HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(sports announcer voice) Hello ladies and gentlemen! And welcome to the Mayhem Arena. Today it's a beautiful sunny afternoon in Los Angeles, California and we are here with the titans of debauchery, the evil ones themselves, it's fictional and nonfictional villains vs each other in a March Madness style bracket-like competition. Can you even handle the excitement, Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
(sports announcer voice) I don't make that today I can really handle any more excitement. I think if I had any more excitement in my bladder, I don't know if I would be able to hold it without wetting myself on live television, ladies and gentlemen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I gotta say thank you, Pampers Adults. This has been the entire broadcast, thank you, thank you, Pampers Adults.
ED LARSON
(sports announcer voice) Dipsy-doo poopoo-roo, folks. That's right. I'm pooping in my pants right now. I got my Depends and I am ready to shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(sports announcer voice) You know what I say? If I'm gonna shit in my pants, people ask me when, I say it Depends. Let's get into the March Madness!
MARCUS PARKS
Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen, that's what you're listening to. My name is Marcus Parks with Henry Zebrowski-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hi.
MARCUS PARKS
Who's on top of it, doing his best to pretend like he knows what sports are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey.
ED LARSON
That's right. And I'm Cock Vitel.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yaass. Oh yeah! That's a good boy-lesque name.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a great name. I know sports.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You know football, you've learned football this year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got into football.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like watching the basketball and I like some hockey. But we're keeping up a tradition here at Last Podcast on the Left. We thought it was really appropriate as a little stopping place between two large series to give you, honestly we're giving this to you because you asked for it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You're always asking for it. This is the third decennial Last Podcast on the Left March Madness of Murder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we have a series of guys, some fictional, some not, we're gonna pit them against each other to see who wins.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. This is a 16 seed bracket, we're gonna be starting off with imaginary vs real in each bracket and then of course whoever wins moves onto the next. And we are going to pick the bracket here, live on air.
ED LARSON
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Eddie, how are you feeling today?
ED LARSON
I feel hot, I feel sticky, and I'm ready to get icky, baby.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
All right. Our first imaginary villain is the Tall Man from Phantasm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Now I believe Tall Man, we might have brought him back but I'm happy to have him because I love the Tall Man. I love the Phantasm series, I think it is under sung and over wrought.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And he does, don't forget about that crazy little ball.
MARCUS PARKS
The crazy ball is a part of it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And also he's got incredible strength.
ED LARSON
Absolutely. And what about the little people that he keeps under his coat?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His crew.
ED LARSON
Yeah, those are his boys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's his employees.
MARCUS PARKS
We're definitely including crew in this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh very much so.
ED LARSON
Good, good.
MARCUS PARKS
And he's gonna be going up against, let's see here, which real character... Andrew Cunanan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
ED LARSON
Oh! Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
ED LARSON
Yes, that could be two shapeshifters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. So it's gonna be Tall Man and Cunanan in the first round. Next one up is the puppets from Puppet Master.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
ED LARSON
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we have, for those of you that are unaware, you got the drill man.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Got driller.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. What we have is we have Blade, Jester, Pinhead, Tunneler, Leech Woman, Shredder Khan. We got Gengie and of course my favorite, Six-Shooter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love it. I actually forgot about Leech Woman. Leech Woman's good too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Leech Woman is wonderful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Standing in it 1'7" tall and weighing a full 2 lbs. We are ready to go.
ED LARSON
I'm interested to see what Shredder Khan does.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see here. Next up we have Anton Chigurh from No Country for Old Men.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great villain.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got the thing, remember he's got the cattle thing that blows people's brains out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The executioner.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And he flips coin depending on whether or not he's going to show mercy or not. He makes a decision a little similar to Two-Face.
ED LARSON
Yes. And I will say I know we're not getting into the battle now but that cattle prod is gonna be hard to use against seven crazy little dolls.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We agree. I agree.
MARCUS PARKS
And don't forget, the dolls, also Nazis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that gives them, so they're methed up. They're fueled by hate.
ED LARSON
They might even align forces.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, the next matchup is gonna be the Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. Now I feel like a lot of people are getting Joker fatigue, we talked a little bit about this yesterday with Holden McNeely unfortunately. But I will say if you are going to choose, we haven't had him yet on the bracket.
MARCUS PARKS
We have not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I feel like the Joker of course, he's literally truly unpredictable.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is the Joker's superpower is his unpredictability field, that's why he can manage to punch Batman in the face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now did they do the unpredictability field, did they do that as just sort of like a thing to kind of quantify powers for him?
MARCUS PARKS
Well yeah because people kept on asking like how is it that the Joker, who's just a guy-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause he's the Joker!
MARCUS PARKS
And he's very skinny as well, he doesn't have a lot of muscle, he doesn't work out. Like how can he be a match for the Batman and everybody else over and over again? Unpredictability field.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And it seems like he can hypnotize. He always has a gang that he like influences and they will do anything for him.
ED LARSON
You know what that hypnotism is called? It's a living wage.
MARCUS PARKS
In Gotham City, that's hard to come by.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's not the Jared Leto Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No!
MARCUS PARKS
No. No, no, no.
ED LARSON
Are we doing Heath?
MARCUS PARKS
I think we're doing comic book Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, comic book Joker.
MARCUS PARKS
We're gonna do Alan Moore 'Killing Joke' Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Love 'Killing Joke' Joker.
ED LARSON
And anything Mark Hamill, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Mark Hamill Joker is also wonderful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So we're gonna go Alan Moore 'Killing Joke' Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because out of respect for Heath Ledger, I'm not gonna desecrate his memory by including him in this.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh and it's gonna be the Joker vs OJ Simpson.
ED LARSON
Oh my god! Yes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So top seed is back.
ED LARSON
Yes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
OJ Simpson looking for revenge as always. And I think, who knows? Is the Joker the real killer of Nicole Brown Simpson? We'll find out.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean OJ made it to the final four. It was OJ vs Candyman. Candyman came out on top.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So we're gonna see how far OJ gets this time.
ED LARSON
Also I want to say OJ, a little bit of a joker himself. Naked Gun, wonderful stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh you just mean a comedian.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Very funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very funny guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, very funny guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very, very funny.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. Next up we have-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very sick.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's very sick right now.
ED LARSON
It's a rumor, right? Or is it confirmed?
MARCUS PARKS
It's a rumor. Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's a rumor.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a rumor. But I don't know how much longer he's gonna be saying hello to Twitter world.
ED LARSON
I'm just surprised he goes to the doctor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's gonna be saying hello to the hell world when he wakes up in hell.
MARCUS PARKS
Next imaginary character we got, we're bringing back, this is another top seed, Pumpkinhead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Now Pumpkinhead was my favorite.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love Pumpkinhead. He's an unstoppable force, again for vengeance. But what does that do? Poison the person who wishes for vengeance. So remember that. Pumpkinhead is a really good example of that. Ask Lance Henriksen.
ED LARSON
And he's like 12 ft tall.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. He's got the reach. He's great. Yeah, he's like Kukoč size, right?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he can go out there and he's got the gumption and he's an unstoppable killing machine until his vengeance is completed.
ED LARSON
Were you referencing Toni Kukoč?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kukoč.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Okay, that's good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's good. That's nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I saw the name earlier today because the guy was describing that Kukoč was saying that before he'd have a game, he'd eat like a full meal, like he'd eat an appetizer and then he'd have an entree and a bunch of pasta and then he'd have a glass of wine and then he'd have a full like tiramisu dessert and an espresso. And the guy was like what the fuck are you doing? He's like in Europe, you eat the big meal before the game, you take big shit and then you play.
ED LARSON
It sounds great.
MARCUS PARKS
That is incredible. Pumpkinhead is gonna be going up against Casey Anthony.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
ED LARSON
Man!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
I think they might have come up against each other last year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The last time.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it was Casey Anthony and Pumpkinhead in the finals last time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We really need to... And then we're gonna get into this because ah man, I think he killed her the last time. He's gotta kill her again.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's no way this is gonna make it through.
ED LARSON
Pumpkinhead hates child murderers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
We know this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And what if George fucking, if he went and he was the one who summoned Pumpkinhead because she was trying to blame the death on him? We'll get into it.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And she also has the law on her side.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is even worse. Well she has all of Boca.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. So that is the first bracket over on let's say the eastern conference.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's go over to the western conference. Coming up first, the worm from Dune.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now this was Eddie's addition. This was not mine.
ED LARSON
Yeah. El Shaloub!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
El Shaloub sounds like a Mexican restaurant run by Monk. No. Shai-Hulud.
ED LARSON
El Shaloub.
MARCUS PARKS
And the worm from Dune is going to be going up against, let's see here, Bonnie and Clyde.
ED LARSON
Oh my god. This is not gonna go well for them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Here's the thing is that you have to walk irregularly in the desert to not capture the attention of Shai-Hulud. Bonnie and Clyde-
MARCUS PARKS
But who's more erratic than Bonnie and Clyde?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the issue is that I think that that's gonna cause them to call a lot of worms into it.
ED LARSON
They're very loud, they're very loud.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, let's see here. So next up we have on the imaginary side...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've done so much passionate debating this week. I feel like Ross Perot.
MARCUS PARKS
And speaking of debating, we debated a lot before the show about this particular subject. The birds from The Birds.
ED LARSON
The Birds! Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And the debate we had, how many birds?
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
We eventually... Eddie, I wanted 200. Eddie wanted 20,000.
ED LARSON
I think 20,000 is a rational number.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I was trying to split the diff.
ED LARSON
We're talking about how many birds does it take to take over an island?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think 500 birds was my choice. I thought 500 birds was like a good round number.
MARCUS PARKS
Eventually we settled on 400.
ED LARSON
Yes. Which I'm mad about, by the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's 400.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
400 birds is a lot of fucking birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait a second-
ED LARSON
It is but not for spread out over an island.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing, they're not gonna be spread out over an island.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a pack of birds.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Just the gas station scene alone was 400 birds!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that you're overestimating the amount of birds it would take to take over an island. I do think that 500 birds is closer to that number.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com if you want to do a little bit of bird math, if you want to tell us how much damage could 500... Actually no, let's say how much damage could 20,000 birds do?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that's too much damage.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's too much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where I think that all it would take honestly is 1000 birds. I think 1000 birds is like overkill still.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, 1000 birds, way too many birds.
ED LARSON
You think this until you see it. All right? Remember what happened in Raiders of the Lost Ark when they wanted to do the snake scene?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Spielberg was like let me get 1000 snakes and they look at it, they're like that's not enough snakes. He's like get me another 2000 snakes. And they check it out, it's like that's not enough snakes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
ED LARSON
He's like all right, get me another 13,000 snakes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm looking at this right now. You know what's funny is that even though we've just discussed this and we've made our decisions already, we can't go back ever, the world's biggest flock of birds, if you look at this, it was 10 million birds.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And I did look it up, a flock of sparrows alone is 10,000 birds.
ED LARSON
This is what I'm talking about!
MARCUS PARKS
Okay, all right. That's sparrows. Here's how we're gonna compromise.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We haven't even gotten to the fight. We haven't even gotten to the actual debate.
ED LARSON
Yeah. 10 geese took out of the airplane, I saw it with my own eyes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, that was Sully's decision to take it to the harbor. He could have took it around, he could have put it on the fucking runway if he wanted to.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, so let's say 400 ravens.
ED LARSON
400 ravens?
MARCUS PARKS
400 really big birds.
ED LARSON
But there are a lot of seagulls in The Birds.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, gulls.
ED LARSON
There are ravens.
MARCUS PARKS
300 ravens, 100 gulls.
ED LARSON
Ugh, god, just give them a chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How many ravens are murderers?
ED LARSON
You can beat them with a tennis racket.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a part of what we'll see, we'll see what their vs, let's see what they're up against.
MARCUS PARKS
If 400 ravens were swarming you, you don't have a chance.
ED LARSON
No, not at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think I could make it but that's me, that's my confidence.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that is your confidence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's see what they're vs.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see who the birds are going up against. Cause there's one person in particular that if the birds are going up against them, there's no chance. Chris Benoit.
ED LARSON
Oh man! That's gonna be good. The cross bird crippler!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Chris Benoit vs a flock of birds.
ED LARSON
Well if it's a ladder match, they've got a chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. We'll have to set those parameters.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we'll set the parameters once we get to each one. All right, so the next imaginary one, Regan from The Exorcist, so therefore Satan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
ED LARSON
Oh okay, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Or no, it's not. Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's Pazuzu.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, so I guess Satan would be like the coach.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the Robert Kraft.
ED LARSON
Yeah, if Pazuzu loses, he's gonna have a rough week in hell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So let's say Pazuzu. Do you wanna say Pazuzu or you wanna say Regan?
ED LARSON
Regan/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Well because this is how they fight. Pazuzu is using the body of Regan, so that's what we have to take into account is that we also know that Pazuzu, if the other person is willing, can jump from Regan into the other person.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Because he was in the priest for a little bit, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then he also did the come into me! Come into me!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did that. So maybe, we'll see what we get there. We'll see who they're against.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see who Regan/Pazuzu are against. Killdozer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Oh man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dude.
ED LARSON
Woo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
ED LARSON
Damn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now that's a bit of an uneven match.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's uneven.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marvin Heemeyer.
ED LARSON
But you can scramble up the side of it, we don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That entire police squad could not break into the Killdozer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They tried to kill him. An entire town tried to stop Marvin Heemeyer and he took over and he had to stop himself, like a real American.
MARCUS PARKS
I've got some theories. So the last lineup here that we got, we have, ooh this is a controversial one as well. Mothman in the fictional world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, Mothman.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The way we put it is yes, obviously most people view Mothman as nonfictional. I do as well. I think that Mothman is a parapsychological egregore of many different thought patterns and that our thought of it actually makes it real. But the issue is that we needed brackets to fill out. And so my reasoning was like much like how somehow fucking The Bear was a comedy at the Golden Globes, Mothman filled out the paperwork for the fictional league in order to get to get himself in there.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Bear gets funnier in season two, I'll say that.
ED LARSON
And the Mothman isn't real.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You'll see. You ask Chicago.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. And the last one that we have over here on this side, we have, boom, Lord RayEl.
ED LARSON
Lord RayEl. So let me ask you, so everything we didn't pick, they don't even get to play?
MARCUS PARKS
Well I kind of fuck things up a little bit because I thought that we needed like, I was like okay we need like 16 but it's like 16 each. All right. So it's like 8, it's 16 total. 8 each.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh. So we're not gonna have a Regan vs Reagan match up?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we had Ronald Reagan on the other list.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do we want to take out any of these?
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing is that you know what we can do is that we can go through these-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because Casey Anthony we've already done.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think Casey Anthony we've already done. I think we could try to replace Casey Anthony.
ED LARSON
What if we each get one pull and we get to replace one of our choosing with whatever you pull?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
ED LARSON
I like this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So these are all fictional.
MARCUS PARKS
These are all real.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are the real.
ED LARSON
We'll do real and fictional.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Got it.
ED LARSON
Okay, great. I like this. This is gonna be fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, I would like to replace.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Casey Anthony I would like to replace with Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
MARCUS PARKS
So that's Gypsy Rose vs Pumpkinhead.
ED LARSON
Yes! Oh my god. Even better. All right. Okay. I have pulled out of the real. Oh yes, definitely got a change here. We got Robert the doll I pulled, a local celebrity.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
ED LARSON
We love Robert. Can I look at the bracket for two seconds?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, go ahead, yeah.
ED LARSON
All right. So Robert, we're going Robert's very real. And so I am gonna replace Robert the doll with Bonnie and Clyde.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it's Shai-Hulud vs Robert the doll.
ED LARSON
Robert the doll can kill from the inside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
ED LARSON
And what if he was able to talk to El-Hulud?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It will literally be destroyed by the fires within Shai Hulud that create the spice that make Arrakis the special place that it is.
ED LARSON
Not the soul.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I had a damn good argument for Bonnie and Clyde. I had a real good argument for them.
ED LARSON
Oh I'm sorry. What is it?
MARCUS PARKS
Well the thing is that I think about this is that they are so erratic that they would accidentally do the steps. But then when they actually get the boom, boom, boom to come, because eventually they're gonna start shooting off guns because they have to shoot off guns.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And Shai-Hulud is brought by noise.
MARCUS PARKS
Noise and loud noises. And I think that if anybody on this list could figure out how to ride the worm, it's Bonnie and Clyde.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They could end up riding the worm, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
They could end up riding the worm.
ED LARSON
Yes. And they could do the desert parkour.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They really could, they very much could.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well no because fucking Bonnie's all jacked up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess she naturally does the desert walking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, she does.
ED LARSON
This is exciting. It's never been done like this before.
MARCUS PARKS
It's never been done. No, I've never fucked up like this before.
ED LARSON
This is great though. I like this.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. So I got on the real... Okay. So here's what I'm gonna do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What'd you get?
MARCUS PARKS
I got Ronald Reagan. But I made sure to say Ronald Reagan 1978.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, we're not doing-
ED LARSON
Senator Reagan.
MARCUS PARKS
No, Governor Reagan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Governor Reagan.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're doing Governor Reagan. So I'm gonna replace, let's see here...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause we wanted Ronald Reagan vs Regan from The Exorcist.
MARCUS PARKS
And if we're, yeah, it's possible. The only possible way that we're gonna do this, Lord RayEl.
ED LARSON
Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're replacing Lord RayEL. Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm gonna replace Lord RayEL with Ronald Reagan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fun because also the reason why we included Lord RayEl is a little bit of a tip off of our new series that we're gonna be doing, is that we are coming back to some of our old topics that we did that I'm very excited for. But Lord RayEl is right on the top of the list and he's still fat and dumb. We were just gonna kill him immediately anyway.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. Now do we want to do the same thing with the imaginary?
ED LARSON
I think it's great.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's see.
ED LARSON
You could also pick and choose not to enter this, correct?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. If you think it's better than what we already have, then we don't. Like yeah, I'm not even gonna put mine in because I don't really care about it.
ED LARSON
Who is it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was Jigsaw.
ED LARSON
Yeah, fuck Jigsaw.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck that, I don't need it. All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see.
ED LARSON
Yeah, if I get Godzilla or Jaws, they're in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Xenu!
MARCUS PARKS
Oh Xenu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes! Yes!
ED LARSON
Xenu's gotta make it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Xenu's gotta make it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well who does Xenu replace?
ED LARSON
Can I see it please?
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
Thank you very much. All right, so Xenu could go against... No, I like the Tall Man too much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Tall Man though I do believe we've done before.
MARCUS PARKS
I do believe we've done him before.
ED LARSON
You have?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Okay. So yeah, all right. I'll take out the Tall Man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Tall Man for Xenu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Xenu!
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
ED LARSON
We're moving in Xenu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes! That's my boy!
MARCUS PARKS
All right, Xenu's coming in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bringing the hydrogen bombs into play, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's see here. Mine is, oh, another X. Xenomorph!
ED LARSON
I was hoping-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Xenomorph from Alien!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Xenomorphs, yes!
ED LARSON
Taking all the sleepers!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That is the sleeper. And I think, okay here, I think what I'm gonna have to do here, I think I'm gonna take out the Joker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm gonna take out the Joker.
ED LARSON
I almost took out the Joker myself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I agree, I agree. Entirely agree.
ED LARSON
All right. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
Too much going on there. Xenomorph, much better chance than the Joker of taking it all.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, much better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know, I think the xenomorph;s got a hot chance. So let's hit that theme one last time.
MARCUS PARKS
(sports announcer voice) This year's third annual Last Podcast on the Left March Madness of Murder. Let's check out this bracket here.
ED LARSON
(applause)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Boom!
MARCUS PARKS
First round we have Xenu vs Andrew Cunanan!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Andrew, Andrew, Andrew!
MARCUS PARKS
And next we have the puppets from Puppet Master vs Anton from No Country for Old Men.
ED LARSON
Ain't no strings holding them down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(sports announcer voice) I'll tell you what, it's gonna be difficult to get those tiny little heads to get next to that machine. But we'll figure it out.
MARCUS PARKS
And this is a long awaited match up here, everyone's been dreaming about this one. The Xenomorph from Alien vs OJ Simpson. It's the Xenomorph, it's the Morph vs the Juice here today. We cannot wait for that lineup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His juices are going to be loose as they slit open his belly with their hind claws.
ED LARSON
Can you put a glove on a xenomorph?
MARCUS PARKS
And this is gonna be a big matchup here, there's very much an underdog in this race but it is a creature of vengeance vs a girl who wants revenge. It's Pumpkinhead vs Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead!
ED LARSON
Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead, Pumpkinhead!
MARCUS PARKS
And on the west coast bracket we have the worm from Dune vs-
ED LARSON
(wailing)
MARCUS PARKS
Robert the doll.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Welcome to my party.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't make fun of my hat.
MARCUS PARKS
Next up we have, now this is gonna be a very interesting match. I'm really gonna look to see what the coach is gonna come up on this one for defense. We have 400 birds vs Chris Benoit.
ED LARSON
(tweeting)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You remind me of my daughter.
MARCUS PARKS
Up next, this is also gonna be one where tactics are very important. There's gonna be a lot of strategy involved with this one. We have Regan/Pazuzu vs the Killdozer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marvin Heemeyer, I believe in you. You're gonna say the pledge and you're gonna beat the devil.
ED LARSON
You're gonna fucking suck his mother's dick in hell.
MARCUS PARKS
And the last one, this is a toss up. Anyone could take this one. It is the Mothman vs Governor Ronald Reagan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They might be friends!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. I don't know. He might be trying to warn us about Ronald Reagan.
MARCUS PARKS
It all depends on whether Ronald Reagan considers Mothman to be an east coast elite.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Well let's get into it.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's get into it. All right. First up, let's start at the top bracket. Xenu, the villain of Scientology, the man who took all of the souls in the universe, brought them to earth, dropped them into a volcano, and turned them into, what is it again?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thetans.
MARCUS PARKS
Thetans that attached to our bodies and can only be removed through thousands upon thousands of dollars of auditing by Scientology officers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will say number one, I'm very sorry to everybody who's not an OT III who just heard that story and will now die of pneumonia. Because that is just what happens to you. But that's what it is. Now have you ever seen a picture of Xenu?
ED LARSON
No. But I know he's got lasers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got hydrogen bombs, my friend.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So the the way he destroyed the millions and millions of his subjugated peoples were by giant hydrogen bombs. So we got immediately up top. So Xenu is vs...
MARCUS PARKS
Andrew Cunanan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now Andrew Cunanan, we love him.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're right, we love him.
MARCUS PARKS
We don't love him. He's a horrible human being.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He hates fashion. So much he just wants to destroy fashion.
ED LARSON
Could Andrew Cunanan convince Xenu that he is Tom Cruise?
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting. Andrew Cunanan is very much a chameleon. And Xenu, I'm not sure how well Xenu can tell humans apart from one another.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're saying he's racist?
MARCUS PARKS
And Tom Cruise is the current I mean godhead of Scientology.
ED LARSON
And Xenu would not fuck with Tom Cruise.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My thing is that as soon as he saw the heights, he's gonna know. I think Xenu is aware of TC. I don't think if Xenu's around, if Xenu allows... He's aware of TC, he knows TC. He knows people that are fans of TC because he actually likes them. I think at first if Xenu had met Andrew Cunanan, I think that they'd get along.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that they'd like each other. I think that I could definitely see Andrew Cunanan trying to get free lunches out of Xenu because I can kind of see Xenu being sort of like a GILF.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Also-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because if you see some pictures of him-
MARCUS PARKS
I've seen pictures of him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In some he's an alien.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But some he kind of looks like Javier Bardem from Dune.
MARCUS PARKS
I'd say it's more of an Anton LaVey look.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A little bit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got an evil goatee.
ED LARSON
I feel like Xenu is very easily influenced and I think Cunanan is a great influencer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have to remember Xenu is the evil guy. He's the Satan of Scientology.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he's the ultimate deceptor. Xenu is an evil dictator that was an intergalactic warlord.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Andrew Cunanan loved to dance.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he loved fancy desserts. And he got fat on champagne.
MARCUS PARKS
And if we're going con man vs con man-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Then I think because you look at Andrew Cunanan, yes, he was able to get a lot of free lunches. He got on a couple of cruises. He was able to be a kept boy for a while. Xenu was able to, through his machinations throughout the years, he was able to be a part of one of the most successful cults of all time, con man after con man after con man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think Xenu is just a guy named Jeff.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That just shows up places but he just convinces people that he's Xenu. But if you can convince people that you've done this in the past and all you really need is one hydrogen bomb. He doesn't need millions. If he has one, I bet you and you Andrew Cunanan tries to fuck Xenu. Xenu says sure thing, absolutely, goes ahead. You'd be like oh come see my house and he's just like oh my god, this house is huge. And he goes into the house and he sees all like... Because Xenu's probably got a big house. But unfortunately I think they might fuck and then after they fuck Xenu throws him in the volcano with the rest of his other subjugated millions and blows them up with a hydrogen bomb.
ED LARSON
I think that there's no chance that Andrew Cunanan can take Xenu. But I just like to try to figure out how it would happen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what we did. That's what we're doing here.
MARCUS PARKS
That's it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I still feel like Xenu wins.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I feel like Xenu wins as well. So first matchup between Andrew Cunanan and Xenu, Xenu advances.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
(singing) Cunanana, Cunanana-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Hey, hey, hey-
MARCUS PARKS
(singing) Goodbye!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that this is unfair. I've put $15,000 into my scientological technological training.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. So next up we have the puppets from Puppet Master vs the man from No Country for Old Men.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My main issue-
ED LARSON
Greatest hitman of all time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I put him up there.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love him as a character.
MARCUS PARKS
He's the Terminator basically.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because what if he's dealing with all these dolls. Partially I wonder again if it's another one, it's like would they all just get along? Like would they all just hang out? They're little dolls. He might not have patience for toys.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can also see he's an unrelenting murderer, especially at the end of the movie. Not to spoil No Country for Old Men. It's a decade old movie. But it's like he gets hit and he gets T-boned and he barely makes it. And like that guy just goes and goes and goes and goes and goes. I think the puppets think we got this guy on lockdown, they come into his room at night. One thing they don't understand. Anton Chigurh sleeps with one eye open.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that when it comes down to it, he's not even going to use the cattle murdering bolt machine. I think he's just gonna stomp on them. I don't think they're even going to get a chance to get close to him.
ED LARSON
He also has a shotgun with a silencer on it.
MARCUS PARKS
It's true. But the thing that people always discount on the puppets, numbers.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
One puppet distracts while the other puppets attack.
ED LARSON
There's seven puppets, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I think there's seven puppets, somewhere around there. You got Blade, you got Jester, you got Pinhead, you got Torch, you got the Leech Woman. The leach woman, she is an underdog but I think the one that really is gonna take him down is Six-Shooter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yeah. Because then you have somebody from a distance.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And Torch has a flamethrower.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But still at the same time he could take the licking and keep on ticking.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anton Chigurh, it depends on is he paid to kill the puppets? Because if it's his job... I could see him cutting his losses and getting overwhelmed if it's not his job.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But if he's being paid by Chucky to come knock out the Puppet Master puppets-
ED LARSON
It's true. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cui bono?
ED LARSON
If he has a dossier on them...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, cui bono? Yeah, if he's got all their weaknesses and he's going for them... Because guess where puppets have to go? In their little box at some point.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then guess what you gotta do with that box?
ED LARSON
Set it on fire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Throw it in the ocean.
MARCUS PARKS
But remember this. This is in the arena. I mean we are going with an actual competition here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
So he's not doing-
ED LARSON
Are we thinking Thunderdome?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
A Thunderdome type thing. Although on the other hand, nah, I don't know about that. I like kind of a dangerous game thing where you just tell like hey, you gotta kill this guy, hey, you gotta kill this guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they meet whenever that they show up.
MARCUS PARKS
And then they meet. Yeah, it's like they have to hunt them down and use whatever wiles they may have.
ED LARSON
I don't know why I pictured this in a hotel room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do feel this is in a hotel room.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel this is in a hotel room.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But does he have guns or not? So he's got the shotgun.
ED LARSON
He's got his weapons.
MARCUS PARKS
He's got his weapons. Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But I would say-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's Anton Chigurh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I think it's Chigurh too by a hair. He's gonna get wounded for sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, he's gonna be jacked the fuck up.
ED LARSON
Shredder's gonna fucking stab up his legs and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I think he comes out on top but I think it's one of those he comes out worse for wear.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. Two out of three. Anton goes ahead.
ED LARSON
Now are we saying that when Anton goes against Xenu, is he injured now?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. That's what I would say.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I mean that's the thing. Yes because in March Madness, if one of your guys falls, you gotta play without that guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So yeah, every person that goes into the next round definitely goes with whatever injuries they may have.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Xenu is probably still 100%.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, Xenu, nothing. No one's touched Xenu.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because Andrew Cunanan is going at him with his wiles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he also got empty because Cunanan sucked his dick the night before.
ED LARSON
Yeah. So he's even doing better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's with it.
MARCUS PARKS
Next up we have, this is an interesting one. The xenomorph vs OJ Simpson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well okay, there's precedent here. Because we talked a little bit about this last year. Because we kinda broke the spell here because last time, no, actually now this is just twice. Because OJ Simpson beat the Gremlins. That's why he made it to the final round.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So there's precedent of one big man killing many tiny things.
MARCUS PARKS
But we're only going against one xenomorph here. Like one gigantic-
ED LARSON
Alien 1.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Alien 1.
ED LARSON
Alien 1.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think...
MARCUS PARKS
No facehuggers.
ED LARSON
Also gotta say OJ is a stabber, the fucking blood-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he's got no chance.
MARCUS PARKS
Acid.
ED LARSON
Yeah, the blood's acid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's all over.
ED LARSON
He's got no chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. OJ, if he's got his full Buffalo Bills uniform in with the helmet, in the Bronco. Like is he allowed to have the Bronco?
MARCUS PARKS
I would say that those-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that's the only way you could remotely equalize himself vs a xenomorph.
MARCUS PARKS
Those count as accessories, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So if he has the Bronco, he can live for a while. Because what is the xenomorph's main weakness, right? Like yes, there's total obliteration-
ED LARSON
Fire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fire.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So maybe, maybe, I guess if he could get the Xenomorph and him, if he could bump it around with the car like kind of Jurassic Park style where he's coming around, he's trying to knock it around.
ED LARSON
This fight is on Earth, correct?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so maybe, just maybe he could clip it, run it over, like you could throw the Bronco into the alien, it could explode. Maybe. Maybe he finds out the alien is the person who actually killed Nicole Brown Simpson. And then his power of vengeance, he's understanding, he's like finally my name could be exonerated. They'll bring me back my trophies.
ED LARSON
Now I was watching a video recently, it was about like crash test dummies. And they were taking different cars and crashing them into walls. And the one that faltered the most was the Bronco.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I don't know if the Bronco is... Yeah.
ED LARSON
So I think if you hit a xenomorph with your Bronco, I think the xenomorph isn't really fazed that much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think the xenomorph is fazed in any way whatsoever. Because the xenomorph is like a bullet sponge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think the xenomorph beats-
MARCUS PARKS
I think the xenomorph takes OJ Simpson down.
ED LARSON
Pads and everything.
MARCUS PARKS
Because that's the thing, if he's in the Bronco and he's wearing football pads, it's not gonna be-
ED LARSON
It's gonna be hard to get outta there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah! I can't even go to restaurants anymore!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be hard to drive. So yes, the xenomorph does take it over OJ Simpson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
OJ falling earlier than I thought he would.
MARCUS PARKS
Hey man, sometimes Duke goes up against Gonzaga in the first round.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's just how it is. It's hard. It is hard out there, you gotta be... I feel bad for him in a way.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. So next up we have creature of vengeance vs the girl who wants vengeance. Pumpkinhead vs Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. So all right, let's imagine that DeeDee Blanchard before she died... So maybe either she set Pumpkinhead against Gypsy Rose Blanchard, right? Or is it the guy that killed her?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The guy that she worked with, the guy from Facebook, I forget his name. I think it's Nicholas.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The guy that actually murdered DeeDee Blanchard.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm a little fuzzy on the details because I only watched it many, many years ago. I watched the documentary many years ago.
ED LARSON
I mean this is definitely a really tough one. But I don't think-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nicholas Godejohn.
ED LARSON
Like as much as I want Gypsy Rose to come out on top, I just don't think that there's much of a chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well there's the thing. Right now what we're seeing is a phenomenon in the randomness of the bracket is that high-powered... We're gonna get to a really big skirmish at the center of the madness here.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because we're gonna have a lot of high-powered entities against each other. Because normally we obviously respect reality here. And we really kind of dial in, we're really trying to figure out here exactly who would win. And unfortunately with Gypsy Rose Blanchard, like does she have the power of social media? Can she get Pumpkinhead canceled?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Pumpkinhead don't give a shit! He lives for canceled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But yeah, again, or does he fold because all of a sudden now are we gonna see Pumpkinhead on Ben Shapiro?
MARCUS PARKS
That's the other thing too is that Pumpkinhead thrives on belief, correct? Like he thrives on other people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think-
MARCUS PARKS
You have to have faith in Pumpkinhead, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
ED LARSON
Those greaser punks, they didn't really believe in Pumpkinhead.
MARCUS PARKS
That's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The second you unleash... It's just the thing about Pumpkinhead is that you are damned the moment you acquire Pumpkinhead's vengeance.
MARCUS PARKS
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You are damned. And Pumpkinhead, it's just doing its job. It's just out there, it shows up every day, it's in the rat race.
MARCUS PARKS
Why has no one ever thought of this? Why don't you use Pumpkinhead to kill himself?
ED LARSON
You think he would?
MARCUS PARKS
Why doesn't Gypsy Rose Blanchard-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it creates like a time loop. I think it's one of those where it's like if Doc Brown meets Doc Brown, the universe falls apart. I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
So you can't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But this is again, that's Pumpkinhead vs Pumpkinhead now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is Pumpkinhead vs Gypsy Rose Blanchard.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think Pumpkinhead rips Gypsy Rose Blanchard in half.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think they arrive and Gypsy Rose Blanchard is there being like you wish you had my husband's dick. And then Pumpkinhead is just like yeah, they're nodding. And then you see Nicholas Godejohn laughing in his jail cell as he's calling Lance Henriksen on Zoom. They've gotten Pumpkinhead into the stadium. Gypsy Rob Blanchard shows up, she's like am I on the Ellen Degeneres show? And then he rips her limb from limb.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He sticks her in the spokes of a motorcycle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Okay so it's gonna be Pumpkinhead.
ED LARSON
It has to be Pumpkinhead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And that's the thing is that on that we have coming up here in a bit, this afternoon on NBC, xenomorph vs Pumpkinhead.
ED LARSON
Boom!
MARCUS PARKS
And that's gonna be one hell of a match.
ED LARSON
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
So we've gone through the eastern conference. Let's go through the western. First up, the worm vs Robert the doll.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Shai-Hulud vs a-
MARCUS PARKS
An inanimate wooden object that's so incredibly fragile.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. It is Shai-Hulud, yeah, 1000 meter underground worm god.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Vs cloth.
ED LARSON
Now here's my thing about this though. Shai-Hulud eats Robert the doll, okay? Does Robert the doll's soul then take over Shai-Hulud?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The thing about Shai-Hulud is that I think that the whole entirely destruction of Robert the doll would sort of negate the curse because Shai-Hulud is the lord of the desert. It's a real creature that has been bestowed upon with mystical powers.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But what it is is fucking five buses that can eat. And it has a fire in the center of its belly.
ED LARSON
But can it get cursed?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Even if it wins, even if the the worm wins, is it now cursed?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My thing is that Robert the doll mostly curses you to do social faux pas. The Shai-Hulud arrives and he's not engaged, he's not there to take his picture, he's not making fun of Robert the doll's clothes.
ED LARSON
It certainly can't call it Robert. It says (growling).
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But what do we know about destroying haunted objects? It's bad. It's bad when you destroy a haunted object. And so the worm has no choice but to destroy a haunted object. But that's the thing is that if Robert the haunted doll then possesses the worm-
ED LARSON
It could get cancer.
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing. And then that's the thing is that the worm-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What if the worm gets bad luck?
ED LARSON
That's what I'm saying.
MARCUS PARKS
I think the worm and Robert cancel each other out. I think it's one of those where the whole thing, the entire arena explodes-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Even though three worms destroyed all of the Harkonnens?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Robert the haunted doll can take him down. But that's the thing is that Robert the haunted doll is then destroyed and cannot move on to the next round. So I think we have to dip back into the bucket.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
ED LARSON
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
I think we have a draw.
ED LARSON
Just new fight altogether?
MARCUS PARKS
No, the fight happens. They're both gone. They can't move on.
ED LARSON
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Imagine if like two basketball teams both died in a plane crash at the same time.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be the greatest day CNN ever had.
MARCUS PARKS
They've got to like replay a game to see like who gets replaced.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's redraw.
ED LARSON
Redraw!
MARCUS PARKS
So I think we go back, think we redraw.
ED LARSON
So do we pull a real or a fake?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Both!
MARCUS PARKS
We pull both.
ED LARSON
We pull both.
MARCUS PARKS
This is gonna be a new matchup.
ED LARSON
Oh great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, let's see. You do it.
MARCUS PARKS
So imaginary, we've got-
ED LARSON
Unprecedented.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You're gonna love it. Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Yes!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
What a replacement!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
What a fucking replacement!
MARCUS PARKS
It's a big man for a big man, and going up against Godzilla-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
We've got Squirrel Hunting Sam.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's the problem is that it's hard, it's so hard because obviously...
ED LARSON
It's just like Godzilla coming, he's just like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, being like (singing) going down, gonna get some, gonna enjoy myself today. He's like chewing on an acorn. He's like hanging out in the tree just being like I wonder what the old holler's gonna provide for us today. All right now.
MARCUS PARKS
(stomping)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) I've never been to a holler called Okinawa before.
MARCUS PARKS
(Godzilla scream)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Southern accent) Oh my god. (screaming)
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So that is, yeah, we know-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
That's so much fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's a lot of fun to see, yeah.
ED LARSON
You never know what can happen here at the March Madness.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you really don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow. Anything's possible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, anything is possible here in the March Madness of Murder.
ED LARSON
Also shoutout to Robert the doll.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And honestly it's controversial because you know I love the power of Shai-Hulud. But I also believe like what are you gonna do? What can you do?
ED LARSON
What can you do? It's gonna get sick.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes it's all about what goes in, what goes into your body is what comes out of it.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. So next up we have 400 birds-
ED LARSON
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Vs Chris Benoit.
ED LARSON
Caw-caw!
MARCUS PARKS
Whoe of course, as we know, I mean he's dead now.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, through CTE he did murder his entire family. It was quite sad but he is here in the March Madness of Murder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think he murdered himself with gym equipment.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which I get. Vibes. Okay, this might be controversial. If you look at The Birds, the movie-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a lot of people that were terrorized by these birds. And we all say yes, oh my god, that's dumb. I do think that 400 birds, despite what Chris Benoit can do, I think if it was 100 birds, Chris Benoit would win.
MARCUS PARKS
I think he could make it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He might make it through 100 birds. But I think 400 birds overwhelms Chris Benoit.
MARCUS PARKS
I think so too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't care how much-
ED LARSON
I think he does really well for a while.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And then he's bloody and he's just been like these gulls look like my son or whatever.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the problem, his eyes are gonna go real quick.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Once they pluck out his eyes, he's over.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And he's emotional. They're not.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
They are not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. He is irrational.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Think about this, if this happened between him killing his family and killing himself, he kills his whole family, he goes out for a breather. He wonders which machine he's gonna use to kill himself. He looks out on the horizon, he sees the huge swarm of birds coming.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In his own mind, he's just being like goddamn, I gotta kill these fucking birds. Or like they infuriate him or he's down or maybe is he-
ED LARSON
See here's how I see it happen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is he enraged?
ED LARSON
Kills his entire family, all right? Walks outside, there's a bunch of birds on his child's jungle gym outside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
And he looks at those birds like fuck these fucking birds! He instigates the fight!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He starts the fight.
ED LARSON
He kills all the birds there and then all of a sudden-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So yeah, he's in there smoking a cigar, probably eating a drumstick or something.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whatever you do after you kill your family, right?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause finally some peace and quiet. And so you're just trying to have that moment for yourself and you're sitting there and then yeah-
ED LARSON
And all these birds start looking at him funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Caw-caw! Honestly I'm just trying to sit, finally I have a moment of silence and these birds are gonna fuck with me today?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so yeah, he kills the first batch of birds, the rest of the birds send a text-
ED LARSON
One gets away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tweets.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's called X now.
MARCUS PARKS
And the other thing that you have to keep in mind is that Benoit is only, if we're going like classic, everyone's in their classic uniform, Benoit is wearing only underwear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's very vulnerable with the birds.
ED LARSON
He's getting scratched up real bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he had SWAT team gear on, he might be able to last much, much longer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he is going to be, yes, mostly nude.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Like if it was the birds vs Robocop, like Robocop's gonna take it.
ED LARSON
Oh yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Because Robocop's armored and there's only a little bit to peck. But Benoit is sitting there, he's literally wearing underwear and boots.
ED LARSON
Okay. So we're gonna give it to the birds.
MARCUS PARKS
The birds got it.
ED LARSON
I think it's willing to note that we just lost 100 birds.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay, yeah. So 300 birds.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, now it's 300 birds. Chris Benoit worked his way through 100 of the birds. The other 300 have, yes, have won. They moved on. Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. Next up-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now can a wounded Anton Chigurh beat 300 birds?
ED LARSON
I mean we're gonna find out.
MARCUS PARKS
Well actually that is going to be Anton Chigurh vs Xenu. So we're gonna come up with that one later. Yeah, the one that came out of that one, that's 300 birds vs Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we already know how that's gonna go because 300 birds get consumed every single time Godzilla farts.
MARCUS PARKS
Next up we have Regan possessed by Pazuzu vs Killdozer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, now Marvin Heemeyer, as we all know, American hero. Sometimes a reasonable man is driven to do unreasonable things. He piloted his Killdozer over a real estate deal that technically he won.
ED LARSON
Can we have a recap-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He destroyed his small town.
ED LARSON
Of what the Killdozer is?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Killdozer is a completely bulletproof mechanism built on the skeleton of a bulldozer that he welded wrought iron shielding all around. So it was impervious to any sort of attack. The entire police squad of his town was a vs his Killdozer and they couldn't hack in.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he had shotgun windows that he was sticking out. But he still never killed anybody. But he did do millions of dollars in property damage and then offed himself inside of his own Killdozer. So that's what kind of gives him his power. But you got Regan, this little girl that is all fueled by the power of Pazuzu. So let's see how this goes. Regan, she's full Pazuzu.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Floating, jerking off with a crucifix.
ED LARSON
Maybe minding their own business tied to a bed. Killdozer breaks down the wall. All of a sudden it sets off Regan/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But the thing is about that, you gotta remember, where is Regan? Washington, DC.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Killdozer ain't getting up those steps!
MARCUS PARKS
Killdozer ain't getting up those. And that's the thing, the moment Killdozer enters-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is unfortunately, that is his true kryptonite.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that flight of stairs. It's gonna be very, very difficult for the Killdozer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because if he was gonna survive through that town, you don't think that the seat of power wasn't gonna be next? You don't think he was gonna go?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You don't ask, think about this. So Joe Biden, Grandpa Joe, looking for his own October surprise.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't you think him helping Marvin Heemeyer kill the devil himself would help him with the evangelical vote?
ED LARSON
He's got a weak heart. He's not a weak heart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I'm just saying, yeah, but he won't be in there. But you don't think if he doesn't use the SEAL Team Six to help Marvin Heemeyer beat the devil, that that's not gonna put him up with the Christian vote?
MARCUS PARKS
All Biden has to do is clear the way for Killdozer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's all he has to do!
MARCUS PARKS
All he has to do is say like don't stop this guy. And he goes on live TV and says Killdozer is gonna murder the devil today on live television.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me clear-
ED LARSON
Yeah. And Biden hates the devil.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does.
ED LARSON
He has rosary beads in his pockets.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(old man voice) Let me be clear, okay, yes. It may seem Pazuzu is in, let me be clear, Corn Pop is a best friend of mine. But he's saying that Regan, yes, it may look like a little girl and it might sound and puke and masturbate like a little girl. But once it is murdered, you'll see it is in fact the devil. It's hard because he does have to see that the Killdozer has to run over a little girl to kill the devil.
MARCUS PARKS
It's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also that's his job as president.
ED LARSON
Is it a little girl anymore?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yes, it is.
MARCUS PARKS
Because that's the problem is that you have to sacrifice the little girl in order to kill Pazuzu. But if you kill the little girl, again, is Pazuzu then free to possess Killdozer? Do we have another draw?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, actually no. Because we were saying this before. It is because when the exorcist came in, he does the come into me! Come into me!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He invites the devil into him. And Marvin Heemeyer will never do that.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marvin Heemeyer didn't even want people to come into his house.
ED LARSON
But imagine if Pazuzu took over Marvin Heemeyer. And then Pazuzu is behind the wheel of the Killdozer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then the Killdozer wins again. Because it's the Killdozer wins.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay so it's not Marvin that's the person, it's the Killdozer itself. But it is still technically Marvin inside. If it's technically Regan inside, then it's technically Marvin inside-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He kills Regan. Pazuzu jumps into Marvin Heemeyer, that means Marvin Heemeyer wins but he's now the devil in the Killdozer.
MARCUS PARKS
So now we've got Killdozer/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yes. Wow!
MARCUS PARKS
So that's who goes on next round, Killdozer/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, that's good! God, I want that. I want that to be real. I want it to be fucking real.
ED LARSON
This would be way better than the last Exorcist movie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be fucking awesome!
MARCUS PARKS
All right, and the final matchup in the western bracket, we have the Mothman vs 1978 Governor Ronald Reagan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now one thing the Mothman knows is that there's a problem with the infrastructure in this country. And the one major like kind of loophole, the problem with the Republicans, right, I actually don't remember at this time period is that they're weak on infrastructure. Because they don't like to spend money. So I feel like this is a complete example of the problems that we're facing right now.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right? This is actually an adroit, subtle-
MARCUS PARKS
And by infrastructure you mean the Mothman tried to warn everyone about the bridge that was gonna collapse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bridge collapse, yes. And then Ronald Reagan, I think he's doing his best to make every bridge collapse that he fucking can because he doesn't want to spend money.
ED LARSON
Yeah. One thing I know about Reagan, he could take a bullet.
MARCUS PARKS
He can take a bullet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he can.
ED LARSON
He can. He's hard to kill.
MARCUS PARKS
but that's the problem.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he didn't fight in a war, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Reagan? I don't know, probably. I think he did because I think it's something like every president of the 20th century fought in a war except-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he trained.
ED LARSON
He trained.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I think Ronald Reagan, I think he was-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm looking at it right now.
ED LARSON
Jimmy Carter fought in a war? No, he's too nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He fought in the peanut wars.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I think Ronald Reagan was one of the guys like I'm an actor and that's gonna be what I do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what he was, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he was an actor.
ED LARSON
Does he have the chimp?
MARCUS PARKS
Does he had Bonzo?
ED LARSON
Yeah, does he have Bonzo?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I would consider that-
ED LARSON
If he's got Bonzo, we're talking a whole other fight here.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because then we're talking about Mothman vs Reagan and a chimp.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually also wonder if Mothman...
MARCUS PARKS
What's Mothman's attack?
ED LARSON
He flies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not taking him as a half psychic creature here, this is him as a full bodied cryptid.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And Mothman is, as we know, he's muscled up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's jacked.
MARCUS PARKS
So it's a fist fight.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Between Ronald Reagan and a chimp.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Vs Mothman.
ED LARSON
Damn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, the chimp. The chimp sets it over the edge.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you still, Ronald Reagan-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, here-
MARCUS PARKS
It's '78, he's still pretty old.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm looking at this right now. All right, so he did avoid, they were trying to call him a draft dodger so he did go. His problem truly, it says here the main problem was that he was nearsighted. But I feel like if it flashes him with his red eyes-
ED LARSON
Well that might help him because he wouldn't be scared of the sight of the monster.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If Mothman kills the chimp first, Ronald Reagan is fucked.
ED LARSON
What about Secret Service?
MARCUS PARKS
he was Governor then. No Secret Service yet.
ED LARSON
But he's got protection.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's got like a detail.
ED LARSON
And we know his detail, they're slacking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also yeah, I still think that Mothman beats Reagan and the monkey. I think that he's too strong. I think that if he gets rid of the monkey, then it's fine. Let's say he goes, he feeds into Ronald Reagan's confidence about the American infrastructure.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mothman knows every single bridge, highway that's got a problem. He knows like when traffic lights are out, he knows when like... He's a civil engineer. He knows what's going on. So he takes Ronald Reagan to an area where he knows that like maybe there's been a lot of fracking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(old man voice) And Ronald Reagan and the chimp are expecting to be in this fight. But he's just being like oh but don't worry, Bonzo, this is some fine American road work we're working on here.
MARCUS PARKS
Your Reagan's impeccable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the Mothman like leading them out to go to the fight, it takes them across a rickety old bridge that he knows is gonna collapse. And the bridge collapses, kills Ronald Reagan and the chimp.
ED LARSON
But what about the Mothman? Or the Mothman can fly?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the Mothman can fly.
ED LARSON
I think with all the... Because we gotta remember Reagan crippled the mental health community.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
He took 500,000 beds and released them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So 500 mentally unbalanced people-
ED LARSON
500,000!
MARCUS PARKS
500,000.00
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Had been kicked out of... So if we include the mentally ill people that were kicked out of the institution system.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When Ronald Reagan shut it down-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When did he shut it down?
ED LARSON
I think when he was president.
MARCUS PARKS
When he was president, yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, this is before.
ED LARSON
This is pre.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, this is pre. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was just the president of SAG. I was looking at this now, what is he gonna do? Have fucking Bob Hope?
MARCUS PARKS
At the end of the day though, I think that Mothman just flies up to Ronald Reagan and strangles him to death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
But what about the chimp?
MARCUS PARKS
Well I think that Mothman can hold him-
ED LARSON
The chimp can rip his wings off.
MARCUS PARKS
But he grabs Reagan by the neck and just flies up in the air 4 feet.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, chimp can't get at him.
MARCUS PARKS
And then the chimp's out of his reach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What if the chimp hates Ronald?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What if you find out in the very end the chimp is like honestly, full English, just like this, I just want to say, yeah, I'm a talking monkey. First of all, I don't even wanna get into that. Second of all, I didn't like working for this guy anyway.
ED LARSON
Mothman's in the trees. Isn't he usually like flying through the trees?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, he stands around.
ED LARSON
The chimp can keep going.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He stands in a field. I could see the cimp being like now this actually frees me up, I can go take that job at Neverland Ranch.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. That's interesting. Yeah, Bedtime for Bonzo-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bedtime for Bonzo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Bonzo Goes to Bitburg, that was the Ramones song. They had a sequel called Bonzo Goes to College but there were no original actors, the ones that were originally in the whole thing. Peggy, who also appears... Like I gotta see who is this Peggy person.
ED LARSON
Hold on. So are we saying that Bonzo is well educated?
MARCUS PARKS
Bonzo went to college.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's got more education than a lot of people in this country.
ED LARSON
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
ED LARSON
I think there's a chance Bonzo takes out the fucking Mothman.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. Well let's say this though, this is an interesting addition. Bedtime for Bonzo, that starred a chimp named Peggy. But unfortunately in 1951 Peggy died in a fire.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!
MARCUS PARKS
So they had a different chimpanzee for Bonzo Goes to College.
ED LARSON
Okay. A younger, stronger-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stronger one.
ED LARSON
Fire retardant.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, fire retardant. Yeah, it's different.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I still think Mothman takes it.
MARCUS PARKS
I think Mothman takes it, yeah. Mothman takes it. And so we have on the western bracket, let's go through these lineups. We have Godzilla vs 300 birds. Killdozer/Pazuzu vs Mothman. So that's gonna be by far the most interesting of these lineups. But on the other side we have an interesting lineup here. We have Xenu vs Anton, No Country for Old Men. And this one, I think this is gonna be the battle that everyone's gonna be talking about, I think this is gonna be battle of the titans. Xenomorph vs Pumpkinhead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's bounce through a couple of these because we already know. All right? We kinda know unfortunately... We know Godzilla's gonna beat these birds.
ED LARSON
Yeah, Godzilla's taking out the birds.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know. Because again, you gotta go for the eyes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just think Godzilla-
ED LARSON
I don't think Godzilla needs eyes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't think Godzilla... We shoot Godzilla literally with artillery weapons and he continues to live. I think Godzilla's gotta... Unfortunately there's no way, there's no mind Olympics we're gonna go that's gonna let the birds win Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. Fine, all right. Godzilla takes it over 300 birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that that's where we start.
ED LARSON
Caw-caw!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that's where we start.
ED LARSON
Yeah. For sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because there's a couple of these, we're gonna get into some of these that are longer, more drawn out fights.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course. So Xenu vs Anton. Who's winning that one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's gotta be Xenu.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's Xenu too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because again, we're looking at massive firepower here. I think Anton Chigurh is totally fine against a bunch of little dolls. But I think once you're up against the guy that inspired LRH-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that destroyed billions of people with hydrogen bombs, he has his own volcano. I think it's just difficult. I think that if he was hired to fight, unfortunately I think if Anton Chigurh was hired to kill Xenu, Scientology would get involved in the litigation side and eventually Anton Chigurh would be so drained, his funds would be so drained, he wouldn't even be able to get to the fight.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well he's got to get a spaceship.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Well if Xenu came down-
MARCUS PARKS
He's gotta get in a DC-8. A golden DC-8.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Unless Xenu comes down to met Anton Chigurh. But still, Anton Chigurh, you gotta buy bullets. He has to buy compression air for the fucking cattle killing... Like we're thinking about like they drink your milkshake.
MARCUS PARKS
The economics.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how Scientology... We have to think about the economics.
ED LARSON
Now I have a question though before we move any further. Now Battlefield Earth, is John Travolta Xenu?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
Okay. Because if he was, I'm giving it to Chigurh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's an allegorical tale-
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
About the-
MARCUS PARKS
Leverage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Leverage. And the morality of Scientology.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Unfortunately, as much as I want Anton Chigurh to win, I think Xenu really has this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I think Xenu takes it, yeah. So next up. Now this is a big battle here. Xenomorph vs Pumpkinhead. I'm saying right off the bat, my pick, Xenomorph.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unfortunately.
ED LARSON
I really want Pumpkinhead to take this but I don't think there's much of a chance. It's too fast.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just don't know how-
ED LARSON
Pumpkinhead's like slow and like it takes a while to move. He's got really long arms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But what if Sigourney Weaver was the one who unleashed... I guess it's adding somebody to the fight.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That's adding somebody to the fight, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sigourney Weaver.
ED LARSON
And she's not in his world.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
She's not in Pumpkinhead's world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No but I'm saying Pumpkinhead, now everybody's in this world.
ED LARSON
Okay, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I view it as whoever calls, like who's calling Pumpkinhead to go against the xenomorphs? ET?
ED LARSON
I mean maybe. ET vs... I mean oof.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we still haven't, that's all a pitch I've been making about I want to see the warrior class on the ET planet. And what's that like.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Because he was a child, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And what's the warrior class like?
ED LARSON
They can heal, we know that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We know that. But also I imagine they have a bunch of other weird crazy powers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I don't know what that is. But again, that's not what discussion we're having here, this entire side thing that I'm making up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Can't ET fly or levitate?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He can do a lot I guess.
MARCUS PARKS
I seem to remember-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he makes the boy fly.
ED LARSON
The bikes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He makes the boys fly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah so by extension he can make himself fly.
ED LARSON
As long as he's like on something. He can make a table fly but he can't make himself fly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But can he make a... What is it?
MARCUS PARKS
Butterfly?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, is that from the... Yeah, I don't know.
ED LARSON
I mean I think as much as I love Pumpkinhead, I don't think he has a chance against the xenomorph.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think so either.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unfortunately. And I love Pumpkinhead. Pumpkinhead I've been championing, each one of these I absolutely love. But again, I don't know who's gonna say what amount of vengeance would allow him to beat a mama xenomorph. Because I think a mom xenomorph is just... Machinery-
MARCUS PARKS
Oh we're not even talking about a mama xenomorph, this is just your regular, this is Alien 1.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Foot soldier xenomorph.
MARCUS PARKS
This is Alien 1 xenomorph. Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that was a baby.
MARCUS PARKS
No, that one was full.
ED LARSON
No, the baby was the thing that popped out of the guy's chest.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the facehugger. Well there's the facehuggers and then... Cause they grow so fast.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Imagine fucking a fucking Alien xenomorph popping out of Pumpkinhead's chest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fucking sweet! Just for that reason alone he wins.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's it. So Xenomorph goes ahead. So the final four on the eastern side, we got Xenu vs xenomorph.
ED LARSON
X vs X.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the very end? This is the championship?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
We still have one more... We actually have three more to go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Actually four more to go because we're gonna have to get to the final two.
ED LARSON
At least. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So this next one up, to see who is in the western finals. Killdozer/Pazuzu vs Mothman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that Killdozer/Pazuzu takes it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I think so too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you have completely unpredictable, now he has devil powers. He's moving things around.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The only thing that-
ED LARSON
Killdozer ain't a Pontiac.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's usually what Mothman's going against.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The closest thing I would say is if Killdozer is bogged down by the same infrastructure attack that Mothman does. But now you have Marvin Heemeyer fueled by the power of the devil himself fighting Mothman, hand to hand combat. I think he still takes it.
MARCUS PARKS
I think so too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he's powered by Pazuzu. That is probably the very kind of silhouette that Pazuzu as an entity is even projected from.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think that Mothman's gonna be able to get inside the Killdozer in the first place.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I think that the Killdozer-
MARCUS PARKS
He's a moth. Moths just bump off things.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It'll bounce off the thing.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then all he has to do is-
ED LARSON
If it was the van from Dumb and Dumber, the Mothman would have a chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also if he sets a fire some other place, moths are attracted. Right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He goes to that thing. Like it depends on how because Marvin Heemeyer is clever on his own.
MARCUS PARKS
He is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But if he's fueled by Pazuzu, he could really know what he's doing. And he could get him over there, he makes Mothman gets his back turned. He's looking at the fire because he's mesmerized by it. Killdozer clips him.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
ED LARSON
Done.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
Killdozer/Pazuzu.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Pazuzu kind of got the one off on that. It just got to chill.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
He really did. But Pazuzu is gonna be working real hard in the western conference finals vs Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh.
ED LARSON
Ooh! All right. What's the final four here?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the final four is Xenu vs Xenomorph and Godzilla vs Killdozer/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Damn.
ED LARSON
Very science fiction-y.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very science fiction-y.
MARCUS PARKS
Very science fiction-y. Yeah. It's almost all science fiction except for Killdozer/Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. So.
ED LARSON
Xenomorph vs Xenu. This is a big one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hand to hand combat.
ED LARSON
It's also Xenu's big thing, like one of the reasons I feel like Anton Chigurh couldn't fucking go after Xenu was because Xenu was already in space and how is Anton Chigurh gonna get in space?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Xenomorph, fucking already.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Xenomorph knows how to get there because the xenomorph, a facehugger just climbs the ladder until they get into space.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And Xenu is himself a leader and a dictator. But what is his hand to hand fighting experience like? I think probably in his ancient times, he probably had to be a pretty strong hand to hand combat fighter in order to instill the respect it would take the rest of his legions to-
MARCUS PARKS
Like a Genghis Khan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Just like Genghis Khan.
MARCUS PARKS
Genghis.
ED LARSON
Jenga Khan. Then it all falls down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's how it goes. But I feel like, so he might have some prowess. If there was anybody that would have experience fighting something like a xenomorph it would be Xenu because he has gone from planet to planet destroying and conquering. Thing is, so has a xenomorph.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Xenomorph is not an animal.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like the xenomorph is yes, it's more animal-like-
ED LARSON
It's a killing machine.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the ultimate killing machine. It's the ultimate predator.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's also a society. So they have intercommunication. It's not just like a dumb beast, it's this thing that has a cunning.
MARCUS PARKS
Hive mind.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So Xenu, let's say all right now he's destroyed two victims, he's destroyed two people with his hydrogen bombs and his volcanoes. Let's just say honestly it gets down to it where he does the thing where he's just like (lisping) everybody back off! This is time for me to handle the Xenomorph myself.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? And so they're all like-
ED LARSON
You can't use the bomb because they're in space.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
So he'd kill himself if he used the bomb.
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so he comes in, I see him with a lance. Just being like (lisping) I'll tell you what, xenomorph. There's a lot of people that have said that you're tough stuff. But I'll tell you what, you've never met big daddy Xenu before. Right?
ED LARSON
Is this Saddam Hussein from Hot Shots? Is that what you're doing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so Alien and him, hand to hand combat. He's like (lisping) back off! Back off! I'm feeling myself! But I still think that the xenomorph takes Xenu.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In hand to hand combat.
ED LARSON
I think we're all on the same page here.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. We're all on the same page. Xenomorph goes to the finals.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Woo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Wow. We're gonna get sued for this. We're gonna get sued. But I'll take it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And in the western conference finals, the other half of the final four, it's Godzilla vs Killdozer/Pazuzu.
ED LARSON
I feel like Killdozer/Pazuzu doesn't stand a chance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We all know.
ED LARSON
Multiple tanks, battleships. Godzilla throws battleships.
MARCUS PARKS
But there is the power of the devil involved.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then he destroys-
ED LARSON
Does Godzilla have a soul?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
That's a whole other question.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he destroys... So Marvin Heemeyer as Pazuzu knows in his head, I'm Pazuzu.
MARCUS PARKS
And let's define our Godzilla here. I think we need to define it for the first time. 1954 Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
We're talking original Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Erect, standing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Erect, standing. Yeah.
ED LARSON
Not agile in any way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
T-Rex arms Godzilla.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And his spines light up and he breathes fire and he walks around and he's amphibious. So that's the Godzilla we're dealing with here. And not massive, massive, massive, just like regular Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right.
ED LARSON
But he still breaks buildings apart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's far larger than the Killdozer. But Marvin Heemeyer in his head as Pazuzu is like well the devil, of course the devil wants Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he's thinking in his head, being like once I have the power of Godzilla, then finally, finally I can go blow up the Vatican.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? He's so excited to do it. But then the problem is that I think what you're saying is the key here. Marvin Heemeyer rolls in on the Killdozer straight up at Godzilla, assuming he'll even kill me and I'm gonna jump into the... Pazuzu.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that that's the problem is that Pazuzu, like he rolls in, Godzilla (screeches) lights him up, shoots him with the lasers.
ED LARSON
Steps on him, whatever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Gets rid of him. Pazuzu pops out like yes, now it's my time! And then he goes up to Godzilla and there ain't nothing to go into.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he's like no! And he's back in hell.
ED LARSON
Also the birds we talked about pecked out Godzilla's eyes. So there's no entry point for Pazuzu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's no entry for Pazuzu.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That's true. That is absolutely true.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I think he kills the devil. I think Godzilla kills the devil.
ED LARSON
Wow!
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
ED LARSON
This is wild.
MARCUS PARKS
This is what happens every March Madness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you never know.
MARCUS PARKS
The world is thrown into incredible chaos every March.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Every March the world has to put everything together.
MARCUS PARKS
And we have to spend the entire year rebuilding for the next March Madness.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like oh god, it's already happening again?
MARCUS PARKS
It's true madness.
ED LARSON
Oh my god. So I mean honestly though, shoutout to Killdozer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You held it strong.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was strong as fuck. That's what he wished would have happened.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That was a really strong showing.
ED LARSON
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
And so these finals, there's no underdogs here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
This is kinda the ones that you expected to make it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
This is like Michigan with what was his name? Chris Webber?
ED LARSON
Chris Webber, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Chris Webber.
ED LARSON
The Fab Five.
MARCUS PARKS
This is Fab Five basically. It's a big one.
ED LARSON
And Christian Laettner, Duke.
MARCUS PARKS
That's exactly what I was about to say. Christian Laettner, Duke. That's the matchup that we have right here. We have xenomorph vs Godzilla. And I'm thinking because Godzilla is so massive, is so gigantic, I'm thinking we're gonna have to allow a mama. We're gonna have to allow a war.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like a full xenomorph army and a mama vs Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think, this is gonna be controversial I think to a lot of people, I think army of xenomorphs takes down Godzilla.
ED LARSON
I think it's the only chance of us ever defeating Godzilla.
MARCUS PARKS
I think so too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I feel like-
ED LARSON
But then our world is taken over by Xenomorphs.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, no, no, it's a choice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We actually weirdly, we should be rooting as a human race-
ED LARSON
For Godzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Because Godzilla goes to sleep.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's is true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Godzilla gets done.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean well that is the plot of most Godzilla movies after the original Godzilla is a new monster comes and they have to convince Godzilla-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To kill the monster.
MARCUS PARKS
To help out with them. Because yeah, remember Ghidorah, the three-headed monster? That too Godzilla and Mothra.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So if we're allowing the xenomorphs to arrive with multiple people, is Mecha Godzilla not in play?
MARCUS PARKS
Ooh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because Mechagodzilla was made by man.
MARCUS PARKS
I think we can allow in Mothra because in the past, I don't know if the Mechagodzilla-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Didn't they build Mechagodzilla to fight Godzilla?
MARCUS PARKS
I think so. And I know there was this incredible Godzilla comic book that came out a couple of years ago in which they did build Mechagodzilla to go up against Godzilla. I think they did. But in the movies, in Godzilla vs Ghidorah, the three-headed monster-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Godzilla and Mothra did work together as a team. So I think if we're gonna allow Godzilla to have a teammate in any point, it's gotta be Mothra.
ED LARSON
And how about Kong?
MARCUS PARKS
Kong and Godzilla are natural enemies.
ED LARSON
But not anymore, they're fucking buddy cops in the new movie. It's gonna be amazing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But we're not there yet.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're not there yet. Because remember we're talking 1954 Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And Godzilla and Mothra-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what we'll do?
ED LARSON
I also don't think Kong's doing much against a bunch of xenomorphs either.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Next year we'll bring in even more real life guys. Like maybe next year what we'll do is we'll go small.
MARCUS PARKS
Ah, it's Ghidorah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And this is the big one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, King Ghidorah. That was Godzilla... No wait, that was 1991. There's so many Godzilla movies!
ED LARSON
There's at least 25.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So like what does he get to have? So I guess honestly if it's an army of xenomorphs with Godzilla and human armed forces across the globe.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like lest say that's what it is.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If it's a war for the very planet Earth itself.
ED LARSON
But Godzilla might kill the humans even if they're on Godzilla's side.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But eventually Godzilla quits and goes home.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That is true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you wanna help Godzilla.
MARCUS PARKS
Godzilla definitely does give up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like that's the thing, Godzilla does after a little...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He gets tired!
MARCUS PARKS
He gets tired, he goes back to the water, he rests, and then he comes back. That's the thing, by the time he comes back, the xenomorphs will have completely annihilated the forces of humankind.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unless we use our arsenal against the xenomorphs.
ED LARSON
If we nuke the xenomorphs-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or we nuke Godzilla-
ED LARSON
It will make Godzilla stronger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If we nuke Godzilla, he does that thing where he blows up like in Godzilla Minus One.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Godzilla could beat the xenomorph army if he's superpowered Godzilla.
ED LARSON
If he got the ray off with good aim.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And take out the mama. Cause you gotta take out the mama because the mama is the hardest one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I think Godzilla has a chance but an army of xenomorphs just seems so unstoppable to me.
MARCUS PARKS
It really seems the same to me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean they've conquered world after world after world.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But have they ever had the power of Bill Pullman doing a speech at the front of everybody, being like you guys ready to kill some aliens today? And everyone's like yeah! Yeah! And then you have fucking again, SEAL Team Six.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh SEAL Team Six is gonna fucking just get absolutely murdered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just saying they're there.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because I mean remember, SEAL Team Six, if you wanna do like a side battle, SEAL Team Six vs the Space Marines, I think the Space Marines take it.
ED LARSON
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or the Space Marines are in the story.
MARCUS PARKS
Vasquez?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So what's this final decision, guys? What's this decision? Because I know it's difficult and we've added a lot of factors that were there to begin with.
MARCUS PARKS
But I'm gonna go with xenomorphs. Earth loses.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
If it was one xenomorph-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, of course.
ED LARSON
Godzilla would kill it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well of course.
ED LARSON
Godzilla would eat it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean Godzilla is Godzilla, we gotta handicap Godzilla.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I think unfortunately we do have to handicap Godzilla. I think that an army of xenomorphs, if we're not helping, they beat Godzilla.
ED LARSON
If Mechagodzilla is with Godzilla-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They win.
ED LARSON
I don't think the xenomorphs could take out Mechagodzilla.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
I think the xenomorphs can climb-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well how long before we get Mechagodzilla? Or do we just have to include Mechagodzilla next time?
MARCUS PARKS
I think the xenomorphs would more easily beat Mechagodzilla because they could just climb up and swarm Mechagodzilla and they could rip off whatever hatch-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All the protective armor.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Whatever hatch that let's the humans in. And they'd just go and devour the humans. I think they take down Mechagodzilla easier.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah. They're good at getting in spaceships and shit.
MARCUS PARKS
They're really good at getting in shit. Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you're right. Your right.
MARCUS PARKS
You can't keep the xenomorph out. Mothra would I think propose a bit of a challenge for them.
ED LARSON
So did the xenomorphs win?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think the xenomorphs win.
MARCUS PARKS
The xenomorphs win.
ED LARSON
Wow! Hit the music! Oh my god, xenomorphs taking it with the championship!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And absolutely-
ED LARSON
The confetti is flying!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(sports announcer voice) A stunning Thursday. I can't believe it. Xenomorphs take it all.
MARCUS PARKS
(sports announcer voice) The xenomorphs, they were one of the favorites in the beginning and I think that they're gonna be taking over the entire planet. And sometime next month you and your entire family will be wearing a facehugger.
ED LARSON
That's right. That is the nail in the coffin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All I gotta say is I welcome our new xenomorph lords and maybe I please serve you in any way possible?
MARCUS PARKS
Unfortunately the xenomorphs have no use for any species besides themselves, their only goal is to kill, kill, kill. And I think that's gonna be the future that we all have to look forward to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, I've got a cavernous butthole ready for your eggs. So come on down to Wimbledon, Massachusetts-
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And meet my beautiful wife and family.
ED LARSON
Man, imagine all the xenomorphs that would pile out of Godzilla.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh fuck.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We are in for a shit show. But what a fun afternoon it has been, fellas.
ED LARSON
(screeching)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Uh oh, it's time for a word from our sponsor.
ED LARSON
Caw-caw! Hi, are you a bunch of birds?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow. Really great, really fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, really fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think we all learned a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
We really did. We learned so much about birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We learned a lot about birds.
ED LARSON
Hey man, they made it past the first round.
MARCUS PARKS
They really did. And I did not expect the birds to make it. When you first suggested the birds, I didn't expect the birds to make it past the first round. This is like when Texas Tech like made it to the end, everyone was like oh my fucking god. Anytime Texas Tech makes it past the first round, everyone is really excited. But when they made it to the end, that was really incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow. Really good work, guys. This was great. Next week we're going to be back with another in depth series that I think... What I like about this one is that it's a classic that's gonna make you a worse person.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It really is gonna make you dumber.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're gonna be a more obnoxious person at the end of it, which I'm really excited for.
ED LARSON
I'm excited for it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'll give you a hint. (hissing)
ED LARSON
Okay. Snakes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, go to patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft if you want to see us sweat in this little room. And you can see it, you can join it, you see us live. We've got a bunch of other new stuff coming down the pipe. You're gonna love it. I got a brand new interview with Devil, the real life superhero.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's incredible.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, it's inspiring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Inspiring, people are saying, which is very funny. Then go check out twitch.tv/lpntv, we just did the Tiers of a Clown meat special. We're gonna have a sandwich-off over the summer, Eddie.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, summer ham.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we've decided. And the rules for that is that we each eat sandwiches until one of us have a heart attack. The first one, the goal is the first one to have a heart attack wins.
ED LARSON
Sounds expensive. Oh, wins.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Okay, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then check out LPN Deep Dives Dune. It's on our main feed.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We popped the new review onto the main feed but also go check it out. Dune II is good.
MARCUS PARKS
It's incredible. And don't forget to follow us on the social media.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sosh.
MARCUS PARKS
That would be on our TikTok and our Instagram @lpontheleft. We're gonna be putting a lot of really cool stuff on our Patreon here coming soon. We've been filming a lot of behind the scenes footage this week and we're gonna be putting that on Patreon here very, very soon. We can't wait for y'all to see it. And to get a little peek into the lives of the LPN crew and how we run this fucking thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's been such a cool week at the office, by the way. We had everyone come in from out of town.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been awesome.
ED LARSON
We had Jake in, Maddie and Michelle, Ken. Shoutout to all of them for coming out to LA and making the office a fun place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so fun, I love being here. And it's nice. It feels like we got new energy and new direction.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're having a good time. So hail sweet Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail Ripley.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Ripley.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. That's who we need.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I once saw live screening of Aliens and Sigourney Weaver showed up and was just incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In person she must be gorgeous.
MARCUS PARKS
She is a presence, like an absolute presence.
ED LARSON
Yeah, absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
And when a fucking nerd asked her an Alien vs Predator question, the withering stare that she gave him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. So did you feel that in AVP that they felt that there was sort of a correct representation of the xenomorph exoskeleton?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And I think her answer was I have absolutely no interest in answering that question.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm sorry, Ms. Weaver. I'm sorry, Ms. Weaver.
MARCUS PARKS
And it wasn't mean, like everyone agreed with her in the room.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She is an angelic presence.
ED LARSON
And she's gonna take over for Richard Attenborough when he dies. You watch, I'm calling it now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
Well she already did the Planet Earth a long time ago, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, that's what we're saying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right, bye everybody!
ED LARSON
Goodbye.
MARCUS PARKS
Bye.