HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right guys, my sweet boys. Let's give it to them.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's give it to them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's give it to them the best that they ever experienced. This is gonna be the best episode that these guys have ever...
ED LARSON
Who's these guys?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking, these fucking evil dogs called our listeners. The evil fucking crooked dogs called our listeners. They're gonna eat this up. Yeah, I know I'm off mic right now.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So we know for a fact we're gonna slap this out and those motherfucks are gonna just get so horny for it, they're gonna have sex with their own parents listening to our goddamn episode. I know that for a fact.
ED LARSON
Earlier you were telling me that the listeners cum in their own mouths and eat it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they're wise. And I'm just glad that I said that. None of this is on mic.
ED LARSON
That's crazy because they seem so nice to me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. They're cruel dogs looking for slop and cum. Oh are we starting?
MARCUS PARKS
We're rolling!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! No, our careers!
MARCUS PARKS
Oh my god! Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left. I'm keeping it in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my career!
MARCUS PARKS
I'm Marcus Parks. I'm here with broken career Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Amen. Every single time I break it down, I just rebuild stronger. And that's the key.
MARCUS PARKS
And nice man Ed Larson.
ED LARSON
Yes, I am. I like you people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't think you're-
ED LARSON
And by you people, I mean you fucks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Thank you. But I don't really think you're a bunch of classless dogs. I think that you're nice.
ED LARSON
Educated dogs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Yeah, educated. Dogs who can read.
MARCUS PARKS
With manners.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's nice. And I think that's nice up. Today, it's time to keep the tradition like we always have. Because we're leaving town for three weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we needed an episode to do before we left.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Is that part of the tradition?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then what's nice though... But there's a reason for this one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a reason because we've done creepypasta episodes many times over the years. I think, what number is this? Number fucking 20.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
ED LARSON
That's crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And on this auspicious anniversary, it is very, very nice to have Ed Larson join us for the first time.
ED LARSON
I was reading a bunch of creepypastas and I think something that creepypasta authors have never heard is second draft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love that Eddie has immediately understood.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. You just get it, man, right off the bat. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You kind of completely understand what our struggle is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mein kampf with creepypastas.
MARCUS PARKS
I actually used to try to like write second drafts for them before I started reading.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But it was like no, no, no, it loses a little bit of the charm-
ED LARSON
Yeah, no.
MARCUS PARKS
If you inject like the slightest hint of professionalism into it.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah. There'll be some misplaced words that I'm just probably gonna leave in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well Eddie's also I think... I'm really proud of him. Because you worked on your reading.
ED LARSON
I did. I got my phonics out, my phonics workbooks out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's been reading, he got his eyeballs tightened. But have you ever been frightened by something you've read, Eddie, that's not the news?
ED LARSON
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You've never been, you've never read a horror book?
ED LARSON
Never read a... Buddy, I haven't read a book in I mean... It's rare.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I saw you read a thick menu once.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I'll read a book a year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but like what's the book?
ED LARSON
Last time it was the Don Rickles autobiography.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, yeah, yeah. And that was very short.
ED LARSON
It's usually autobiographies by comedians.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very big type. Wait, so you've never been scared by anything literary?
ED LARSON
No, it's a book. There's nothing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that's funny.
ED LARSON
The only scary book is the bible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. (metal guitar riff) I've honestly, I will say some of the most frightening things I've ever encountered were books.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that things have actually frightened me and it's stuff like Richard Matheson, 'The House of Blue Leaves'. There's a couple of books that really have, if you're really engrossed and you're really in the center of a story, you can get very freaked out.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I think my biggest problem with reading books is like halfway through I'm reading but I'm thinking of something completely different.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is an issue.
ED LARSON
And I gotta reread the page and then I just get mad at myself because I wasn't paying attention and it was a waste of my own time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I feel like there's a lot of your own personal struggles getting in there, your own kampf.
MARCUS PARKS
I can hand you some comic books, some Junji Ito I think would-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They'd freak you out.
MARCUS PARKS
Would freak you the fuck out.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Because that's like a cartoon to me and like a cartoon can't freak me out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It should.
MARCUS PARKS
Just watch. Just read some Junji Ito and then we'll see.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No cartoons ever freaked you out?
ED LARSON
I mean maybe when I was a kid. The Last Unicorn and The Secret of NIMH kind of fucked with me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I always think about is in the Twilight Zone movie, the cartoon-
ED LARSON
But that's claymation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The faceless persons watching. But no, but do you remember like when she does the thing, it cuts over to the older sister, the mental kid, the kid that can control things with his mind in the final story?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it cuts and reveals that she has the no mouth. But she's watching this like weird old timey cartoon.
ED LARSON
It's the second to final story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. But it's a weird cartoon that's like (hums old-timey tune).
ED LARSON
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love those.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They go like oh no! Oh! I love fake cartoons in horror movies.
ED LARSON
Was that fake or is that just an old Tex Avery thing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. It could have been.
ED LARSON
I think it was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But well we'll never know.
ED LARSON
No!
MARCUS PARKS
We'll never know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I won't research it.
MARCUS PARKS
Henry, you wanna get the audience all prepared?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Guys, it's creepypasta. Now I don't drink as much as I used to, that's for certain. All right? I like the cold, hard reality. Look into the mirror. Wanna be frightened? Take a look at the mirror, take a look at your watch, look back at the mirror, look at your watch. Oh my god, has two years passed? Happened so fast. Isn't that frightening? To look at the news? Oh my god, this fear.
ED LARSON
Phish, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a fucking-
ED LARSON
Live at the Sphere, bro.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Concert all around me, bro. The fucking Sphere is out there, dude. How can we sleep? The Sphere is alive. All right? For today's episode, let's leave all these esoteric things out that frighten us away, things like the Sphere and other large venues.
ED LARSON
I mean just the price of admission alone.
MARCUS PARKS
It's scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tell me about it. And then the merch and then the drinks. But there's other scary things besides that, like poverty, rampant obesity, very frightening things that you really have to think about. Rampant obesity!
ED LARSON
I'm so big.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So before you get too scared, what you like to do is, I don't drink as much but what I have been getting really into is sweet fucking, it's called cold water hash.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And like delicious, dude, this Lebanese hash.
MARCUS PARKS
You been getting into weed lately? Lately?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is different, dude. It comes in balls and powders, dude. And what you do is you put that ball and powder, what I make is a little parfait. So each night when I sit, and it's how I get myself good and proper to be with my family, a little base of weed, throw some indica in there, hybrid cold water hash layer, scrape the kief from the bottom of my indica grinder. I have an indica and a sativa grinder separate.
ED LARSON
That's excess.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I add the indica keef on top of the hybrid hash, right. Let that settle. Push it down with my little spoon. Then I put another pile of loose leaf indica nature, hybrid if you got it, another scoop hybrid hash, right. You put that on there.
MARCUS PARKS
This is the most boring thing I've ever heard in my life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, dude. No. There are guys out there-
ED LARSON
I love weed and this is boring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There are guys out there, dude, that are doing this. It's called a crooked parfait. All right? You fucking, I got my fucking, I got a piece of string I like.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I know that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I use the string now, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Nothing better than string. That's why people tune in, to hear people talk about string.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I use the fucking hemp wire-
ED LARSON
You're smoking tampons.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To fucking light it, dude. Because if not, you're getting the beau and your dick. It's why we're cumming plastic, gotta use the fucking hemp!
ED LARSON
I don't think it's from the butane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude. It is, man. You gotta fucking use hemp, man.
ED LARSON
Honestly that's great though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dress in hemp. Look at Marcus. He's half hemp.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
The more plastic in my cum, the less condoms I have to buy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
MARCUS PARKS
It's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like already in there!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's already inside. All right? So why don't you take that and you spark that and just let that sweet, sweet herbaceous 'Alice in Wonderland' fucking scenario take over your horseshit, dude. Forget about your job, fuck your kids! Not-
ED LARSON
Don't.
MARCUS PARKS
Don't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I never said have sex with your kids.
MARCUS PARKS
To hell with your kids.
ED LARSON
To hell with your kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To hell with your kids' needs.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right?
ED LARSON
Beat them!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go in there and punch your son in the face. No, listen. I want you to smoke a bowl and show your son how it doesn't make you fucking weak. And then after you've beaten him, you can then explain it's only because I was so scared of this recent episode of Creepypasta XX on Last Podcast on the Left.
ED LARSON
What an intro. Almost as good as the stories we're gonna read.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Almost.
MARCUS PARKS
Almost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's what I love, Eddie, is that you've never even done one of these before and you already understand.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I like creepypasta but it ain't necessarily getting better. But we're gonna do our best, aren't we, Marcus? We're gonna make it super scary today.
ED LARSON
Do you think that people stopped writing creepypastas like seven years ago-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, dude.
ED LARSON
And these are just the ones that are left?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
R/nosleep is still huge.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean they're getting made into fucking movies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And TV shows these days.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What was the one, it was like Daniel? There was like a guy had the Daniel character, it was from Twitter. It was a guy that told a ghost story on Twitter and then he made a whole fucking movie about it and it sucked.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
ED LARSON
I have no comment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
Well Ed, this first story is dedicated to you.
ED LARSON
Thank you, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Currently you're wearing your Florida's Biggest Baby T-shirt.
ED LARSON
That's right, that's right. That's me, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
14 pounds, 13.5 ounces.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yum yum.
MARCUS PARKS
Is that available by any chance?
ED LARSON
Eddietunes.com!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
You can get your Biggest Baby T-shirts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You are turning into Jackie 'The Joke Man' Martling with selling your own merch.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need a 1-800 number.
ED LARSON
Oh what a good idea!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what we need. We need a 1-800 number.
ED LARSON
Where could just like listen to me snore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to Julie ask you to clean the bathroom.
MARCUS PARKS
This story's called 'Being the Big One'.
ED LARSON
Ooh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh! Very good, perfect.
MARCUS PARKS
It's submitted by Nico. I like to source all my creepypastas like pre 2020. I like to go back to like find websites from 2017, 2015.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Golden age of the weirdos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because the key of old school creepypasta is that you could almost believe that it was real, like the old days of the internet. That's why it was super creepy. We all thought Blair Witch was real.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I mean I knew it wasn't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But at the same time I wanted it to be real.
ED LARSON
Yes. When I went and saw that movie in the theater, right when the witch came, lightning hit the theater and all the power went out and we had to leave.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fucking awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow, wow.
ED LARSON
Yeah and I got a rain check but it was scary.
MARCUS PARKS
It sounds scary. 'Being the Big One'. (Southern accent) "So you got a little brother, huh? Ooh boy, don't I ever know how that can be. Let me guess. Is he always getting in your stuff? Yeah, don't I know it. Wriggling-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why is this an old man? It's an old Southern man.
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "Wriggling his way in all your piles, messing up the order. Next thing you know, you got all your juices running out of their holders and you can't have that. And he's... Let me just take another guess here. Tell me if I'm wrong."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "He's always asking if he can borrow your tubes. The good ones you really worked on, your good tubes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about, buddy?
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "He's got his own tubes but of course he needs yours to do his slurping. He can't possibly be bothered to slurp with his own perfectly good tube. Mercy."
ED LARSON
Been there before.
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "There's beasts in the vent, he says. How about this one? There's beasts in the vent, he says. And you go in the vent and you check out all these beasts. There's no beasts. It was just another sneak looking for old chunks."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like I'm stuck on the VIP meet and greet line for Molly Hatchet.
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "And then he wants you to choke the sneak. You don't gotta choke the sneak, that ain't necessary. Just wrap him up in a rag and roll him down the hill. He knows not to come back, don't gotta be cruel. And of course you gotta use your own rag from your own pile. Gotta wring the juices out of it. Gotta go to all the trouble of putting on your old dry arms."
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "So you don't get the nice ones all covered in juices."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this Longlegs?
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "He could have used his own rag but he wants you to do it, talking about my little brother. That's what it's all about though, I suppose. Being the big one. Gotta be there for him, gotta help him clean his-"
ED LARSON
I'm turning autistic.
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "Gotta help him clean his pegs, change his brain at night, make sure he's been keeping his muscles wet."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hell yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
(Southern accent) "Somebody's gotta teach him so he knows how to do it when he expands. Ah, listen to me go on and on. What's this old fool talking about? I can't speak for you. Your shape's all different anyway, probably goes different on your hill."
ED LARSON
Tubes and rags.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tubes and rags and pegs and brains. I love this story about an older brother. I'll miss those. You see, that was a fun creepypasta because I like it when they don't try to get too into-
ED LARSON
Tell a story?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Too deep into Mark Twain category where they're like... Because they always will do, a lot of creepypastas will try to have some ironic twist.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, that's the big thing is the ironic twist at the end.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that's my favorite style of creepypasta.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, my absolute favorite is just like weird-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unsettling monologue.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Chaos, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, exactly. And that's why we started with 'Being the Big One'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Being the Big One'.
ED LARSON
Being the Big One'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now this one-
ED LARSON
I'll fucking borrow your tubes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Hey man, those are my brother's tubes. Don't mess it up. That's my brother's tubes. Here we go. Now this was contributed by ADePolo. (burps) Cleared it out. That was actually in the script, it was in the script. 'That Won't Be Necessary' is the name of the story.
ED LARSON
Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A few weeks ago, my wife and I took a vacation to Florida. We decided to drive due to the price of airplane tickets around the holiday season. On our way south, we passed through Tennessee as well as a large portion of Georgia. Unfortunately there was a large accident that occurred on the turnpike, so we decided to take a short detour and then get back onto the turnpike after we passed all the traffic." Let me describe the amount of cars I drove past! It's important!
ED LARSON
Please do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was a blue car and a Mazda and a Toyota.
ED LARSON
Then what?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And a Nissan and a Dodge.
ED LARSON
And after that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then a VW bug and then a Pontiac and then there was a Tesla. "See my wife and I grew fond of the roads that we drove on." Love seeing cars and naming them. "There was so much to see and the landscape was so much different than what we were used to seeing in an old Kentucky. So we decided to drive on them for a while longer until we found somewhere in which we could stay the night. That was already 10 pm and driving at night in an unfamiliar place did not appeal to me. As we continued down the long main road, we found a small motel and we decided we would stay there for the night."
ED LARSON
Is there a big motel?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Specifically half height.
MARCUS PARKS
Motel 8s are larger than motel 6s.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes. Two larger. "Now we got to our room, unpacked what we needed for the night, and began to watch some TV and slowly fall asleep." It was Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. And he was driving a Camaro and the chef was driving a Hyundai. "Around 3 am we both awoke to an eerie distant siren. After half an hour of listening to it, I decided I'd go find out what it was." I love sirens. As I said.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone knows that about me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody knows that about me. I love a siren because it just means a car is singing.
ED LARSON
If a fire truck goes by, Henry runs out of the studio and starts barking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is this character. This is this character, not Henry. No. But I do do the gimme the toot.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. You put your arm up and down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I always do the toot toot to them. And guess what, man? They give it to you. Whether you're a fucking big titted girl or not.
ED LARSON
They like it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They like it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it breaks up the monotony.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In front of the motel, this very small motel, half height, "a few men stood smoking cigarettes. So I decided to ask them. One of the men explained there was a prison a few miles west of where we were staying, there must have been an attempted breakout. He also explained that the prison is maximum security and that the escapee was most likely shot or caught. And with the assurance that we were not in danger, I explained to my wife the situation, and we both got some well needed shut eye."
MARCUS PARKS
Sounds like you're in danger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Things are cool. Because I knew if I see two different cameras, things gonna be all right. All right? "Now we started early around 7 am, we wanted to get to our hotel," the big hotel, "in time to have a nice dinner and hang out for a while."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sex. "We drove south on the side streets for a while and we noticed a sign that said turnpike entrance five miles. We were both relieved. We were finally at ease, in assurance we knew that we were close to the highway. I turned on some soft rock and my wife put in her ear buds and began listening to a different radio station." Because we are incompatible. We do not love each other anymore. But I was sitting there rocking to the (singing) and we're back in the high life! I love Steve Winwood. And cars."And as we continued I could see a strange man standing on the side of the road just a few 100 ft away."
ED LARSON
You should pick him up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh we better. With my hands. "It seemed as if he were a hitchhiker and being the kind Samaritan that I am, I offered him a ride."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"That would be great, he replied to me and we began heading south."
MARCUS PARKS
This is despite the very clear warning that he had just received earlier.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no, no, no, we were safe. Entirely safe.
ED LARSON
What was he wearing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was wearing this striped suit. I thought it was amazing. I thought it was like oh you're some kind of professional candy man or something. And I asked him, "Where do you need me to take you? I asked him respectfully. Anywhere but here, he muttered in a low voice." I don't know what he was talking about. "I agreed to take him where he needed to go when we were off." He said any place not the prison. "So do you need me to call anyone for you or something? There won't be any trouble, I asked him. He said that won't be necessary, he replied. I agreed. The man was very muscular." Super muscular.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he had these crazy wacky looking Xs tattooed all over him, crazy Xs.
MARCUS PARKS
Like Mr. Zsasz.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Is it like Mr. Zsasz?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These crazy Xs, I think I saw somewhere in my favorite movie, Saving Private Ryan. All those Xs.
ED LARSON
All those Xs are from Texas.
MARCUS PARKS
That's why he's asking for a ride to Tennessee.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He wore an old white T-shirt and a ripped up pair of jeans that were covered in mud. It seemed like mud, it was some kind of white mud. "His hair was very messy and he had a patchy beard. But what was most strange about him was the fact that he wore no shoes. Now I noticed I needed to get gas before I got onto the turnpike." I mean it was a full five miles. "So I offered to drop the man off at the nearest gas station but he denied my request and pleaded for me to take him into Florida. I agreed and began filling my tank with gas." No questions asked. "The man began to walk into the restroom located on the side of the gas station. My wife was extraordinarily quiet, so I started to talk to her. But instead she began to type something on her phone. I watched in wonder as she typed a text, it was a few sentences long. And when she finished, she slowly turned the phone so that I could see it. Her text read: We need to leave. I heard on the radio that a man escaped and he fits the man's personality and description perfectly."
MARCUS PARKS
She wrote this in the text. Wasn't he in the bathroom?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. The bad guy was in the bathroom, I was filling up the gas. Because even serial killers gotta shit. "So I put $30 in the fuel pump, not even taking my time to go inside and pay. I got situated and I turned the car on and I began to put the car in drive."
ED LARSON
That took a while.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And I began to dial 9-1-1."
ED LARSON
What's after that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A strange wave of heat touched my left ear and I heard a whisper, that won't be necessary. That's it. That's the story.
MARCUS PARKS
Did he also like soft rock? The hitchhiker?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Extremely angry with my choice of music which is why he put a gun in my mouth. And then he made my wife suck my penis at gunpoint and then he shot her in the head and they made me his penis at gunpoint and then we got married. Because I didn't have a wife anymore.
ED LARSON
See I thought it would have been a different fella and the cops would have come and just killed him by accident.
MARCUS PARKS
Could be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But there's a lot of different ways that this story could have ended well.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Or ended.
MARCUS PARKS
Or as soon as he got out of the car is when the wife could have said go, go, go, go, go! I'll tell you later.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he did. He got situated. And he slowly got his keys out, little jangle-dangle. And he slowly turned and he slowly pulled out his phone.
MARCUS PARKS
What was the last car you think he saw?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Goddamnit if it wasn't a Miata. Guess it's time to die.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, Ed. What is your first story?
ED LARSON
My first story is called 'Trust Your Doctors' by MrMonkRat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the thing is also remember, do trust your doctors but get a second opinion.
ED LARSON
Oh for sure, for sure. Well "Dr. Victor Harlan was a renowned surgeon in the quiet town of Redbrook. His reputation for unparalleled skill was matched only by his mysterious demeanor. Dr. Harlan was a man of few words but his medical successes spoke for him."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like your big mentally handicapped son.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like you're reading to me. I'm just sitting here going like yeah, more story or I'll kill you. One more story, I'll choke you, daddy.
ED LARSON
One day you'll go to sleep. "And the townsfolk, they admired him. Redbrook had always been a peaceful place but recently patients admitted for minor surgeries often left with more than they bargained for. An unusual number of amputations were being performed, always justified by Dr. Harlan with a grim diagnosis or an unexpected complication."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he/she has unneeded feet disorder.
ED LARSON
Yeah. "No one dared to question the doctor's decisions. After all, he was the expert. Linda, a young nurse new to the hospital, was the first to suspect that something was amiss. She noticed discrepancies in the patient's charts and the frequency of the amputations."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Every Linda is a pain in the ass.
MARCUS PARKS
Gotta check the details. Detail-oriented women.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because his shit was fine up to this point.
ED LARSON
What's your mother's name?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god. I went and I looked. But no, but my mom would have covered for him. It would have been like he's a doctor! You know better.
MARCUS PARKS
And so handsome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So handsome. He's single.
ED LARSON
Yeah. But she noticed discrepancies in the patient's charts and the frequency of the amputations. "First it was a finger, then a foot, then a hand, then a leg. Each surgery a week or so apart. She finally decided to investigate it more when she found a hastily scribbled list on Dr. Harlan's desk for various body parts, circled and checked off. She thought-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is so fucking stupid. Just the idea he left it out, being like hands, check. Legs, check. Left, check. Right? Looking for a right.
ED LARSON
Well "she thought is he selling body parts or doing some weird experiments?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're wrong, Linda. Linda, That's where I hate you.
ED LARSON
Well "unable to shake her growing speculation that Dr. Harlan was involved in the uptick in amputations, Linda decided to-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He definitely was involved. He's the one doing the fucking surgeries.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he has to be involved because they're not just happening spontaneously.
ED LARSON
I didn't write the story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I'm just saying. It didn't happen. Of course. He's the surgeon, where else would they go? That's where the amputations are happening. Continue.
ED LARSON
"So she decided to look into the matter further. One night, she snuck into the hospital after hours, her heart pounding with every step. The hospital's eerie silence was broken only by the distant hum of machinery."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(humming)
MARCUS PARKS
(humming)
ED LARSON
Thank you. "She made her way to Dr. Harlan's office where she found a key to his storage room in his desk."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(creaking)
ED LARSON
That's not a key.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(clicking)
ED LARSON
There you go. "Inside the storage room, it's dimly lit. Its air thick with the stench of antiseptic. Shelves lined the walls filled with surgical tools and jars and preservatives."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink.
ED LARSON
"On the back wall of the room was a large industrial freezer. Her hands trembling, Linda opened it, revealing a grisly sight. Severed limbs carefully wrapped in plastic labeled with the names of the former owners."
MARCUS PARKS
Wrapped in plastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why is he labeling them? Why does it matter who they belong to?
ED LARSON
"Was it their names? She looked at the labels closer. Flank, round, sirloin."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my gosh!
ED LARSON
"She gasped in horror. They were labeled with butcher cuts."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a cookbook! Father, it's a cookbook!
ED LARSON
"Linda stumbled back, vomit rising in the back of her throat. The room seemed to spin as the horror of her discovery sank in. She turned to flee but her path was blocked by Dr. Harlan, his silhouette framed by the doorway."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hungry?
ED LARSON
"Going somewhere, Nurse Linda? He asked, his voice as cold as the freezer behind her. Linda tried to scream but her fear paralyzed her. Dr. Harlan stepped closer, the faintest hint of a smile curling as he licked his lips. Curiosity can be dangerous, he said. Desperate, Linda lunged for the door but Dr. Harlan was too quick. He grabbed her in a chokehold and muffled her screams with a chloroform rag. You should have minded your own business!"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She should have. This is Linda's fault. I blame Linda.
ED LARSON
Oh wait, I'm sorry. "You should have minded your own business, he whispered."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. You tell me to mind my business when you're telling everybody else's business.
ED LARSON
"She passed out. When Linda awoke, she was strapped to an operating table, unable to move. The sterile smell of the room overwhelmed her senses. Dr. Harlan stood over her, his eyes alight with a chilling, sadistic glee. In a low comforting tone, Dr. Harlan spoke. Don't worry, Linda, you'll be okay. I want to thank you for completing my list."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? What was it?
ED LARSON
"I can't feel my legs, she said in a panic. Don't worry, Linda. I can feel your legs."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's so fucking stupid.
ED LARSON
"Dr. Harlan lifted her dismembered leg up for her to see."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wing wing. He's like oh hello, hello! I got a call on my foot cellphone. I'm a doctor, not a comedian.
ED LARSON
"He stroked her leg with the back of his hand. It looks like bone-in ham steaks are on the menu tonight!" End of story one. Thank you very much.
MARCUS PARKS
Turn tape over.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, they really just don't get better. I love it. There's been so many, I will say there is many in this realm of 'it's a cookbook'. 'It's a cookbook' has been stolen from The Twilight Zone, funnily enough, for forever.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, most creepypastas are-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Twilight Zone episodes.
MARCUS PARKS
Whether they know it or not, it is all Twilight Zone episodes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I know people are like why, if you're constantly criticizing these creepypastas, why are you doing an entire episode, nay, 20 episodes dedicated to creepypastas? It's because we're fucking... We are locked in.
MARCUS PARKS
We love them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And these creepypastas are a part of our life now.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I view it like taxes. These creepypastas must be processed and they must move through society. It must continue to go.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean you do have some, like Ed's, that are very much like 'it's a cookbook'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a cookbook.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's a cookbook. But I like the strange ones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do.
MARCUS PARKS
The ones that are really badly written.
ED LARSON
I like the strange ones too.
MARCUS PARKS
Like 'Birth Child' submitted by Hisham H.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hisham?
MARCUS PARKS
"There is a clip on the web somewhere, I saw it only once. I don't know if it's real or fake. These days you never know what twisted stuff people will record. Shock videos, they call them." That's what they call them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I've heard there's shock videos on the internet.
MARCUS PARKS
"Anyway, I don't remember its name. I've tried searching various terms and now my search history looks like that of a sex offender."
ED LARSON
Is this you or the story?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He hasn't been telling the story yet.
MARCUS PARKS
"I don't remember downloading it or which video streaming site I saw it on. I don't even remember the circumstances surrounding its viewing, whether somebody linked me to a shock video-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then why say it?
MARCUS PARKS
"Or something I misclicked or whatever." Ooh, that word looks like mislicked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does.
MARCUS PARKS
But it's misclicked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, mislicked is when you accidentally lick your grandfather. Nothing worse.
ED LARSON
I thought that was the blowjob princess.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's different. It depends on how far your grandfather cums inside of your mouth.
ED LARSON
My name's Miss Licked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She died in WWII. Don't bring up Miss Licked again, all right? Gerry's turning her into a lamp.
MARCUS PARKS
"I'm no longer sure it ever existed, this video, but the memory is so very vivid. It's a clip of childbirth. There is no sound. The picture quality is bad. The mother in labor is in the stirrups and the camera is pointing right at her."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right down the pipe.
MARCUS PARKS
Right at her, you know-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The hole.
MARCUS PARKS
Where the camera, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The hole!
MARCUS PARKS
It's pointing down there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The holes both!
ED LARSON
Being filled.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Forceps.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well one is already filled and the other soon to be.
MARCUS PARKS
Focus on the forceps, "the things that look like spatulas."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Clink-clink-clink-clink-clink. That's why I made that noise.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, the salad spoons.
MARCUS PARKS
"He inserts the very slowly, into both sides."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
MARCUS PARKS
"He slowly, gingerly eases the baby out just a little at a time."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please, I'm just so full of baby. You pull that out, I'm so cram packed full of baby.
ED LARSON
You gonna get this baby out of me?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come on, why don't you pull that shit out?
ED LARSON
I wanna cum for child.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come on.
ED LARSON
Touch my clit.
MARCUS PARKS
"Out comes an angry red squalling head. Then a shoulder. The baby seems to be smeared with what looks like petroleum jelly." Well aware of what petroleum jelly appears to be like, specifically a man who's covered in it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's Vaseline.
ED LARSON
I hate petroleum jelly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I've been covered in petroleum jelly.
ED LARSON
Because it's not real jelly.
MARCUS PARKS
"He works at one arm, then the other."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, how you doing? Hey, what's going on?
MARCUS PARKS
Hey, nice to be here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice to be here, buddy.
MARCUS PARKS
Thanks for having me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thanks, doctor. Go fuck yourself.
ED LARSON
It was so hot in there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thanks for getting it out of me. Thanks for pulling it out.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not yet out, not yet lout. "Then the torso is worked out. I thought it would be easier after that but no."
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
"He frees the legs as well, carefully and slowly, one at a time. Then everything's out."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everything.
MARCUS PARKS
"It's smeared all over with that viscous jelly. It's a boy! The baby is lifted out of view with the cord still attached. The cord is slowly, carefully pulled out."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is the video he's describing.
MARCUS PARKS
This is the video he's describing. "The doctor actually sticks his fingers into the birth canal."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Coochie-coo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There it is, it's right here.
MARCUS PARKS
"To ease it out."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's right here. This is where the birth canal is, this hole in the bottom. Not the brown, the pink!
MARCUS PARKS
"Then he sticks his whole hand in-"
ED LARSON
Fister sister.
MARCUS PARKS
"To take out the placenta. He inserts his arm fairly deep but very gently."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't worry, let me just... Yeah, there's just a little bit more in there. Let me get a little bit more in there.
ED LARSON
There's nothing gentle about putting your whole hand in a woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm doing it slow!
MARCUS PARKS
"He removes the placenta carefully-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
"As to avoid tearing it. He carefully turns over the placenta to show us the side that was attached to the uterine wall."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is how you sex a placenta.
ED LARSON
So far this is just birth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Which is the most horrifying thing of all.
MARCUS PARKS
"There is a whitish curd. The video's resolution is bad so I'm not sure but it looks like there are two round glossy black dots, like beady eyes, and a vague outline of something with legs and feelers and curled up like a shrimp. But I'm not sure."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
"Could be just patterns in the placenta and my mind imagining things. Surprisingly-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The shrimp's in the placenta?
MARCUS PARKS
"There is surprisingly little blood, very little for childbirth. Now the next part I did not imagine. I know this for definite. It's the part that sticks out in my mind, the reason why this clip has stuck with me all this time."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sir, we're just trying to change the oil in your Subaru. If you could just kind of wrap up this little tail of yours, we're all enjoying it.
MARCUS PARKS
"Now as he lifts away the placenta, someone jostles the camera. And the last thing we see before the clip ends is some guy in the room wearing medical scrubs, bent over and vomiting into a bin. No biggie, probably some medical students seeing childbirth for the first time."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No biggie?
MARCUS PARKS
"Except he's puking in reverse."
ED LARSON
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
"The vomit shooting back into his mouth!"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
ED LARSON
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
ED LARSON
No! Boo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, put it back!
MARCUS PARKS
The baby is put back into the woman. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
So very carefully. He puts the placenta in, yeah.
ED LARSON
So he's watching it in reverse.
MARCUS PARKS
He's watching it in reverse, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But actually it's kind of interesting in a way that it sounds like he's helping that woman. And if he gently was putting the baby back up inside of her, then it actually makes sense that his arm was in so deep.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Maybe-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually the doctor in many ways was doing a good job.
MARCUS PARKS
Making room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was getting it done and taking care of the baby and taking care of the woman. I actually think weirdly that's not a horror story at all. But the story of a successful obstetrict. Is that the term?
MARCUS PARKS
Obstetrician? Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I think.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Gyno?
ED LARSON
So why was the baby red? I guess it wasn't done cooking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It wasn't done cooking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's why it had to go back in her.
MARCUS PARKS
Or maybe... I mean there are plot holes. There are many plot holes in this story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would refer to the movie Junior. If I wanna know about birth, that's the movie where I learned the most about birth. That and Look Who's Talking.
ED LARSON
Look Who's Talking, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Showed the cum.
ED LARSON
Showed the sperms going through the canal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the first time I ever saw that, I'll always remember that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, me too.
ED LARSON
Me too. In the theater I was like mom, what's that? And she told me right in front of everybody.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She had to. Oh yeah. No, my parents just left out a book.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A little book that said how babies are made. And they knew how curious I was.
MARCUS PARKS
My parents left it to my 14 and 15 year old brothers to explain it to me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh fuck yeah, dude.
ED LARSON
Oh fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) So the first thing you gotta do, Marcus, is you gotta mash her tits and then you gotta fuck that ass.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Most babies come from the ass and you gotta fucking... That's the only way to do it. You think it's shit, it's a baby. And you're just like-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that sounds right to me. Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Now I hope your brother described the miracle of life to you.
MARCUS PARKS
I got it, mom! I got it. You don't gotta worry about me no more.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here's another one. Here's another one about the precious beginnings of life.
ED LARSON
Oh nice.
MARCUS PARKS
That's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's called 'The Baby Doll' by Unknown.
ED LARSON
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Much like Sufi.
ED LARSON
Who's Sufi?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the writer actually so they do know.
ED LARSON
Oh okay. So it's not unknown.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well you know what I mean. Anything that's unknown I would compare it to.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Baby Doll. "In rural southern Illinois, a toy company began selling realistic baby dolls to expectant mothers." Surprisingly cheap.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bought a bunch for Gud Pud and they are like... Honestly it's really nice because they're only like $30-$35 bucks a pop, which I think is probably good because it's like can you imagine just like upselling the lady who just had a miscarriage?
MARCUS PARKS
You could spend a lot of money on those things though.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You could just be like hey, I know I just lost your baby but don't you want a platinum tier reborn baby? This one goes goo-goo ga-ga and say I miss you in heaven.
ED LARSON
I bet there are some expensive ones.
MARCUS PARKS
No. We actually had I think an entire Roundtable episode where we got really deep into reborn babies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like the prices come-
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, that's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that inflation has finally ended in the reborn baby world.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the market leveled off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think the market leveled off because I think mostly people were really mad again. It's like when they sell you a titanium casket.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Oh yeah, that's rude.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. Yeah. They can go up to $3000.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What in the living fuck does a $3000 reborn baby do?
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If it talks... It better fucking do my calendar.
ED LARSON
Babies don't talk.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow, look at that thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! That is realistic as hell.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Full silicone reborn, high quality, extra soft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. We should put that on the credit card.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh we could do morality pranks with it! That's what I've always wanted to do. You leave a baby at the train station, you film them far away, and you see how people react. You leave a train like on the edge of a bridge and you see how people react. You leave it on top of a car while you're driving out of a parking lot and you see how people react.
ED LARSON
Is that legal?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, scaring people isn't illegal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is still America.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh god, look at this one. A high end child sized reborn doll for $1900.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have completely derailed.
ED LARSON
That looks like a real baby.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That baby is literally dressed like a man from Charlotte in finance. There is no reason a baby needs to have a thermal vest and Nikes. It's just like this baby-
ED LARSON
That is real looking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But no baby is that well dressed.
ED LARSON
Some babies are well dressed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not this baby. No babies are that well dressed.
MARCUS PARKS
This baby looks insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What baby have you met that's dressed for a fucking corporate Zoom? Which baby have you met? Let me see this picture.
ED LARSON
I try not to meet babies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You love children.
ED LARSON
With mustard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"In rural southern Illinois, a toy company began selling quote unquote 'realistic baby dolls' to expectant mothers. But apparently after the mother had her child, the toy baby would start crying. Eventually the rocking motion advertised to calm it down wouldn't work and you couldn't get it to stop without shaking it. Eventually when it started crying, the parent would have to beat it and the beatings and thrashings would have to get harder and harder to get it to be quiet. And the only thing that seemed to shut the baby doll up permanently was to bash its head against the wall to destroy whatever mechanism was triggering the crying."
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"On more than one occasion though neighbors called the authorities to report child abuse. When the police arrived, they found the bloody remains of infants smeared across the walls and on the floor. And in most cases, the mother couldn't understand why the police were there. She just got rid of the stupid doll as she rocked a baby-shaped bundle in her arms."
ED LARSON
Oh so she killed a bunch of babies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I got really distracted by checking out more reborn dolls on Etsy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, this is actually way scarier.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are way scarier. The reborns dolls are-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, these are way, way scarier.
ED LARSON
That one's eyes are too big.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It has JD Vance eyes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It is $4000 though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
$4000!
ED LARSON
$4000. You think it'd have better eyes.
MARCUS PARKS
$4000 and 239 five star reviews.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What does it do? The saddest person in the world giving each one of these reborn babies... Like trying them out? Are they trying them out to see if I feel like oh, I don't feel like killing my husband anymore.
ED LARSON
239 reviews?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
239!
ED LARSON
That means 239 people not only bought it but loved it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Loved it so much.
MARCUS PARKS
That's at least 239.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now my question also was-
MARCUS PARKS
I love things that I buy on Etsy all the time and I don't leave reviews.
ED LARSON
Never leave reviews.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you have a $4000 replacement fetus, right, that you're carrying around all day. Eventually when it doesn't grow, like do you sell this back? Is there a resell market for this like Flight Club for shoes? Do they depreciate?
ED LARSON
But the the thing is they don't grow. So you're just stuck with an infant forever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna get so many emails. Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. I know that they are used to help mourning women. And I'm not saying women who like to get up early.
ED LARSON
I like night... Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Damn it. I beat ya. I beat ya, you fuck! But I know that it's to make them feel better. But it does seem in many ways like it's extremely haunting.
ED LARSON
I feel like it's something to guarantee that you're gonna go crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I remember I've told the story many times. When I used to temp, one time I remember I was at this empty cubicle and they were all like oh it's so good to have somebody new here. And I was like I'm working, whatever, just here temporarily. And they're like the lady who used to be in this cubicle was a little strange. And I was just like well what do you mean? She's like well one time we came and we noticed this lady had all of these like wonderful pictures of her daughter dressed in all these little outfits all over the inside of her cubicle, like this little baby daughter looking like it was asleep.
ED LARSON
Well that's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they said like eventually someone asked her, being like oh your daughter, how old is she now? And she says well she died in stillbirth, she died at birth. These pictures were all the pictures we took with her corpse immediately after so I can have these special memories of her. So they took the dead baby, which I know is a whole thing, and they dressed it up in a dress and they did makeup on it and they took a picture of it. And it's just rough at the office.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like I just feel like it's a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a rough cubicle to walk by.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
was she fired?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, you can't. Oh no.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you can't fire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unfortunately that's a promotion. That's like you just got promoted out of this office, lady.
MARCUS PARKS
And there's a lot of what's called pre-loved reborn babies on eBay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The word 'pre-loved'. That's what they're called?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, pre-loved.
ED LARSON
Used.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, used.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh. They can't say used.
MARCUS PARKS
A couple of people say used but mostly-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can't they say adopt? I would say at this point if you're buying a $4000 reborn baby, that's an adoption.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh no, these aren't the $4000, these are going for like $150.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They all got crayon on them and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No because there's no kids.
ED LARSON
No but I mean you get the crayons, you try to put it in its hand and stuff, you try to teach it how to draw and they're like oh nothing's happening because it's a doll.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know it's morbid.
ED LARSON
You know the old expression, you shake a baby more than once, you're just playing with it.
MARCUS PARKS
And by the way it's a lot of OBOs on eBay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I prefer my babies stirred.
MARCUS PARKS
Ed?
ED LARSON
Well if you're lucky enough to have a baby that grows up to be a child, this story would be for them.
MARCUS PARKS
Great.
ED LARSON
Don't Try Talking to the Disney World Mascots at Closing Time' by JRT McMahon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Full name.
ED LARSON
Well JRT isn't a name really.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jert.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, you're right. Jert McMahon. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean I think I was picked up by a Jert on my way to the movie theater the other day in my Uber.
MARCUS PARKS
My father was a Jert, my grandfather was a Jert.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) My grandfather was a Jert.
ED LARSON
I'm a jert farmer.
MARCUS PARKS
Bad crop this year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Bad crop of jert. Too wet. Too wet for sale.
ED LARSON
All right. "I've always wondered who was behind the costumes. I was unfortunate enough to find out when I took my son on his first trip to Disney World. Being a single father isn't easy. I work as hard as I can to provide for my child but I need to make enough free time to be there for him. It's a rough balance that I and many others struggle to maintain. It's so rare that I get a chance to spend the entire day with my boy or that I get a break from the stress. So when the opportunity arises, I try my best to make it a reality."
MARCUS PARKS
I believe you're a father right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I really do. And I do feel like but this author was really mad about being forced to pay to go to Disney World at some point.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And I think he imagines his wife is dead but she's just gone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's easier that way.
ED LARSON
"So when my son David happened to come across a contest that boasted the chance to win a family package to Disney World, I set my sights on making it happen. His glee while he filled in the necessary information was almost enough to make my heart melt on its own. I wasn't naïve, things like that don't happen to us. After losing her, I learned that you can't count on things to work out for you. After David submitted his form-" Why is it funny?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh sad. It's just sad. There's something about it.
ED LARSON
But there is something funny about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just wildly sad. And then just idea that you gotta try to win the contest to Disney-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's all excited about it. And if you don't win, then you're not going.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is like even worse than not going in a way because it's like you got the shot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because then you could also be like things like that just don't happen for us, son.
MARCUS PARKS
You remember your mother's leukemia? Get ready, it's gonna be a lot like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
More of that. Expect a second helping of that.
ED LARSON
"After David submitted his form, I started to scour my work schedule for an opening I could take and still be there to provide. Earlier mornings got earlier and my workload increased tenfold but it would all be worth it. That's what I thought anyway. The contest ran for a month and a half to give people time to send in their entries and me time to save up for two tickets. I stayed up on a night I had free and printed a mockup letter saying that David had won the contest, stuffed it inside a white envelope and placed it ever so gently inside our rusty mailbox."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy fucking bitches too much. This guy is fucking sad as hell.
ED LARSON
Yeah. "Then all I had to do was wait for him to come home. When I tell you this boy's whole world lit up like 4th of July when he opened that letter. Man, I hope I never forget his smile. Thought he was gonna damn near rip his cheek open grinning that heart."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Weird.
MARCUS PARKS
(ripping noise)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(screaming)
ED LARSON
Too happy!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(screaming)
ED LARSON
"We set a date, one where I could get three days off of work that I needed. Even though the trip was still a few weeks away, David was all packed and ready to go the night he received the letter."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do this whole charade with the fucking contest? Why do all this?
ED LARSON
Yeah, you could just take your son.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You could have just fucking taken him to Disney.
ED LARSON
And have him be appreciative that you paid for the ticket.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That you did it.
ED LARSON
This is why I hate Santa Claus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, same.
ED LARSON
I bought the gifts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. I think Santa Claus should bring other shit.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like drugs.
ED LARSON
Like fucking money, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
"He told me about how jealous his friends were, not even questioned why the family pack only consisted of two tickets." Fucking idiot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What the fuck?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I mean.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, what an idiot.
MARCUS PARKS
A lot of red flags here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a moron.
ED LARSON
"I can't speak for all parents but Disney World was miserable. It was far too hot and within a few minutes of walking around in the unrelenting sun, I could feel my sweat clinging to my clothing."
MARCUS PARKS
It's Florida.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He hates all of this.
ED LARSON
He hates it, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's such a fucking, he's suck a... The word is scutch.
ED LARSON
Yeah. But the thing is, "David wanted to see every bit of the park that he could."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's Disney World.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You spent hundreds of dollars to go see it. You better see all of it.
ED LARSON
"He would run up to every mascot. I could tell he was getting flustered with the ones that couldn't talk back. I could tell it was gonna be a problem. I love my boy but he isn't great at letting things go. And I guess most children are like that. But the park was so loud, my feet started to hurt as we stood for unreal amounts of time in line for one ride at a time."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What's the point? Why did we even go?
ED LARSON
"I wasn't there for me though, I was there to spend time with David and watch him immerse himself in all of his favorite movies."
MARCUS PARKS
Are we just listen to a transcript for someone's therapy session?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is what this feels like.
ED LARSON
"Still though, despite me trying to explain the mascot's silence, he continued to protest. I would have to walk up and pull him away from the silent animals."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're people in costumes.
ED LARSON
"One time David reached forward and grabbed onto Goofy's hand. The expression on David's face dropped and he walked back to me. His hand felt weird, he said to me."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, it should. It's actually a 47 year old Mexican man in there.
ED LARSON
"I looked up at Goofy. I didn't care. They could be as animated as they wanted but unmoving faces always gave me the creeps, the way they could just stare forever. We didn't engage with many after David got creeped out and I couldn't really get an explanation out of him. We still had far too many things to see anyway, we couldn't be stopping to talk to each and every make believe character. David's mood slowly returned as we feasted on a monstrously expensive meal and went on for a few more rides."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus Christ, this is a description to complain.
MARCUS PARKS
Every opportunity.
ED LARSON
"We sat together as the sun had long passed since the horizon and watched the fireworks leap into the air. The brilliant spectacle of colors and booms filled the park."
MARCUS PARKS
Finally.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus.
MARCUS PARKS
It's good.
ED LARSON
"And despite all of my complaints, there with my boy, it truly was the happiest place on earth."
MARCUS PARKS
Oh okay.
ED LARSON
"It would have been picture perfect if it wasn't for all the mascots that stood around us. With every glow of the various colors, their features were outlined and they'd fade into the dark."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are we in a novel right now? Are we in fucking, what's it-
ED LARSON
"It was eerie and I was glad David hadn't gotten scared. But once the grand finale sent a seemingly endless stream of fireworks cascading into the sky, filling it with bright-"
MARCUS PARKS
Right back to complaining.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Ugh.
ED LARSON
"Sparkling lights, I noticed the mascots had left. Then the fireworks ceased and our only lights were the sparse place lamps around the park and a bit more time of walking around until it was time for us to leave. David said he needed to use the bathroom, so we started our search. And the crowd was flowing like a river towards the exits. I was bumped on my shoulder and I turned to face a man who gave me a quick apologetic glance and that was all it took for David's hand to slip loose from mine. Looking back, I noticed I was alone. My head frantically swiveled searching through the crowd. My voice raised above the surrounding chatter as best I could, calling his name. And when I didn't hear a reply, I started pushing against the tide. My exhausted body brushed up against an ocean of others and I tried to find a clearing hoping the herd would thin out. My breath and my heart started to race in tandem as seconds felt like an eternity. Getting back to the pack, I could hear the distant and timid 'hello!' 'hello!' swimming under the conversations around me. David! It was David! I looked around like a madman and once a few people were surrounding me, I could see that under one of the lights was none other than Mickey Mouse."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! That's a hard one to get.
ED LARSON
"Of course, I thought. Of course David would want to say goodbye to Mickey if he saw him."
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Seriously though, honestly, Mickey's the dumbest shit-
ED LARSON
This guy misspelled Mickey by the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did. And Mickey's the dumbest fucking one. Mickey's the most dumb shit waste of a character in the entire fucking lexicon of Disney characters.
ED LARSON
He's the boss.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's the problem. Who likes the boss?
MARCUS PARKS
Donald. Donald Duck's the best.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Donald Duck is the best.
ED LARSON
I like Goofy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he is.
ED LARSON
(Goofy laugh) Great comedian. "With the crowd dissipated, I quickly jogged to the oversized rodent and noticed that David had a small collection of tears under his eyes. I promptly asked him what was wrong and he said that Mickey won't say goodbye to him."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This kid, man.
ED LARSON
"The last thing I wanted was for David's final memory of the park to be a negative one. All he wanted was a goodbye."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's had a great time.
ED LARSON
"I stood up straight and looked at the mouse and his saucer-sized black pupils, then back at my son who was wiping his cheeks. Slowly I stepped forward and lean in towards the mouse ear and I did my best to keep a whisper so my son couldn't hear. 'Hey, I know you're not supposed to but even if it's the worst impression, just say goodbye.' There was a moment of silence and when I didn't receive a response, I started to pull away from Mickey. 'Daddy,' David chimed in. When I turned my head, I noticed that Goofy had closed in on us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What the fuck?
ED LARSON
"Looking back to Mickey in the dark, when I stared into his pupils, it seemed like the dark they were made of was swirling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's cool. Cool. That's fine.
ED LARSON
"I told David that we should just get going but he wanted to say goodbye and grabbed Mickey's hand. And then Mickey grabbed back."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Be a father! Take your child out of the goddamn scenario.
ED LARSON
"The grip must have been strong as David immediately started to struggle against and screamed for me. 'What the hell!?' I shouted towards the rat. I reached out to grab Mickey's arm and when my hands made contact, I understood David's previous statement. Weird was the only word I could come up with too."
MARCUS PARKS
Wewy weird, wewy weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Weird. Super weird.
ED LARSON
"Whatever was under the costume was much skinnier than a person should be. The mask I grabbed onto felt like it was constantly shifting around under my hands."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a teenager.
ED LARSON
"I wanted to leave the park but I also wanted to give my son fond memories of it. I didn't want things to get physical."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's at Disney World. What do you mean I didn't want things to get physical? Who says that before they go to Disney World?
MARCUS PARKS
Things get physical.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I don't wanna, I don't prepare myself like all right, guys, we're about to go over to the fucking pit!
ED LARSON
There's like a really good fight in Mickey's Toontown.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Oh it's one of my favorite ones. Yeah, we know that one.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. It's a fun one. "I turned to look at David but instead of being able to focus on calming him down, I noticed Goofy was walking closer to us. The illumination above us cast completely on the front of Goofy and the costume fabric was writhing like hundreds of fingers were underneath the costume, all pressing the inside of it. That was enough. I'd just buy the kids some damn ice cream on the way home, I'm getting out of here! Let go of him or I'm gonna hit you, I warned. I was tired but the thing under my hands didn't feel like it had any muscle to speak of. Yet it continued its dead gaze into my eyes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they have to be very thin to get in the thick costumes.
ED LARSON
"David's cries echoing in my head, I reeled back and threw a punch to the cartoon's head. I thought it'd come completely off but it was just hanging off of its shoulder, held together by a thin black string, a string that was moving around to pull the head back into place. Mickey's grip loosened and David was able to wriggle free. But me, I could feel two light brown arms wrapping around me. Run to the exit, David! I exclaimed as I wrestled against the dog trying to hold me in place."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is happening?
ED LARSON
"That's enough, a sweet voice commanded. And in response, Goofy pulled away from me. I adjusted my gaze to the female voice that saved me. Sorry, nighttime is feeding time, she spoke."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh nighttime's the feeding time.
ED LARSON
"I was beside myself as I looked into the face of Sleeping Beauty. The actor stood under the lamp across-" See he said actor and not actress and that is progressive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
"Lamp across the path. And with her hands clasped together, Mickey and Goofy stepped away from us. Mickey, now with his head back on his shoulders, stepped into the shadow. Sleeping Beauty walked forwards with an unwavering smile. We have to take care of our young, don't we? She spoke, looking at David but clearly addressing me."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he's killing a father.
ED LARSON
"What's your name, little guy? David looked back at me and back to Sleeping Beauty. David, he whispered" Oh sorry. "David, he whispered. Sleeping Beauty lowered herself to David's eye level and gave him a nice toothy smile. Goodbye, David, she spoke soft and kind with one of her hands reaching out to hold David's hand. And goodnight. Raising back to meet my stare, she continued her almost inhuman smile. You're going to want to get that off of you, she pointed at my arm. There was what I first thought to be a strand of hair resting on my bare arm. What I thought was hair then spread out and seemed to multiply until it was a scraggly clump of thick strands reaching around."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, he then becomes the character.
MARCUS PARKS
Now he's... Yeah.
ED LARSON
"I felt a small prick as a number of the strands seemed to try and wriggle their way into my pores. Quickly I raised the other hand and grabbed the mouse and I pried it from my arm and the strands continued to brace into my skin. With enough effort, the tendrils were snapped and I chucked the mass onto the ground before it could latch onto my hand. The clump moved across the tiled road until it found Sleeping Beauty who bent over and let it rest on her gloved hands. She nodded. And with that, I grabbed David's hand and once more pulled him towards the exit. His tears were gone and all that was left was a satisfied grin."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
I offered one more look back as we got to the exit. They were all there, each mascot we'd come across that day stood in the dark, watching us leave. Our drive home was long, quick for David though, he passed out in the passenger seat clutching one of his souvenirs we'd purchased. So expensive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You almost got eaten by evil shapeshifting Disney characters. Why are we so upset about the merch?
ED LARSON
"I tried to get the images out of my head on the ride home, each strand of hair in the car sending me into a mild panic until the wind pouring from the windows whisked away. I think what was most disturbing to me, even as horrific as the fur mascots were being held together by whatever the hell was inside there, was Sleeping Beauty. Her calm and collected attitude and most unnerving when she flashed that toothy grin at my son, the light above us perfectly bounced off of those pearly whites and the black strands that were poking out of the small gaps in her teeth. David has never brought it up despite me asking if there was anything he wanted to talk about. And he only reminisces about the positive experiences of that day. I'm not sure if we'll ever go back but if we do, we'll be sure to leave before closing time."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why would you go back?! All he did was complain! He hated the entire trip!
MARCUS PARKS
Not only did he complain the entire time but he knows that Disneyland is filled with supernatural creatures that feed upon children at night.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And he's not calling anybody.
ED LARSON
Yeah, call the cops. He's part of the problem!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He literally left. You could fill out a comment card!
MARCUS PARKS
And it's not like they start feeding at like 2 am, it was as the crowd was leaving, the park wasn't even closed yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They didn't give him a shot.
ED LARSON
It's not the best story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God help us. Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. Wowie wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow. The episodes, I will say, the creepypastas may not be as impressive as they used to be. But I think we're just as impressive as ever.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean I think 'Being the Big One' was pretty good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think 'Being the Big One' is pretty good.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yours again, it needs an edit.
MARCUS PARKS
Editing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need an edit. It just needs an edit.
ED LARSON
I really should have taken, it could have been half as long.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, I sometimes do... This is a little, again, you wanna hear some BTS?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes when I'm going through the story, I just edit it as I go. If I've read the story already, I just go through it because-
ED LARSON
I'd say more than half of what I just read was unnecessary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it is? Because it does teach you though about writing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it's all about information delivered. Why do we need these statements, right? Like in the end, him winning the contest to go to Disney had nothing to do with the rest of the story. If it had come back in some way, that would make sense.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what I meant. I was expecting the whole time like the contest was like you won being eaten!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's literally, you just made that story good.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you are safe now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You literally just made the story good. That's the story.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I just followed like a literary, the Chekhov's gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It comes back.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it comes back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's to me, that's my one lesson to the creepypasta people. But normally we had people, because we took these, these are mostly from strangers that have contributed. We normally do our listenerpasta which we will do again in October for Side Stories.
ED LARSON
Oh cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where we will do contributed stories because I love getting our listeners self-written stories because they do great shit.
MARCUS PARKS
They do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have very, very talented people that listen to the show.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they can do it.
ED LARSON
These were not listeners.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No. These were strangers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are strangers.
ED LARSON
I'm sorry, I meant these weren't fucks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These weren't dirty evil dogs. Thank you for reminding me. But we wanna just take a little moment. Thank you, the listener, because without you where would we be? Just fucking sucking our own dicks in a prison. Probably.
ED LARSON
Weren't you calling them pisseners earlier?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Out of affection and love. But what we wanted to let you know is that yes, this is a little bit of a stop inbetween because we are going to Australia for three weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
That we are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I'm gonna give you a couple of messaging things here, right.
ED LARSON
What's that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is number one, we are off for Last Stream on the Left for two weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna come back before we go on our summer break which you guys are gonna see, so that'll be good. Nothing will be interrupted about your precious podcast feed.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna be doing podcasts in Australia. Honestly I'm really excited.
ED LARSON
We got a studio booked out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We got a studio booked, we're doing something alt spooky Australia which we've never really done before because normally we do true crime when we travel.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so this is the first time I'm really excited about doing paranormal in a country that's kind of weird about it. Because in Australia, like they have a whole thing. Like in America you kind of find certain things out as you go around.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like America itself is actually very obsessed with the paranormal.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's not so much everywhere else. But because of that, when you scratch the surface of something like this... Like I have these two books called 'Haunted Australia' that is all of this shit that I've never heard before and actually kind of interesting new poltergeist activity stuff that I'm really excited to get into. That'll be the next couple of weeks.
ED LARSON
I heard Baz Luhrmann's mother is a ghost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Time did that. And then we are doing Side Stories from the road and that's all while we are performing live for you in Australia. And we're gonna be there, we're gonna show you when we're in town. Come on out to the shows. Lastpodcastontheleft.com, buy the shows in Australia. I can't wait to go.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean once this episode comes out, we're gonna be-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On a place.
MARCUS PARKS
On a plane to New Zealand, to Auckland.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. So we cannot wait. Thank you, guys. And we're gonna fucking do it. Gonna do you right.
MARCUS PARKS
Gonna do it. We'll see y'all in Australia, y'all. And New Zealand.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan. Goodbye, you dirty little dogs. Go to patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft.com to pay to watch us talk. Go to TikTok and Instagram for social bullshit @lpontheleft. It's not hurting everybody.
MARCUS PARKS
Nah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then go to lastpodcastontheleft.com, buy tickets for our live shows. It's gonna be fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Hail Gein, you dingoes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's actually the most dangerous animal in Australia.
MARCUS PARKS
It is.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And you can go to eddietunes.com to get your Florida's Biggest Baby T-shirts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
And Hail Goofy, the greatest comedian of all time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Goofy is, yes. I just think Donald Duck is a more funny persona.
ED LARSON
He's an asshole!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I like about it.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm just saying that Goofy never played Hitler.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
And Donald Duck did and he killed it.
ED LARSON
And that's good for you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I will say-
MARCUS PARKS
It was satire?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you know that Goofy did Mengele? (Goofy laughter) One died, the other twin's still alive!
ED LARSON
Yoinks!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fun to do.