BEN KISSEL
Start.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Start.
BEN KISSEL
Start the show.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We talked about this, we were doing a little call this week. We're all like even our Relaxed Fits kind of tense.
MARCUS PARKS
They're just episodes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, more like relaxed don't fit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's more of a story of our bodies.
BEN KISSEL
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
They're just episodes. I just started writing full scripts for Relaxed Fit episodes.
BEN KISSEL
Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
They were supposed to be Relaxed Fit but then we started writing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we work hard and we want to give good content to our hungry audience.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're hungry.
MARCUS PARKS
Hungry eyes.
BEN KISSEL
Marcus' pants are too big.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We got a big series coming up next week, right. We got a big series coming up then another series coming up and then and even bigger series are in the works for us. So we're like why don't we actually be chill?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Say we're gonna be chill.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then be that chill.
BEN KISSEL
It doesn't sound like you're actually being chill. It sounds like you're saying you want to be chill but you're not being chill, you're just telling everyone... You're almost apologizing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's called 39, being 39 years old, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like that is the essential nature of making it to a certain point in show business where it is a constant apology.
BEN KISSEL
All right. Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, everyone. Ben hanging out with Henry and Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Hi.
BEN KISSEL
Today's episode, it's gonna be a smattering of the news that you can use to lose your family this dinnertime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
So have fun with it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly you did string a bunch of words together.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And in the end it does form a sentence.
BEN KISSEL
Indeed it did. These are stories that you can lose...use to lose your family during the dinnertime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we wanted to do like a smattering, something like Side Stories because you've all been like, how many times I've gotten these messages being like Side Stories needs Marcus' direction.
BEN KISSEL
Burn. I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just like well guess what, man? We're here to find out today what the fuck that's like. And guess what, man? It might be garbage.
MARCUS PARKS
It might be.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it could be. Also I'm gonna hijack this show immediately. Did you see Shawn Kemp was arrested?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For what?
BEN KISSEL
Drive by shooting!
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What the fuck?
BEN KISSEL
Fucking basketball player!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do you think, so from the free throw line or...?
BEN KISSEL
From his car!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it wasn't a basketball?
BEN KISSEL
It was a bullet!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was it a big bullet?
BEN KISSEL
It was a normal bullet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was it like a big bouncing giant rubber bullet?
BEN KISSEL
Remember Shawn Kemp?
MARCUS PARKS
I do, of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, of course.
BEN KISSEL
He would dunk, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Number 40, Seattle Supersonics.
BEN KISSEL
And he had a bunch of kids, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's like 24 kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's great. Yeah, he loved to come.
BEN KISSEL
And apparently now he's just driving around Washington shooting people in his car.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. So he stayed in Washington after the Supersonics, huh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's the big news there.
BEN KISSEL
I guess so. He last played for the Orlando Magic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait, lemme look this up.
BEN KISSEL
It's madness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do you mean? Is he currently attacking people?
BEN KISSEL
In his car. He's doing drive-bys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Allegedly or convicted?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
BEN KISSEL
Well he has been arrested.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has been arrested.
BEN KISSEL
Washington on Wednesday, felony charge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This just comes from-
BEN KISSEL
A drive by shooting.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is really strange honestly. I'm looking at this now.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that nuts?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They said that he shot up a shopping mall, shooting...
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is he doing?!
BEN KISSEL
He got mad at the shopping mall.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do it every day, I get mad at the shopping mall. Mostly for tempting me.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, you can just see him though throwing the little grapes into his cart, being like I got lead in there, you know, having fun with it. Anyway that was my story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great, thank you for your contribution.
BEN KISSEL
Shawn Kemp!
MARCUS PARKS
That was great cause I remember when we were talking about doing this episode, we were talking about yeah, we're getting some stories. And you know what Ben said? He said you know what, Marcus? I'm gonna help you. He said I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna look for stories and I'm going to contribute to this episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did, he did it five minutes before.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's contributing by helping derail what would have been the beginning and opening, a smooth opening to a show.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I had a segue that came from your sentence that you put together.
BEN KISSEL
Great!
MARCUS PARKS
And I can continue that if you'd like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I'm looking into this.
BEN KISSEL
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is according to NBC News, videos appearing to capture parts of the altercation, a man in a red jacket, Santa Claus possibly, I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know where he's been. It's a little early for him. He's off.
MARCUS PARKS
Allegedly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Allegedly.
BEN KISSEL
Allegedly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He can be seen at one point appearing to argue with another person as the other person begins to pull away in their vehicle, the person in the red jacket begins to point at them as sirens sound. The person in red could be seeing to raise their arm before what sounds like a gunshot rings out. It sounds like it was Shawn Kemp who was dressed up like Santa Claus and what he was delivering to the mall was chaos.
BEN KISSEL
Well perhaps Shawn Kemp also has his own cannabis line. So you're gonna want to check that out.
MARCUS PARKS
Isn't that great?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, thank you. Good plug.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, thank you.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Great.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Smoke all you want.
BEN KISSEL
So that's a little sports news.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why is he getting in a fight at the mall? What is this, fucking The Lost Boys?
BEN KISSEL
People get in fights and malls all the time.
MARCUS PARKS
All the time.
BEN KISSEL
It's just as hostile as it always was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why? Because you go to the engraving store and it turns out the thing you wanted to buy for your stupid ass grandfather costs like $75 and he's just going to throw it into some box and it's gonna end up in the bottom of his fucking casket?
BEN KISSEL
Well yeah, that might be part of it. I think the walking, the parking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Just the overall pressure of being around children. And you're never at the mall during a time of peace. You're always late to get a gift so you can't get it online because it's gonna take too long to get delivered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean this is definitely more of a single father version of the mall.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's what... Have you been to a mall lately?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's where I used to walk, that's where you get my steps in.
BEN KISSEL
That's what my grandma used to do with my mom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, buddy. And so do sometimes goth daddies as well.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because sometimes you have to go get your steps in a place that's nice and air conditioned because 118 degrees outside-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're sick of being in your own home because you're waiting for all the auditions to come in and they're not coming in.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is from back in the day, this is when I used to do pilot season.
BEN KISSEL
Right. Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And of course if you're going to the mall and it's not crowded, then you're just reminded of the slow disintegration of the America that you knew as a child.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the thing.
BEN KISSEL
True.
MARCUS PARKS
That is no longer there and will never come back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And all the George Romero-esque style subliminal cultural implications of the mall.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh, the best.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And what that's like. And you're like am I just another cog in the goddamn capitalist machine?
BEN KISSEL
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's like yes. And thank you for my new sneakers.
BEN KISSEL
Indeed, enjoy the mall. Bring them back. New Jersey still has some malls and let's not forget our shirts are in Hot Topic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Los Angeles. No, they are not.
BEN KISSEL
They were.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's incorrect.
MARCUS PARKS
They were years ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also two of the biggest malls in the world are in Los Angeles. The city that you are currently in.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Americana and The Grove. Like the most famous iconic malls of malls are here.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
No, New Jersey is the home of the mall.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You are absolutely, in a term that I cannot use, incorrect.
BEN KISSEL
No way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh you're gonna get a lot of messages on that, buddy.
MARCUS PARKS
Indeed. A lot of people defending the malls.
BEN KISSEL
New Jersey is the home of the malls.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You all know that... Whatever. We're gonna get... Whoa!
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. Fine, whatever.
BEN KISSEL
Shawn Kemp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Entertain him.
MARCUS PARKS
Shawn Kemp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Fuck!
BEN KISSEL
Marcus, just go with this segue.
MARCUS PARKS
Well if we're gonna use-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're supposed to be relaxed!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, you are really not relaxed.
MARCUS PARKS
If you're gonna use the news to lose your family at dinnertime-
BEN KISSEL
There you go.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what? There's not much you can do better than bringing up mentally ill inmates getting executed in Texas.
BEN KISSEL
You don't know my family.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes though that does elicit a group of high fives. It depends on the Thanksgiving.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that is true. The April execution of one of Texas' quote unquote "most mentally ill" prisoners was delayed Tuesday by a judge due to concerns surrounding the man's mental state.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It gets very, very interesting here. Andre Thomas, 39, was set to be executed on April 5th for the March 2004 stabbing deaths of his estranged wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, they couldn't keep the marriage together?
BEN KISSEL
You know what I hear when I hear stabbing death? Hello, Twitter world. All I hear is OJ Simpson saying Hello, Twitter world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He also murdered their 4 year old son and Boren's 13 month old daughter. The associated press reported Thomas cut the two children's hearts out of their chests.
BEN KISSEL
Well maybe there was an indication he might not be mentally well then.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do think that that put him in the runnings for most mentally ill patient in Texas.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Most mentally ill prisoner in Texas. But now it seems like he's really trying to put a hat on a hat.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he later told police that god instructed him to commit the killings and that he thought all three of his victims were demons. He subsequently on death row gouged each of his eyes out on two separate occasions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is what I'm saying.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like we don't need to go this far, right. This is like now we're in the weeds here. Like we get it.
BEN KISSEL
You think that he went too far.
MARCUS PARKS
Into the weeds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We know you're sick.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because the first thing is that he popped one eye out, right. He popped one eye out and so now he's permanently flirting, he's always winking. Which is again if you wanted less attention, that's not how you get it.
BEN KISSEL
I love the old Sammy Davis Jr surgery.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he at least got an orb put in there to hold up the fucking structure where this guy, he just let that fly. And then he popped out the second eyeball. And when you look at the picture now with no eyeballs, weirdly, he did a really clean job.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's an empty ass socket.
BEN KISSEL
Well I mean he probably had those nails that are little scalpels. You know, people who don't bite their nails neurotically like I do or Lebron James.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And I think he probably got a good clean scoop out of it. I'm just surprised Texas didn't let him off when he told them that god told him to gut these kids and take out their heart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd be like no way!
BEN KISSEL
Because in Texas they'd be like god told you? You're free to go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's incredible! You know honestly if you had just done that about, because it was 13 months, right? If he had just done that like 14 months earlier, he'd be a liberal hero.
BEN KISSEL
There you go. All right. Save it for the Comedy Mothership. Save it for the Comedy Mothership.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that second eye, he didn't just pop it out, he also ate it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
No.
MARCUS PARKS
To make sure that the government couldn't hear his thoughts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a fucking try hard hack.
BEN KISSEL
Wait, hold on a second.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because people call me a try hard hack.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's something else, all right. Because that's his version of my bad Bill Clinton impression.
BEN KISSEL
I don't think I've heard your bad Bill Clinton.
MARCUS PARKS
You heard it in-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel your pain. I feel your pain.
BEN KISSEL
That's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I did not have sex with that woman!
BEN KISSEL
With that woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I did it like three weeks ago.
MARCUS PARKS
It was six weeks ago that he did it, right in this very room right in front of you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? I'm just gonna need a little room in this marriage, Hillary.
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Save it for when we're in Austin, okay? So he took his eye out, ate it, so that the government couldn't hear his thoughts.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But it's not the right thing. He should have taken his ear. I don't know how you rip your ears out.
MARCUS PARKS
No, the bug, the bug is inside the eyeball.
BEN KISSEL
Like Total Recall.
MARCUS PARKS
That's What he was thinking. Yeah, it's like Total Recall. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is my thing, right. Like I get it, this guy's not doing great.
MARCUS PARKS
Not doing great. Was never doing great.
BEN KISSEL
What are you talking about? Three squares a day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, yeah. Three hots in the cot, he's loving life. But I wonder like at what level... Okay, let me throw this out here.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why don't we just make shit up? Right?
BEN KISSEL
What do you mean?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know he is fully obviously-
MARCUS PARKS
Are you asking at one point is a mentally ill person just making shit up?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! No, no, no. Not in general. This man, I'm just saying-
Okay. Now I'm not a doctor. So you say you're schizophrenic. Now have you thought you're just making shit up?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You ever just think that maybe you have a series of characters you need to express onto a podcast?
MARCUS PARKS
Now I'm thinking that we don't really need all of these mental asylums and we can just put them out on the street-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Put them on the street!
MARCUS PARKS
Because eventually they're going to stop making shit up.
It's improv everywhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Less asylums and more carnivals.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We put them in a carnival.
BEN KISSEL
Great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I'm saying like once you're in jail, maybe I'm wrong. Do they not, for that style of crime, don't they pump you full of meds? Don't they literally-
BEN KISSEL
I don't think the state of Texas is taking care of them.
MARCUS PARKS
They're really not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. They don't just zombify you? Literally, I know that that's ridiculous. I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean honestly I would imagine if we're going with the treatment of Texas prisoners, their hope was probably to lock him in a concrete square until he beat his head against the wall so much it killed him.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then why are they making such a big deal if he's already doing it halfway, if he's already got rid of 10% of his head?
MARCUS PARKS
They're not making a big deal out of it. The state of Texas isn't making a big deal out of it. His lawyers are making a big deal out of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As they should.
MARCUS PARKS
Because the lawyers are saying that this man is too mentally ill to be executed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's deeply ill. Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Because in Texas, if you remember, I don't know if you guys remember this from when we were in high school I think, Texas, they... Well at the time it was we, executed the mentally challenged man-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Handicapped, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
For killing the woman with a pair of scissors.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. Texas has a great history of killing people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So yeah. But his crimes were so extreme that they don't really know how to handle him otherwise, right? Like it's at the other side where they got him in a concrete square now and his crimes were horrible and now he's doing extra shit. But it does begin to feel like so what do you do with a girl like this guy? Like what do you do with this guy?
BEN KISSEL
With a gal like this? I say let bygones be bygones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What does that even mean? We're just saying weird platitudes.
BEN KISSEL
I'm against the death penalty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, we're all against the death penalty.
MARCUS PARKS
We're all against the death penalty, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So I would say he should just probably just chill out.
MARCUS PARKS
He should just chill out.
BEN KISSEL
I would just say buddy-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's my thing, chillax. You know what he needs?
BEN KISSEL
You're gonna need to chill out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You're gonna need to chill.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what he needs? Fernando, you know what he really really needs next time is-
BEN KISSEL
Please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(relaxing music plays) Let's say you're in your home-
BEN KISSEL
This may actually drive him insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, you believe that the US government is listening to you through your eyeballs? And I'm gonna say right now, honestly, you're not wrong.
BEN KISSEL
They are. No, they are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're definitely doing it. What I say is flip it into content because you never know these governments, they could ship you money if you've got an incredible idea.
BEN KISSEL
And they need to laugh too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They've gotta laugh too. Think about the NSA.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They listen to our phone calls for hours and hours of such boring horseshit.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And now the NSA isn't even the tip of the spear when it comes to surveillance. There's another secret government agency that we don't even talk about.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was it the DID?
BEN KISSEL
The BYWO.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's the BYWO.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. The WAWA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's the ASPCA.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's the YMCA. And if you go over there, man, you've got to give the come.
BEN KISSEL
So he's gouged his eyes out.
MARCUS PARKS
He's gouged his eyes out, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And now the lawyers are saying he's too crazy to be executed?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
And what's the stance on Texas?
MARCUS PARKS
Right now Texas is saying you don't know what we know. Texas is actually saying he's making it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh so they are doing my joke response. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They're doing your bit, the joke response that you had. Texas is saying you don't have all the information, we have all the information, he's making it up. They're saying that he is well aware that he's going to be executed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is.
BEN KISSEL
He is.
MARCUS PARKS
And because he is well aware that he is going to be executed-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's trying to get out of it.
MARCUS PARKS
It therefore makes him open for execution. You can execute him. If he didn't know he was getting executed, then maybe they'd think about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why don't they tell him he's not getting executed, wait, see how he behaves, then just sock him in the night. Just get him real fast. I know that it's supposed to be like... I actually would prefer to not know.
BEN KISSEL
Well yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like if I was on death row, I would prefer to not know when my exact day was. And you just come get me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It could be an hour, it could be 30 years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, just come get me. What am I supposed to do? It'll be too late and then I don't have to think about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know. That's so much scarier.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it is a lot scarier.
BEN KISSEL
I mean I can see both points.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wouldn't be able to sleep.
BEN KISSEL
No, you couldn't sleep on death row.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, you can because you slept on a 17 hour flight to fucking Australia in a fucking chair that was three sizes too small like it was the Grinch's heart.
BEN KISSEL
And that's just like death row. For everyone suffering on death row, I know your pain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He knows your pain.
BEN KISSEL
I had to fly. But this is my question. You say he ate the eyeball. Mr. Zebrowski, what do you think that tastes like?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It tastes like pure delicious fat.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh.
BEN KISSEL
So you think he enjoyed it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, sure.
BEN KISSEL
Did he mix it with anything? Did he mix it with the meatloaf that they get?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well when I had mine it was broiled, so it actually was good. The fat was caramelized.
MARCUS PARKS
I see. Yeah, I would imagine with this it was just a straight like gouge out, pop it out, eat it. Because at that point you're popping it out in order to eat it.
BEN KISSEL
You think he was hungry?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
No. I think he just didn't know how else to handle it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did it for the lulz, all right? He did it because they were all cheering him on to be #savage.
MARCUS PARKS
He certainly had his own internal logic which none of us will ever understand.
BEN KISSEL
Maybe he's the Bill Maher people in solitary because Bill Maher's new thing is he's not in it for the likes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he is too real. He should be called Too Real and not me.
BEN KISSEL
He is too real. All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Sounds like he's about to start telling it how it is.
Really, I'm saying it, you're thinking it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I will say straight up, eyeballs don't taste nearly as bad as you think that they would. They're just way more frightening.
BEN KISSEL
You got sick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was just because I think the fat content of the eyeball and how much liquid fat I consumed up until that point.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then all of it shot out of me, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I would say it's more fair to say he got ill than sick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ill, like a rap illness.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. All right, so there we go. Great story, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you very much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a horrible story.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, no, thank you. You want to hear another one?
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
This one's actually a little bit more, it's a little nicer.
BEN KISSEL
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
It has a happy ending at the very least.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh.
BEN KISSEL
Ooh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like when you say that that actually means it could be much worse.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no. It is a happy ending kind of.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
At the very least someone avoided jail.
BEN KISSEL
Well let's see what Marcus thinks a happy ending is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it will be interesting to see how he thinks him and Carolina will end.
MARCUS PARKS
Police in Hanover, Ontario have ended their investigation into a man who tried to give a young person a box of chocolates-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, all right.
MARCUS PARKS
After determining he was participating in Random Acts of Kindness Day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is just... Random Acts of Kindness Day just sounds like a great front for you to do whatever weird shit crosses your mind.
BEN KISSEL
Wait a second. So this is like a Forrest Gump crime but it's not a crime.
It's not a crime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just sharing chocolates, there's no reason for people to be concerned because the chocolates are supposed to serve to teach a life lesson.
BEN KISSEL
You're under arrest, that's a fucking felony. That's soliciting chocolate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I met the president, I drank 17 Dr. Pepper.
BEN KISSEL
You're under arrest for being a fucking asshole.
Well in a media release issued on Friday, Hanover Police said they were investigating a quote "suspicious older male" who reportedly pulled over-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
C'mere, c'mere, c'mere.
And approached a youth walking home from school on Wednesday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, c'mere, c'mere, c'mere. You ever see an old man sweat?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Okay. I can see why this would be an interesting scenario to investigate.
He's a man with gray hair, he's got a big, bushy gray beard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Santa Claus.
He's merely approaching a young boy walking home from school alone and trying to shove a box of Pot of Gold chocolates in his face.
BEN KISSEL
Well you know...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a very Canadian crime just on the whole.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just the investigation, being like we went down there and we gave them a stern talking to and then we really found out he's actually kind of a nice guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're just excited by it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, sure, but it's the way one goes about this.
BEN KISSEL
Well he took it really literally. It seems hyper random. And to be fair-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A full box of chocolates is something you give on Valentine's Day to someone you're trying to have sex with.
BEN KISSEL
Right. I don't know, there's something about the heat of his car...
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't really want that chocolate.
MARCUS PARKS
Well when the student declined, when this boy declined as he should have, you don't take candy from strange old men with beards-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very smart, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
The man insisted saying the boy could give the chocolates to his mother. Which that's the thing, it's the pushing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Give them to your mother. C'mere, c'mere, c'mere. Give this to your fucking mother.
MARCUS PARKS
Take it. Fucking take it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Take it. Take it.
BEN KISSEL
Dude, it's like what's that one video? The one dude on that airline. Shake my hand! Shake my hand!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shake my hand!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
He's yelling at this Jewish dude, he's like shake my hand!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it was very aggressive, random act of kindness.
BEN KISSEL
Kind of.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's the roll up, it's the insistence, it's the... Is he being forced by some form, is he being kidnapped or being blackmailed to be kind? That kind of sounds like it too.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like they have his wife with a gun to her head and he's gotta go-
BEN KISSEL
Get rid of these chocolates.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta, yeah, be kind.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Five times.
MARCUS PARKS
Have to convince a child to take a box of chocolates. Tick tock, tick tock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tick tock, tick tock.
BEN KISSEL
Do we know was the chocolate box open? Cause I could see this guy having a couple for himself.
MARCUS PARKS
No word on the condition of the box of chocolates, I can tell you the type of car he was driving. He was driving a black Volkswagen Tiguan.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know what that car is. I've never heard of that car in my fucking life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What's a Volkswagen Tiguan?
MARCUS PARKS
It's an SUV, they're actually very nice.
BEN KISSEL
Is that right? Maybe I've been in one then.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, that is nice. That is nice. That's a nice Tiguan, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a nice car.
BEN KISSEL
But it also looks like you're about to have a bunch of duct tape around your mouth and handcuffs on your arms and get shoved into the back of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I see this as it's actually a really smart move for a child molester to get a car like that because it looks like a harmless mom car. Like it's kind of the opposite of a van, it looks like a RAV4. Oh no crimes happen in that except sometimes being late for baseball practice.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then a lot of times the reason they missed the baseball practice was because everybody get a molest.
BEN KISSEL
Very good, Henry. Very creative.
MARCUS PARKS
Very good, very good.
BEN KISSEL
Very creative.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm relaxed today.
BEN KISSEL
You really are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm relaxed, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Really absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My blood pressure this morning was 420/69.
BEN KISSEL
Margaritaville, baby. Well everything's fine then.
MARCUS PARKS
Well everything's okay. And apparently this was the only swing and a miss for this guy that day. It was Random Acts of Kindness Day, so he went and actually bought a lot of boxes of chocolates.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And he handed them out to people of varying ages to make everyone's day better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that also sounds pointed and specifically done. It sounds like he did the thing like what Dicaprio is doing right now where he's like see, I'm dating a 28 year old! He's doing the thing.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like see, I didn't just give it to kids!
BEN KISSEL
I don't know, I think it's nice that he tried.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in a new release issued Tuesday, police said they'd found the man, they tracked him down, and determined that his intentions were quote "genuine and pure".
BEN KISSEL
How the fuck did they do that, by the way? Oh now you're gonna tell me how genuine, now tell me how kind you were.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well Canadians are like well, you know, I'll take you at your word.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cops just come being like well he promised, so there's no way there was a crime there because we pinky swore and he is fine.
MARCUS PARKS
We all remember Robert Pickton. How many cops were out there at the Piggy Palace? How many times did they ask him, it was like so you got any girls out there? We've been missing a lot from Hastings Street. And he's like you know officer, I'm not gonna lie to you, no. We absolutely haven't seen none of these girls around here. We haven't got no girls, I don't even know what a girl is honestly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I tell you what, he's a straight shooter. Honestly I believe anybody who looks like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anybody that's got half a head. Really, you gotta give him credit.
BEN KISSEL
You really do. All right. Well a nice story indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
It is a nice story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is strange though that they investigated after he got the candies and didn't get molested. It is really weird that they went back and he was just like I got these weird candies on the street and then they put man hours into trying to single out this Tiguan.
BEN KISSEL
You gotta follow that up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess so, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It could have gone horribly wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
Well actually the cops did follow it up when you did something similar to this, Ben, when you were a child. Remember the time when you were late and then-
BEN KISSEL
I do recall, yes. I don't like to talk about my felonious activities when I was a child.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's too late.
BEN KISSEL
Perhaps lied to the police.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been out for years.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the statute of limitations on that was out. Plus the records are sealed.
BEN KISSEL
Well nothing happened, I completely lied.
MARCUS PARKS
You lied.
BEN KISSEL
And got my brother in trouble. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah you lied and said that, didn't your brother left you behind and you lied and said that a man in a truck came and-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it was a series of lies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly it's nice to give the cops something to do because then they're like we gotta go out and get that guy.
BEN KISSEL
It was nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you give them a whole afternoon working on that fake crime-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Instead of all the other real crimes.
BEN KISSEL
And I got him grounded for the weekend. So that taught him not to go in front of me. Yes. Anyway, so it's very nice that they were able to find the culprit and I hope he gave the candies to the cops.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I hope so too. Well we got a horrible story. We've got a kind of nice story.
BEN KISSEL
No, that was a nice story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a neutral story.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a neutral story.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So now we're gonna go for a nice story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a good story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no.
MARCUS PARKS
It's involving a certain cemetery goose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. When you sent this story, I think it's interesting. I think that I am guilty of this as well.
BEN KISSEL
Honk honk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good. I think I'm guilty of maybe, you might be, of throwing human emotions onto an animal from afar.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
BEN KISSEL
Of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And not understanding that most of the time these animals' brains are not really complex enough.
BEN KISSEL
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To maybe feel the shades of emotion that we might feel that they're thinking.
BEN KISSEL
A goose is very smart.
MARCUS PARKS
I like to think of it as goth goose gets remarried.
BEN KISSEL
There you go. Goth goose gets remarried. I love this movie.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's read this story from CBS News. There are few things sadder than a love story cut short by tragedy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
9/11.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I mean there are a couple of things sadder.
MARCUS PARKS
One such story comes out of a cemetery in Marshalltown, Iowa where employees at a cemetery noticed that a goose, Blossom, was out of sorts after the death of her mate, Bud the goose.
BEN KISSEL
Now this is the thing, geese, do they mate for life?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm looking it up right now.
MARCUS PARKS
I believe swans do.
BEN KISSEL
Beavers do.
MARCUS PARKS
I think geese might.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It says pairs usually stay together for life. Most Canadian geese pair with a mate at age 3. Too young.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, when they're not being fucking domestic terrorists.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Yes, they are terrible animals.
BEN KISSEL
They took Sully's plane down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, they are constantly trying to mess with our... Yes of course, humans are maybe not meant to take the sky but guess what? Our brains allowed us to.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. And they're huge. Canadian geese are scary big, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
I grew up in goose country.
BEN KISSEL
Geese are scary, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Texas is geese country?
MARCUS PARKS
God, yes. Yeah, when they come down from Canada, they come down to Texas, to specifically my area of Texas. There was just geese everywhere all the time. There used to be these hunters, these rich men from Dallas would come down and sit in a field all morning, the field across the street from the house where I grew up and every morning I'd be woken up by the peppering of shotgun pellets.
BEN KISSEL
Cool. That's a fun thing to do on a Saturday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It really is. It makes you who you are.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it really does.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So do the geese go down there, move, and then complain about how now there's too much traffic because it used to be this empty place.
MARCUS PARKS
There's too much traffic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they're using the excuse of we're turning it purple, we're gonna make it go purple. Where it's just like no, you're just fucking geese and you can't vote, you legally can't vote.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They are Canadian.
BEN KISSEL
They are Canadian. Keep your politics in Canada. You're welcome here in Texas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it. Geese are like people according to opticsmag.com. Do geese mate for life?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah I remember when goose are on Pornhub, searching all that...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Now geese hookup as much how it is for humans. Some geese prefer a soulmate and will bond with each other for life, while others prefer to play the field. In fact some geese who are bonded still make time to try extra mating on the side with another goose. So you just heard it here first, geese are poly.
BEN KISSEL
All right, there we go. So this goose is missing its loved goose.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Blossom and Bud had lived on the pond in Riverside Cemetery. But after Bud died in August of 2022-
BEN KISSEL
Suicide.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
9/11.
MARCUS PARKS
9/11. Blossom's behavior changed. Of course yeah, the after effects of 9/11, died from the cancers unfortunately.
BEN KISSEL
Aw, he was down there in the rubble. He was trying to find all the other geese.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pecking around. Honestly, probably pecking at whatever survivors were in there trying to make sure that they were dead because geese are terrible to humans.
BEN KISSEL
They are very aggressive unless you give them bread but apparently not supposed to because it's not good for them. But we eat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All I know is that he better start honking and Jon Stewart to get some of these benefits.
BEN KISSEL
Honk honk. How many I wonder birds died in 9/11?
MARCUS PARKS
How many birds died in 9/11? That's an interesting question.
BEN KISSEL
Some had to.
MARCUS PARKS
I would guess three.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, maybe three or four.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean think of the pigeons.
BEN KISSEL
They hang out!
MARCUS PARKS
Think of the pigeons. How many pigeons were down there?
BEN KISSEL
Pigeons are slow to move, bro.
MARCUS PARKS
How many pigeons do you think died in the cloud afterwards? That's what killed them.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually it's more the opposite. They're saying that 9/11 tribute lights endangers 160,000 birds a year.
MARCUS PARKS
Endanger? No, the opposite, it kills 160,000 year.
BEN KISSEL
The lights?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it endangers them.
BEN KISSEL
The lights?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They veer off their normal migratory flights.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they go towards our precious memorials.
BEN KISSEL
No shit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man. Another fucking tragedy. Another way we just Americans keep making the hurt.
BEN KISSEL
So the two lights that they have in memoriam-
MARCUS PARKS
Killing 160,000 birds a year.
BEN KISSEL
Or at least distracting them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, there actually is a fucking number.
BEN KISSEL
What is it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One volunteer counted 261 dead migratory birds surrounding the World Trade Center complex on Tuesday morning. Wow. What?
BEN KISSEL
Tuesday morning?
MARCUS PARKS
Was it Tuesday because like 10 am?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So why did hundreds of birds die at the World Trade Center? Oh no, this has got to be something else. This has to not be... This is just dead birds that were found on the street.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's just a person counting every dead bird they see in New York City?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? Yeah, I guess so, man.
BEN KISSEL
We better go back into Iraq and Afghanistan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We better, man.
BEN KISSEL
I hadn't realize that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We got to, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
Well back to our geese in the cemetery-
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Blossom and Bud, they lived on the pond together. But then after Bud died, Blossom started spending time near the front office looking at her reflection in glass windows and on model tombstones.
BEN KISSEL
That's cute.
MARCUS PARKS
The general manager, Dorie Tammen, said she wanted company.
BEN KISSEL
She does! You gotta get her another goose. You gotta stud her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So Tammen posted a personal ad for the quote "lonely widowed domestic goose".
BEN KISSEL
What does that sound creepier than the guy giving candy to a child?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This all is the shit that ties into this week on Side Stories, we covered that Kansas adoption center was using the OnlyPaws thing.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where they were selling pictures of dogs feet, toe beans.
BEN KISSEL
Cats and dogs feet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the toe beans.
BEN KISSEL
Have you heard this term?
MARCUS PARKS
Toe beans? Yeah, I heard it.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're already getting, the emails we've already received for your lack of acceptance of the term toe beans-
BEN KISSEL
It's called a paw. Not a toe bean. It's a paw.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the internet says otherwise and you better put bacon on your narwhal before you say another fucking thing about toe beans.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh, god.
BEN KISSEL
Bacon on my narwhal?
MARCUS PARKS
Well she wrote, this woman in her personal ad, that Blossom wanted a quote "life partner for companionship and occasional shenanigans".
BEN KISSEL
They have shenanigans.
MARCUS PARKS
Every once in a while, when there's someone grieving, they have like a dead parent or-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(honking) They attack a funeral.
MARCUS PARKS
They'll fly right in the middle of it.
BEN KISSEL
What?
MARCUS PARKS
Shenanigans, cemetery shenanigans.
BEN KISSEL
Is there like a term for why when ducks run, it's so scary? Because they're not like super fast but they are fast enough. Like why is it so scary when a duck runs?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they bite. Because you know that they bite.
BEN KISSEL
But it's also just something with the way that, it's just the movement, it just fucking makes your brain freak out.
MARCUS PARKS
(quacking) Yeah, it's the wobbliness.
BEN KISSEL
I'd get into the fetal position if I see a duck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really?
BEN KISSEL
Oh I used to run away from ducks, crying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You should not say that out loud because now we know your true weakness is a flock of ducks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean I said that I was scared of frogs years ago. And what do I get? Fucking frog pictures all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everyday.
BEN KISSEL
You don't get frog pics. I give you a toad picture but you don't have a problem with toads.
MARCUS PARKS
No, that's the thing. I like frogs, I'm fine with frogs. I hate toads, toads are what I truly hate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that's again, you've just said your inner weakness.
BEN KISSEL
What's your animal that you get scared of?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what really scares me and I can't see is big natural MILF breasts.
BEN KISSEL
Too many boobs. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Big naturals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is like I can't stand seeing them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I understand that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow. And I you can't send them to me because it just freaks me out, it's scary.
MARCUS PARKS
It super freaks you out, yeah. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I can see you freaking out over a ferret. I could see you vs a ferret and the ferret just completely-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what's funny is I have no issues with that style of little animal. That doesn't bother me. I am sometimes a little get nervous around a big dog. I sometimes get nervous.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But otherwise only because one time-
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know if it's because you're...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you wanna get crossbodied?
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You you want me to fuck ah! You want me to fucking fly across this room?
BEN KISSEL
All right, big dogs. There it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Scared of tits.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what I noticed about ferrets, went to Petco here in Los Angeles the other day and I was just sort of walking around, looking at all the different sections, getting food for Georgie. And I noticed that the ferret section here in LA is far larger than the ferret section in the New York Petcos.
BEN KISSEL
I didn't know that they had a ferret section.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a very large section.
BEN KISSEL
Really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am pretty certain that the ferret community of Los Angeles is very large.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I do think that we have a lot of straight up housebound former television personalities and there's something about ferrets and hoarders that are like they touch tips. I know we've talked mess on ferret owners before, we know that they are animals. Obviously ferret owners love their animals and a lot of times good ferret owners take care of it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a ferret is also the perfect hoarder animal because it just slicks around.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Do ferrets get along with the people?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Ferrets? Yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
They're skittish but...
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think they nip. They nip and they piss everywhere.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But obviously they're very loving and they're kind of smelly. They get very dirty, you gotta wash them hard.
MARCUS PARKS
Well let's get to the wonderful world of geese, let's get back to geese for a second.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Tammen posted a personal ad for the lonely widowed domestic goose, writing that Blossom wanted a life partner of course for shenanigans and such.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they just mean fun, right? They don't mean just sex, right?
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, fun.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
In the ad Tammen called Blossom youthful, adventurous, and lively. The joke worked better than anyone could have expected. Tammen soon heard from Deb and Randy Hoyt, owners of a widower goose named Frankie.
BEN KISSEL
Frankie killed his wife. Frankie says relax.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All day long this couple sits looking at their goose and they're like that goose needs to be fucking. Why is that goose hanging around here? That's a new single goose. You shouldn't be wasting time, not like us all locked down, my wife of 95 years.
BEN KISSEL
You can see a goose though, if they're sad they would hang their big heads real low and they're sad. They'll be sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And just like Blossom, Frankie was in need of a mate. Deb Hoyt, the owner of Frankie, said he was so lonely. Randy Hoyt saw the ad-
BEN KISSEL
I think this woman might be a little lonely but that's okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Randy Hoyt saw the ad-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, we're putting emotions on the animal.
BEN KISSEL
But they do get lonely.
MARCUS PARKS
They do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Randy Hoyt saw the ad and said he thought quote, "well that'll be great."
BEN KISSEL
Perfect. And?
MARCUS PARKS
The Hoyts and Tammen and set up a Valentine's Day blind date for the birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, this is the thing, this is the thing. So now, all right, all this hype has been built, right? You got one fiending, you got the other one looking out the window wondering where everything's gone and where everyone's gonna be.
MARCUS PARKS
Where is happiness gonna come from in the future? Am I ever going to feel it again?
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly. So please tell me for our listeners sake that when they got together it worked out.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the two are spending all their time together at the cemetery and even taking dips in the lake. Blossom welcomed Frankie with open wings.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Tammen said they started walking off together and they haven't left each other's side since.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that fantastic? But the strange thing is at some point one of them will be a widow again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how it is for all of us.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that strange?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we're all gonna be fucking dead.
BEN KISSEL
Who's gonna die first? Do you think Frankie or the female?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The man always dies.
MARCUS PARKS
I think they'll get killed at the same time by a teenager who wants to throw rocks.
BEN KISSEL
Oh you can't kill a... Geese are stronger than a rock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you remember we talked about that. We covered this on Side Stories, the story of the goose that was murdered.
BEN KISSEL
Who?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The goose that wore shoes.
BEN KISSEL
Oh the goose that wore shoes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was a neighborhood guy, everyone was like love this goose. And its feet were malformed and this local dude saw this and was like oh, I can help this goose, made shoes for the goose.
BEN KISSEL
Goose shoes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And everyone was like oh, it's amazing, it's incredible. The goose became the town mascot and then it turned into who shot Mr. Burns when the goose showed up dead.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Somebody killed the goose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Someone fucking murdered the goose.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Which is horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
I remember that happened when I was a kid in a town called Stanford, Texas. The reason why I brought it up is because somebody came and they killed the swan, they beat it to death, they threw rocks at it until it died. It turns out it was some visiting teenager from the city.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what happens because you put them out on the range and they're not ready. I was a
city kid that they tried to see if they could do country things with me. And guess what? It didn't take.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
And that is called a Texas honor killing. All right, so the geese are together.
MARCUS PARKS
The geese are together. Let's stay in the animal kingdom for the next story.
BEN KISSEL
Please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
Who's ready for sperm whale news?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
BEN KISSEL
Yay! By the way, unvaxxed sperm. Have you seen this? Unvaxxed sperm is a thing. So apparently they're selling this stuff in droves. I can't believe it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one is really... I don't know if anybody's actually buying pureblood sperm. No one's buying it.
BEN KISSEL
So there's some antivax dude, right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, they've been doing this. It's on Tinder.
BEN KISSEL
And he's flipping it to be like now you milk me. But it's something!
MARCUS PARKS
Now you can milk me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Unvaxxed sperm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't think he's selling any of it.
BEN KISSEL
I think that women are milking him, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
This is from two years ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
No, there was also just a sign outside of a new fantastic institution that opened up in Austin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the cardigan talking.
BEN KISSEL
Unvaxxed sperm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a cardigan point.
BEN KISSEL
Making that money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, yeah, because it's pureblood. They call themselves purebloods.
BEN KISSEL
That's why I'm selling Bud Light Lime sperm. I will drink Bud Light Lime for one month and I will give you 8 oz of my finest spunk after.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't even really appreciate the fact that he's leaning in after all of these years of it.
BEN KISSEL
Now it's ruined it for you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's because he's flipped it. He's such a flip flop.
MARCUS PARKS
He is a flip flopper.
BEN KISSEL
It's because Bud Light responded to us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, of course.
BEN KISSEL
I just need to get recognized.
MARCUS PARKS
Not so much a flip flopper as much as he feeds off of attention. It's really the only thing that he responds to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will say that two of our superpowers are being a whore for attention and money.
BEN KISSEL
Marcus, back to the story of another animal.
MARCUS PARKS
The holy anointing oil for King Charles III's coronation will not contain the intestinal wax of sperm whales, nor will it contain civet secretions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's called like... What is it called?
MARCUS PARKS
Chrism oil.
BEN KISSEL
Put that on some bread.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the thing is that, what is he... What is this? What's happened? Why?
MARCUS PARKS
You gotta get anointed when you become the monarch of England.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why? I thought you had to do was flop out of the right bitch's pussy.
BEN KISSEL
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Tradition.
BEN KISSEL
There are fights within that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, I know.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I played Crusader Kings III.
BEN KISSEL
You know firsthand.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the sacred chrism oil had previously contained oil from the glands of-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh. Chrism.
MARCUS PARKS
From small mammals such as civets and it contained of course ambergris, which we talked about in our Essex series.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why?
BEN KISSEL
So the sperm whale, they're not talking about actual sperm, right? They're talking about that brain gunk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the spermaceti.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this isn't spermaceti, this is the ambergris which they actually get from the inside, from the intestines. They scrape it out. It's like if somebody killed you and scraped all the cholesterol out of your veins and then made an oil out of it and then put it on the king's forehead.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Merch!
BEN KISSEL
More merch. Merch on top of merch. Why did they ever... Was that like a compliment?
MARCUS PARKS
Well yeah, it was a sacred oil. It's an oil that only kings can have.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are they getting out of the civet? I'm looking at this thing now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Secretions.
BEN KISSEL
What is a civet?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you're talking about its piss and shit or its come or...?
MARCUS PARKS
Probably its glands.
BEN KISSEL
Pus.
MARCUS PARKS
Like you know how your little dog, how you have to take it to the-
BEN KISSEL
Oh god, I don't wanna think about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
You have to take it to the groomer to get the glands squozen?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Probably that.
BEN KISSEL
I squoze it myself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just don't...
MARCUS PARKS
Something like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why are we putting this on this moron?
BEN KISSEL
To make the guy a king.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you make him a king. It's sacred. No one else gets to put the fucking civet secretions on their head.
BEN KISSEL
Civet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But now they're making it without any of that shit so anybody can do it.
BEN KISSEL
I'm actually really pissed off that they're fucking not making these kings have to do this. They should have to bathe in the stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
They should. But in keeping with changing values, of course King Charles is very much an environmentalist-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck him! Fuck his fucking ass! Fuck this piece of shit! Fuck him! Fuck Buckingham Palace! Oh he's into fucking causes?
BEN KISSEL
He's an environmentalist. Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just go fuck yourself! You fucking big-eared chimp! Fuck you, King Charles.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who gives a shit?!
BEN KISSEL
I hate them more everyday.
MARCUS PARKS
Every day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it is?
BEN KISSEL
I forgot the war. I was like Revolutionary War, who cares?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I'm off. Now I'm back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it is, truly? It's that after all of this, cause that's such a deeply empty gesture.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one gives a fucking shit what's in that oil.
MARCUS PARKS
No one cares.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We never did.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one ever cared!
BEN KISSEL
No, no one knew.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you know who didn't care either? The kings that got it squirted on their heads!
BEN KISSEL
They might have, to be fair.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They didn't know what it was.
MARCUS PARKS
They didn't know what it was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Half of them had half a brain.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's true, that is true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're all inbred hill people that just happen to wear fancy clothes.
BEN KISSEL
Very true.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean but that's the thing, this is so sacred, this part of the ceremony is so sacred when they put the oil on the new monarch's forehead that it was banned from being filmed at Queen Elizabeth's coronation in 1953.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because back then they used to have to blow up, what was that big pile of gunpowder you had to blow up to take a picture?
MARCUS PARKS
It was 1953. They had fucking regular cameras. It's 1953. It's 1953!
BEN KISSEL
We're like 10 years from landing on the moon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just saying who gives a shit?
MARCUS PARKS
And you still think it's poof! You still think it's that?
BEN KISSEL
Well my daughter died five days ago. Can we get a photographer?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna have to start it now. No, I'm just talking about in England. I thought it was all dumb over there.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean their TV in 1953, I have seen the footage of Queen Elizabeth's coronation, it looks like shit.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yes. I am obviously being facetious, I understand. But also I just think that all of this is very fucking stupid.
MARCUS PARKS
It is and it's about to get dumber.
BEN KISSEL
Have they done away with like the whole thing where then they get a bunch of slaves also? Or they're gonna keep that? Because remember when the queen became the queen?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's already wrapped up, that's already in there, don't worry.
BEN KISSEL
That's already in there? Okay. Because then she did a tour and they were like these are all now your servants. And they were like who are you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And Fernando did remind me that this was, you just sent me a link that I forgot about, civet coffee which is the thing where-
BEN KISSEL
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know that thing about civet coffee?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where it's a highly, highly sought after, very expensive coffee that is beans that have been eaten by a civet and then go through its whole fucking system, come out its asshole, they shit it out, and then they take those coffee beans and it's like very fancy.
MARCUS PARKS
How do the civets feel about it?
BEN KISSEL
What the fuck is a goddamn-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like just like please for the love of Christ, leave me alone.
BEN KISSEL
There's a place called Civet's Coffee right here in beautiful Los Angeles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we can get civet coffee in America. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Copi Luoc. It's right here, you look at it, look.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like how they put the picture of the little raccoon creature on it and we're supposed to be like ooh, what a nice roast.
BEN KISSEL
That's what a civet is?
MARCUS PARKS
I recognize that animal. You know what that animal is? Remember in Willow when the witch got turned into the rodent?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
That's the creature it got turned into.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So everyone, if you don't know what a civet is, just imagine that which turning into a goat, quite disturbingly.
BEN KISSEL
Also you can get civet wine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is $100 for I think this is a pound of coffee. 100 grams of civet coffee.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god. No, no, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It says here it's full of antioxidants.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. That's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So are blueberries.
MARCUS PARKS
Well now that they've gotten rid of the civet and whale oil, they've gotta have a new oil.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because they gotta oil him. They gotta oil him up.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Absolutely. What have we got here?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I thought it was secret, why do we all know?
MARCUS PARKS
It's predominantly olive oil and it contains a mixture of rose, jasmine, cinnamon, orange blossom, and sesame. But the olive oil is special because it is harvested, the olives are harvested from the burial site of the king's grandmother, Princess Alice.
BEN KISSEL
Why the fuck do I give a shit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
King Charles, so what do they do? So they put him in a Pyrex dish and then they layer that over him for like a 24 hour marinade, right?
BEN KISSEL
It's a waste of olive oil.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can we tenderize him first before we do that?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I would imagine it's part of the recipe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd love to really pound him out with a meat hammer a little bit.
MARCUS PARKS
You want to make a new empire, then yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Buddy, King Charles, ugh, just saying that is disgusting. He would not be good to eat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. He'd taste like liver and anchovies.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. You couldn't even eat him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And cigar smoke.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
You probably can't jerky him at this point, he's so old.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think he is jerky.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's disgusting.
BEN KISSEL
But the queen has a meat on her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You saying the fucking queen had cake?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah man. Is that the term?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, she had some cake on her.
MARCUS PARKS
She's chasing those corgis around.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Little bit of exercise in that.
BEN KISSEL
Little booty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna look up Queen Elizabeth's butt.
BEN KISSEL
All right. It's quite plump.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can keep going if you want as I look this up.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the oil for the coronation, set to take place on May 6th, it's coming up, it was made sacred in Jerusalem's Church of the Holy Sepulcher where Jesus was crucified and buried.
BEN KISSEL
Jesus wants nothing to do with this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was all fake too.
MARCUS PARKS
And at the coronation, King Charles III will be blessed with the oil when it touches his head, chest, and hands.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll tell you what though, Queen Elizabeth, what she makes up for in depth of body, she was very wide.
BEN KISSEL
She was.
MARCUS PARKS
She was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Surprisingly wide.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So she had kind of it was a flatter butt but it was kind of a landscape style.
BEN KISSEL
A British butt.
MARCUS PARKS
Hips. Next story?
BEN KISSEL
Let's do it!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean we better.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's come back to America for this one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank god.
MARCUS PARKS
And let's go for death.
BEN KISSEL
I already covered the Shawn Kemp story so we're done.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I don't know what other news we can cover.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're good. No foul play is suspected in the death of a Georgia businessman whose body was found wrapped in a rug.
BEN KISSEL
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is really an actually very strange story.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a fun mystery. Maybe we can solve it.
BEN KISSEL
Did the Clintons do it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. I will not stand for these accusations!
BEN KISSEL
Like you're right here with us, Bill.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm talking to McDonald's, remember?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I remember. I remember that.
MARCUS PARKS
Police are revealing new insight into their investigation into the death of a Georgia father who died on a business trip to Baton Rouge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now that's a good old fashioned phone on a belt style business trip.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. What is he selling, rotary phones? How do I unload these phones?
MARCUS PARKS
It just is business trip. It doesn't actually say what. But that's the thing, if you're going about Rouge for business, what are you doing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shower parts.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're selling shower parts. Let's say you're selling literally stuff like-
BEN KISSEL
Any bathroom things, any bathroom utensils.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Industrial lubricants.
MARCUS PARKS
Fiberglass baptismals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All that shit.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You never know. Yeah, like scrap metal.
BEN KISSEL
Tombstones.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, whatever. Well Millard's wife Amber told Channel 2 Action News that her husband went to a college basketball game, then a pub, but never made it back to his hotel.
BEN KISSEL
Action.
MARCUS PARKS
Baton Rouge Chief of Police, Murphy J. Paul Jr, spoke about the case Tuesday afternoon. He said investigators dedicated many resources to the ongoing investigation and investigators found no signs of foul play after discovering Millard's body wrapped in plastic and rolled in the rug.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you mind doing that properly with the proper New Orleans drawl, if you could?
MARCUS PARKS
(French accent) Investigators found no sign of foul play after discovering Millard's body wrapped in plastic and rolled up in a rug.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll take it. Bit French but...
BEN KISSEL
It's a little different.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm not sure if I know like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well you have to remember, all you have to do is, the number one, the only way to do a Louisiana accent is (French accent) Mr. Cajun.
MARCUS PARKS
(French accent) Oh, Mr. Cajun! The investigator is saying there is no gunshot wounds or signs of blunt force trauma.
BEN KISSEL
You guys are nailing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's actually not bad.
BEN KISSEL
You sound like the guy from The Room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And that's good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, so he rolls around, he rolls himself-
MARCUS PARKS
Into a rug.
BEN KISSEL
Into a rug.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the issue-
BEN KISSEL
I can see a person being able to do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the problem. They're coming back with the toxicology report because right now there is no signs of foul play. He was not strangled, he was not shot, he was not stabbed.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There is no specific bodily harm done to him. But what's weird is not that he was just in a rug, is that he was wrapped in plastic and then wrapped in a rug.
BEN KISSEL
Was he trying to jerk off?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean straight up. But where did they find him?
MARCUS PARKS
Here's what's interesting about it. They found him 6 miles from where he was last seen on CCTV. He was in an abandoned shed behind a funeral home.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, he must have been hammered.
MARCUS PARKS
He might have been. Or what I'm thinking is that-
BEN KISSEL
Sounds like there was some foul play.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or something weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe he died, maybe he was sent to the funeral home, maybe there was no ID on him, maybe his wallet was stolen. He was sent to the funeral home, something happened in the funeral home, some paperwork wasn't actually done. So they wrapped him in a rug and put him out back to take care of him later.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
BEN KISSEL
I mean that's a bad funeral home.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is definitely, yeah. I could see it just being just bad business value.
MARCUS PARKS
There's a lot of bad funeral homes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I could definitely see that. I also could see what did I learn when I went to New Orleans by myself for Mardi Gras?
MARCUS PARKS
Well this is Baton Rouge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So I'll ask our listeners if it is the same for Baton Rouge but I wonder because people were so friendly. And I was by myself so I just ended up with this group of guys that were there for their own bachelor party and I was hanging out with them for like three days. And anything could have happened to me because I got fucking blackout drunk, I followed them to a casino, I did all this type of weird shit. I got spanked by a dominatrix, I got whipped in the street.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Do you wanna go under and maybe remember some of the things that happened to you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God no, oh god. No I don't. No I don't. I like to keep those firmly in the subconscious.
BEN KISSEL
You're gonna put those in the Disney vault.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I wonder if you meet a guy at a fucking sports bar, you start talking shit being like (hillbilly accent) you like these boots? Why don't you come back by mine, I'll show you I got a whole collection of these boots.
BEN KISSEL
It somehow racist what you're doing. I don't know why it's racist but it's racist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then they go out and what do we know? Never go to a second location.
MARCUS PARKS
Always.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Truly ever. You shouldn't do it. So maybe, maybe that's where stuff happens. Dies of a heart attack.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Or what about this? What if he dies alone, a bunch of drunk guys come upon him, they think they're gonna have a fun evening-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, fucking and sucking this dead guy's body.
MARCUS PARKS
No. I was thinking they're gonna do something fun, like they do a Weekend At Bernie's thing with him for a while, take him to a couple of bars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you're in Baton Rouge for the weekend, you're there for a business trip.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Have fun.
MARCUS PARKS
(slurring) What the fuck do we do with a dead body now? Where's the dead body go? Dead body goes in a funeral home so fucking wrap him up and take him over.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(slurring) Think about this, think about this. In the morning, all right, we got the cabana at the hotel, right? We put fucking sunglasses on this fucking guy and we bring him in there. Right? Because that's fun as hell.
BEN KISSEL
I think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they're like man, he stinks.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, wrap him.
MARCUS PARKS
Wrapped in plastic.
BEN KISSEL
Wrapped in plastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wrapped in plastic.
BEN KISSEL
Maybe he was just trying to be a little worm. Maybe he got drunk and was like I want to be a worm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's so many ways to mysteriously die in America. There's just like, I guess across the world, there's many ways.
BEN KISSEL
For some reason I feel like Russia is the most mysterious.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
A lot of people just jump off of buildings but I think they're thrown mostly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or deep within the government of China, I feel like there's a lot of weird shit happening in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you can die.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's like, I wonder, truth is false, stranger than any fiction we can construct.
BEN KISSEL
Sometimes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes.
BEN KISSEL
Sometimes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I feel like yeah, he could have died of a heart attack.
MARCUS PARKS
He might've.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you got a bunch of vagrants that find a body and they want to wrap it in plastic cause it's kind of fun. And they put him in a carpet because they're like whoa, cool, fun. It's a carpet, fun. Or is it like he dies at some guy's house and he's like oh, maybe he's got a war now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know?
BEN KISSEL
Could be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I gotta hide this body now, even though it's completely quote unquote "innocent" or we we're having some kind of illicit gay affair out here in the swamp.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe.
BEN KISSEL
Could be. Business trip?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or normal. Who knows? Just hanging out, maybe just hanging out with somebody he met.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe they were transporting the body and then somebody came upon them, they got spooked, dropped the body and ran away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
True.
BEN KISSEL
Could be. Well either way his wife is now a lonely widow and we need to find this bitch of goose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would love to start. Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. Do you have a goose that is willing to be shipped to Baton Rouge to have sex with this grieving woman?
BEN KISSEL
Not just sex, not sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no, Georgia.
BEN KISSEL
Shenanigans.
MARCUS PARKS
Georgia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The widow is-
MARCUS PARKS
From Georgia.
BEN KISSEL
And they're just gonna wanna do shenanigans.
MARCUS PARKS
Just shenanigans.
BEN KISSEL
Just shenanigans.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Cemetery shenanigans.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And all I know is just keep its beak away from your pussy.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't care what anybody says.
BEN KISSEL
That is a level of torture. Ugh, god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You could try to teach a goose cunnilingus but I do think that that is going to be a long process.
BEN KISSEL
No, no, no. Yeah, it's not happening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You might want to need to do it on a football or something. You know what I mean?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You might want to do it on some other, like a couple of fleshlights and let them tear that up until they really get the hang of it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's gonna tear it up.
BEN KISSEL
No billed animals for that. Also did you see the KFC chicken fleshlight?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean it's a joke, right?
BEN KISSEL
You can buy it. You can buy it and theoretically fuck it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like being relaxed.
BEN KISSEL
It's chicken, it's fake chicken obviously.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The double down is back.
BEN KISSEL
I saw.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
America's returning back to normal.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that's nice. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Where are you seeing this?
BEN KISSEL
You didn't see it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no. He lives in a whole... His entire internet is something that we will never understand, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has a whole... I've looked at his algorithm. I've never seen an algorithm that is so different from mine.
BEN KISSEL
Yours is just full of GIFs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It seems okay. I am seeing a video. Yeah, I know. I'm looking at that same thing.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I think...
BEN KISSEL
It's not fake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's not fake.
BEN KISSEL
It's a chicken pussy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not done by an AI.
BEN KISSEL
Look at its chicken pussy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's not fake as in somebody did construct a KFC chicken fleshlight. It was constructed, yes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah and you can buy one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna be in your world.
MARCUS PARKS
By that measure Batman is also real because somebody created Batman.
BEN KISSEL
No but you can't fuck Batman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can fuck a guy in a Batman costume.
BEN KISSEL
Can you buy Batman? No, you can buy this KFC chicken-
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think you can buy it.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, you can!
MARCUS PARKS
Buy it right now. Buy it right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just in a soda cup.
MARCUS PARKS
Buy it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just somebody trying to fuck a piece of chicken.
MARCUS PARKS
If you can get a KFC fleshlight here, I'm gonna be generous, I'll give you two weeks. If you can get it here in two weeks, I will give you $63 cash.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Cash.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
$63 cash.
MARCUS PARKS
Cash. $65.
BEN KISSEL
Well consider it fucking bought.
MARCUS PARKS
We'll round it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, please, man. I want this too, please get this.
BEN KISSEL
KFC fleshlight on Etsy right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, you know who this is? No, I know who this person is. We did this whole thing. Remember they had cartoon-themed fleshlights? Do you remember this? Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Ben, I'm not seeing anything here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's got a whole, again, I don't know what shows up here.
BEN KISSEL
No, I'm gonna figure it out. Don't worry. All right, let's move on.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. I'll round it up. $65. I will give you $65, that's how much this is worth to me is $65.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. Well get ready for my pockets to get a little bit bigger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why because they're gonna be filled with a KFC fleshlight and your dick's gonna be inside of it?
BEN KISSEL
Have you seen the fleshlight?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, I see. Oh look, it came with gravy.
BEN KISSEL
But you wait when I buy that KFC fleshlight and then I come in with 20 piece chicken nuggets and I call them my kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean that's delusional territory.
BEN KISSEL
And then I'm gonna put little eyeballs on all my nuggets and be like that's Tommy the nugget, you do not talk to Tommy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly...
MARCUS PARKS
Don't talk to Tommy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just don't please question Kissel on his family. Okay? That's his family.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's his family, it's who they are. It's who he is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? This home chooses love.
BEN KISSEL
Oh and now I only have 19, Samantha died of cancer so I ate her. All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now 18.
BEN KISSEL
Hey Marcus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now 17.
MARCUS PARKS
We're gonna be ending my true crime roundup with a quite horrific tale.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like that we're ending hard.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're ending real hard here.
BEN KISSEL
Good.
MARCUS PARKS
Not even on human murder. But let's get into it. A woman from England who was goaded by laughing onlookers into cutting up and eating her pet hamster Mr. Nibbles is jailed for a year. And by the way, she did it in a video.
BEN KISSEL
What? Why?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the way I will describe this woman is-
BEN KISSEL
Hungry?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna be generous here, she does look like a woman that would eat a hamster on camera.
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow. She really looks like, I mean speaking of Total Recall, gotta get to Mars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She literally does look just... Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Two weeks!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Two Weeks!
BEN KISSEL
Two weeks!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, she looks just like that. That's so weird!
MARCUS PARKS
God, she does look exactly like her. That's incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
I didn't know that actor ate a squirrel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it's controversy, right? Because she very much on film was eating a cut in half animal.
MARCUS PARKS
Well there's two videos.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
The first video is there's the hamster in the hamster ball.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And she's got a knife and she was stabbing into the hamster ball to try and kill the hamster.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh. Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
And then the second video, the hamster is cut in half and she eats it whole, raw.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She eats its intestines raw.
MARCUS PARKS
While a woman in the room laughs in the background.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
She's heard to say (British accent) you're a sick bitch, you are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they all laugh.
BEN KISSEL
What? Is it like the British, you don't hear too much of the crime because mostly it's like your knees are backwards, you know. But then when we do hear the stories-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, they're intense.
MARCUS PARKS
It's really gory.
BEN KISSEL
They are so scary, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they ain't better than us. That's what shows they ain't fucking better than us.
BEN KISSEL
No, they're not. They're not.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You want us to talk about fucking Florida, man? You wanna talk about all this fucking bullshit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking you have the same shit.
MARCUS PARKS
You have people who are cutting hamsters in half and eating them raw!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You like it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, we got them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But what's happening is apparently this is based on a thing, a what would you put? A trend that's happening in UK called cuckooing.
MARCUS PARKS
Cuckooing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cuckooing, right.
BEN KISSEL
Cuckooing?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now see this is why they're... So obviously this woman was hard up. She was very much so on some form of crack cocaine/heroine.
BEN KISSEL
Hammered out of her fucking mind.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All fucked up. But she was being goaded to... And what's interesting is that she did eat the hamster like she was Joey Chestnut because she did the thing with the bottle of water where it's like every single time she took a bite, she'd like wash it down with the fucking bottle of water, right.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Trying to get it down. There was no speed trial here, I don't know why we were rushing. Because this is the show here, you know?
BEN KISSEL
You just want to get it done maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
You want to get it over with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But there is this thing that is happening that she believed that she was cuckooed, right, which is people slowly but surely manipulating somebody that is on drugs and eventually taking over their home. So according to this woman, her name is Emily Parker, right? Emma Parker.
MARCUS PARKS
Emma Parker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wasn't she also in La La Land?
BEN KISSEL
La La Land.
MARCUS PARKS
This woman is 39, she's our age. Imagine that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's my age. This is insane. Look at this woman's face. We are the same age.
BEN KISSEL
Jeez, that's a harder 39 than you, I guess.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the way she puts it, she was like (British accent) oh I had a bit of a crack cocaine, yeah. I had a bit, right.
BEN KISSEL
Just a touch, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) There's something good, innit?
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then eventually she said her dealers would start showing up at her house and hanging out longer and longer and then she'd be like (British accent) all right now, thanks for the rock then. Isn't this nice, innit?
BEN KISSEL
It is kinda cute the way they do crack over there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do, yes. It's out of like a talking tea kettle.
BEN KISSEL
That's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Their crack is cuter.
BEN KISSEL
It is cute.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then eventually they would start showing up and then they said not only are we gonna... This is a good warning to you. The dealers started offering, we're going to deliver drugs to your home without you even asking us to.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like we're just gonna start showing up. And we're gonna come to you instead of you coming to us. And eventually they just started living inside of the house. And now this seems to be a trend that is happening across the UK.
BEN KISSEL
But no answer to why she ate the little hamster there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They said it's because now you have a bunch of people that literally have like weapons. She is basically saying I was essentially a hostage doing this under duress.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But now why did that happen?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it was there!
BEN KISSEL
But why would the drug dealers be like eat it, eat the hamster.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they were malicious people maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this woman said that she admitted like yes, that is me on the video eating the hamster.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at the vibrant summer dress she's wearing in the video.
MARCUS PARKS
But she claimed that she was helping the hamster to die after it had been bitten by one her dogs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's not how you do it.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not how you do it. You don't stab at it in a hamster wheel and then cut it in half and eat it.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not in this economy.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
No, absolutely not. Maybe take some of the oils out from it and rub it on your king.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, what's gonna happen next?
MARCUS PARKS
Well she said the incident took place at her home last May but refused to name those filming the footage, telling police quote "they are not nice people."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I could imagine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I looked it up and this seems to be common. Because you know we have an issue in America because we're currently in a spiraling housing crisis. But part of that is the idea of squatters and people showing up and just taking over a home.
BEN KISSEL
Just living there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they can, they do actually have some agency because it's really just like if you can get in there, it's very difficult to get them out.
BEN KISSEL
It was her house though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And so that's what people do. There was a Netflix show called The Worst Roommate Ever I think it was called, horrible name for a harrowing show.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it was all about people who show up in your home, they read you and they figure out that they can manipulate you, and then they just don't fucking leave, they just stay inside your house. And then you can't get them out. And then basically they're like you leave, you can go.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is something that is happening, I don't know how often but there's several now videos and say how to avoid being cuckooed.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Cuckooed, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
It comes from the cuckoo bird because what the cuckoo bird does is that it goes into a nest of other birds, it pushes those eggs out, and then it lays its own eggs in there so the other bird raises its chicks and then when the cuckoo birds hatch, they eat the other chicks.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what Nick Cannon does. Funny pop reference.
BEN KISSEL
That's funny, that's funny.
MARCUS PARKS
Funny pop culture.
BEN KISSEL
Interesting, I did not realize that.
MARCUS PARKS
And this actually hearkens back to a famous British news story that I've never heard of before, it harkens back to the famous tabloid headline 'Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster', The Sun story from March of 1986.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Elucidate.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Curious?
MARCUS PARKS
It alleged that the hungry comedian had placed a friend's pet hamster between two slices of bread and ate it at her Manchester home-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
After the pair went back there following a stage appearance in the city.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? This was a comedian? Well I guess this was funny, sure.
BEN KISSEL
Freddie Starr.
MARCUS PARKS
It did not happen.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, it was a lie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's an urban legend.
MARCUS PARKS
Well no, it was fake news. It was actually planted in the papers. What became one of the best known newspaper headlines of all time was concocted by his publicist Max Clifford to gain attention for his tour. The comedian later said that he had never so much as nibbled on a live hamster, gerbil, guinea pig, mouse, shrew, vole, or any other small mammal. Following Starr's death four years ago at the age of 76, The Sun's headline declared 'Freddie Starr Joins His Hamster'.
BEN KISSEL
Look at this. He's smoking a cigarette with his-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's funny stuff!
MARCUS PARKS
That's funny stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's funny stuff!
MARCUS PARKS
Funny stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's supposed to be in your mouth!
BEN KISSEL
He looks like he's committed a whole series of... Maybe he's just seen a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
He looks like he may have hung out with Jimmy Savile maybe.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well they all were forced to.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm sure we're all going to get a bunch of (British accent) Freddie Starr's the most wonderful man in the world, how dare you say these things about Freddie Starr, you fucker?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God knows what he's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And then like okay, all right.
BEN KISSEL
He died in Spain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody that lived in the 70s did something wrong. That is just how it happened.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody who lived did something that was questionable because you were next to that guy.
BEN KISSEL
He did insult comedy, physical comedy, musical comedy, and observational comedy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's all of it. I wish more comedians were more multifaceted.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
It looks like he was in a band called After The Laughter. No, he had an album called After The Laughter, nevermind. I thought he was in a band called After The Laughter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, After The Laughter.
MARCUS PARKS
That would have been a terrible band name.
BEN KISSEL
After The Laughter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's when the kissing starts.
BEN KISSEL
No, the name of the band was actually Merseybeat. He became the lead singer of Mercy Beat. It was a pop group. Or the Midnighters? Also spelled Midnighters which was managed-
MARCUS PARKS
He was in Merseybeats?
BEN KISSEL
Which was managed by Brian Epstein.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that Jeffrey Epstein's cousin?
BEN KISSEL
Oh man, that's a whole other thing. I don't know either way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
They're all dead now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just glad we left our show and we ended our show on a good giant miasma of confusion where we don't know what we're saying and the audience doesn't know any of the facts. They're probably screaming at their car or their home right now, answering all the questions that were just Googling live.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, probably, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you see this is where the effort really comes in because we don't just say things willy nilly. Do we, Kissel?
BEN KISSEL
Wow. No we don't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do we, Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, we're sitting here looking for the facts.
BEN KISSEL
Intense. It was interesting though, Starr was not happy any longer. He says I'm fed up with people shouting did you eat that hamster, Freddie?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You didn't.
BEN KISSEL
Now I say give me £1 and I'll tell you. Then they give me a pound and I say no and walk away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, it sounded like a John Cleese.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And Merseybeat is not a band, there was a band called the Merseybeat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, a famous band.
MARCUS PARKS
But Merseybeat was a style of music.
BEN KISSEL
Got you.
MARCUS PARKS
From Liverpool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Merseybeat, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is fan-fucking-tastic.
BEN KISSEL
There we go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're doing our best here.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, hold on. In November 2012 as part of the... Ooh, now this is a whole thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like this is letting him read-
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing, they've listened so far.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you've listened this far-
MARCUS PARKS
It's the last five minutes so, you know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anything's up. Yeah, exactly. What do you think? Pause. Say it out loud.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is what we'll do for the show, for the segment. We're gonna say and what about that, Teresa? Is your name Teresa?
BEN KISSEL
Well there was-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's interesting. What a funny point you just made.
BEN KISSEL
There's was a defamation suit on October 8th, 2012. Channel 4 reported allegations relating to Starr's appearance on Jimmy Savile's BBC television show Clunk-Click.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We already said it. Yes, of course.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay, so my first instinct was correct.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was correct. Yes. And you know what you could tell? It was because I knew he was a deviant by the way he smoked.
BEN KISSEL
Starr was arrested by police in his Warwickshire home in connection with the Jimmy Savile's sexual abuse scandal!
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everybody was then. Jimmy Savile did a really good job of implicating an entire industry and royal family on his crimes. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
Well all right, everyone. Thank you so much for being British.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was really great.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you for listening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait to do our Jimmy Savile series. We have to do it someday.
MARCUS PARKS
We will eventually.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh god. It's gonna be so gross.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have to do it.
MARCUS PARKS
Eventually. No, eventually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's nothing but smiles.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody's gonna love it.
MARCUS PARKS
Jim'll Fix It.
BEN KISSEL
There is a good documentary on him now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. It was fantastic actually.
BEN KISSEL
Oh it was so gross. Made my skin crawl.
MARCUS PARKS
Very good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually thought that the hitchhiker documentary wasn't very good.
BEN KISSEL
I didn't see that one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The hatchet, hitchhiker with a hatchet.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm not sure if we finished it. I think we did. I thought it was all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stolen Youth was good.
BEN KISSEL
That was Kai the hitchhiker?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Kai the hitchhiker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I thought it was good, it was just too long.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just hate when they get all... They're too fun, they're making it too like Buzzfeed.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they really are. It's too cute. Everything's too cute.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Just show me-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Murders.
MARCUS PARKS
Murders.
BEN KISSEL
Well you don't gotta worry about cute when you listen to us.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you all so much for listening to this fun Relaxed Fit episode. Thank you for being here, Ma
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Obviously it's the show.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the how, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's you have to be on contractually.
MARCUS PARKS
Contractually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have to be on it but also truthfully I love to do it.
BEN KISSEL
I love to do it.
MARCUS PARKS
As do I.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I think about this everyday, I wonder, I don't know what we did right to get to live our dreams.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know either.
BEN KISSEL
I want to make my friends smile today, that's what I say everyday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everyday I wake up and I pray to Jesus Christ I'll make my friends smile.
rcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. And did you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hope so.
BEN KISSEL
You did. All right everyone, thank you for listening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just a simple laugh farmer.
BEN KISSEL
We'll be April 8th, check out Henry and I for Side Stories.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Remember the WonderCon.
MARCUS PARKS
I've got it right here. On Friday, March 24th we're gonna be signing at booth #1500.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
From 3:30-4:30. And on Saturday, March 25th we're gonna be doing a panel in room #209 from 11:00-noon. And then we will do another signing at the Z2 booth, again booth #1500.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come on by! Why don't you learn something for a change?
MARCUS PARKS
That's 12:30-1:30. And don't forget Tom Neely is also going to be there on Friday.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good, good, good, good, good. Good plug. Because you gotta go look at his stuff. Come on.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Tom Neely, his stuff is fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the best.
MARCUS PARKS
If you've never read 'The Humans', it's great, I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly it's really good. I reread it recently.
MARCUS PARKS
It's very good.
BEN KISSEL
It's incredible.
MARCUS PARKS
If you've never read it, 'Henry and Glenn Forever', it's a fucking modern classic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Please go read that especially if you're a fantastic of Henry Rollins, Black Flag, Glenn Danzig, or The Misfits.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you ever read 'Ed the Happy Clown'?
MARCUS PARKS
I fucking adore 'Ed the Happy Clown'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's great.
MARCUS PARKS
It's one of my favorites, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
All right. Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And thanks for stopping by.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations everybody. Don't eat your hamster.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't eat your hamster. Unless of course it has consented.
BEN KISSEL
I don't think it has.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And new No Dogs In Space episodes coming very soon.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good, good plug.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you.