HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are you boys ready?
MARCUS PARKS
Ready to get into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Picasso was only 5'4".
MARCUS PARKS
Picasso was tiny.
BEN KISSEL
Picasso.
MARCUS PARKS
Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Well yes he was.
BEN KISSEL
I think he probably did a bunch.
MARCUS PARKS
Not in New York.
BEN KISSEL
You don't know that. Everyone in New York gets called an asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man.
BEN KISSEL
You like help someone out too well they're like you fucking asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're sitting here, we're trying to do, this is a little bit of a true crime roundup.
BEN KISSEL
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Before we get into our big series next week.
BEN KISSEL
Put your cowboy boots on. Do you have some spurs? Kick a cow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kick a cow.
MARCUS PARKS
You don't know what spurs are used for, do you?
BEN KISSEL
No, I thought they were used for kicking cows.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I thought too.
BEN KISSEL
But back kick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought it was about giving them a kick with the heel and then that makes them go fast.
BEN KISSEL
Honestly I think they're for digging in when you're having a little too much fun on the ranch. You know what I'm talking about?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh. Now we're gonna get letters from these cowboys incensed that they are not bottoms.
BEN KISSEL
It ain't gay if there's a cow watching.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But today is also a mournful day because we lost the Mount Rushmore of Last Podcast on the Left. We lost Kenneth Anger, Tina Turner.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wade Boggs.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One day. In one day! And I'll never go on a plane again.
BEN KISSEL
So Kenneth Anger, Wade Boggs, and Tina Turner walk into heaven.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just laughing thinking about it.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that something? Although I don't think Kenneth Anger is in heaven.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no. Well he would not want to be. But I don't think he did the Hail Mary at the very end. He's a very famous Thelemite.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he goes where Thelemite go which is the vape store.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And of course Thelemites, the isopod of religion. I don't know why. It just seems like it, sounds like it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well both are dripping with horrible juices.
BEN KISSEL
All right, let's hop right into it. I'm gonna beat that til it's dead. Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left. Ben, Henry, and Marcus. Wee-oo wee-oo. True crime roundup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yee-haw.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I was like police. Wee-oo wee-oo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Cool.
BEN KISSEL
Round you up.
MARCUS PARKS
Rounding up the criminals.
BEN KISSEL
Hey boys, let's go round up some criminals. That's what they say every day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They always do. They're like boys, get your tightest batons on, we're going out there to get some criminals.
MARCUS PARKS
And hey, be careful out there.
BEN KISSEL
Be careful out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Be careful out there!
BEN KISSEL
Oh what a fantastic song.
MARCUS PARKS
First up, a story out of New York City.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
A woman has got 21 years for trying to kill her doppelganger with poisoned cheesecake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we have tried to cover this story on Side Stories a couple of times.
BEN KISSEL
But we get sidetracked by the cheesecake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It has been on more than one occasion that Kissel has then got into what kind of cheesecake? Is there a drizzle? Is there a graham cracker bottom? And you're like there's a bunch of other info here.
BEN KISSEL
Also did she make the band when she walked over the Brooklyn Bridge for P.Diddy?
MARCUS PARKS
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
MTV's Making the Band.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I remember that.
BEN KISSEL
They had to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge to get P. Diddy a bit of cheesecake from Junior's.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes. From Junior's. Yes, that's right. I remember because that's the-
BEN KISSEL
It had nothing to do with music.
MARCUS PARKS
No it didn't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I always remember-
MARCUS PARKS
The Junior's over by the Alamo Drafthouse?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
BEN KISSEL
No, I think it was the original Junior's.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The one in downtown Brooklyn.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, the one by the barbecue joint.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They go over the Brooklyn Bridge to Dumbo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the downtown Brooklyn one near the Alamo Drafthouse, right next to the Dallas Barbecue.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah but the Alamo Drafthouse was so new.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wasn't there.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's a newer reference.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just remember the Chappelle sketch when they make him carry him and stuff as P. Diddy. You remember that?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I do remember that. That was fun. I don't know where to go from that. Remember that other sketch? Remember when Chris Farley asked Paul McCartney if he was dead? Remember Stuart Smalley?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My brain is already filled with all of this shit for next week.
BEN KISSEL
Next week is gonna be fantastic, along with this episode.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this story, I'm gonna make sure we get through this shit.
BEN KISSEL
Great!
MARCUS PARKS
We're not getting sidetracked on Junior's, we're getting through this story. A Russian woman living in New York City was sentenced to 21 years in jail for poisoning her similar looking friend with sedative-laced cheesecake, then stealing her identification and other valuables.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hot girls poison their friends. What's her name?
MARCUS PARKS
Her last name is Nasyrova.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How do you spell it? Because I want to look up and see what she looks like. Nasy-rova.
BEN KISSEL
It's M-I-L-F.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Russian.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Her last name is Nasyrova.
BEN KISSEL
I don't think you need a sedative for cheesecake. Cheesecake itself, rich, dense, creamy dairy. It is in itself a sedative.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She poisoned them. It wasn't just making them sleepy.
BEN KISSEL
No, I know. But you know.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It was poisoned with a highly potent sedative that she hoped would cause this woman to die and then she scattered pills around her body to make it look like a suicide.
BEN KISSEL
She didn't even understand it's death by chocolate, not death by cheesecake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I know that this woman was a dominatrix.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. At one point she was a dominatrix. Before we get into our background though, let's get into the crime itself. Nasyrova brought cheesecake over to beautician Olga Tsvyk's home on August 28, 2016.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
The two were close in age, Tsvyk was 35, and they were also close in appearance. They both had dark hair, they had the same complexion, they had similar physical traits and both of them are Russian speakers. Although the woman in question is Russian and the victim is Ukrainian.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you look at them you can see, yes, same eyebrow structure, one has a bit of a plumper face. But the same eye color which I actually think is really interesting. But you know in Russia, cake cheeses you.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Nasyrova, she actually was pretty clever about this. She came over with the cheesecake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) Do you want to have it, so you stuff and cram?
BEN KISSEL
How much cheesecake are we talking? Are we talking a slice? Because I actually think it's offensive to bring a single person a full cheesecake.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Here's what she did. She brought three slices. She sat down, she herself ate two pieces of cheesecake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) I so big, I so big and clumsy, I always force the food. Everywhere I go I am always consuming and grarshking.
BEN KISSEL
So wait, she ate two thirds of the gift herself?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. She ate two pieces of cheesecake first.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To show.
MARCUS PARKS
Then the third slice after she'd showed her how yum yum yummy the cheesecake was-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) Ugh I am so full of all of the different cream, I always get the gorkishgar.
BEN KISSEL
So she brought three cheesecakes, ate two in front of this woman, and this woman is just sitting there like why the fuck did you bring cheesecake to eat at my house?
MARCUS PARKS
Then she offered the third slice to Tsvyk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) I could not possibly eat three slices of cheesecake. I have already diarrhea this morning.
BEN KISSEL
I believe it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But think about that, you want this woman power eat two pieces of cheesecake. Honestly it's more of a dare.
BEN KISSEL
It's weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's more being like no, no, hey now, hey, I want one too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Right. I guess so.
MARCUS PARKS
And so after this woman ate the third slice of cheesecake which was poisoned, and good on Nasyrova for keeping track of which ones are poisoned and which ones weren't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) Mission impossibles.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. I'm sure that one just has like a giant P on it for poison.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Also my god, I will say though the Russians, plutonium, very good poisoners.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Although I heard the sushi is kind of good in Russia. That's what somebody said.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I believe it's polonium, the stuff that they-
MARCUS PARKS
Polonium, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
What did I say?
MARCUS PARKS
Plutonium.
BEN KISSEL
Oh plutonium!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's because they use a powderized version of a radioactive material, we just saw another guy that was speaking out against the war currently, the Ukrainian war, Russia vs Ukraine. Another guy just mysteriously fell asleep and didn't wake up on a plane. Very, very sick. He was a critic of the war and apparently it makes you real allergic to polonium.
BEN KISSEL
That's so bizarre. Also a bunch of people just jumping out of buildings.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they really are.
BEN KISSEL
Or are they? They need Ace Ventura on the case.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the woman who was the victim here, she felt sick after eating the cheesecake and went to lie down. She soon was violently vomiting, she was floating in and out of consciousness, and she was terrified that there was something wrong with her. Tsvyk said that the last thing she remembered before passing out was seeing Nasyrova walking around her room. The next day, a friend of Tsvyk's discovered her unconscious in bed with pills scattered around her body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) You see how she is like in the Mario doctor game. When she take the pills they pop out of her vagina.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah. But if she was trying to commit suicide, she would take them.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no. But that's the thing, I guess it was just some sort of pill explosion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pill attack. Someone came while she was sleeping the night, threw a handful of pills in her mouth.
MARCUS PARKS
So she was taken to the hospital for treatment under the assumption that she had tried to kill herself. But once she returned home, Tsvyk, realized that her passport and employment authorization card were missing as were a gold ring and other unspecified valuables.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, that's why you always gotta make sure, again, we're not trying to encourage murder here but complete the job.
BEN KISSEL
No. She thought that she did!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is all about seeing things through.
MARCUS PARKS
You gotta wait around until she stops breathing.
BEN KISSEL
But then you're there way too long. Evidence mounts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Technically you feed her a bunch of the cheesecake. Once she's passed out, you put a plastic bag over her head, you duct tape the plastic bag around her face.
BEN KISSEL
Well that defeats the purpose!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No but then she just dies. You remove the bag at the end because now she's dead.
BEN KISSEL
I wonder if they could tell.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you just use a pillow. Plastic bag there's way too much residue left behind on that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Depending if they decide that it looks suspicious. If it just looks like a suicide, you write a letter next to it going like (Russian accent) I will never ever be Snooki.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) No matter what I do.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You make a fake suicide letter, you make her really sad. You push her lips down so it look like she's frowning.
BEN KISSEL
That's a good point. That's a good point.
MARCUS PARKS
No, but I think if you have the pills scattered around, if you have the cheesecake, if you have all of this, then I think you take the chance with the pillow that quite possibly no one is going to look into it, that they're just gonna say like okay, another suicide, let's move on.
BEN KISSEL
Is this not true when it comes to Marilyn Monroe? That the pill bottles were full? And that's why people think the CIA killed her?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's all over the place.
BEN KISSEL
Wasn't there something where there was like a bunch of pills and then they're like well if she took all the pills, why would there be a bunch of pills there?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We should probably do an episode at some point about the death of Marilyn Monroe.
BEN KISSEL
Who killed Marilyn?
MARCUS PARKS
I think we did. Didn't we do like an extra, like after the JFK, didn't we do like...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, we never did it.
MARCUS PARKS
We never did it. Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We never did. We wanted to do it.
MARCUS PARKS
We wanted to do it and we may one day. And so therefore-
BEN KISSEL
I love it.
MARCUS PARKS
Therefore I will not have an opinion on it because I have not looked into it enough to form an opinion.
BEN KISSEL
It was the CIA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a lot of stuff in there. There's a lot of stuff we don't know because again, yes, one of the pill bottles could have been filled.
BEN KISSEL
Perhaps.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But she probably could have burned through a bunch of them. She was doing them habitually.
BEN KISSEL
She was abused.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But she built a certain tolerance over a period of time. Why now? Why true crime now?
BEN KISSEL
True.
MARCUS PARKS
Wasn't she with Joe DiMaggio?
BEN KISSEL
She was with a lot of the boys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she was with Joe DiMaggio. She was also with what's his name who wrote The Crucible?
MARCUS PARKS
Arthur Miller.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you know he was a rocket in the sack.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, the Arthur Miller thing doesn't make any sense to me.
MARCUS PARKS
What are you talking about?
BEN KISSEL
Have you ever seen what he looks like? Is he a hunk?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's a handsome guy.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
Tropic of Cancer, Tropic of Capricorn.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
He wrote some very sexy novels.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's Henry Miller.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Arthur Miller is an unattractive playwright.
BEN KISSEL
That's what I thought.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marilyn Monroe said that what she loved about him was his intelligence. Marilyn Monroe was the type of person that really... Marilyn Monroe was a construct.
BEN KISSEL
I know. Norma Jean.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was a character he just met. Yes. She was a very bright lady.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she actually felt that Arthur Miller brought that more out of her and took that side of her more seriously. I mean he also loved jumbling the bumblies.
BEN KISSEL
Of course!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that's a part of it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I mean I feel the same way about Anna Nicole Smith.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
And she was the first person that we watched die for our entertainment. The blood is on all of our hands!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you see the documentary?
BEN KISSEL
No. I mean I love her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very sad. The documentary is very, very sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Did they go into the clown video?
BEN KISSEL
Well the clown video is classic.
MARCUS PARKS
You don't remember the clown video?
BEN KISSEL
She was dressed as a clown talking to her daughter who was also dressed... Technically she was being fun mom.
MARCUS PARKS
No, she wasn't being fun mom. She was so incredibly fucked up on pills she could barely talk.
BEN KISSEL
What her intention was to be fun mom.
MARCUS PARKS
See Henry, because what I remember-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm looking now. Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You got a confused look on your face. I remember way back in the days when we used to do those live shows at The Creek & The Cave and we used to show videos, that you wanted to show the Anna Nicole Smith clown video and I argued against it saying it was too sad.
BEN KISSEL
Too sad.
MARCUS PARKS
But you said no, no, no, no, no. People are gonna love it. It's gonna be great.
BEN KISSEL
What happened when he showed it?
MARCUS PARKS
I know people got really sad and there was a strange silence that settled into the room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Artists have to have a palette of many styles and flavors.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
And this was actually before I was ever on stage with the two of you. This was when I was still back up in the booth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is extremely sad.
MARCUS PARKS
I got to watch it happen.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It even even says your sad clown footage of Anna Nicole Smith shows her wheeling a toy baby and pram into house. But at the time I thought things that were really sad were really funny because I was angry.
BEN KISSEL
As opposed to now.
MARCUS PARKS
You were an angry man, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I'm way more like...
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am saddened.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
I'm saddened. And of course her lawyer, Howard Stern.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yah. And we've all grown over the years. Like for example, I don't find the video of the two Russian guys-
BEN KISSEL
Swirling the grandmother around? That's hilarious.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't find that funny anymore.
BEN KISSEL
I mean it's absolutely hilarious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah!
BEN KISSEL
She didn't die.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah! That's why that video is funny because of her noises.
BEN KISSEL
Anyway.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because again, that's funny. She lived. She's not fucking dead.
BEN KISSEL
Still the saddest celebrity video ever leaked was David Hasselhoff eating that hamburger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was about holding a mirror up to him. But her new bodyguard, Moe her bodyguard is saying that Anna Nicole Smith actually played up the pill addiction way more for the cameras which I think is actually not true.
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
BEN KISSEL
No, I think that she had a massive pill addiction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
I think that Howard Stern character lawyer was feeding her. Anyway, that's a whole other story.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of people say he was actually kind of a weirdly good force in that home for a period of time. But it all came down to the weird baby thing. We don't know who the father of the son was, it's a long story. It's very sad.
BEN KISSEL
Jerry Springer is dead and we'll never know.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
BEN KISSEL
Let's get back to the cheesecake.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the next day after of course she came back and noticed that all of her gold was gone, her passport was missing.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
FBI came in, tested the cheesecake residue in the empty dessert container-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This fat ass fucking New York detective, finally he's like you mean to tell me that it's cheesecake? Oh I'm fine but my ex comes to the forefront.
BEN KISSEL
Hey Mayor Big Bird, Mayor Big Bird! Bo Dietl here. Bo Dietl on the case. Bodeedle has a book in Marcus' office.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. 'One Tough Cop'.
BEN KISSEL
It's the single dumbest... I read a page. It's the dumbest thing I've ever read.
MARCUS PARKS
And I do love how your New York political references will forever remain in the year you moved away from New York.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how it is.
BEN KISSEL
Mayor Big Bird.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the mayor will always be Bill de Blasio, it'll never change. Well once they tested the pills and the cheesecake residue, it came back for phenazepam which prosecutors describe as a highly potent sedative. It is available for prescription in Russia but not controlled in the US.
BEN KISSEL
Oh weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She laced a slice of cheesecake with a deadly drug, this is what the attorney said, the district attorney Katz, he said she laced a slice of cheesecake with a deadly drug so she could steal her unsuspecting victim's most valuable possession, her identity.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean it depends on the identity.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah but isn't the identity still what you make it? Isn't she still gonna fuck that one up if she fucked her old one up?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that she was hasty.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think that she didn't fully think all of this through. Most people who do identity theft, I think that's a common problem.
BEN KISSEL
No but identity theft is-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You get the identity and then you're like what do I do now? I just had a guy break into my... He tried to get through my Amex, blah, blah, blah. But he went through my Wayfair account. He broke into my Wayfair account. And what did he buy? Three big grills. It was like very strange. I guess with intent to sell.
BEN KISSEL
I guess.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you get that? Can you pull a guy over and then look at the back and there's three grills in the back and you're like well actually this is now now you're kind of a propane dealer.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You get arrested for selling grills without a license.
BEN KISSEL
That's why you always just want to have like 8th of weed on you. If you have like an ounce, they think you're going to distribute.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And I always take it out right out of my ass to show the cop that's where I keep it nice and warm.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
This Russian woman, she had reason to steal an identity because at that moment in 2017 Interpol was closing in because she was wanted for a 2014 murder in Russia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No shit. Where was Franz Ferdinand?
BEN KISSEL
Interpol sounds fun. I think if I could do-
MARCUS PARKS
That's very good. Very good, yes. Very good.
BEN KISSEL
It's good.
MARCUS PARKS
How droll. How droll.
BEN KISSEL
How droll. Droll. Interpol, I think if I could choose one agency to work for Interpol sounds pretty fun. You get to travel the world and you get to find real criminals. This isn't traffic cop type of stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, this isn't post office cop territory.
BEN KISSEL
Post office, you'll find a real criminal there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think Interpol would be a very difficult job to get.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah. You have to know multiple languages, you have to be like a true savant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Internationale person.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Nasyrova was accused of killing her friend Alla Aleksenko and stealing her life savings in Russia in 2014. The following year, Interpol issued a red notice for Nasyrova's arrest for murder. In other words, a request to law enforcement worldwide to locate and provisionally arrest a person pending their extradition or surrender.
BEN KISSEL
You know what I would say if I stole a bunch of money from a Russian? What am I gonna do with all these rubles? What do I do with all these rubles?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a serious question to ask.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a legit question to ask. You probably should answer it before you do all the murdering and the stealing.
BEN KISSEL
Rubles, great name for money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
I like rubles.
BEN KISSEL
I would take the name ruble over the name dollar.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, all about the rubles.
BEN KISSEL
Life is all about the rubles. It's about the rubles you make along the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That doesn't make any sense, that's actually just about having a job. I'm looking at this woman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she's interesting because beautiful face.
MARCUS PARKS
Very beautiful face, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very beautiful face.
MARCUS PARKS
But not as beautiful as the woman whose identity she tried to supplant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking the woman she was trying to take the identity of was actually way hotter than she was.
MARCUS PARKS
Way, way hotter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she was shooting way out of her league.
BEN KISSEL
So is that the problem? Is a that a problem?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think so.
BEN KISSEL
But why would she steal an uglier person's identity? It's proven scientifically that life is easier when you're attractive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's to show you're humble.
MARCUS PARKS
But I think actually I think stealing a person whose identity is more attractive than you, I think that's actually better because then you can just say oh what happened to you? Oh I let myself go. You let yourself go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah. I got fat and dumpy.
BEN KISSEL
You know that's a solid point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
And I have some personal evidence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) I am uglier now, I am stressed and mad.
BEN KISSEL
I would use my middle brother Chris, the model. I would use his ID when I was underage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure.
BEN KISSEL
And I was very heavy. You think I'm a little chubby now? You should have seen me 75 lbs more. But I was able to just be be like yeah, I put on some weight. Because they'd look at it and be like... But we're about the same height-ish, red hair.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It was like yeah, I put on some weight and then they got shamed and didn't want to be like well you're a real fat fuck now. So they would just give it to me.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As my hairline changes I just tell the police officers well as you can see my skull and brain are expanding.
BEN KISSEL
Also why does TSA not understand that people grow facial hair?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't like it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're hard with that.
BEN KISSEL
I don't have any fucking facial hair in my photos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and they immediately assume that you're like Osama Bin Laden. Yeah, they're like oh someone was radicalized.
BEN KISSEL
Love that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you don't understand that you just were radicalized that you were made super cool.
BEN KISSEL
Nice. In the 80s.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this woman, Nasyrova in New York City, once she arrived after murdering her friend in Russia, she was not a model citizen. While she was in New York City she was working as an escort or a dominatrix, which that is not a bad thing at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the purest thing about her.
MARCUS PARKS
That is absolutely the purest thing about her but she would sedate her clients and rob them of their jewelry and other possessions.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that's not good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Issues.
BEN KISSEL
That's the thing, honestly when it comes to sex work, when it comes to being a dominatrix specifically, the key word is trust.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
And I don't like that she was drugging all of these people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
BEN KISSEL
Smack their balls, gape their buttholes, but please leave their finances alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly just help everyone help everyone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's been an ongoing problem in New York City for many, many years. Escorts, dominatrixes, etc, etc, stealing watches from clients, stealing money, using their credit cards.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Are they a bunch of crows?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually it's kind of fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Well they're gambling on the fact that it's highly embarrassing to be robbed by an escort or to be robbed by a dominatrix.
BEN KISSEL
And that's why I haven't been robbed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What I find what you gotta do is that you gotta raise the prices for yourself.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Understand that the market bears higher prices for dick sucking and dick mangling projects. You can get in there and set you set your premium high.
BEN KISSEL
Dick sucking really isn't even that common of a practice within the art.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do you mean?
BEN KISSEL
So many condoms and then sometimes they just put latex gloves on you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On you?
MARCUS PARKS
Latex gloves over your penis?
BEN KISSEL
Latex glove full of a bunch of lube and then they just use that. Condoms are expensive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They are.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know. I can only speak about other people's experiences that they've told me.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Nasyrova has been sentenced to 21 years in prison-
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Damn.
MARCUS PARKS
For the cheesecake attempted murder. However she said quote (Russian accent) "I am not a killer, I'm woman."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am woman.
MARCUS PARKS
(Russian accent) "I am woman, only woman."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
BEN KISSEL
What the fuck does that mean? We're bringing transgender issues into this?
MARCUS PARKS
She's not a killer, she's only a woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm only a woman.
BEN KISSEL
What does that have to do with anything?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She can kill with a smile, she can wound with her eyes. Which actually that's Billy Joel already showing what it means to be a woman which is inherently a murderer.
BEN KISSEL
Women can kill. Women do kill. There's books called Women Who Kill.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She can do what she pleases, she's nobody's fool. So you can ask for forgiveness but she'll never agree.
BEN KISSEL
Straight up now tell me, do you think we're gonna do this forever?
MARCUS PARKS
Whoa. Uh oh.
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Only a woman. I just think that's a horrible excuse.
MARCUS PARKS
Only a woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm only a comedian. That's what I say at every turn.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
All right, there we go.
MARCUS PARKS
And so we have successfully covered the cheesecake killer story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we actually kind of know what the story was.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You know how she got the Interpol request put out?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How?
MARCUS PARKS
Because actually they were looking for and they found a red light camera where she was driving with the corpse of her friend in the front seat of the car, just sitting there dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) Have you met my friend, her name is Bernina?
BEN KISSEL
Yes, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Russian accent) And we go to beach clubhouse together. Then we go, we make fun visit to White House.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, that would be very fun.
MARCUS PARKS
It would be fun.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
So for our next story, let's head over to Australia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
Down under.
MARCUS PARKS
A jumping castle operator has been jailed over arson attacks on his rivals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I see.
BEN KISSEL
Weird.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is I want to say bouncy house culture and the business behind it.
BEN KISSEL
Is there a culture?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
As we'll get into it, there is quite... Melbourne at the very least, Melbourne, Australia is big in the bouncy house business.
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a community. But it's I would say tangential to carnies, right. It is in that world.
MARCUS PARKS
The amusement industry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then if we are dealing with carnies, right-
MARCUS PARKS
Amusements, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's amusement people.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These carnival people, they have sometimes reputations of ill repute.
BEN KISSEL
Well but that's what you want because then they also have to be carnies forever because it's the only job they can legally have.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And also don't we give them a lot of power over our lives?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, we literally give it all up to a bunch of absolutely checked out 16 year olds that have been up all night drinking gasoline out of the tilt-a-whirl.
BEN KISSEL
Well that's why the interesting thing is with the carney, you want to make sure that they're just right and fucked up enough-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To stay loose.
BEN KISSEL
To stay loose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stay present.
BEN KISSEL
But then also they can focus because again, the worst time or the most dangerous time when an alcoholic or a drug addict acts out, usually they don't got what they need.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Keep them drunk.
BEN KISSEL
You gotta keep them kind of drunk, keep them a little meth'd out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And it's gonna be a vicious cycle for the carney too because once carney is on your resume, I mean you can't really do anything else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's difficult. I guess you can go to sort of, there's probably an executive carney suite for a higher level.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sure there is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cirque du Soleil.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be lateral moves for a carney though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For a while.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well James Balcombe's desire to be number one in Melbourne's jumping castle game has seen him jailed for up to 11 years-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Over a series of arson attacks on rivals.
BEN KISSEL
Well that's the opposite of a bouncy house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta fucking take these guys out at the knees, man.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The county court of Victoria heard that Balcombe, whose company Awesome Party Hire was ranked number one on Google after he commissioned the attacks on rival businesses, he was arrested after he ordered that his own shed be burnt down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm fucking talking about.
BEN KISSEL
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is real. He is a bouncy house Lex Luthor.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So this is arson.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The court heard that Balcombe had commissioned a man named Craig Anderson to burn down his own factory called Kangaroo Flat as he was concerned police would be suspicious that he was the only bouncy house guy whose building hadn't been burned down.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
So he's thinking like okay, the cops, I'm gonna be seems the only one who isn't burned down. So I gotta make them think that there's some sort of bouncy house criminal who wants to take down all of the bouncy houses in Melbourne.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, who do I pin this on? Who do I pin this on? It's realtors of stable houses!
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the problem is that all these guys are coming for the bouncy houses, this is what we tell the police, because of how fun a bouncy house and how boring a normal structured house is.
BEN KISSEL
Man, can you imagine if you were forced to live a normal life in a bouncy house?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure.
BEN KISSEL
How horrible would that turn out to be?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like that's a good would you rather. Like would you do it for forever if you got like $20 million?
BEN KISSEL
But you have to live in a bouncy house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just live in a bouncy house for the rest of your life.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well you know I bet you you could make it work.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
For $20 million?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's where you sleep.
BEN KISSEL
Well you have to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got your laptop in there.
BEN KISSEL
That's where your bathroom has to be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're mostly gonna be going on vacation.
MARCUS PARKS
There's gonna be a lot of parameters here though. So okay, so bathroom-wise, is the bathroom-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no, you're shitting either out on the grass or inside the bouncy house and it's going up and down with you.
MARCUS PARKS
But if you have $20 million can you install a port-a-potty outside?
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
One of those really nice ones?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I would do.
MARCUS PARKS
Like the trailers.
BEN KISSEL
Everything has to be in the house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Everything has to be inside the house.
BEN KISSEL
You have to live in the home.
MARCUS PARKS
You're using just pots.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because that's the thing, if you're using anything of weight, you're gonna pop the bouncy house. And if you pop the bouncy house, killed. You will be killed if it ever pops.
BEN KISSEL
Also I don't know if the term commissioned is the proper term for what this man was... He's not painting the Obamas.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
He was just told to go blow up my barn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But this guy, they're sitting there, are they both in clown makeup?
BEN KISSEL
I think that you are being a little bit of a bouncy house-ist. These are bouncy house people, these are not clowns or carnies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This man set fire to his own fucking factory.
BEN KISSEL
He's motivated.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean I can see where Henry's coming from. I do think that the carnies and the bouncy house people are definitely in the same sport, the same ballpark.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But Ben, I do also agree with you where I think that the bouncy house people probably look down on the carnies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
BEN KISSEL
I also think the clowns look down on both of them because clowning is an art, one of the oldest arts of all time. In France they still take it very seriously.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Comedy is very real. Stand ups look down on sketch people and collectively we all look down on people who do improv.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
BEN KISSEL
That's the way it goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There always has to be somebody below you in a structure.
BEN KISSEL
Yep. And then improv people, I guess they just-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just look down on anybody else.
MARCUS PARKS
They look down on the guy who thinks he's funny at the office but he's not really.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But he doesn't do it on the weekends.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Not like me having sex with my students.
BEN KISSEL
Oh well. Hello.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the court heard that Balcombe, that's the bouncy house company owner.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's Bouncy Balcombe.
MARCUS PARKS
Bouncy Balcombe. Well three days after that March 2017 fire, the guy who he commissioned to burn down his own factory, he got arrested, they caught him in three days. And then he named Balcombe as the instigator of that blaze. And then once he gave up that information, Anderson spilled the whole story-
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
And said like you know this bouncy house fucking caper you guys have been chasing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Australian accent) It goes deeper than you think it does. It's the deepest story here in Melbourne.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you fucking imagine that too? Because of course your fucking bouncy house assassin is gonna flip. He's from the bouncy house community!
BEN KISSEL
I know. I agree, not stable. You know I love Australia, I love the Australian people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
MARCUS PARKS
It's great.
BEN KISSEL
But I have been a little bit disappointed in their lack of criminality. When I was growing up it was like they're all criminals, they're all crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But now I think they've been subdued by the state too much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well there's been a lot of... Well they do have effective control over the automatic rifles and automatic weapons.
MARCUS PARKS
Great.
BEN KISSEL
And they close the bars early because some dudes mayor or some kid got fucking punched out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was in Sydney and they are figuring that out. But then the rest of them, honestly we had Ned Kelly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Are they violent enough?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who's a fascinating character. There's a lot of violence. You got the Snowtown murders which we're gonna cover this year.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There is a bunch of stuff. There's a lot of fucked up shit. Wolf Creek is all based off of the real stuff that happens out in the Outback.
BEN KISSEL
I love Wolf Creek.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Australia, after Martin Bryant, they sort of lost their taste for it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not like here, we keep it alive here. We keep true mass violence fresh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we keep it fresh and we keep doing it bigger and better!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
New ways!
BEN KISSEL
Capitalism.
MARCUS PARKS
New ways, new places, new locations. You don't know where it's coming from.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ever.
BEN KISSEL
That's the interesting irony of the human mind. If it continues to happen, don't we forget faster? Indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
That is an interesting irony.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Because what was the last shooting?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Name the last mass shooting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I shot an audition yesterday.
BEN KISSEL
All right, there we go. Via Zoom.
MARCUS PARKS
There we go, via Zoom.
BEN KISSEL
That was improv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Balcombe, that's the bouncy house man, 58, he's 58 years old. Is this a 58 year old's crime?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
It's stupid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
To me it seems like a 43 year old's crime.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know how the guy got busted in three days for burning down a fucking barn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think 43 was when he was a carney.
BEN KISSEL
Could be.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he appeared on Thursday by video link from prison in the county court. And there in court he was jailed for 11 years. The judge Stewart Bayles said that while Balcombe's goal may have been to advance his own business by orchestrating the arson attacks, the damage had extended far beyond that. The judge said quote "it impacted the lives and livelihoods of others, caused significant loss, suffering, and emotional trauma."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See, I love it because they call it there, we call it a bouncy house. They seem to call it a jumping castle.
MARCUS PARKS
A jumping castle, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is that.
BEN KISSEL
It's similar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I'm looking at James Balcombe and I feel like, god, I get it. On some level do I wanna burn down every other podcast studio that exists? Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right.
BEN KISSEL
You do?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well just to make sure that we're the only ones.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Really though because there has to be others so that people can come and say oh that's how it's done.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But see, this is the balance, that's why there's three of us.
MARCUS PARKS
The balance.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If it was just me in charge of it, I could very well see me in the same hands as James Balcombe who definitely looks the fucking part. I am just now looking at him.
BEN KISSEL
He looks like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He looks like...
MARCUS PARKS
He's one of those guys that when he was born they used the forceps on his head that shaped it into a cone and it never went back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He looks like Burt. He's got Burt's fucking haircut but he's blonde.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's sad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's good. But no, that's why there's balance.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's why there's balance. Because that's the thing is that first you said I want to burn down all podcast studios and I said yeah, that sounds great. And then Ben made his argument and that way I got to think about the two opposing sides.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
And then that's when I can decide that no, Ben, you're right, we shouldn't burn down all them.
BEN KISSEL
Also it's almost impossible-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No because then it's too easy for us. We need the challenge of being the number 35 podcast in the world.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. It's almost impossible to find these places because they're recording live from an undisclosed bunker. 3314 Wilson Road in Austin, Texas. We gotta stop giving the address. Guys, we gotta move again.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the judge said that Balcombe was so set on destroying his rivals, he told his burn man to return to businesses when the initial fire only caused minor damage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
One business was targeted three times before the fire was deemed well good enough.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God.
BEN KISSEL
I actually think the man shouldn't be in prison. The burn man should be in prison.
MARCUS PARKS
They're both in prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh they're both in prison.
BEN KISSEL
They're both in?
MARCUS PARKS
They're both in prison, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
How did he hire-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know who needs to get together in a fucking Suicide Squad of fucking evil businessmen is we gotta get this dude, we gotta get Joe Exotic out of prison.
BEN KISSEL
I agree with that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He teams up with Papa John John to break Joe Exotic out of fucking prison. That my friend is the gayest Suicide Squad that could possibly be.
BEN KISSEL
Well then you could do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's gonna be out of bounds.
BEN KISSEL
There's a prison escape right now in Ohio by the way, lock your doors, hide your sons. I dunno what they're incarcerated for. But when it comes to Papa John, garlic butter, maybe the greatest residue to slip right out of jail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What you need to see is the gap's incendiary power of Papa John's garlic butter. It's good, it helps you smulch it down, makes it nice and smooth.
BEN KISSEL
And I know Papa John's issues, yes. But let's fucking not forget, pizza at Papa John's has gone downhill.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gone way downhill.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
And as a matter of fact, on their GrubHub they don't even have a picture of pizza.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's a picture of some pizza fucking sandwich.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's tangential to pizza. Pizza should be centered. Honestly he was the Tony Stark of greased men.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And aggressive. That's why Tony Stark is no longer allowed to do conference calls.
MARCUS PARKS
When I was a delivery driver for Papa John's in the fall of 2001, yeah, that's right, September 11th, I was there, I was on the front lines. I was driving for Papa John.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that real?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait a second.
BEN KISSEL
Who ordered... Hey guys, World Trade Center, did you not want the pizza anymore?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no, I wasn't driving for Papa John's on September 11th but you know what? I was driving on September 12th.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course, that's our truest morning.
BEN KISSEL
So is it okay if I just eat this pizza then? It looks like the building's on fire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How did I not know that you drove for Papa John's?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah dude, I drove for Papa John's back in college, that was my second or third job in college. Yeah, I drove for Papa John's for like a year.
BEN KISSEL
He's mentioned it before.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I'm a Jimmy John's guy, he's a Papa John's guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, I didn't know that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, it's really strange. I did it for a semester until I took a semester off from college radio and then I delivered a pizza to one of the executive staff at the college radio. She paid me in quarters, dimes, and nickels.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
And then while she was counting out all of the quarters, dimes, and nickels, she said you should really come back to the radio station in the spring, we all wondered why you didn't come this fall. And that's why I'm sitting here today.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Seriously. I am 1000% serious that if it was not for Papa John's, this entire podcast would not exist.
BEN KISSEL
Well there you go.
MARCUS PARKS
I wouldn't have gone back into radio.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly I'm so shocked about how central Papa John's has been to our entire show.
BEN KISSEL
I'm telling you, that garlic butter changed the game along with a little peperoncino. I'm just so happy that what you saw wasn't a woman who was obviously borderline homeless, forced to pay with coins.
MARCUS PARKS
She wasn't borderline homeless, she was a fucking-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She was cheap.
MARCUS PARKS
She was cheap, she was a college student. Melanie.
BEN KISSEL
So you saw and you said you know what? I want quarters too. And you got your quarters. And you got your quarters!
MARCUS PARKS
I got my quarters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You were probably making more money as a delivery driver-
BEN KISSEL
Without a doubt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Than working for the radio station.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I made more, once I became Underwriting Director the next semester I actually made more money than I did at Papa John's because people from Lubbock tip for shit. And we also had shittier people, we were the trailer park Papa John's.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Cause that's the thing, you waste 30 minutes trying to find the fucking trailer because none of the goddamn numbers are in order.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I know.
MARCUS PARKS
It's 15, then it's 93, then it's 6, then it's 14. And there's always somebody that's flagging you down because they see the fucking popper on top of the car.
BEN KISSEL
They just want it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They flag you down, they go hi, hi, I ordered that pizza. That's my pizza. And then he gives you fucking 10 bucks and then you get back to the fucking store and they say hey, the guy at fucking Apple Valley trailer park didn't get his fucking pizza. You gotta go back out there, you gotta go back out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It never was.
BEN KISSEL
Didn't get his pizza.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You hear this rage? And you what, I really honestly blame a lot of this rage on 9/11.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I also thing part of this and I cannot believe you didn't use this to go deliver IEDs in Afghanistan.
BEN KISSEL
Indeed, Papa in the house. Or in the trailer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well back to the bouncy house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love this story.
MARCUS PARKS
I love this story so much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because why do you need to set fire to bouncy houses? Don't you need to just pop them?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I was gonna say can't just a needle just...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, with a knife?
MARCUS PARKS
No, that's the thing. They might be able to just order more bouncy houses very quickly. You want to destroy the infrastructure, you want to destroy everything about the bouncy house business.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But for when he gets out and starts doing this again-
BEN KISSEL
He will.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that you should use a knife and basically slice the bottom of the bouncy house overnight. And so when you've already rented it and it opens up, it deflates and then all of a sudden they're all mad at you leaving one star recommendations on it. That's how you properly tank the business.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, in a way.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it is. But most of the time though he was unsuccessful, most of the fires, they just kind of piddled in and out. But for A&A Jumping Castles, the burn man threw a molotov cocktail through the window and that fucker went up in flames.
BEN KISSEL
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Destroyed 110 bouncy houses.
BEN KISSEL
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking shit. It's like Auschwitz.
BEN KISSEL
That is horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
That was $1.4 million in damages.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In bouncy houses?
MARCUS PARKS
In bouncy houses.
BEN KISSEL
That's a lot of bouncy houses.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The couple that owned the place, Michael and Aline Andrew, they had to close their business and they now both work casual jobs in childcare. The insurance didn't cover it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Damn.
BEN KISSEL
What?
MARCUS PARKS
The whole thing went up in flames, totally destroyed these people's lives.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I bet if you do arson on somebody else's business, these insurance companies, they never want to pay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So they see it being arson and I bet you they just flip it to the people who own the business. And they say I bet you said fire your own things. And we're like we're innocent bouncy house magnates!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, they're just bouncy house people. Also now they work in childcare and I'm sure they're fantastic but it does seem like it could be predatory.
MARCUS PARKS
What are you talking about? Who do you think bouncy houses are for?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's what I'm saying.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you gonna do the pedophile thing again where you call everyone pedophiles just because they work with children?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I just don't think he trusts bouncy houses.
MARCUS PARKS
I think...
BEN KISSEL
Come one, come all! I like to see kids bounce. You don't think that people in the bouncy house profession have a slight more inclination to watching children jump?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
No!
BEN KISSEL
Than someone who doesn't have a bouncy house.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I think they just like seeing kids be happy.
BEN KISSEL
1 in 7.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the only sexual play that you're gonna get out of a bouncy house is seeing a woman in a loose tank top bounce up and down.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
No, adults aren't allowed to go in, I've tried.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well you're a special adult.
BEN KISSEL
Also when I was 12 they said 12 year olds could go on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You were 7 feet tall!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah! I was 6"1'.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you were too big.
BEN KISSEL
And they said you can't go on with your friends.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, you're just putting your rage against being born with inhuman bones against the entire world.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You're doing the thing again where you're just calling somebody you don't like a pedophile.
BEN KISSEL
I don't do that!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He doesn't even know if he dislikes the bouncy house.
BEN KISSEL
I'm neutral.
MARCUS PARKS
Well there's a fun little coda to this story, Balcombe, before he was arrested he was charged with 11 counts of conspiracy to commit arson and he was released on bail. But he failed to show up to court for a final directions hearing, his lawyer handed over a fake medical certificate saying oh he's sick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
A warrant was then issued for his arrest and he was found living on the other side of the country, the other side of the continent in Perth, running a fraudulent stamp operation under the name Paul Johnson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. It's just so much harder to run all these scam businesses than to just go get a job.
MARCUS PARKS
I know.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it really is. Also how do you do counterfeit stamps?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
Aren't they government issued?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have no idea. It's Perth.
BEN KISSEL
I don't really understand big stamp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know when we went to Perth?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Do you remember?
BEN KISSEL
I do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's out there, man.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's weird. They call them Perthlings for a reason.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Do you remember the smell?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very strange.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I thought it was a beautiful place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Beautiful city.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a strange place.
BEN KISSEL
A lot of statues.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
There were a lot of statues.
MARCUS PARKS
There were a lot of statues, yeah. But it was the smell.
BEN KISSEL
I don't recall the odor.
MARCUS PARKS
There was an odor amongst a group, a certain group that...
BEN KISSEL
Now he's accusing everybody of being stinky. That's even worse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's saying the people in Perth-
BEN KISSEL
Are you talking about our fans?
MARCUS PARKS
No, there was an odor amongst one group.
BEN KISSEL
Of our fans.
MARCUS PARKS
During the meet and greet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They already apologized!
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god. Oh my god! Please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got those emails that were like sorry for being the smelly Perthlings.
BEN KISSEL
They were just people from Perth.
MARCUS PARKS
They were. I'm not saying it's bad, I'm just saying it was unlike any smell I've ever encountered in my life.
BEN KISSEL
I don't even remember.
MARCUS PARKS
It was unique.
BEN KISSEL
Manual labor.
MARCUS PARKS
Highly unique.
BEN KISSEL
Hardworking Perthlings.
MARCUS PARKS
You know how nothing smells like patchouli? It's sort of like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It was like that, it was a patchouli-like scent.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Hippity dippity, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man, it's a different kind of crowd, man.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They rub all sorts of crystals on their sides.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Next up, let's come back to America for the next story.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
To Indiana. They're lifting their ban on throwing stars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! Finally!
BEN KISSEL
Out of all the issues in Indiana, I'm surprised they took the time to ban them in the first place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't believe they're finally lessening some of these horrible, horrible anti ninja loss.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I hope that starts a wave of this country to bring the ninja back because-
BEN KISSEL
I love a good ninja.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's another attacked class.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is. Anti ninja legislation really has been a problem in this country.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's out of control.
BEN KISSEL
I am just super excited for the big, and I say this with love, doughy fat Midwestern fuck who now can throw his ninja stars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love ninja stars.
BEN KISSEL
Because they're gonna be so funny. There's nothing better than a chunky ninja.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love-
BEN KISSEL
They are funny, they're fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Love.
BEN KISSEL
And you know if you can be sneaky and chubby, that is pretty impressive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Basically if you guys see guys that are professional dart players, you can tell if you watch their whole bodies, a lot of times me shaped, right?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Professional dart players, it's great.
BEN KISSEL
Love a good dart player.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the best sport for a pot belly.
BEN KISSEL
Sure. Cornhole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because what it is is the movement actually starts with your toes and then you start a wave across your body that ripples through your body up to the arm, snaps it, boom, dart flies across the room.
MARCUS PARKS
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Throwing stars, same muscle.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like to be a pro, it's the same thing. It's like a bowler. It's a drinking man's professional sport.
BEN KISSEL
Also why can't we have throwing star, fuck the darts, throwing star boards.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
At your local bar.
MARCUS PARKS
oh at your local bar, that's...
BEN KISSEL
You have to trust your clientele.
MARCUS PARKS
Well actually where this is coming from, this is actually coming from the lobby that does involve a fair amount of drinking depending on where these businesses operate, comes from the ax throwing lobby. Big ax throwing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to diversify.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're trying to diversify.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And it was actually a senator named Linda Rogers who pushed for the legislation. She approves of the final version, she said no matter what type of recreational activity, you want to make sure there's safety precautions in place. And she said that she knows these businesses will certainly make sure that that's the case.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is she from the Monster energy drink lobbying association?
BEN KISSEL
Next they're gonna bring back lawn darts. That will be fun. Those stuck in a bunch of kids' heads.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude, my grandpa had lawn darts and that was awesome. They were deadly as fuck.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. They're very dangerous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Very dangerous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was so powerful the throw of true javelin at 9 years old.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I remember when we went to the renaissance fair just a few weeks ago, they did have a full, like they had ax throwing and they had throwing star throwing, I remember that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right here there's a sake bar, there's a throwing star range, that is real.
BEN KISSEL
Ooh, that is fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's an American bar that is ninja themed sake bar-
MARCUS PARKS
Where is it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In San Bernardino.
BEN KISSEL
San Bernardino!
MARCUS PARKS
Oh shit. San Berdoo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll see if it's still open. But yeah, right here. Look, you can see it has the... Oh no, this is just I clicked on a funny fake video of a ninja throwing a throwing star into a man who is unsuspecting. This is from American Ninja II.
BEN KISSEL
Near the Brooklyn Brewery there in Brooklyn, they have a bar where you can throw the ax. And I tried to do it and you know you throw it once and then that's it, you're good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta do it right.
BEN KISSEL
You don't. But I didn't. And then it's just like I don't know, I don't wanna throw it again.
MARCUS PARKS
I did it at a ren faire back in like 2008.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I didn't get it. I didn't understand.
BEN KISSEL
It's not that fun.
MARCUS PARKS
I didn't really understand what the appeal of it was.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I'd rather do? I wish that there was a bar concept where you'd go and line up, like you know how Home Depot has the window kind of set up?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they give you a cinder block.
BEN KISSEL
That's fucking awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you just throw it through. Call it like Riot Bar.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you get to do all that stuff that you do in a riot but you get it out of your system.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
You'd call it Defenestrators.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that'd be cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I love it, man. Absolutely fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well the guy that's behind this or the guy that really is very excited about it and is talking to the press about it, his name is Ryan Gustin. He owns the Flying Squirrel Ax Throwing and Speedway. He said we get people coming in everyday asking us about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everyday. Just trying to find a way to get rid of these throwing stars.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he's planning to start a throwing star league after Indiana lifts its ban.
BEN KISSEL
Hey, do you guys have throwing stars that I could throw or...? Just axes, huh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy looks like a human throwing star. Like if you look at him. Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I could see him, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is a white ninja. I love a white ninja.
BEN KISSEL
There you go. He's definitely got some alternative medicine.
MARCUS PARKS
Very much so, very much so. Yeah. But one more thing about the throwing stars, they will however be dulled, the sharp edges will be dulled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why?
BEN KISSEL
Well what's the point then?
MARCUS PARKS
You can have points but not knife edges.
BEN KISSEL
Why not just throw rocks then? How is it supposed to stick to the... I don't get it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
It can be pointy. Like because right now-
BEN KISSEL
Do you trust me or not, state of Indiana?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought you just made this legal.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Basically what they legalized was a piece of metal in the shape of a star.
BEN KISSEL
This is the Delta 8 of weapons. And it's worse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's so much worse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just make it either do one or the other.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god, Indiana.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't believe this kind of fucking governmental control. We need to go to the Capitol.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need to take this whole system down.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh no, that's what Gustin says he's gonna do. That's what he says he's gonna do. But the legislation-
BEN KISSEL
Well I'm not going to Gustin's fucking place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, fuck him.
MARCUS PARKS
This is very Indiana. When the legislation was first proposed this session, all they wanted was to just have it recreational businesses. But house lawmakers broadened the bill before signing it into law allowing them in quote "almost any environment".
BEN KISSEL
Great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at these guys.
BEN KISSEL
This is great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at the guys from the Anarchy Ax Throwing Championship. These guys are just... I love...
MARCUS PARKS
It's a bowler's body seen in the ax throwing community.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is a bowler's body, man.
BEN KISSEL
Everyone's gotta find a community of their own, don't they?
MARCUS PARKS
They do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How many of the Shuriken community do you think was at January 6th?
BEN KISSEL
Oh man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How many white ninjas were there?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
There's a crossover. But you know what? I actually don't think many, they're going with more Celtic-style violence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure, sure, sure.
BEN KISSEL
Because they've ruined Thor and other fantastic mythos.
MARCUS PARKS
They very much have.
BEN KISSEL
But they're attempting to but we won't let them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We won't let them take it.
MARCUS PARKS
No, not at all. Well for our last story, let's go back to Australia.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
New South Wales' new police minister has spoken out after being accused of being missing in action after a cop tasered a 95 year old great grandmother.
BEN KISSEL
Give that guy a purple heart. And what did this woman do to deserve a tasering?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think COVID did give him a purple heart.
MARCUS PARKS
Well first of all she has dementia, she weighs 95 lbs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
BEN KISSEL
Good lord.
MARCUS PARKS
She had been holding a steak knife when she slowly approached the police officer at the Yallambee Lodge.
BEN KISSEL
Oh good lord.
MARCUS PARKS
And senior constable Christian White, 33, blasted a taser on Mrs. Nowland, prompting her to collapse to the ground, knock her head, and suffer a bleed to the brain. She is receiving end of life care in hospital.
BEN KISSEL
No!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You can't taser her.
BEN KISSEL
What the fuck?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, you can't.
MARCUS PARKS
She's 95 lbs, 5'2", 95 years old. You can't taser her.
BEN KISSEL
You know the only person that could taser me is Michelle Pfeiffer when she was Catwoman.
MARCUS PARKS
That was good.
BEN KISSEL
Remember that? She kissed the person with the taser.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
So this guy had a projectile taser.
MARCUS PARKS
He had a projectile taser.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he didn't even have the balls to do a close up taser.
BEN KISSEL
To get close.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He shot her from afar because she was approaching like one of the creatures from It Follows?
MARCUS PARKS
She was slowly shuffling towards him with the steak knife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, are you cake? I saw that show where everything is cake.
BEN KISSEL
Everything is freaking cake. Instagram is full of cake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then wow. Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't tase me, grandson!
BEN KISSEL
There was another case of a 93 year old in Texas who got tased. We gotta stop, these old people don't need to be tased!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do feel like the cops are like well I didn't shoot them. I could have beaten them with the stick.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know if they have guns in Australia as far as the cops go, I don't recall seeing them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I remember the cops having guns, they just don't have automatic weapons.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And you know with that old of a lady, you could have just grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her down.
BEN KISSEL
You could do what those Russians did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A flying knee honestly takes out a woman. You could throw a head of lettuce at her and she'd fall down.
MARCUS PARKS
Or you just back away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pull the carpet out.
MARCUS PARKS
Trick her into going into the bathroom. Lock her in. Wait until she calms down.
BEN KISSEL
So many things you can do. All you gotta do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just tire her out like she's an alpaca that got out of the zoo.
BEN KISSEL
So what's gonna happen to this cop? I don't think he should have a badge anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he absolutely shouldn't. No, he's on administrative leave.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's thinking real hard about what he's done.
BEN KISSEL
Good.
MARCUS PARKS
The woman was 94 lbs, 5'2". Guess this guy's size.
BEN KISSEL
6'7", 325 lbs of pure American male. Even though he's Australian.
MARCUS PARKS
6'1", 300 lbs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Holy fucking shit.
BEN KISSEL
You know to be honest though, that is the size of a man who is too lazy to take down a grandma. Because that's 6'1", 300. He's round.
MARCUS PARKS
That's big.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you not think that maybe we've just given this guy 1000 lbs too much credit? But he's like my hands are too strong. I can't use my hands on the woman because I'll break her brittle bones. So I use science's gentle lulling call of electricity.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the thing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I set it to low, I set it to simmer.
BEN KISSEL
Can you set it to different settings?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Probably.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because especially you've seen those guys. Remember that one story, it was like have you ever seen that viral video that was the guy that was like roided out and then the the cops shoot him with the projectile stunners and it's zap-zap-zap-zap. And then the guy just stands there and he goes I'm coming for you, son.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they just go and they-
BEN KISSEL
That's scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's great. You should look up that video, you'd love it.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
You do not have control over the strength of a taser.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought you'd set it to warm or you'd set it to stun.
MARCUS PARKS
No. No, you don't have stun or kill or anything like that.
BEN KISSEL
That's Batman, that's Batman's utility belt.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That's Star Trek.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like there's a market for this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I agree. There should be levels of shock that one gets.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Not everybody gets the same.
MARCUS PARKS
Old lady.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, old lady.
BEN KISSEL
Old lady setting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Old lady setting, where it's mostly just like saying girls are wearing pants now.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? It's shock and then she just like falls down.
BEN KISSEL
That's a good thing, you can just scream that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, say a bunch of stuff, being like they eat ass now! Do you know what eating ass is, great grandma?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah she does.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then she'd be like no! No!
BEN KISSEL
That's one of the biggest myths of all time, these old people are perverted.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Oh that old people don't have sex?
BEN KISSEL
Oh they have sex all the time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To be honest I feel like they're sexing each other but I don't know if they're like rimming each other.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I think that they do. I think that they have done it all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I make it to 85, I'm retiring from eating ass.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, okay.
BEN KISSEL
Analingus.
MARCUS PARKS
Analingus. He's retiring age 85.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Well what the big controversy in Australia is right now though, of course everyone's shocked that, well excuse the pun, over the use of this taser on the grandma.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
But what everyone's really mad about is that the police commissioner, a woman named Karen Webb, has declined to release the footage. Not only has she declined to release the footage, she says that she won't even watch the bodycam footage of the incident.
BEN KISSEL
Wait, she's gotta watch it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She has to watch it.
MARCUS PARKS
She says she won't. She says that the investigation isn't gonna go any faster if she watches it or not. She just doesn't want to, so she's not gonna.
BEN KISSEL
It will go faster because she'll have evidence to see what actually happened.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's me like not watching the Oscars because I don't want them to exist. But they do.
MARCUS PARKS
Right. They do.
BEN KISSEL
They do. Well not for much longer. But the nice thing is... Okay, if they did release it, what are we seeing here?
MARCUS PARKS
You're seeing-
BEN KISSEL
An old woman getting tased.
MARCUS PARKS
A old woman getting tased, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I kind of like it left up to the imagination. Because I could just see like zzzzzz and then she'll be like ah! Kind of funny. Cause I think in real life it's very sad.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be funnier in your imagination absolutely.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Because I'm actually for some reason picturing an elderly Bugs Bunny in a dress getting tased.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know why.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's what I see. I don't need to see an old woman suffering.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I looked up do elderly people eat ass? And then this came up. "A woman's areas turn me on when they lie on their stomach, legs spread, ass in the air. I hear dinner bells. Nothing better than soaking wet pussy dripping down to a tight ass, better than cake. Sticking two fingers in the G-spot, rubbing the clit, tongue in ass, usually leads to orgasms for her, me as well. A woman's body is like the greatest playground. If it means better orgasm for the girl then I'm willing to do whatever she wants."
BEN KISSEL
And that was an older person that wrote that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I mean it's misspelled.
BEN KISSEL
It could be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It says Brian O'Regan, former freaky lesbian feminist.
BEN KISSEL
All right, well there you go. Isn't that absolutely fantastic?
MARCUS PARKS
And they've answered 499 questions on Quora.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They really have.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they answered questions such as I saw my husband licking my daughter's butt, should I confront him?
BEN KISSEL
Ugh. What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why does my husband insist that he wants to lick my butt? My boyfriend has been rimming my butthole recently and he loves it. Is it weird?
BEN KISSEL
The first one is really the only problem.
MARCUS PARKS
Was it I saw my daughter rimming my husband or I saw my husband rimming my daughter?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, my husband licking my daughter's butt. Are there any ass licking pictures available?
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just a prompt.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. There are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It just says are there any ass licking pictures available?
MARCUS PARKS
Available? Well you'd think you don't have to go to Quora for that, you'd think you can google that first.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. And there are a lot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My husband licks my vagina and anus after I'm done urinating or defecating before letting me wash. Is there anything wrong? I really enjoy it and love him to the core for that.
BEN KISSEL
Sure. Just have fun. Why are you on Quora?
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm here now.
MARCUS PARKS
I got some news. Friday, I'm getting my bidet installed.
BEN KISSEL
All right. There we go, very nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Never go hungry again!
BEN KISSEL
No, no. Don't drink it. No.
MARCUS PARKS
And Henry, I got the same one you got.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, buddy!
MARCUS PARKS
I got the one that opens up and says gimme gimme.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, big boy. Got lunch?
MARCUS PARKS
Except I think mine's gonna be like hey big boy, I think it's time for you to come over here and give me a little bit of sandwich.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Grumble grumble, time for breakfast.
BEN KISSEL
I want my toilet to sound like Keith Morrison. Friday, 2pm. I love Keith Morrison. Keith Morrison, Morgan Freeman. Who would you rather have as the god voice in your head?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Keith Morrison because Morgan Freeman was having sex with his granddaughter.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not true.
BEN KISSEL
There you go, you idiot!
MARCUS PARKS
You're perpetuating a myth.
BEN KISSEL
He's perpetuating a myth, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
You're perpetuating a myth.
BEN KISSEL
See? Now Marcus yelled at both of us.
MARCUS PARKS
You're perpetuating slander, sir.
BEN KISSEL
Perpetuating slander.
MARCUS PARKS
Perpetuating slander.
BEN KISSEL
I'm gonna go with Morgan Freeman then.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He had a sexual relationship with his step-granddaughter.
BEN KISSEL
Step by step, oh baby. All right everyone. Is that it?
MARCUS PARKS
That's it. Other than the guy who got hit by a car after he helped a bunch of baby ducks across the road and an 11 year old saw it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, that's sad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Teaches you to fucking not watch your own goddamn back, you can't keep your head on a swivel.
BEN KISSEL
No, he's a victim, it's very sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he's not a victim.
BEN KISSEL
He is.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he crossed the street when he shouldn't have and he got hit by a teenager. And that teenager is now traumatized because she killed a guy. And she was not at fault at all, he was crossing the street without looking.
BEN KISSEL
He was helping ducks.
MARCUS PARKS
He was more concerned with helping baby ducks and now a girl now has to live with a death on her conscience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe he needs to think about why some husbands are licking their daughter's butt and whether they need to actually do anything to intervene.
BEN KISSEL
That's a problem. Ugh. All right, everyone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, this was a good light week. But you guys gotta know, we are heading deep into historical territory over the next couple of weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
A massive historical story. And I'm just gonna give you one hint, 20th century history.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
20th century history.
BEN KISSEL
20th century.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very important to where we are now in America. There's a lot of interesting characters, a lot of fucked up stuff. Actually a lot of it's quite sad.
BEN KISSEL
Isn't that fun? Well that's right, we'll be discussing the rise of the TV dinner and how the microwave changed the American family forever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It brought them together but yet it tore them apart.
BEN KISSEL
It really did, didn't it? Okay everyone, thank you so much for listening. That's it. Hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein!
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail me, dirty old fuckers.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This was good and loose.
BEN KISSEL
Fun!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Good and loose, that's fun. That's why we gotta do these true crime roundups, I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I agree.