HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll tell you what, you bunch of honkies. I'm the kind of fella that you gotta be worried about. All right? I got a whole army of fellas right behind me. And oh my fella army, we're gonna take over this entire honky-led country. Yes!
ED LARSON
Yes. Here is your peanut butter and jelly sandwich, sir.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Yes, thank you!
ED LARSON
I cut the crust off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly can I take this back? This peanut butter is pretty spicy. This is a lot.
ED LARSON
Is crunchy no good?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly that's what I'm calling spicy. There's a lot of crags in this. If we can make it smooth as my brain, I'll enjoy it.
ED LARSON
My mistake.
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the craggy Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got an army of fellas and I'm coming down to the Starbucks and I'm looking for my egg whites and if you don't have it, you're gonna get a wall of retribution, son.
MARCUS PARKS
And the man that's full of mistakes, Ed Larson.
ED LARSON
Oh my god, I just pooped twice the size of my penis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am proud of you.
MARCUS PARKS
Which is not a mistake but an accomplishment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, that is a full four inch turd?
ED LARSON
Four and a half.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am the living end.
MARCUS PARKS
So when we last left Patty Hearst, the Symbionese Liberation Army had sent the media the infamous Polaroid of Patty posing in front of the homemade SLA flag while holding a machine gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This picture was paired with a communique in which Patty declared her allegiance to this nearly all white Black militant group, telling the world that her name was no longer Patty but Tania-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) Tania.
MARCUS PARKS
After one of Che Guevara's compatriots.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His girlfriend. And how dare you?
MARCUS PARKS
Compatriot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Girlfriend!
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that a communist girlfriend?
MARCUS PARKS
You're reducing her to a girlfriend when she was in fact a compatriot and just as much of a freedom fighter as he was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you not remember the entire act out I did last week?
MARCUS PARKS
I do remember that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
By the lake, they're in the little river.
MARCUS PARKS
Ah yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got his open shirt on, his beret slightly to the left.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he's been getting railed all day. because Che Guevara, just so you know, loved getting pegged. It's true. That's what Tania did. And that showed how strong he was.
ED LARSON
Yeah, he wrote it in his motorcycle diaries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also finally saw the movie. The Patty Hearst movie.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh the Patty Hearst movie.
ED LARSON
Oh it's so good, right?
MARCUS PARKS
I haven't seen it yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The first hour is very good. The last half hour gets a little like... Once we get to the trial, you're like all right.
ED LARSON
I did sleep a lot. I did sleep through the trial.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Cinque does not deserve the performance that Ving Rhames-
ED LARSON
Ving Rhames really made him look like fucking bad ass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did not deserve it.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well not, he still made him look like an idiot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he's just so good.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And he's so strong and thick and ripped.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very thick. And Natasha Richardson is incredible.
ED LARSON
Yeah. She's beautiful.
MARCUS PARKS
You know who would be a good Cinque is Jaleel White trying to act cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stefan!
ED LARSON
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he was as Stefan Urquelle?
MARCUS PARKS
But this communique sent with the Polaroid had not been Patty's first statement to the outside world. Through the many recorded messages that had been sent to the media, it seemed to many outsiders as if Patty had been warming up to the SLA's violent political philosophies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was a lot of communiques, right?
MARCUS PARKS
There were like five or six.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And they kept sending them over this period of time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Were they all just recorded like messages from Patty Hearst?
MARCUS PARKS
Well Cin would also sometimes be-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He would record. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He'd have His long speeches.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But little did the public know that everything Patty was saying in these recorded messages was either dictated to her by the SLA so she could say it in her own words or they were messages that were being written for Patty to recite.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One thing I wanna say about Patty Hearst with the communiques is that what I found interesting was that Patty Hearst was a really good writer. So what she was saying that as Cinque, like as these recorded messages were going on, like eventually she started copy editing them and making them better. Which is why they all thought she had become such an impassioned member of the SLA is because at this point because Patty Hearst... I liked in the introduction of the movie, she talked about how she was way more of a doer than a thinker.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think that really makes a lot of sense because she was saying like she was reading all this stuff and she was like it doesn't make any fucking sense. It's all jumbled, the syntax is bad, the context is bad. You're doing it all wrong. So she would rewrite it as she was going to make it better. But also with that it made it sound like it was more heartfelt.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And also it just gave her something to fucking do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is why she did it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is literally what she talked about. She was constantly looking for mental games to kind of play with herself to keep her alive spiritually.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And if I was in that situation, I would do the exact same fucking thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He can't even not edit like my texts. Yeah, obviously.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the original author of those communiques was sometimes one of the theater kids, Gelina, who wrote these monologues for Patty with little personal touches as if she was trying to flush out the character of Patricia Hearst for a play she was writing.
ED LARSON
Nothing worse than when an actor tries to write.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Never let them! Never let them! I can just hear Gelina being like okay, now with this turn, Patty, what I would love to see is if you could do... Now think about this, kabuki. Now this is Japanese art of theater. Now if you could do it and just make it kabuki. And I'm not saying do a Japanese accent but could you? I can show her.
ED LARSON
Now you're saying this? But the subtext is this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now it is understandable that the public believed Patty's messages because these performances, and that's exactly what they were, they had to be sold in order for the SLA to believe that Patty was truly one of them. So remember, Patty's only goal at this point was to survive until the end of every day without being killed by the Symbionese Liberation Army. And that required them to believe that she was fully down with their cause.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is horrible and it's terrifying but it is nice to receive the lesson to stay present. And if this is what it takes... Because Patty Hearst must be extremely present now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'd say so. Now as far as Patty's parents Randy and Catherine Hearst went, they had to deal with both the anguish of their daughter being kidnapped in addition to defending her to a rabid media. Media, they only wanted the juiciest, most sensational story possible. Good girl gone bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And why was that, Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
Well this treatment of Patty's case by the media was yet another irony in this story because Patty's grandfather, William Randolph Hearst, was one of the first newspaper owners to sensationalize true crime stories in American media. And he'd made his fortune using the same tactics that were now being used to smear his granddaughter's name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But remember this is the exact opposite of what the SLA originally wanted. They wanted money, they wanted a ransom, this was supposed to be about a war against the bourgeoisie. It also kind of shows that the SLA is pretty fucking weak.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because at some point they're like oh no, we can't flip this anymore, we can't flip this person anymore. Now we gotta recruit them.
MARCUS PARKS
Behind the scenes though, according to Steven Weed's account, Randy Hearst was an exasperating person to work with when it came to getting Patty back. Randy repeated himself, argued trivial points, and would sometimes fall back on frequent outbursts, often saying things like quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"If they kill her, they're dead!"
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. But at the same time, Randy Hearst was also very sincere in wanting to help the disadvantaged through the food distribution programs, even if he had been forced to do so by the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I learned just this afternoon, did you know that people get hungry? Did you know that?
ED LARSON
Is that just always food in front of them?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I did not understand this, honestly I've walked the streets of Skid Row and I've asked each one of them, where is your butler? Where is your valet? Where is your congressman that you talk to each morning?
ED LARSON
Anytime I want food I just go ahhh! And it appears in front of me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I make a soup-getting motion with my hand and then surprise. So you can understand, so it's amazing what just a single biscuit can do to a man.
MARCUS PARKS
But Randy's somewhat disorganized approach to Patty's rescue resulted in some wild fucking ideas. One idea involved hiring an ex-CIA agent to infiltrate the revolutionary underground in Berkeley, contact the SLA, and offer an all expense paid escape to communist Cuba, which would draw the SLA out into the open.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They literally thought well we're gonna fucking Metlife them.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna bring them to the beach.
ED LARSON
Publishers Clearing House for fucking criminals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're just gonna show up and be like no shit, free rum!
ED LARSON
I really think it's crazy enough to work.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It could work. But what I found out is that the ex-CIA agent, when he went to go to infiltrate the group, it's kind of hard to infiltrate a group with the CIA if they're already infiltrated by the CIA.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay, we're not gonna get into that all that fucking bullshit right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it is very-
MARCUS PARKS
They're not infiltrated by the fucking CIA, this is not an MK Ultra thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's very interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Don't fucking start!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's very, very interesting and I think that Cinque was a very strange person to be leading an all white Black revolutionary group. I also think that Colin Westbrook-
ED LARSON
Maybe he was just a loser.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Colin Westbrook, the guy who fucking brought all of the white people to the prison, he was the one that fucking... He worked for Operation Phoenix. He was a member of the CIA. It's a whole thing. It's very strange.
MARCUS PARKS
It's strange but it's not true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Asking questions.
ED LARSON
I think he's just kidding. And just by saying JK Ultra now on tour.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good. Very good. No, I am not kidding.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the Hearsts also indulged in psychics which were all the rage in the 70s when it came to capturing serial killers or finding kidnapping victims. One swami tried finding Patty by communing with her shoe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All I'm seeing is toes. Shoe. That's it.
ED LARSON
And a tongue?
MARCUS PARKS
And in the process, this guy ran up a $300 bar tab at a Hilton at Randy Hearst's expense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(slurred) You know some people use a crystal ball, I use the very bottom of a pint glass that used to be filled with beer. Mostly what I'm seeing here... Uh oh, I'm out of beer. It's fine, no, it just doesn't work. It didn't happen.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I do believe that remote viewing is possible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But even though the psychics were a long shot, almost every member of the Hearst family, immediate and extended, came together during Patty's kidnapping. And it was Patty's sister that took it upon herself to travel to LA to meet with psychic Peter Hurkos. Hurkos was best known for his appearances on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson but he came up with nothing as well.
ED LARSON
Never choose the most famous psychic.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that guy has never, he's got too much on the line.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he's a showman. He's not-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The people that are best at this shit are the people that are worst at being people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Patricia Arquette from Medium. Has to be kind of sad. I think that's a big thing and I think it's a lot. I like a shaky old lady.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And honestly how I like a psychic is that they point to me and say something to me that is awesome because that's what you gotta do. You gotta be like Patty Hearst is in a mailbox!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then roll from there.
ED LARSON
Yeah, butter up the guy with the money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Hurkos did however ask the Hearsts if he could keep one of Patty's blouses.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just in case!
MARCUS PARKS
Just in case it-
ED LARSON
And a brassiere maybe too!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good. And several of her delectable underwear.
ED LARSON
Inside out of course!
MARCUS PARKS
That's just in case his contacts in the spirit world decided to assist later. But the thing here is that the involvement of psychics was being reported in the papers and Cinque Mtume, leader of the SLA, was reading every story and buying the concept completely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very scared of psychics. You don't know what I'm thinking, missy. And you don't want to know what I'm thinking because a lot of it's very weird.
MARCUS PARKS
He told Patty to not think about any of the psychics, don't communicate with them, and focus your mind on anything else all the time, lest the psychic energies reach out through the cosmos and locate the SLA in their safehouse.
ED LARSON
I know what our answer was to that. Sure!
MARCUS PARKS
Whatever you say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good work, Patty. That's it. Like yep, thinking of something else. Thank you!
MARCUS PARKS
Now by this point, Patty had only been out of the closet where the SLA had kept her in confinement, she'd only been out for like a few days. Once out, she'd felt a certain sense of relief that she had not been killed by the SLA nor had she died from their neglect and torture. See from her perspective, even though they'd murdered a man and kidnapped her, they'd been spinning their wheels for two months, doing nothing but goofy combat drills and talking philosophy. And she'd come to think that this was all they ever did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The dog caught the car.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Therefore once she was out of the closet, she figured that all she had to do was play along with their pretend army. She'd do the drills, pose with a Polaroid, and record communiques until she was rescued or was able to escape.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She was completely certain that one of the Hearst family members was gonna send in a commando squad to kill everybody and pull her out. Or the police were definitely gonna find them because she's watching all of these morons fuck shit up just in their own little lives. And she's like oh they can't successfully be criminals.
ED LARSON
I mean it's so crazy that they didn't. You would just think that these billionaires would be able to take out this fucking tiny army of poor idiots.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a little bit more difficult than you think. We fought men in caves with the most powerful army in the world for 20 years.
ED LARSON
That's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And still philosophically lost.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, we gave up.
ED LARSON
I guess 'Nam too, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And the war on drugs, that went well.
ED LARSON
War on hugs, I call it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Because that's what it was, it was like I wanna make smiles illegal.
MARCUS PARKS
But just as Patty was getting comfortable with the idea that she'd probably be rescued, she sat down for an SLA planning session one day and discovered they were planning to rob a liquor store. Now this wasn't outside of the SLA's purview because even before the murder of Marcus Foster, they'd robbed stores, they'd mugged people, they'd burgled houses to fund their revolutionary activities. You asked a couple of episodes ago how did they make their money?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They're fucking criminals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
ED LARSON
And if they did it today, they'd be selling pictures of their feet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that would be extremely helpful to some of the sadder people in our country. And they think that it's important, these feet-loving people need to be able to jerk off to feet without hacking them off a stranger.
MARCUS PARKS
But quite suddenly Cin upped the ante and declared that the SLA was gonna go beyond the liquor store plan and rob a bank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's my favorite line in the movie. "Y'all thinking like white people!" That's the term. Where it's like, it's true. He's like we gotta go up! This is a war now, we're gonna go after the big money.
ED LARSON
Yeah, we're gonna rob a bakery.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're gonna rob the bakery because that's where the bread is.
ED LARSON
That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
That's actually from 'Every Secret Thing', it's in the book.
ED LARSON
Wow!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, apparently they actually said that. They would continually call the bank 'the bakery'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
ED LARSON
Just call it a bank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It just doesn't matter. You gotta see the movie to catch the vibe. The movie is on the Criterion app which is great, I love it.
ED LARSON
My new favorite app.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Love it. But yeah, you guys gotta catch this vibe of losers. Watching William Forsythe, truly a fantastic a actor, in blackface, very genuinely going (whispering) 'my god I wish I was Black' was one of my favorite moments I've seen in a film. It was wild.
MARCUS PARKS
Well when Cin made this declaration that they're going to rob a bank, Fahizah, aka Nancy Ling Perry, she overflowed with admiration over the audacity of Cin's plan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's boss, man.
MARCUS PARKS
The rest of them followed suit and got very excited, very quickly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's bank robbing time! Everybody, let's get our Tommy guns out, we'll get our bonnets. Oh it's Bonnie and Clyde time! I've always wanted to be Bonnie or jaunty little Clyde.
MARCUS PARKS
The only person who wasn't excited was Patty Hearst. The relief that Patty had felt was replaced by panic and the sense that she'd had while locked in the closet that events were completely out of her control, that sense returned. Things only got worse when Cin took her aside and told her where she stood with the other members of the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also remember every single time they do one of these aside conversations, it's basically in a studio apartment.
ED LARSON
Yeah, everyone's there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So each time they do an aside, everybody's heard the aside.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Cin told her that it was too early for everyone in the SLA to trust her completely, all that would come in time. But Patty would have to-
ED LARSON
So she's just staring at them while he's saying this. They're all like nodding their heads yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're all like right behind her.
MARCUS PARKS
But Patty would have to prove herself first. And if she failed, Cin bluntly told her that according to the SLA codes of war, she would be immediately killed. Now the objectives of robbing a bank were thus. One, to expropriate money to finance the revolution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh expropriate.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Two, to prove that the SLA were true revolutionaries who were daring, determined, violent, and fearless. And three, to prove to the outside world that Patty Hearst had truly joined the revolution. But before any of that could happen, the SLA had to choose a bank. Now Fahizah, the SLA member who worshiped Cin and effectively worked as a second in command, she begged to go out on bank surveillance because she hadn't left the safehouse in weeks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nothing would make me happier than watching a bank from across the street. Any other street, any other experience.
ED LARSON
You gotta be fucking bored to want to go to the bank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the others said that letting Fahizah leave was a bad idea because Fahizah was not only the most recognizable person in the group outside of Patty, because Fahizah was 5 ft tall, but she also got nervous and jumpy the moment she stepped foot outside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She also was probably of all of them the most Rachel Dolezal-esque.
MARCUS PARKS
Very much so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where she had the full braids, she had the whole thing. She stuck out.
ED LARSON
Is she the one that Patty thought was Black because of her voice?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Cin however decreed that Fahizah could be on the surveillance team if her disguise was good enough. So Gelina, the theater kid in charge of disguises-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh a project! Yes, I love to design!
ED LARSON
Let me guess, acrobat?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Construction worker, Native American, police officer.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Gelina made the 27 year old Fahizah look like a 60 year old woman, giving her a gray wig, a shawl fit for a grandmother, and heavy support hose in addition to cheeks stuffed with cotton.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You realize that that's just from Somebody Came to Dinner. You know what I mean? Like some bullshit 1950s play.
MARCUS PARKS
No, they're doing Arsenic and Old Lace.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can't look like that not on the stage with lights on you. Like if you dress like that in person-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You look like a 5 ft tall white woman pretending to be a Black woman pretending to be an old woman.
MARCUS PARKS
They didn't make her Black and also old, they just made her old.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She made herself Black.
MARCUS PARKS
That is true. Gelina meanwhile made herself the pregnant housewife, using a pillow stuffed under her dress to complete the illusion. The third member of the surveillance team, Teko, just had to shave and put on clean clothes to look like a totally new person.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanted to be Black!
ED LARSON
Just take a bath, Teko.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he won't. He says that bourgeois.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Everything is bourgeois.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anything that's nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Anything that makes you feel good is bourgeois.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or be clean.
ED LARSON
Anything to make you not be lazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Whoa, Eddie, hot take.
MARCUS PARKS
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
Hot take, hot take. Together this team planned to go out as tourists, snapping Polaroid pictures of themselves outside various banks on the SLA's target list to scout both the bank entrances and the surrounding streets. They would then walk into the banks and memorize the pertinent details. With those details in mind, they would return to the safehouse and draw diagrams of the bank's layouts. But after meticulously scouting different locations, the Symbian Liberation Army settled on the Hibernia Bank branch in the Sunset district of San Francisco. Now in another incredible coincidence, the president of that bank was Patty Hearst's best friend's father. That's totally true. And this was a fact that Patty kept to herself. And another-
ED LARSON
She must have been so pissed off.
MARCUS PARKS
She was so mad that that was the bank they chose.
ED LARSON
Of all the banks in San Francisco, one of the greatest metropolises in the world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as I mentioned earlier, Patty being inside the bank during the robbery was a major reason why they were committing such a daring public crime. But Patty tried talking her way out of being on the inside team. She argued that she was too physically weak and the least trained. But Cin said that she not only needed to be seen on camera but she was also going to be required to make a prepared speech for the world to hear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's so obnoxious because she was the least trained.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she was the most physically weak.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
She was 90 lbs, she just spent 57 days in a closet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She really was a weight on the team. And so this was really all about Cin's... One thing he did understand was public relations in a way.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where he knew that this would be a big coup. But I also sort of thought in the back of his mind then if one of us gets killed, it's you, it's Patty Hearst. Because you are the least experienced and then you get killed in the line of fire and then we look even more intense.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe. But as Patty was trying to talk her way into the outside team, Kahjoh was desperately trying to talk his way in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
He thought it was unfair that it was always his job to drive the backup vehicles, which is the same job he'd had during Patty's kidnapping.
ED LARSON
And he did a good job at it and you should feel good that he gets to do it again.
MARCUS PARKS
He always does a good job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want a raise! And I want to be more important! And I wanna go boom-boom! And I want to see all those dirty honkies shaking in their loafers.
ED LARSON
The backup vehicle is extremely important, Kahjoh.
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing is actually Cin, like in a fatherly tone, he's like you're very important, your job is very big.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You mean it?
MARCUS PARKS
I do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you think that, Cin? Let me ask you.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I were Black, what sport would I play?
ED LARSON
Cricket.
MARCUS PARKS
Don't be mean, I was gonna say baseball. You could be the next Ken Griffey Jr.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
I think so. And Cin told him like if the cops do show up before the inside team escapes-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bang! Pow! I'll get them!
MARCUS PARKS
Yup. You can absolutely kill some cops.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Zip! Zap! Zow! Ooh yeah, ooh yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
You can.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Poppity pop! Woo! You bet!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And so Kahjoh took what he could get. And in the days leading up to the bank robbery, Kahjoh could be seen in the safehouse rubbing his hands together and muttering quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Oh I hope they come. Oh I wanna kill some pigs. Yes, I wanna kill some pigs. Yes. Gotta kill some pigs."
ED LARSON
And she's like not scared of them as like she's just scared of what's gonna happen because she's with them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And she's also scared of Cin. And it's hard.
MARCUS PARKS
And she is scared of them too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Like, if at one point someone starts making an argument like I don't think she's enough, I don't think she's really proven herself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. I think that she's lying to us.
MARCUS PARKS
And if that conversation gets far enough then yeah, they could end up killing her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I completely think that it's worse that they don't know what they're doing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If they knew what they were doing then maybe they actually could have handled and flipped this into some sort of real actual... Like she was scared of the Barbara Mackle kidnapping.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which was a story of a young girl that was buried in a fucking like... She literally was kidnapped and buried. So that's what she was afraid that was gonna happen at any point.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But the thing is that we keep saying over and over again that they didn't know what they were doing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, now it shows that they might have.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But because Kahjoh was kind of a dud, he along with Patty was one of the grunts in the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he was super happy about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The third grunt was the woman that we've been calling Gabi but apparently it's pronounced 'Guh-BEE'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
And she had only joined the SLA because she was still in love with her ex-girlfriend Zoya, aka Mizmoon. Now according to rank, Kahjoh, Patty, and Gabi took orders while every other member of the SLA was free to give them to everyone but Cin. Cin of course stayed on top at all times because remember, it was the philosophy of the SLA that only a Black man could lead them. Now Cin didn't do any of the calisthenics or combat drills that everyone else was required to do every day. Instead he spent most of his time swilling cheap plum wine. The brand of this wine, according to one source, was Boone's Farm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, it's sickly sweet. But yeah, this is where we really start to enter into cult territory.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because Cin, let's just say I view this as what shows his true character is that he's maybe not the revolutionary that he says he is-
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe he is just really excited about having a bunch of people that he can control/randomly fuck. And he likes putting one against a bunch of rich people. He likes the fact that Patty Hearst is hanging out. And this is just him drinking his way into what will eventually... It's just what it does to your brain.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he's also saying shit like everybody needs to take their shirts off, it's too hot in here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody's naked, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well not naked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Their tits are out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, their tits are out and he'd walk up and he'd like fondle a woman's breast, like a member's breast, just out of nowhere, and they would let him. He's living a fantasy.
ED LARSON
A 12 year old's dream.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Just fucking sugar, liquor, and tits.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Boobs.
ED LARSON
Yeah, boobs.
MARCUS PARKS
And all while Cin watched everyone run around the safehouse like a bunch of idiots, he would tell them that without him they would be nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's true.
MARCUS PARKS
There'd be no revolution and they were lucky that a Black man was doing them the favor of training them to be revolutionaries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're sure right, Sin. I'm the luckiest white man there's ever been. I love you!
MARCUS PARKS
Now the bank robbery was planned out in painstaking detail and rehearsed as if it were the opening of a Broadway play. Drawing upon the theater education of Teko, Yolanda, and Gelina, the whole operation was blocked and timed to perfection.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Such a pain in the ass.
MARCUS PARKS
See the SLA was divided into two combat teams, one inside the bank and one outside. For the insiders, Cin chose himself, Fahizah, Zoya, Gabi, and Patty. The other four would wait outside and cover the entrance just in case the cops showed up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also I think it's interesting, did we cover last week or the first week about how Cinque hated Gabi?
MARCUS PARKS
We did not. But yeah, he absolutely... Well it's not that he hated her, it's like she puzzled him because Gabi was a lesbian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Everybody else was either bi or whatever, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Cin couldn't wrap his head around lesbianism. He literally couldn't understand it and it bothered him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But then he made her specifically be the front of the spear to get shot first.
MARCUS PARKS
Every time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Like any time they ran combat drills, he would put her in the very front. Like the combat drills of if the cops came in to bust the apartment, Gabi was the one at the front who would get shot first. She was always in the most vulnerable position.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they're telling her it's because she's so good.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she's so quick.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need you to be the point man here.
ED LARSON
So was she saying no to sex?
MARCUS PARKS
Actually it was the opposite is that they would actually have meetings where they would talk about who was having sex with who and they would be like nobody's fucking Gabi! Somebody needs to fuck Gabi!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Somebody has to fuck Gabi.
MARCUS PARKS
And Zoya would every once in a while because she was her ex-girlfriend but for the most part Gabi was like you know what? I'm fine. I'm okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm tired.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm tired. Everyone was like... Because that's the other thing about it is that it wasn't the type of cult where like everybody's fucking all the time and there's these huge orgies. Actually there was very little sex in the SLA because everyone was fucking exhausted from running combat drills constantly.
ED LARSON
And probably just malnutrition.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well if the cops showed up, the outside team would open fire while the inside team fought their way out. And if that were to occur, the SLA would either escape as a unit or die together because no one was going to be left behind.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Cin might leave. But again, the revolution can't go without him!
MARCUS PARKS
But despite all their planning, the SLA was a mess on the night before the robbery. Kahjoh in particular was so distressed that his ulcer acted up and he had a severe case of diarrhea that lasted all evening as a result.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh fuck, I think this diarrhea is a cop!
MARCUS PARKS
But on the morning of the robbery, April 15th, 1974, the SLA was more somber than nervous. The weapons they were to use were lined up neatly along the bedroom wall, ordered according to who was using what gun. As for Patty, she was assigned an M-1 semiautomatic carbine with a sawed off barrel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
While the others were armed with submachine guns and shotguns. And the entire SLA, save for Patty, were ready to kill at any provocation. As for Patty's part, her only real job was to be Tania Hearst. She had diligently memorized and practiced the speech she was supposed to give inside the bank which was timed to last for the duration of the robbery. 1.5 minutes, in and out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then I sing and then Gabi, we'll get to your part. And then Teko, what I need you to do is do the monologue from 'Henry V' so that they all can see how serious we plan to enter upon the breach.
ED LARSON
I thought it was 'Henry Vee'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I have to do one more dramaturgy session with you, I'm only gonna fuck you once this week.
MARCUS PARKS
But to put even more pressure on her monologue, Cin repeated to Patty just before the robbery that if she fucked up or did anything other than what she was supposed to do, he would, according to the SLA codes of war, kill her himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This kind of reminds me when I gave Holden the note before last time we did Side Stories to not be himself.
MARCUS PARKS
It had been just 13 days since Patty had been let out of the closet to be welcomed into the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's crazy to think that it really did happen that fast.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And when they left the safehouse that morning, it was the first time that Patty had breathed fresh air in almost 2.5 months.
ED LARSON
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Now once they got to the bank and the inside team gathered at the door, Cin gave Patty and Gabi a nod. Hiding guns under their coats, they walked inside together and strode the length of the bank where they could pretend to fill out a deposit slip on the opposite side of the room. Within seconds, Zoya rushed into the bank with her gun already drawn with Fahizah following behind. But even though the SLA had constantly trained, they'd constantly trained badly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what we're talking about! It's a lot of training but it's a lot of bad training.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And Fahizah's ammunition clip immediately dropped out of her machine gun and hit the ground, scattering bullets all over the floor.
ED LARSON
Oh can you help me get those?
MARCUS PARKS
But as she knelt down to grab the clip, Cin charged in waving his own submachine gun, which was Patty's cue to pull out her M1 carbine and point it at the assistant bank manager and the two other employees who were sitting at their desk nearby. Cin then took over, yelling that this is a hold up and the first motherfucker who doesn't lay down on the floor is gonna get shot in the head. Fahizah meanwhile was menacing the room with her submachine guns and kicking customers who'd followed Cin's instructions while screaming SLA! SLA! get on the floor and you won't get hurt!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they are getting hurt.
ED LARSON
And they did what they said.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're kicking me. Hey, now, hey.
ED LARSON
I'm sure it was a tiny foot.
MARCUS PARKS
She was 5 ft tall.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Zoya then hopped over the partition that separated the tellers and the customers so she could reach the cash drawers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they practiced that by jumping back and forth across the couch.
MARCUS PARKS
Patty meanwhile didn't remember saying or doing anything other than pointing her gun at the people on the floor in front of her. She was so blank in fact that the bank's assistant manager later said that when he asked her if he should lie down too, she didn't even hear him. She didn't respond. Suddenly though Patty remembered the whole reason why she was there. The monologue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Spotlights on Patty.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Patty was supposed to say her name and proclaim that this was not a robbery but an expropriation of capitalist funds for the Symbionese Liberation Army which was carrying on a war against the United States on behalf of all the poor, depressed peoples. And that Patty Hearst, Tania, had joined the SLA voluntarily and was fighting on her own free will. But when it came time to say all this, Patty, in the loudest voice she could muster, said this is Tania! Patricia Hearst! And then she immediately forgot everything she was supposed to say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a big moment.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But before she could catch her bearings, Cin signaled that it was time to leave. But as they were heading out, Patty heard the rapid shots of a submachine gun and saw an elderly man stumbling out of the door to the bank. This man was the owner of a neighboring liquor store named Peter Markoff who'd come in just to deposit receipts. From what I can tell, Markoff walked in and immediately tried walking right back out when he saw a bank robbery in progress.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
As I would do.
MARCUS PARKS
But Fahizah, who was amped out of her fucking mind, she crouched her 5 ft frame and fired, hitting Markoff in the right butt cheek and right leg.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Something jumped up and bit me.
MARCUS PARKS
Another customer was entering at the same time, a 70 year old man, and he was also shot and wounded in the hip. Thankfully though both men survived but still lay bleeding on the ground as the members of the SLA hopped over their bodies on their way to the getaway car across the street.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Now we're gonna be driving everywhere. You'll see what happens when you put Kahjoh in charge of the steering wheel. Oh yeah, shame on a fella who tried to run game on a fella!
MARCUS PARKS
Once the team was inside the car, it sped off with the switch car behind them. In the switch car, they've left behind a middle aged woman who had stood at the window of the SLA's Dodge Dart throughout the robbery saying oh how exciting this is! So after just a couple blocks, the inside team switched cars and arrived at the safehouse without incident. And when Zoya and Yolanda returned after dumping the two getaway cars in a parking garage in a distant part of the city, the celebrations began.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. The only way they can.
MARCUS PARKS
For all the shit we talked, it fucking worked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Not a single fucking bit of friction, not a single fucking hitch.
ED LARSON
They shot two people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what they wanted.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the thing, shooting two people, even better press.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because it shows everyone that they don't give a fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. The power of confidence, my friend.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone laughed and congratulated each other. And Gelina, ever the drama major, stuffed a $20 bill from the robbery into her mouth and said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It looks so good I could eat it."
ED LARSON
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
In other words, the SLA had gotten away with it fully and completely, without a single hitch other than Patty forgetting her monologue. Cin thankfully forgave her for that though. And even Fahizah told Patty that it was a good thing that she at least remembered to say her name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what they needed out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's really what they needed was her saying something because it shows that she wasn't there with a gun to the back of her head in that scenario, according to the rest of the population.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup. In all, the SLA had come out with a modern equivalent of over $60,000. Very successful. And when they switched on the radio after returning from admittedly their second successful operation in a row, they heard a new song by The Ohio Players called For The Love Of Money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One of my favorites.
MARCUS PARKS
(song plays) Which is this recognizable and funky as fuck intro.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is on my regular playlist.
ED LARSON
I love that it's 7 minutes long too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love that it's 7 minutes long.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's why it's great.
ED LARSON
(singing) Money!
MARCUS PARKS
Ironically considering the SLA's jubilation, For The Love Of Money is all about how people justify the horrible things they do for money. But at that moment all the SLA cared about was that the revolution was now well funded. But as far as how Patty felt, all hope she had of rescue or escape melted away. She had crossed a line. And in her mind, her situation was plain. Patty was now a bank robber. She was a revolutionary who'd worked side by side with the SLA and there was no turning back now.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is just where the story gets truly done for a lot of people, where they see this and everyone assumed, especially it went like wildfire across the country, people criticizing Patty Hearst. And because the SLA were so up their own ass from all of their various media notices, they were reading all of the opinion pieces. Because it's not that far off from now except now we have so many different digital ways to harass you on a constant level 24 hours a day. Where this was just like they were listening to the radio and reading the newspaper and Patty Hearst realized like everybody hates me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And it's like also at this point you have to realize that if the cops do show up, they're not trying to save you anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In her mind. Now this is instilled, yes. But we know there's things behind, as the omniscient narrators, we know that there are things that are happening behind the scenes. But this is Patty Hearst's reality now is that they'll shoot me just the same as they'll shoot any one of these other people.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And the cops think they love killing people now. Back then it was a lot worse.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Patty's only course of survival was to live day to day and play the part while praying that somehow she would survive. This belief would inform Patty's every action until she was finally arrested, even after most of the SLA was already dead. And even today, when people think about the Patty Hearst story, they think Patty Hearst kidnapped, Patty Hearst bank robbery, Patty Hearst arrested. Oh no!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
There is a massive, actually the vast majority of the Patty Hearst story occurs after the bank robbery.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that begins now.
ED LARSON
But we have less than two episodes left.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Listen, Eddie. Just remember that every episode of Last Podcast, every series of Last Podcast on the Left takes about three hours to get to the proper material and then another three hours to explore the material. That is what we do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well the one threat to Patty being fully accepted into the SLA was a press conference by who else but Steven Weed, who was regularly becoming a fixture in the media when it came to opinions about Patty. Steve told the media that he couldn't believe that Patty had willingly chosen to stay and fight with the SLA of her own free will. And when Patty heard that, she knew that he meant well but wanted nothing more than for Steven to just shut the fuck up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. This is true. Patty realized when she'd made those kind of like... What Patty Hearst has, which I think is an incredibly beautiful quality that has allowed her to live but some people would not like is that she has a true detached sense of self. She's very self conscious and she has a sense of the ironic and that saved her.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She is kind of in that way, like in a hipster mode, her kind of sardonic sense of humor kept her alive. And she realized in this scenario she's like oh that life is gone, Steven Weed is gone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then weirdly though in the change of it, she's watching him say all this stuff and she's just like how the fuck did I ever date you?
ED LARSON
Yeah. You are so dumb.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But she's also thinking like don't give them any fucking ideas that I'm faking this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Like shut the fuck up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you're fucking with my position inside of this room.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That was her biggest concern.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and he's just been like I just fucking, honestly you're the fucking indicate to my sativa and I need that back into play, girl. Because my bong is lonely!
ED LARSON
What's happening right now is just like a bummer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fucking not Swayze, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
Now by this point, even though Steven Weed had been a part of the inner circle when it came to the Hearst family's search for Patty, his many public appearances and press conferences were causing rifts. Because Steven, he kept talking shit about the Hearst family every time he went in front of a camera.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they were a bunch of no good whiteys, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I think he's a narc.
MARCUS PARKS
Additionally the Hearst family had never liked Steven Weed to begin with. They called him Toothbrush behind his back because he was tall, skinny, and he had a big stupid mustache that hung over his mouth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, I was born without an upper lip. So think about that, Mr. Hearst.
MARCUS PARKS
In private, Randy called Steven Weed an intellectual boob, saying that his problem was that he couldn't stop talking to the cameras and quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He's also an asshole."
ED LARSON
I gotta say as much as it hurts me, I agree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Randy also said that Steven Weed wasn't housebroken, although I don't really know what that means.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that he legitimately was just a mess.
MARCUS PARKS
You think he's gonna piss all over the place everywhere he goes?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's a mess or he pisses in the backyard, like literally.
ED LARSON
He probably pissed his pants in front of everyone when he was real scared.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he might have.
ED LARSON
ooh, I wonder if he pissed his pants during the robbery. The kidnapping.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one will ever forget that, man. It's not fair, dude. I pissed myself one time! It was to make myself slick so they couldn't grip me, man.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean to be fair to Steven Weed, like during the robbery he did try his best.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they beat the fuck out of him. He was overpowered and they beat the fuck out of him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because the narrative after, it did sort of suck for him afterwards-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because the narrative after was Steven Weed ran away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's what everyone said.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do it in the movie too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In the movie he goes like boing! He's like Roadrunner out the back window.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's not how it happened at all. But after the robbery, the paranoia at the Hearst home damn near rivaled that of the SLA. Both Randy and Catherine Hearst began sleeping with loaded shotguns on the floor at either side of their bed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Catherine, wake up, I'm sorry. We're gonna need to call the valet because I shot another maid. I was having a very restless dream and she came in, because you know she jerks me off and so I could go back to sleep. And I blew her brains out the back of her hatted head. It is a mess. And so we need another maid to clean it up. All right? Back to sleep. I'll handle it in the morning, I'm sorry to wake you.
MARCUS PARKS
Catherine, she became so used to the idea that one night as they walked upstairs to retire for the evening, she was heard asking Randy, and this is a direct quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Do I get the 12 gauge all 20 gauge tonight, dear?"
ED LARSON
Always give her the 20 gauge. For killing squirrels.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Remember Catherine, now if you're going to use the 20 gauge properly, what I want you to do here is you need to line it against your pubic bone to hold it against and you use your big toe to pull the trigger as you wave as a distractionary measure with one of your hands. That's the way to do it. It's also how Kurt Cobain was murdered. Yes, I know everything.
ED LARSON
Proper newsman.
MARCUS PARKS
Catherine, she even read 'Blood in my Eye', the George Jackson book. Because she was trying to understand the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're so mad. They are just... The anger.
MARCUS PARKS
Meanwhile the highest ranking members of law enforcement on both national and state levels were speaking publicly about Patty. The California Attorney General said that the FBI and the police had been too timid in their search of the SLA out of concern for Patty's safety, adding that quote "the moment of truth had long since passed for Patricia Hearst". Likewise, Bill Saxbe, the US Attorney General, he said in a press conference that Patty was not a reluctant participant in the hold up. He condemned the SLA as common criminals and when he was asked if Patty Hearst was included in that, he said yes, that included Patty Hearst.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also wonder then sometimes like yeah, I think it's just straight up misogyny, they just don't believe that a woman can make these choices for herself.
MARCUS PARKS
But there was also no fucking knowledge of what the fuck was going on with Patty Hearst at this time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course not, of course not. So I could see why they're like oh we might just need to kill all these guys.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe. But in response to this, Randy Hearst called President Richard Nixon directly to complain. Nixon then angrily called Saxbe and chewed him out for what he publicly said about Patty Hearst. Saxbe however stood by his common criminal statement until the day he died.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you can't call any granddaughter of a multibillionaire a common criminal. All right? That's an uncommon criminal.
ED LARSON
It certainly is an uncommon criminal.
MARCUS PARKS
But regardless, the Attorney General's statement heavily influenced public opinion and the stories in the media about Patty got even more hostile. But once Patty accepted this new consensus reality that she was now a full member of the SLA both to herself and to the world at large, her inner turmoil melted away. Her everyday life actually became easier because now she knew what she had to do, go along to get along.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this kind of like, I don't want to get too in the weeds because I read Marcus Aurelius, I like stoicism, I'm not gonna go too deep into it. But it is nice to kind of illustrate this concept where like the ease of knowing there are things that are in my control and there are things that are out of my control. And Patty Hearst had a very good sense of that. She's like now this is my life. But in order for me to live, the goal still is for me to live.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know I'm not a member of the SLA inside of my mind. No one else does. And the only way everybody else is gonna know is if I live. And so I have to go. And we now know, it's a mantra we talk about all the time here at LPN, like the only way out is through.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. And she has no idea how she's gonna survive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
She has no idea how this is gonna end. But she just knows like if I keep living, maybe something will work out.
ED LARSON
Also she's the only one of these motherfuckers that has the chance of having a decent lawyer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Oh yeah. Oh She knows in that way that she could always flip. If she had to, she knows that she could flip but she knows I just can't get shot by the police before I get a chance to flip.
ED LARSON
Or any of these motherfuckers that I live with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But we'll also talk in the next episode about the lawyer that she gets, one of the most famous lawyers in the world that somehow manages to fuck it up as badly as possible.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're still thinking about the monkeys.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the SLA was jazzed as fuck about the success of the Hibernia Bank job. But that euphoria quickly turned to paranoia when they realized that the higher profile meant that the effort to capture them was gonna get even more intense. And it was already intense to begin with. The SLA's faces were everywhere which became a big problem when they started a run out of food.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Because after they robbed the bank, I also find this interesting, they're now stuck.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're stuck in this safehouse, they can't go. And Cin is paranoia to the max and he's like no one's going out, no one's doing jack shit. And they just stayed in this apartment for... I forgot how many, it was like a couple of weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
In this apartment?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. This is like after the bank robbery, they were stuck inside until literally they ran out of every morsel of what could be edible inside the house.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Now how did people know who they were?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pictures of them were everywhere! The bank the footage, they had pulled all of the stills from the bank security cameras.
ED LARSON
But weren't they disguised?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. They wanted people to know it was them.
MARCUS PARKS
Well they already knew who was in the SLA partly from the Marcus Foster murder.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But also mostly it was from the safehouse, remember, that they tried to set on fire and it just led police directly to them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
There was plenty of people... Like when the SLA claimed responsibility for all these crimes, it was very easy for them to figure out who the fuck the SLA was. And so they had these pictures they could put out, this is who everyone is.
ED LARSON
And especially Cin because he escaped from prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the thing is that Cin was the one who went outside first. His answer to getting food was astounding in its audacity and even more astounding in the fact that it worked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just say audacity because it worked. If it didn't work, it's the single dumbest fucking idea I've ever heard.
MARCUS PARKS
Hey, a plan can be both audacious and stupid at the same time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, we started a podcast network.
MARCUS PARKS
Cin figured that all he had to do was go door to door ringing doorbells, cold calling people in the Black neighborhood where their safehouse was located to see who was willing to help the SLA.
ED LARSON
Do you believe in your lord and savior Jesus Christ?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Well he legitimately thought, like this was both interesting in his confidence but also the fact that he thought the way it worked was how it was posited within the theory that he had been around. Which is this idea is that the revolution, once it starts, is going to be welcomed by everyone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that everyone, when he showed up to these people's homes, they were going to applaud his actions and they were going to be so excited and ready to flip the government.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Or at the very least they weren't gonna snitch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now of course the first four or five people who answered immediately slammed their doors in Cin's face. But he finally came upon a young Black Muslim woman who was all too happy to pitch in. But when she came to the SLA safehouse, she had the same question everyone had. So where are all the Black people?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You see the thing is, which is true, Which is Cin's answer was that ah, totally get, totally get what you're saying. This is the white unit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He said this is a white unit but they did need more Black people in their white unit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To help them be more Black.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And this woman was more than welcome to join until she was transferred to a Black unit. But that was only if she wasn't needed to lead another white unit. Because there was a possibility that it was just gonna be a bunch more white people. Finally though-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's very disappointing for a group of Black Muslims. It's very, very disappointing.
MARCUS PARKS
Finally though, after this woman went back to her fellow Black Muslims and talked it through, they asked Cin hey, we all got jobs and kids to take care of, do you think maybe we can join the SLA part time?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I can get you a 1099.
MARCUS PARKS
And this was deemed good enough and these people did grocery runs for the SLA for as long as the SLA remained in the Bay Area.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I still think that they were a little bit... There was some like commiseration with Cinque but I do think a lot of it was the threats. He did arrive armed when he first went to these places, he showed them that he had guns, showed they had guns all on the inside. I do believe that yes, they were appreciative of his politics and who he was but I also think that they were scared of him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep, I would say column A, column B.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now even though the paranoia in the SLA was turned up after the bank robbery, the egos grew just as large, especially after they were getting people in the neighborhood to help them out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In the movie, when Ving Rhames comes in with all the Black Muslims, he's like see here, Black people! That is literally what he does in the movie.
MARCUS PARKS
Cin began promising the other members of the SLA that in the future Symbionese nation, which they all fully believed could be created by defeating the United States of America, the cities would be adorned with statues and monuments dedicated to the original members of the SLA. But at the same time, Cin constantly talked about how he would not live to see any of this come to pass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Too important to live.
MARCUS PARKS
And the idea that none of them would survive this ordeal, including Patty, this began to become more than just a possibility but a certainty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They wanted it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do believe there's a suicide drive at the center of the SLA.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. But before that came to pass, Cin decided to move once again because he was convinced that the pigs were methodically closing in on their safehouse on Golden Gate Avenue. Now the SLA's previous attempt at destroying a safehouse had been incredibly unsuccessful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you remember the Wiley Coyote way they tried to the first time?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So they got a little more methodical with the destruction of evidence until a new safehouse could be found.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Methodical? This is the word you're gonna use?
MARCUS PARKS
There is a method.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, there's a method.
MARCUS PARKS
Technically it is methodical.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is the dumbest shit.
ED LARSON
Literally.
MARCUS PARKS
A method is a method, my friend. Yolanda shredded all their paper material and put it in a large shopping bag labeled 'hot stuff'. This bag was set by the toilet and when someone used the bathroom, they'd dispose of a handful of so-called hot stuff with every flush.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everything's too cute.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate their fucking... I hate that they-
ED LARSON
Everything doesn't need a name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate when they do this.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what? Because they have three theater kids in their fucking group.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And it was the theater kid who did the hot stuff thing. It's Yolanda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course, of course.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But once an outside friend located a new safehouse, Cin decided on the day they departed that instead of being careful with what they abandon, they'd leave behind so much evidence that the FBI would become confused and bogged down at having to sift through so much shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which I think is hilarious because that's the FBI's specialty.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They love sifting through shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is their MO. They specifically are data hogs.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They go through all levels. They love nothing more than a pile of evidence.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just gave them a pile of evidence.
ED LARSON
But they're already like guilty, everyone knows who they are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, you just gotta find them and shoot them in the head.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it's not like the evidence matters at this point anyway.
MARCUS PARKS
No. So the SLA filled the safehouse bathtub with hot water and dumped their books and the rest of their papers inside. Then like a bunch of children, they added cooking spices, condiments, hair dye, and food coloring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That'll get them! And it was all like oh they'll stain their precious cop uniform. Oh have a little cumin, have a little cayenne. Now you're Mexican!
MARCUS PARKS
Teko then suggested they add cyanide crystals, presumably the same ones they used to pack their dumb cyanide bullets. Finally Cin announced that he would add something personal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get this, guys.
MARCUS PARKS
This is so funny, guys. He started pissing in the tub.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's peepee!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm making straight up peepee for the FBI, dog!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And then Teko and Kahjoh were like I'mma piss too!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'mma piss too! Oh Cinque, you piss so good.
ED LARSON
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
And then Gabi straddled the side of the tub and she pissed in it herself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, Gabi.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Yeah, man. That's great. I love the full plan.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And then everybody roared with laughter at the thought of the FBI having to sift through the piss-infused brown slurry.
ED LARSON
I will say it was watered down.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
If it was just piss, it'd be worse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Piss and cyanide.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's piss, cyanide, food coloring, hair dye, and some water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Meanwhile the FBI literally walks in and goes like SLA were here. And then they leave. Great.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Getting even more excited about the idea, Teko began running around the apartment touching everything. Then he dabbed out messages with his fingerprints so when the FBI dusted for prints, they'd find the phrase 'fuck you pigs'. Finally the leftover food and garbage was strewn about the apartment just to make things even more unpleasant for the authorities. And as a final touch, Teko wrote a message on the bathroom wall. It said quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Warning to the FBI, CIA, NSA, NSC, and CBS. There are a few clues in the bathroom. However you will have to wait until they are dry. An additional word of caution, half pound of cyanide crystals have been added to this home brew. So pig, drink at your own risk. There's so many juicy SLA clues throughout this safehouse. However remember that you're not bulletproof either."
MARCUS PARKS
I hate Teko so fucking much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate him.
ED LARSON
Yeah, he's the biggest shithead of them all.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh easily.
ED LARSON
Yeah. But how much cyanide can this guy waste?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a lot of just cyanide just flying around.
ED LARSON
Half a pound?
MARCUS PARKS
Now the new safehouse was in a predominantly Black neighborhood in San Francisco called Hunters Point. And there were concerns that eight white people showing up out of nowhere was gonna draw suspicion. So every white member of the SLA, with Gelina's help, went full blackface for the trip to their new safehouse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Comedy changes, okay?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we all can't be expected to uphold the morality of earlier generations. Yes.
ED LARSON
And a one and a two and a one, two, three.
MARCUS PARKS
Well according to Patty, Teko in particular reveled in the role. Wearing an Afro wig, Teko strutted around the room and lowered the pitch of his voice to what Patty called a cheap imitation of Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer. And no, I couldn't think of a newer reference.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not gonna do well in the new safehouse. I'm gonna tell you what, if you act like Al Jolson in San Francisco-
MARCUS PARKS
You're gonna get the shit beat out of you, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you're lucky.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Teko actually couldn't pull himself away from the bathroom mirror and kept suggesting that he could totally pass quote "as a Black".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at me!
MARCUS PARKS
And even wanted to go out and mingle amongst the people to see if he could test his theory.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Listen.
ED LARSON
I'm gonna try it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna try it, I'm gonna go down there, and get this, guys, get this. I'm gonna ask for a fade at a barbershop. Okay? And then when we're at the barbershop, I know the first thing they say is being like... Okay, let me see if there's a good opening line. All y'all like Whitney Houston? Does that work? Black people are gonna love me.
ED LARSON
Isn't my hair so smooth?
MARCUS PARKS
But once all the white people were given their disguises, Cin put on one of his own. He shaved his face, put on a dress with a stuffed bra, and entered their new neighborhood at Hunters Point in full drag.
ED LARSON
I'd fuck me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't you laugh. I'm the hottest woman in the SLA!
MARCUS PARKS
Now this was May of 1974 and Cin was convinced that the revolution was gonna begin that summer. And when I say convinced, I mean that the SLA was fully expecting a massive uprising across the entire country, a violent insurrection on par with the Bolshevik revolution of 1917 that toppled the Russian czar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
And of course the SLA was gonna be the spark that lit that fuse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They already did it.
MARCUS PARKS
And so Cin began discussing guerilla warfare tactics that the SLA could employ.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well now we're really ramping up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is like the rhetoric inside... Because they got away with the bank robbery and this idea that what they do is about to explode the world-
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a certainty to Cin. And he's like well this concept of essentially attacking them, attacking police one on one in a kind of weird asymmetrical fashion was like super dangerous.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well they could start by shooting down police helicopters which was not out of the realm of possibility.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he said that he shot a guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Well about a year before, a group called the August 7th Guerilla Movement had used two 30 caliber automatic carbines to take down a helicopter in Oakland by shooting the pilot in the head from the ground.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus Christ, things were crazy in the 70s.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
If that happened next week, it would be the biggest news story of the year. It's been completely forgotten.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I never heard of that before right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's actually kind of inspiring.
MARCUS PARKS
But if a helicopter could be taken down once, it could be taken down again. So to begin the next phase of the SLA revolution, Cin broke up their nine person cell into three teams assigned based on each person's strengths and weaknesses. But unfortunately for Patty, she got stuck with the two members of the group she hated the most, Teko and Yolanda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh god, they're pains in the asses.
MARCUS PARKS
She hated Teko for obvious reasons, he was an asshole. But Yolanda was just as bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah because they're married but they weren't supposed to be married anymore. Right?
MARCUS PARKS
They were married but they constantly insisted that they weren't married because being married was bourgeois.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you are married.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They also fought like a married couple all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they were married.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because Teko got jealous when Yolanda slept with Cin. This made them the most irritating pair in the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because god, yeah, because Teko's like what does he do better than I do besides... Oh god! Oh god!
ED LARSON
Now do you think he also found Patty to be annoying and that's why he put her with them?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They thought that she was bourgeois and they were always... He was the asshole that was constantly staring at Patty and being like I don't think you believe it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was that for her. So he was always the shithead. Besides Zoya who resented Patty; hated Patty, he was just like obsessed with the fact that she shouldn't be here.
MARCUS PARKS
Well originally the team that Cin doled out, the original team was Teko, Gabi, and Patty. And then Teko started complaining, he's like you put the two weakest ones with me!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't want them!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And then there was this whole fucking argument about whether not Yolanda could be in it or not. And eventually that was the compromise was that it would be Teko, Yolanda, and Patty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they would do a thing called struggle sessions. They would all get together and everybody would tell each other what they hated most about each other.
MARCUS PARKS
It was also self critique is what they also called it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Self critiques and struggle sessions where-
ED LARSON
Did they do that with the little game with the fingers and they moved it all around?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In China that's the Maoist version of communism is kind of what they brought, like the concept of basically group check to see who's the traitor in the room and see how you've done things to help the state and you confess all your crimes to the state that can give them kompromat against you. And it's kind of what they would do again and again and again and again. It really would have been so much better if they just group fucked.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Or played Werewolf.
MARCUS PARKS
What's werewolf?
ED LARSON
Oh it's a game where you try to figure out who the werewolf is and it's a bunch of people sitting around. It's a game that people play. Everyone's gonna know. I've been forced to play it in multiple groups. Rob's nodding yes. There's a whole movie about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eddie, in Julie's friend group, they play games. We don't play games.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they play games.
ED LARSON
They play games, that's why I play games sometimes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, sure. That's fine. Oh and I also found out that Maoist is more rural and Marxist is more urban.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. We learned a lot about that, didn't we?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, we did. Now as the days went on, there was less socializing between the members of the different teams. And Cin announced that they were about to commence on their biggest combat operation yet. The plan was that each night the three teams would murder police officers with heavy gunfire, then quickly retreat to invade a civilian home. That home would be taken over until the next night when each team would once again return to the streets to do it all over again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And of course when they invaded your home, they would welcome you in with open arms.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you're the amazing inspirational renegade revolutionary group.
MARCUS PARKS
And if of course they didn't welcome you with open arms, fuck them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
This unrelenting guerilla warfare would, the SLA hoped, force police and the National Guard to invade the predominantly Black neighborhood where these murders would take place. And the naked use of force would enrage people so much that they would rise up and join the SLA and the revolution would begin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they definitely wouldn't feel resentment.
MARCUS PARKS
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Definitely not you bringing the entire LAPD-
MARCUS PARKS
The National fucking Guard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The National Guard on you. Yeah, absolutely. They definitely, everybody's on your team.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They all want it.
ED LARSON
And this is 1974 and so this is something that's happened quite a few times across America and every time it just didn't go well.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Now Cin figured that San Francisco was too small and contained for these so-called search and destroy missions to be effective. So he decided that the sprawling urban landscape of Los Angeles would be a far better battleground.
ED LARSON
Kind of agree.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Specifically he wanted to operate in the Los Angeles neighborhoods of Compton and Watts.
ED LARSON
It's gonna be challenging.
MARCUS PARKS
But before the search and destroy missions could be properly planned, authorities discovered the SLA's previous safehouse. Turns out leaving food to rot was a bad idea because it attracted so many cockroaches that they were pouring into the apartment below.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was because you believed that cockroaches were of the people and they should not be killed.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So they were allowed, they had a massive cockroach infestation inside of every place that they stayed. They were covered in cockroaches because they said that they were the people's bug.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And that it was a bourgeois, what do you call it, affectation to not kill a cockroach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, exterminators.
ED LARSON
Is it wrong if I think this is the worst thing about them?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's because you were a cook.
MARCUS PARKS
But soon after the cops discovered the Golden Gate safehouse, they also found one of the SLA's cars. So Cin decided that it was time for them to leave San Francisco for Los Angeles immediately. They would meet in a location in LA that only the team leaders knew. And with that, the SLA left San Francisco. Most of them would never return. Now Yolanda did most of the driving down to LA while Teko sat in the passenger seat. Patty meanwhile laid down on the metal floor in the back of the van where she had easy access to a submachine gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
But as Patty remembered it, she was so far gone by this point that it never occurred to her to pick up the gun and kill these two people that she hated so much. And it's moments like this that make people doubt Patty's story. But really I think the fact is that Patty Hearst very simply, she's not a murderer. Most people aren't. And while it's very easy to say what we would have done in her place, we can never really know what we do until we're in that position.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She didn't know what was waiting for her outside of this scenario. She did not know. And I know that like I do believe in her mind, there's gonna be more and more of Patty Hearst because it's coming from her perspective, a lot of our information besides all the other sources we use to kind of corroborate it. But she is trying to find a validation in words for what she did, which I actually think is extremely difficult.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I think it's a weird scenario and it's very difficult to articulate. She says that she was too far gone. I also think that there is an unconscious thing of what happens in this new chaos? I just got used to this chaos.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The next level of chaos could even be worse than this chaos. And then if I kill these two people, am I gonna... Can Cin come find me? Can Cin come get me?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I Cin gonna kill my family? Is Cin gonna kill a bunch of other people? All that kind of shit.
ED LARSON
It's also a moving vehicle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well they're gonna have to stop to pee at least once.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Now all three SLA teams made it to Los Angeles and the leaders had their meeting at 11 am. It was decided that Fahizah would go out in search of a safehouse and they'd all regroup at five that evening. And sure enough when Fahizah returned at 5 pm, she was ecstatic. She'd found the perfect place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
It was only $70 a month.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's so much room for activities. We could do all of our push ups, we could do all of our gun runs. It's just, it's amazing. There's two couches, we could jump back and forth.
ED LARSON
And there's already cockroaches.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's like we were already there.
MARCUS PARKS
It was the biggest shithole yet. With every single safehouse, it just kept getting worse and worse and worse. There was no electricity in this place at all, nor would there be.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But hey, it's in Compton!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's in Compton. And best of all, the landlord was a super cool Black dude named Prophet Jones who loved freedom fighters like the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is gonna work out great, guys. They're gonna love us.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Prophet Jones kind of sort of recognized Fahizah but couldn't quite place her. So she asked Cin for his permission to reveal their true identities. Cin said sure, go ahead. But it was only after Fahizah whipped out a submachine gun that Prophet Jones believed her. Teko also loved Prophet Jones because after meeting him, Teko gained a great admiration for the man because the prophet was tremendously suspicious of all white people.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Would you get this? I went in there and the first thing he asked me was to hold his pocket. And we walked back and forth for a while, that was really, really fun.
ED LARSON
He fucking hates me and it's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
In fact Prophet Jones told them that they better move in at night because SLA or not, they were still a bunch of extremely unwelcome white kids in Compton. Prophet Jones also told them multiple times that they better not be cops because just a few weeks before an undercover narc had been taken out to an empty lot and shot with his own gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude, the beginning of this, I love the setup of this. So they get in there in the middle of the night. So from as far as I know, Fahizah somehow, however she got connected to Prophet Jones-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She explained to him we are a Black revolutionary group that is here, we're the SLA. And I think at the time he's like fine, we'll check you out. They moved in at night. So they're all huddled in this shack with running water and they're all huddled in a shack in the dark and it's nighttime. And then Prophet Jones walks in and the way they describe him, he's a huge, huge, scary-looking man. Patty Hearst said that he made Cinque look like a child.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? And so he walks in the room and he's eyeballing all of these people. And I think at this time period it's the first time he's seeing that it's all white people and one Black man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's just like what are you doing?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he's just like what in the living fuck is going on here? Like you can't even be in the neighborhood. This is not even about SLA, you guys all could just be from Berkeley and you'd all be getting murdered.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like you're gonna fuck me up essentially.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, he asked his first question was like again, where are the Black people?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See again, this is the Scandinavian outreach program. This is the whole thing, we're getting guys in from Norway, we're getting guys down from Canada.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And Prophet Jones, he knew all about the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure.
MARCUS PARKS
The first thing. And then the second thing he asked was like so why the fuck did you kill Marcus Foster? That was really fucking stupid.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And Cin, he sidestepped the white people question and told Prophet Jones that they'd killed Foster because he was an undercover CIA agent. At that point Jones, he just fucking shook his head, he left and on his way out he kind of just gave him a sarcastic like good fucking luck!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Enjoy! If he's not a member of the CIA.
MARCUS PARKS
Goddamnit. He's not!
ED LARSON
He's a prophet, we all know that.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as far as like finding a good place for the SLA to hide in Los Angeles, Fahizah could not have picked a worse location. This particular area of Compton had a heavy police presence with helicopters hovering above every night and police cars constantly patrolling the roads outside the house. Neighborhood folk were also stopping staring and pointing at the safehouse because word had obviously gotten around that there was a nest of white people living inside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because think about this, you got like a shack filled with Boo Radleys.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're all looking through the slots because they're theater kids.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We all look through the curtains at the audience.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just going like (whispering) they're gonna love us.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) Do you think that one would play handball with me? You think maybe we could all play dominoes together?
ED LARSON
They're all blasting the Glenn Miller Orchestra.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (singing) I like to sing-a, about the moon and June and a-spring-a. I like to sing-a.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as such, after Zoya and Yolanda went out to the grocery store one time, no one went outside after that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) We got a lot of attention outside.
MARCUS PARKS
Pretty soon the SLA was reduced to eating a slimy cold mixture of canned spinach and okra flavored with bits of canned mackerel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Revolutionary casserole.
MARCUS PARKS
And completely cut off from the outside world in a house without electricity, the SLA began sinking into a strange group psychosis. While listening to the battery operated radio for news about themselves, Cin started hearing messages in song lyrics that he believed foretold the coming revolution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This song's making me say I'm a walrus. I'm not a walrus.
MARCUS PARKS
Patty-
ED LARSON
I'm the eggman!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm the eggman! (whispering) Goo goo g'joob.
ED LARSON
Goo goo g'joob.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is it Swahili? I don't recognize.
MARCUS PARKS
Patty, just as lost in the sauce as the rest of them, she didn't doubt Cin's interpretations for a second but figured that she just wasn't knowledgeable enough to understand what Cin was talking about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's an important note for anybody dealing with an unrepentant crazy person. Just being like bro, you getting something I don't understand. I'm with you, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. And this was after less than a week of them being trapped in this house together. Finally though the SLA entered its final cult form. One night, Cin gathered everyone together for a meeting and as they sat around a candle, Cin announced that he was a prophet sent to earth to lead the people, implying-
ED LARSON
No, that's the landlord.
MARCUS PARKS
But he implied that he was descended from god. Did not say outright.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean honestly, I hate to do this, I don't want to blow up his spot but I'm god's second cousin. Big for me, he doesn't like when I call him. But yeah.
ED LARSON
I don't wanna name drop or nothing. You ever heard of Yahweh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I call him Uncle Yahweh.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Patty wasn't at her level best mentally but she was cognizant enough to think that Cin was obviously having some sort of breakdown. But the rest of the SLA sat in awe, following and believing every word of their leader. In other words, when the top guy starts saying he's god, the end is near.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. It's like every single episode of Top Chef or any competition show where they start talking about how they miss home.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know they're about to go home.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after a week in Los Angeles, Cin decided that it was time to start the revolution with the aforementioned search and destroy missions where they would kill cops night after night until the National Guard was sent in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now while we're good and rested and our brains are nice and tight.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone's got enough mackerel? Good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good. Let's kill some cops.
MARCUS PARKS
But before that could happen, the SLA needed heavy clothing for protection. But in the very first step towards the revolution, shit immediately went wrong and the whole thing fell apart because Teko is a fucking moron.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wish somebody told me Teko was the moron.
MARCUS PARKS
See Teko and Yolanda were the least recognizable members of the SLA because they were just average ass white people and neither one had been on the inside team during the bank robbery. But since Patty was part of their team, she went with them on a shopping trip to Inglewood despite being the most recognizable member of the SLA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just didn't even care anymore, they had lost the plot in that way.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But either way, all three were on a mission to buy combat gear from a store called Mel's Sporting Goods. Now Patty stayed behind in the van but after Teko and Yolanda had been in the store for a good long while, Patty looked out the window to see what she could see. There, just outside the store, she saw Teko on the ground struggling fiercely as several men had him pinned to the ground.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can't detain me, I will not be detained!
ED LARSON
Don't tase me, bro.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't tase me, bro.
MARCUS PARKS
Yolanda meanwhile was being held by another man and was trying to kick herself free. Both of them were looking directly at Patty, waiting for her to take action. And since Patty had been training for a moment just like this day after day for a month and a half, living and breathing every word these idiots said, the training took over. See in situations like this, an SLA member was supposed to fire above their comrade's head to startle whoever was detaining them so they'd have a chance to run away. So without a second thought, Patty grabbed Teko's submachine gun, shoved it out the window, and aimed it above Teko and Yolanda's head. She then pulled the trigger and fired. The gun however had heavy recoil and it jumped out of her hands with the first pull of the trigger. But after steadying herself, she kept the finger pressed on the trigger until the entire clip of 30 shots had been fired. She then reached for her own weapon and got three more shots off before she realized Teko and Yolanda were running towards the van while everyone else ran for their lives. Teko got behind the driver's seat with a handcuff dangling from one wrist. And as he screeched out of the parking lot, all he could do was ask Patty what the fuck took you so long?
ED LARSON
She fucking saved his ass!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he's a bitch.
MARCUS PARKS
He's an asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Once they were on the road, Patty had a second to think about what happened and she couldn't believe that she just rescued the two people in the SLA that she hated the most.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We talked a lot about this because this is one of those. Again, this is a big contention point.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the biggest contention point really.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the biggest one. But you see we brought up before she had a lot of quote unquote "training". It was a lot of bad training, right. So they had a lot, she had poor trigger discipline. She was bad at what she was supposed to do. And this is all nonsense anyway that she was fed by Cin. So I understand because in her mind she blames the training, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She says the training is what happened.
MARCUS PARKS
She said that the only answer she could find is that she acted instinctively because she'd been drilled and trained to do what she did for months. And by the time that they'd finished with her, she was a true soldier in the Symbionese Liberation Army. That's what she wrote in her book.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I think there is a subtler answer too which kind of came about before as well which is she did not know what her actions of killing them would lead to. Because she's still in this horrible safehouse with Cinque and all of these people, like she's stuck in this place. Now obviously they're splitting up into teams but she still doesn't know where the hell she's gonna end up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well at this at this very moment she very well could have just sat there and done nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She could have. But she didn't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But if she sat there and did nothing, Teko and Yolanda would have been arrested. And then once the cops came, she could just open up the door and say hey, Patty Hearst here!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Theoretically, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Theoretically, that's the thing. And that's what everybody always says. But I think, Henry, you brought up a good point the other day is that she didn't know what would happen. Like what if Teko and Yolanda got loose and got back to the van? What the fuck are they gonna do to me?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they'll probably kill her.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can see them killing her.
ED LARSON
Because they hate her the most.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, they hate her the most. And that's also like it was kind of a weird security measure from Cinque where he put the two people that hate her the most with her because they were watching her extremely closely. And I think that it just... What do you do afterwards? And again, she's not a murderer.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's not a murderer and she didn't know if the cops were just gonna blow her away.
MARCUS PARKS
That was her biggest fear is that she had been... That was her biggest fear at that moment is that, as I said earlier, she now believed herself to be a member of the SLA. After listening to the news reports, she believes that the rest of the world believes that she's a member of the SLA.
ED LARSON
And they did pretty much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pretty much.
MARCUS PARKS
And it's been drilled into ahead by Cin and the rest of them that if the cops see you, if the cops or the FBI, if any of them see you, they will mow you down on sight without giving you a single fucking warning.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So that's how she survives.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And we all are in agreement that she was a victim in this case. But what she did in that moment is definitely a crime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, it's definitely a crime.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she committed a crime to stay alive.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. As it turned out though, Teko and Yolanda had not been detained because they'd been recognized as members of the SLA. Instead they'd been stopped because Teko had shoplifted.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He was obsessed with the shoplifting apparently.
ED LARSON
They robbed a bank!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's a moron.
MARCUS PARKS
In the great lead up to the revolution, Teko had risked everything because he wanted another little bandolier to hold his bullets. It was so small that he stuffed it up his fucking sleeve.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then also he had hardcore, these are some hardcore sporting goods fucking boys because they fucking wrestled him to the ground.
MARCUS PARKS
Well one of the guys was a junior policeman. He was in police academy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So he was ready for it.
ED LARSON
And back in the day, sporting goods stores were gun stores.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they had guns!
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But even then, they probably wouldn't have been identified as SLA if not for Yolanda. In the scuffle, she'd lost her revolver which was registered in her real name, Emily Harris. That meant that as soon as the registration on that gun was checked, there would be no doubt that the SLA was now in Los Angeles. Now before Teko's team could do anything else, they needed to ditch their van. So after carjacking a Pontiac that died after they drove it for just two blocks, Teko spotted a small blue station wagon that was being loaded up with a lawnmower by a Mexican family. From what Patty said, Teko approached this family and said that he and his two companions were with the Symbionese Liberation Army and needed their car. They weren't stealing it of course, the family would get the car back, but the SLA needed it and they needed it now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is an IOU. That's as good as money.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's a blue station wagon, you're gonna want to hold on to that. And after the owner no doubt eyed both the submachine gun Teko was holding and the handcuffs still dangling from his wrist, he said sure, whatever you need, take the car, buddy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And so while driving away in this poor family's car, Teko's mood lightened as he talked about how Chicanos were just great because like Black people, I mean they share whatever they have with you if they think you really need it. And this further proved that minorities truly did believe in the mission of the Symbionese Liberation Army.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And every day I look in that mirror and I know I'm a shade browner. I know I am.
MARCUS PARKS
Now even though the debacle at Mel's Sporting Goods was a massive fuck up that was entirely Teko's fault, he decided to look on the bright side. He talked about how well they had operated as a team, how good their training had been, and how wise Cinque had been in planning this whole thing from the start.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like a shitty like schedule supervisor manager. You know what I mean?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like a middle manager talking about this. It's like we're really digging in here and I'm loving our turnarounds, I'm loving our numbers.
MARCUS PARKS
But unbeknownst to them, their fuck up was even larger than they realized. See when they abandoned the van under the orders of General Teko, Patty was instructed to remove only the essentials, basically the guns and ammo. One of the things she'd left behind was one of the gun carrying cases. This case contained... This is so fucking Son of Sam.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's exactly how things work out.
MARCUS PARKS
This case contained a parking ticket that had been issued just a block from the SLA safehouse in Compton. And that parking ticket would allow police to greatly narrow their search for the SLA in Los Angeles.
ED LARSON
Is there a house around here filled with white people?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep! It's over there. You can hear it from here. (singing) Tiptoe through the window! All they do is play novelty songs and eat mayonnaise.
MARCUS PARKS
And you can hear it off in the distance, Dr. Demento! That's them. That's them. That's always them. Now by this point, Teko's team was acting a bit manic. Convinced that they should switch cars again, they carjacked a Ford Econoline van and took the teenage owner hostage for an entire night, driving around Los Angeles looking for a hardware store that was still open so they could buy a hacksaw to cut the handcuff off Teko's wrist. After spending a night with the teenage hostage who apparently had a grand old time during his adventure with the SLA-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He really did.
ED LARSON
Honestly as a teenager I probably would have tipped.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like when are we going to go kill some pigs? He was really excited.
MARCUS PARKS
He was actually super into it until like the next day, he was like okay, I'm ready to go home now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I gotta go to school, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But until then he was like so like what's next, bros? This is awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we gotta do this all the time.
ED LARSON
My schedule is clear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude. High school sucks! Can we kill my teachers?
MARCUS PARKS
Actually I think he did say like I do have a baseball game tomorrow but until then I'm yours. Well they ditched him and commandeered a Ford LTD driven by a middle aged businessman. He was nowhere near as excited about being kidnapped as the teenager.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you guys like TPS reports? Can you guys actually drop me by the Sweetgreens? I pre- ordered a salad on the app and I gotta pick it up.
ED LARSON
So in order to lay low, they've now stolen four cars?
MARCUS PARKS
Four cars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Like I said, it's manic at this point. But while they were driving around, Teko turned on the radio and heard his entire idiotic story from Mel's Sporting Goods told again and again, where he was identified as a shoplifter trying to steal a pair of sweat socks. Indignant, Bill whined, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was a bandolier and I didn't steal it."
MARCUS PARKS
He was so mad that they said he stole sweat socks instead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was a bandolier.
MARCUS PARKS
Because a bandolier is cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's cool!
MARCUS PARKS
Sweat socks aren't cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Che Guevara. It's cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Teko was able to pass along a message at a dead drop that the cops were probably coming for the SLA, they had five dead drops around Inglewood and Compton. So when the authorities surrounded the safehouse at West 84th, it was completely empty. He managed to get the message to the rest of the SLA. And feeling quite proud of himself as he listened to the announcement on the radio that the SLA raid had been a bust, Teko decided that his team should lay low for a few days.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just chill out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yolanda suggested that they blend in with the tourists at Disneyland. So after dumping their hostage and getting a new car, car number five, this one they actually bought for $300-
ED LARSON
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Teko's team drove out to Anaheim.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, of course America, the only place where they put a mouse above a revolution.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is from the movie.
ED LARSON
That's because there's a (singing) great big beautiful tomorrow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't do this.
MARCUS PARKS
But once they arrived in Anaheim, they heard on the radio that the police were surrounding yet another suspected SLA safehouse and were preparing a full assault. Teko again laughed, said the pigs are gonna come up empty again. This of course was not the case. When Team Teko finally got into their motel room and turned on the TV, they saw a live broadcast coming from outside a white Stucco house. The journalist on air kept repeating that the SLA were trapped inside and had refused the police's demand to come out and surrender. Within minutes the shootout began and the camera caught the fiery blast of a shotgun coming from one of the front windows. The shooter was without a doubt Willie Wolfe, aka Kahjoh. And that's where we'll pick back up for our conclusion to our series on Patty Hearst.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good work.
ED LARSON
What a cliffhanger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
ED LARSON
I hope they're gonna be okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't wanna spoil it for you.
MARCUS PARKS
No way they're not gonna be okay!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think we're gonna make it! Poor Willie Wolfe, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Guys, there's only 70 or 80 cops outside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think if we show the cops how powerful the revolution is, they'll join us! They're all dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone go out, check out our Patreon, patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft where you can see video versions of every single episode. Go follow us on TikTok and Instagram @LPontheleft. Check out all of our streams at twitch.tv/lpntv to watch them live, otherwise watch them after the fact on our YouTube channel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to see all the shows we got coming up. Washington DC, we're gonna be all up in your shit next week.
ED LARSON
Coming! I'm fucking the Washington Monument.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man. I'm coming to have sex with Joe Biden!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna meet her, I wanna seduce her! I wanna get in there, I wanna take her out to a nice meal. All right? Were coming to DC! And I have a special surprise for people who come to the DC show.
MARCUS PARKS
That's great.
ED LARSON
Don't get us in trouble.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A very special surprise.
MARCUS PARKS
And we're also gonna be coming to London and Reykjavik in Iceland in October.
ED LARSON
October.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
October.
MARCUS PARKS
October. And of course don't forget about our Australia shows which are coming up very quickly in August. We're gonna be there before you know it so get your tickets now please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also we are gonna have an announce via social media, this is for all of our Australian listeners that have bought tickets to these shows. We had said to all of you-
MARCUS PARKS
It's been three years.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been four years.
MARCUS PARKS
Four years, fuck me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been four years.
MARCUS PARKS
And I'm still sick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're coming. We are coming, we got the tickets!
MARCUS PARKS
We're coming one way or another.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We bought the tickets, we're coming. But I want you to know is that we do owe you-
ED LARSON
A special wizwazzle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. We owe you a livestream and we are going to have an announcement about that for ticket holders to the Australian tour, we're going to have an announcement for that very, very soon. There's gonna be a form you're gonna fill out because we are scheduling this livestream that we're gonna do before we come to see you in person. And we'll do like, you'll see, it'll be fun. But you gotta have a ticket to the Australian tour.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
Also our Chicago show sold out. Very excited for that. But Henry and I are gonna do Side Stories the night before on September 13th at the Park West. So come check that out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come check it out. It's a very different show. Less prepared.
ED LARSON
Yes, very much so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's gonna be fun. It's gonna be fun, we're gonna make it up. So thank you guys and hail sweet Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh and hail Gein. And also don't forget No Dogs in Space, the Can series has begun and we will return after the holiday with part two.
ED LARSON
Yes. And listen to The Brighter Side and hail Amber Nelson because today is her birthday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Happy birthday.
MARCUS PARKS
Happy Birthday, Amber.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Only getting younger.
ED LARSON
I don't think that's... Fine, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.