HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) All I want to say is that they don't really care about us. That's what this is about, dog. That's what fucking today's about, dude.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't care about us, man! They don't care what fucking happens to us, dude. They want to divide us up for the aliens' dispensation, friend. Dude.
ED LARSON
Jesus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking two fingers in the air. Two fingers in the air like you got no toaster and you just don't care. Two fingers in the air!
ED LARSON
Peace sign but with a pinky and a ring finger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My penis is like a hot dog and I just don't care.
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm with the hot dog penised Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't fold the napkin but I can disclose the truth to the American people.
ED LARSON
I bet he could do more with those fingers than you thought.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not according to Mrs. Schneider.
ED LARSON
Oh. Well he was missing the wrong fingers.
MARCUS PARKS
And I'm also joined by the regular penised but largely testicled Ed Larson.
ED LARSON
That is accurate as hell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man.
ED LARSON
I'm the only guy who could tittyfuck his own balls.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That'll help the algorithm.
MARCUS PARKS
That's horrible. That's horrible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
And on today's episode we're gonna start the first of a two part series, aliens attack!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! I'm one of you! This is amazing, man. We never got to this story in complete and now it's time to finally do it. Yes, it's a part of a series of alien attacks but we figured that would help the medicine go down.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. We're gonna examine three cases in which extraterrestrials have actually attacked human beings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
These stories involve small scale skirmishes, accidental injuries, and full on battles involving Green Berets, alien Grays, and one brave soul named Phil Schneider.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
And it's with Phil that we'll begin today's episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude.
ED LARSON
Now I know we're gonna get into it but how is an accidental injury war?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ho, hey. A lot of accidents-
MARCUS PARKS
It's an attack.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's an attack.
ED LARSON
How is it an attack if it's an accident?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Technically he started the Dulce War.
ED LARSON
The Dulce War. All right, let's just start.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the accidental attack is gonna... The accident... You know what? Fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, I feel-
MARCUS PARKS
I wrote that wrong. I wrote that bad. Thanks for pointing out my fucking... It's been a long month, man. Fucking Patty Hearst melted my goddamn brain. You're lucky I can string three sentences together at this point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well guess what, man? That type of magnifying glass-like research, the Sauron eye of LPN is now upon this even more important topic than Patty Hearst.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't care about the politics involved.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't care about how important the time period was or how important that story was to true crime; to the fabric of the country in general. It's horseshit. Today we're talking about-
ED LARSON
Nonsense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A man, yeah, who was made out of ice cream that is fighting for the rights of the American citizen. Two fingers up for Phil Schneider. Come one, two fingers up! Also Phil Schneider, according to the FBI man that he spoke to one time, was called the bravest man to ever live.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh. So who was this FBI man?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh his buddy.
ED LARSON
Does he have a name?
MARCUS PARKS
Governor...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He didn't want to disclose due to the sensitive nature of their friendship.
ED LARSON
The untruth of it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nope. Phil Schneider is an interesting case.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Phil Schneider is someone that has come up here and there throughout the years on Last Podcast. But he is particularly attached to the deep underground military base known as the Dulce facility near Los Alamos, which was as we all know the site of the Manhattan Project.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it's a real place, it's a real city. And aliens work inside of there making chimichangas for the local displaced.
ED LARSON
They like chili burgers there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do.
ED LARSON
Green chile burgers to be exact, not just like chili like you put chili on a burger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no, green chile burgers.
ED LARSON
Green chiles made into a sauce and put on the burgers, they look phenomenal.
MARCUS PARKS
I adore green chile burgers. Now,Phil is your classic old school new world order conspiracy theorist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah he is.
MARCUS PARKS
A geologist and engineer by trade, Phil claimed to also be an important figure in NATO who helped construct deep underground military bases which are unironically referred to as DUMBs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I do think that's kind of more of a feature than a bug because they give it a silly name because it's a way to wash it over. But there is an entire world of deep underground military bases that are incredibly important to our intelligence services.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Phil resigned from his post in protest after attending two United Nations meetings at an underground base in New York City in which he learned that the new world order was collaborating with otherworldly beings in their pursuit of the alien agenda.
ED LARSON
And by underground base in New York City means he was screaming on the subway.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, a lot of truth happens underground. That's also where it's legal to have an erection. If you're sat at a train station, I just got word that apparently it is illegal to walk around turgid.
ED LARSON
In Utah!
MARCUS PARKS
In Utah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not in god's favorite state California though, where my erection points the way towards the best cold brew in any area that I'm in.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Tie a flag to it, they said.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As long as it's an American flag.
MARCUS PARKS
Well following Phil's resignation, he spent two years giving a series of lectures in various hotel conference rooms across the country about government cover ups and secret alien agendas. This is pre internet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It had to be small audiences and it had to be small venues because as he said multiple times, I am doing this illegally, I'm doing this against my better judgment, I am doing this in the face of pure danger.
ED LARSON
That is a very good impression.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. I spent hours watching him. I went and dug up all of the stuff that was left of him because oddly, mysteriously a lot of it was taken off the internet.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he sounds like Jesse Ventura with a cold.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does sound like a more degraded George Noory.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in these lectures, Phil detailed the underground battle which took place during the construction of the Dulce facility in August of 1979, in which members of the American military along with private contractors engaged with alien Grays and came out the other side with only three survivors. One of them of course being Phil Schneider.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm one of the only survivors left, I'm the only one brave enough to talk. My other friends of committed suicide by the government and suicide by diabetes. It is an unfortunate circumstance of being one of the only people to harbor the radioactive nature of the truth.
MARCUS PARKS
Well these lectures however all led to an alleged assassination in January of 1996. Like all the great conspiracy theorists, Schneider was reported to have died by suicide. But many in the UFO community believe that Phil was murdered by the government because of the secret information he was revealing to the public.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you know if you put the number 58008 into a calculator it becomes magically the word 'boobs'. I know the things they don't want you to know.
MARCUS PARKS
And so to see how Phil's life turned into this wild ride, let's get into his full story as it was told in the book-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very subtly titled and I appreciate that you put it all in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Phil Schneider: One of the Bravest Whistleblowers of the 20th Century with Overwhelming Evidence to Confirm that the Oklahoma City and World Trade Center Bombings and 9/11 were False Flag Attacks' by Arthur Berkeley.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's under one. And I actually do think it goes under F for false flags. If you are going to put it into a library.
MARCUS PARKS
Dewey Decimal System?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. There's a lot of sources about Phil Schneider. There was a great documentary sent by our friends, friend now, our friend Darcy Weir.
ED LARSON
Darcy! I watched it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fun.
MARCUS PARKS
It certainly relies quite a bit on RT for its sources which are Russian propaganda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey! That's how else we get the truth about America.
ED LARSON
And they didn't mention that he lost all his fingers. They said toenails but not fingers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They turned my phone into a crisp, they opened me up like a fish.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. Just lost three fingers on his left hand. But I don't know why they didn't mention that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Two fingers up.
MARCUS PARKS
So Phil Schneider was born in April of 1947 at Bethesda Navy Hospital in Maryland to two German immigrants named Oscar and Sally. Now Oscar was a U boat captain during WWII who sank an estimated 68 Allied ships. But Phil Schneider and anyone who writes about Phil in a positive light are all very careful to never say that Phil's father was a Nazi.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They specifically never say the N word.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Instead they say that Oscar Schneider either served in Hitler's Navy or the even more innocuous German military.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
ED LARSON
Oscar had that great quote. 'U boat, me Nazi'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's funny. Eddietunes.com. But he was a mysterious fellow in his own right, Oscar Schneider.
MARCUS PARKS
Now it seems as if Phil Schneider was destined for a life of high strangeness because he said that his father had worked on secret Nazi time travel experiments in his capacity as a master machinist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's not a term to be taken lightly. A master machinist could take a chunk of metal and make it into a lamp. He could take a chunk of metal and he can make it into a gun. He could take a chunk of metal and he can make it into a time traveling interdimensional ship. He's a master machinist.
MARCUS PARKS
He did actually say that his father could take a hunk of metal and turn it into a gun.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I did hear that quote as well. And good for him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's proud of his dad.
MARCUS PARKS
Well-
ED LARSON
Makes one of us.
MARCUS PARKS
Well for an example of Oscar's handiwork, one of his experiments involved a weapon called die glocke or the clock. Die glocke was designed to be a glowing, rotating contraption that was rumored to have an anti-gravitational effect that was used for both Nazi time travel and presumably Nazi UFOs.
ED LARSON
Do you think that's why Hitler killed himself because he went into the future and saw that he lost and he was like oh I might as well just kill myself?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well fuck.
ED LARSON
So since Oscar Schneider was involved in these Nazi time travel UFO experiments, he was recruited by the United States government during Operation Paperclip along with other Nazi scientists like Wernher von Braun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is asked for by name.
MARCUS PARKS
But while Werner took America to the moon, Oscar Schneider was allegedly assigned to work under the sea, assisting in the development of nuclear submarines. Now as far as Oscar Schneider's involvement in Operation Paperclip, that part may very well be true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We took him up, he did work for the US government.
ED LARSON
The witness relocation program.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He definitely was a German soldier. Wink, wink, wink.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I don't know, Hitler's army isn't much better than saying he was a Nazi.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he just reminds me of McHale's Navy. So all I hear when I see Hitler's army, I just see like a bunch of weird dumb Nazis going like oh! Like falling down in trenches and stuff and going oof, oh no! And like Hitler's pants falls down while he's visiting FDR and he goes damn you, Colonel Stink! Like that's all I see.
MARCUS PARKS
When it came to stuff that's a little harder to prove, Oscar Schneider was also allegedly assigned to the legendary Philadelphia Experiment in 1943.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
With the legendary Carlos Allende, ha-ha-ha!
MARCUS PARKS
Ha-ha! The Philadelphia Experiment was allegedly America's attempt at creating invisibility technology by making a battleship disappear. But instead of making it disappear, they sent it into the future 40 years before it was brought back to its correct time, which if I remember correctly caused a fair amount of death and madness amongst the crew.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well one of the telltale signs of the conspiracy theory-
ED LARSON
They merged with all the metal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And that's what they say connects Oscar Schneider to all of this is that there was some information going back and forth about guys with transistors found embedded in their bodies.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they were stretched and they were included in the metal and all that shit.
ED LARSON
I did not carry the one. So you guys haven't done a Philadelphia Experiment episode?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A million years ago.
MARCUS PARKS
Long time ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But now I have new stuff so we always could do it again.
ED LARSON
I love that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It doesn't go away.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But the thing is about this story is that it contradicts Phil's claims because Operation Paperclip didn't begin until 1945. Philadelphia Experiment, 1943. So Oscar Schneider, if he was a part of Operation Paperclip, could not have been involved in the Philadelphia Experiment because he was too busy sinking Allied ships.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. This is more indicating that Oscar Schneider had documents from this time period.
MARCUS PARKS
That he was not involved in the Philadelphia Experiment itself but he was consulted later as in like what the fuck happened?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is the contention that they are making.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that he just had documents on him that quote unquote "proved" that the Philadelphia Experiment was real. There was a couple of things on the documents that say stuff like Operation Big Sky which is kind of one of those, again, long old school, old head conspiracy theory connecting back to Philadelphia Experiment titles. There was also this stuff about how asking for special medical officers to come down to go look at these like top secret essentially victims of some massive top secret thing that went wrong.
ED LARSON
So if the Philadelphia experiment was real, wouldn't the ship have appeared for a little while in 1983?
MARCUS PARKS
It did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what they say.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what they say.
ED LARSON
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they said that it appeared like in 1983 and everyone was like what the fuck was that? And then it went back again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what they say.
ED LARSON
It's fucking awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is. Philadelphia Experiment is fun. We might do it again.
MARCUS PARKS
The Philadelphia Experiment, it is really fun because it's connected also to the Montauk Project.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's really where we gotta go next. Rob and I were talking about this the other day.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna go into Montauk Project because I got a bunch of books, Rob gave me his old books.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For the Montauk Project because he's from Long Island and he was made by them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean Stranger Things is just the Montauk Project meets The Goonies.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They stole their entire world from the Montauk Project. Now either way, Oscar apparently kept his entire past a secret from his son Phil, including the fact that Oscar was born in Germany. Apparently Oscar Schneider and his wife had perfected an American accent before Phil was born and maintained it until the day they died, telling their son that they're just from California.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(German accent) We are just from far, far east California.
MARCUS PARKS
(German accent) We are from Fresno! Well Oscar Schneider only revealed his Nazi past and his involvement with various top secret operations to his son Phil on his deathbed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you tell me we weren't the first Pacific pilgrims? Daddy, I can't believe this betrayal. But he did come forward with a bunch of other information. This is where he revealed that he was in intelligence ops and he was essentially stolen from the German government and given to us and that essentially it would be up to Phil to carry it on.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after studying engineering in college, Phil built a reputation as a gifted geological engineer. And while it doesn't seem like he intended to follow in his father's footsteps, he ended up being involved in military operations anyway through a job with the Morrison- Knudsen Corporation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he did work for one of these big weird engineering firms that had government contracts. So that does track. But before this it's kind of muddy. There was a FOIA request that was made a couple of years ago. And then eventually all of this stuff was declassified in 2021 which actually I'm kind of glad we waited. Because a lot of stuff came out about Phil Schneider that, I mean, it's not that it's debunking him, it just adds to the soup.
MARCUS PARKS
It definitely-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's adding some saffron to the soup.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's just say it paints a much more three dimensional character than what was previously presented to the conspiracy community.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So essentially Phil Schneider, he was what he called a self-styled geologist and self-taught man, right. He loved rocks more than he loved having sex with a woman.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Some people are dumb as rocks, he's smart as rocks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Smart as rocks. And guess what? If you've met rocks, have you met some smart ass rocks? But Phil Schneider-
MARCUS PARKS
He does seem like the type of guy who's gonna argue with you about the fucking difference between a rock and a mineral.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you understand that a mineral has so much more to gain. It has so much more to give! But Phil Schneider, so he said he wanted to teach himself how to be a geologist and he loved rocks. And he was going to school but it was before he went all the way into becoming a geologist. Right now we know that he got a Bachelor's and I don't know really how far he went after that. We know that he was recorded as having an IQ of 163.
ED LARSON
Which is high.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is very high.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Strange guy. But according to these leaked documents, he had a run in with an FBI before any of this started. So at some point because he was interested in rocks and he was interested in funky rocks, he asked around and I guess he had several roommates that discovered that he bought this... This is a two bedroom apartment in Portland. He brought in 100 lbs of all of this rocklike material that he purchased from just some guy. He got connected to somebody else, he brought it into the house. Eventually these two roommates got really suspicious on him and called because it seems like getting really weird because they're like what's wrong with these rocks? They smell weird. All this is weird. I don't feel good. Turns out he had brought into their apartment 80 pounds of radioactive material that he stored under his bed. This is all according to real FBI files.
ED LARSON
Portland weird, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did. The FBI get called saying we think someone's trying to create a nuclear weapon in an apartment building. So they show up. Thankfully when you do read FBI records, which I do love, you can feel sometimes a sarcasm in it where you could definitely... They arrived expecting this guy to be Osama bin Laden and all of a sudden you walk in and it's Osama bin Shit. You know what I mean? Like he's not good at his job.
MARCUS PARKS
This is not the Rosenbergs here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy is not going to destabilize everything. You have two essentially very, very sick men. Now he was at this point, he had all these rocks, they were highly radioactive. They're like this is against the Atomic Commission. Essentially we could put you in the Hague for this, this is like an international war crime.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's just being like you could go ahead and take my funky rocks.
ED LARSON
Just fucking glowing and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he deeply irradiated himself. So remember that, keep that in the back of your head.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he deeply irradiated himself and his roommates. Can you imagine your roommate fucking irradiating you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude.
ED LARSON
I'd be really mad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
I'd be really upset.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They found literally a... They had cell changing amount of radiation not just in the apartment, the bed had to be thrown away, it had to be given to the government to get away.
ED LARSON
They threw away the bed?!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, buddy. The apartment building itself was radiated. The parking lot of the apartment building also had trace amounts of dangerous radiation in it. They pull all of the stuff out which led to him saying 'I'll kill every single FBI agent that's trying to take my fucking rocks!' which he said several times to the FBI. But I had to come back and say is it true? The same roommate that essentially gave you up to us for having nuclear material is also saying you're gonna kill a bunch of FBI agents. And he was like I will never, I would never do something like that. I'm just a man that needs rocks in a way that others don't. Take a look at these two fingers. You know for a fact this is something that counts for me.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this is long before he lost the fingers. This is when he's just a dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll get to that.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Morrison-Knudsen had a lot of government contracts and when Phil was working for them in the late 70s, they were allegedly working for the US Army Corps of Engineers, constructing deep underground military bases. And so since DUMBs, deep underground military bases, since they play such a huge role in Phil's story, let's explain exactly what they are, how they fit into conspiracy thought, and what the reality of DUMBs actually are. Now according to Richard Sauder, author of the book 'Underground Bases and Tunnels', the US government has been building deep underground military bases since WWII. And once again the technology for building and maintaining DUMBs came from the Nazis or allegedly. Because from what I've come to understand from studying conspiracies for well over a decade now, conspiracy theorists tend to almost revere the Nazis as having superhuman intelligence when it comes to technology.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is there a reason why? It's because it's also making them appear to be that that's how dangerous they were.
MARCUS PARKS
I think that's part of it. But I think this also may go some way towards explaining why so many modern conspiracy theories involve the Jewish folk. But considering how Jewish people have been at the center of conspiracy theories for centuries, the reverence conspiracy theorists show towards Nazi technology might be a feature and not a bug, if you know what I mean.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't.
MARCUS PARKS
It's because they love Nazis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Sure, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the Nazis didn't like the Jews.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But either way, the technology developed by the Nazis was allegedly perfected by nuclear physicists at Los Alamos who built nuclear powered tunnelers called TBMs or tunnel boring machines. These machines essentially vaporized rock using flame jets, water cannons, vibrations, freezing guns, plasma guns, electron pulses, and nuclear melting beams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude.
ED LARSON
They fucking hate rocks.
MARCUS PARKS
This supposedly allows the TBMs to tunnel up to seven miles in a single day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know there is theoretical nuclear drills.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We just don't know whether or not they're actually being used or not. We know that they do drill gigantic holes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because there are some of these bases. We know they drill them out. We know Phil Schneider developed the technology.
MARCUS PARKS
We know that he developed the technology?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He said it! He said he made other hitherto deflagellation methods that have simply been stolen by every single international boring company you've ever met.
MARCUS PARKS
He calls it deflagel... What was it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Deflagellation.
MARCUS PARKS
It's fucking...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's real.
MARCUS PARKS
Is it? Deflagellation?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's that, it's using the heat and water to blow away the rock on the outside of a drill.
ED LARSON
Oh. I thought that was how they made your hat. Deflagellation. Stomp my flag, I'll-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eat your ass.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wore this for Phil.
MARCUS PARKS
But these tunnels bored by the TBMs are said to connect the deep underground military bases through a series of magnetic levitation trains that travel faster than Mach 2.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Over 1400 MPH. These trains connect 131 DUMBs in the United States and they connect some of the 1477 DUMBs that exist worldwide.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The express that you take from Rhode Island to France-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is amazing.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, it goes under the ocean?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
Why not through the ocean?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh because fish.
MARCUS PARKS
Now 131 DUMBs seems like a lot of DUMBs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yup.
MARCUS PARKS
But conspiracy theories aside, there are at least two very real DUMBs in the United States that are byproducts of America's Cold War with the Soviet Union. Although there aren't really DUMBs because they're inside mountains, although technically they are under the ground even if that ground is high.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The ground is higher than us but it's in the ground. So yes, it's underground. That's how I would put that. Yes. But they say this, I do believe-
ED LARSON
Lockheed Martin's in a DUMB.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. They use natural rock formations that are already hollowed out and then they put things in them. That's a part of one of the ways that they do it for real.
MARCUS PARKS
The lesser known of these two bases is the Raven Rock Mountain Complex, nicknamed Harry's Hole after the president who had it built, Harry Truman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Aw cool.
ED LARSON
I mean that sounds disgusting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Of course. Let's all take the family down to Harry's Hole.
ED LARSON
Yeah, ride that train through Harry's Hole!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, my sweet little daughter. Let me lower your feet into Harry's Hole. Yeah, nice. Nice, waist deep. Head first.
ED LARSON
How long does it take to build a DUMB?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Easy. Lickety-split, three months. In and out. It's easy. It's not poppycock.
MARCUS PARKS
He did say three months. Yes, poppycock and poopoo-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's poppycock. It's nothing but poppycock to say you can't make an underground military base in under two weeks.
MARCUS PARKS
He loved saying poppycock and poopoo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Easy to do, order on Amazon Prime.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the idea with Raven Rock, located close to the White House in Waynesboro, Pennsylvania, is that the government could still operate should Washington come under attack, nuclear or otherwise. According to Garrett Graff-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank god.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, the author of a very respectable and factual book called 'Raven Rock: The Story of the US Government's Secret Plan to Save Itself'. I actually hear this book is fucking incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It feels like we should do an episode on this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. A listener... I've actually had this book on my shelf for a while now wanting to read it because I hear it's just fucking, I hear this book is absolutely insane. But Raven Rock is a massive freestanding city with three story buildings built inside of a mountain.
ED LARSON
That's cool.
MARCUS PARKS
It has a medical facility, a fire station, a police department, and a dining hall that serves four meals a day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am angry because the Chinese food is not nearly as authentic as I thought it would be. I had a wonton the other day and I almost threw up. I can't believe what kind of an institution's going on here.
ED LARSON
Luckily his hands have chopsticks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are my eating fingers.
MARCUS PARKS
See Raven Rock was created at the dawn of the Cold War in the late 40s, where not only the government but a select number of civilians could escape should the Soviets launch a nuclear attack.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd love to see that list. Because you know it's like-
ED LARSON
Not you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Milton Berle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like who all goes down there in the pit in 1949?
MARCUS PARKS
Frank Sinatra.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Fucking Dean Martin. Not Jerry Lewis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! Get him out of there. Dude, you know what I was going through today?
ED LARSON
I thought you were gonna say that Bob Newhart died which I'm very sad about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're all very sad. I couldn't even continue. I can barely speak.
ED LARSON
Bob Newhart could barely speak as well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's very old. I was looking this up, so Dennis Quaid for some reason is playing Reagan in a new like right wing like Reagan is amazing movie like idea.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Guess who's playing Frank Sinatra?
ED LARSON
How old is he? Well it's an older Frank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Harvey Keitel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Scott Stapp.
ED LARSON
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is playing Frank Sinatra.
MARCUS PARKS
No!
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) I've got the world on a string! I feel like what is he gonna do? How would he physically be able to sing like Frank Sinatra?
MARCUS PARKS
(singing) I heard a stranger in the night!
ED LARSON
he does sing like 78 year old Frank Sinatra.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But yeah, that was when he was going like (singing) blue eyes looking at me, nothing but blue eyes do I see.
MARCUS PARKS
Well at the time of Raven Rock's construction, the Soviets didn't have a particularly large nuclear arsenal and it was estimated that the government would have at least an eight hour warning before the bombs were dropped. But when the Soviet bombs became Soviet missiles, the eight hour window shrunk to 15 minutes and the plan to save the locals and the government became a plan to save a small number of policymakers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just gonna make a little desk over in Raven Rock just in case. And I'm just gonna kind of maybe we'll go check it out. Like ooh, I got my favorite snacks in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Now when the Soviet Union collapsed in the 90s, Raven Rock powered down just a bit. But after 9/11, Raven Rock expanded again and today it can hold anywhere between 6,000-10,000 people. And the complex is staffed every hour of every day. Skeleton crew but still it's ready for a fucking avalanche.
ED LARSON
I think it's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And if there's nothing I know better about our government, I know that each one of those 10,000 spots are saved for some of the most vulnerable members of our society, the congressmen.
MARCUS PARKS
And they deserve it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just deserve it. They deserve everything.
MARCUS PARKS
For as much as they sacrifice for us. They sacrifice so much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Every day I pray for Nancy Pelosi, I hope she gets a free ice cream from somebody.
ED LARSON
But they can't really save everyone from the government because they're so old and useless. They gotta like procreate and make new babies and stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eddie, unfortunately those are the only ones that are getting saved.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you know the democrats are always thinking ahead, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. They always got a plan in their back pocket.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're always thinking like no, no, no, we don't need all these, let's think about the young generation. That's what the democrats are always thinking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Like young guys, Nancy Pelosi, Chucky Schumer, Joe Biden, loving these guys.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The youth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Looking cool, yeah. Rapping all day.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the other deep underground military base that's far more well known is the Cheyenne Mountain Complex which was built in Wyoming during the 1960s to serve as the headquarters for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, aka NORAD. Now NORAD headquarters were created as a joint American-Canadian project to track Soviet bombers and missiles and is therefore designed to withstand a nuclear attack. But as opposed to Raven Rock, NORAD headquarters only have dorm style facilities. Although according to the Washington Post it does have a Subway franchise.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh great. Jared's safe.
ED LARSON
They couldn't get a Jersey Mike's?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, buddy. No, that's two state-specific.
ED LARSON
Well and it's fresh meat.
MARCUS PARKS
You can't get fresh meat down in NORAD.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
If it's not freshly sliced, it's not Jersey Mike's.
ED LARSON
That's right.
MARCUS PARKS
I see that fucking billboard on the way to work every day.
ED LARSON
Danny DeVito.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Phil Schneider claimed that all of the funding for building these deep underground military bases, which again number 131 in the United States alone, they come from black budgets which are funded by CIA drug operations. Now the last part is true, the CIA have funded some of their operations with drug money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Many, many operations with drug money.
MARCUS PARKS
Proven, proven.
ED LARSON
And with stolen drug money or they're selling drugs and using that money?
MARCUS PARKS
Selling drugs and using that money. Yeah. And stolen drug money, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And stolen money and human trafficking.
ED LARSON
Stolen drug money I feel like they can have that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well they do!
MARCUS PARKS
They definitely do. But no, it has been proved that the CIA has been involved in the sales of drugs in order to fund their own projects.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh and ours.
ED LARSON
Like the crack epidemic?
MARCUS PARKS
That's true, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, very much so.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But if Phil is right about where the money is going, then the CIA must be selling a hell of a lot of cocaine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because deep underground military bases cost anywhere between $17 billion and $19 billion, putting the cost of America's DUMBs at nearly $2.5 trillion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you see also according to Phil is that because of alien technology these things are getting cheaper and to build, which is why we can pump them out three a year. And it's actually only costing a quarter of that a lot of the times because you got alien concrete, you got alien masers, you got alien workforce which is super cheap because they don't know what money is. They only use Bitcoin.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they use Bitcoin.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. What's incredible is that you're like saying all this stuff like Phil Schneider is like still saying it today. He said all this stuff 30 years ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's still being said right now.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I watched a documentary yesterday.
MARCUS PARKS
But Schneider was well aware of this math and he said that DUMBs are so important to the government that 28% of our GDP is spent on building and maintaining them. Schneider claims to know all of this because he supposedly had the highest security clearance possible, Rhyolite 38, which is 38 levels above top secret.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep, that's absolutely true. It's right next to Xylitol 69 other super, super secret ways to get in and out of a building. You can't even believe it. These are people taking upside down stairs. It's crazy to believe it. You know they have Wonkavators, Wonkavators are real, go sideways various places. But he says he was possibly the only man that has been given this clearance. Well it actually does increase with each lecture.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So first started with it's the only man, then it's one of five. And then it does get more specific because then he said he was like yeah, flageration of several Navy SEALs, several senators, some other true crack guys, crack guys, little rock surfaces.
ED LARSON
Now is this a real thing, level 38 past top secret? Is that-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am looking it up right now. Oh Rhyolite 38 is actually... He does a good job of using terms, he looks them up.
MARCUS PARKS
Well rhyolite is a rock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that does happen.
ED LARSON
A rock, not Iraq.
MARCUS PARKS
A rock.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A rock.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, rhyolite. It's an igneous rock.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. From magma.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It very well... These are all initials. Oh this is confusing, buddy.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I asked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is really, even just saying... It's just super confusing. I tried to look. You know what happened? I actually just flashback because I was stoned three days ago looking this up and just what comes out of it, these like layers and graphs and these things. No, I don't know.
ED LARSON
Okay, great.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's a lot of answers on Quora but not much other than that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It doesn't really matter because he's purposely working under the wrong social security number so he can hide.
ED LARSON
Oh I thought he was forced to work under the wrong social security number.
MARCUS PARKS
You thought?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
First mistake.
MARCUS PARKS
Now out of the 131 DUMBs that Schneider says were constructed in America since WWII, Phil claimed to have been involved in the construction of 13. And since he had such high clearance on black budget projects for 17 years, he was privy to some incredible earth shattering secrets. For example, Phil said he attended a UN meeting where he learned that 5 ft tall gray aliens were actually the heads of the UN and dictated the new world order policies. And all the leaders of the world and NATO are controlled by the Grays.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just feel like it's a lot for one meeting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a lot because even what we get to cover in one of our meetings, so small.
MARCUS PARKS
Very small.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You don't get to a lot of stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
No. But he learned all of this in one meeting. And when he told his geologist department about what he discovered, they all supposedly quit in protest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I'm gonna go study rocks in Mexico!
ED LARSON
Do you think they might have quit because he seemed insane?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! No!
MARCUS PARKS
That was my thought.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's also you're working in a school, he is a geologist, and he's coming in and he's saying he just came back from this UN meeting. And they're like how? How'd you get there? Why were you there?
ED LARSON
You talk about rocks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And he's just been like you wouldn't believe how poor rocks are! What's happened to the United Nations is out of control! And they're just being like all right, well stalactites? That's all I gotta say. Ellie, you know. My friend Ellie is a geologist.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, that's right. She gonna hate this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Phil also said that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars program was a literal space defense plan to fend off alien invasions jointly developed with Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev. Now I don't know how that's possible if all the world's leaders are controlled by Grays but that's what Phil said nonetheless. But what Phil definitely knew was that the new world order and the alien agenda are one and the same. And according to him, their plan is to eliminate 7/8 of the world's population by 2029. So according to him, most of us only have five or so years left.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, we'll find out. But it's interesting because the concept of a new world order I've always found... Like he has a Christian stripe in his ideology, Phil.
MARCUS PARKS
Most of these guys do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They always do. So this idea of a new world order, destroying boundaries of countries. I don't really understand how it necessarily helps the alien. The way he ramps it up is that he talks about these treaties that we have signed with various alien races. And that we have the Greada treaty, which is still our favorite.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The one where Eisenhower had the emergency, he faked an emergency dental problem in Florida, he went to a meeting with an alien. They signed an agreement that for a certain number of humans and animals that we are going to volunteer to the aliens, that they then will give us a certain amount of technology. And he's saying that we signed a deal with the devil. And this is kind of where this begins is that that's where all of these mass disappearances are happening is that we're giving them to aliens.
MARCUS PARKS
Well because the aliens ended up going back, they took too many.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They took too many.
MARCUS PARKS
We said you can have 20 they took 30.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you can go out there, you can say a contract you sign with an alien is as thick as the paper it's signed on.
ED LARSON
So who represented the aliens and read the contract?
MARCUS PARKS
A man named Valiant Thor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well Valiant Thor, the guy who worked with the... He was one of the human interests with alien origins. He is from the planet Venus, he's purple, he lives at the age of 490. He can't be in our atmosphere because he's got a disease on his skin that'll kill all of us.
ED LARSON
But he's a lawyer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. No! He works in the government. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Big on contract law. He went to Pepperdine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's his thing, man. It's all contract law in space. Actually that's a big thing people don't understand is how important lawyers are to the galaxy.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as far as who's aware of all this, Phil Schneider said that everyone in the military above the basic grunt enlistment level has knowledge of the alien agenda, which if true means all you fuckers listening right now have been keeping the truth from us for well over a decade now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not about 10 of you though, I've gotten several emails about the truth over the years.
MARCUS PARKS
About?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What's really going on.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh that's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And I read them. I even let it pepper in every once in a while. What I've learned over the years.
ED LARSON
I'm glad we can help spread lies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no. See it's all about stories, Eddie. Telling stories.
MARCUS PARKS
But even though aliens supposedly control everything, Schneider said that they can't understand human speech because we talk too slowly, just like how we can't understand whales because they talk too slowly for us to understand.
ED LARSON
Fucking idiot whales.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude.
ED LARSON
Just slow ass speech. You can't say shit, you fucking stupid whale.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eddie. Eddie. Have you ever heard a whale sped up? It says fucking nasty shit, dude.
ED LARSON
I'm licking your mama's pussy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
Whoa!
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! How do you even know how to lick pussy?
ED LARSON
Yeah, my tongue is the size of an elephant and so is your mama.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! Hey! My mother loves the sea. Man, a lot of DMX's raps were ghostwritten by whales.
ED LARSON
Yeah, did you know whales could bark?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you know that? (moaning)
ED LARSON
That's what?!
MARCUS PARKS
But no matter the method of communication, aliens had their own underground/underwater bases on earth for at least half a million years. But it's only recently that we've been able to fight back. For example, the nuclear tests at Bikini Atoll between 1946-1958 were, as far as I can tell, sustained assaults against an underwater alien base, assaults that were carried out with the blessing of the Japanese because they'd been losing people to street level alien abductions for years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude. We should never have allowed aliens to rent vans.
MARCUS PARKS
Street level.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And so America was forced to build their own deep underground military bases.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Forced!
MARCUS PARKS
Both to defend themselves against the alien threat-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What else are we gonna do?
MARCUS PARKS
And to also work with the aliens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But also to work against them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
With them.
MARCUS PARKS
While also working with them.
ED LARSON
Well there's multiple types of aliens!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eddie's getting it. There's 11 races of alien. This is true. We got there are two friendly, there are four that are antagonists, we got several that have left to go handle manners on their own planet.
MARCUS PARKS
It's nice. But you know the Subaru-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Subaru star system. Sirius star system.
MARCUS PARKS
Nah, it's Pleiades.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I know.
MARCUS PARKS
It's fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I know that.
MARCUS PARKS
It's fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's where all lesbian DNA came from.
MARCUS PARKS
Now most of these bases are supposed to have been built underneath established military bases like Area 51 or Los Alamos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I will say there's a little bit of a... The idea of the alien bases, it's a little bit off the mark, Marcus. Because it's not that they have built or constructed bases, it's that they just use our natural caverns to live in.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they are there already. So when you go down there, when they say... But I just feel like it's-
MARCUS PARKS
I said nothing to the contrary, sir.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just feel that when you say the term alien bases, the audience might think that the aliens themselves are doing construction. No, these are the aliens' home, this is their vacation homes on the planet Earth that we are gentrifying using our military apparatus. This is like what happened in New Hampshire with the lakes. This is like what happened in Minnesota with the lakes.
ED LARSON
They got lots of lakes in Minnesota.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a lot of them are getting co-opted.
ED LARSON
Their state is the mosquito.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's funny. That's funny but it's also a problem. It's a problem, it's a growing problem. But that's what we're doing here is that we're moving in on these precious lands and using them for bombs.
ED LARSON
So they're living in our tubes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. They're living in our tubes and we're blowing them out the tubes. And we went there to go and we weren't testing bombs, we were just blowing shit up on islands.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as far as the bases that we built, Area 51 for example has nine underground bases underneath the 140 square miles that encompass Area 50 one's restricted areas. Other bases however are built in plain sight, like the DUMB that's supposedly underneath the conspiracy- laden airport in Denver, Colorado.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Phil Schneider was also a big OG Denver International Airport conspiracy theory.
MARCUS PARKS
He was, yeah. All this is possible, Phil says, because military technology has advanced approximately 44.5 years for each single year of civilian technological advancement, which is why the military was able to make a ship disappear in 1943. So it's like in 1996, military technology was 1200 years ahead of what we had at our disposal. Like we had 14 4k modems and fucking VCR/TV combos. And they-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. So what did the government have?
MARCUS PARKS
Fucking like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Baldur's Gate?
MARCUS PARKS
They had Baldur's Gate XII.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! What?!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No!
MARCUS PARKS
No, they had Elder Scrolls VI, fucker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck that!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We gotta go to the government! Get Baldur's Gate XII! And I'll bet these last two fingers on it.
ED LARSON
You won't be able to play Boulder's Gate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I use the other hand! This is my jerk off hand and liberty hand.
MARCUS PARKS
Perhaps this high... I don't think we've told the audience that Phil Schneider was missing fingers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I thought that was well known.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I want to give it to-
MARCUS PARKS
You've been doing a visual joke of two fingers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we haven't gotten to his service in the military yet.
MARCUS PARKS
That is true.
ED LARSON
Was he a waiter?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do they have restaurants in the Army?
ED LARSON
They did at the Ramstein.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But do they have waiters?
ED LARSON
I'm sure they have waiters.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I think it's more they got the sloppers.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They got the guys who, yeah, flop the shit on the... It's all cafeterias I think.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And I think it's the civilians come on the base, like work at like the PX-
ED LARSON
The generals have a waiter.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I imagine the generals-
MARCUS PARKS
No, the generals have an attaché.
ED LARSON
Oh what is that?
MARCUS PARKS
A waiter.
ED LARSON
Oh.
MARCUS PARKS
But perhaps this highly advanced technology is why these deep underground military bases, much like nuclear power plants and nuclear missile silos, are often associated with UFO sightings. And here's where we get to Phil Schneider's involvement in the alien-run Dulce facility.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is really the heart, obviously the heart of his story and why he would go on his speaking tour and what the main bulge of information he would give.
MARCUS PARKS
Now stories of UFO activity around Dulce, New Mexico are by no means exclusive to the lectures of Phil Schneider, nor do all the stories involve a massive underground base full of aliens. Rather Dulce is just one of those UFO hot spots that seemed to dot the landscape of the American Southwest. Many roads however do lead to Dulce base.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's because our deserts are our most powerful spiritual center.
MARCUS PARKS
For example, back in the late 70s a state trooper named Gabe Valdez spotted a UFO in the sky and soon after found a mutilated cow. Near the cow he found abandoned gas masks, which to officer Valdez was a sign of government involvement. Most bizarrely though, when the trooper examined the mutilated cow carcass further, he found a dead fetus inside that was not a cow but a human-monkey-frog hybrid.
ED LARSON
Oh it just wasn't done cooking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is gonna need another 20 minutes at 325. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is about rare.
MARCUS PARKS
And after, that Valdez became the go-to cattle mutilation guy in the southwest. Now not too long after finding the human-monkey-frog, Officer Valdez attended a public meeting about cattle mutilations held by US Senator Harrison Schmitt, formerly of NASA-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Boo!
MARCUS PARKS
And currently the last living person to have walked on the moon.
ED LARSON
Now not to go... I mean the Chinese were just there last month.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a drive-by.
MARCUS PARKS
But did they land?
ED LARSON
Yeah, they landed on the dark side. They planted some shit like we own the dark side of the moon. And then they went back to China.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
They walked around on it?
ED LARSON
I believe so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
They planted a flag and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good for them.
ED LARSON
Yeah, China's all up on the moon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's probably not good but it's fine.
ED LARSON
But my question is if a monkey-
MARCUS PARKS
No, it was an uncrewed spacecraft.
ED LARSON
Uncrewed.
MARCUS PARKS
That was uncrewed, yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh okay. Stop lying to me, China. But if a monkey-human-frog comes out of a cow, is it beef?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Oh if I'm eating it.
ED LARSON
That's eating, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, if I'm eating it, it's beef. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'd say. To eat it.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean to be technical it was a human-monkey-frog.
ED LARSON
Human-monkey-frog.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Not a monkey-human-frog.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, monkey-human-frog is something else.
ED LARSON
So it was mostly human, half-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Monkey-frog.
ED LARSON
Half human, half monkey-frog.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Because the other way it's a monkey-
ED LARSON
Like half shark-alligator, half man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Half man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now you're learning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait til we do the Montauk Project, man. You're gonna be so angry. Because that is just straight up DJ Skrillex with animals.
MARCUS PARKS
Well at this talk by US Senator Harrison Schmidt... Because that's the thing, cattle mutilation in the 70s was taken fucking seriously.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude, of all of the capital P Phenomena, it's still taken very seriously. Because cattle-
ED LARSON
It's expensive!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's big money.
MARCUS PARKS
It's very expensive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's still largely extremely mysterious.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well at this talk, Valdez was introduced to a fascinating man named Paul Bennewitz who I hope we can one day cover on his own episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I have a book on him, I kind of know what to do with him. Paul Bennewitz is actually an extremely important person in UFO lore.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But through Bennewitz, Valdez was introduced to a woman named Myrna Hanson who'd also seen UFOs in the area. That's when they brought in psychologist and fellow cattle mutilation enthusiast, Leo Sprinkle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hello everyone! It's me, the sweetest ufologist who's ever lived. Hope you like rum raisin. Sorry, it's just my cologne.
ED LARSON
Meet me at the Dairy Queen!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Reporting, Dairy Queen reporting.
ED LARSON
Can I suck your dick for ice cream?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy's crazy. This guy sucked my dick the other day for fucking strawberry ice cream. Amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
If I remember, I think his name was Reginald Leo Sprinkle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just recently was watching, just so you guys know we'll cover this a little bit on Side Stories, Missing 411 just finally did a UFO episode which they've been tap dancing around for fucking ever since it started coming out, since he started developing it, David Paulides. But Sprinkle comes on-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I was so sad because Natalie first of all, she's like who the fuck is Leo Sprinkle? And I was like baby, you did it. Right here. It's ufology in a nut, dude. But I was so angry he didn't have like a mint green top hat and a handlebar mustache.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like that is what you should do!
ED LARSON
At least suspenders.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. I think he's just afraid that if he dresses like that he won't be able to go near an elementary school.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Sprinkle was flown out to New Mexico to hypnotize Myrna Hanson. And she reported recollections of being abducted and taken to an underground base nearby where she saw body parts floating in vats. Now that happened as far as her recollecting it, as far as her being hypnotized by Leo Sprinkle, she did say that. As far as we know, this in 1980 was the first time that anyone mentioned Dulce Base and possible alien encounters therein. This is 13 years before Phil Schneider started talking about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there was also a book. When we did our series in the Dulce Base a long time ago, one of the things that we used as a source was a book called 'The Dulce Wars: Underground Alien Bases and the Battle for Planet Earth'. I know you took it from Biblioteca Pleyades-
MARCUS PARKS
Bibliotecapleyades.com.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But essentially Biblioteca Pleyades had stolen the entire story from this book.
MARCUS PARKS
They distilled it down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Which was written by Branton.
MARCUS PARKS
Branton?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Branton. And the forward was by Commander X. So this came out. But no one knows who Branton is and I actually kind of believe that Branton is probably the fake name of the CIA officer that put together a lot of this story.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is that they said the name of the guy was Thomas Castillo I think.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Thomas Costello was one of the guys.
MARCUS PARKS
Costello. Yeah. And it has been proven from declassified CIA documents that Paul Bennewitz was the victim of a very real disinformation campaign in which he was fed false information about aliens that eventually drove him to a fucking mental asylum.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the, and I mean this, this is me very serious about there is something to be learned about Paul Bennewitz' involvement in UFO circles and the attachment to this story. I do believe that the Dulce Base story is an allegorical... Like there's meaning here about what's actually going on. But Paul Bennewitz is proof that a lot of these people within these UFO communities are manipulated by intelligence services or are members of various intelligence services. Now that is interesting. So in one way, that's why everybody says oh all of these stories are fake, oh they're an op, blah, blah, blah, aliens are just some kind of smokescreen for something else. Which I guess makes sense. But I actually think they already do that using the media, using various other ways. I always kind of ask myself one question. It's like okay, if UFOs are bullshit and aliens aren't real and any sort of understanding we have of them are mistaken and wrong, then normally you could just kind of let Phil Schneiders Phil Schneider themselves. Like you could essentially have them come out and ruin stuff or maybe fuck stuff up as it is because they're maybe sort of unreliable as a person to talk about it. And they're already flooding the zone with nonsense. But if not, if the UFO community is constantly being kind of used by the CIA program and the CIA is embedded in all these places, what is it that's so important about this story that you're putting all of these resources into fucking with these fat nerds?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like what's the point of fucking with all of these nerds if it's all BS to begin with? So I don't know. That's where it falls.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Questions.
ED LARSON
No answers.
MARCUS PARKS
But back in 1979, Paul Bennewitz claimed that he had intercepted electronic signals in Dulce which he believed were emanating from deep underground. And the 1980 sessions with Myrna Hanson and Leo Sprinkle seemed to confirm his suspicions that something was going on at Dulce.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is and something was going on at Dulce!
MARCUS PARKS
And that's the thing is that there was something going on there, he did pick up some... But there is the possibility that these people to-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Muddy the waters.
MARCUS PARKS
Muddy the waters with Paul Bennewitz. And then now it's 2024 and we're still talking about underground alien battles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well DUMBs are still a big... A lot of weird shit happens underground.
MARCUS PARKS
Now allegedly Dulce is one of the two bases created as a collaboration between the US government and alien nations where technology can be exchanged. Additionally it is a biogenetic laboratory where alien-human hybrids are created and experimented upon in one of Dulce Base's seven underground levels.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Two words: Taylor Swift.
ED LARSON
Yeah? How's that working?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Plant. Plant made! German DNA spliced with stupid elf bullshit.
ED LARSON
She is a tall white.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She is. She's the aryan ideal.
MARCUS PARKS
These levels are security, human housing laboratories, mind control experiments, alien housing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they can't be together.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Genetic experiments, cryogenic storage, and the mysterious nightmare hall which may or may not be the birthplace of the human-monkey-frog.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(frog voice) I wish they'd stop calling me a nightmare and start calling me a human-monkey- frog American. I hope that one day I can run for office as the Senator of Human-Monkey-Frog affairs. So that everybody knows we're people too. Halfway.
ED LARSON
That impression was ribbeting.
MARCUS PARKS
But before the collaborative Dulce Base was allegedly constructed, the underground caverns below Dulce were already the site of a base that had been used by reptilian humanoid hybrids and alien Grays for 500 years. And this is where Phil Schneider says that he enters the story. On August in 1979, Phil Schneider, working for the Morrison-Knudsen construction company, was a part of a team that was digging four large holes in the desert in the course of constructing a deep underground military base.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is kind of interesting how they are made. Because they do drill them, they drill like holes and then they burrow out from the holes.
MARCUS PARKS
How else would you do it?
ED LARSON
Come in at an angle, drink the milkshake.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know, I don't know. I'm not an engineer.
MARCUS PARKS
But in one of those holes, the equipment kept breaking. So Phil Schneider was sent down into the shaft to diagnose the issue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh see now I do find it interesting because he's like in a spacesuit, right, essentially.
ED LARSON
Why is he going underground in the spacesuit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because the fumes. So that's also what's really interesting about going underground-
MARCUS PARKS
Gas.
ED LARSON
You have to say it fumes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fumes!
ED LARSON
You gotta say it like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you go to certain places underground, like I was reading about that, it's like one of the super dangerous things about like cave diving in unknown cave systems because you could go into a little area that you think is filled with air but it's like filled with a gas that will kill you.
ED LARSON
Oh like the canary in the coal mine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I gotcha.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Schneider was unaware that they were building a seven story, 2.5 mile deep structure on top of a pre-existing alien base full of alien hostiles. That's partly why Phil Schneider was so pissed off all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta give us a heads up!
MARCUS PARKS
But it does seem like he knew there was some sort of danger. It was either that or he just had a fucking Walther PPK pistol on him at all times.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like you see I was there in a scientist's aspect, so now my job was more about educational and technical support. But I held my trusty Walther PPK pistol because when you're wearing an underground space suit, you can't be lugging around the big pieces of metal the other boys like to bring around.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He said it wasn't loaded though.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Which makes it even more bizarre.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it was loaded.
MARCUS PARKS
Well no, it wasn't loaded.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
He had the ammunition but he also had the gun. The gun and the ammunition-
ED LARSON
He had to load it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And that's why it was such a problem for him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, hey. You just never know when you do a bad job at work, it's a good way to get out.
MARCUS PARKS
Boss wants to see you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nope.
ED LARSON
He won't!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He'll see me in hell!
ED LARSON
If there were aliens down there, that means that someone in the government knew that there were aliens in there and that they were drilling down there and was like let's see what happens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well there's some, I will kind of... Do you want me to try to tell you how it vaguely make sense?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We are in Cooper operation with alien Grays and we do work with them. And this was in cooperation with the alien Grays. But according to them, this began with a conflict downstairs. So at first it was all okay. And then something happened, there was a conflict between there were Green Berets and a Black Berets which I've never heard of.
MARCUS PARKS
They existed, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he said that they were there in camp with this line already where they've been having some problems with the aliens that are downstairs. Essentially what happened, it was like... We talked about this when we were in Denver recently.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
About how we were downtown. And when you see that one, when you're in an old, when you're in a downtown area and it's all like skyscrapers and stuff but then you happen to see like one place that's like an old, old house-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That whoever lives there is somehow still alive and will not sell. They don't care what anybody will do, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Some of my favorite people in the world.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love it. Very, very stubborn people. Those were the aliens. They were not wanting to leave.
ED LARSON
Because they couldn't go back home because of all the rape charges.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's too hot at home. I can't go back. I can't go. My ex-girlfriend is there. I won't be able to work at that tattoo parlor anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
But it was indeed lucky that Phil was armed because just as he got to the bottom of the tunnel, he saw two 7 ft tall gray aliens whom Phil described as smelling worse than the worst garbage you can imagine. Phil opened fire and killed both of them. But just before-
ED LARSON
It could have been nice!
MARCUS PARKS
But Ed, they smelled bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he said like well that's also the thing, it's kind of interesting because if he did... So according to him-
ED LARSON
He could have started the alien war!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he came out of the shaft, he said what he saw was so horrific and so terrifying that he instinctively reached for his gun and shot it.
MARCUS PARKS
And instinctually loaded his gun and shot it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
ED LARSON
He's wearing a spacesuit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. He said that's why it was very difficult.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, to load the gun. Instinctually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
And shoot, put your finger on the trigger if you got a space glove on.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He had to. That's what he said, it was very difficult.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Phil killed both of them but just before one of the Grays died, he waved a hand in front of his chest and a blue beam shot out and struck Phil. As Phil put it, the beam literally opened him up like a fish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you say it right?
MARCUS PARKS
(Gollum voice) Opened him up like a fish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
And burned off his toenails as if he was struck by lightning. It also blew off three fingers on his left hand. And indeed Phil did have just seven fingers which he was all too happy to show off during his many lectures.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The only rings I can have are a pinky ring.
ED LARSON
He could have a wedding ring but his wife took it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's because the truth is caustic to love.
MARCUS PARKS
Now according to Phil's story he thought he was a goner. But a Green Beret who'd come down the shaft just after him shoved Phil into the construction elevator and saved Phil's life just before the first battle of Dulce began.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah dude, that guy sacrificed his life for Phil. And then he got blasted into pieces.
ED LARSON
How many aliens were down there?
MARCUS PARKS
Well the ensuing melee killed 66 secret service agents, Green Berets and Black Berets. And Phil claimed to be one of only three people who survived. As far as Phil knew, the other two spent the rest of their lives in custody somewhere in Canada.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well one of them died. That is true. One of them died and then one of them was Paul Bennewitz.
ED LARSON
But what about the other 66? We would have heard something about this in all of time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they're old.
MARCUS PARKS
Nah, they're all dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
POWs.
ED LARSON
What about their families?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They wouldn't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Granada.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yup.
MARCUS PARKS
They died in Granada, sorry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
E. coli. E. coli went through the camp.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Libya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bats. With rabies.
ED LARSON
But they would get their fucking bodies back and there would be giant-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dude!
MARCUS PARKS
They'd be charred.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The waters of Camp Lejeune. That's what this is all about, dog!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's what Lejeune is all about. You may be entitled for compensation. But concerning the blue beam, Phil said that his lung was blasted out of his chest and he was in isolation for the next 400 days. And just like Phil had only seven fingers, many people confirmed that he did have a massive scar across his chest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now this is where it also gets a little muddy. So some of the FOIA stuff-
MARCUS PARKS
Muddy is a kind way put it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So the FOIA stuff that came out revealed that he might have received a schizophrenia diagnosis at some point, where he was also doing some form of self harm which I guess can be put with a lot of this.
ED LARSON
He made the scar on his chest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The guy that ratted him out to the FBI said that he cut his own fingers off for attention. Which is like that's a lot, right, I don't think it's real.
ED LARSON
It's very Banshees of Inisherin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I actually think that there's a more prosaic kind of explanation that it's also mixed with all of this, which is now that we know for a fact, I think it all makes a lot of sense that he was irradiated by an extreme... That he was exposed to radioactive material for a month plus.
ED LARSON
He was probably holding it a bunch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh it was all over him.
ED LARSON
Showing it to people, being like look at my irradiated rock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. And he brought them on tour with him. And he, I believe-
MARCUS PARKS
Every lecture that he had, he'd like bring out irradiated rock.
ED LARSON
He probably held it with these three fingers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he did. Yeah. He'd always be like that's how you know it's real, you hang it with the... I got it with the lobster!
ED LARSON
Now in his speeches, did he show the scar on his chest?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did. He would show the scar on his chest, he would show his hand. But I think literally he was melting.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that he was slowly dying. He was riddled with cancer, he had MS, he was covered in scars, they said he might have... That is the thing where the fingers are just like, they're cut off.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he was missing a lung.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
ED LARSON
He was? You can live with one lung?
MARCUS PARKS
Well actually no, that's the thing. I'll get to that later as far as like whether or not he was actually missing a lung.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he said he was.
MARCUS PARKS
Not really sure about that. Now that I think about, he just said that he was missing a lung.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But no, he was the melting man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But it's also, yeah, it's also very possible that he just had schizophrenia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is possible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who knows?
MARCUS PARKS
Because when Phil's ex-wife Cynthia first met him, she said that he had a horrible memory because of the medications he'd been prescribed after suffering several accidents during his work as a contractor. Now one question I wanna ask you, the FOIA request, when the roommate talked about Phil cutting off his own fingers. Do you know what year that report is from?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
76.
MARCUS PARKS
76. Okay. So that's like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is three years before the Dulce story.
MARCUS PARKS
Long before anything else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Long before any of this shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. He said that a lot of his self-harm happened during his college years.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there was like what you'd call, these are like his missing years.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Before the Dulce incident.
MARCUS PARKS
But after Phil got married, he stopped taking his meds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man. Because he's better, dude.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Now that you're married, you have to worry about being nice all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's not true.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not true at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not true.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's when Phil suddenly began to remember what happened to him at Dulce along with all the other let's say creative details about his past.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the creative details about his past were also readily available. They were starting to get passed around in various conspiracy theory groups.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm talking more about, yeah, the creative details like attending NATO meetings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, he started that. You can see those details get added in each speech.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the speech stays the same for the most part because he really only toured in 1995. And in that speech, like there's several versions of it and they become more specific and embellished each time he does it.
ED LARSON
I will say that I watched some of his speeches and he didn't seem crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that's why he is-
ED LARSON
Because a lot of times these people, you look at them like the guy we saw at the Contact in the Desert. You're like oh, crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's because of the hat.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well yeah, the hat was horrible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think I would even generously call him odd.
MARCUS PARKS
I would say he was a bit of an oddball. Like I got the impression from him. I think sometimes when someone delivers something with a lot of intensity and a lot of confidence-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Then that can mask a lot of their symptoms. And Phil Schneider, he was a very confident man with his with his delivery.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But I also think he was a very sick man in many ways.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. I think he might have been a very sick man.
ED LARSON
Do you think that's where his like high level of intelligence helped him out?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Basically. And confidence. I think that he was very smart and I think he was a little bit... And then he was also mentally ill.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And being married to Phil was predictably difficult, as there aren't a lot of hardcore conspiracy theorists out there who are able to maintain a healthy marriage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sex is too good. Drives women insane. Natalie's barely hanging on. Why do you think I didn't get into NASA? They've been bugging my home, hearing how good I am at it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as such, Phil and Cynthia were only married for three years from 1987-1990. But even then, Phil still only talked to his ex-wife and a few select friends about his experiences and didn't say anything publicly for another three years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well she fought for him to the very end. And she wrote several rebuttal letters saying that he definitely, it was all real.
MARCUS PARKS
Phil however said everything changed when his friend Ron Rummel was found dead from a seemingly self inflicted gunshot wound in an Oregon Park.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is honestly where things did change for him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, in 1993.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, this was a real buddy of his that ran a thing called 'Alien Digest'.
MARCUS PARKS
A series of newsletters called 'The Alien Digest'. He was the publisher and writer.
ED LARSON
Was it doing well?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean it was getting around. It contained accounts of aliens in the government. And Rummel was about to assemble all his newsletters into a book. And Schneider believed that Rummel was suicided by the government before he could publish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now part of the reason why they believe that he died by suicide-
MARCUS PARKS
Rummel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Rummel. And why then this would go on with Phil to carry this on is where the story increases past the Dulce base. When it starts going into the real hard edge conspiracy theories that we see even now. So once he started getting past the Dulce story, he started talking about the idea that these underground tunnels were going to eventually be used for when the United States would slide into Marshall law. Once the new world order came about, once the alien leaders revealed themselves, there would be martial law declared against the United States. Prisoners then would be put en masse underground, we shuttle back and forth with these giant trains. One thing where that started leading, according to Rummel, was that children were being zipped back and forth on these giant trains, tell me when it starts to sound familiar, by FEMA and these various, what they called these slave trains, these things with shackles. And so eventually this evidence that Rummel would become obsessed with that he would pass on to Phil Schneider, Phil Schneider would take this evidence and this would start to connect Phil Schneider to the same terrorist group that helped Timothy McVeigh plan the Oklahoma City bombing. He just started to touch into that world. And if you do listen to a lot of his stuff, it's a lot of calls for violence.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Phil does call for violence quite often.
ED LARSON
Oh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's too bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well Schneider also claimed that 11 of his 22 best friends had all supposedly died by suicide.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
22 best friends.
ED LARSON
11 of his 22 best friends, 66 people. It's weird that it's always like the two numbers next to each other.
MARCUS PARKS
That is funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you remember the guy who used to come on the train? Hi, hello, everyone. I am not a person begging for money. All I need is $13.47 to get a ticket to Bergen, New Jersey! It's that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well I also looked up some suicide statistics when it comes to schizophrenics and schizophrenics are 10 times more likely to die by suicide than people without paranoid schizophrenia. And it seems like a lot of conspiracy theorists and a lot of people like Phil Schneider do have some symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. Because they say like conspiracy theorists, they die by suicide all the time, it's the government that's getting to them. I think it's more the case that a lot of hardcore conspiracy theorists show symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're isolated.
MARCUS PARKS
And are isolated and are therefore at a much higher risk of dying by suicide than the regular population. It's not that the government's doing it, it's just that's just how it fucking is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's kind of nice, that's where Q is kind of nice because then you get all friends. See that's the problem is that once conspiracy theorists become extroverts, they show up at the White House.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Which we don't need.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stay down there. You stay down there, all right? You stay down there. Would you say the clinical term would be loose in the goose?
MARCUS PARKS
That's what January 6th was is loose in the goose?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. We are getting loose in the goose up in here.
MARCUS PARKS
Vote, ladies and gentlemen. Goddamnit, I don't care. I don't care. Just vote for whatever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will literally vote for a tub of ravioli. It doesn't matter as long.
MARCUS PARKS
As it's blue, fucking vote. And so after Rummel's death, Schneider cut up his security clearance card in disgust and decided to go public about DUMBs and the alien agenda with a lecture tour. But according to Phil's friend Al Bielek-
ED LARSON
So I guess he had left-handed scissors.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the ultimate conspiracy. They will not allow me to destroy my connections to the CIA.
MARCUS PARKS
But according to Phil's friend Al Bielek, Phil only shared 1% of his total hidden knowledge before he too was killed. To wit, before his death, Schneider claimed that he had been victim of no less than 13 assassination attempts. During one attempt in September of 1995, Phil claimed that he was shot in the shoulder by an FBI agent and only survived because he returned fire. Another time he said all the nuts from his front tires had been removed. And actually I think he probably wouldn't have been able to get higher than 10 miles an hour before the tires fell off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's interesting because he just keeps adding to how many times he'd gotten killed. And he said he's getting shot at and he's getting shot. And according to his wife, there's evidence that he got shot in autopsy photos. But the only autopsy photos I found are the really rough ones.
MARCUS PARKS
They're really rough.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're really rough.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I saw those too.
MARCUS PARKS
They're not even autopsy photos, they're crime scene photos.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they're rough.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it just kind of looks like a scar.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But because of all these alleged attempts, Phil Schneider told a friend that if it was ever said that he committed suicide, then it'll have been because he'd been murdered by the government for telling the truth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can I ask you this? This might be uncomfortable. But do you think that people like him and maybe like Ron Rummel, his buddy, do you think in any way that they die by suicide simply because of the effect it will have? That like a conspiracy theorist's death, much like how Hunter S. Thompson took his own hands and he took it because that was his thing, right, when he wrote his suicide note which is extremely sad. But it was really just about taking control.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And stating your narrative. And that for him, that was like a Hunter S. Thompson thing. Where something like this is like if a conspiracy theorist really wants to make a splash, they could essentially, if they don't maybe fully understand that you don't get to experience the splash-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
After you're dead because you're so hyped up on it that I wonder whether or not it seems almost attractive because it actually gives you a conspiracy theorist's end.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because look at how sad Alex Jones is slowly dying on the vine.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well Bill Cooper really did it right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Bill Cooper got into a gun battle with a cop and died like a dog in his front yard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like a real piece of shit.
ED LARSON
We all know how much cops love killing dogs. But I think if you dedicate your life to this, you're schizophrenic, and all of a sudden you find out finally that there is no evidence to support my insanity. And then I'm gonna create the evidence the only way I know how to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure. I agree. I think it could be very attractive.
MARCUS PARKS
It's possible. I mean it's impossible but it is at the same time impossible to speculate on someone's motives-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
For dying by suicide.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh of course!
MARCUS PARKS
You have no idea. Unless they leave a note, you have no idea why these people do this.
ED LARSON
That's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus, we're just having fun.
MARCUS PARKS
We're just having fun speculating on suicide motives.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is fun. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as it worked out, Phil Schneider was indeed found dead in his Oregon apartment in January of 1996, kneeling face first in the seat of his wheelchair. According to Schneider's friend Mark Rufener, Phil was assassinated because the two of them were about to talk about the possibility of maybe writing a book together about the new world order and the alien agenda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And Penguin was clamoring. Random House couldn't wait to get their hands on it. Time Magazine was there.
MARCUS PARKS
Phil's ex-wife Cynthia also believes Phil was murdered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She kinda makes me sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Likewise a server at Phil's favorite restaurant, a truck stop diner in Aurora, Oregon, said that Phil was constantly talking about people trying to kill him because of his mission to reveal the truth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
More soup! More soup! I need a black coffee and I need noodle soup because the government, they're gonna get me! I don't have this money. Okay? Think about it, I'm a veteran of the Dulce Wars. Peace, brother. Let's think about this.
MARCUS PARKS
Furthermore, some of Phil's friends said that Phil was hanging out with some unknown blonde woman just before his death. After hearing this, Cynthia Schneider consulted a psychic who said that the blonde woman was actually a government agent wearing a wig and she was involved with Phil's death along with 2-4 other men.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one's running train on anyone! There's no sex happening here with one woman and four ufologists.
ED LARSON
I hate to tell you this, Mr. Schneider, but I'm not Susan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wait a second, your ass is the best vagina I've ever experienced.
MARCUS PARKS
Additionally-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Will you marry me, you big bear of a man? Will you cure me of this sadness? Please tell me you're from the government.
MARCUS PARKS
Well additionally, the crime scene and Phil's autopsy were both unusual. No wounds were found on Phil's body but mysteriously there was blood on the floor. And that's true, I've seen the crime scene photos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
There is quite a bit of blood on the floor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's weird.
ED LARSON
He could have coughed it up.
MARCUS PARKS
He might have. But as far as the autopsy went, it was determined that Schneider had strangled himself to death with his own catheter hose.
ED LARSON
So many questions. I didn't even know he was in a wheelchair, much less he had a catheter.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he had like MS. I also saw him, I think he was missing a leg, right, at that point?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I did see in the crime scene photos that a false leg was in the background.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The kind you put on a stump.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He had a fucked up foot. He had chicharron foot. And then he had-
ED LARSON
He stuck his foot in a fryer?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah, that's what the aliens did. And then he did have MS, he did have multiple cancers. And it's because he was irradiated-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For fucking six months.
ED LARSON
However long, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he'd been exposed to a lot of radiation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I really think that that's exactly what happened. And then at the end of each lecture he'd show the super heavy, could-only-be-made-by-aliens metal. And then they're really kind of talking about that's kind of like a crime in a way, where he poisoned people unbeknownst to them for many years.
ED LARSON
That's how the Holiday Inn sign turned green.
MARCUS PARKS
But the autopsy seemed to have been rushed, for it made no mention of his plastic sternum, the metal plate in his head, his tracheotomy, and the fact that he only had one lung or at least the claim that he only had one lung.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think at some point they're like let's get through this. Because he don't look good.
MARCUS PARKS
He'd been dead for a week when they found him.
ED LARSON
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
It also made no mention of Phil's bizarre genitalia. According to his ex-wife, Phil's penis had been sliced down the bottom from tip to back like a hot dog bun. This affliction was due to massive injuries and an infection that Phil had incurred while working as a construction engineer in Vietnam.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I tried to fuck a staple gun. It's not good what happened to his penis.
ED LARSON
He sliced his own dick open.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know what happened.
ED LARSON
It don't happen by accident like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't think so, no. Not normally are you born a Ziploc.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Unless you're climbing over razor wire naked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or cutting your dick open.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's hard to do. I think that it's hard to accidentally do. He's a weird man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Strange man. Full of mysteries.
MARCUS PARKS
Finally those blood samples taken from the crime scene quickly went missing and no further investigation was made into Phil's death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Coincidence?
MARCUS PARKS
In fact Phil's cause of death was listed in the local obituaries as a stroke. And Phil's own brother, a police officer, told the rest of his family to just accept the coroner's report and move on. And all this might have a good reason.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Basically there's some evidence to show that it was autoerotic asphyxiation.
ED LARSON
If his penis was fileted, how was he fucking jerking off?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He could have been poking his butthole. Eddie, you wanna know?
ED LARSON
I do wanna know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you even want to know?
MARCUS PARKS
Actually I think Eddie might have a really good point there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean I don't know, buddy. They're just saying that it didn't look pretty and that when you are choked in the manner in which he was choked... So if he was murdered, it would have made sense that the choking knot would be behind his neck, right?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he would be garroted. There was some word that he was choked with chicken wire. He was not. One of the big truly embarrassing factors is that he was choked by his own catheter.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's really, really gross.
ED LARSON
It's in the photos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The knot's in front.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the thing is the knot's in front and the knot's in the style of a noose-like knot, which is what they use in autoerotic asphyxiation because you just kind of tug on it and it holds its place, you tug and it holds. And the whole point is you're supposed to dippity dance on the very razor's edge of the scythe of the grim reaper so that you cum big, right? And then he might have had somebody there helping, that might have been the blonde woman they were probably talking about, could have maybe been some form of sex worker.
MARCUS PARKS
And may have been accidentally hit in the face, may have accidentally...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
There might have been something-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Something going on!
MARCUS PARKS
Something going on.
ED LARSON
Or he died in front of her and she left.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Left. Oh very much so. Like what happened with John Belushi and Chris Farley and all those other fat, charming men like Phil Schneider.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who died well before their time.
ED LARSON
Gram Parsons.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But that might have been where the blood came from. Maybe some, yes, the blonde woman, someone may have gotten accidentally hit in the face. There might have been some sort of altercation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or it could come out of your mouth. I do believe it could just slide out of you if you die of asphyxiation, especially when you break the bones in your neck or whatever. I'm not certain.
MARCUS PARKS
I have no idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've never done it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well breaking bones in your neck, that's usually from like strangulation with your hand-
ED LARSON
Falling.
MARCUS PARKS
Strangulation with hands, the thyroid bone. That's usually, yeah, like hand. This is more like slow strangulation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Epstein. The Epstein trigger.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And that's the story of Phil Schneider and his alien attack!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now this story, I'm really happy we finally got into the nitty gritty of this and how slick this is. But we're about to get into some real warfare.
MARCUS PARKS
Join us next week as we cover a near deadly Canadian alien encounter and a good old fashioned shootout down in Kentucky for Aliens Attack part two.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Woo! Man! Love you, Phil! Miss you, buddy. I hope you're doing good out there, man.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wherever you're at, Phil, I hope you're up in heaven hanging out with Ronald Reagan and oh, who's new there? Who just got there? Oh yeah, Bob Newhart!
ED LARSON
Bob Newhart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he gets to see Bob Newhart live.
ED LARSON
(tongue tied)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is a Bob Newhart bit, that's old. That is old. But what an episode, Marcus, good work.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you very much, I did the best I could with all of this nonsense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I do think that it is important to see. I have an idea.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's interesting because it is kind of a look into how paranoid schizophrenia might have... Because Phil Schneider is one of the architects of modern conspiracy thought. He's one of the smaller ones.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He's no Bill Cooper but he's definitely one of the guys that was-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He floats around.
MARCUS PARKS
He was one of those guys that gets brought up again and again. Usually when people bring up Phil Schneider, it's not in context of the Dulce Base. They bring up Phil Schneider as an example of like this is a conspiracy theorist who was suicided.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what they bring up, that's how they hold him up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
As like a man who was suicided.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He got too close to the truth because he was saying really... Honestly he was calling for violence. And he was asking for it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. He was calling for violence constantly. He's one of those people that's always calling for violence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He said that we needed a violent uprising in the US government and he said that it was the only thing to do it. Of course he's only talking to a room of 70 year olds and none of them were ready to go. My most fringe belief I'm starting to come across now in my mind-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that something like the Dulce Base is a perfect allegory for what is currently being revealed by the various new laws that they're trying to write in to protect whistleblowers that are coming forward with UFO information inside the US government. Charles Schumer, I followed this a little bit on the UFO stream this week but there's this new language coming out and this new law that's put together by Chucky Schumer that's all about creating these protections for whistleblowers. But there's a couple of things that are really curious. One, that the US government would create protections for people that reveal that we are working with nonhuman intelligences both within and outside the government. And two, that we have some form of ship on hand and we're building technology off of it. And what is interesting about it is that whether that is disinformation or not, that is a little dog whistle to what they might have heard in closed doors. This idea, this rumor, this idea that we're working with a nonhuman intelligence. I went to a private talk with Lue Elizondo. He talked about how the proof that we're gonna see maybe one day is that the concept of this is that it's way different and way weirder than we have any language for. That we don't know what it is. My idea now is that I was reading this thing about Lydia Fairchild, a woman born with two sets of DNA. She actually, it's like a whole long story, you should look into it, it's very fascinating. We found out that, we don't know how often it is, that human beings can be born with two whole separate lines of DNA. All of our reality systems are based upon DNA testing these days. So it's really weird. We're in this kind of weird area with it. What if there's a way that there are things walking around that look just like us and are us but are from another dimension but if you pop up the hood, they're completely different.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Sure. Oh man, no. If I ever commit suicide with my own catheter, just know that I did it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Patreon.com/podcastontheleft. Give us money.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. If you want to see video episodes of us. that's where you can find it is at the Patreon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And we got BTS, we got a bunch of different shit. We got discount codes on our new show. We got the new UK merch store. We are out there, y'all.
ED LARSON
Australia, New Zealand, we're coming, baby.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
There's still some tickets except for in Brisbane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, Brisbane sold out. Again, go onto our socials @LPontheleft and sign up if you are an Australian with a ticket to one of the Australian shows. This is the makeup for and the say I'm sorry for the fact that it's been four years since we've been there but we want you to go, put the little ticket number in there, put your name and email in there, and we're going to be doing a stream just for you guys. It is July 23rd, 12:30pm Australia time. And so we are setting it all up. We're gonna do an hour, you're gonna come and watch us. We'll give you a little BTS of the studio and we're gonna do a Q&A and it'll be fun as hell. Won't it? So buy tickets now, you can join in that even if you didn't buy tickets then.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And check out all the rest of our streams at LPN TV. That's twitch.tv/LPNTV. And you can also check out all of our streams after the fact on our YouTube channel. If you want to watch Last Stream on the Left live, you can do that on our Patreon. And if you want to see us live in all the cities we're gonna be playing this year, we sold out our first London show. So be sure if you want to see us when we come to London this October, we sold out the first London show. Make sure to buy tickets for the second London show because that one is definitely gonna sell out too. And we can't wait to see y'all out in Reykjavik. Be sure to get your tickets, all you fucking Icelanders.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you gotta come out! I know you guys like to buy tickets last minute but y'all gotta buy them tickets now, all right? Now you Icelanders, you get out there, you buy that ticket now. All right?
MARCUS PARKS
That's just how they are. It's their culture. They're gonna buy it the day before.
ED LARSON
Don't show up with fish, show up with money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We want money. Hey, lamb. Also some of that sweet, sweet Iceland weed. You know that marijuana in that beautiful lava-ridden cold rock has got to be absolutely delicious.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you know what they have there?
ED LARSON
I'm sure it's the worst weed.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you know what they have there that's incredible?
ED LARSON
Heroin.
MARCUS PARKS
Mushrooms.
ED LARSON
Oh!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh!
MARCUS PARKS
Their mushrooms are fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bring them to the show.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I guess I'll have to stay an extra day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein!
ED LARSON
Hail Bob Newhart!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bob Newhart! He doesn't do anything wrong, right?
ED LARSON
No, he's a wonderful human being.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
Bye, Bob.