HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like Anders Breivik could have learned a lot from reading Dune. I was yelling to Marcus about Dune before this because they were inherent things that Marcus doesn't yet fully understand about Dune.
MARCUS PARKS
Well because I was telling-
ED LARSON
Like he's a normal human, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I was telling him like I even tried the audiobook, listening to Dune. It's just I just can't stand Frank Herbert's writing style at all in any form.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I understand. You're turning people off to the show in droves and that's fine. You can alienate people. This is a subjective show. But it's important for Anders Breivik to understand because this is what I explained to you before is that they were talking about the idea of being afraid of a white savior complex inside of Dune, right, the idea. But the whole book series is about how a white savior just fucks everything up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like when they show up, any savior, anybody who says that they're the number one that can fix absolutely everything is lying to you or they have to turn into a despot to do the whole thing, which is my big plan. But honestly if Anders Breivik understood more things about Dune, he'd understand his one man war against liberalism wasn't gonna fucking work because what you need honestly is the actual Knights Templar, which is the one thing he didn't have.
ED LARSON
He claimed he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
But he didn't. Well I guess Dune is the salve for all the world's problems.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come on, guys, get into it! His name is Frank.
ED LARSON
You don't want to live in Dune though. It's awful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, the Fremen have figured out how to live on Arrakis.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Figured out how, it's fucking awful. Yeah, plenty of people have figured out how to live in the Sahara but you don't want to live there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're doing it on purpose, they had to hide from the Harkonnens or else they wouldn't be living-
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left! We're not getting into Dune and the Harkonnens right now.
ED LARSON
You know he national anthem of Araxas? Oye Como Va.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You fucked up. It's Arrakis. And that is Abraxas, that's a Santana album. You are incorrect. It is a bridge too far.
MARCUS PARKS
My name is Marcus Parks, I'm here with Dune master Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I'm the Dune master.
ED LARSON
And poon master Ed Larson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. Hey now, hey. Let's ask Julie. Is he the poon master?
MARCUS PARKS
And we're here for the conclusion of our series on Anders Breivik.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's where the joking stops. Because today's episode is the real serious shit. But we got some breaks in there.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Today's episode is brought to you by therapy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually unfortunately the episode was brought to you by not going to therapy.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because if he had went to therapy, we would be talking about Swedish Fish. You know what I mean? I don't know what we'd talk about. All right. The world's scariest meals.
MARCUS PARKS
So when we last left Anders Breivik, the date was July 21, 2011, and he'd just parked a van containing a homemade bomb in a garden center in Oslo in preparation for his day of terror. Now after parking the bomb, Anders headed to his mother's duplex to sleep so he'd already be in Oslo when it came time to kick off the plan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you think he showed up with like a corn cob pipe and a straw hat being like (Nordic accent) ja, mom, just came from the farm, I'm enjoying my life. Like he's the guy from the Colombian beans.
MARCUS PARKS
So at 12:30 the next afternoon, Breivik sat in the fart room and sent out an email to the 8000 addresses he'd farmed from Facebook. This email contained his quote unquote "film", a list of right wing websites, and his 1500 page manifesto. The problem was such a massive send got stalled after it was sent to 1000 addresses because the spam filters marked Breivik's manifesto as garbage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nailed it!
MARCUS PARKS
And therefore most of the people who were supposed to get the email never got it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And upon reflection, it's not a very good manifesto.
ED LARSON
Yeah. How far did you get?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I read a couple hundred pages.
ED LARSON
A couple of hundred pages.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Good for you.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's bad. It was bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Well undeterred. Breivik left his computer going just in case the other 7000 emails broke through and left his browser on a website that showed the day's program for a summer camp on nearby Utøya Island which was attended by the youth wing of the National Labor Party of Norway, known as the AUF. Now the reasons why Anders Breivik chose Utøya Island were simple. The AUF was actually a pipeline for Labor Party leadership in Norway. So Breivik believed that he was exterminating the party leaders of tomorrow. It's the old 'nits make lice' justification people use to kill or horrifically mistreat children. The Nazis used it all the time. Utøya Island was also a fair distance from Oslo. It was only reachable by boat or ferry, there were only a few places to hide, and it had a large concentration of people on a relatively small land mass, 564 people on just 26 acres. But while there was a fair amount of older staff and visitors, the vast majority of the people on the island were young adults and teenagers between the ages of 14-23.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, the true Marxist soldiers of the future. Obviously it's very sad but he also just knew that this would be an easy place.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. There wasn't gonna be anybody that was gonna give him any resistance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
So after Breivik sent out the email containing his manifesto and his quote unquote "film", he returned to the garden center where he'd parked the bomb and changed into an outfit that made him appear as if he was a police officer. after Breivik put on his cop costume, he drove the van to a tower block that housed both the Ministry of Justice and the Prime Minister's office. and this building was not blocked by any barricades whatsoever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This entire crime is predicated on the fact that Norway has never experienced anything like this before since the Vikings.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I would say since the Nazis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Since the Nazis.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so they were just kind of open for it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they really were. He then backed his 2000 lb bomb into an area where the impact of the blast would explode towards the building, maximizing impact. Now ostensibly, no parking was supposed to be allowed in this particular area but no one cared that Anders parked there because delivery vehicles parked in the spot all the time. This was supposed to be for the sole purpose of picking up and dropping off the Prime Minister of Norway.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So basically like a guy from Domino's could just be hanging out there being like how did I get here? Did you order this on the app? Oh my god! What a trip. The salted herring is incredible though. Are you the prime minister? Here's your crazy bread.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean in essence, this is the equivalent of a terrorist parking a bomb in front of 10 Downing Street in London then walking away while the security guard shrugged and said I'm sure it's fine, no problems here. And so after parking, Breivik lit the fuse which gave him six minutes to flee the scene. He then pulled his pistol out of his holster and walked away while wearing a helmet and body armor, ready to murder anyone who tried to stop him. But since Anders was dressed as a cop, absolutely no one paid him any mind, almost as if he was just a part of the scenery. See in Norway, most citizens have an extraordinarily high degree of trust in their police force.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because they're trained to help.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean the police force is structured specifically to foster trust and cooperation.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they don't go out killing people.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. That's the number one thing they don't do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. A 2021 poll showed that 82% of Norwegians had the utmost trust in police. This is vastly at odds with the way policing structured here in America where the culture is more of an antagonistic us vs them mentality where we're scared of the cops and the cops are scared of us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it definitely has gotten to that in 2024. The idea might have started, the idea that they are protecting... There was a difference between the police and the military for a long time. I know some of our younger listeners may not remember that but there used to be like a separation to that and they were supposed to kind of help at a more local level. And then honestly even my father would talk about how being a cop was supposed to be about you're supposed to help the neighborhood that you work in because ostensibly that's the neighborhood you live in. And it has changed. Once they got the tanks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which I understand. Once I get a tank, a lot of shit's gonna be different.
ED LARSON
Yeah. We have so many extra tanks, what are we gonna do? Give them to Israel?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what you do, again, I've been saying this for a long time. Every community should have one tank. And the police can have a tank if every neighborhood can also have a neighborhood tank.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you can go and you can subscribe, you're put on a list, right, and then that's your weekend with the tank.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh you can check out the tank like it's a lending library.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Yes. And again, it's for specific things. You have a problem with the DMV. If you find out that the fucking Caribou Coffee has run out of your favorite mocha syrup.
ED LARSON
Son of a bitch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tank equality.
ED LARSON
You know the NYPD is two submarines?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Seriously?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. That's incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good for them.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they have two submarines.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, cool.
ED LARSON
And 30,000 something people work for the NYPD which is as many soldiers as all of Australia.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh my god.
ED LARSON
We're not talking about that. I'm off subject immediately.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? They should have went to goddamn Norway. This is the one time our police system was fucking correct.
MARCUS PARKS
Well but that's all to say that when Anders Breivik strolled through the streets with his gun unholstered, there was only one guy who made note of the fact that this supposed cop climbed into his van and started driving against the flow of traffic. Now I'm just speculating here but this blatant disregard for safety, it might be exactly why this guy thought something was up because it seems out of character for a Norwegian cop. But either way, just as Anders Breivik escaped the scene at around 3:25 pm, his 2000 lb bomb exploded with incredible force. Instantly, a man walking near the van was so thoroughly destroyed that the only intact part of his body was his left hand, which was identified only by his wedding ring. Two young women were likewise engulfed in flames and thrown to the ground, killed instantly. The resulting scene resembled a war zone with people unaccustomed to terrorism listlessly wandering through the broken glass and rubble. In all, eight people were killed by Breivik's bomb and a further 200 were injured. However it could have been far worse. Since Breivik set off his bomb in June, many of the people who would normally fill downtown Oslo were on vacation, which tells you that this bomb was by no means the main event. Rather this was a tactic that Breivik had written about in his manifesto, make a loud noise in the east and attack in the west. But even so, had Breivik stuck to his original plan to build a 4000 lb bomb, he could have quite possibly brought down the building where he parked. And that would have killed the Norwegian Prime Minister.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we know that this is the first part of his plan. We didn't go through all of the details of him building the bombs for the months that he was on his farm.
MARCUS PARKS
It's quite tedious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very, very, truly the reason why is because it was tedious. But it also shows it's his own lack of, I'm not gonna say drive, because he did have this plan. But it was too difficult for him to put together all of the materials.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he was going and going and then he realized he's just giving himself cancer that we're all still waiting for. Hopefully that pops up soon.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's hope so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Do you think a 4000 lb bomb would have fit in the van?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What was the OKC...
MARCUS PARKS
I think that was 6000.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he had help.
MARCUS PARKS
It was either 4000 or 6000.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Timothy McVeigh had a system of people helping him. But that fit in a van.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And Breivik obviously was inspired by that, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He definitely looked at McVeigh as an example of a fertilizer bomb.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah, he was like it was possible to make this much damage with just a fertilizer bomb.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And they also had the same favorite quote about blood of tyrants and blah, blah, blah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Blah, blah, blah.
MARCUS PARKS
Tree of liberty bullshit and fuck off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the witness who'd noted Breivik's odd behavior called emergency services and gave them the make, model, color, and license plate of the van driven by a man dressed as a police officer who was behaving strangely just before the blast.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They had him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, they had him dead to rights. They had every bit of information they could have needed to catch him immediately. But the literally fatal flaw here was that Oslo police had no shared alert procedures simply because it had never occurred to them to put such procedures in place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you have any idea how hard it is to put a siren on a sled? It's extremely difficult. And then if you're skiing with the siren on your hat-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like yeah, it's fun and games and everyone loves to see a guy doing it but it's very difficult to balance, especially if you don't do it all the time.
ED LARSON
Yeah, there was actually a reindeer that knew it was true but no one could understand it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because you go-
ED LARSON
Santa Claus?
MARCUS PARKS
Therefore anytime an order or a piece of information needed to be shared, everyone had to be called one by one, making timely coordination impossible. That meant that there were no roadblocks leading out of Oslo and no immediate search for the van that was being driven by a possible suspect. Instead all available manpower focused on the rescue operation downtown and that included their version of a SWAT team, Norway's Delta Force.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do I feel like the band or the emblem for the Norwegian Delta Force is just like a seagull with a bunch of licorice in its bill?
MARCUS PARKS
Black liquorice too. Scandinavians love that black liquorice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They love that, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of bitter candy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe it's because the weather is bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Now that's Delta Force's first album, Bitter Candy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) (singing) Ja, ja, ja, do the candy dance! Do the candy dance! I think we're supposed to be doing something right now.
ED LARSON
Have you ever eaten Lakerol, their candy?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Fucking cigarettes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it tastes like cigarettes.
ED LARSON
So disgusting.
MARCUS PARKS
Additionally, Norway only had one police helicopter. To put it into perspective, the LAPD alone has 17 helicopters, which is actually less than I expected.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought so too.
MARCUS PARKS
I thought it was gonna be like 30 or 40.
ED LARSON
They're just all flying all the time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also that's just the LAPD.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All around SoCal, I think there's a lot of helicopters.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Beverly Hills might have their own helicopters because they're their own police force.
ED LARSON
Most likely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Burbank's their own city.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Probably got its own helicopters too. Good for them. Again, my dream! This is all I wanna be is India from CIV.
MARCUS PARKS
You just wanna be a paramilitary-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Guy.
MARCUS PARKS
You just wanna be a full-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a good guy. Like a nice guy.
ED LARSON
Oh here we go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When they find out I have an army. They're gonna be like ah he's a good guy. He's a good guy!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. As soon as you gotta say I'm a nice guy, I'm a good guy, that means you're a piece of shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no, no, no. It's like what we did on Side Stories this week about how you always know if somebody's reasonable if they're screaming at you.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But really the number of helicopters in Norway was irrelevant because the helicopter crew, it was June, they were on vacation. And they had no backups. Yeah, vacation, they take vacation very seriously in Scandinavia.
ED LARSON
All Europe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All we gotta do is meet in the middle here.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's like all I'm asking for.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the Americans, us working ourselves to death-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To death.
MARCUS PARKS
Constantly making it a part of our culture to work yourself to death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And being gone for four months.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's gotta be a happy medium.
MARCUS PARKS
There has to be somewhere in the middle.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They go on paternity leave if their cousin has a kid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, they're like (Nordic accent) I have got to go an see if my other cousin's pussy is still intact.
MARCUS PARKS
There's a middle ground here. Well much of the response, it seemed at least at first relaxed for lack of a better word. I would say there was a lack of urgency to it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It seems like they were showing up to help people get better or get out and not like concentrating on the who did this part.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, that was exactly what they were focused on. Like we gotta help these people and that's all we're focused on, we'll worry about catching this guy later. Because it didn't really occur to them that that guy, whoever was responsible for it, it didn't occur to them that that guy might be doing other shit. And also at first they kind of assumed like this seems like an Al Qaeda type thing so it was probably a suicide bomber.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were saying this that at the time too, there was a lot of like spear rattling. What's the term from Gaddafi?
MARCUS PARKS
Saber rattling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, from Gaddafi. And that Gaddafi was saying that he was gonna bring terrorism to Scandinavia. So there was a little bit of that thing and it's the Libyans!
MARCUS PARKS
And the thing is is that the helicopter pilot did show up. He's like yeah, I'm on vacation but it sounds like you need me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Takes his wooden shoes off, stops having sex with his four wives. I don't know what it's like in Norway. It sounds nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But he was told he wasn't needed. And Oslo police didn't notify the military or arrange for military helicopters even though the Prime Minister himself was nearly killed. No nationwide alert was issued and none of the information about the bombing was sent to the media. But most importantly, even when CCTV footage spotted Anders Breivik, no one was told that the suspect was dressed as a cop.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Had this information been made public, someone may have taken notice when Anders Breivik, hopped up on Red Bull, showed up at the ferry heading to Utøya Island. In his possession was a rifle, a pistol, and a Pelican case containing thousands of rounds of ammunition and various other implements of destruction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I found out that he called the pistol Mjöllnir and he called the rifle-
MARCUS PARKS
Mjöllnir.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mjöllnir.
MARCUS PARKS
Mjöllnir.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mjöllnir. And then the rifle was called like another, it was like Odin's spear which just sounds like a Swedish brand of condoms. I forgot what it's called.
MARCUS PARKS
Some dumb Norse shit.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it wasn't just Red Bull, I guess it was all the epinephrine or whatever that stuff-
ED LARSON
Sudafed?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The stuff that they took out of medicine, the good stuff.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was taking that solidly and then he was all up on his steroids and shit. So he was like all roided up and ready to go and he was kind of expecting a lot more conflict.
MARCUS PARKS
He was. Now within about an hour and a half, the kids and counselors on Utøya Island were getting reports of what happened in Oslo. So the news was spreading quickly. Ironically though, as I said, the first report suggested that the terrorist bombing might have been perpetrated by Al Qaeda. This worked in Breivik's favor. When he approached the ferry to Utøya in an unmarked van, holding a rifle, which suspicious-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, in our world. We're also hyper paranoid now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're extremely paranoid.
ED LARSON
But if there's an attack and like a cop shows up with a gun, I mean that seems normal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course!
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing. A security guard approached him and asked him hey, what are you doing here? And with a casual dismissal, Anders told the young guard that he was there because officers were being posted in various locations around the country because of the bombing. And also like unmarked cars, like oh well, good thing they're here in a hurry!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got here. He must have just got done delivering his fish.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. After that, the only request put towards Anders was to cover his rifle so the kids wouldn't get scared once he arrived on the island.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then the term Anders, it's always the annoyed, it's the ugh!
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. Went back to his van, found a plastic bag which only really covered half the rifle-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Is it good enough? Is it good for you?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. All right, get on. This was deemed good enough. And the ferry, the MS Thorbjørn, pushed off soon after. All the baggage had been checked except for Breivik's case because it simply didn't occur to anyone to even question whether or not he was a cop, much less search his shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this ferry captain would be haunted for the rest of his life for doing this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He didn't know and he felt... Because I guess he did try to run a loose like rescue operation after to help.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But by then it was already like too late.
MARCUS PARKS
Now once the ferry arrived at Utøya Island, 600 yards from the mainland, the security guard at the dock was immediately suspicious of Breivik, who by this point was getting a little twitchy. Almost immediately Breivik nearly blew his cover, giving fumbling answers about his supposed assignment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's not gonna be on Whose Line anytime soon.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's one of those guys, some comedians can't improv.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everything has to be written. He left it all on the table with his manifesto and even that was bad. So he's no George Carlin.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope. But pretty soon Breivik convinced the security guard to help gather everyone on the island to meet at a single location, a grassy slope near the main building.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) And here, if you could hand out these neon shirts. Now we also have, yes, these orange shirts, if you hand out these whistles as well and have them begin to whistle.
ED LARSON
(Nordic accent) Don't forget the glow stick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Yes, if you could. It's almost going to be sunset.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And I mean this was under the guise of like we gotta brief everybody on this bombing. So let's gather everyone together in one place. But as Breivik walked behind the guard, a man named Trond Berntsen, he pulled his pistol from his holster, held it to the back of Berntsen's head, and pulled the trigger. With that, the killing spree had begun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And now we might do little bits of, just so you know, obviously this is gonna be very difficult as we go into the details of all these crimes. And I think Eddie said you also have some really important material that will help, some stuff that would really like... Because I know a lot of people look to us for emotional support.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Yeah, I thought it'd be best that in order to cut the pain, I would write some really hacky Norway jokes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Oh I thought that you were going from grief counseling, I thought these were grief counseling notes.
ED LARSON
Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that Norwegian cuisine is so bad that they're changing the name of it to Sizzler?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that this might be almost as bad as the crimes themselves.
ED LARSON
What? I'm killing.
MARCUS PARKS
I thought it was fantastic. I thought it was really funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll get to, we'll figure out... I didn't know that this didn't come from a grief counselor.
ED LARSON
It's true. No, that is a fact though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fine.
ED LARSON
It's written down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought it came from the guy from 9/11. That one guy who made people not sad anymore on 9/11.
MARCUS PARKS
Walking with Breivik and Berntsen was a woman named Monica Bøsei who was only there because she was married to the captain of the MS Thorbjørn. Breivik shot her too. And after she went down, Breivik straddled his first victim and shot him twice in the head, then did the same to Monica. Once the shock wore off, the captain who was also walking next to Breivik, ran over to the grassy hill where everyone had gathered and warned everyone to run for their lives. That's when the chaos began. Now one of the misconceptions about mass shootings is that the perpetrators are wild madmen reveling in the moment, laughing maniacally, something akin to Natural Born Killers or Jake Busey in The Frighteners.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, interesting example.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. Well I mean he very much was into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was.
ED LARSON
But no one's seen that movie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can imagine.
MARCUS PARKS
People have seen The Frighteners, The Frighteners is a classic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Imagine Jake Busey, who is Gary Busey with less rules.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So imagine that.
MARCUS PARKS
In reality though, most mass shooters carry out their task with cold, calm precision, methodically working their way through groups of people while exuding a thick atmosphere of stoic inhumanity. In all, Breivik may have been the best example of this behavior. When a young AUF member ran up to him asking for help because he was dressed as a cop, and this would happen again and again, he shot her without the slightest hesitation, then took aim at a group of kids 30 meters away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was a very interesting GQ article from the time period that interviewed a lot of the survivors and talking about what it looked like. And one of the things that struck me about the imagery of Anders Breivik from a distance looking like a lone police officer. But the way they looked at it is that they also said that the vision of him was so kind of unbelievable because yeah, he was dressed in a police officer uniform, but they also thought it was interesting that the rifle that he had was like so absurd, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like it was way overpowered for what anybody would be trying to do. And they said it had this massive silencer on it and a bayonet attached to it. And then he had the pistol on the other hand, like walking like the Terminator. And there was like a moment of almost being like who's this fucking cartoon character?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like before you're even scared, it was way more like why is he doing this like this like this? This is not-
MARCUS PARKS
The absurdity of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He showed up to... Like I don't know. I guess it's about the shattering of an innocent afternoon, like it's about that. But it's also he was such a pussy that he arrived with an army style like... To kill children.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Now I think I asked this question before but how many rounds of ammunition did he have with him?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
3000!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
How do you even carry that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Huge box that took four people to lift onto the ferry and then they lifted off of the ferry and then he made a little base of operations. And so he went through the main kind of cafe area and cleared it out and then he put all this stuff out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it became his like little center, his little war room.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he immediately dropped a 22 year old member of the AUF by hitting him in the shoulder with a rifle bullet. Then he calmly walked up to him and fired again into his neck to make sure he was dead. This would be Breivik's chosen method of execution, get them with the rifle, make sure they're dead with the pistol. But for the victims, the most terrifying part of their ordeal was that Utøya Island didn't have many places to hide. There were few buildings, much of the island was made up of open fields of grass, and the formerly thick forest had been reduced to a few sparse trees. As far as swimming for it went, a lot of the island was skirted by sheer cliffs. And even if they did make it to the water, they still had to swim the equivalent of six football fields. And there was always the chance that Breivik would fire at you while you were swimming away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that was one of the original plans was to shoot in a circle, get everybody, that's the way he viewed it, was to get them in the lake and then he would pick everybody off from inside the lake. So that's what he kind of thought, he'd sweep them into the water.
ED LARSON
So was it a lake?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a lake.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it was a lake? It was an island in the middle of a lake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Now within 10 minutes the local police station received a call from the boat captain who told them that there was a man dressed as a policeman shooting kids on Utøya Island. By this point, Breivik had already killed nine people. While walking through the camp buildings looking for more victims, Breivik later said that he almost disassociated from the situation, imagining that he was carrying out a raid in World of Warcraft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dissociated is a kind word.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would say he didn't give a shit.
MARCUS PARKS
I said almost disassociated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He quickly cleared the main building, going from room to room and shooting anyone he found inside. It then occurred to him that some of the kids might have been feigning death, so he went back and shot each kid who was laying on the ground in the head to make sure he killed them. A lot of them got two bullets in the head. What very much surprised Breivik though was that hardly any of the kids were fighting back or even running. Instead they begged or simply screamed in terror. In one case, Anders brought a pistol to the face of a girl who was in mid scream and he fired into her open mouth, killing her instantly. Others were shot through their hands as they tried covering their faces in some instinctual, ineffective bid for protection, while some sat frozen against the wall in the hallway of the main building while Breivik shot them one by one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When I read that witness testimony, I think it was important because then I saw from inside their heads like kind of why. Like why?
MARCUS PARKS
Why they froze?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why they froze. Because they all kind of said the same thing. This doesn't happen here.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They all were way... They said the beginning wave of the shots came and they were mostly driven by curiosity because they didn't understand what the sounds were and they didn't fully... They heard people say this and they're like oh this must be a prank or people are freaking out. Like no one thought that this could happen to them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They're all raised to be kind, gentle human beings.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. I mean there's a lot going on but it's more like neutral. Also understanding that you can deal with things diplomacy and you're supposed to deal with things with bureaucracy and government. That is the nice part of the left leaning government.
ED LARSON
Yeah, rationalization.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This is the definition of it can't happen here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It can't happen here. Now do you have any statements about that? Do you have anything from the grief counselor to help?
ED LARSON
Yeah. Trolls in Norway, they're a major part of Norwegian mythology. And most trolls, I don't know if you know this or not Henry, but most of them are known to be short, stubby, unkempt creatures who feast on anything from stones to children. And in America we call them Zebrowskis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't understand how this is helping.
MARCUS PARKS
Burn, you fucker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know why this grief counselor-
ED LARSON
Fucking got your ass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I didn't think I would come into this scenario, this very serious moment and be roasted.
MARCUS PARKS
Burn the troll. Burn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that makes me really angry.
ED LARSON
Well your nose job looks great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am untouched by surgery. I know a lot of people don't think so.
MARCUS PARKS
Well incredibly, Breivik's entire spree in the main building alone took less than two minutes. By the time he left, he'd killed 13 kids and critically injured many more, then moved on to shooting the tents that dotted Utøya Island's open campsite. Meanwhile Norway's lack of a centralized response system was making the police response painfully slow. And incredibly, even though it was well known by this time that there was a shooter on the island, the Utøya Island ferry was not being used. See the ferry had returned to the mainland after dropping off Anders Breivik because the leader of the AUF, a guy names Eskil Pedersen, had used it along with eight others to escape the island themselves immediately, even though there were still over 550 people trapped on the island with Breivik.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is one of those moments where I'm not gonna speak ill, I don't know this person or this family, but this is bad.
MARCUS PARKS
He was heavily criticized.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. He left everybody to die. He was in charge.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he was the guy that Breivik was technically there to kill.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He'd been one of Breivik's main targets.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And he was so set on killing him that Breivik had studied photos of Peterson to make sure he could recognize him once he saw him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In some kind of fucked up way I feel like if he had shot Pedersen, he might have actually ended his spree a lot sooner because he would have gotten the thing that he came for. So this guy, he just kind of left all these children to die.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well in his defense, he had just filled his Subway sandwich card. And he needed to get that free sandwich.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I get that.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that shit runs out.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That was his plan for the day and you can't break those plans.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And guess what, man? It doesn't roll over.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought if I could leave that to Natalie, because I have a collection of these-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they said no. They lawyer said no, the state said no. So I don't know what's going to happen when she kills me.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as it went, Pedersen's decision to leave was heavily, heavily criticized, especially when witness testimony came out describing the anguish that some of the critically injured kids felt as their leader fucked off to safety while they lay on the ground bleeding to death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Could you imagine being shot in the field? And d guy that you're doing a bunch of free work for, let's just face facts, right, you're an intern-
MARCUS PARKS
Well this is summer camp.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but you know what I mean. But a lot of these, they're still interns, they're kids. And you're watching the guy that's been telling everybody what to do, being like (Nordic accent) love your hustle. Oh ja, good work in there. You're a real rock star, Bjorn. You know, like that guy. And you're doing a bunch of free work with him, watching him duck and cover, run into the ferry. And they're all like he's going, he's gonna save... He's leaving!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you just watch the ferry just pull off. Plenty of room.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally 200 people could have went on the ferry.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he just left.
ED LARSON
But do you think if they would have sat there and loaded 200 people on the ferry, don't you think Breivik would have just fucking... He would have just like loaded into it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you know what's weird is that as we'll get to, Anders Breivik was looking for an out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he was kind of looking for an out. He was trying to find a way for... Because like right before this he did definitely contemplate committing suicide, there was a moment before he was coming from the bomb to Utøya where he was going do the thing to be a full martyr. But then he was like oh but the trial.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I gotta get there for the trial. And so that's why he continued to move on.
MARCUS PARKS
Now back on the island, an 18 year old named Anders Kristiansen had found a phone. He called the Norwegian version of 911, telling them that a shooter was loose on Utøya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fjord, fjord, fjord.
MARCUS PARKS
Incredibly though, the operator argued with Kristiansen and told him that he was wrong. There wasn't a shooter on Utøya, there's a bombing in Oslo, you fucking idiot. And so the kid hung up and huddled together with a group of kids who were all quickly found by Breivik and executed. Now by this point, Breivik was looking at the situation with a degree of fascination. The more he killed, the more he began noticing little details of death. For example, he said that when he shot someone in the head, he heard a sort of exhalation, a breath coming from the hole he'd made. Instead of horror, all he could think was how interesting it was, all while he alternated weapons to make sure he at least had one gun loaded at all times. Now by 5:40 pm, about 25 minutes after Breivik began, Norway's elite response team, Delta Force, finally left Oslo for Utøya, which unfortunately was about an hour's drive away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Okay, time to go. Ugh, god.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. If they had the helicopter there, could have gotten there a lot faster.
ED LARSON
(Nordic accent) These aren't my work shoes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Like (Nordic accent) oh, I can't wear my casual cardigan out. I became Canadian.
MARCUS PARKS
Meanwhile local police were at Utøya Island looking at it, they were ready to go. But they were told to wait until Delta Force showed up. The problem was Delta didn't know where Utøya Island was because their GPS was giving the wrong information.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god. They fucking... Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
And it wasn't a well known place, not really, not to everybody.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. But still. It's just all of these things, it just pains me. I know, yeah, of course.
MARCUS PARKS
And the rendezvous point for a full assault kept changing for one reason or another. In other words, Norway was entirely unprepared for an American style mass shooting. And the extreme panic that came as a result cost them dozens of lives and casualties, which is not necessarily something I blame them for. They just weren't ready.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's why he did it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It literally is why he did it. It's because he knew they weren't ready. And he did it because it would be easy. I think that obviously there was a moment where he thought that he was just gonna get shot by a bunch of cops. Like he kind of thought that the military was gonna roll in.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, like it's 5 stars on GTA.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, he wanted that because he wanted all this attention. But even after all of this mayhem, people still didn't care about Anders.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. People don't do mass shootings at police stations.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
They pick malls and schools.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they pick where it's vulnerable.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Where it's easy. Well case in point when it came to the surprising nature of the attack was when Breivik decided to give himself up at 6 pm. This is after he murdered 40 people. He still had 29 to go. Because he'd forgotten his cellphone in his van in downtown Oslo, Breivik made his way into the island's cafe and found a cellphone. There he dialed the number for the local police and said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Yes, good afternoon. My name is Commander Anders Behring Breivik of the Norwegian anti-communist resistance movement."
MARCUS PARKS
Irish. You're going Irish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just doing my best. (Nordic accent) "I'm on Utøya at the moment. I want to give myself up."
MARCUS PARKS
You have the worst Norwegian accent in the world.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was doing the German then which is closest for me. That was the closest I was trying to do. And then I was trying to do subtle and every time I tried to do the subtle Scandinavian, it goes Irish, Canadian, or back to German. So I'm just kind of sticking to sort of a Sven-like atmosphere.
MARCUS PARKS
You're doing Swedish Chef.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm sticking to Sven because that's what I know and that's what you guys get. That's what the Scandinavians get. I'm doing my best.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you should have sucked on a bunch of licorice before you got here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No because again, it would have soothed my stomach and I need that fire inside in order to do the show.
ED LARSON
Amen.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the cellphone didn't have a SIM card so the number didn't register on caller ID. The operator asked for Breivik's number in case they got cut off and tragically the call did indeed drop. But instead of calling back, Breivik put down the phone, walked to the water's edge where more kids were trying to escape, and continued shooting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And think of the boredom inherent in this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There is this level of just total like he was tired.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was tired, he was done. Like he didn't feel like he-
MARCUS PARKS
The Red Bull's worn off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess that's truly one of the worst aspects of this story is his... I'm kind of almost wishing for an Osama bin Laden style energy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A little bit more get up and go.
MARCUS PARKS
No. It's boredom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's boredom.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sheer apathy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Doesn't care. Now one of the stats that usually go unmentioned when it comes to the Utøya massacre is just how many people were actually shot but didn't die. While Breivik killed 69, he wounded a further 110. Meaning that one out of every three people on Utøya caught a bullet from Anders Breivik. Many of those 110 survived much of the time however on sheer luck. For example, one girl who was shot in the face crawled out of the cafe while holding her own jaw. And just by chance, a woman who knew first aid found her and saved her life. And luckily she did so in a spot where Breivik did not return. Because concerning Breivik's path, he had enough time to circle the entire island, finding more and more kids waiting on the shore for rescue. Then he had time to do it again, sometimes finding and shooting kids that he'd missed the first time around.
ED LARSON
So people who stayed in the middle were more likely to be saved?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well there were people that were treading water in the lake.
MARCUS PARKS
It all depended on what time. Like if you stayed in the middle in the beginning, then you were more likely to be killed. But if you went out to the edges and then moved to the middle, then you were more likely to survive. There was just no way to know.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It was sheer fucking luck.
ED LARSON
And they're all pacifists.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah, I mean they don't understand what's happening.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they are now, as you begin to understand, but like how are we all gonna get together to find the guy? Also they're children. They're all like 14-21 years old essentially.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But I think at this point-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they don't have military training, it's not one of those countries-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah they do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do they have to go to military training?
MARCUS PARKS
Norway has mandatory military service.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But kind of a lot of times that's before, I imagine this is before they have to go-
ED LARSON
And like by military service in Norway, a lot of them have to be waiters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, this came from the grief counselor, Dr. Rev. Boingo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because remember, Anders got out of his mandatory military service because he had to take care of his mom who had herpes so bad she had to have a pump-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She had to get her head flushed.
MARCUS PARKS
She had to get her head pumped out of all the pus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I get it, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So I would imagine some of them-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I cannot go, my mom is filled with sex juice.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) She has to be sponged.
MARCUS PARKS
So I would imagine some of them did have some military training. But the vast majority of the victims were under the age of 18.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they're also not prepared for this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is not wartime.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were at summer camp.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But meanwhile, Delta Force had finally arrived across the water and 10 heavily armed officers boarded the local police's red rubber dinghy. It's the kind that you usually see on like rafting expeditions or lifeguards, something like that.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Bad for taking Delta Force over.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because their gear's pretty heavy.
MARCUS PARKS
They're real heavy. And so the boat's outboard motor couldn't work effectively. It was like halfway down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
And about halfway to the island, the overworked engine gave out and pretty soon the dinghy started taking on water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's the story of how Delta Force drowned.
ED LARSON
They could have!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On the way to do it. The entire SWAT team drowned.
MARCUS PARKS
They absolutely would have drowned.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just can't.
MARCUS PARKS
There's no way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's technically funny but it's not.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The sort of Three Stooges style running around like bailing it out like it's a Bugs Bunny cartoon. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But it's not. But the whole time they're hearing pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, coming from the island.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're all just panicking. Everybody's panicking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Delta forced them to continue the shooting. Is that too much? We can cut it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's editing. There's so much editing to be done.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean the thing is that suddenly a good Samaritan appeared in a rowboat and all 10 cops got on the rowboat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get on the boat!
MARCUS PARKS
But they had the same problem with the weight. They're actually moving slower now because they can't use... The rowboat is too heavy. And so another rowboat showed up and so that way the officers could go five and five and that sped them up considerably but they're still on a rowboat and they got like 300 yards to go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean I don't mean to compare but then I think about like Charles Whitman, like how Charles Whitman's lighting up people from the bell tower.
MARCUS PARKS
The bell tower at UT, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then like 40 guys with guns around... You know what I mean? Like it's such a different scenario in America.
MARCUS PARKS
Well during Charles Whitman's shooting, like remember there was a dude, a regular dude in an airplane-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shooting at him!
MARCUS PARKS
Flying around the tower and just fucking shooting. It's very different.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not pro America but it's like the one thing we got on lockdown is that everybody's dangerous. Like everybody from house to house can be dangerous. That's actually one of the big reasons they say truly why America has yet to be fully invaded.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is one of the most dangerous things about us is that the entire population can be motivated and mobilized. Which it's not good when you're going to the mall and you're hanging out. But if the Ruskis come, we got them.
MARCUS PARKS
But yeah, I mean that's the thing is that Charles Whitman, it's 14 vs 69.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well the lack of police presence, speaking of which, was highly puzzling to Anders Breivik. He'd expected special forces to arrive by helicopter long before this point. But the only bird circling the island was a news copter. Idly, Anders again thought of suicide but again ultimately decided that he owed it to himself to carry out his plan to phase three, the trial.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is how much time... This is the fucking time he had.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like sitting on a stump.
MARCUS PARKS
Had time to ponder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He's just like hanging out, drawing pictures, fucking playing Sudoku.
ED LARSON
When the cops are fucking rowing to get you, you got some extra time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're watching them come.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Do you think they got those rowboats in Oar-way?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That one did make me feel better. That one made me feel better.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in the meantime, Breivik continued with phase two, even though he was almost out of ammo and had been active for well over an hour without an ounce of resistance. Pretty soon though Breivik himself decided enough's enough and he tried calling again to turn himself in. After reaching the emergency line, he told them that he was on Utøya, he'd completed his mission, please someone come get me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I am tired.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I want to watch my shows.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. (Nordic accent) I want to watch The Shield.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Where is my iPad?
MARCUS PARKS
When the officer asked him what he was commander of, referring to his earlier proclamation of rank, because they're still trying to figure out who the fuck this guy is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He said, quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Knights Templar Europe, the organization is called. But we are organized in the anti-communist resistance movement against the Islamization of Europe and Norway. We have carried out an operation on behalf of the Knights Templar and in view of the fact that the operation is complete, then it's acceptable to surrender to Delta."
MARCUS PARKS
What followed is what I imagine to be a very Scandinavian conversation. This is the operator. (Nordic accent) "You want to surrender to Delta?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Can you put me through to the chief of operations at Delta?"
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) "Well the thing is you're talking to someone with, in a way, superior authority."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Okay. Just find out what you need to do and then call me on this phone right here. Okay, all right?"
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) "But what telephone number?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Brilliant. Bye."
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) "I haven't got the telephone number. Hello? Hello?" And then it's over.
ED LARSON
*69!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! I miss it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well of course Breivik had again used a cellphone without a working SIM card. But thankfully Delta Force had finally arrived, although it did take them a while to find Breivik. As Delta Force made their way north, Breivik headed south. Again, a girl saw Breivik in his police uniform and ran towards him. Coldly, Breivik asked her which person needed help. Then he shot and killed her, just giving her that little bit of hope before snuffing her life out. He then stood at the shore and fired at a boat that was trying to save the kids who were swimming for it and that drove the boat away. Breivik then shot five more kids. He did however decide to spare at least a couple of the people who found themselves within his rifle sights. One older boy was spared because Breivik thought he looks like a conservative. He looks like one of us, so I'm not gonna shoot him.
ED LARSON
Crew cut saved his life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It really did. You saw a picture of him, he had a crew cut. Another much younger boy whose father Breivik had already murdered was spared because Breivik decided that he was not an indoctrinated cultural Marxist just yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He had such a hard time killing white men.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was so sad about it.
MARCUS PARKS
He was. But finally a little over a minute after Breivik killed his last victim, Delta Force found him and advanced, some of them telling him to get on his knees, some telling them to lie on the ground. Breivik casually laid his rifle against a tree and sarcastically told them to make up their minds, kneeling or lying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh, god. But then he said that he arrived and he looked like Jesus coming out of the woods where he used his hands to the side like this where he was like you have me now. Like the meme, the thing with the shrug meme.
MARCUS PARKS
I have no idea what you're talking about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shrug meme.
ED LARSON
It's a face with two hands like this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the shrug meme.
ED LARSON
Yeah. People send it to you and you want to punch them in the face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's what he did.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Now how come they didn't just fucking light his ass up?
MARCUS PARKS
That's not what they do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's not what they do. Because truly they say a life is life to us.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We treat you like everybody else. Which is we don't believe in killing anybody for any reason.
MARCUS PARKS
Every single person is treated exactly the same.
ED LARSON
If he would have shot at them, would they have lit his ass up?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe. Probably.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they definitely would, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he didn't want to. He didn't wanna be shot that way. He wanted to have his moment in front of the cameras.
MARCUS PARKS
But as one officer pushed Breivik to the ground, Anders began babbling, saying that this was a politically motivated shooting because the country was being invaded by foreigners. He added that this was the start of hell, that it was gonna get worse, and that a so-called third cell had still not been activated. But when they asked him if there was anyone else on the island besides Breivik, he finally told the truth. In both the island and in his life, there was only him. Meanwhile the full extent of the carnage on Utøya Island was being seen by outside eyes for the first time. The buildings were full of the dead and dying, the shore was covered in bodies, rocks were stained red, and clothes covered in blood and shoes that had slipped off when kids ran in terror were strewn everywhere. They said that was one of the weirdest things was that there were shoes all over the place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God.
MARCUS PARKS
Some of the survivors were in total shock, some were apathetic to their rescue, and others remain terrified that anyone who approached them, especially authority figures, might try to kill them.
ED LARSON
I'd probably follow that apathetic like thanks for nothing, fucker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Good work, guys. Good hustle.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They said that they would refuse to move and they would just have to like kind of carry them out.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, they're all comatose with shock.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But as emergency crews transported the injured off the island and the dead were counted, Breivik was taken to a building that had been turned into a temporary headquarters for the police. There, during a long interview, Breivik spewed bullshit for hours on end.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd like to tell our audience to go ahead, if you are interested about the brain of a... Because like the one thing that Anders Breivik with his constant blabbing does for us is a view into this sad, lonely head of his.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The sad, lonely head of a narcissist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you read his interrogation, there's chunks of it in 'One of Us' and there's also like you can find his interrogation. Reading through it really illustrates just how paper thin a human being Anders Breivik really was. There's just nothing there, he's just some bored shitty online troll.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now kind of surprised at his own actions.
ED LARSON
Was he like saying a lot of stuff that was in the manifesto?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Absolutely. Yeah. Well rattling, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well after being told specifically that he didn't need to explain himself, they didn't fucking care-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're like shut up. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He insisted, saying that he had sacrificed himself for his cause and he was prepared to suffer and be tortured for the rest of his life. He actually requested waterboard me, do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Waterboard me.
MARCUS PARKS
And this statement may go a long way towards explaining why Breivik to this day complains about his cushy life in prison. Because if there's anything extremists of all stripes share, it's a fucking persecution complex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he wants to be treated like a supervillain. And the one satisfaction the Norwegian justice system gives me is the boredom with which they also react to Anders Breivik. I find that also like appropriate. Where his boredom is angering but you can kind of see if you put him in an American cop, like you could see the guys like beating him or being like you sick fuck! Or like that kind of thing. Where like no, it's just one bored man expecting all of this like vitriol, like he's expecting to get beat in their cell and like them all calling him trash.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Meanwhile they're just as bored with him as he is with what he did. Like it's this weird like whatever, you're just another one of these criminals that we deal with every day. Essentially.
MARCUS PARKS
Speaking further, Breivik made it seem as if he was a small part of a massive organization that was geared up to carry out similar attacks all over Europe. He claimed that this organization, the Knights Templar Europe, had been set up in London in 2002 and had since gained delegates in 12 countries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) And you should meet my crazy girlfriend. She's so hot and amazing. She's just so good. She's in it too and she loves white people as much as I do.
ED LARSON
But she's in Canada right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (Nordic accent) Don't call her. She's so busy.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik then went on to try and explain his convoluted Eurabia theory but stopped himself, saying that if the cops really wanted to know what he was all about, they would have to read his 1500 page manifesto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Getting right on it.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after going on about Muslim-
ED LARSON
That's how you sell copies.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what you do, that's grassroots.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after going on about Muslims for a bit, Breivik noticed that one of his fingers was bleeding, which was most likely from a cut that was sustained when a skull fragment flew towards him after he shot someone in the face at close range.
ED LARSON
Was he covered in blood?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
That was the weird thing about it. Like why wasn't he covered in blood? He should have been.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's because he was far away.
MARCUS PARKS
Because he was shooting people, no, he was shooting people very close range.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It seemed as if they were like... From what I've seen, because you see all the pictures, like he was covered in gear.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So maybe by the time they got all the stuff off him you couldn't see it but he wasn't because also he never used his precious bayonet that he was talking about.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah he did shoot people but I do believe a lot of it... Maybe it's like this, again our gun nerds will very happily correct us, sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. Again, I respect you. But then the idea of like I think it blows out. So we think a lot of times if you shoot somebody from close range, it's not like exploding up at you, it's exploding out the back where the exit wound is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Probably. But if you're shooting someone at very close range, maybe the skull just explodes. I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it did explode. But then maybe it's not as much juice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, maybe.
ED LARSON
I've never done it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's the thing is that I don't know, you're talking about-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's go shoot a bunch of watermelons outside. Come on, let's have fun.
MARCUS PARKS
You're talking about like our gun nerds out there, it's like you guys know about shooting people in the head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't worry.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not talking to our gun nerds, that's talking to the murderers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They never fail to know every single thing, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
That is true. Well Breivik immediately began freaking out when he noticed that he was bleeding. He said that he'd already lost half a liter of blood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Oh! I can feel it coming!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he also said he had had too many energy drinks and that if he didn't get a drink he was gonna die of dehydration.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So they gave him a soda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But in the end, the cut itself was less than a quarter of an inch long and was easily bandaged. This was the only injury Anders Breivik would sustain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is also this, he's negotiating, he's trying to get them to like... He's like I'll give you the information that you seek but there's things that I'm going to need.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He's saying like (Nordic accent) I need a computer with Microsoft Word installed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I need it now and I need Wikipedia.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he got his Coke, he got a cigarette though. He did get a cigarette and he got his Pepsis.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Goddamnit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Well that was the one thing, they kept giving him the stuff. And after a while it's just like please let one American homicide detective in. Just let one in there.
ED LARSON
Yeah. There isn't one mustache in the crew?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just hit his head against the table just one time. You know what I mean?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just somebody in there like peepee in his coke, like the old affirmation.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Just poison him, anything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Something!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well steering Breivik back to the practical, the police asked him if there were any explosives back at his mother's duplex. In all seriousness-
ED LARSON
Just her vagina.
MARCUS PARKS
In all seriousness, Breivik said quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "No but there's a PC in the fart room."
MARCUS PARKS
He told the cops there was a PC, he actually used the term fart room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Anything of interest in his mother's duplex was in the fart room, he said, while the rest could be found at his farm. Finally Breivik said that while he was proud of his operation, the killing itself was absolutely awful. Later adding that, quote, "It sucks to take a human life." Now in this I actually believe him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll talk about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well I don't think he ever really expected to make it to Utøya Island, nor did he really want to. In fact he flat out said that if he had a choice, quote unquote "had a choice", he would have skipped Utøya. But once he was there, I think he convinced himself that he didn't have a choice, that is if he wanted to keep believing his own bullshit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that this is the example of this sort of runaway narcissism that takes it to like a clinical place where I think he felt nothing. When he's saying it sucks to take a human life-
MARCUS PARKS
I think he didn't like it. But that's the thing is that he didn't like it like I don't like doing the dishes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And it was a shallow affectation about what he just did.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he does it time and time again. What makes him, I think that people throw the term narcissist around but I think part of the reason why I use it specifically with Anders Breivik is because he shapeshifts depending on who he's talking to. So I think there is a little bit of the 'it sucks to take a human life', he's saying that to these police officers because there's a little bit of him that's trying to ingratiate himself with the police officers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's trying to make them think oh, he's just this political kind of figure. Like he kept saying like I wish I didn't have to do this, they're all forcing me to do this. This is all like everyone's making me do this because I have to do this horrible... He said there's a difference between brutality and tyranny. And he was like sometimes you have to do something brutal to get people to pay attention to your cause. But as you'll see, he didn't actually care.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He didn't actually care.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean he'd talk about how awful it was to take a life, he'd talk about how he felt for the parents, he'd talk about how scared the kids were. And then he'd openly yawn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The next thing out of his mouth would be a yawn and he'd ask how much longer the interview was gonna be because he was all tuckered out from his big day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they were really trying to get out of him like are there other terrorist cells?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like is this going to be a massive strike of terrorism across the entire city?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's why they're like yeah, you can have a fucking computer with Word, who gives a shit? Tell me...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well they did the Norwegian thing which is nice because they passive-aggressive... They're like (Nordic accent) we will look at the circumstances of your arrest. Like they do with everybody and decide all of these things you can get. And so it had to go through the full red tape of a left wing government. Which in that way is nice because then it took like eight weeks and then they were like unfortunately no, you cannot have a PC with the Wikipedia on it.
MARCUS PARKS
And once the forensic team showed up, Breivik told them that he didn't want to have his photo taken because as per his own instructions in his manifesto, a terrorist needed to control his own image. Instead Breivik tried convincing them to use one of the photos he'd posted online, either the one where he was pretending to be a Freemason or the one where he cosplayed as a member of the Knights Templar.
ED LARSON
Was he able to run that past his press agent?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so hard, these publicists, it's so hard to get them to pick up the phone. But I guess this is a big moment for him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is his Grammys.
MARCUS PARKS
They of course refused and took a picture of him looking tired in an armchair.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is good. Again, they're doing little bits. They're getting their little more subtle shots.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well they're waiting until the trial for the big one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Next they told him to undress, he refused twice but suddenly leapt up and started tearing his clothes off. They stopped him and got him to slow down because they need it for forensics. But once he was down to his underwear, he started jokingly doing bodybuilding poses for the camera and everyone in the room just stared at him until he nervously laughed and acted normal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See again, that's where that true powerful European disdain comes in.
MARCUS PARKS
The Norwegian stone face.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so much more powerful maybe in a way. Because again, we would just beat the fucking shit out of him. We'd stick a broomstick up his ass.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then they're just like, that withering... I remember the look.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was just in Germany, when we were doing our show in Berlin. In the end I remember just being like so where should we go out after the show? It's like 11:30. And they were like (German accent) we have you on the list for the hottest club in Berlin. And we're like oh great, we'll go hop in right now, we'll grab a drink and go to sleep. And they're like, that look, I'll never forget the look on the promoter's face when he was like (German accent) one does not go to the club until 1:30-2:00 am. Like that look.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I will never recoup from that look. That was very rough. So I can imagine a group of men-
MARCUS PARKS
We were like do you know a place where we can just get a beer? Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just need to get this, I'm tired.
ED LARSON
Man, have you ever had to undress in front of the police?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, thank god, no.
ED LARSON
Oh man. Well I've been to jail. And I remember the first time I went to jail and I had to undress in front of the police. They made me undress.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you show them your butthole?
ED LARSON
I had to show them, they had me-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lucky cops.
ED LARSON
The cops were like all right, I'm completely naked and they're like all right, now turn around and bend over and talk. And I was like what? And so I was just like hey, what's going on? How are you doing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, hi, how about some Binaca? Yeah.
ED LARSON
The cops' like cough, I said cough. Not talk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So my name's Ed Larson, there's a lot of guys that say I look like one of the guys from Duck Dynasty. But I say more like Schmuck Dynasty.
MARCUS PARKS
Well meanwhile police had found Breivik's mother Wenche and had hauled her into headquarters for an interrogation all her own. As the interview went on-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This fucking bitch.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. As the interview went on and the scope of what her son had done dawned on her, she naturally made it all about herself. Incredibly, she said that this was almost worse than her son being a homosexual.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Think about this. Think about the fact that she said this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like that's wild to me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It explains a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it really does. I mean that may give you some insight as to why if Breivik was in fact gay, he never even entertained the idea of coming out. Because at this point she thought that he had killed only 10 people, not 69. But even then like 10 people, she's like (Nordic accent) this is only than having a child who's a homosexual.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is wild.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
She was just upset she hadn't had the chance to give him herpes yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Well not for lack of trying.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they were super close. That was the only person he ever kissed, I'm certain.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, his mother?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he had that one-
ED LARSON
That politician lady.
MARCUS PARKS
The politician lady.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I still don't think they ever kissed.
MARCUS PARKS
I think they kissed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The way she talks about it...
ED LARSON
Do you think they butt scissored?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (Nordic accent) Oh, how I knew we would spend our lives.
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) You can fart in my mouth and I fart in your fart and we-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) We fart in your, put your fart in my fart.
MARCUS PARKS
Well finally Wenche found a way to make the deaths of all these people all about herself, saying a refrain that she would repeat over and over again in the coming years. Sobbing, she would say:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "I'm the unhappiest mother in Norway."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
At least his father was like I wish he'd killed himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, his father had checked out.
MARCUS PARKS
Now when it came time for Breivik's pretrial hearing, he demanded that he be allowed to wear his Knights Templar costume.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) It is not a costume! It is a uniform!
MARCUS PARKS
This request was roundly rejected. They're like are you a fucking idiot? No. He was also disappointed that there were only seven people present at the hearing because phase three of his plan was entirely dependent on a media circus. But on this day there were only court officials, lawyers, and Breivik himself present when he was charged. Now when it comes to punitive measures in Norway, there is a wild misconception when it comes to their sentencing. Famously, Norway has a maximum penalty of 21 years in prison for any crime, including murder. But what people often ignore or just don't know about is that those 21 years can be extended indefinitely every five years for another five years if the convicted prisoner still represents a danger to society.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean it's a massive pain in the ass that every five years we're gonna have to hear from Anders Breivik. But that's how their system works.
MARCUS PARKS
We still got eight years to go before that starts happening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh we've already heard from him twice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was in 2022, he had another thing. Because technically he got a parole hearing at 11 years, he gets to go. Because you have to serve 11 years.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he sued for it, yeah.
ED LARSON
We had to hear from Manson all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Manson was fun! Manson's a funny guy!
MARCUS PARKS
Did we have to or did we get to?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we got to, man.
ED LARSON
Yeah, where's Anders Breivik's album?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, exactly. At least Charles Manson had a skill.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was a beautiful voice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But when it came to Anders Breivik, he was almost sent to a hospital for the rest of his life instead of a prison. The only person who stopped that from happening was Anders Breivik. See pretrial, several forensic psychiatrists examined Breivik to see if he was responsible for his own actions or if he was legally insane when he did what he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They wanted him to be insane.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Interestingly though during those interviews, Breivik was treated as if he was the most dangerous man in the world, what he always wanted. For the first 11 sessions, the psychiatrist refused to be left alone in a room with him. So he was placed in a corner with his arm shackled to his belt behind three tables while two guards looked on. On the 12th session, they locked Breivik in a plexiglas cube like he was fucking Magneto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he was getting off on all this. And he was like interrogating the psychologist.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like trying to ask them if they were Marxists, if they believed in multiculturalism. And they all just kind of, the withering looks of a bunch of people being like (Nordic accent) so why would that be important to you?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because like that's all they would do, like not giving them jack shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Turn it back on him.
ED LARSON
Now if you do something like this, aren't you crazy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
No?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Crazy legally, from what my limited understanding, but it's mostly like you in that moment don't understand that what you're doing is wrong or like that you are so mentally ill-
ED LARSON
Well he didn't, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Yes, he did.
MARCUS PARKS
He understood completely. Yeah, because he told the cops in the interrogation like it really sucks to take a human life. I wish I didn't have to do that. I feel bad for the parents. He knew exactly, he knew that what he was doing was wrong completely. He just thought it was justified.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's a shithead who fancies himself a terrorist. He's a missionary style killer. So he had a plan, like he had a whole thing that he was like trying to execute. The murders were something else. They weren't like, it's not like with a "regular" quote unquote serial killer where it's sexually motivated or power motivated or one of these other type of things, like it didn't come from inside. He believed, which I still take it back because I will never give him... He likes being a terrorist. He wants to be called the terrorist. I will still call him a mass killer. But he knew what he was doing was bad. So he's not crazy.
ED LARSON
But what is his mental condition then?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
An asshole. He's a fucking asshole.
ED LARSON
But lots of people are assholes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's clinically an asshole.
MARCUS PARKS
A narcissist. He has narcissistic personality disorder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got something.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's just not-
MARCUS PARKS
That's what he was diagnosed with was narcissistic personality disorder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's not too crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
And in the extreme.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But as the psychiatrist spoke with him more and more, they came to believe that he was possibly a paranoid schizophrenic, and with good reason. Breivik regularly used self-styled terms like national Darwinist, suicidal humanism, and suicidal Marxist, which the doctors judged to be a part of a psychosis. And when I say with good reason, I mean that he showed all the markers of being a paranoid schizophrenic without actually being a paranoid schizophrenic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he showed up acting as if he was the leader of a gigantic movement, this huge terrorist organization with thousands of members and sleeper cells and that he was a sleeper cell and all this kind of shit. And also like this was all gonna happen in the year 2040, Muslims were gonna take over Europe. And saying all of this stuff which is like it's interesting because that's the core beliefs of these right wing groups but it's him just expressing them. They were all like oh this guy's fucking nuts. Meanwhile no, this is what a lot of people fully believe is happening.
ED LARSON
Now what is a Darwinist? Is that like someone who dresses like a turtle?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The idea that only the strong can survive and this idea that there's social darwinism, which is a term that comes up a lot, again, it's a Nazi thought. And suicidal humanism. This is one of the dangers of his manifesto and what happened after the fact, like even I saying left wing fascism is a small little blip of this mistake type thing that allow you to talk about it. But suicidal humanism I looked up, I looked at all these terms to see where else they popped up. And the only other place that they popped up was this thing called the Chalcedon Foundation, which is what's called an American Christian Reconstructionist organization, which is all about how gay people should be executed, how unruly children should be executed, how they want to bring everything.... And talk about Sharia Law.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like it's exactly Sharia law but it's Christian Sharia law.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like women are second, women should not vote, they should only be childbearing entities.
MARCUS PARKS
That fun term of Y'all Qaeda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Y'all Qaeda.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Additionally, Breivik talked at length about a massive secret organization made up of Knights Templar cells, thousands of them who were all ready to strike at any moment. Now at this point police had surmised that Breivik had acted alone, that no such network existed. Therefore this organization was thought to be a schizophrenic fantasy. But what psychiatrists didn't take into account was that while the Knights Templar claim was a fantasy, it was more a wish than a belief, and his made up terminology was simply the creation of a narcissist who believed that he was so smart that he could see the world in a way that no one else could.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The psychiatrist in the end said that she believed that he was the loneliest man she's ever met.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That was like the thing that she mostly diagnosed him with, which is like this almost homicidal loneliness.
MARCUS PARKS
But when Breivik realized that he could be declared insane and therefore his manifesto would be sullied, he insisted that he be held accountable for his actions. This was in spite of the fact that he already knew that the vast majority of people thought that he along with his uniforms, awards, decorations, and titles were fucking ridiculous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everybody was roasting him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. During his next round of interviews with psychiatrists, he toned down his rhetoric considerably, calling him a foot soldier instead of a messiah, claiming that everything he'd said before was just an act, a role that he felt he was expected to play. Therefore Anders Breivik was judged to be a narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, and he was very much liable for his crimes then. In this, Anders Breivik played a similar game as his left wing mirror image, mail bomber Ted Kaczynski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We realize they're kind of close.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They are the mirror image of each other.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
ED LARSON
Living in the middle of nowhere, like no friends.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well just the idea that they're smarter than everybody else and they're gonna put their pain on everybody else because they don't get them and shit.
ED LARSON
Well wasn't Ted Kaczynski actually smart?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, Ted Kaczynski was brilliant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was a genius.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then MK Ultra kind of fucked up his brain.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And Anders Breivik, he wasn't actually smart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he's an asshole, again.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he was an asshole and an idiot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So yeah.
ED LARSON
So he's worse than him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Go America! Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
But when Kaczynski's lawyers told him that his only possible defense was to plead not guilty by reason of insanity, Kaczynski refused and took the maximum punishment so he could maintain the integrity of his manifesto, 'Industrial Society and its Future'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there's a lot of people that rag on him for his spelling errors inside of his manifesto. But I also wanna say you guys are ragging us for mispronunciations and you're kind of missing the point. This is the problem here, right, is that you're missing the point of the manifesto.
MARCUS PARKS
You're not seeing the forest for the trees.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Read it again.
ED LARSON
So you're comparing yourself to Anders Breivik?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! Ted Kaczynski.
MARCUS PARKS
He's comparing himself to Ted Kaczynski.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
But while Kaczynski was quickly tucked away in Colorado's Supermax prison, never to be heard from again-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We did a good job on that one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Just fucking-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Put him in a box.
MARCUS PARKS
Put him there with Timothy McVeigh and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let them all enjoy each other's company. What a fun lunch that must be.
MARCUS PARKS
Anders Breivik got a full trial in which he was given a platform to espouse his extremist right wing agenda.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or he thought he was gonna get a chance to do it.
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly. What Breivik didn't expect though was that the trial was not broadcast and not a single person in the room took him seriously. In fact most everyone was visibly bored and highly impatient any time he went off on a tedious rant, which was often.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the coolest. Again, that's where they rock.
ED LARSON
(snoring)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a room of graphic designers. Because like they all have the clear glasses, like Norway, everybody is very fashionable and cool. And like them all just arms crossed, just like ugh, (Nordic accent) tell me when he's over.
MARCUS PARKS
Just so many (sighs).
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(sighs) But you see the judge side, the judge was like (Nordic accent) let's go, go ahead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. If anything, Breivik's own actions during his trial was what helped defang him because he showed everyone just how small he really was. Now the prosecution maintained that Breivik was a madman who had lost it five years earlier after he quit the Progress Party, shut down his diploma mill, lost all his money, moved back in with his mother, and disappeared into World of Warcraft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Didn't help.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope. They also showed his quote unquote "film" which I will now reveal why I say quote unquote "film" because it was a fucking slideshow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It wasn't a movie, it was a slideshow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's hard, man. Editing is hard.
ED LARSON
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
It was 99 images. It was like Soviet troops taking Berlin, you're like this is the beginning of cultural Marxism. It's photoshopped images of Muslim women pregnant with grenades.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's impossible. That can't happen.
MARCUS PARKS
Pictures of refugees entering Europe, so on and so forth. And as a soundtrack Breivik used church music, European electronica, and the soundtrack from the PC game Age of Conan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He used the soundtrack from a PC game.
MARCUS PARKS
While everyone else in the court was just sort of puzzled over this glorified 2011 YouTube dump, Breivik openly wept as his quote unquote "film" was shown in open court.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(crying)
MARCUS PARKS
And this really made me rethink like 2010-2012 YouTube.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Because we used to show-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love those slideshows. We used to show those all the time.
MARCUS PARKS
At our old, old live shows that we used to do back in Queens where we would just show videos. Every month we had a new fucking piece of bullshit that was just like this. And it never occurred to me that the people who posted them were taking it deadly seriously.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I never thought of it.
MARCUS PARKS
And they thought it was the best thing that anyone had ever produced.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That it meant a lot to them.
MARCUS PARKS
It meant so much.
ED LARSON
What are you gonna do? They don't know art. That's why you need the leftists.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why you must have leftists.
MARCUS PARKS
You have to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're making all the stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
As far as what Breivik's defense was, he claimed self-defense against the threat of multiculturalism and Islam, and presented his manifesto as the evidence that justified his actions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he wrote this odd ending statement.
MARCUS PARKS
He never expected to get off. He just wanted to use this as a platform.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
At one point he took to the witness stand and brought along a lengthy written statement which he read in a fast, somewhat high pitched monotone. Breivik hoped for applause throughout but instead got sighs, shrugs, and yawns.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is where the deep loneliness really comes in because there was this kind of thought in his head, this is where he's delusional and bad at everything, where he thought that he was going to read this out and everyone's gonna be like oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, never thought of it that way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I never thought about it that way. Anders, you're fucking incredible. And it's nah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They are just like, again, no outrage either.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not people like damn you! But I think he also thought he was gonna get, I think he would have accepted that also gladly.
ED LARSON
Do you think he thought it was gonna be televised or something?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he did. He thought it was gonna be televised.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He thought the whole world was coming to a screaming halt for Anders Breivik. And then everyone, he's finally gonna, the revulsion and the celebration all at once and he'd be at his... Like I think in his head, he's like they're gonna put me at a podium and I'm gonna sieg heil and everyone's gonna be like yeah, finally we get to do it too! And the thing is that you could do it at any time. You shouldn't. Like it's difficult to do it.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And it's weird because it's like he thinks it's like a thing of honor but he's there sieg heiling and it's like all right, go back to your fucking hole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is what they did.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. And Breivik bulldozed through that written statement even after the judge told him hey, we said we'd give you 30 minutes, it's 30 minutes up. And the judge asked him like are you done yet? And Breivik pathetically said (Nordic accent) I'm only on page 6 of 13.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She should have cut him off though. And that's the one thing like just fucking cut him the fuck off.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they said that it would be good for people to hear how much of a moron he is essentially.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They could have just taken it out of his hands and fucking pissed on it in front of him. It would have been very good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't do it in public spaces in Norway. They are very clean.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And on and on Breivik went, reading faster and faster just so he could get to the end, all while stopping to complain that he'd already condensed it down to 13 pages from 20. I don't know what you want from me, I'm already condensing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We gotta get this Microsoft Word away from him.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Single spaced, double spaced?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean it is single spaced.
MARCUS PARKS
I would imagine. Finally Breivik finished and predictably the first public reading of his ideals had been met with nothing more than utter boredom. Now that's not to say that Anders Breivik's manifesto isn't dangerous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is, it is still.
MARCUS PARKS
It's highly dangerous. He got enough fan mail where he complained that he wasn't given enough stamps to reply to everyone. And as we've mentioned twice already, the Christchurch shooter was inspired by the manifesto Breivik had shat out. We can talk all the shit we want about him but these ideas are fucking extremely dangerous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you look up the stupid little terms he uses, you could see how it proliferates amongst a bunch of other like hate groups.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they use it as new ways to talk and they look up to him. This is the thing about little people, like little shitheads that are looking up to him. It's very interesting because what we all make fun of him for and kind of attack him for, they view as a badge of honor. They are accepting this ridicule because they have this belief that all pioneers, all prophets are ridiculed as they're rolled out, which is sometimes true. But I think people need to understand that life is an arc.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? You gotta think about like at the end of your life, they'll look upon your life and see oh, he wasn't a little person, he did all this, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile in this moment you could see like it doesn't do anything. There is no end to this arc.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does not go, it is not working. Like the thing you do is not gonna work. But they look up to him as if he's like I'm a shithead with no talent, I could get on TV too.
ED LARSON
Yeah. But like if you send him fan mail, aren't you then just like watched forever?
MARCUS PARKS
There were people that, there was one guy in particular that was proliferating all, like during the trial, like getting all of his shit out there, like facilitating fan mail, doing all this shit. And they found out it was just some dumpy fuck in South Carolina.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then we got a Dylann Roof.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Breivik's heroes however did not stand behind him. Fjordman himself-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik's favorite author was called to testify. Predictably he was found to be a short, ugly little fella in his 30s.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Short is not the problem. Okay? A good short man is more powerful than a good tall man.
ED LARSON
I don't think that's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is true.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think that's true in any way whatsoever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A good short man is better than a tall good man.
ED LARSON
Is it?
MARCUS PARKS
Just saying it doesn't make it real.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I live it.
ED LARSON
But aren't short good men still looked down on?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Only physically! Allegorically, I know what you're saying! And it's not a good roast!
MARCUS PARKS
Well Fjordman roundly rejected Breivik as insane and said that he'd done a disservice to the anti-Islam movement by sullying it with blood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I'm sick of all of my hate being fiddled with this murder. Can't we just hate?
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik was further humiliated when the only part of his trial that was actually televised was his psychiatric review. It painted him as, from my point of view, a clinical little bitch-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Who was unable to tolerate frustration, experience guilt, or maintain relationships. Breivik proved their point by having emotional outbursts multiple times on live TV because he wasn't allowed to respond in real time.
ED LARSON
(wailing)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that is literally what he did.
ED LARSON
(wailing)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally, that is, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The psychiatrist continued by saying that Breivik was a quote "lonely, deeply lonely person who desperately wanted a community."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But when he didn't find one even amongst extremists like Fjordman, he created a fictional society with himself at the center.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he couldn't be a part of a community in which he wasn't the leader and king of that little world. Like it could never be... He was a toy acting like a king. He should have just like... You gotta be amongst us, bro.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after the testimony the cameras were turned off and Breivik was allowed to respond. He said that he'd never been lonely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not once!
MARCUS PARKS
He's got a lot of friends.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) You'd be surprised. I tried to throw a birthday party and not everybody could fit into a restaurant!
MARCUS PARKS
And he'd definitely been out on a whole bunch of dates.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I'm always dating everywhere I go! I know every happy hour and I know how to dance cha-cha with all the different, every lady, big buxom, big heavy breasts. I love a lady and ooh I hate a penis. I hate a big, veiny, delicious penis. I am one of many!
ED LARSON
Fucking bitch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Everybody likes me, nobody hates me!
MARCUS PARKS
But after the farce that was Breivik's trial finally ended, he was sentenced to the maximum of 21 years in prison, which is gonna be extended by five years every time there's an opportunity to do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The only thing I'm concerned about is the fact that because they're so like forthright in that country, again, it's not like us where even if this was a rule, we'd be like yeah, sure, yeah. But like they seriously listen to him every five years, every five years he's gonna roll out-
MARCUS PARKS
They treat everybody the same. I respect that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I understand.
MARCUS PARKS
I absolutely respect that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I get it, I get it, I get it.
MARCUS PARKS
Every single person.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they believe in rehabilitation. But if he just gets better at lying, it's gonna be bad.
MARCUS PARKS
They're not gonna ever let him out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't want them to.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
I really wish someone would knock the shit out of him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's in isolation, he can't go anywhere.
ED LARSON
He's gonna go his whole life without ever getting the shit kicked out of him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do believe if he gets out of jail he's not gonna last long. But who knows?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think he'll ever get out of jail.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But no, I don't think he's ever been beaten. Maybe he was probably beaten up as a kid a few times.
ED LARSON
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as of today Breivik is 12 years in but he certainly made a lot of noise since being put away. In fact one might say that he's almost more well known today for complaining about his living conditions than for his political beliefs. Even though he basically lives in a nice one bedroom apartment with a dishwasher, microwave, washing machine, flat screen TV, and access to a basketball court and workout equipment, he still paints himself as a tortured victim.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got a better apartment than a lot of comedians.
ED LARSON
He should have to wash his own dishes. At the very least.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They actually did that for a while. There was a period of time where he was trying to get like these various favors but he was so used to his mother cleaning for him and doing everything that he literally would like leave all these messes and they would be like Anders, you're not going to get fucking I don't know what it is, like boo boo time, whatever they called it for when he gets to go to the basketball court. Like you can't go to recess unless you do this. And then he would like pout and shit and finally he started cleaning his room for the first time.
ED LARSON
So is he in total isolation?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He's in complete and total isolation.
ED LARSON
So he doesn't talk to anybody?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got two guys.
ED LARSON
Two guards.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's two guys he sees. There's other two isolated prisoner guys that he can kind of see.
MARCUS PARKS
Well most famously, he complained that he was unhappy with his Playstation 2. Instead he wanted a Playstation 3 because it offered in his opinion more suitable adult games.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm sick of Sonic.
MARCUS PARKS
Actually it was Rayman. He's like (Nordic accent) Rayman origins is a game for three year olds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) It's for three year olds. I'm an adult. And I will be treated as such! I want to get Monopoly.
MARCUS PARKS
He also at one point threatened to starve himself unless he was given access to a sofa and a bigger gym.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go ahead.
MARCUS PARKS
So they give him a leather sofa.
ED LARSON
A leather sofa?!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which honestly is the worst of all the sofas.
MARCUS PARKS
I hate leather sofas.
ED LARSON
It's an opinion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's hot in the summer and it's cold in the winter.
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And your legs stick to it.
ED LARSON
I don't like it either but I've had nice times.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just think it's a punishment in and of itself.
MARCUS PARKS
See just like his rambling-
ED LARSON
A futon is punishment.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would believe.
MARCUS PARKS
See just like his rambling manifesto, Breivik's complaints go on and on and will likely do so until he finally dies in prison. Likewise, his manifesto itself is receding into history. Like every other person who uses murder to get their point across, Breivik's legacy will not be his ideas. Instead he will be remembered not as a brave member of the Knights Templar who kicked off a revolution but rather as a murderous fool. His only remaining role in this world is appropriately to complain about the supposedly cruel conditions in Norwegian prison, which is in all reality the nicest prison system in the entire world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? A revolution I wish that he had concentrated on more, Dance Dance Revolution.
MARCUS PARKS
Dance Dance Revolution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that would have done a lot more.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we've been watching a lot of Rupaul's Drag Race together.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we really are. I'm on Season 6 right now, I'm loving it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I'm really enjoying it. And I think that-
MARCUS PARKS
Jinkx Monsoon, love ya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I truly believe that if he just lets some bass in his walk, he would have done a lot better.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he had learned to serve vs kill.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah. I mean he is pretty good at a read.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I want you to say, honestly guys out there, if you're writing a manifesto right now and if you want to go out there and kill, I would say obviously don't do that. You better work.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? And I need you to take that energy and put it out on the dance floor.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And up the font size.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Up the font size. Honestly that manifesto was a nightmare to read.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very small font.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Actually I take it back, he couldn't read at all. He was terrible at the read.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, he can't do, no. He's not a funny man.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's not funny, he's not charismatic. He's not even a good terrorist.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's just a shithead that killed a lot of very easy people and is extremely sad that he did so.
MARCUS PARKS
Low fish game.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. He was low fish game. Definitely not serving cunt. Which is interesting because you think it'd be bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But it's good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's good though, that's what we learned. All right, go to patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft if you want to see us do this, because it is there visually. You can also see the Patreon feed, you get Last Stream on the Left live and you can comment and be a part of all the shenanigans and we do that on Tuesdays. Go check it out and go see the stupid TikTok @lpontheleft.
MARCUS PARKS
You can see it on the TikTok and Instagram @lpontheleft.
ED LARSON
I don't know what it does.
MARCUS PARKS
The TikTok?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
People like it.
MARCUS PARKS
It's where Jesus is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's not. Jesus is nowhere on there except for it's just China.
ED LARSON
Hold on. Jesus isn't Chinese? All these years?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was hoping. Then go to twitch.tv/lpntv, we've got some really good stuff coming out this week. Tiers of a Clown was really fun this week with Carolina, she's great.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, Carolina came on and talked about 80s sitcoms this week.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. She did really great. Some Place Under Neith, we got Brighter Side.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Gud Pud's gonna come back because we intrepid technical director, Eric. I want you to wish him luck because he's gonna be a daddy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he's gotta go on paternity leave which is intense.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. And also this Monday we're gonna have our monthly No Dogs in Space livestream. So this Monday. Oh yeah, it's it's leap day today.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah!
ED LARSON
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
It's leap day. So the way I'm thinking about things, the dates are all fucked up. I gotta look it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everything is wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, this March 4th at 6 pm PST, 9 pm EST we're gonna be doing No Dogs in Space live, gonna be showing some videos, gonna be doing a good vinyl haul.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
I might do a Mort Garson vinyl haul but I haven't quite decided yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't spoil these people.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I was gonna say on Wednesday at 5 pm PST is gonna be the Brighter Side with Amber and I, so come on, show up, bring us your problems, we'll give you the positives to your problems. And then following after that, we're gonna stay on every other Wednesday but we're moving back an hour.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, great. I love it. And then Some Place Under Neith, it's gonna be every Wednesday too.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it's gonna be really fun. There was one other thing I wanted to bring up, coming, coming, coming...
MARCUS PARKS
LPN Deep Dives Dune?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
LPN Deep Dives Dune, go check it out. It is on its own feed now. I am going to be doing, with my intrepid human wife, Holden McNeely, we are going to be doing a review of Dune II, I'm seeing an again for the second time tonight. I cannot wait.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is very good.
MARCUS PARKS
It's real fucking good.
ED LARSON
Are you and Holden just doing one episode? Are you gonna do multiple?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, we'll do one?
ED LARSON
Just one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll help.
ED LARSON
Okay. Good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll help everyone. I don't know.
ED LARSON
You people need that because I'm sure you won't understand it otherwise.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh and also, so next week we're coming back, Last Podcast on the Left is doing one of the fan favorite things that we've done the last couple of years. I'm really excited to do it for you guys. And then we've got another super long series coming right after that, we fucking got a lot of work. I'm excited for 2024. We got a lot of good subjects this year.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'll give you a little hint for next week. Brackets.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Brackets.
ED LARSON
Brackets?
MARCUS PARKS
Brackets.
ED LARSON
March Madness?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't do it!
ED LARSON
The March Madness killer?!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't you do it!
ED LARSON
Florida Atlantic University.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. All right everybody, see you next week. Hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail Norway.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
I like Norway.
ED LARSON
They're great!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've never been, I've never been. I'd love to go.
ED LARSON
They seem like wonderful people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stockholm was wonderful when I went. But I think they're very different. And I can't say that, I feel like that's bad, you can't say that. It's not the same.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not the same. I've never been to Norway but-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want to go to Norway.
MARCUS PARKS
You know I love my Iceland.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, it's not Scandinavia.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not. Well no, it's culturally Scandinavian. It's not-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But some people say that that means nothing.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean there's differing opinions on everything.
ED LARSON
If you keep this up I'm gonna IKEA your cars.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! And again, that came from the grease counselor. The grease counselor!
ED LARSON
The grease counselor. Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yum, yum, yum.
ED LARSON
Hold on, did I have any jokes I didn't say? Let's see here. Nah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, let's get out of here. Bye, fuckers!