BEN KISSEL
Caitlyn Jenner, $2500.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That makes sense.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it does.
BEN KISSEL
All right, there you go, boys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It costs like 10 grand to get driving instructions.
BEN KISSEL
You got her. He got her good, folks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I'm loosening up. Now I'm feeling it.
MARCUS PARKS
You're loosening up. Of course man, you're feeling the New York energy. You're over here, you're in the New York studio, you're with me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's kind of fun. I've never been on this side of the camera and it's weird to see Kissel so small.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like a reverse telescope.
BEN KISSEL
I'll pull my pants down and you'll get to see something pretty, well, small.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Especially through camera.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess you could put it up near the cup for scale but then you'd be doing that in front of Fernando, our employee, and then he'd sue you til you didn't exist anymore.
BEN KISSEL
A whole series of things. How are we going to start this? Are we starting like that?
MARCUS PARKS
We're in it, man.
BEN KISSEL
We have begun. Okay, great. Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left everyone. I am Ben hanging out with Henry and hanging out with Marcus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're not though.
BEN KISSEL
Well I am.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Me and Marcus are hanging out.
BEN KISSEL
I'm tele hanging out. I'm tele hanging out. Remember Zoom? Remember when Jeffrey Toobin got caught masturbating on Zoom?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do. The entire nation does.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you won't let us forget it.
BEN KISSEL
Today's episode, oh it's gonna be real exciting. We're getting into UFO territory, alien land. I'm not quite sure but we'll learn together. The Incident at Devil's Den! And no, we're not referring to what happened with Henry on the toilet this morning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no because that was Devil's living room.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You're staying in New York City, that's what we call the Devil's Kitchen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the breakfast nook.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now guys, are you ready to allow some monkey men into your life?
BEN KISSEL
Why not?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that's what today's episode is all about is are you willing to greet these monkey men with the amount of respect they need to be so that they don't leave your shoes untied?
BEN KISSEL
Sure. Yeah. I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you better be careful, man. The one thing I also did learn from Terry Lovelace is that you better not sleep with your shoes untied because you never know when you got to get up and not get R'd by a bunch of monkey men in space.
BEN KISSEL
Well indeed, I think those are prison rules. The monkey man demonized by Wizard of Oz and I think we need to take the narrative back and realize that flying monkeys can be friends as well. So let's get into it.
MARCUS PARKS
Unfortunately today we will be furthering the evil monkey man narrative.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unless you do believe what Terry says later on that they were just masks.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the Incident at Devil's Den is a highly compelling UFO abduction encounter told by one of the participants in said abduction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
In this case the participant was a highly respected lawyer named Terry Lovelace, Esquire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am a highly respected lawyer only with the name of a pornographic actress!
BEN KISSEL
Yes, indeed. I was driving down the street the other day and there's a street called Dixie Canyon here in Los Angeles and I thought that would be a great pornstar name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it has 'Dix' in it, huh?
BEN KISSEL
And canyon.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Actually it could be both. Wow, it could be a man or a woman, insane.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I'm gonna do porn, my name is gonna be like Rupert Johnson.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's not bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just want to be a normal man's man. It's like oh there, it's Guy Harrington.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, might be Richard Danforth.
BEN KISSEL
That's perfect.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the source for our episode is of course 'The Incident at Devil's Den' by Terry Lovelace himself which is as we'll get into over the course of this episode a classic tale of lifelong patterns of alien abduction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This motherfucker's entire life was riddled with UFOs, monkey men, little people, praying mantis people, all sorts of stuff, doing all sorts of stuff with his jizz.
BEN KISSEL
How did he have the time to become a lawyer?
MARCUS PARKS
It was intermittent.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Adderall.
BEN KISSEL
Oh all right, hour of addy.
MARCUS PARKS
Well from what Terry claims, he's one of those alien abduction victims who have had to deal with alien encounters since childhood and not in the sort of sexually adventurous way that say David Huggins of Love & Saucers claims to have experienced.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because he's complicated because he kind of always was like, 'I sure wish that maybe they had said something to me before taking my virginity.'
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But at the same time man, you had a big titted gray alien woman riding you, just let it go. Just let it in.
BEN KISSEL
And he painted amazing pictures because of it.
MARCUS PARKS
He did, I actually have one hanging on the walls here in the studio.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Terry Lovelace rightfully sees his alien encounters as an extreme burden, a half century long nightmare that never seems to end. And with few exceptions, it is a terrifying and painful experience every time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It truly did. I just watched a really good interview with Terry Lovelace and he talked for a long time, real long time, and I believe that he believes that something has happened to him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it's true, it ruined his life. And he worked really hard to have a very composed legal life.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he's a well respected lawyer, he was a military man, and all of this shit... Because there's something about those guys, it's why doesn't it happen to me? That's why it doesn't happen to me. It's because that goes right in the bio.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? For me.
BEN KISSEL
Oh you would love it. But it's never gonna happen, you want it too much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's one of my biggest bookings if I get abducted. But for Terry Lovelace, I guess especially in the 1970s if you tell a bunch of your fellow military officers that you've maybe been abducted and probed by a bunch of aliens/monkey men in a UFO that it might hurt your career in the military.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh they'll pin you down in the shower, make fun of you a little bit. It'll be a nice, as we talked about before the show, Farva ribbing there from Super Troopers. Terry Lovelace hurt his lawyer career, every time he would go and prosecute a case or defend a case, lingerie he would wear. And I always said don't wear the lingerie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Funny. That's spinning off of my material. That's really interesting that you said that because I feel like if he heard that he might like old man jack you.
BEN KISSEL
He might.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You remember, who was it, Buzz Aldrin? Who punched-
BEN KISSEL
It was Buzz.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Maybe Neil.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Old man just cocked, from the shoulder, the pop, the WWII punch.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it was Neil Armstrong that punched the fake moon guy, the fake moon landing guy in the face. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Just bap!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Why not?
MARCUS PARKS
Now Terry's big abduction occurred in 1977 when he and his friend Toby went camping at a state park adjacent to the Ozark National Forest while they were taking time off from the Air Force. And of course we'll cover the actual abduction later on the episode. But Terry kept that encounter a secret from everyone but his wife for 41 years and indeed planned on never telling anyone. That all changed however when a fingernail-sized piece of metal was found in his knee during a routine X-ray in 2012. That year when Terry was in his early 60s, he woke up and couldn't put any weight on his right leg. So he went to the hospital to have some X-rays taken but after the technician took two X-rays, he came back five minutes later and took two more, then two more, and then two more.
BEN KISSEL
That's a total of 8.
MARCUS PARKS
That's exactly what I was just about to say! For a total of 8.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good math. Kissel actually showed yesterday, he has actually a pretty solid grasp of common core.
MARCUS PARKS
Really?
BEN KISSEL
I did pretty well figuring out our Sirius Radio timing, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
64 plus 72. Go, go, go, go, go!
BEN KISSEL
64 plus 72. You would take the six. That would be 72. So six minus 72 would be 57.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? No, no, I misread this.
BEN KISSEL
156!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you're designing this airplane?
BEN KISSEL
No, I'll get the answer to you later. Let me look at my phone here and I'll google it. I'll google it. Those are the tough ones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well and unfortunately it turns out he only took 8 X-rays because he was jerking off to him.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the technician, after taking 8 X-rays, he asked Terry if he'd ever sustained a shrapnel wound in the military because of course, hey, you got a little tiny object in your knee. But the mystery was that there was no evidence of scar tissue. That's why he kept taking more and more and more. Something's not right here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Additionally, there was a flower petal arrangement of objects the same density as bone floating in the middle of his calf muscle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not good.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
Weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Extrapolating from what we know about other mysterious objects found in human bodies, this all points towards the possibility that Terry was a victim of alien implantation.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They gave him Double Ds from space!
BEN KISSEL
I know what I saw!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Terry, it's interesting the concept of alien implants cause we covered in an episode a long time ago-
MARCUS PARKS
Long, long time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We kind of went over it. But what still holds is that most alien implants are found by podiatrists and hypnotherapist, almost like they might not know how to read X-rays.
MARCUS PARKS
These are X-ray technicians here, these guys are true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure. But we do have chunks of metal get pulled out of people and we don't know what the hell it is.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a lot of times they go and they finally get it examined, you'd expect it to look like some kind of crazy microchip but it's more a very unique packaging of metals that are not necessarily found in the area in which the person that was suffering from the implant lived or worked.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean the thing about the Terry Lovelace stories, I'll say this right up top, is that I did say this is a classic alien story because there are many of the tropes in this story that we see throughout a lot of alien abductions. But the thing is that I also believe that Terry Lovelace believes that all of this happened to him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has the eyes of an incredibly haunted human being.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, very much so. So that does give the story some credence. Definitely not saying that's proof that this actually happened but Terry Lovelace, he's not a guy on a park bench nudging you in the ribs, asking you to listen to his UFO story. This guy's legit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wish he was.
BEN KISSEL
All right. We can always use a little bit more credence.
MARCUS PARKS
Hell yeah, bro.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's you asking to suck on it.
MARCUS PARKS
But one must ask exactly when Terry received these implants because from what Terry claimed he had been plagued by alien visitations ever since he was a little boy, back when Terry knew the visitors only as the monkey men.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(monkey sounds)
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
See Terry's visitations began in the early to mid '60s when Terry was only 8 years old. So the image that we can all immediately conjure up in our minds for alien grays, that was not yet in the public consciousness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So Terry's young brain filtered these aliens as something he could understand, ie monkeys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Or because they were monkey-like in behavior.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, jumping around, jumping on the bed, one fell down, hit its head. We know what they do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. They're very clumsy. But these aliens, they get jumped up and down and you'll see this is a common thing amongst grays especially, they love to hop.
MARCUS PARKS
They do. But from what Terry said, he woke up in the middle of the night to see four gray 2 ft tall monkeys with large yellow eyes, long arms, and tails.
BEN KISSEL
Why isn't he just making friends with them?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's difficult when you just wake up.
BEN KISSEL
They're fun! I know but they're gonna be like oh what's up little weird looking guy? It's kind of fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not as many people or as let's say allowing as you are.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where you really have a strong threshold of what you sort of allow into your general reality.
BEN KISSEL
I just don't care about so much stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
Well after staring at him with broad grins for a bit-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You awake?
MARCUS PARKS
The monkey men said without moving their lips, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(muffled) "Come play with us!"
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, see!
MARCUS PARKS
It was a telepathic thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(muffled) Come play with us!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, come play with us. I'm like all right!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm doing it without moving my lips.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean it was obvious that they were not speaking audibly, they were speaking telepathically.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
They said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Come play with us. We'll have fun and we'll take you back home in just a little while."
BEN KISSEL
Sure! Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Now of course Terri's parents didn't believe him but after nights of Terry waking up screaming that the monkey men were coming to get him-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The monkey men are coming to get me!
MARCUS PARKS
His father put electrical tape around his door to keep the monkey men out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's such a good dad quick fix. There we go, yep, that'll do it right there. Yeah, no monkey man can figure out tape.
BEN KISSEL
No, no way.
MARCUS PARKS
But strangely it worked for eight weeks. Until the monkey men tried a different approach. One afternoon Terry said he was in his backyard shooting arrows at a bunch of big pieces of hay when a large silver-shaped flat disk appeared 50 ft above his head, making no noise. The only indication that it was not a hallucination was the sudden smell of freshly mowed grass and ionized air.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yankee Candles.
BEN KISSEL
Indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
Is the smell of freshly cut grass, is that a common UFO thing? I seem to remember reading that somewhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does come up especially just straight up in anomalous experiences. It does come up, that smell. It might be something else because I think a lot of times I also hear the term 'ozone'.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, ozone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It just depends on what it calls up for you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I think it is actually ozone and not... I looked it up and ionized air and ozone gets confused a lot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I think he meant it was the smell of ozone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's cooking electricity.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. And you know you're having a good weekend when you're in the o-zone.
MARCUS PARKS
yeah, I'm having a good week here.
BEN KISSEL
Sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Except I did watch that one video of the guy that has, what was it, like 50 orgasms a day.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And his life's a living hell.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh he can't control it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's just he comes and he comes and he comes and then it's like he's talking to this reporter and he's like no one cares because I'm ejaculating.
BEN KISSEL
Well just stop.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And everywhere I go people say lucky guy! But then next thing you know I'm at my niece's christening and I'm coming!
BEN KISSEL
Why aren't we talking about that guy right now? That's a whole episode.
MARCUS PARKS
Is he British? Can we talk about him during our UK Relaxed Fit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's British in spirit.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
Well after about 10 minutes of this disc floating in Terry's backyard, it tilted upward and silently shot off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
A week after the sighting of the craft though, Terry's nightmares truly began with visions of shadowy figures grabbing him and carrying him away with many hands.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
And then once he was carried away to another location, he was held down by man-sized praying mantis-like bugs who ignored his frightened pleas of mercy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(metal guitar riff)
BEN KISSEL
See that's scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The mantis has no mercy!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that is scary. He's right about that one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually talked about this recently, I was interviewed by Gothic Beauty Magazine.
BEN KISSEL
I know because you're quite the gothic beauty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everyone always asks me for tips and skits of how they could be more goth and the first thing I tell them, wear sunscreen. But I was talking about the praying mantis aliens and about oftentimes-
MARCUS PARKS
With Gothic Beauty Magazine?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not not me.
BEN KISSEL
Was that right after your Polish pasty conversation that you were having?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
Polish pasties go over your Polish nipples.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, a piece of ham.
BEN KISSEL
The Polish, they put the pasties on their buttocks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, oh wow. You been hanging out with my father? But the praying mantises are the scariest of the alien subgroups.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Besides the reptilians which are perennially, honestly now I'm starting to think that a lot of people are talking mess about reptilians and it's actually the opposite, they actually are suffering from some form of intergalactic racism. And I will bring that up in future episodes.
BEN KISSEL
I'm not totally against the reptilians at this point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
People have not been doing great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. But the praying mantis are oftentimes, when they're seen in these scenarios they're described as Nazi-like with their attention to devious details.
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, they are scary for sure.
MARCUS PARKS
While Terry was obviously going through something, his sister of course made fun of him for it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what you gotta do.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that's what they do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So to get back at her, he hid under the couch and waited until she was on the phone. Then he grabbed her ankle and she was so surprised she screamed and wet her pants.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
And it's fun that he put that in his book.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep, that's called brother revenge.
BEN KISSEL
He got her good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can wait for years before your revenge finally plays out.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Well when Terry's father confronted him, Terry said that he wanted her to know what it was like to be scared, telling his father, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Spank me if you want! But you better make them stop it or else."
BEN KISSEL
Jesus, all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm four years old, daddy.
BEN KISSEL
I know, Terry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You want to come over here and try to spank my ironclad little booty? I dare you. And you have at it. Let it clang away with your big old man hands and your wedding band slapping against my metal butt. I'll let you know, I know what I saw.
MARCUS PARKS
After that Terry said his relationship with his father was never the same.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Now over the next few months, Terry developed both a fear of the dark and a fear of open spaces, so he was taken to a doctor where he explained his nightmares. Or were they nightmares after all?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? Now he's getting it.
MARCUS PARKS
The doctor of course blamed it all on cartoons. Watching too much Space Ghost, kid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I always fantasized... The thing about Space Ghost, especially the original Space Ghost-
MARCUS PARKS
(echoing) Space Ghost!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Space Ghost! It definitely always be involved being group assaulted by monkey men.
MARCUS PARKS
Well actually he's not too far off there, lest ye forget Zorak, my friend.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
MARCUS PARKS
The praying mantis alien.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We now know the whitewashing of Zorak, right? But he's different in the cartoon, the original.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. In the original he's much scarier. Now things calmed down for a couple of years after that but at age 11, Terry woke up in the middle of the night to find multicolored lights shining through his window. And when he looked out the window he saw another flying saucer shrouded in heavy fog.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
BEN KISSEL
Sweet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
This time the craft was accompanied by a low bassy hum.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(bass playing)
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
(low humming)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sit on your speaker like the old Howard Stern show.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah. Nice, it's like a Flaming Lips concert.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, or like a Sun O))) show.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I don't know who that is.
MARCUS PARKS
You would like it.
BEN KISSEL
Sounds good. Oh yeah, love 'em.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, looking for the brown note. Now the nightmares returned with images of the big insect- like things and in his words they were manipulating tools with long thin fingers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh lucky.
MARCUS PARKS
And now that I think about it, yeah, he might have just been having Zorak nightmares.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean has anyone ever had a Zorak nightmare?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know, man.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sure they have. Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I would imagine so. But yeah like you said, we know Zorak as-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As the funny.
MARCUS PARKS
We know him as the funny Zorak, C. Martin Croker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's how we know Zorak.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how I like my Zorak.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But eventually though things calmed down again and Terry told no one about his experiences for decades.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not telling anybody for goddamn decades!
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
He did however write a poem and high school recounting his experiences which Henry will now recite in part.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Shadows from the hallway crept into my room, along the monkey men too, I assume. Never before in life had I seen a creature that grinned. Before I could scream, a candle's flame dances before it grows dim. One monkey man shadow had slowly crept in, on his knees and with ease he is perched on the edge of my bed if you please. The silence was broken one inch from my ear as the monkey man whispered, my boy, I'm right here. Now monkeys were four and were master to see children or even grown men if you please. I started to tremble and covered my head but the monkeys all four, they crept close to my bed. And outside of my covers four peeled with delight, these monkey men here will take me this night."
BEN KISSEL
Dude, that's really good. That's a great poem. I mean he does need to see the counselor because it seems like he's being molested. But it is a very good-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah by a group of men who dress as apes.
BEN KISSEL
It is a very good poem though.
MARCUS PARKS
It's pretty solid.
BEN KISSEL
I like it.
MARCUS PARKS
It's actually much longer than that, it's very, very, long.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very long.
BEN KISSEL
Talented guy. Smart kid, you can tell.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he became a lawyer!
BEN KISSEL
I know.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe he went to Tufts.
BEN KISSEL
Tufts.
MARCUS PARKS
That's where my brother-in-law went, he went to Tufts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and he's doing very well now, isn't he?
MARCUS PARKS
He's doing great, he's doing wonderfully.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very well.
MARCUS PARKS
But the kick comes at the very end with this final stanza:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I swear by all that is holy and all that is right that next time you come to take me at night, when four little monkeys crouch near my bed, I'll take my revolver and shoot them all dead."
BEN KISSEL
Well it's a little aggressive towards the end there. But again, he's got some issues. You can't write a limerick or a poem like that anymore. Because that's violence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well Terry, Terry, this monkey men story is absolutely compelling, Terry. Tell me, do they do they like bananas? That was Coast to Coast, they did do that. It's just being like, 'Monkey men everywhere. Now tell me, Terry, I don't mean to poke holes in your story here but do you live close to a zoo?'
MARCUS PARKS
George Noory. He's asking the hard questions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is.
BEN KISSEL
He's asking accurate questions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the only critical thing I've ever heard him say on Coast to Coast because he's always yes anding but he was just being like, 'I simply cannot believe that monkeys would ever work in such an aggressive fashion.' It's like he just refused to believe that monkeys could ever behave like humans.
BEN KISSEL
They can be very aggressive. I think Michael Jackson's monkey Bobo or whatever-
MARCUS PARKS
Bubbles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bubbles.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, he had to be put down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah because of all the fucking trauma he experience.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everything he saw, he wasn't allowed to tell anybody.
MARCUS PARKS
What is this, 1992? You're doing Bubbles jokes?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. He always was pointing at the kids going, (monkey sounds).
BEN KISSEL
Okay, thank you Bubbles.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the aliens stopped bothering Terry for a while and Terry eventually joined the Air force. But once again the aliens found him, although it's hard to say whether this next sighting was about him specifically or if it was just a fun coincidence.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
See in 1975 Terry was working as an EMT and a medic at Whiteman Air Force Base in Kansas City. He was working with a young senior airman whom Terry named Tobias in his book 'Incident at Devil's Den', called him Toby for short.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
So one day during a routine emergency call, Terry and Toby both came upon a chaotic scene of emergency vehicles and security vehicles with men crouched behind cars holding rifles. Shit's going down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
BEN KISSEL
Uh oh.
MARCUS PARKS
After stopping, Terry and Toby saw that the object cause causing the commotion was a black diamond shaped object a little larger than a full size van hovering about 50 ft over a missile silo.
BEN KISSEL
Weird.
MARCUS PARKS
This is also very common in UFO sightings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's the matte black triangles, pyramids, diamonds, and also sometimes a lot of times, especially over military bases, the way they describe it, a lot of spheres, chrome spheres.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Chrome.
BEN KISSEL
Sniffing around, see what we got.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well spotlight showed that it did indeed have a matte black finish, it was non reflective, and there was no sign of engines or propellers. This sounds a lot like the so called UAPs that we've been seeing lately in these leaked videos. And this is something he saw in 1975. And like some of those objects, this object went from a dead stop to blinding speed and was gone in less than a second. Of course when Terry asked an officer, hey, just what the hell was that thing? The officer said quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Guys, guys, guys, guys. That was an experimental helicopter. Okay?"
BEN KISSEL
Okay, I didn't see any blades, it didn't make any noise though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're inside. Just shut up. Okay? You don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, it works somehow. I don't know. You think I know?
BEN KISSEL
Hey buddy, is that thing full of monkeys?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me hear. Can I hear it? Well I'm not hearing any chimp.
BEN KISSEL
Nope, can't hear it.
MARCUS PARKS
Chimps aren't monkeys.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Chimps aren't monkeys, they're just not. I'm just saying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah there is a difference, I know.
MARCUS PARKS
There is. Are you looking it up right now?
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah. Whole bunch of differences.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you trying to fact check me to monkeys and chimps are different?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are chimps monkeys? No, do you really want me to do it?
BEN KISSEL
Are chimps monkeys? Let's see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Chimps are not monkeys, no.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic. Marcus Parks with the win.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really good.
MARCUS PARKS
Two years later though, Terry saw another object that sounds quite a bit like the object I myself saw in high school while hanging out in the graveyard alone. At around 4AM, Terry said that he and Toby saw a glowing orb just below the north star that slowly traversed the night sky before it blinked out like someone flipped a switch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, which you hear quite often.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But despite all the weird shit happening out in the wilds, Terry and Toby decided to take a camping trip together at a place called Devil's Den near Russellville, Arkansas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that is actually where, Terry was saying when they were setting up this camping trip, he was like, 'Toby asked me, hey Terry, you want to go camping? I said first of all you're goddamn crazy, it's the first time I ever heard about camping from you ever once. Because he knows me, I'm a city guy. I'm from St. Louis.'
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was really like being like why would I go camping? But it kind of sounded like Toby was kind of angling, he's like we should go out, I know this place, we can see the sky where it's all these beautiful stars. Meanwhile Terry's just like, 'He was my best friend, it was the best time we ever spent together was me and him holding hands, watching the stars. But there's nothing gay about it.'
BEN KISSEL
No, nothing at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was just me and my military buddy!
BEN KISSEL
Having fun at the old Devil's Den with your buddy Toby.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well at Devil's Den both of their lives would effectively be ruined by what happened in the woods, just like so many abduction victims before and after.
BEN KISSEL
They actually got stuck in the 69 position.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very difficult.
BEN KISSEL
It's weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very difficult to explain to your CO why you're in that scenario where you're like, I tell you there was these monkey men, they left a series of banana peels all over the field and next thing you know I was spinning in the air. We were running towards each other, playing a little bit of naked touch football because that's what we do, all right, is try to see how slippery we can get. But it's more about avoiding capture.
BEN KISSEL
But they are a fantastic defense attorney team because one guy stands on his feet, he gives a nice speech and they flip around.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tumble. Yep.
BEN KISSEL
They tumble and the other guy... They're really good. If the cock fits, you must acquits. And you can imagine how the cock was fitting there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's great.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after arriving at the campsite, Toby and Terry decided to take a hike before setting up their tent and all. Oddly they stopped after about three miles for a rest and both of them fell asleep. When they woke up it was almost sundown and Terry said that he felt disoriented as they both hurried back to camp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he said it was very compelling. He was a young man, he didn't understand. He's like I never slept, I didn't sleep. I was in the military.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, I've never been on a hike and thought I'm gonna lay down and take a nap.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just lay down and take a nap.
BEN KISSEL
They may have passed out or something.
MARCUS PARKS
Well we'll see. Now after hastily setting up their tent and a fire, they settled in but noticed that while the forest had been just an hour before full of life, there was now not a single sound around, not even a solitary cricket or frog.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did say this idea that him and his buddy had a yell over the fire and the crickets. Is it that loud?
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's never that loud.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what he was saying. He was like, 'Because that was the thing was that Toby and I, you gotta scream at each other to even be heard over these frogs.'
BEN KISSEL
It could be loud if there's a bunch of cicadas around or something like that, you would have to yell if you're in the middle of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I guess if it is cicadas, I mean a fire is not that... I mean unless you're like burning down a hospital or something.
BEN KISSEL
That's the screams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the damn screams.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can't sleep with all this screaming.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as the silence settled, it was at that point that Toby pointed out something in the sky. There were three identical points of light sitting low in the western sky in a perfect triangle. And as he and Terry watched, the lights got brighter and began to move, rotating while maintaining that triangular configuration.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
The lights then climbed the horizon, growing brighter still as they grew larger and sped up, blocking out entire fields of stars. This thing was fucking big.
BEN KISSEL
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Finally these lights which were now very obviously a craft, they stopped just over Toby and Terry's head. It was so large that it blocked out the entire sky above.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've seen a couple of stories, many stories of sightings that sound just like this. This comes up a lot. Just recently we talked with somebody about a sighting over New York City. These are types of things that show up, it happens in New York too weirdly, people have talked about seeing this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It looked like a pizza pie, it looked like a slice of pizza.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how you know they're from Brooklyn!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
Well later Terry would describe this craft as resembling a five story office building covered in brightly lit windows featuring constantly changing colors. And while it's not quite as large as the football field sized crafts others have seen, it does sound similar to what was seen by dozens of people during the Hudson Valley sightings just a few years later.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I still kind of have a theory that somewhere the government has like three pyramid UFOs that they've had and every once in a while they just fly them out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Just to see what happens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, to see what happens.
BEN KISSEL
Yep, turns out they freaked out again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everyone screams.
BEN KISSEL
Go to bed. Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Now again this large craft was covered in the same non reflective black matte surface as the smaller diamond object that Toby and Terry had seen a few months before. But for some reason Toby decided to communicate with the craft and he flashed his flashlight three times towards the sky.
BEN KISSEL
Uh oh. Toby, don't be such a Toby. What are you doing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the problem. If you invite a Toby, he's gonna invite the aliens into the tent.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he said that when they were watching it, it was tumbling in a way. He said he watched it move and for him he felt that it was doing it for his benefit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah because Toby's like that friend when you meet the weird guy on the camping trip, the weird hippie that's alone, Toby is gonna be the guy that invites him along and then you gotta deal with that guy for the next two days.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, yeah, I know. Turtle's great! Yeah, he says he gave up his last name because the government's a series of liars. But yeah, he's coming. Yeah, I gave him all of our medicine to hold.
BEN KISSEL
That's great.
MARCUS PARKS
Well instantly after Toby flashed the lights, a beam of light the size of a softball focused on their dead fire pit. And after a few minutes a blue pencil thin light struck the campsite, actively and hypnotically darting around the area, never sitting on anything for more than a few seconds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool. Like a cat toy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh nice.
MARCUS PARKS
It seemed like it was looking for Toby and Terry because it did hit them a couple of times and then after it hit them it disappeared. And after they were hit they both felt a pleasant feeling of sedation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Both of them unable to stay awake, crawled into their tent to sleep, oddly not caring all that much about what was happening. And this is interesting. Henry, I wanted to ask you about this. The book 'Incident at Devil's Den' used a term called alien apathy. Have you ever heard of that before?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've never heard that specific term but that's kind of what they talk about. There is a sedation effect. They say that when you are abducted, as we'll cover, is that a lot of times they show up, often the scenario is they see a light, something weird in the sky, they're oddly fascinated by it, it shows up, the entities come into the room, a lot of times they're very peaceful, they're trying to calm you down, they're saying don't worry, we always do this, everybody loves this. And then you go like oh yeah, I do love this. And they talk about how you're basically in a kind of half sleep state, that's when you travel through things, you travel up, the light allows you, that you're traveling in, to break all laws of physics.
MARCUS PARKS
But when they went to sleep, that's when the true terror began.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Terry Lovelace of course blacked out and he had no real idea of what happened to him that night until he later went under hypnosis. All he knew that night was that when he was woken up by lights he heard the same low base home he'd heard during encounters as a child, every bone in his body ached, and he was dreadfully thirsty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He said he was the thirstiest he'd ever been in his life. And then he posted butt to main.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness!
MARCUS PARKS
Wait what? Butt to what?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's something on the internet, I've seen people say that.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what I learned off the internet today throat GOAT.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
Someone who's super good at sucking dick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean I feel like that is self explanatory.
BEN KISSEL
Yes it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He loves it.
MARCUS PARKS
Toby however was already awake and he had been crying. He was breathing quickly and shallowly and he was trying to peer out of the tent but all they could see was these flashing multicolored green and yellow strobe lights.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have flashed the flashlight there, Toby.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is Toby's fault.
BEN KISSEL
God.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Toby's like, 'We can't go out there, man. I rang the doorbell, man!'
BEN KISSEL
Jeez.
MARCUS PARKS
Suddenly though the two men realized that there were people outside of their tent, at least a dozen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he was very scared at first because where they were was in a restricted area of the national forest where they were at.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So they had to go past a bunch of like no trespassing signs because again, Toby had a spot where they could be super alone and watch the stars together.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's fine to just go out and watch some stars with your buddies. Sometimes it doesn't have to be like that, Henry. Sometimes you can have a platonic relationship with a friend.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I know.
BEN KISSEL
All right, well Marcus is reliving his college experience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But no, I say he went out there, so at first they thought they got us. My god, they found us. They thought that it was like park rangers and shit coming to kick him out.
MARCUS PARKS
Well a column of light then... Wait a minute. So he thought it was a bunch of park rangers with flashing strobe lights?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is Terry trying to piece it all together after the fact.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. Well a column of light then poured from the dead center of the building-sized aircraft in a pillar 30 ft in diameter. And Terry and Toby saw little people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The little people!
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Perhaps those not unlike Terry's childhood monkey men.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He said the way they looked is that he said that their legs, they were like (monkey sounds), they were in the field being weird, right.
BEN KISSEL
Being fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Working in remote. They kind of walk like they were programmed to walk together. But he said their legs looked like they were hinged to go backwards and they had no knees. You know when you see Kermit the Frog run?
MARCUS PARKS
yeah. Yeah and it's really unsettling?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where they kinda float and they're like (monkey sounds). You can't really see my act out, it's like a doll where the legs kind of kick back and forth. But they slowly trotted into this light that was there and then they pixelated away.
BEN KISSEL
Oh cool. Yeah, people can't see the act out, Henry. For the 11th year in a row, it's a podcast.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They can hear it though. (monkey sounds)
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Well once the last being was gone, the lights switched off, the craft stopped making its low vibrational hum, and the meadow was once again dead silent. The craft slowly gained altitude but instead of tilting and shooting away like they usually do, it merely ascended like a hot air balloon until it could no longer be seen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's like a hot woman showing off her butt.
MARCUS PARKS
How is that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Slowly sauntering down the street.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bye now. See ya later, hater.
BEN KISSEL
That's right. Great, great impression.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. I know women.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. You have an idea.
MARCUS PARKS
Now something obviously happened between the time the two men fell asleep and the time they woke up terrified and crying. But all Terry had was the vague memories of images and sounds. He remembered the whirring noises heard inside the large mothership, senses of motion and visions of ceilings and wall panels. He also had the vague suspicion that he'd seen not only other craft inside the building-sized mothership but dozens of other humans milling around, not afraid at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Alien government co-conspiracy working together, retrofitting technology, putting it in our phones, giving us Tiktok. Why? Don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Perfect. Absolutely. You're on the path to getting shot by the cops as we talk, Henry. Great job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If only.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Terry also noticed that his boots which were previously tightly laced, they were now unlaced and his socks were crooked. And his friend Toby's boots were in the same condition.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Their bodies ached, they felt sick, and they were both as we said insanely thirsty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nothing untoward.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
Nothing at all.
MARCUS PARKS
After deciding to leave they made it to a gas station and Terry and Toby noticed then that they were both badly sunburned all over their entire bodies with no tan lines at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that's interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Very common in alien encounters. Very common.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And common in high strangeness of all kinds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes, we talked about this earlier, we talked about in the live show too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The idea that there is a sickness associated with the phenomena that the government is very actively interested in figuring out how to gain access to and use for their own good.
BEN KISSEL
Also very common on the beaches of Brazil.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah, the no tan lines.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But these guys, if they were tanning, I'm pretty certain that they were wearing clothes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm pretty certain. And both of them were also covered in what appeared to be insect bites, little red bumps. But their main concern at that moment was thirst and because I don't think they sold bottled water at gas stations in the 70s-
BEN KISSEL
No, they definitely didn't. I remember the first bottled water I ever saw. I was stunned.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I could capture the ocean in a bottle?
BEN KISSEL
It's kind of like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this our water? Every water ever been?
BEN KISSEL
We've normalized bottled water way too much.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we have. So what Toby and Terry did... Well the reason why we've normalized bottled water so much is because most of us in America can't drink the water that comes out of the faucet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
You gotta toughen up your immune system, you gotta do one ounce a day, then do two ounces, and then you're strong like a bull.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The first actual sold bottled water was in 1767.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
Fuck. But not at gas stations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, because that was before cars.
MARCUS PARKS
Cause you know why? There were no gas stations back then, you fucking idiot, you fucking moron.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm the fucking moron?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, where was it? Where was it? Also who the fuck knows.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Water historians apparently. The most boring people who have ever lived. Yeah, I study water.
BEN KISSEL
It's kinda interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Street water and bottled water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is actually, no it's probably kind of interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Well anyway they fucking bought a bunch of orange soda. Actually Toby bought a six pack of orange soda, Terry bought a gallon of grape soda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
BEN KISSEL
That's not gonna quench the thirst though, it's too much sugar.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know. Maybe their bodies were depleted of sugars. Perhaps their bodies craved it like some people crave salt.
BEN KISSEL
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Now once Terry got back to the Air Force base, he had a temperature of 104 and got checked over by a nurse who found after photographing his seemingly diseased body that there were 124 red spots covering his skin. As is practice for the Air Force when someone shows up looking all weird, they gave him the obligatory once over with the Geiger counter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, see if he's irradiated.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And there was many click click clicks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he was radiation burned.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
From something we don't know. And I know that his wife corroborates this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause they did go to the hospital. He said that was the most embarrassing thing is that him and his buddy, they drove away and it felt kind of scandalicious kind of because they felt weird about what happened. They had no clue what happened.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They obviously felt violated in some way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All fucked up. So he dropped off Toby, they're both like see ya! And then he went home and his wife was like you have to go to the hospital, you're very hot, you're physically very hot and you are pink, you're vividly pink.
MARCUS PARKS
And covered in weird bites, weird, weird bites. Way more.
BEN KISSEL
Why don't we play a game of mushy pig? (snorts)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I'm pretty pink. Wanna play a game of mushy pig? (snorts)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate this. I hate mushy pig.
MARCUS PARKS
I wanna know what mushy pig is.
BEN KISSEL
Get over here, I'll show ya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it is? You look for the hard part. You take a soft old pig and you try to make it hard.
MARCUS PARKS
Ben, how do you play mushy pig?
BEN KISSEL
Mostly cunnilingus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's talking about cunnilingus.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He just doesn't know what else to call it. That's what his mother always called it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I call it mushy pig.
MARCUS PARKS
Well after two days in the hospital going in and out of fever dreams, two men in business suits showed up in Terry's room and introduced themselves as agents of the OSI, the Office of Secret Intelligence which was an actual sub branch of the CIA. They presented Terry with papers to sign that Terry couldn't even read because his eyes were now swollen shut.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my gosh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I just gotta sign this shit? And they're like yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
But after a fair amount of vague threats, they told Terry that if he knew what was good for him he'd never contact Toby ever again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They made him break up with his friend!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's horrible, horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And they also told him never mention to anyone what happened that night at Devil's Den.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Me and Toby were just seeing the stars, there's nothing gay about it! There's nothing gay about it!
BEN KISSEL
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I talked to my old friend who's the gayest straight man I know and he said that it's cool and this is what guys do!
MARCUS PARKS
It's a purely platonic relationship! You can do things with your male friends.
BEN KISSEL
You can, Henry.
MARCUS PARKS
You can go hang out.
BEN KISSEL
You don't have to be so insecure about it.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I texted you at 9PM, Kissel, and was like you want to go to a field and go look at some stars? You don't think it's not gonna be weird?
BEN KISSEL
Well yeah because it's us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because it's us. You can have friends that you do have that relationship with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Henry, you city boys, you don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't like grass.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well afterward Terry was discharged from the hospital and given a 14 day prescription of mystery pills, odd generic capsules, no telling of what was inside. Terry did take the pills for a couple of days but found that he soon couldn't remember even the simplest things, it was obviously scrambling his brain. So after only three doses he flushed the rest. Against the agents' orders, Terry then decided to see Toby. No one's gonna tell me if I can't fucking hang out with my friend or not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's my friend.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Toby was in the middle of an alcoholic spiral.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool. That's a cool friend.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it sounds like his life was absolutely destroyed.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Toby desperately asked if their encounter at Devil's Den had really happened happened.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did it happen, Terry? Did it happen, Terry? Why are our boots different?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And Terry told him yes it did indeed occur. But after he left he never saw Toby again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? Now that I've seen him again, actually I don't want to be friends with him.
BEN KISSEL
No, he's all weird now.
MARCUS PARKS
When Terry returned to work at the Air Force base he was given a task that seems to me like a low level PSYOP. He was told to paint plywood workbenches, then was given the task of sanding the paint off the work benches he just painted.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He did that for two months.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well if he had taken all the pills he would have been fascinated.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah that's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the problem is he didn't take all the pills.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he would never notice.
BEN KISSEL
It is kind of nice to paint and then grind it off. There's something fun about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's just keeping him busy.
BEN KISSEL
Keeping him busy, absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
After those two months Terry was called to OSI headquarters. Although OSI headquarters, I don't know if OSI had a headquarters since it's a sub branch of the CIA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It could just be in some room somewhere in Virginia and then you just have to go through some hall in the Pentagon.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It was a small beige room at the end of a long hallway lined with steel doors. It's a terrifying place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very scary.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
There he waited for hours until his commanding officer finally showed up along with one of the OSI agents who had come to intimidate him in the hospital. And yes I know OSI is a cartoon organization.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, OSI is also-
MARCUS PARKS
It was also very much a real sub branch of the CIA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But there's also the Air Force special investigative unit which is also labeled under the OSI. It depends on how you look at it. Every branch has a group, every branch of the military has basically their own version of both internal affairs because that's what it's all about is investigating from the inside out.
MARCUS PARKS
Eventually Terry was told that he was about to undergo hypnosis with the assistance of medication.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
MK Ultra.
MARCUS PARKS
Somebody needed information. After Terry weekly protested-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. No.
MARCUS PARKS
The other two men were joined by a mysterious figure carrying a small kit in a leather bag.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(German accent) Let us see what is going to happen inside of your mind.
BEN KISSEL
Oh no. No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep, it's always a little secret Nazi.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
MARCUS PARKS
Terry was then injected with an unknown substance and put under hypnosis. Although Terry does maintain that he stayed conscious the entire because he had to have been because he did remember enough to write a whole goddamn chapter in his book about it.
BEN KISSEL
And no way did he just make it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey. Well we know that hypnosis is not necessarily the most reliable way to recount information but it's very interesting what comes up, especially if it's super specific. But I wonder if... Isn't it true, maybe I'm incorrect, but if you do go through hypnosis, you do kind of have subtle memories, right?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know. Because I do know that every time that we've talked about hypnotic sessions like say with the woman, was it Andreasson?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the Andreasson Affair.
MARCUS PARKS
The Andreasson Affair.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Betty Andreasson.
MARCUS PARKS
Betty Hill also went through a fair amount of hypnosis. They always recorded it and the people if I remember when they come out of it, they're like what happened?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, what happened? But they have kind of a vague memory that something did happen to them.
BEN KISSEL
I went through hypnosis and I'm no longer gay. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go have sex with this man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Perfect, Kissel.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really perfect.
MARCUS PARKS
Well from what Terry claims, the CO known henceforth as Brad-
BEN KISSEL
God I hate that. There's something about a Brad CO.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, he's a pain in the fucking H.
BEN KISSEL
You can see the butch haircut, the flattop.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's Jon Hamm from the new Tom Cruise fucking kiss men in space movie.
BEN KISSEL
No, Jon Hamm is too round-faced. I think a Brad, he's got a pinhead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Tight haircut.
MARCUS PARKS
You're thinking you're thinking of Brad Dourif, that's the Brad you're thinking of.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love him.
MARCUS PARKS
Real tight pinhead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I love him.
MARCUS PARKS
Not a pinhead but he's got a thin head, I love Brad Dourif. He's one of my favorites.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna meet him!
MARCUS PARKS
So maybe think of the guy as Brad Dourif, maybe we'll put Brad Dourif in this role as the hypnosis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, let's do it. Cast.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this CO apparently drug things up from Terry's subconscious mind, things either forgotten or repressed, things that Terry maintains were his objective experiences. Terry claims that some combination of the sedation and the half hypnosis opened up his memory. And once he said these things out loud, he claims to have never forgotten them because he fought through the sedation like a fucking teenager taking an Ambien.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I do. That's why I can't take sleeping medications.
MARCUS PARKS
Because you fight through them?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I fight. I rage against the dying light and then I fucking trip balls.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, can't wait til you get on Twitter one fateful night.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You'll see. That's why I just logged out. I literally did that so I'll never have access again.
MARCUS PARKS
Now during the hypnosis session after telling the story all the way up until they arrived at Devil's Den, Terry said that the space people as he called them, they told him and Toby where to go. And after being sedated by the blue light Terry said that they were both taken, although Toby was only taken once for a very long extended session while Terry was taken twice. Apparently they took Terry the first time when he and Toby fell asleep on their initial hike, that's possibly why they fell asleep. Possibly they were sedated by the aliens and that's why Terry woke up feeling so discombobulated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
That time, apparently that wasn't all that bad. The second time, that was when the real work got done.
BEN KISSEL
Uh oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, these aliens, we talked about the trickster side of the phenomena. If this is indeed a thing that does happen, they like to fuck with you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was something about them doing some kind of constant test about how we react to what they do.
MARCUS PARKS
See these space people were the same so-called monkey men from Terry's childhood. And Terry was now realizing, as many people do later on in life, that they've been abducting him for damn near his entire life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes. And he then remembering it realized I think that they were wearing some kind of mask that looked like a monkey. That was one way he interpreted it was that maybe they were wearing something that they felt maybe would make them look more... Because aliens do that too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They shapeshift a lot of times.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's where the idea is to be more comforting, they think it might be more fun for a kid to experience a bunch of monkeys stealing them in the night.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I mean I guess so.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And again, him saying that I fought through the sedation and I remember the half hypnosis and I was abducted my entire life, it stretches the limits of credulity.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's very interesting. The fact that it's hyper specific is very interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. It's hyper specific and it also shares a lot with other alien abductions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And some of the craft that he claimed to have seen matches the craft that we've seen in videos in which we absolutely know that is a UFO.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a thing.
MARCUS PARKS
We do not know what that is. So there's corroboration even if not every single thing in here is true, there is still some corroboration.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We got fucking reality against the fucking ropes!
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Woo!
BEN KISSEL
Rubby dubby.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in those childhood abductions, Terry said he was taken into a sort of flying city 100 times larger than the building-sized craft. It was so large he said that he couldn't see the end of it. It was so big that he had to be shuttled through the thing in golf cart-like conveyances.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like that time we saw Ozzy at Comic-Con.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah, Ozzy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When they put him in that humiliating little cart.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
He got put in a wagon, yeah. To go talk about his new pinball machine.
BEN KISSEL
He's 80 years old.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he just needs a wheelchair. He just needs a metal ass wheelchair.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. They put him in a cart instead.
BEN KISSEL
The cart is fine, it's a great way to travel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's kind of emasculating. He looked like he was a bunch of watermelons.
BEN KISSEL
He is.
MARCUS PARKS
When Terry was a kid, he said that he was actually taken somewhere nice with other children who all played together. And there was a lady there the entire time taking care of them. And Terry remembered the lady fondly. But that doesn't mean that Terry enjoyed it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
He began to realize that they had taken him multiple times during his childhood but made him forget. But they still left an inkling of memory so he would recognize them when he grew up and learn to see them as his quote unquote "space brothers".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
Oh nice.
MARCUS PARKS
But in this, Terry came to think of it as a grooming process with unknown alien goals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Absolutely. Because they're not telling you what their goals are. If this hybrid program is real, we don't know why. They have insinuated many things and various entities have talked about this hybrid program is used to either allow their offspring to be more stable in our reality, there's that one thing, or to seed us with alien DNA that will allow us to evolutionarily grow up, grow past the need for things like nuclear weapons and oil and fake butter.
BEN KISSEL
Oh!
MARCUS PARKS
But when Terry was asked what the monkey men looked like, Terry got a little angry, saying don't be asinine, they looked like monkeys, you fucking moron!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You fucking moron!
BEN KISSEL
All right Terry, let's calm down please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know what I saw!
BEN KISSEL
Oh my.
MARCUS PARKS
And then he said that the monkey faces were actually masks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
And when they took the masks off, they were in fact little gray people with large eyes.
BEN KISSEL
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, it is me, it's always been me, your neighborhood gray. But he said the eyes, it's not as cartoonishly as they've seen, that you see like normally the way Whitley Strieber described them. They actually look more like wraparound sunglasses.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, very cool. Very Guy Fieri.
MARCUS PARKS
Now once Terry and Toby were on the ship, they realized that they were inside the building- sized craft that had appeared above their campsite. Apparently this craft held not only smaller craft like the black diamond they'd seen on the job but an actual support staff made up of 50 or 60 humans, all wearing tan-colored flight suits with orange insignia of rank. And interestingly to this Terry's CO said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Son of a bitch, Terry. You forget about the men in tan flight suits!"
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And that to me, if this is all true, points towards the possibility that the CO might have knowledge of a joint alien government project. And considering how he said son of a bitch-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Son of a bitch!
MARCUS PARKS
He might be on one side of a cold war between a branch of the government that works with aliens and another branch that believes that working with the aliens is a bad idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do we get from it? I don't know. Who benefits? We don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Cui bono!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Sounds like he was just tripping balls at Target.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
We don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
But after walking past the support crew, Terry said that he and Toby saw a long wall of aquariums filled with what he thought at first were swimming puppies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's puppies!
BEN KISSEL
Oh no, puppies can't swim like that though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, when he looked closer they were twitching reptilian creatures with big eyes floating in pink water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're cute to somebody.
BEN KISSEL
Cool. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
As he walked by more aquariums, he saw that some of them housed human-like creatures.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
MARCUS PARKS
One of them turned towards Terry and blinked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wink.
BEN KISSEL
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, how you doing buddy? Hey, hey. Is it lunchtime yet?
BEN KISSEL
Sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
But after that hall of horrors, Terry and Toby were ushered into a steel sort of waiting room, it seemed like steel but it's aliens, who the fuck knows. It was filled with other people. Some of these people were nude, holding their own clothes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe they were going through security at the airport.
BEN KISSEL
Could be. Hello! You're gonna wanna do precheck I guess. Oh man.
MARCUS PARKS
There were however windows and Terry said that they were definitely in space by this point flying near the moon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can see the goddamn moon, it's right there, it's outside the goddamn window.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he looked down at the moon and he saw a city on the surface of the dark side of the moon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking yeah, dude.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pink Floyd was right!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah! And the moon city was populated not only by aliens but also humans who were living and working side by side.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See, we can get along.
BEN KISSEL
I hope so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All we gotta do is learn to fuck.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We gotta find out what hole go what parts.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah bro.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. I bet you it's quite similar to be honest.
MARCUS PARKS
I always wondered that on Star Trek because every alien species seems to be fucking every other alien species.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fun. It's part of the universe propagating its own life.
MARCUS PARKS
I do actually find myself, we watch a lot of Star Trek in my home and I do find myself more often than not just staring at an alien and wondering what the genitals look like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? Cause that's you being American. That's what Americans do.
BEN KISSEL
Every day. This is why if you're a wife out there, never say honey, what you thinking about? Because that's it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, of course. No, no, it's never anything-
BEN KISSEL
Where's the butthole?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's never like thinking how much I love you. No, no, no, it's being like where's the pussy on that?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Does that thing got two buttholes or three? Maybe one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
This was told to Terry, all this shit about the moon city and all that, by a tour guide who was there to help Terry through the experience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Concierge experience.
BEN KISSEL
Not bad.
MARCUS PARKS
But Terry soon realized that his tour guide was the same nice lady who had watched over him during his eight childhood abductions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
Oh very sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She was a half alien, half human. A hybrid. This actually tracks with other abductions we've heard about because hybrids are often used by Grays to take care of abducted children or to be a sort of less freaky liaison for abductees.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well also a lot of times pure humans are used to nurse some of these hybrid babies because according to people that have experienced these types of abduction scenarios, what they have learned conversely through whatever they could figure out is that humans are there to sort of like give compassion to these aliens that don't particularly know how to emote and that they also give milk.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so they go in and a lot of times they're forced to nurse some form of alien hybrid baby that's always gnawing and they always take.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. And I'm sure they have the ability to suckle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that is slight against me?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I think that was a dig against you. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's because I'm too human to suck tit. Not for milk. I only do it for pleasure.
BEN KISSEL
Pleasure.
MARCUS PARKS
Well concerning this hybrid, Terry said he felt a maternal attraction to her. A maternal attraction meaning-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mommy!
MARCUS PARKS
Mommy, yeah. Not a maternal attraction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, not like oh mom's stuck in the washing machine.
BEN KISSEL
Again and again and again.
MARCUS PARKS
And while he did like her, she was still an unsettling creature.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
She eventually gave him a hug. But he said when he looked down into her gown to peek at her breasts, which he said was natural, it was a natural thing, you just naturally do that apparently-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah I used to always do that with my mother. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would do cleave check!
BEN KISSEL
Cleave check!
MARCUS PARKS
Well he was not specific about what he saw but he said what was down that shirt was non human and repulsive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The titties were upside down.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! It's Guado!
MARCUS PARKS
But this hug did calm him down a bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it is nice.
MARCUS PARKS
After the hug though, Terry was somehow back in the tent trying to scream but making no sounds. Seems like it was a bit... You're doing an act out of him screaming but not being able to.
BEN KISSEL
Making no sound. Again, 11 years. It's a podcast. Really good, really good act out.
MARCUS PARKS
Now everything, Terry said, was silent except for the hum of the spaceship. And Toby was no nowhere to be found, presumably he was still on the ship. Another bright light came and Terry was back in the ship in that room with all the other humans being undressed by the Grays.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you remember the Coronado group abduction?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where it was like the one guy, it was the poor dude that was just the mark of the aliens and that one guy who was abducted with that other guy. And he just sat there watching as they were shoving stuff up his penis and him going ah! Screaming.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Meanwhile the other aliens are like, 'Your guy is really struggling over there. He seems to not really be enjoying this.' Meanwhile he wasn't probed.
MARCUS PARKS
No, not at all. After Terry was undressed, he was taken to a white room where he was laid down on the telltale alien experimentation table alongside Toby. I think he was next to Toby. It's hard to follow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, there's some dream logic here. We'll see what's here.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But yeah, if I saw the table I'd be like no fucking way. Is that... Wait a second, is that the alien abduction probe table?
BEN KISSEL
That's the milking table.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, I've been gaping all day.
MARCUS PARKS
His body went limp as multiple aliens did the bidding of the boss alien, the one as you said that was a little more official who was insect-like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Terry also said that the smaller aliens were almost robots, worker bees. And that tracks with what we've heard about Grays in other abduction scenarios, the different classifications.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
The small Grays some theorize might be robots.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do learn here.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
The examination then came where the aliens drew blood from Terry and Toby's body and of course used a machine that was put over their genitals to suck the sperm from their bodies painfully and humiliatingly as both Terry and Toby screamed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(screaming) Because they do, it makes you so hard that it hurts and then you're coming against your will.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh, it's not good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah because you're coming through a flaccid penis which can't be fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean sometimes but it's only just because you've been spending all day sitting thinking about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
How would that even work?
MARCUS PARKS
Wait a second, what?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you can come through a flaccid penis.
MARCUS PARKS
What are you talking about? No.
BEN KISSEL
No, I don't think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah you can, absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
I guess you can if you're one of those guys that comes when they're just touched.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It goes back and forth. It depends on how long you've been going at it.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
BEN KISSEL
I guess so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, am I an alien? Is that what you're saying is that I'm some kind of alien?
BEN KISSEL
Well the guy that comes 100 times a day, his name is Dale Decker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. His life's a living hell.
BEN KISSEL
Why don't they just abduct Dale Decker? He'll give them all the come they need.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have extra come ready!
MARCUS PARKS
Well from what Terry said, the demeanor of the tallest alien, the insect-like alien, the one who was directing the semen sucking and the bloodsucking, his demeanor was hey, nothing personal guys, just doing my job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just doing my fucking job.
MARCUS PARKS
Just doing my job.
BEN KISSEL
Just doing your job, absolutely. Also just a quick quote here from Dale Decker, another man that needs to be abducted. Imagine being on your knees at your father's funeral beside his casket saying goodbye to him and then you have nine orgasms right there while your whole family is standing behind you. They gotta get Dale Decker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what Prince Harry used to do.
MARCUS PARKS
Well basically this is the old trope of experimentation reversed. These are aliens dispassionately trying to learn about our anatomy through experimentation just as we do with lower life forms here on planet Earth.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
And like humans who don't enjoy the sound of monkeys screaming-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We hate it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The aliens got annoyed when Terry screamed. And he told Terry come on, you know us. You know you're not going to remember this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
Relax, relax.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he said if you're not gonna remember, why should you scream?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why you gotta scream all the time? Screaming like we haven't done this countless times to you.
BEN KISSEL
They should have a little statue of human beings then thanking us for all of the scientific research they do on us like they have with the little mouse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. No, there's definitely a statue somewhere in Alpha Centauri to all the humans we've drained.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Then the alien touched Terry's temple and all went black. Next thing Terry knew he and Toby were back at the campsite. But because the beaming crew screwed up, they were about 20 ft away from their tent.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh shit.
BEN KISSEL
Oh come on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We gotta get back, shift's over.
MARCUS PARKS
They were laying on the ground next to their cars, so the aliens had to come in and manually carry them back to the tent.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. That's gotta be difficult for them.
BEN KISSEL
They're just like us, aren't they?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And that's where we rejoin the story with Terry aching and Toby on his knees crying over what had just been done to both of them. The ship rose up in the air like a hot air balloon and that was that. Back at the hypnosis session though, the CO, after Terry spilled the beans, he was trying to make Terry forget that anything had ever happened. He said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Okay, listen. You and Toby, you went on a camping trip to Devil's Den and it was a horrible trip. You hated it. You both were bug bitten, you were sick. That's all over now, right. All you will remember is our pleasant chat about camping. There's nothing on the moon but rocks. There is nothing on the moon but rocks! You forget about the tiny woman who was kind to you, everything you saw or heard at Devil's Den you will forget. That's it!"
BEN KISSEL
Wow, talk about middle manager Brad. All right, fine.
MARCUS PARKS
After that Terry did indeed try to forget. He told nobody about his experience save for his wife for many years. But even then things came back in flashes. In 1987 Terry and his wife were out Christmas shopping when Terry had a panic attack after seeing the cover of a book that showed an illustration of an alien gray.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whitley Strieber's 'Communion'. It set off thousands of people.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It was the first time that he'd ever seen the representation of the alien gray.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
And of course his specific so-called monkey men. Terry also had missing time incidents like when he went out for a ride on his hog when he suddenly found himself on a gravel road which he never rode on because it damaged the paint on his bike. When he arrived home he found that he was two hours late, two hours missing time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His wife was freaking out and called the cops and shit. It's like two hours late, that's not that long. Not in 1989.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's fine.
MARCUS PARKS
You know when someone's out on a motorcycle, you worry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You do.
MARCUS PARKS
You worry a lot. Sheila however was all in when it came to the encounters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's a good wife.
MARCUS PARKS
That's a great wife. Whenever Terry talked with her about it he had nightmares in which he'd wake up screaming. But one night Sheila said she woke up and saw a 3 ft tall woman standing at the edge of their bed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Zelda Rubinstein!
BEN KISSEL
Wow!
MARCUS PARKS
The 3 footer told Sheila, 'Go back to sleep.'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go back to sleep.
BEN KISSEL
No problem.
MARCUS PARKS
And she did.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
But after the alien implant we discussed at the beginning of this episode was discovered, high strangeness slowly began to seep back into Terry Lovelace's life starting in 2016. That year Terry mysteriously started losing weight, dropping from 240 lbs to 150, baffling doctors.
BEN KISSEL
Was it cancer?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does sound like cancer, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
No it baffled doctors.
BEN KISSEL
Oh baffled doctors.
MARCUS PARKS
Because they thought oh, this dude's definitely got cancer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got cancer!
BEN KISSEL
But they were baffled.
MARCUS PARKS
But he didn't. And this prompted Terry to tell everything he knew and he even tried reaching out to Toby to corroborate his story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wonder what Toby's up to.
MARCUS PARKS
Toby's dead.
BEN KISSEL
Toby died.
MARCUS PARKS
Toby died.
BEN KISSEL
What happened with Toby?
MARCUS PARKS
Alcoholism.
BEN KISSEL
Was it suicide then? Or was it...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Alcoholism is long suicide.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah but sometimes you get drunk, you pop yourself in the head, something like that or was it just-
MARCUS PARKS
No, he just drank enough to kill himself.
BEN KISSEL
Cirrhosis of the liver.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, something like that. You can kill yourself with drinking in all manner of ways. It doesn't have to just be cirrhosis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My father's father and his grandfather died of alcoholism.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
That's why your dad thought he was going to be dead but he's never going to die.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he's crushing it.
MARCUS PARKS
Now by 2017 Terry had decided to take his show on the road, telling his tale at various UFO conferences around America. He did the circuit before he wrote the book which I give him credit for.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Same. True.
MARCUS PARKS
But about a month after a talk at a conference in Houston, Terry woke up in the middle of the night sweating.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
Sitting directly across from him was what appeared to be a 4 ft tall Asiatic woman wearing oversized sunglasses that obscured her large almond-shaped eyes and part of her face. Around her throat was a red scarf that hit her pencil thin neck but otherwise she was a Woman in Black.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hear that girls? You can torment ufologists as well.
BEN KISSEL
Very cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Isn't that cool? There's a whole book. One day we'll cover all of Women in Black cause there's many of them.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Remember Freddie Classy Blassie? He would call people he didn't like pencil necks.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh, I love pencil neck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I like pencil neck. I like four eyes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah four eyes. That's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a good one.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now like many people in black she wore a wig, an outdated jet black number sitting slightly askew on the top of her head.
BEN KISSEL
Is this right? Did I put it on right? Hey Harriet, Harriet! Is it on right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(rasping) Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
From what Terry said the wig was reminiscent of Betty Rubble from The Flintstones and so he called her Betty. But his immediate thought upon seeing the PIB was quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"That wig looks ridiculous."
BEN KISSEL
That's what's so crazy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That wig, I can't believe. No netting?
MARCUS PARKS
However Betty, as she will henceforth be called, she responded telepathically by asking:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So, you don't like my hair? It's the same.
MARCUS PARKS
And when Terry asked the same as what? She responded:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(rasping) The same as the last time we met.
BEN KISSEL
Who! That's scary!
MARCUS PARKS
She told him that yes, she was the hybrid he'd been seeing his entire life, the one who took care of him as a child and the one who gave him the tour of the ship before they sucked out all of his blood and come.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you remember when we sucked out your blood and all of you come?
BEN KISSEL
I do, yes. That's kind of why I'm traumatized.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
She then said that he would not be taken that night nor would there be any more examinations ever. Then she removed her sunglasses to reveal large, but not alien gray large, black eyes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. But still she's like freaky? This freaking you out?
BEN KISSEL
Whoa, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Once she looked appropriately scary, Betty told Terry that his public discourses that he'd been giving UFO conferences about his experiences, these were worrisome to both Terry's government and her quote unquote "hosts".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Adding that the things he saw were crucial to their shared shadowy agenda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are we getting out of the government alien fucking combination? What are we getting?
BEN KISSEL
What are we getting?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me know!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. What are they getting more importantly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are they getting?
MARCUS PARKS
That's what I want to know.
BEN KISSEL
More streaming services.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god!
BEN KISSEL
I love 'em.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you ready for Disney Discovery Netflix Amazon Plus?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yay!
BEN KISSEL
I can't wait.
MARCUS PARKS
Terry asked about the implant next, asking how many people have been tagged in the same way Terry had been tagged with the metal object in his knee. She said thousands over three generations. She said that the implants do indeed serve a purpose but cause no harm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Could be a locator tag.
MARCUS PARKS
Could be. Or it just could be some sort of, what do they call them? Like a Fitbit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we got you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's just sending back information.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They scoop you up once they read your come levels are at a certain mark and that's how they know to come squeeze ya.
MARCUS PARKS
That's how they know to come back.
BEN KISSEL
Interesting. Like an oil check almost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But since the aliens nor Terry's government would allow Terry to remove it by himself lest scientists discover its purpose-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because he did get use of his leg back but he left the implant in. Because now there's a lot of kind of criticism of like why didn't you take the implant out? And he was like because the aliens said no.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Don't do it. Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
The aliens said we'll do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
I hope he has alien insurance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, that's actually the most scariest thing of all is the bill afterwards.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have to fight. You always have to fight.
BEN KISSEL
Them too?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not necessary to remove it.
BEN KISSEL
Please. Oh it's an optional surgery?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's an optional surgery.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's cosmetic?
MARCUS PARKS
Terry then asked why the government would try to stop him from removing the implant but while she did not reply verbally, she nodded and a graphic replay of not two but four alien encounters played out in Terry's brain. While two of these encounters were shared in Terry's book 'The Devil's Den', the third, Betty said, was just for him and his wife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh, that's nice.
BEN KISSEL
That's nice.
MARCUS PARKS
The fourth though was beyond Terry's understanding. Apparently there will be a full discourse on accounts three and four after Terry's death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Then we'll get 'em!
BEN KISSEL
Oh all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Show me the corpse!
BEN KISSEL
Sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
Soon after, Terry woke up with pain in both of his knees and dark bruises showed on his legs. He soon got another X-ray but found that the metal implants were gone and all that was left were too small wires serving an unknown purpose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Absolutely incredible, very fascinating. I love this story.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please, if you've ever experienced getting an implant, email sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com because I'd love to know if you went through the process of getting it removed, if you went through it. Because it is really interesting. It comes up quite a bit in these stories and people have found chunks of weird garbage in people and we don't know where it comes from.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why I find this story very interesting and again from a reputable source that waited until he was no longer a high powered lawyer to tell it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
This is like his retirement present to himself was fooling a bunch of fucking dumpy UFO people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was. Incredible, I can't wait to do it myself.
BEN KISSEL
Well have fun with it. Also on a side note the D character here again, Dale Decker. So what happened is he suffers from persistent genital arousal syndrome after a disc slipped in his back, he just started coming.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You gotta be careful, dude. Wear a back brace.
BEN KISSEL
So apparently it had something to do with a disc slip.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh god.
BEN KISSEL
And then he was on the way to the hospital and then he just started coming a whole bunch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God. This is the real horror.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the real true story that we should be covering.
BEN KISSEL
He and his wife have to sleep in separate beds, he comes so much.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh. My god.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna tell Natalie she's got it easy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna tell my wife the same thing. At least I'm not coming constantly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Coming all the time!
MARCUS PARKS
And screaming about it.
BEN KISSEL
Oh lord.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we're currently in Amsterdam, aren't we?
MARCUS PARKS
Currently .I believe so I mean technically me and you are in New York City and Ben's in Los Angeles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
MARCUS PARKS
But we're also currently in Amsterdam.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We are currently in Amsterdam and I just want to say gutentag and danke. Right?
MARCUS PARKS
Both of those are German words. Those are German greetings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Things are gonna be fine over there.
MARCUS PARKS
You just said good day and thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Things have already been fine since we've been in Europe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
In Amsterdam 600,000 people, they speak Dutch. That's all the amount of people that speak Dutch is 600,000.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What, that's it?
BEN KISSEL
I think so. Anyway I heard that one time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we're fucked.
BEN KISSEL
No, I think that is true. I do think it's true. But again don't worry everyone, you're doing better than Terry, you're doing better than Toby, and you're doing better than Dale Decker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. You are, you really are.
BEN KISSEL
That's all that matters. And yes, it's been fantastic here in Amsterdam. Henry did something really funny where he drank so much he fell in a moat which was pretty great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes, I'm still getting the much off me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yep. And then Marcus was kicked out of the Heineken factory for just really falling in love there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We love Heineken.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I love green bottles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everybody says that about Marcus, he's famous for loving Heineken.
BEN KISSEL
And as the new leader of Amsterdam, I promise to spread the wealth around.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Hell yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you guys, we'll see you soon. Can't wait. Next week we're getting creepy.
BEN KISSEL
Oh this was kind of creepy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're getting even more creepy.
BEN KISSEL
Oh even more creepy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we're covering phantom coming syndrome.
BEN KISSEL
I know, that was interesting. All right, everyone. Hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail me! And dag! That's goodbye in Dutch.
MARCUS PARKS
Dag.
BEN KISSEL
Dag!
MARCUS PARKS
Dag.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dag.
BEN KISSEL
Dag? Well that's nice.