HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do like the GILFS, it's nice. But the shoes, that's all it sends me is a mixture of all that. And now it's a lot of, thank you to Fernando, my entire algorithm is people cooking isopods.
BEN KISSEL
Dude, I had dreams about isopods last night. Legitimately isopod dreams. It was so fucking weird. But I wasn't scared of them. I hated them. I hated them when I saw them but in the dream I was kinda fine with them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate them. I hate isopods.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're the worst.
BEN KISSEL
I'm working through it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you got to. Well it's the juice. You ever seen an isopod cooked?
BEN KISSEL
They do eat them.
MARCUS PARKS
There's this horrible brown juice that comes out of them when you cut them open.
PATTON OSWALT
No, lord!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are we recording? Are we recording?
BEN KISSEL
All right, there you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Patton, you've never seen isopod licka?
PATTON OSWALT
No.
BEN KISSEL
No.
PATTON OSWALT
I'm still getting over the news you just told me before we started recording that the chief suspect in the Tylenol poisonings just passed away, yes?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
What was his name?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
At the young age of 76 years old and he died a free man.
PATTON OSWALT
God.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the luckiest bomber of all time.
BEN KISSEL
James Lewis.
PATTON OSWALT
James Lewis. All of our Gen X heroes, this is when they start dying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
BEN KISSEL
That's what it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
PATTON OSWALT
We're gonna start losing them. So now he's gone. So how many Rolling Stones are left? Two?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think so.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Two Beatles are left. Two guys from The Who, two Zeppelins.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
PATTON OSWALT
Dylan's still hanging in there. But we lost Lewis.
BEN KISSEL
Hard names when you're in a band as you get older with dementia, The Who, they literally will just be asking.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Then Rolling Stones, they're gonna be in wheelchairs very soon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kissel, yes!
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, he's on fire. Welcome to the show everyone.
PATTON OSWALT
Yay.
BEN KISSEL
Last Podcast on the Left. Ben hanging out with Henry and Marcus, plus a special guest today. He's world renowned, you know him, I don't even gotta give fricking credits, it's Patton Oswalt. Thank you so much for being here, Patton.
PATTON OSWALT
I am beep beep beep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
He's got a new book coming out June 20th, it's gonna be with Dark Horse. It's called Minor Threats.
PATTON OSWALT
Well it's coming out July 12th.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's out now.
PATTON OSWALT
It's actually out today.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I purchased.
BEN KISSEL
I got a wrong email.
PATTON OSWALT
No, no.
BEN KISSEL
Someone's getting fired. Someone's getting fired. That's what the email says.
PATTON OSWALT
It's okay. That was one, there were a couple of comic shops that did get it on June 20th. That's right.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, boom.
PATTON OSWALT
But it goes wide today, as we're recording, we're recording this on July 12th.
BEN KISSEL
And you're with one of the widest podcasts that's ever existed.
PATTON OSWALT
And I'm with... Physically or like-
BEN KISSEL
Physically, yes.
PATTON OSWALT
Physically wide. By the way, oh god this is embarrassing, I performed at the Black Cat in DC, this is years ago, with The Comedians of Comedy, me and Zach.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yes, of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
The Black Cat, along with the 9:30 Club, one of my hometown music clubs growing up, not that I ever really got to go there because I didn't have a car.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
But we did our show and the place was packed to the walls. And I'm backstage, sorta trying to, I'm doing the passive aggressive humblebrag thing with the manager.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Like wow, we really packed the place out, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, look at this.
PATTON OSWALT
I'm wanting him to say like yeah, you sold out, so I can go I sold out the Black Cat in DC.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And he goes yeah, you did really well. And I go well I mean you couldn't move in there.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it was almost like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it was like ugh.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh no, he goes it was definitely packed, it was packed. And I go well I mean it was definitely sold out. He goes well I mean you know when it's packed, it holds about 1000 people. And you sold 850 tickets. And I was like I'm sorry, no, I mean we sold way more. You could not move in the place.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
And he goes well we do a lot of like punk shows and those fans... Your fans are like... And he did that motion like they're just fists. And so we could only fit 850 people.
BEN KISSEL
You know what? That fucking counts. And I'm so sick of us being like ticket sales based upon individuals that purchased, it needs to be based upon weight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude, by weight of audience.
PATTON OSWALT
I want it by BMI index, that's all I want. Hang on, BMI index is-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a fallacy.
PATTON OSWALT
No, that's not a fallacy, it's redundancy because BMI is body mass index. I want it by BMI measurement.
BEN KISSEL
Well it's a good thing you corrected that.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
All right. Well today we got ourselves after 6 weeks of the Manhattan Project, we are just gonna do a nice palate cleanser which is probably also gonna be disgusting.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My brain is flappy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We've been talking about all the horrible things we've learned about America for the last like month and a half.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh boy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it just keeps going. And why stop?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Why stop now?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Today we're doing our Relaxed Fit True Crime Roundup, so this is the time to let out your belt.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I see we all have softer pants on.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh it's a soft pant day.
PATTON OSWALT
Soft pant.
BEN KISSEL
Also if you have a Jeep, be careful, people are putting rubber ducks on them. I read that article in the Wall Street Journal. Why America getting so dumb? Literally it was an article in the Wall Street Journal about if you have a Jeep, people are putting ducks on it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have no idea what you're talking about.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know either! I read the article!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's so scared.
BEN KISSEL
The Wall Street Journal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's so scared.
PATTON OSWALT
Wall Street Journal. We've got limited column space, guys. Well my Jeep duck story's gotta run.
BEN KISSEL
It's gotta run!
PATTON OSWALT
My Jeep, you know, you tell those people in the submersible that imploded it can wait til Wednesday. My Jeep duck story is going in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whatever Brandon William Hearst gets is what he gets.
MARCUS PARKS
Well we're leaving America for this first story and we're gonna be going to London. A man accused of carrying out castrations on other men and broadcasting the footage on his eunuch maker website has appeared in court.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh man, and everyone applauded.
BEN KISSEL
Well obviously the first question is did these people volunteer to have their genitals cut off?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah. Volunteering?
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely volunteers, every single one of them.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
PATTON OSWALT
Well then let the man cook.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? How is this a crime?
PATTON OSWALT
Why is he in court?
MARCUS PARKS
Marius Gustavson, 45, along with 8 others is alleged to have performed extreme body modifications including the removal of penises and testicles. The procedures were filmed and uploaded to the website he ran and subscribers would pay to watch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So far great, monetize.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't see the issue.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I don't see the issue. It's great for the ball jar company.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Literally fill it with balls.
PATTON OSWALT
Although it was weird that one of their sponsors was BlueChew. That was a little bit weird.
BEN KISSEL
Well it's just ridiculous what they're doing nowadays.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. That's just not good branding right there. You gotta find your audience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also think it's cheating.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You should have to do it soft.
BEN KISSEL
What am I gonna do with all these dick and balls? What a day for this guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Gustavson who is originally from Norway is-
PATTON OSWALT
There's a shock. He's from a weird Scandinavian country? And he's cutting off people's balls and dicks? Oh my god, wait, no, say it ain't so!
BEN KISSEL
Hey Patton, you're a really funny comedian. What about if he was from Russia and the dick and balls cut you off?
PATTON OSWALT
In Russia.
BEN KISSEL
That's pretty good, huh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good. Thank you, Kissel.
MARCUS PARKS
Gustavson is said to have been the ringleader in a wide ranging conspiracy involving up to 29 offenses of extreme body modification, the removal of body parts, the trade in body parts, and the uploading of videos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now it seems to be the UK has an entirely different vibe about all of this stuff.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we were talking about before the show-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So they're all being charged for, was it GBH, right?
MARCUS PARKS
GBH. Grievous bodily harm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Grievous bodily harm, which I believe in America you are allowed to not charge somebody for grievous bodily harm. Like if you go-
BEN KISSEL
Well if they volunteer for it.
PATTON OSWALT
If you volunteer for it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you volunteer for it.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It seems like here in this court or in this system, sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com if you can explain it to me at all, they go in there and they're basically saying well if you're cutting somebody's dicks and balls off, that's not right.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not right.
BEN KISSEL
First of all-
PATTON OSWALT
It's not done.
BEN KISSEL
Who are they to tell you? What magistrate has the right to tell you if you can castrate yourself or not? Are they happy afterwards?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh absolutely. All of these-
BEN KISSEL
So I truly don't see the problem. The only issue I can see is the interstate travel, the selling or the shipping of genitals and cocks.
PATTON OSWALT
Well what are the genitals, where are they being sent to?
BEN KISSEL
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
Certain people buy them, certain people auction-
PATTON OSWALT
For what?
MARCUS PARKS
Collection. I mean what do you collect?
BEN KISSEL
I like taxidermy. I do funny taxidermy with fish.
PATTON OSWALT
There you go.
BEN KISSEL
And I give them big balls.
PATTON OSWALT
Let me tell you something, the kids that go to puppet shows are very jaded, they need something new. They're not easy to thrill the way they used to.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's puppetry with the penis.
BEN KISSEL
You've seen that cock on Kermit. I was like why are they adding it? What are they doing to our kids?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Patton, you've been around like the true crime world in and out.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you dealt with people who sell serial killer memorabilia or just macabre memorabilia across the board?
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. I have very much, I know people who do. I've also, there used to be a place on Vermont back in the day called Mondo Video A-Go-Go and they had plenty of serial killer tchotchkes on the wall.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Paintings. There is a place called the Museum of, I believe it's called the Museum of Horrors or something. It's down in... I was filming in, oh my god, Savannah, Georgia. And there's an amazing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's like the most haunted city in America.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. Well I will say that's a crazy haunted city. There are so many ghost crime craziness tours, a couple of which I took and was genuinely blown away at the level of depravity.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Not just historical depravity, kind of recent stuff that had gone on.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah. Why, what happened in Savannah, Georgia?
PATTON OSWALT
But there is a case, and maybe you guys have covered it and I'm only giving you the bare bones because a lot of this I blocked out. But there was a kid, it was a young guy who was like a drug dealer and was trying to buy drugs off of this guy and the guy either didn't have the drugs or didn't have the money that he wanted. So he killed him and burned him to death. And it was completely dead to rights. But his parents were crazy rich and powerful in the area.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
This was in the 70s. And completely got him off. And he walked around just free, everyone knowing you dismembered and burned a guy to death.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And then he opened up restaurants and each of their names were, one was called like The Inferno.
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow, he leaned it.
PATTON OSWALT
It was almost like a fuck you. And one of them was still open and they showed it to me and was like and that's the guy, like the guy is still alive, still has his place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You see him out there grilling stuff, like big cook's hat on.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. It's this weird like I can do whatever I want.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And it was also this unspoken thing, this is the late 70s, early 80s, of like he only killed a drug dealer.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it doesn't matter.
PATTON OSWALT
He tortured and burned... Like beyond.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
The guy is clearly insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
PATTON OSWALT
And now he's running restaurants.
BEN KISSEL
To be fair, most chefs are insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of Italian places.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
That season three of The Bear by the way...
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Well Bar Rescue is really dark these days.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It really is.
BEN KISSEL
It's really getting dark.
PATTON OSWALT
I just stabbed him in the chest! Yes, chef.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, chef.
PATTON OSWALT
Okay, I'm burning him up. Yes, chef!
BEN KISSEL
I would rather be burned to death though than burned sort of to be left alive just a little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Complete it.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Complete it. Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Finish the job, please!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait, in those memorabilia stories, a lot of times I feel I've seen a lot of... The idea of chasing down human remains and trying to figure out where they are properly sourced.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh boy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's extremely difficult. We cover it on Side Stories all the time. People just sell illegal human body parts 24/7.
PATTON OSWALT
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So dicks and balls in a jar actually sounds like merch.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
It is. yeah, it is. And there's also like a big trade. Again, there are a lot of genuinely horrible Holocaust deniers out there but there are some people, it's not that they're denying the Holocaust, they are trying to expose the charlatans that are selling fake Holocaust memorabilia.
MARCUS PARKS
You mean like fake lampshades made of human skin and stuff like that?
PATTON OSWALT
Seriously, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
There's a huge market which is so fucking creepy.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
PATTON OSWALT
And also it muddles the record because then if you have enough fake stuff out there, then the actual Holocaust denying assholes can go see it's all fake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So you gotta nip that shit in the bud.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait a second, Rob, can you actually cancel what we got for Patton? Because we were gonna thank you for being on the show.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. How much time is left on that eBay auction? Yeah, we're gonna withdraw.
BEN KISSEL
I will say, the world's smallest violin or in my case a normal sized violin for the person who is upset that his lampshade made of human skin was fake. I was told it was really Jewish skin! Sorry, buddy.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Whatever.
PATTON OSWALT
And again, it's the line from Raising Arizona. Man, they oughta sell tickets. I'd buy one! There is people out there... And look, I'm not even judging them because I'm absolutely drawn to all that shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
I'm drawn to all that shit, that is in me too. But there has to be a moment where you look at yourself and go what am I...
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Ooh, is there footage of that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got cut off. Both self and then my wife asked me gently, just being like let's not have any more serial killer memorabilia in the home.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The pieces I have were given to me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Right, right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So at least I never, I will say I've never spent money.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it is a whole market and it's just crazy how... Because Marcus loves human bones.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh lord.
MARCUS PARKS
And I actually am in possession of quite a few human...
BEN KISSEL
He does.
MARCUS PARKS
Like I have a human collarbone, I have some skull fragments.
PATTON OSWALT
Where were these sourced?
MARCUS PARKS
The collarbone, you know it's funny, I don't remember.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh great, good. Not disturbing at all.
MARCUS PARKS
Someone just handed me a collarbone at a live show and they were like yeah, this is a human collarbone. And then you meet so many people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
You meet so many people.
MARCUS PARKS
And they tell you so many stories.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't be chasing all these waterfalls.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I do know thought that all of the human skull fragments that I have, those are plague victims that have been dug up over the years in various English archeological expeditions.
PATTON OSWALT
Can we go back to you're at a live show?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Because a lot of performers are having stuff thrown at them these days.
BEN KISSEL
I've noticed that.
PATTON OSWALT
I just hope that you don't have a pelvic bone tossed at you while you're saying your goodnights.
BEN KISSEL
To be fair, I think the audience is very respectful of the bones.
MARCUS PARKS
They are.
BEN KISSEL
We've received vials of blood.
PATTON OSWALT
Jesus!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
We've received somebody's father's ashes which I thought was a little creepy.
MARCUS PARKS
I still have the ashes of Phillip Melon, it's in a tiny-
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
It's in an airplane bottle of vodka and it has the name Phillip Melon written on its side.
PATTON OSWALT
Didn't someone just throw their mother's ashes at Pink at a concert?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness, I don't want that.
PATTON OSWALT
They threw their mother's ashes at Pink and their ashes got on her.
BEN KISSEL
Really?
PATTON OSWALT
There's footage of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you think that... You actually believe an artist is responsible enough to properly dispose of your mother's ashes, you are incorrect.
PATTON OSWALT
She's gonna go take a shower in the day room and that's it. And then your mom's gonna haunt the green room at the Citibank Center, that's it. That's all that's gonna happen.
BEN KISSEL
Perhaps that's what she always wanted to do.
PATTON OSWALT
Maybe, wow.
BEN KISSEL
Let's get back to the cock and balls in London.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, see how you feel about that when you're watching The Polyphonic Spree getting changed in between shows. Bunch of sweaty hippies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just see someone like-
BEN KISSEL
Oh man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How do they go on tour with this many people?
MARCUS PARKS
Well the GBH charges include the removal of a man's penis, the clamping of another's testicles, and the freezing of a leg which required amputation. And the freezing of the leg, I've seen that a lot in various amputation fetish communities. What they do is they actually freeze, they use dry ice to freeze the leg completely.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh like liquid nitrogen?
MARCUS PARKS
Liquid nitrogen, yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yikes!
MARCUS PARKS
And then they just like tap, tap, tap it off and then it's gone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's gotta fucking hurt.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh there's a whole, I believe it's either Japanese or Korean movie called Men Behind the Sun which is about-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh of course. Unit 731. Ugh.
PATTON OSWALT
All of these horrific, yeah, experiments that were done. And one part of it was the freezing the arms and then just snapping them off. Awful, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Dude, that is one of the nastiest movies I have ever seen.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Also I think-
MARCUS PARKS
The pressure chamber.
BEN KISSEL
The pressure chamber. I think about it all the time.
MARCUS PARKS
Me too.
BEN KISSEL
My goodness. But I would just put the leg outside the window of the Snowpiercer. That would be good.
PATTON OSWALT
But the people again, they sign up for this stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
They do sign up for this stuff, yeah. And that's kind of the legal gray area that they're in there.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
But on the other hand, it's a legal gray area everywhere else but it seems like in England it's very cut and dry. There's so many guys-
PATTON OSWALT
No pun unintended.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
PATTON OSWALT
Sorry. It was sitting right there, am I not gonna-
BEN KISSEL
Cut and dry ice.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, cut and dry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I feel like they just have a lot more, how do you put it? In the UK they're a little bit more... Their ickiness toward certain societal aspects, they put it into their legal system.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I think it also, and I'm just speculating here, this might also have to do with the fact that they have socialized healthcare. So if people are injuring themselves, if people are cutting-
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They become kind of wards of the state.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're gunking up the system.
MARCUS PARKS
They're gunking up the system. But here in America, you do that to yourself, you just get tossed off to the side of the road and we don't gotta worry about you no more.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
Also I think England has a much, much longer history and I'm sure that it has psychically scarred a lot of them even on a DNA epigenic level of mutilation and torture and real horrors just within the city itself. I was very lucky to have a very deep kind of exclusive tour of the Tower of London. And if you ever go to England, it sounds very touristy, go visit the Tower of London.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
It is fucking fascinating. That place was basically Abu Ghraib during Victorian Times in the middle of the city.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I better go.
PATTON OSWALT
And oh my fucking god, the shit they would do there to people. When you went in there, you didn't come out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Would that be where they would put you in the pit and then basically you were in the bottom of a toilet for the rest of your life?
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. Yes.
BEN KISSEL
I don't like it.
PATTON OSWALT
And why are you in the Tower of London? Queen was in a bad mood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
And just sent people there. And it had nothing to do with... Like Sir Walter Raleigh was in the fucking Tower of London because he bored her one day. All right, take him to the tower.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god, you better start licking her fucking toes or something.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
As soon as she looks remotely close, you better-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(trumpeting)
BEN KISSEL
Whatever you have to do.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, there's all the spot where they beheaded people, here's where King Henry killed all... You know, it's just fucking nuts.
BEN KISSEL
Well Marcus and Henry had a chance to tour the church in Edinburgh where they used to-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Greyfriars.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. In the mornings they would behead and then they would just go on with the service.
PATTON OSWALT
Fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They basically had an outdoor concentration camp in the 1600s.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just chained up a bunch of people in a field and let them die there.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then it became extremely, extremely haunted.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then what they did, they ran out of room for the bodies. So what they would do is dig them out, they would dig everything out, they would smash up bones and stuff, all these people, the first layer of bodies that just died there, and then they'd drop them like 20 ft under and then put the old bodies back on top to the point where something like 250,000 bodies were inside of this cemetery. And then they wanted to redo the city but they needed to move the cemetery. So they dug it all up and then used the remnants of the bones that were in that cemetery to build half of New Edinburgh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And of course they-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So if you look in Edinburgh and you see all the walls, like all the stones and you see white flecks in the stones, it's literally human bones which is why that place is what it is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's very haunted because they moved the tombstones but they didn't move the bodies.
PATTON OSWALT
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, they made the bodies into an escalator.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Literally it's a city built on bones, it's freaking horrifying.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's awesome.
PATTON OSWALT
Fuck.
MARCUS PARKS
Well here's the little twist when it comes to the eunuch maker.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
When the eunuch maker himself appeared in court, he was in a wheelchair.
PATTON OSWALT
Doo doo doo doo, doo doo, doo wah! The Eunuch Maker!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hello, hi, yes!
PATTON OSWALT
(singing) It doesn't matter what comes... All right. He was in a wheelchair.
MARCUS PARKS
He was in a wheelchair.
BEN KISSEL
I do love that all Mentos ads were just like were you drunk last night, hungover? Do you have a job interview you forgot about?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Try Mentos.
PATTON OSWALT
Mentos. Anyway he's wheeled in in a wheelchair.
MARCUS PARKS
He's wheeled in in a wheelchair because he himself is an eunuch. He had his own leg, penis, and nipple removed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey.
PATTON OSWALT
By himself?
MARCUS PARKS
By other people.
PATTON OSWALT
So it's a whole community.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a whole community, yeah. There's like 9 guys in court.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Would you trust a huge dicked eunuch maker?
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. I need to see the process.
BEN KISSEL
You don't trust a skinny chef, you don't trust a short basketball coach, and you do not trust a eunuch maker with a huge cock and balls.
PATTON OSWALT
That's right. Oh my God. I never thought of it that way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has to be into it.
PATTON OSWALT
Well and I've gotta say, with all this social media and all this ice, at least they're socializing. They're meeting people, they're talking to other people. And it's hands on arts and crafts.
MARCUS PARKS
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
BEN KISSEL
And he's also a client. I actually think the fact that he is-
PATTON OSWALT
I'm also a client.
BEN KISSEL
Also a client. I think that that totally changes it. I really do. Because he's participating, he's into it.
PATTON OSWALT
He's walking it like he's talking it. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We talk about Q like that, about how Q was about the friends they made along the way.
PATTON OSWALT
It really was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
January 6th was really just about them finally all getting to see all of these buddies they've been talking to online for so long and finally they're all in one spot. That vacation. You know how hard it is to get my friends to vacation together?
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah. I've said this before, people that say MAGA people and Q people are lost, I'm like no, they're for the first time in their lives, they've been found.
BEN KISSEL
I know.
PATTON OSWALT
It's the only time in their life they've ever felt spotted or found. They're not lost.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
PATTON OSWALT
That's the problem. They are actually, they're on mission for the first time in their lives.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. That's why it's hard to get-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're heard for the first time.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Someone's making space for them in this little community.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. And so it doesn't matter when people go oh I just showed a video of Trump saying one thing but then he said a different thing. They don't care.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
PATTON OSWALT
It has nothing to do with Trump, it has nothing... It's just like I have friends. I've never had friends.
BEN KISSEL
No.
MARCUS PARKS
They're being made to feel special for the first time in their lives.
PATTON OSWALT
For the first time.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And they know it's the only time in their lives they're gonna feel like this. If this all collapses, I mean I'm sure a lot of the Nazi torturers and a lot of the torturers in South America when those regimes fell, they didn't miss, I'm sure they missed the torture because they were fucking psychos-
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
PATTON OSWALT
But they missed oh my god, where's my prestige? Where's my people listening to me for the first time in my life?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They all become the candelabra from Beauty and the Beast.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Very sad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're gathering dust, they're wondering where their purpose is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well back to the story here, these guys truly did have a community. They even appeared in court together. The eunuch maker appeared alongside Peter Wates, 65 years old, who was charged with conspiracy to cause GBH with intent. Wates is alleged to have been involved with 9 of the 29 incidents while the Romanian national Ion Ciucur, 28, who works in a hotel in Scotland is said to be had been involved in two.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Ciucur, who appeared separately, faces the same count of conspiracy to cause GBH and all three men were remanded in custody ahead of their next appearance.
BEN KISSEL
Well that's all you gotta do to mend the age gap, just get a huge gap of a gaping wound between your legs.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
64 and 28. When was the last time you saw a 64 year old and a 28 year old hanging out?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I saw some stuff on the internet that's not too far off.
BEN KISSEL
No, that's your lemon party, that's your whole thing. You're a gross guy.
PATTON OSWALT
(singing) You can always count on me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For sure!
PATTON OSWALT
For sure. That's what friends are for!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My balls!
PATTON OSWALT
Oh god!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now isn't there a crew called the nullos?
MARCUS PARKS
The nullos. Well these guys are said to be a part of a larger movement called the nullos.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh good, there's more of them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's a cute name. It sounds like a marshmallow cookie.
PATTON OSWALT
It does!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's a cute name.
PATTON OSWALT
You got an A+ on your math test? Have some nullos.
BEN KISSEL
Oh I love these.
PATTON OSWALT
You studied, you worked so hard, I'm really proud of you.
MARCUS PARKS
Well a nullo, it's short for nullification.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They also call themselves smoothies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cute.
PATTON OSWALT
Wait a minute. I wonder if that's from the show that I was on, Happy. Cause there's a hitman who is a self eunuch and his name is Smoothie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh that's actually very-
BEN KISSEL
Wow. Could be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I forgot. Happy is great by the way.
PATTON OSWALT
Thank you. Well the main hitman on that show played by an incredible actor, he should have gotten an Emmy for that role.
BEN KISSEL
And I just think it's ridiculous when they say Patton Oswalt hasn't had a social impact. Look at this! What are you talking about? I've inspired multiple cock and balls to be released from the body that doesn't want them.
MARCUS PARKS
But it's not just cock and balls. Smoothies can also be women, there are also women called smoothies. They have their vagina voluntarily stitched closed and they have their nipples, breasts, and clitoris removed completely.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
PATTON OSWALT
But how do, oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So man, they must be such fast swimmers.
MARCUS PARKS
I know the question you're gonna ask, they leave a tiny urethra.
PATTON OSWALT
They leave the urethra, yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The urethra is right next to the anus so they sit down to pee and that's where everything works out from there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not speaking for all women but if I was a woman I definitely would want that pee pee coming out my belly button. Because that's fun, that's a new thing, it's something else.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well it'd be difficult, you'd have to surfboard it.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
You'd have to bellyboard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Plank.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, plank.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd have to plank every single time I piss.
PATTON OSWALT
I mean I guess that frees up a lot of time for the rest of your life if you're working on it. Their Duolingo scores must be crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man.
PATTON OSWALT
They got all kinds of time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're crushing Wordle.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well one of famous nullos is Mao Sugiyama, a Japanese artist and asexual activist who in 2012 had his genitals surgically removed, cooked, and served to paying guests at a public banquet. Sugiyama, who uses the nickname Ham Cybele, also had his nipples removed.
BEN KISSEL
Ham Cybele sounds like an open mic comedian that would talk about sandwiches.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's not opening for you this tour?
BEN KISSEL
Ham Cybele?
PATTON OSWALT
He, you know, we...
BEN KISSEL
Falling out?
PATTON OSWALT
We had a little bit of a falling out.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sorry.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. Cause he caught me standing up peeing and he took it as an attack. I was like I'm totally cool with you.
BEN KISSEL
yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
He's a little militant. He's a little militant.
BEN KISSEL
it's unfortunate.
PATTON OSWALT
But hang on, he served his genitals at a banquet.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. That's a lot.
PATTON OSWALT
How much genitals? We got genitals all day, chef! Genitals all day, chef!
BEN KISSEL
Genitals all day.
PATTON OSWALT
Fire those genitals, now! Fire everything!
BEN KISSEL
You mentioned he's an activist and we love activism in many ways, it's how social change occurs.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure, sure, of course. Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But what's the message?
MARCUS PARKS
The message is that asexuals should be free to be asexuals and should not be shamed for being asexual.
BEN KISSEL
I agree with that.
PATTON OSWALT
Hang on, are people shaming asexual people?
MARCUS PARKS
Apparently.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like it is one of those, being like okay buddy.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did it happen this afternoon or is this just a general sense cause you're eating the dick and balls because you wanna have a fun party.
PATTON OSWALT
In their defense, I would say it seems like whatever sexual thing you have, whether it affects people or not, and I wonder when they're gonna start demanding their rights, there seems to be a section of the population that their turn on or the thing that fuels them is being outraged at what any other person's choice is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And now that I guess gay and lesbian are kind of just accepted and no one gives a shit, now they're going hard on trans people, in another generation no one will give a fuck about trans people, so they'll start going after whatever. Bt I'm waiting for the people that go but my turn on is to be angry at people.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
And you are squashing my rights. My thing is to... Like how far will this go?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, dude.
PATTON OSWALT
By the way, gay and lesbian people never affected anybody.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
PATTON OSWALT
But of course people were outraged. So of course, yeah-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You affect people even less, you're asexual!
PATTON OSWALT
Asexual literally doesn't affect anyone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anyone!
PATTON OSWALT
But of course there will be someone going wait a minute, what do say he is? He doesn't care about sex. I'm pissed off!
BEN KISSEL
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
And then they say it barely suppressing a smile, they're so excited they have something new to be angry about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that's why I feel like the same movement it's gonna be... The next foodie movement is gonna be bad food. It's gonna be food that specifically tastes bad and looks like shit.
BEN KISSEL
I think it might already be that way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have to go and be like whoa, this is incredible how bad this is.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna be hyper irony where it's like nothing is real anymore.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. Have you been to that new restaurant Gray?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yum.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, they're doing an all room temperature tasting menu.
BEN KISSEL
Yes.
PATTON OSWALT
It is revolting.
BEN KISSEL
It's fucking-
PATTON OSWALT
I'm on a waiting list, I couldn't get it. I gotta wait for someone to cancel and when they text you, you gotta get down there immediately.
BEN KISSEL
They've got this ham that came from a certain part of the shoulder that they couldn't get for years until technology came around, it's called spam.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
People wouldn't eat it.
PATTON OSWALT
They're doing dashboard sushi this weekend.
BEN KISSEL
Oh god.
PATTON OSWALT
So good.
BEN KISSEL
It's 105 degrees outside.
PATTON OSWALT
It's really amazing, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Environmentally warmed.
BEN KISSEL
California rolls tempura. How many people got fed from this person's cock and balls?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It doesn't say exactly.
PATTON OSWALT
How many did he feed?
MARCUS PARKS
It doesn't say.
PATTON OSWALT
That would be a bragging right.
BEN KISSEL
Seriously.
PATTON OSWALT
I fed a whole soccer team.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, exactly.
PATTON OSWALT
Really I was just an amuse bouche.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I was a crudo.
BEN KISSEL
I think I could do a table of four for a nice brunch. I think my genitalia could serve, you know, there'd have to be some sides.
MARCUS PARKS
Five.
PATTON OSWALT
Five people?
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He cooked, seasoned, and served bite-sized morsels of his testicles, scrotal sack, and penis to five gourmands who dished out $250 a piece for the rarities. And he says that his lost penis at its most erect was 6.3 inches.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
BEN KISSEL
When it comes down to it though, obviously with cooking you're gonna have some shrinkage. I do wonder what that looks like at the end of the day.
PATTON OSWALT
Do you boil it, does it get bigger?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They have video footage of it and I did watch it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it is kinda-
PATTON OSWALT
Of the feast?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of the feast. And really to be honest, it is just two bites per.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. That's kind of annoying because what if you really liked it?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think you have to go, you have to prepare to go eat after.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh god, what if you really liked it? Like now I gotta find a place to get penis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck.
BEN KISSEL
How the fuck am I gonna do this?
PATTON OSWALT
I loved that, that was so good. Like that becomes your weird craving.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And you're up late on DoorDash just putting the word penis and nothing's coming up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go right to Grindr.
BEN KISSEL
Going on Craigslist and being like how attached to your dick are you?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Do you wanna separate?
PATTON OSWALT
I mean I get theoretically you can cook anything and make it palatable if you're a good enough cook.
MARCUS PARKS
I suppose so.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
There's a short film by Les Blank called Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe. You've seen that, right?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
BEN KISSEL
No. Sounds amazing.
PATTON OSWALT
When Les Blank made his first movie, Gates of Heaven, documentary about a pet cemetary, it's one of the best-
MARCUS PARKS
I love Gates of Heaven. It incredible.
PATTON OSWALT
It's one of the best, it's amazing. But Werner Herzog told him when he started it, he goes if you finish this, I will eat my shoe. Like you'll never finish this movie. And then he finished it and when they premiered in Berkeley, Werner Herzog flew over and Alice Waters from Chez Panisse, and there's a whole documentary, 20 minutes, you can watch it for free on Kanopy. She cooks his boot and he eats it at the premiere.
BEN KISSEL
No shit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
Incredible.
PATTON OSWALT
And he's choking, it's like a leather boot. But she marinates it in duck fat for three days, stuffs it with tomatoes and shallots. It looks freaking delicious.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
But he's still at the premiere eating it going I don't like cowards. And he's just chewing on this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's so good.
BEN KISSEL
He's such an icon.
MARCUS PARKS
He's the best.
BEN KISSEL
That's amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
Well 70 additional guests showed up to this penis eating. So 5 people got the penis but the 70 other people there, they also got food, they got to eat beef and crocodile.
PATTON OSWALT
I've had crocodile. Crocodile is good.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's okay. It's okay. It's sea-based chicken.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. I had some when I was in Melbourne at this little restaurant I found in the laneways. And I was like I gotta try something exotic. And I got some crocodile, it tasted fine. Delicious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've had alligator.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you know the case of Issei Sagawa? That is also in Japan.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. Who is also walking around free.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because over there, we're doing research for a big series coming up about essentially the Japanese criminal justice system and how they persecute people. And what they do is they spend like years deciding if somebody's crazy or not. And then if they decide that you're not technically responsible for these crimes due to mental illness, they put you in protective custody like they did with Issei Sagawa. So that's why he's allowed to live his life, because he's just like yes, I'm an unrepentant cannibal and I wish I could it again. And basically he's a dry cannibal.
PATTON OSWALT
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he's waiting to do it again. But he's walking around. But they have a whole different view of this in that way. Cause they kind of decide like oh you're legally coo coo bananas. Like you're allowed to be weird.
BEN KISSEL
So he treats it-
PATTON OSWALT
But are they also operating under the idea of like well he scratched his itch, he did-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
PATTON OSWALT
So he probably won't do it again. Is that their thinking?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They watch him. Essentially he's on kind of like an eternal parole.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, he could relapse. So it's sort of like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic, even after they stop drinking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He talks about, he ruminates on it. Cause he writes comic book after comic book. Cause he made a lot of money off his own crimes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they allow him to as long as he lives in his little state-approved apartment. It actually sounds kinda nice.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
I will say these people over there who had the alligator, they're like ooh how exotic, we got alligator. And then there's a table being like we had fucking cock and balls. So maybe you're not as exotic as you think. Because you know there's one food critic over there being like I think I've had better balls before.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well let's move on to our next story.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
This next story, this is labor crime.
PATTON OSWALT
Fun.
BEN KISSEL
Labor.
MARCUS PARKS
The owners of a Northern California Taqueria chain will pay $140,000 in back wages and damages after federal investigators found they used a fake priest to elicit quote unquote "confessions of wrongdoing" from their employees.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love this shit. I love it because I love teams of goons and I love calling up your old buddy. Because how much fun would that be if you got called up from your friend? He's like hey listen, will you fake being a priest and elicit a bunch of confessions from my friends, from my coworkers about work-based crimes?
PATTON OSWALT
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd be like yes!
BEN KISSEL
I think technically this is stolen valor.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And these priests need to step up.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Labor officials began looking into allegations that employees weren't being paid overtime wages at the Sacramento area chain Taqueria Garibaldi in May 2021. As investigators contacted employees, they learned that a man who purported to be a priest had been introduced by the owner to quote unquote "get the sins out" of the restaurant workers. And of course the priest began the meetings with a prayer. And he asked employees whether they were loyal to the owner and whether they had ever stolen from him.
BEN KISSEL
First of all, they work in a restaurant. Do you have 10 hours? Because the sins are many.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
That's all they do is hang out, fuck each other, and cook. I remember going to Catholic school and having to confess. So weird when you just talk to another old man about how you jerked off and then he's like go on.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It's just I don't like the whole confession thing. It's nasty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that's what I understood as a kid, I was implicitly against as a little boy. I grew up, I wanted to be a priest. I was an altar boy, I was involved in all this stuff. I remember at one point being like why do I have to tell you what I do? And the guy's like I'm a butler for god. And I'm like but I don't understand.
PATTON OSWALT
A butler for god?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Well go draw his bath and leave me alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why can't I talk directly to the boss?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, that's a little weird. So you were like the Karen version of a young Catholic. I'd like to speak to god right now. Excuse me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah cause it also turned out there was a massive scandal within my church and I was one of the only kids not molested. And I think it's just because I would have used it for material.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As a little boy.
PATTON OSWALT
The church that we went to back in Virginia, St. Catherine of Siena, we were a very lapsed Catholic family. But we did go briefly to a church called St. Catherine of Siena and there was a guy who was there that would go to the priest and he would like complain about families that weren't coming dressed nice enough for his tastes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
Now that I like, a complaint department.
PATTON OSWALT
Well hang on-
BEN KISSEL
That I don't mind.
PATTON OSWALT
That guy turned out to be Robert Hanssen, the big spy, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No shit?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's awesome!
PATTON OSWALT
Now I don't know if he ever reported my family, we didn't dress great. Cause he was that super like Opus Dei.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
He was deep into it. And his whole thing was I don't like the way those kids are... Like he would rat out these families that were just trying to come to church.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They should leave. Yeah, this is not a Michelin star restaurant.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, exactly. And also we're not dressing for you, you fucking creep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, weird.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, just the whole thing.
BEN KISSEL
We're dressing to impress the priest.
PATTON OSWALT
But yeah, that was Robert Hanssen, folks!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's so interesting.
PATTON OSWALT
His little hollowed out tree stump. That's where he kept the film.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Anyway.
BEN KISSEL
You gotta keep it somewhere.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well former employee Maria Parra said in her sworn declaration, quote. "As soon as the confession started, I found the conversation to be strange and unlike normal confessions."
PATTON OSWALT
Oh unlike normal ones.
MARCUS PARKS
She said "where I would tell a priest about the sins I wanted to confess."
PATTON OSWALT
Right.
MARCUS PARKS
"The priest mostly had work-related questions which I thought was strange."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
At least honestly that's fine for me. Like I don't want to talk about masturbating or any of that shit.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You ask me like do you think you put in enough at this store today? Being like you know what, now that I think about it.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah. I mean I pissed in the fryolator one day.
BEN KISSEL
That'll do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm more of a social scientist. Man, he just died, Robert Hanssen.
PATTON OSWALT
He just died.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
In that Colorado supermax I believe?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Yeah, they kept him under lock and key.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah. That's insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Beautiful smile.
PATTON OSWALT
Just really fetching.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's flirty.
PATTON OSWALT
He's really winning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His picture's flirting back at me.
PATTON OSWALT
Is he winking at me?
BEN KISSEL
I heard he was very well dressed, a lot better dressed than that Oswalt family.
PATTON OSWALT
Those ragamuffins.
BEN KISSEL
Old ragamuffin.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, that was Robert Hanssen.
MARCUS PARKS
Well of course this employer has now been made to pay 35 employees a total of $140,000 in back wages. He was one of those pieces of shit that pooled together tips and used that to pay managers.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh fuck him.
MARCUS PARKS
Just a horrible piece of shit. However the government has been unable to identify the priest. He's not flipping on the priest.
BEN KISSEL
Well can't the guy just go become a priest? Can't you just go do that?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Then he's bonafide.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a process. You gotta go live with a bunch of weird men in a dorm room. It's a thing. Because when I wanted to join the seminary, you start at like 13-14 years old.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh it's not like the Universe Electrics, it's a whole... You gotta do your time in bootcamp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You're supposed to go and learn. I think that yeah, the Catholic priests have like barrier to entry, like you're supposed to be especially fucked up.
BEN KISSEL
Well I know you're definitely supposed to be an alcoholic. They love wine. Catholic priests, they have alcoholism rates through the roof.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
Well local church authorities are completely confident he was not a priest of the Diocese of Sacramento. So he was in fact just some guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just some guy.
BEN KISSEL
All right. I kind of trust him more.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When we were in Rome, we were doing a tour in Europe and I went to... Because they have Vatican shops where you can go and civilians can go.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so I'm gonna try to go the next time and you can get the full regalia.
PATTON OSWALT
No shit?
BEN KISSEL
You can be a bishop.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bet you get free basketball tickets. Like I mentioned, if you just dress up like that, people give you shit, right?
BEN KISSEL
You might also get egged and then kids might just roll down the window and be like you wanna fuck me? I'm a child!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's back and forth.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know. I'm not sure if it's the most...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If a man showed up at your show in full Roman Vatican and just being like one ticket, please. Would you be like yeah, let him in I guess.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. I mean look, he took the time to go to the Spirit Halloween store, let him in.
BEN KISSEL
That's true.
PATTON OSWALT
He made the trip down to Irvine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude, thank you so much for being here. So now we've talked about eunuchs.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We've talked about fake priests.
PATTON OSWALT
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We should talk a little bit about your comic book Minor Threats.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's out already. I had one big question I wanted to ask.
PATTON OSWALT
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it's just straight up from a writer's perspective because I saw what you did and it's one of those where it kind of blows my mind. So the whole thing is about like if you want to do a quick, your log line, you wanna hit 'em with it.
BEN KISSEL
Hey Patton, hit us with the elevator pitch. Could you sell us in the elevator?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, I'll do a little elevator pitch, okay. Well-
BEN KISSEL
We're going to the 150th floor. So you have 25 minutes.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. First off, sorry about that, I just ate at Chipotle.
BEN KISSEL
That's okay, it's okay, it's part of the pitch.
PATTON OSWALT
It's called Minor Threats and it is about low level, C-D level super villains, the working class ones. They,don't want to take over the world. I want to rob a bank, I wanna live good for nine months, rob another one.
BEN KISSEL
Love it.
PATTON OSWALT
I got crappy powers or no powers, I just have a gimmick and a costume. And in this world where superheroes and supervillains exist, an A level supervillain kills an A level superhero's sidekick, the equivalent of the Joker killing Robin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And now this world's Batman who's called the Insomniac and his group called the Continuum, their Superman, their Green Lantern-
BEN KISSEL
Oh yes.
PATTON OSWALT
Are coming down on the city like a ton of bricks. It's basically becoming a police state immediately because like when a cop gets shot-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
They just come down so hard and the criminal underworld is we can't operate if this is happening. There's no honor in this world, let's capture this A list guy, hand him over to the heroes, we get a little credit in the favor bank. And so they gotta survive the night of this superhero police state all of a sudden and battle this A level villain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who's extremely dangerous.
BEN KISSEL
I love it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Extremely. He's called the Stickman. And he is very, he's one of those just crimes for crime's sake. He is not in it for money, it's that esoteric like I'm here to change reality. And they're like yeah, we don't need that shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My reality is fine.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My reality is I owe this guy 10 grand, so I need to knock over this payroll place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Well I love that scene when the main character is with her mom and she's like but I need money.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she's like go rob a bank then.
PATTON OSWALT
Go rob a bank, I taught you. Her mom is an old supervillain. The main character is this woman named Playtime who has this sort of ability to turn like any kind of toy or anything into like weapons and stuff. And her mom was this supervillain called the Toy Queen. So she was raised in the life and now she has to work with all these other desperate... There's a guy called Pigeon Pete.
BEN KISSEL
I've met him before. I actually met him in a bar in Wisconsin once.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's a Big Wangs local type.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I'll tell you, it was very erotic, by the time I was walking out of the bathroom, I was walking like a penguin.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. Hello. Yeah, he was one of those guys who was big in the 60s when they would use his pigeons for sending messages, secret stuff. It's all obsolete.
BEN KISSEL
I love a good pigeon.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. So there's just all these different, there's a crime doctor called Scalpel, bent doctor.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Love Scalpel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she's great.
PATTON OSWALT
So there's all these different... And then we go into their different backstories and personalities. How did they get to this point where they're all this desperate? And it's also our way of going this is what it must have felt like for the comics character in the 70s when comics suddenly got very adult and very gritty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
When people like Frank Miller and Alan Moore came along like do I still exist in this world?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
What's Kite Man gonna do?
PATTON OSWALT
Literally what's the Red Bee supposed to do now?
BEN KISSEL
Awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, now that everybody is a fucking militant hyper police state maniac.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But when you make that world, cause I was like all right, the first thing I was like holy shit. It feels like a lived in world.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When you do that, how do you go about making a world of superheroes? Do you just write a list of names and then decide what's cool and what their attributes are?
PATTON OSWALT
Part of it is you sit down and you make up lists of cool names that you think would be amazing superheroes and then you have your artist, we have this great artist named Kenneth Scott Hepburn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's so good.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, just the right amount of grit.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. And he, with our descriptions, like me and my writing partner, this guy Jordan Blum who's brilliant. And when you write a comic, it's a lot like writing a screenplay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
You kinda write the action out and your artist is your cinematographer and they figure out okay, here's how it'll be blocked out, here's the thing. But he's also the costume designer, he designs what these characters will look like, what their costumes will look like, what their equipment will look like. So yeah, that starts building, your artist begins to build the world too and then when you see what they do, you go oh, then this should happen! And one thing you'll notice in the background, what we really wanted to do was show a world that has suffered 60 years of comic book continuity. What would that look like?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So in the background there are the rubble and the wreckage from huge crossover events, huge world events that hasn't been totally cleaned up.
MARCUS PARKS
I love the idea of them building housing projects on the skeleton of a Kaiju.
PATTON OSWALT
Yes. Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's fun as hell. Cause in my head immediately I was like and that's a fucking Adult Swim show. You know what I mean?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's literally it's own show inside of each one. We're working on a comic book for Dark Horse too where it's the same thing, where you're like I want certain things in the background. Drop in a whole other thing that could be its own story.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, and you never even reference it. It's there, you can see it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So it's like yeah, that housing community, we're like make it look like Jaeger has just defeated a Kaiju, they're both in pieces on the ground. And then what have people built around it? Think of like the High Line in New York.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Something abandoned that people then built up. Or like when you see those cool communities of old storage containers that they've made these cool little apartments.
BEN KISSEL
I got a beef.
PATTON OSWALT
Uh oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I got a beef with a plot line that I heard about the other day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
BEN KISSEL
Batman. There are some people that say Alfred was Joker. Did you see that?
PATTON OSWALT
Wait, what?
MARCUS PARKS
No. What the fuck are you talking about?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The same article that he got about Jeeps having ducks on them. It is the same.
BEN KISSEL
No, Marcus, google this. Google this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's bescarednews.com.
BEN KISSEL
Alfred is Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Getyourunclemad.org.
MARCUS PARKS
Alfred-
PATTON OSWALT
Wait a minute.
BEN KISSEL
Alferd, Alfred? Alferd?
PATTON OSWALT
Wait, are they saying Alfred was Joker the whole time?
BEN KISSEL
Yes. And they say that Alfred did this-
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's called Elseworlds. It's a whole thing where it's an alternate universe thing-
BEN KISSEL
That's why I'm fucking, that's my beef!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do that all the time.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But is it not true?
MARCUS PARKS
There was an alternate DC story where Alfred became the Joker to prove his love for Batman.
PATTON OSWALT
Jesus.
BEN KISSEL
yes because he saw Batman was depressed so he needed to give him a reason to live. I saw this and it pissed me the fuck off. Because Alfred was a frail old man-
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Who would never do this with Batman. But that is true, that is DC approved.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Alfred was Special Forces.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. He's British SAS.
BEN KISSEL
But he was old by the time he would have been Joker. Isn't that ridiculous, Marcus? Do you have a beef as well?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean alternate universe stories are fine, I got no problem with exploring other ideas.
BEN KISSEL
I do.
MARCUS PARKS
Like did you ever Red Son?
PATTON OSWALT
That one by Mark Millar is fucking amazing. Red Son is fucking amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
It's one of the best. It's just an alternate universe where Superman lands on earth 12 hours later. So he doesn't land in Kansas, he lands in Siberia.
BEN KISSEL
Ah, he's Russian.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah and he becomes the great communist leader, basically he replaces Stalin.
BEN KISSEL
I hate to break it to you, Superman's capitalist. Without a doubt. The amount of merch that that man sells, he works for the newspapers.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is this your first comic book?
PATTON OSWALT
No, I mean I've done other comics but it was always working with other people's IPs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So I've done a Justice League comic, I've done a Batman comic. We did a four issue MODOK comic for Marvel. I did one for Dark Horse. And I don't know if you guys read Black Hammer.
MARCUS PARKS
I love Black Hammer.
PATTON OSWALT
I did a little side story within that world. But that's other people. So this is from the ground up.
BEN KISSEL
That's awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now it's kind of crazy to get somebody else's IP. Did you have to get a binder of the rules of the characters and shit?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
No, I mean you can't go that crazy obviously but they trust that-
BEN KISSEL
Can Alfred be Joker? It's ridiculous.
PATTON OSWALT
You work within what you know of the thing. And if you go too crazy... Or you'll do something and they'll say, for instance in my Justice League comic, Aquaman is not in it because at the time it was coming out, they're like well Aquaman is about to go missing for a while so that has to be part of your story, work that into it. It was all that going on.
BEN KISSEL
Where did he go?
PATTON OSWALT
They were doing some reboot on him, I think this was in the late 90s.
BEN KISSEL
Also Aquaman really dropped the ball on that whole OceanGate thing. That would have been a chance for him to have been a superhero and he blew it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jason Momoa was unavailable.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, he was not there. Yeah. And I also know comic book writers who, because they get comic book companies, the big two, maybe Dark Horse as well, but they get together like the way the WWE gets together and they plot out the next year's worth of stories.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
Like this will be our big crossover and here's how your title will feed into it. And I remember James Robinson who was doing this amazing comic back in the day called Starman. And suddenly there was a plot where Starman built a spaceship and went out into space for like 12 issues to rescue the first Starman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
I was like that was a weird right turn. And then a friend of mine told me no, they had this summer crossover event that he hated so much that he wrote a story where his character leaves the fucking planet so he doesn't have to be part of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's like Alan Moore did something kind of similar with Crisis on Infinite Earth during his Swamp Thing run.
PATTON OSWALT
Yep!
MARCUS PARKS
Where he sort of took over the whole thing and was like no, no, no, it's not about the Anti- Monitor, it's about all these weird guys in South America that are trying to bring back like a primordial beast.
PATTON OSWALT
Yep.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
He hijacked-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's pretty great.
MARCUS PARKS
One of the largest crossover events in history. It's amazing.
PATTON OSWALT
And made a way cooler crossover event.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
That was amazing when Swamp Thing has to travel to the Netherworld and then John Constantine and the demon and Deadman and the Phantom Stranger... It's amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
It's incredible, yeah. It's one of the best of them.
BEN KISSEL
What would be something that DC or Marvel would disapprove of but you're like please god, I wanna do this with one of their superheroes or supervillains?
PATTON OSWALT
I've always wanted to do a thing, it doesn't necessarily need to be Peter Parker doing it but within the Marvel universe. Because it seems like Marvel way more than DC really anticipated the whole warring techs right now and we're watching it. Basically it's Musk Tech vs Zuck Tech, that's what's going on.
BEN KISSEL
Zuck Tech, Musk Tech. God, it is the dumb future. Oh god.
PATTON OSWALT
It is. It's the dumb future. But in Marvel there's Stark Tech, there's Osborn Tech, Os Tech. And so I was like either have a Peter Parker or a new guy come along and he's like these fucking assholes, all they do is build weapons and shit and they hoard it to themselves. So he starts just releasing open source blueprints of not only his advanced tech but of theirs.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that's sweet.
PATTON OSWALT
So that everyone can have it.
BEN KISSEL
He becomes a whistleblower.
PATTON OSWALT
Well not even, almost like a Banksy.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
So then he forces someone like Stark and Osborn and Octavius and even Doom, they all have to go like we gotta crush this fucking guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like this idea.
PATTON OSWALT
And suddenly they have to really question what it is that they do. That would be amazing. And it would be really cool because Peter Parker is the one who has a moral core to a fault. And by the way, there are problems with doing that, not the best idea to just have open source code for a repulsor ray out there for anyone to have.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Because then anybody can have it.
PATTON OSWALT
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Including the most low level villains.
PATTON OSWALT
The worst people, yeah. But then see where that goes. That would be an amazing story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love that.
BEN KISSEL
I would like to see a comic book where Spiderman apologizes for killing Macho Man. Did you know that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was a long story?
BEN KISSEL
Did you hear that? So when he was filming Spiderman, Macho Man was the wrestler.
PATTON OSWALT
I know. With his beard shaved.
MARCUS PARKS
Bone Saw, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
They put him against a dude who didn't know how to wrestle. Macho takes a bump, that's basically the beginning of the end for Macho Man. He got addicted to pills and then he had a heart attack.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh no!
BEN KISSEL
So Spiderman is responsible for killing one of the greatest wrestlers of all time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I single handedly blame Tobey Maguire.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And if I see him... You killed Macho Man!
BEN KISSEL
He didn't help, that's for damn sure.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you feel that there's a pressure that you're considered like in the Mount Rushmore of like nerd culture and then you have to do this, you have to write a comic book. Do you feel like there's a lot of people who are looking at you being like better be fucking good.
BEN KISSEL
No, not nerds. They're so sympathetic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, yeah. They're great.
PATTON OSWALT
Nerds are folksy, they are non judgmental, they are supportive and they love hard right turns with their beloved characters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They love it.
PATTON OSWALT
They love risk. No, I mean I've never felt myself as one of the kings of nerd culture. I'm maybe one of the archdukes or low level earls.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I put you within the arcana, the royal arcana.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And because I'm still a fantastic, I'm not messing with anyone's IP, it's my own IP, I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
And I can tell the stories that I like. And as you get older you start to realize well there's 7 billion people on the planet, they can't all be my fan. If I get 1/10 of those, I'm fine.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
That's more than enough to make a good living. So sometimes I feel like people that try to go global, that's when the product starts to break down.
BEN KISSEL
It has to be sold.
PATTON OSWALT
And you lose it because it has to, yeah, it has to appeal to everybody.
BEN KISSEL
Generic.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. It's like it becomes the food at Disneyland. Perfectly fine but nobody goes like I can't wait for Disneyland to get that great lunch menu. That's just fuel, that's not there to be tasted.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We've talked about it, the internet shows that all you need really is 100,000 fans.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you have 100,000 fans, you can have a full on living doing whatever the hell it is that you want because again, we don't need them. We don't need the big portals. You can take it directly to the people.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And if they want it then they will go and get it.
PATTON OSWALT
It also is really telling when The Force Awakens came out and the nerd mafia, and they weren't wrong in saying this, this is just a reboot of Star Wars. They just redid Star Wars. So then Ryan Johnson puts out The Last Jedi and really introduces some new concepts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I liked it, I'm one of those.
PATTON OSWALT
Rolls the fucking dice.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
Some of it didn't work, some of it did. But he did something new and the nerds went no! They screamed.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
PATTON OSWALT
So then for the third one, that one was clearly done by a committee like okay, let's look at all the hate threads, let's try. But in a weird way I think that was necessary because now I think it freed a lot of people going oh, part of these people's pleasure is being outraged anyway. So there's no point.
BEN KISSEL
There's nothing you can do.
PATTON OSWALT
Exactly. So just do what you want to do and do it the best you can.
BEN KISSEL
Little Mermaid fucks Aquaman. Can we make it happen?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it.
BEN KISSEL
Little Mermaid fucks Aquaman. That's the elevator pitch. Also where is his dick?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hope someone's listening.
BEN KISSEL
Where is Aquaman's dick?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's inside. Aquaman has legs. He has legs.
BEN KISSEL
Oh he does have legs?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Aquaman is merely a man who can breathe underwater. And you said that you wrote that story in late 1999?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I believe that would have been when Aquaman left and came back with the hook on his hand.
PATTON OSWALT
That's right! Yeah, he got the hook.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he got the hook. Okay.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, yeah. Literally got the hook.
MARCUS PARKS
Glad we cleared that up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank god, Marcus. Thank fucking Christ. Man, this has been great.
BEN KISSEL
yes, thank you so much, Patton.
MARCUS PARKS
We had so much fun, man.
BEN KISSEL
This has been awesome.
PATTON OSWALT
Look, I'm happy to come back in if you need another palate cleanser after whatever god awful rabbit hole you guys are about to go down.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
I will happily come back in and talk about severed penises and fake priests.
BEN KISSEL
Great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See, isn't it palate cleansing?
PATTON OSWALT
It is literally an amuse bouche.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. And I'll save this story for next time, the story about the man who stole the forklift in the Lowe's parking lot and drove it to the Home Depot parking lot and killed a woman in the Home Depot parking lot.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. He was mad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he was real mad.
PATTON OSWALT
Save it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But think about how fun it would be to drive a forklift around unabided, like no one telling you what to do. You can just drive it. And the chaos?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
it'd be kinda fun. Minor Threats, check out the comic book by Dark Horse. Is there a place that you want people to buy it from?
PATTON OSWALT
Well I hope wherever you're listening to this, if there's a local comic book store or LCS.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
PATTON OSWALT
I hope that you go and patronize them and actually walk through the door and purchase a copy, help them out.
MARCUS PARKS
Always.
PATTON OSWALT
If not-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What was the name of the website we used for Soul Plumber that chained together independent comic book stores?
PATTON OSWALT
Bookshop.org?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe that's it.
PATTON OSWALT
Bookshop.org is a great place to go shopping for books. That's where I get all my books.
BEN KISSEL
Awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great, great.
PATTON OSWALT
Highly recommend it.
BEN KISSEL
Also I'm gonna recommend a movie from 2009 starring you, Mr. Oswalt. Big Fan.
PATTON OSWALT
Oh!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
I love it. It's got radio, it's got football, and it's got murderous ideas. Big Fan was fucking awesome.
PATTON OSWALT
Thank you. Thank you!
BEN KISSEL
I mean all your work is fucking awesome and you're such a legend. And you're one of the reasons all of us got into comedy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's true. Shaving your back with a rusty tuna can lid is still one of my favorite jokes of all time.
PATTON OSWALT
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll fan out here on mic because I can.
MARCUS PARKS
On mic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd never do it to your face.
PATTON OSWALT
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Comedians of Comedy documentary is the inspiration for everything.
PATTON OSWALT
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the reason why we're sitting here today is because that documentary inspired me so much.
BEN KISSEL
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the check's in the mail.
PATTON OSWALT
Then I'll be taking an extra bagel on the way out.
BEN KISSEL
You got off easier than David Cross because the first time I saw him, the first week I moved to New York in '06, I tracked him down for two blocks and then I gave him a huge hug.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's so scary. You saw him.
BEN KISSEL
I was like I'm a big fan! You're the reason I got into comedy!
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
He was very sweet. I'm sure he wasn't thrilled.
PATTON OSWALT
I can't believe I'm meeting you in the first week of August! Give me a hug!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I remember Doug Stanhope talking about how he was walking to his venue one time and he saw these crazy fucking looking guys walking down the street so he changed the side of the street. And then he was watching them go right into his show. And he's just like oh it's my fans.
BEN KISSEL
Well we are amazingly blessed to have such great fans.
PATTON OSWALT
Thank you, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And thank you so much for being here, Patton. And yeah, all right everyone. That's been this month's palate cleanser.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, this is it.
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah!
BEN KISSEL
Thank you all so much for listening, hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations everybody!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mr. Oswalt, thank you for your participation.
PATTON OSWALT
Watch your cocks.