HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna have a lot of thoughts here.
BEN KISSEL
I hope so actually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You really should. This is a thoughtful Relaxed Fit episode.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay. Thoughtful.
MARCUS PARKS
I have put a lot of thought into what I'm gonna say today.
BEN KISSEL
I don't know if that means it's going to be thoughtful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't put a thought into what we're saying today but as is tradition, it's not normally tradition, it's something that could actually happen.
BEN KISSEL
Tradition!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tradition! Tradition! I'm real hungover for a creepypasta episode.
BEN KISSEL
Same here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which I think is great.
MARCUS PARKS
Great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're in the pocket feeling salty. There's a bit of a chickeny broth that is forming underneath my tits which I think is good, setting the atmosphere where I'm just gonna bust right now, we're doing fucking creepypasta because that's what we decided to do.
BEN KISSEL
There it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a bridge between one series that was involved and then the next series is gonna be even more involved. So what we're gonna do right now is sit here in the valley of thoughts.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And while we're here in the valley of thoughts, just kind of thinking like did I leave the iron on?
BEN KISSEL
I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy. I gotta go to the bathroom!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will turn this car around! What I'd like you to do is that if you're home right now-
BEN KISSEL
Are you going to do this in the preamble?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah I'm doing it right now, I'm doing it before we start.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh and this is Last Podcast on the Left by the way.
BEN KISSEL
No we haven't done that yet. But he wants to do this before we start.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna do this before we start.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. Before we start, okay. I'm sorry, I don't mean to jump the gun like so much Children of Thunder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's so many thoughts for today.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My favorite thing is the third bowl of the day.
BEN KISSEL
Right, of cereal or of weed?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Weed.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because third bowl of cereal of the day, that's dinner. But I sit at home sometimes because that first bowl, what I do sometimes especially at home during a weekend, if I got nothing to do. Like especially today, quit everything that you're involved in before you listen to this episode.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Quit your job.
BEN KISSEL
Unless you're a surgeon and there's a need for an amputation that you did say you were going to do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck 'em. That's not you.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That person's not you, okay. Take care of you today, all right? Fucking leave your husband.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right now, I want you to walk in the other room. If your husband's in the other room, walk into the room and be like, 'We're divorced for the next hour because I have to be single and alone with nothing else going on to listen to this episode.'
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
You gotta say 'We are divorced' three times. I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you. Three times. You're done.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it to break the marriage spell.
BEN KISSEL
Makes it legal, okay. Keep on guac-ing in the free world. People are about to go crazy out here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I like to smoke my first bowl on a weekend and that's when the dump comes, right.
BEN KISSEL
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I take one big dump and that's more about setting the tone, emptying out, getting clean.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Second bowl is all for I am on hour two of a documentary about child murderers, I'm trying to get in the zone.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's really finally by bowl three that you're properly scared of yourself.
BEN KISSEL
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think it's an important place to be in. Like last night I'm pretty certain I saw a full apparition walk past me behind me in the mirror and I do believe honestly that it is not a ghost or anything like that.
BEN KISSEL
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe it was a cloud in my brain that passed past my eyeballs.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it could be. A trail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think that's where we need to be because the thoughts today are going to be so overboard, we're gonna be so out of pocket that you're going to need to be there, scared of your own shoes.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. All right. Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, hopefully you're aptly stoned. I am Ben hanging out with Marcus and Henry, that's right, we're doing macabre macaroni, spooky spaghetti today. It's all carbs which isn't that the biggest fear of all?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, I hate that. That's what happens, I gotta earn my points.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But guys, today is too, yes we've said before creepypastas, oh why are we doing this? All right. I will definitely say the quality of creepypasta not necessarily has gone up since we last did one.
BEN KISSEL
Well I think we put this caveat on every episode that we do a creepypasta.
MARCUS PARKS
I'll tell you this, I found a well of wonderful creepypasta from way back in the golden age between 2012-2014. So I've got some real dumb bullshit coming for y'all today.
BEN KISSEL
Well Mr. Parks, much like the girl from The Ring coming out of said well soaking wet and ready to horrify us, would you like to begin?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please.
MARCUS PARKS
I would love to begin.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
With a story called Turbo Lovers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! (singing) I'm your turbo lover!
BEN KISSEL
Turbo. Good for NASCAR, F1 racing, but when it comes to sex do you want a turbo lover?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They call it a power bottom for a reason.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, this was submitted to a website called bogleech.com by a man who said that his name was Thomas F. Johnson which is the most fake name I've ever heard in my life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. He's the Canadian serial killer, that one man who put all the men in the flowerpots.
BEN KISSEL
Oh yes, indeed. McArthur I believe.
MARCUS PARKS
"The car's headlights illuminate the sign on the metal fence. I exit the car. The night is black and bone dry."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Bone lover!
MARCUS PARKS
"I walk along the fence to the place where the wires are frayed enough to crawl through. I see a few other cars as I do so. I smell the scent of oil and musk as I push myself through the frayed wires along with a bit of blood. They are ready and they are stirring. My heart beats in a steady manic tempo as the boneyard stretches around, the skeletons of rusting metal and dripping fuel, the behemoth turbines in this liminal jungle of things that once flew, stilled and silent."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
"Unless you know what to look for."
BEN KISSEL
Also if you do find yourself at the boneyard, try the hamburgers on Tuesday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is good.
BEN KISSEL
Really good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very good.
MARCUS PARKS
"I am an epicurean. I can hear the sounds of a mechanism in heat. I see one softly breathing, gleams of chrome pulsing beneath the chipped rust. If one was untrained, ill informed, they would mistake it for just another decaying aerial mechanism but I would not be so crass."
BEN KISSEL
I'm speculating that Thomas F. Johnson might be Jay Leno's pen name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He might be, yes. True car lover.
MARCUS PARKS
He's talking about airplanes, not cars.
BEN KISSEL
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. More of a John Travolta or Harrison Ford, men who love their airplanes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
"I enter them and I feel their warmth amidst their pulsing corpus, that wet, oily heat. Few sensations can surpass it. I make my entrance to the cockpit and I see the pattern tangles of wire and oil and the throne of flesh and steel. I enter the throne. It is enrapturous to see them awaken, I can feel the shudder of metal coming to life, sinuous forms moving and popping to life. I embrace the tendrils of wire and sinew as they enter me. I feel the oil enter me, enter them, enter us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tetsuo: The Iron Man!
BEN KISSEL
Is this about 9/11? What's going on?
MARCUS PARKS
"I can feel are sinuous merger of flesh and mechanism, the sleek form of the aerial predator ascending from crawling like beasts to waking like gods."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is cool.
MARCUS PARKS
"Our claws are shining, our teeth are sharp. Oil drips down our curves, both shiny and corroded. I see others moving in the distance. I do not know who they are."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You fucking planes too? Yeah, me too! Good to see ya, I can't believe I haven't seen you before!
BEN KISSEL
It's kind of crazy, right? It's a small community.
MARCUS PARKS
"I do not know what brings them here, all I know is I must kill them."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
BEN KISSEL
Wait, what buddy? It's the plane orgy, dude. what are you doing, man?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought we were all chill here!
BEN KISSEL
Come on.
MARCUS PARKS
"I see them ascend as we do. And I see them shine as we do as I rip into them in the glittered skies. We scream, we howl, we roar as we fight and lust and well consume is such a course word for it. It is a thing far more beautiful, far too beautiful to ever want to stop."
BEN KISSEL
This is the first time I've ever wanted to have video content.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah so you could see his face.
BEN KISSEL
Because Marcus is so into this story it's amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
"Have you ever taken another being's body into yours? Wrapped their machina into your systems as you eviscerate their tubes and wires and flesh with dazzling talons and let them sink and become as with you?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
"It is exquisite."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"It is rapturous."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
"It is unknown by others except us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You want a scone or something? You want me to war that for you?
MARCUS PARKS
"Those who rip and tear as beasts and gods wrapped by only the wind and our activism. When the first dawn lights come we know this must end. The metal skeletons drop from their rapture of the air as they descend with grace. They crawl off as we demerge. They will be back next time as will I, I think to myself as I am reborn from the mouth of the mechanism, oily and nude. I walk back to the car. There are none who will see me and none who will know my pleasures."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I see you, buddy! But it's cool! I was with you, you saw me, I was the other guy humping the plane.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's fine. Yeah, we're members of the shortlist of plane fuckers.
MARCUS PARKS
"You may think this may be my shame, my slavery, but it is the one time where life has true meaning. I hear the singular final howl as I walk away. Do not judge us for what we do for you do not understand the truth of it. But on a night such as this we invite you join us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Join us.
MARCUS PARKS
"Join with us, join with them."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck the planes!
BEN KISSEL
I don't know man, I'm not sure dude. I just feel like...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If I was that junkyard owner I'd be really pissed.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Hey, stop fucking all the spare parts!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I definitely would rent it. I would say hey, if you want to be doing this I need to be making money off of this.
MARCUS PARKS
Did you guys get the subtext that he had also turned into a dragon?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sort of, yes.
BEN KISSEL
No, I did not get that. No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think he thought of himself as a dragon which I also love again.
BEN KISSEL
Why would a dragon take a plane? They have wings, they can fly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A dragon could be a thing of the sky, you could think of a plane. If you're trying to fuck a dragon, fucking a plane is actually a lot closer than fucking a lizard.
MARCUS PARKS
Think of a plane like a dragon's fleshlight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Because they've got wings, similar body structures, you could fuck it. Either way there's also some vore in there as well, consuming, eating.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There is. Very much so. Being inside of it. And whatever it is, this guy, dragon or not, he's got to get back to work at the Walgreens at 6am. So he's opening.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed. I think Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin from Coldplay, they demerged.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Demerged.
BEN KISSEL
At some point as well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The term 'demerged' is just...
BEN KISSEL
We demerged. When you guys are making love to your wives after the conclusion, time to demerge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Demerge. Ugh.
BEN KISSEL
They're gonna love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I jump back. I jump back from her.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. Demerge!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Demerge!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm really glad we started like this.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. It was a little saucy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I'm sick. I actually feel nauseous. So I'm glad that we started there.
MARCUS PARKS
Good, good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Did you see Titane?
MARCUS PARKS
Titane? No, I did not see Tite. It's on my list. I hear it's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Talk about if you wanna see the actual like what it's like, besides this and the movie Crash, you ever seen the movie Crash?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I've seen Crash. Yeah. The good Crash, not the bad Crash.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the good Crash, the Cronenberg Crash where they get sexually obsessed with the car crashes and then the one dude fucks the other woman in her wound.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness! Now that couldn't be good for the wound.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No but it was good for the guy.
BEN KISSEL
I guess.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He liked it.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were crying too though.
BEN KISSEL
Strange, love is so strange.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Love is complicated.
BEN KISSEL
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
Love is strange as the song says, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes. So now this next song-
BEN KISSEL
Creepypasta. That was a bit of a hangover talk there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Help me. Help me. This next one is the closest I have to something that could be considered scary.
BEN KISSEL
Okay!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also this is a note to the editor, with Marcus' story, we need some lusty sax in there.
BEN KISSEL
Oh perhaps.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
BEN KISSEL
You think sax would be the-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. Kind of a brass section type.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know throughout your whole story, you know what I keep seeing is the scene of what's his butt's playing saxophone from Lost Highway.
BEN KISSEL
Oh, very romantic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That guy, like sexy saxophone. Yeah, dark.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. We'll just call him Stevie Van Sant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Now for this next story, this is the closest thing I have to something that is actually frightening.
BEN KISSEL
Let's get there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This comes from the mind of one of our listeners. He says that he believes that this happened to him.
BEN KISSEL
Okay!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The normal fox, coyote, deer, bear, raccoon and other sounds are terrifying enough in the woods when you're alone, no matter if you've heard them your whole life or not." (weird sounds)
BEN KISSEL
Moo! Moo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm a deer!
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic. This is great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm a deer! Very scary.
BEN KISSEL
Really good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"But even as an experienced solo camper," sad man, "I've been on many occasions-"
MARCUS PARKS
There's nothing sad about solo camping. Solo camping is fine. You're impugning many of our listeners who are solo campers having a wonderful time with it.
BEN KISSEL
Part of camping is the communal aspect of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how I view it. You have to be blackout drunk to camp.
BEN KISSEL
Otherwise you're just homeless.
MARCUS PARKS
For me it's about the nature, it's about the hikes, it's about the walks, it's about communing.
BEN KISSEL
Wait a second, hold on a second. When do you go solo camping?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't go solo camping, I'm just saying camping in general. My thing is more the nature, the communal nature, the hiking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Your wife, the love you have in your life refuses to allow you to solo camp because why would you camp without them? Cause it means you're no alone like this man is.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I have solo camped on many occasions, woken up two voices or very identifiable footsteps right next to me when I am alone. Now of course it's easy to explain these things by being on edge, for being alone, or the human mind's tendency to fill in gaps in socializing in silence. But when you experience it yourself alone in the woods and it's 3am, and the coal has died out hours ago-"
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And you're in a hammock solo camping," still really stressing how alone he is. "With no wind stirring."
BEN KISSEL
It's a little lonely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"With not even a rain tarp between you and the dark forest around you, it doesn't matter if it's real or not. It will scare you and it will change you."
BEN KISSEL
The hammock?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The noises.
BEN KISSEL
Oh the noises.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm a deer.
BEN KISSEL
Moo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My most terrifying experiences at camping was a eerily often reported and repeated occurrence with shadow people. Now keep in mind I was born and raised on the land in the woods. I'm a seasoned farmer, solo camper, hiker, survivalist, hunter. Alone, I'm alone. I've always been alone."
BEN KISSEL
Do you camp with any camp partners?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Absolutely not. I only solo camp.
BEN KISSEL
Just solo camping.
MARCUS PARKS
You know you two fucking extroverts, some people are perfectly fine with being alone.
BEN KISSEL
It's a creepypasta, he's not fine, he's about to be murdered. He's gonna get disemboweled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah he's scared, he's scared.
MARCUS PARKS
It just sounds like y'all are throwing a lot of shade on people who like to be alone.
BEN KISSEL
I feel like you are over-defending the solo camper.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now you're gonna eat it.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This solo lonely man was out there, all right.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he said, "I've logged many thousands of hours in the outdoors alone. It wasn't even nighttime. It was about say 8am in the middle of the summer, a beautiful morning. I was clearing dead trees deep in some of the woods I manage on this property. The woods felt like they got eerily silent and I just remember the psychological mood shift that hit me immediately. Like I could literally feel this mood shift slam into me. And suddenly I had all these insane intrusive thoughts about how I didn't belong here, I wasn't supposed to be here, I needed to leave. Not literal voices in my ears but almost literal voices in my head." You gotta get out of here. Get outta here, I'm a deer.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, it's like Randy Orton, he hears voices in his head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I looked around and I swear I saw movement out of the corner of my eye every time I moved, a shadow slipping behind a tree."
BEN KISSEL
Maybe it's one of the friends you're camping with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's alone!
BEN KISSEL
Oh he's alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Every time, every tree. And after a few minutes of this I put my tools down, I gathered myself and I looked down the trail head. And then the shadows weren't slipping behind trees anymore. I swear that there was a crowd of dark, humanesque shadow people standing 40-45 yards from me, maybe even a dozen, maybe two, all heights, 5 foot to 7 foot, like shadows of someone when they stand in front of a car's headlights or the views of a performer on stage lit by a spotlight so brilliantly you only see the vague impression of a dark human shape, not moving, nothing threatening about them except that they don't belong there. But suddenly I was more sure than ever before that I was the only one who didn't belong there. I left my tools on site that day, set them right in the woods, and I left. Slowly, calmly walked out of the woods and didn't stop until I hit the road in my car over a mile later. "
"And maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm sleep deprived or spent too much time alone in the woods but you can think anything you want to. I don't mind, I'm alone. But if you have any hike, any inkling towards believing in anything spiritual or supernatural, maybe you believe me. Maybe you've even seen something like them yourself. I never took that experience personally and I never avoided that area of woods again. I'm convinced something or someone or some people or spirits or creatures were just passing through that day. And I don't own the land, the trees, the woods." Pocahontas taught us that.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Well it also seems like he's trespassing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he's working on the property. "I was here to take care of and experience these things while I'm here. So I welcome them and I hope they got where they're going. But I wouldn't be mad if they never came back."
BEN KISSEL
All right, there you go man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm scared, that kind of creeped me out a little.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's creepy.
BEN KISSEL
I'm thinking about the guy, I can see him chewing on a cigar, telling the story at some version of a Bonnaroo event. And I think yeah, there's something scary there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. People see weird shit out there all the time. I guess that's a part of it, it would be nice to have somebody else there to go like, 'You see that shit?' Or maybe they won't show up if you got fucking Kissel there going like, 'Where are the beer games? Who has the beer games?'
MARCUS PARKS
Are you sure we brought enough beer? I don't know if we brought enough beer.'
BEN KISSEL
We didn't. And we didn't bring enough sandwiches either. Well I think that is just a fantastic story with the shadow people looking at this lonely man, almost like we look at a lonely shark in the aquarium. I wonder if they wondered why he was so alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Alone. Because they had a bunch of friends.
BEN KISSEL
All the shadow people were there and they were just like, 'Look at that loser.'
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's the thing about being alone is that other people just show up and you're fine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah that's true.
MARCUS PARKS
He was like, 'Hey, what's up?'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, what's going on?
MARCUS PARKS
And then you got to figure out a way to get away from them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah dude. I was reading a short story by Gene Wolfe called 'The Death of Doctor Island' and it's all about this concept of you walk out there and you're just alone and then the idea of you meet other psychopaths and the island's talking to you and you're meeting all these psychopaths out there just alone in the woods.
BEN KISSEL
Just a little smiley face on a volleyball and you name it something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, and you're fucking it. You know he fucked it.
BEN KISSEL
Oh of course, Tom Hanks.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he didn't fuck it. It was very rough. Very rough.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sure he rubbed his genitalia on, what did he name it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I would. Wilson.
MARCUS PARKS
Wilson was the name of the ball.
BEN KISSEL
Wilson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I would. If he's your friend.
BEN KISSEL
He put a fucking face on it. What's next? Okay so now this is a creepypasta that I am on the first page of Google, I did so much.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And I want to thank myself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know that we are going to have had read this before probably. I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
We don't know, do we? Now this story is about sitting on a bus and I remember I used to sit on the bus and I would try to say as little words as possible because I was emotionally traumatized.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very scary on a bus. But have you heard that American Airlines is offering this brand new, what they said is it's pretty awesome, talk about scary. Creepy, this is creepy more than anything. They're offering a brand new on the ground experience when you go to the airport and you take a bus. That's very scary.
BEN KISSEL
It's so cool. Alone. Okay so this song, rather this creepypasta, I'm gonna sing it like a song, this spooky macaroni.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do we all keep singing song?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
It's an earworm for the day. I sat on the bus. Okay, here it goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Vroom, vroom, vroom.
BEN KISSEL
No, this is not Wheels On The Bus. This is a man sitting on a bus, a child. "I sat on a bus on my way to school listening to music and paying little to no attention to the other students." We've all been there. "At one of the stops my mind snapped back to reality." (rapping) Snap back to reality, oh there goes rabbities.
MARCUS PARKS
Mom's spaghetti.
BEN KISSEL
Mom's spaghetti.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just fucking get through it. Just get through it.
MARCUS PARKS
Watch your profanity.
BEN KISSEL
Aw. So the guy's on a bus and his mind snapped back to reality. He looked towards the small house, Tommy's house I thought. It must have been where Tommy lived. "A hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. So the bus driver pulled up to Tommy's house and pick him up and then a hand just came out and went like nah, nah.
BEN KISSEL
"I looked toward the small house, Tommy's house I thought. A hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on from the house. From the house."
MARCUS PARKS
From the house.
BEN KISSEL
"He's sick I thought, paying no large amount of attention to the situation. The day flew by."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, I just see you as a 6'7" 12 year old on that bus being like, 'I don't know where Tommy went. Hope he's okay.'
BEN KISSEL
Tommy may have been my only friend. "The day flew by, I watched the local news channel after school and what I heard paralyzed me." He got paralyzed. "Tommy's entire family was murdered that day by an unknown suspect. After hearing this-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, you'd be such a terrifying cop.
BEN KISSEL
"After hearing this, I moved back up to my room and quietly fell asleep. The next day I sat on the bus, we drove past Tommy's house and the bus driver, unaware of Tommy's family's fate, stopped at the house. As I was about to get up and explain to her what had happened, something caught my eye. A pale hand slipped through the drapes of the window and waved the bus driver to move on."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He said that before.
BEN KISSEL
"I sat on the bus terrified."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But it was after the family was dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and he knew he was dead and he saw the hand and thought it's the murderer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Could be the murderer.
MARCUS PARKS
But it's a pale hand so it could be, that sounds like a zombie or a ghost or something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's stupid.
MARCUS PARKS
If it's pale.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why would it be like come get us? The family is dead. The family was dead before I think it's the murderer.
MARCUS PARKS
And the entire family had been murdered that the day before, it would still be a very active crime scene.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, very much so. And a guy's just in there? It was probably the cop saying why are you stopping here?
BEN KISSEL
It was Tommy. Isaac Cook wrote that and Isaac you're just so talented. This had 7.98 out of 10.
MARCUS PARKS
I like it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like it because it's got a twist.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean if you're reading it, just reading it along I would imagine it's a lot creepier than Ben reading it, the voice in my head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His stammering like an old judge talking to his newly revealed to be gay son.
MARCUS PARKS
Halting, commenting on everything.
BEN KISSEL
"I watched the local news channel after school and what I heard paralyzed me, Tommy's entire family was murdered that day." What a fucking day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a day.
BEN KISSEL
What a day! Yes indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Quality.
BEN KISSEL
So Tommy did it. Maybe Tommy did it.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe. I mean there's no word on who did it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's no details.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Something like that. Just the whole family been murdered.
BEN KISSEL
Alright, fantastic. Here we go. Mr. Marcus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Next song! Next song up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Next song. This is a good old track from way back in the day called His Majesty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Submitted by Peter Allen. This one's a little bit longer but I think it's worth it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, okay.
BEN KISSEL
Could be a real name too, Peter Allen maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Sounds very fake, it sounds very, very fake. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It sounds like a man you meet for sex.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. "My arrival at the palace is heralded by a procession of scuttling, hunched figures robed in tattered finery hoisting my banners, playing all assortments of a discordant instruments through their lipless, decaying jaws."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(trumpet sounds)
BEN KISSEL
It is not easy when your horn section has no jaws.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly it hurts so much to put the tuba against my teeth.
BEN KISSEL
It's tough, man. Do you know how to play the piano or anything?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have to deep throat it, I have to put the tuba up against the back of my thigh.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"Behind them I ride in my cabin topped with leathery flags and tarps perched in the crook of my mount's enormous black carapace as it froths at the mouth and lashes its tendrils at the marchers ahead of us."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(heavy metal drumming) This is very Gene Wolfe actually.
BEN KISSEL
It really is.
MARCUS PARKS
"We journey across the wasteland for days on end accompanied always by the constant discordant blaring of the marchers."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(nonsense musical sounds)
BEN KISSEL
What about guitar? Do you think you can do guitar?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at these nubs!
BEN KISSEL
Oh, no.
MARCUS PARKS
"The palace doors tower over us, slowly pulling aside to a hideous grinding noise. The gates lift and the guards are calmed from their frothing rage into allowing us passage to the inner sanctum. The halls now loom over us deathly quiet and dark, stretching beyond what the eye can see in the darkness. Shapes move in the gaps between the stone pillars, vast and indistinct. After marching for hours we arrive at the center, coming upon the court of his majesty himself, seated at their stone desks, squabbling at one another and warped voices, gibbering incoherently, clicking their mandibles and staring from veiled and hooded robes."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(heavy metal drumming)
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god, demon seals. This is crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is fucking sweet, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
"At the center of their assembly his majesty stands draped in jewelry and furs, wrapped in silken robes, waiting patiently for the crowd to settle. As quiet falls and the court assembles, his majesty raises his fifth head to address the audience, speaking in seven separate languages and intonations from each of his mouths."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(guitar riff)
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! Dude's got 5 heads and knows 7 languages?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, dog.
BEN KISSEL
What a hunk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, must have been raised in Europe.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Maybe he's French.
MARCUS PARKS
"His interpreter scrambles around the court, announcing to all that his majesty welcomes the guest to his halls, saying that they are all welcome to his hospitality and they will discuss over a meal provided by him. At this, servants drag in platters full of food and drink with sinewy
roast, segmented legs, and steamed meats served in the shell, slathered with sauces and liquors served from dull brass pots."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll fucking go.
BEN KISSEL
Steamed meats?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's fine. I'll eat it, yeah. It's like a wonton.
MARCUS PARKS
"There is much feasting with goblets overflowing with punch, many varied stews and soups, vegetables."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait a second. You mean to tell me this whole fucking evil army drinks fruit punch?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I'm not liking that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't drink wine or ale?
MARCUS PARKS
It said punch. He didn't say fruit punch, it's just punch. What's the punch made of?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Blood! It's blood!
MARCUS PARKS
Perhaps it is the blood of innocents.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, it's just blood. That's not going to quench your thirst.
MARCUS PARKS
"But as many varied stews and soups, vegetables whose slimy tendrils undulate in sauce."
BEN KISSEL
Did you just search the word tendrils and go from there? Is that what happens?
MARCUS PARKS
"His majesty does not eat, remaining silent in the center of the court. After the leftovers are carried away and his majesty gestures with a hooked claw, he invites us all to stay and see a show in the court."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, fuck yeah. This is fucking awesome.
BEN KISSEL
Bro, this night is getting better and better and better. I love a punch and we just ate some fucking wet meat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm so fucking thankful that Patreon invited us to this get together.
BEN KISSEL
This is great, man.
MARCUS PARKS
"At the piping of the guards I turned to leave, saying my goodbyes in the elder language. They smiled from behind their carapaces, amused by my arrogance. Hours pass in my absence."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hope you enjoyed the evil vegetables. Yummy.
BEN KISSEL
Yes indeed.
MARCUS PARKS
"In the sanctum all is silent. The guards themselves turn to leave, superstition guiding their uneven footfalls on the tiles of the court. They know better than to rouse the elite from their eons-long slumber."
BEN KISSEL
Oh, that's like when you worked with Martin Scorsese and you couldn't wake him up if he was napping.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's in his contract.
MARCUS PARKS
"The world is not yet ready for their return."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
"In the palace the court turns as if to acknowledge an unseen presence, looking out from between the stars. His majesty extends his 17th serrated pincher out of the ornate robe to signal the start of the show."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a lot of sleeves.
BEN KISSEL
Okay so he's got 5 heads and 17 pinchers?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got many things.
BEN KISSEL
Holy hell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes we don't know. As the audience, we are imagining he's a beast. We can't fathom this.
BEN KISSEL
And we're guests so we can't be like, 'Bro, you got a lot of heads.'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nah, I'm eating sinew.
BEN KISSEL
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm having a great time.
MARCUS PARKS
"At the tap-tap-tapping of the conductor's baton, the room falls silent. The curtains float to the sides and one by one the actors take their places on the stage."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If this becomes The Aristocrats, I'm going to applaud you.
MARCUS PARKS
"A hunched figure begins the narration while the veiled audience listens attentively. A great cacophony has heard from the exits and a pale eyeless shape slithers towards the actors rolled in their skin."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm from WMA and WME and I want to sign you!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
"The proceedings are interrupted by the chamberlain loudly complaining about the flatworm that had become lodged in his thorax during the meal and he is subsequently sent to his quarters with a good lashing for all the trouble he has made and is not able to view the rest of the play."
BEN KISSEL
We were eating flatworms, dude?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, bro. Yeah. They just said it was spaghetti but you knew it had to be creepy.
MARCUS PARKS
"After that the evening goes smoothly and I am invited to bed with the court mistress where she makes great use of her chelicerae. Thoroughly tired and beginning to molt, she dozes off to sleep."
BEN KISSEL
(snorting)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
MARCUS PARKS
"I am unable I am unable to get comfortable on the writhing young and instead I opt to fix myself a glass of warm water. But when I arrive at the well-"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the weirdest part.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"Who do I see but the chamberlain. He had apparently snuck out of his chamber dressed in the shed skin of the court mistress who was going through a period of dermal peeling that had left her skin red and sensitive. I voiced my opinion that this is very inconsiderate to her skin mites but he responds that he makes a better home for them anyways. Several guards appear and click their claws to ask what are we doing out at the well so early in the morning."
BEN KISSEL
I'm just getting some hot water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm getting hot water.
MARCUS PARKS
Warm water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
"They pause for some moments to look up into the reddish sky, faintly perceiving some vast shape beating its membranous wings, shrieking across the dim cloud ether, its many claws and legs tucked tightly into its fleshy hide. It swoops down, sinking its sharp mandible spikes deep into the sinewy flesh of one of the guards."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god, it's Ellen Degeneres!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
"It carries the corpse aloft into the dark sky from which it does not re-emerge. The remaining guards now greatly startled retreat back into the palace. I look across the landscape, watching over the mountains formed over the bodies of the sleeping guards, seeing the deep red sunrise. I hold up my hands to block the light, forgetting again that I don't have any. I shut my eyes to the growing dawn and the world turns red."
BEN KISSEL
Dude's got no hands?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He just realized.
BEN KISSEL
How the hell does he forget that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's just confused.
MARCUS PARKS
Wait, I'm working up to the ending. "They are rising again. We ruled now where they ruled once and they will rule again where we rule now. They have stayed inactive for eons in their fortresses, safe from our rule. But now they awaken again. The cycle is repeating."
BEN KISSEL
I mean, they're not going to lose to nub people, man. I don't understand.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just so intense.
BEN KISSEL
Where did the hands go? I just don't understand the finale, like then I remembered I don't have any hands.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The hands!
BEN KISSEL
How is he gonna get the warm water?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
BEN KISSEL
There's so many questions.
MARCUS PARKS
There's got to be a bowl or something, like someone brings up a bowl and he just reaches down and he laps it up. He's a bug!
BEN KISSEL
They're bugs?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're like insect people. Yeah, with all the thoraxes. How did you not get that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and claws.
MARCUS PARKS
Thoraxes and mandibles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mandibles.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Carapaces.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll tell you what, Bridgerton season three sounds fascinating.
BEN KISSEL
It really does. I don't know any bugs with five heads Marcus, I never heard of that before.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a fantasy world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fantasy.
BEN KISSEL
Oh that wasn't realistic? That wasn't about Boston?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly, I love that world.
MARCUS PARKS
Wasn't that a cool story? That one I was very surprised at coming across that one, it was a very, very cool story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love that shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you never read The Executioner's Song?
MARCUS PARKS
I borrowed it from you, I just couldn't understand it. I never knew what the fuck was going on.
BEN KISSEL
But you understood that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm saying! You have to let the sphincter of your mind gape.
MARCUS PARKS
True.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can't see that, I wish the audience can see what I'm doing. You tighten like this.
MARCUS PARKS
You tighten it and then you're opening it as if the anus is gaping.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
To bring Gene Wolfe's genius into your membranes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love him.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that's what I realized is you got to relax and let Gene Wolfe do his thang. Let him take the wheel.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe I have to try it again. I borrowed it from you many years ago, maybe I'll give it another shot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's yours now.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I gave it back to you. I returned it before you moved.
BEN KISSEL
This is something that we should definitely talk about. All right, so now Henry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. Talking about Gene Wolfe and setting a tone. This next story really puts you in another world.
BEN KISSEL
Does it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I'm excited. What a world to live in. So just like Marcus' incredibly well read story with with a lot of gravitas and scene building and world building.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like you walked into a place that has existed forever and you get to be home there, eating the evil vegetables and the sinew.
BEN KISSEL
It was kind of a Hellraiser meets A Bug's Life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, that's dope.
BEN KISSEL
Really interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
That's interesting. Yeah, it's like Cthulhu and Antz.
BEN KISSEL
Ooh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But this story is called Moist Butt Mustard.
BEN KISSEL
Moist Butt Mustard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, it doesn't get better than this. So this is the beginning of the slope because I've given in. I've given in.
BEN KISSEL
So it's not moist but it's mustard. It's moist butt mustard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Two Ts.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep, two Ts, got it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I saw the sign while I was out shopping.
MARCUS PARKS
Did I open up your eyes?
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic. I'm happy you did that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nazi sympathizers.
BEN KISSEL
You're gonna want to check out the Four Non Blondes, their new album came out in 1998.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I tell you what the best thing about them is that they're brunette.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely weird, isn't that?
MARCUS PARKS
That was Ace of Base who did 'I Saw The Sign'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They are nazi sympathizers.
BEN KISSEL
I see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Moist Butt Mustard, $10.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Now it was a tiny shop wedged between two large ones. I did a double take. Surely wasn't right and furthermore what the hell's butt mustard?"
BEN KISSEL
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A young lady stood at the counter freshly dressed with bubbly eyes. Hello, do you want a sample before you buy? I was intrigued. Clearly it was written all over my face as she handed me a pair of used panties. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it was that kind of shop. Don't knock it till you've tried it she said with a sly smile. You wouldn't believe how many men like yourself come to my store." There was this one big tall guy, 6'7", clad in denim. He made me subscribe to a podcast on my phone.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I've done that before and I also love this butt mustard that I bought.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"So her cheekiness won out. I took ahold of the undergarments, glanced around to see if anyone was watching, and I took a deep sniff. The scent was cloying, pungent."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It went up my nose and rattled my brains. Sweat, shit, and the other thing all blended together in a thick, sickly smell."
MARCUS PARKS
The other thing? Vagina.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Oh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Correct.
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I woke up strapped to the floor."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Five other men crouched in front of me in varying stages of consciousness. We were all naked. A man at the front had his face in a bowl, wafting down some unthinkable slop."
BEN KISSEL
Want to play a game?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Glad you could join us the girl from earlier smiled smugly. What have you done to me? I shook my chains, my wrist burns against the struggle. You are a dirty man just like these, she spat. You wanted butt mustard, now you have it."
BEN KISSEL
I was just interested in the product called butt mustard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you thought it was a cute fun thing.
BEN KISSEL
I thought it was funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You'd think it would be like a gag and it turned out it's just super hot mustard, you're wrong, you pervert!
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You condiment pedophile!
BEN KISSEL
I'm sorry. What?
MARCUS PARKS
Bit of an entrapment situation if you ask me.
BEN KISSEL
A little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not saying she's fair.
BEN KISSEL
I only buy the oldest ketchup and I say is this barbecue sauce 18? That's what I would do. It's unbelievable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Just then the man at the front kneeled over and died. His butthole opened up and sprayed shit all down the line. Pieces of it hit me in the face. Bile rose up and added to the mess. You sicken me, all of you. Disgusting. Getting off on smelling a girl's used underwear. Please, I begged, I didn't know! That's what they all say."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that there's nothing wrong with that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's what they all say. Oh, I didn't know. You should know where your food comes from. That's what this is all about.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Suddenly my skin started to burn where the feces had hit. Pieces of my face blistered and melted to the floor. The other men moaned. The guy behind the man at the front screamed to high heaven as his face peeled off, shit covered it, blisters rose up like water balloons, each one swelling until they burst."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"I struggled again and found one of the chains coming loose. The blistered man, he kneeled over and he fucking died just as I managed to get one arm free."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"My skin was on fire, pain searing through my skin to the bones underneath. The third man succumbed much like the others, skin melting off his body. I was lucky I didn't have the full impact. It took another second to break free. The lady didn't stop me as I ran away, she only laughed. I escaped into the night, pieces of skin flapping in the wind. If you see that sign and that woman, you steer clear."
BEN KISSEL
All right! So he's fine now. So this is just a you stay stay clear of that.
MARCUS PARKS
So it's a story with a moral, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. It's all about not succumbing to the moist butt mustard curiosity, like you just don't give in, don't give in.
BEN KISSEL
Curiosity.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, don't give in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Stay with your family. Think about your wife. If you see the sign, think about your wife, think about your kids, think about your face."
BEN KISSEL
But he just saw the sign but then she tortured him for it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because she was looking for a condiment pervert, she was looking for one of you, Marcus, the glitter in his eyes when he was sniffing a woman's panties.
BEN KISSEL
Sure, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Nothing wrong with that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Especially if you purchase them. Cause that's capitalism. That comes into your home, that is your item.
BEN KISSEL
Unless you're the pizza delivery guy, breaking into people's homes. Don't do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that's the bad part is breaking into homes. The panties are the most innocent thing in all of this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well I think she overreacted.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She doesn't like guys that like panties. I just don't know what was in the butt mustard that made them pass out.
BEN KISSEL
Well it made the man shit a poison, a bacterial poison.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, was the butt mustard in the panties or was the guy eating the butt mustard out of the bowl which caused him to shit himself to death?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe it was in a sandwich, maybe she put it on a sandwich?
MARCUS PARKS
Was it both?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what, I feel like maybe this is only a second draft and we didn't really see a lot of the A-Z there. We didn't see a lot of it there.
BEN KISSEL
Stu!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who knows? I don't know. Maybe it's for you to not know. Maybe it's too subtle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
What was that story-
MARCUS PARKS
It could be an unreliable narrator also.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the one who wanted butt mustard.
BEN KISSEL
You can only do what they give you, you can only read what they give you. Stu, what was the book, obviously A to Z, check out that series, I'm sure it's somewhere. It is, I'm sure it is.
MARCUS PARKS
You can look in the archives maybe.
BEN KISSEL
It truly was big in Europe when we were there.
MARCUS PARKS
Write to ABC or something and request the masters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bring 'em back! Bring 'em back!
BEN KISSEL
Somebody recognize you on the subway, what book were you reading?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe it was called 'A Guide to Creating a Serial Killer.' It was about the Macdonald triad and all that type of shit. Stu?
BEN KISSEL
Actors, they're just like us. Okay. This one's called Seaweed. Now Seaweed is actually very interesting because do you remember when people found out that McDonald's was using it in their burgers and people really freaked out?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but honestly it's good filler, it's very good for you. Seaweed's very nutritious. I love a seaweed salad.
BEN KISSEL
I do too, I'm back in the seaweed good graces. For the longest time I thought it was disgusting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is in a way.
BEN KISSEL
Just the concept.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have to get past it and then feed it through.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Because you can pickle it and you can pickle anything. That's good. Anyway this one is called Seaweed. "My grandmother grew up in the slums of prohibition era Chicago. Her family lived in a small house near the harbor and one of the earliest memories was a particular hot summer when seeking respite from the heat, she and her sister discovered a seldom used section of boardwalk near an abandoned warehouse."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate that. Why would you do that?
BEN KISSEL
"Every night for several weeks the two girls would make their way down to the docks and sit together on the edge of the pier as the sun went down. My grandmother vividly remembers a time that she finally recalled the feeling of seaweed between her toes as she and her sister dangled their feet into the murky water. She liked the way the seaweed felt."
MARCUS PARKS
It's awful. It's one of the worst feelings in the fucking world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man.
BEN KISSEL
These are some weird ass grandmas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's creepypasta.
BEN KISSEL
This is prohibition era man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is pre-9/11. People were different.
BEN KISSEL
They were just looking for any kind of fun. So the sun's going down. Her and her sister are sitting there, toes are in the murky water, feeling all the seaweed. "It wasn't until years later she returned to the pier and found that the warehouse had been demolished. Curious, she made an inquiry with the Department of Planning and Development." Isn't that exciting?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
BEN KISSEL
"Apparently the warehouse had been owned for a time by the mob who was using it as a base of operations for their prostitution racket."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
And that was a matter that was a matter of public record.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everybody said that.
MARCUS PARKS
That was like at the department of buildings, they had that on file.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they wrote that down.
BEN KISSEL
Evidently they did do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Already seeing holes. I notice that even the butt mustard story did hold up to a certain level of logic, didn't it?
MARCUS PARKS
It didn't. It's internal logic.
BEN KISSEL
The Department of Planning and Development, I think they would have some inside information on the mob and their prostitution racket. "It had only been uncovered when an associate began disposing of rival-" This is their words- "rival hookers by fitting them with concrete shoes and dumping them into the harbor. Investigating officers had recovered nearly two dozen bodies from the waters of a secluded pier nearby. How had the bodies been discovered? A passing fisherman spotted some of the victims' hair floating near the surface of the water. Like seaweed!"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh like seaweed.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the hair.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was tickling her.
BEN KISSEL
There's just something about this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The seaweed I like.
BEN KISSEL
So just be very careful out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, seaweed's always sex worker tendrils. Honestly we should start calling them that.
BEN KISSEL
Sex worker tendrils.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's the only way I'm referring to it from now on. I don't care how many lifeguards I meet or alienate.
BEN KISSEL
You should be romantic and touch hair and say it's like seaweed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Your hair is like seaweed.
BEN KISSEL
It's like seaweed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Girls don't like that.
BEN KISSEL
I bet you some do.
MARCUS PARKS
Hair like seaweed?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, if you said, 'Hey Carolina, your hair is like seaweed today.' Do you think she'd like it?
MARCUS PARKS
I think she would be confused and ask me what do you mean by that? I don't understand.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I find mostly the texture of seaweed to be disconcerting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Same here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Truly. I find it to be kind of gross.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's like a dead man's hair. Yeah, they did get that right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You've been rotting in an ocean.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hello Carolina, you look like you've been rotting in an ocean.
BEN KISSEL
Well if that's not a euphemism for marriage then I don't know what is.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa hey now, ours is a garden. Ours is a well tended garden.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's right. Got all these carrots growing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, I've seen those carrots. You know what kind.
BEN KISSEL
All right.
MARCUS PARKS
My next story is called Toothache, submitted by Ericsson Worn Colds. "Jack lived his whole life as a badass."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
"Drinking, smoking, fighting, fucking."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
"Ever since he was 13. Jack wasn't even his real name."
BEN KISSEL
Fucking? He may have been raped, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He might have been molested.
BEN KISSEL
Statutory...
MARCUS PARKS
"Jack wasn't even his real name, he just thought John was too boring."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Jack is unique.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"Now he was moving up. Jack was now Jack the Shark."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"Jack the Shark loved to tease the ladies."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I won't bite!
MARCUS PARKS
"Was his standard opener. And cheesy as it was, it was hard to not be drawn to that flashy, menacing grin. Later he would offer them a chance to experience the thrill and danger of being eaten out by the shark."
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
BEN KISSEL
I guess he will bite.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
My god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well not with the teeth.
BEN KISSEL
It's always nice when someone announces what they're not going to do because then it means that they are thinking about doing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not going to kill you.
BEN KISSEL
Well it seems like you might want to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not gonna cut out your vagina and put it on my head.
BEN KISSEL
Wait a second, what?
MARCUS PARKS
"I'm a surgeon! He would say, caressing the serrated edge of one of his many, many pearly whites. Bar fights a thing of the past, you don't fuck with the shark. It might tear your throat out. Kind of a shame really, Jack would love the chance to actually use them on someone. Still extortion with a grimace, now that was sweet. But tonight Jack was alone. Make no mistake, extrovert though he may be, Jack was still treating himself. He was preparing a recent favorite, the steak sandwich."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"It's exactly what it sounds like."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's a steak sandwich.
BEN KISSEL
It's his penis.
MARCUS PARKS
"He'd take a piece of cow and slap it on some bread. What did you think Jack was going to be a pansy ass vegan? Not with these teeth."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nah man, hell nah man.
BEN KISSEL
Wait a second.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a steak sandwich.
MARCUS PARKS
"Sitting down and salivating, Jack thought to take it slow and savor his meal. But he could never help himself. He rapidly lifted and took a bite, a big, big bite."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Call me a shark, dude. Sounding like my life.
MARCUS PARKS
"And swallowed it almost as fast."
BEN KISSEL
He's so cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He should chew.
BEN KISSEL
This guy is cool though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one's too cool to not chew.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah bro, he's too cool. That's all he eats.
MARCUS PARKS
"But something was wrong. Jack put the sandwich down and carefully probed the inside of his mouth. He had swallowed several of his teeth. Oh fuck! He shouted. He scrambled out of his seat and made his way to the phone. Panic flashed through his mind. He couldn't lose his teeth. He absolutely fucking couldn't."
BEN KISSEL
Well I mean there's dental replacement programs now.
MARCUS PARKS
"He called the dentist, that's the first thing he did. Jack didn't finish his sandwich. He was too scared to take another bite."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would be.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I mean he just lost a bunch of teeth biting into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, from a steak sandwich.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, weird.
MARCUS PARKS
"After scheduling an appointment, he nervously nursed beers and watched the tube, finding it difficult to sleep. Eventually sleep found him passed out on the couch. Jack woke painfully, incredible pain, worse than broken limbs. Worse than a metal chair to the face in high school. Worse than being cut with a broken bottle. Worse than having his hands smashed with a billiard ball."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dang.
BEN KISSEL
Jeez buddy, maybe the problem is you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"A hard man like Jack was not supposed to feel this kind of pain. He coughed and sputtered blood and vomit in between screams of agony as he clutched his stomach, hunched over the table. It was warm, it was wet."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"Jack's screams turned to horror as he lifted his hand up and saw that it was covered with blood."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
"Something shot out his gut, glistening a sharp streak of pain followed by several more. Jack counted five of his teeth randomly flopping on the ground like Mexican jumping beans."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! They were fucking too strong for his gut.
BEN KISSEL
I guess so.
MARCUS PARKS
"All he could do was scream."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(screaming)
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! (screaming)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how I would. First of all, I swallowed a bunch of my own teeth which has got to be, that is a traumatic afternoon as it is.
BEN KISSEL
Oh it's horrible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they're all going like, 'We're free, we're free!' I would pick them up.
BEN KISSEL
Well I just don't need my mouth to be directed by Sam Raimi. I don't need to have inanimate objects all of a sudden have personalities. Now do the teeth have teeth when the teeth smile?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. I don't want my teeth to turn into the bullets from Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
BEN KISSEL
No, of course not.
MARCUS PARKS
What in tarnation?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What in tarnation? You know last time we did creepypastas I said I'm over the erotic tales.
BEN KISSEL
You never said that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know, maybe I did.
BEN KISSEL
You definitely didn't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But psych because it's about to get a whole lot of erotic in here.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I hope you're all ready for it because it's about to get the sexiest I've ever been.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna make you fucking hard in the room with me.
BEN KISSEL
I can't wait.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna make Marcus, like a magician, we've been watching Alan Moore's BBC Masterclass.
MARCUS PARKS
yeah it's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm using my words to change your life through the screen.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're 1000 miles away from me, I'm gonna make you hard from here.
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can touch you with my words from here.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean there's plenty of people that make me hard without me actually being in the same room with them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now it's me! Now it's me!
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
Pornography can...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm doing it now! I'm making everyone hard.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
I wouldn't truly call it magic though.
BEN KISSEL
It's magical in a sense, isn't it though? Because you couldn't do it back in the day because back in the day you would have to run 26 miles to describe what a booby looks like so then the king could masturbate to your words about a description of what boobies look like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The king would just take a woman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is Stuffed With Love.
BEN KISSEL
Stuffed With Love.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Steam of boiling water filled the small kitchen. Vladislav dumped the pierogi in the pot. He lowered the heat and stirred the pot with a wooden spoon and then he opened the window to let in the fresh air. It was a normal boring Sunday and Krakow, the city was filled with traffic and pollution, tourists snapped photos of architecture and an old drunk man was peeing at the bus stop."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's Krakow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Władysław was a regular 40 year old divorced Polish man. He enjoyed beer, barszcz, and gołąbki, worked as a bus driver and enjoyed watching football on a small TV. "
BEN KISSEL
Wait, are you being racist against the Polish or are those actual foods?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's words.
BEN KISSEL
Those are foods, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Life was nothing special but he didn't complain. At least he was no longer married to that horrific Christina, that woman from hell."
BEN KISSEL
I don't know anything about her but evidently a woman from hell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"When they first started dating she seemed nice."
MARCUS PARKS
Christina's is also a really good Polish restaurant here in Greenpoint, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love Christina's.
BEN KISSEL
Oh absolutely. CH.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When they first started dating she seemed nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Karczma's is better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah I like Karczma's, Karczma's also very good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah it's better.
BEN KISSEL
Yes, I like (nonsense word).
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're being racist.
BEN KISSEL
It's fantastic, one of the better bathrooms around.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"When he first started dating Christina she seemed nice. Huge tits, she could drink liters of Żubrówka, sucked him once after he made the best bigos of his life."
BEN KISSEL
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"But then she got a promotion and she thought she deserved a man upgrade and started fucking her fat boss and he kicked her out."
MARCUS PARKS
That's an upgrade.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Pierogi started to rise to the surface of the water so he stirred them some more and he loved to cook and all the Polish cuisine, and this was one of the finest in his opinion, all right? Just a lot of fatty meat, juicy cabbage, and lots of wódka could make anyone happy."
BEN KISSEL
This is why you never ask a chef what they're thinking about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He prepared the steamer and the strainer plate and he turned the pot off. The pierogi smelled amazing. And after he got them on a plate he poured a huge amount of caramelized onions with butter on top and a gallon of sour cream."
BEN KISSEL
Oh this is truly actually almost getting me aroused. I'm a real food slut.
MARCUS PARKS
I was gonna say, I'm waiting for the erotica.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He doesn't get it.
BEN KISSEL
You don't get it? The caramelized onions and the sour cream.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's out of this. "He got a cold beer out of the fridge and he sat down to have his dinner but before he could reach to the fork he noticed it. The pierogies were staring at him. Now he felt a rush of blood to his head and he rubbed his eyes, surely he must have been tired, maybe it was too much TV. He always heard it could mess up his brain but he figured he would only apply to young people sitting in front of a computer for hours playing those loud games, not an old prick like him. But when he opened his eyes he saw their little eyes, their small womanly eyes and pumped lips gazing at him. One of them sent a kiss. What the kurwa?! He screamed, almost falling off the chair. (small voice) We sorry mister, If we frighten you. Said one of the pierogi in a woman's voice."
BEN KISSEL
This is amazing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It was deep and sexy. Władysław noticed he liked it. What the kurwa is happening? He asked and he stared at his plate of now sentient food."
BEN KISSEL
Caramelized onions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Was he drunk? No way. He only had one beer. And beer doesn't get you drunk, we know that."
BEN KISSEL
Polish sober, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He never took any drugs. Maybe somebody slipped him something but then why? Why would they do that? (small voice) There is no need to be afraid, Mister Władyk, said the same pierogi as before. We're here to help you. Help me? What? How? What? With what? What the kurwa is happening? Was he losing his mind? He never thought it would happen like this. He heard about people going crazy, shitting in stores and running naked through streets. But nobody told him about fucking food talking to you when you were about to have a nice normal dinner.""
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Especially a pierogi dinner. You feel like that's a really safe dinner. I mean it's survived war after war after war, devastation. The pierogi is one of the more honest foods.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes it sucks your dick. "We're here to make you happy, we dumplings have a way of knowing when a Slavic man needs love and we came to assist you. The dumplings smiled and it seemed to smile with its whole tiny body. Władysław's heart really started beating faster. How do they know? Was this really happening? He pinched his arm, nothing changed. He jumped in the sink and he splashed his face with cold water. (small voice) There is no need to hurt
yourself, mister. He heard the pierogi say behind him. Just relax and let us work our doughy magic."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"What do you mean? Oh what do you want to do? The pierogi giggled."
BEN KISSEL
I wanna sit on ya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, that's what they said. "(small voice) You just sit down, have a beer, and let your mind be open for the possibilities of unimaginable pleasures."
BEN KISSEL
It's a potato blowjob!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"The pierogi licked her plump lips. He did as they said. Yeah, that's what I would do."
BEN KISSEL
Of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Sitting faintly on the edge of a wooden chair, one by one dumplings jump from the wet plate onto his lap and began to unzip his pants."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my goodness. Now how do they do that?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're little dumpling hands. "He whispered, he was like, whoa, okay. After all this might be a dream and well why not see how it's gonna end?"
BEN KISSEL
Sure! Of course, I mean at this point you might as well, it'd be rude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"These warm little bodies of doughy dumplings, they felt amazing against his naked skin. He started to sweat. Pierogi pulled his limp penis from his polka dotted underwear and started kissing and sucking. It was the strangest sensation. So wrong yet so right. His penis got hard and red and dumplings took turns sucking the tip, rubbing against his shaft and snuggling on his balls."
MARCUS PARKS
Wait a second, how big are these pierogies or how small is his penis?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"There's a group of them."
BEN KISSEL
Yeah it takes a village.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's Polish! Six pierogies could cover your dick if they're all working in unison.
BEN KISSEL
It's true.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but how are they sucking his dick? Cause otherwise it's just like a pierogi job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They have little lips!
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
I don't think that they're taking it all the way down the throat, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. He just said they suck the tip.
BEN KISSEL
They're just kinda kissing on it.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh they're just sucking the tip, okay. Kissing. It's more like kissing a penis, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"One slid between my cheeks trying to lick the taint and anus with its tiny little dumpling tongue."
BEN KISSEL
Well that is fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Władyk changed position to make it easier on the little thing. He felt absolute bliss go through him as a dumpling explored his erogenous regions meticulously."
MARCUS PARKS
That makes sense. I can see that.
BEN KISSEL
He's on the wrong side of town.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(small voice) "Oh mister, you are so beautiful. Said the dumpling flopping on his hard dick with
its juices. Doesn't it feel good? Yeah, said Władyk, sipping his beer. His beer went down smooth. How can we move someplace more comfortable?"
BEN KISSEL
No I think it's important that you finish it. I'm just concerned he's not gonna be able to eat dinner tonight.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Seems like he's having sex with it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Now we're talking, the dumplings giggled. He moved them all back to the plate, he pulled his pants all the way down undressed, he took his shirts and stuff and he went to the fucking bed and he put the plate with the dumplings on the bed. All right take it, he said as he thrusted." Now he's on top of them, now he's fucking them like he's titty fucking them because they're all kind of piled.
BEN KISSEL
On the plate.
MARCUS PARKS
Pierogies are a lubricated thing, yeah. That's gonna feel all right, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
And don't forget the caramelized onions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes. "The pierogies felt even better than any pussy he'd ever had. He penetrated their soft mouths, feeling a warm stuffing on top of his dick, a composition of cheese and potatoes and he heard himself moan."
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Now who wants who, Christina?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Two of the pierogi jumped to his nipples, sucking vigorously. So they don't fall down. So they sucked on for their dear life."
BEN KISSEL
Pierogi pasties.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's like, "Oh fuck yeah! He jackhammered fast, feeling tiny bodies flap and jump around and penetrating one after the other, sometimes just sides of two clumped together, sometimes hitting the bed. Mister, slow down, slow down. We will show you the good times. Said one dumpling after receiving whole dick to the face. Władyk listened and they changed position. He laid on his back knees up. Pierogies divided to attend to both his dick and his asshole. One pierced himself on the dick, sucking the hardest he could and two sucked on the sides and one jiggled and sucked his balls and three started playing around with his butt, getting up trying to hit his prostate. Kurwa! Władyk screamed, feeling he was gonna get close and then the dumplings from his nipples relaxed. Now licking the sweat off his chest and his plump beer belly, the one on top of his penis gargled and stuffed himself with that head. His ass was full of pierogies licking his prostate. Nothing will ever compare to this, he said. Tears filled his eyes, his orgasm came and hot jizz shot out. And the little thing trying to swallow as much as it could and the others rushed to drink some as well."
BEN KISSEL
You can't do that with lasagna.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And he said, that was incredible!"
MARCUS PARKS
Incredible, best meal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Now where did you guys all learn how to do that? (small voice) Long time ago all pierogi had sex with men before the meal. But the god Pierogi got jealous and didn't want to share his mistresses with all Slavic people."
BEN KISSEL
The god Pierogi?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So yes, ancient god of dumpling. "So he locked us up in his sex dungeon and left you with only with the sad lifeless forms of the shells of the husk of pierogi. Only a few of us remain free, traveling the lands, looking for people in need of sexual adventure. Now that you are satisfied, we will discard our bodies for you to eat and go on." So he's going to eat all of these come- filled dumplings from his own thing.
BEN KISSEL
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
All the ones that were in... How many were in his asshole? Five?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Five.
BEN KISSEL
I think it was five and then six total pierogi. It was a healthy pierogi dinner.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And before Władyk could say a word, little white round forms came out of the dumpling and drifted in the air. They looked like little fat fairies with big bellies and huge tits, clapping their tiny wings. They left a hazy white trail as they fled away and Władyk breathed it deeply. And he smelled like flour. He was left alone with a full plate of all these dumpling skins still warm. Władysław would eat them all."
BEN KISSEL
I would imagine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"And they were delicious."
BEN KISSEL
Well isn't that fantastic? So he did get to have the dinner.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
BEN KISSEL
I thought he was gonna ruin them with the thrusting and all the other stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were spirit animals, they were little creatures.
BEN KISSEL
Obviously with come inside of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were the Huldufólk.
BEN KISSEL
Right, okay. So it's like you come inside of it and then people eat it. Some people do this, right? Okay, whatever you want to do, I don't care.
MARCUS PARKS
yeah.
BEN KISSEL
But when it comes to the thing eating his asshole, now those I would set that one aside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wash 'em off! It's your shit.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah but that doesn't change it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually looked up, because you can drink your own piss, it's your own stuff. You can't actually eat your own shit but you can accidentally... Like if you shit in the same room as your toothbrush, you're getting your shit particles on your toothbrush and then you're putting it in your mouth.
MARCUS PARKS
it's true.
BEN KISSEL
Yes but...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See the look on your face, Marcus. Did you just realize that?
MARCUS PARKS
No I knew that. I made peace with that fact a very long time ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You lick people's assholes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yes but do not eat the pierogi after it's been inside of your butt enough to massage your prostate!
MARCUS PARKS
It's deep, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's hungry. That was his dinner! He didn't ask to have his dick sucked and his asshole licked.
BEN KISSEL
No he didn't.
MARCUS PARKS
That's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was trying to have dinner.
MARCUS PARKS
And how did they retain their shape and consistency?
BEN KISSEL
They must be stronger than we give them credit for.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One word: magic.
BEN KISSEL
I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna thank Jackie. Jackie has helped me curate some of this stuff.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sure she's thrilled with the association. So this one, this is my last story. It's called I'm Calling To Inform You. Now this is gonna take some character work.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait to see you try. You do well. You can do now, you're quite the thespian.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
"Hello?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are you playing your mom?
BEN KISSEL
No. "Hello? Hi, is this Karen Maitland? Speaking. Hi, I'm really sorry for calling so late, I know your daughter. Is Anna okay? Oh no your other, I go to community college with Sarah. Oh okay. Wow. Whereabouts are you? Chicago?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a very dull conversation.
BEN KISSEL
I know, right. "Whereabouts are you? Chicago?" Just repeated what I said, yeah. "Huh, for your reaction I'm guessing Sarah has always been a bit of a lone wolf character. Yeah you could say that but I mean it's great to hear that she has friends out there. Can I ask what this is about? Well, I'm actually calling to ask if you've been in touch with Sarah recently. No, no, no, not really. She sort of broke off contact a while ago. I've always told her if she wanted to, I haven't changed my phone number just in case but I think she's probably changed hers by now."
MARCUS PARKS
Okay.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sorry, it gets better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus fucking...
BEN KISSEL
I'm sorry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like I feel like I'm in a conversation with my aunt. Where you're like I can't speak to you anymore.
BEN KISSEL
I'm sorry, that doesn't sound like her. "Well listen, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but Sarah has been reported missing."
MARCUS PARKS
Oh okay.
BEN KISSEL
"What? What do you mean missing? For how long? Almost three days. Three days? Okay. I mean what's happening, are people looking for her? Well that's the thing, I don't think they really are. I mean you know she likes to keep to herself. So she didn't really have any close friends and she was always sort of prone to absences. I mean it's like no one noticed. I told the police but they hardly looked into it. But she was always a little antisocial, that doesn't mean they don't have to listen. Can you tell me the name of your campus? I'll fly over tonight. I could be there tomorrow morning. Sure. It's the West Gate campus. I was just calling to let you know but honestly it's really great to hear someone actually take this seriously." And then she says, "Of course, thank you for telling me. I really appreciate it. No honestly, it's me that should be thanking you. I've done this a few times before but it isn't fun if no one cares. I'm sorry, what do you mean? Hello?"
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What?
MARCUS PARKS
Huh?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he's insinuating he killed her.
MARCUS PARKS
Is it?
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Or is it another missing... Huh?
BEN KISSEL
Let me read the whole thing again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
BEN KISSEL
I think it's a bait and switch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A bait and switch! He's calling to inform her he's the one that made her missing.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah. I just kinda wanted to do that as a character.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Character work.
MARCUS PARKS
A character study.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's where it really was the most fascinating.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Well this is according to Lovelace here, as a comment. "Damn, I expected to the the mom to be a baddie. Nice twist." So it was good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's really good.
BEN KISSEL
Robots914 says, "Oh shit, it's neon temple, great job. And I really think this is really good." Well it seems to be about a video game.
MARCUS PARKS
So that was the missing girl's mother. And she didn't know which college?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were already estranged.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah they didn't like fucking Sarah, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah that's right.
BEN KISSEL
JunpaLassley says, "Whoa! It took me a second but creeped me out when I finally got it." And then Married2pizza, she says, "I still don't get it."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I appreciate that person cause they walked away from it and they went like, 'Huh, that was dumb.' And then went, 'Whoa!'
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
BEN KISSEL
Whoa!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh it's him! Whoa!
BEN KISSEL
I think it was him. I think it was him because he had tried this a series of times before. All right, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
All right, this is my last story. It's called Dentist's Bane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh yeah. It's another teeth story.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is that this story is kind of a combination between my third story and my second story. It's got similar themes to both.
BEN KISSEL
I have actually had the past month horrible teeth dreams where my teeth are ripping themselves out of my fucking face.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's anxiety.
BEN KISSEL
That's anxiety?
MARCUS PARKS
You just have pure anxiety, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic.
MARCUS PARKS
This is by Hisham H.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"I wake up. Something's not right. I realize my mouth is wide open so I try to close it. I can't, my face is numb. I'm drooling all over my pillow. I'm literally slack-jawed. Maybe I pressed down on a facial nerve or something, I think to myself. I get out of bed. A long dribble of spit trails from my bottom lip to the pillow. I probably look like an idiot. My teeth itch." Wait what?
BEN KISSEL
I don't like that. Oh I don't like that sentence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
"My teeth itch. I feel around the inside of my mouth with my tongue. My teeth feel slimy and foreign. I rush to the bathroom, turn on the lights, look in the mirror, look into my gaping mouth. My teeth are all brown, a sickly mottled rotten-looking brown. Only last night they were pearly white. How did this happen? Suddenly a sharp pain shoots through my jaw. Soon I feel an icy stab of pain in each tooth. It almost feels as if my teeth are wiggling. Wait, wait, my teeth are wiggling."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No!
MARCUS PARKS
"I look in the mirror in disbelief as each tooth starts to wiggle and shake in its socket."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate it.
BEN KISSEL
I can't go through this again, man. I already was four years old once, I can't deal with all this shit.
MARCUS PARKS
"My gums start to bleed. The drool that streams from my mouth is now flecked and streaked with bright red blood. I'm too scared to think or do anything. I stand there frozen in shock as I keep staring into the mirror with a mixture of pure terror and awe, looking at my vibrating rotting teeth as they dance and jiggle. Then the pain peaks in one of my incisors. As it cracks it breaks open, revealing brownish mush. And something else."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are my dreams.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, I've had these kinds of dreams. It's a PSA against chewing tobacco is what it is.
MARCUS PARKS
"Something that wiggles and falls to the sink. I take a closer look, it's some kind of insect. Maybe only a centimeter long. It starts cleaning itself."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(strangled noises)
BEN KISSEL
You sucking your own dick there? What are you doing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(small voice) Yes.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(small voice) I feel so lonely. So lonely being a tooth worm.
MARCUS PARKS
"More stabs of pain as I feel molars and canines burst open like overripe fruit. I feel them wriggling inside my mouth."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(small voice) I always go camping alone, I never have friends. Never go to dinner, always alone in a hammock.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah that's sad. It's a cute little bug hammock you have though.
MARCUS PARKS
"I hack and cough, splattering the sink and mirror with gobs of brown goo and flecks of rotten enamel. And the little things continue to clean themselves like house flies, rubbing their bodies with their hind legs and cleaning their heads with their four legs, combing off the slime and dunk."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
"And as they start crawling up the faucet and mirror to air out their wings, I see them clearly now. They're actually quite beautiful. They look like tiny, very skinny wasps. They have clear wings tinted pink. They have huge eyes gleaming gold and red and their heads are a milky white. Their antenna are black. Their thoraxes and slender abdomens are pale mauve."
BEN KISSEL
This guy's a bug fucker, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
"Some of them have what appears to be a long thin wire-like tail, metallic blue in color and almost twice as long as the body."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(small voice) So I'm just kind of mad because you only think I'm beautiful when I'm wearing makeup but when you saw me when I woke up in the morning, that is me.
BEN KISSEL
I'd still fuck you, I'd still wanna have sex with you.
MARCUS PARKS
"Then it hits me. It really is hilarious. My laugh causes the little flying gems to take off in a glittering cloud. I walk back to my bed, my ruined mouth dripping the rotted remains of my teeth and blood stained saliva. I lift up my pillow, I see a small pile of gold coins."
BEN KISSEL
Oh my god, this is a whole thing about a fucking tooth fairy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! Yeah, dude! But it's metal dude, it's different. It's fucking Giger, dude. Giger tooth fairy, man.
MARCUS PARKS
"Yeah man, he fucking got paid. He didn't even wanna give away his teeth but they fucking took his teeth and they fucking paid him for it, man."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's fucking the ultimate arrangement, dog. And honestly it's an abduction scenario.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Now that I think about it, has there ever been... I know The Rock was in a movie I think called The Tooth Fairy but has there been a true horror movie based upon the phenomenon of the tooth fairy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want to say there must have been, there must have been.
BEN KISSEL
Because there needs to be if there isn't one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what is an unsung, it's not bad if you fucking are high as fuck? Jack in the Box 1 and 2.
BEN KISSEL
Jack in the Box?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a horror movie. It is way better than it has any reason to be.
BEN KISSEL
Does everyone just die from...?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(humming pop goes the weasel theme) And then it pops up. It's various scenarios where you get into a position where you have to do that to a box.
BEN KISSEL
Whoa! What was the thing that Jack in the Box poisoned everyone? E. coli!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See.
MARCUS PARKS
No, there was Tooth Fairy 2006. 12 year old Pamela goes on vacation with her family to a bed and breakfast. The who girl lives next door tells her about the tooth fairy. Many years earlier, the evil tooth fairy slaughtered a countless number of children to take their teeth and now she has returned to kill Pamela and anyone else who gets in her way. The tooth fairy pursues the victims unrelentingly which leads to a gruesome collection of events.
BEN KISSEL
Fantastic, all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I mean of course. Anything that is out there. There's been an Easter bunny horror movie.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They've got to do that shit because you got to pump it out. But again if it's a tooth fairy thing, you can always add the element. Because I found the tooth fairy in The Santa Clause world also very scary.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. The whole thing. All right I believe Henry, you wanna close us out here?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have one left. One thing I wanna say is number one, I wanna shout out the writer of Moist Butt Mustard, it's AClockworkMonkey because I forgot to do that. And I also want to shout out this incredible writing behind this Polish sexual adventure called Slightly Overcooked Creepypasta, that's the name, that's the guy who wrote that. So I just want to say thank you. Or it could be a woman, I don't know. I just wanna say thank you whatever you are.
BEN KISSEL
May have been a pierogi.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It might be. But this next one, I really struggled if I should read this.
BEN KISSEL
I'm seeing you thumb through it and it looks to be about a novel, it looks like a novella.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is short. Thankfully it is very short.
BEN KISSEL
It is, okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there's something about this is, I chose this one, this came from Jackie and I chose this one because the other one I simply could not get through because of what it was doing to my mental state and how I felt physically and I'm too hungover to read the other one.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This one is almost worse in the fact that it is not as graphic. But Jackie does her show, she does a Twitch show on her channel twitch.tv/ohnoitsjackie. She does a couple of more interesting kind of serious style shows and she does one show that's all about her sexuality, right.
BEN KISSEL
She's a human being, she's an autonomous being.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know that she is not a sexless thing to everybody else.
BEN KISSEL
Oh no, she is sexful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
BEN KISSEL
Yes. She is a Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So she had to do this thing, they got into a thing about fan fiction erotica on the show. And she live happened to stumble across some content that is about the three of us.
BEN KISSEL
Oh God. You're not gonna read that.
MARCUS PARKS
I know that this is around, I've heard about this, this has been around for a few years now.
BEN KISSEL
I mean I kind of like it. I haven't read any of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the most horrifying thing I could read.
MARCUS PARKS
It's flattering in a way. I'm sure the person who wrote it is listening right now and thank you for taking the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you. Thank you. But I feel like the reason why this one is scary is because of how romantic it is.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So let's see how we all feel.
BEN KISSEL
Okay, let's do it.
MARCUS PARKS
People do normally put us into romantic situations where we're very close.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I get it. The term is shipping.
BEN KISSEL
Shipping?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shipping.
MARCUS PARKS
Shipping. Relationshipping, think of it that way.
BEN KISSEL
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
It's just like slash fiction is pure nasty shit, shipping is more romantic.
BEN KISSEL
I see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, this is The Red Shoe Diaries version.
BEN KISSEL
Okay. David Duchovny was in one of those.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is called First Kiss by beachblanketbingo.
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Hey, Dogmeat. Marcus hears the voice sound from the other room." Are we getting through this?
MARCUS PARKS
I already hate it.
BEN KISSEL
We're mature enough to do this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Because this is not about gay fear. I'd kiss you if I felt it.
BEN KISSEL
No, of course.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But honestly it's more about I just don't want to have sex with each other because then it will ruin the business. It'll ruin our lives. We can't have a power imbalance in the triangle.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no we can't.
BEN KISSEL
Well I mean if we're all inside of each other then it's perfect balance isn't it?.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If we're all fucking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. At the same time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But one of us is going to get left out.
BEN KISSEL
If I'm ever on a kiss cam and I'm near either of you, well Marcus I'll give you a kiss on the forehead but I'll french-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll kiss your mouth. Yeah, I'll kiss your fucking mouth.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, thanks. Yay. You guys beard it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. "Marcus hears a sound from the living room much more tentative than how Henry usually carries himself. Setting the papers down as he was shuffling through them, he pads out of the kitchen to catch Henry and turned to look at him from his seat on the couch. Come here. Marcus knew that he wasn't seeing things now, Henry looked nervous. Steeling himself, Marcus walked closer, his expression growing even more curious as Henry turned so that he was on his knees, the top half of his body half stretched out over the back of the couch."
MARCUS PARKS
It's a fun thing. Hey.
BEN KISSEL
You're jellicle, you're a cat. You're having fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Once he was close enough he barely had time for a surprise noise to escape him as Henry-"
MARCUS PARKS
(surprised noise)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"He grabbed the front of his shirt and tugged him down, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss."
BEN KISSEL
Oh soft, isn't that nice?
MARCUS PARKS
So soft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"A moment passed, long and tense before Henry's hand drifted from Marcus' shirt to slide up his neck and settle around the back of his head tugging him ever so slightly closer."
BEN KISSEL
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm still checking in with you, are you feeling okay?
MARCUS PARKS
I'm fine, I'm fine with this. I'm totally fine with this.
BEN KISSEL
It's romance. It's very nice.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm fine with it. I wouldn't say I like it but I'm fine.
BEN KISSEL
Does the beard tickle a little bit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's none of that detailing.
BEN KISSEL
Probably does.
MARCUS PARKS
Probably, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Marcus broke at the touch, it was soft and completely unlike anything he was used to from this normally boisterous man. His eyes closed as his own hands fell to land on the back of the couch to keep himself steady so he wouldn't topple over."
MARCUS PARKS
I can see you being a tender lover. I mean there's nothing crazy about that. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm good!
BEN KISSEL
Okay, all right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Marcus could feel the sudden intake of air through Henry's nose as it was then that he realized that Henry didn't think he'd kiss back."
MARCUS PARKS
Oh wow. I guess that's why you were a little tentative when you called me over.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah of course. But then Marcus obviously you saw he was playing sexy cat and you succumbed to that.
MARCUS PARKS
I succumbed, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Pulling away just enough to look clearly into Henry's eyes, he tilted his head to the side like a confused puppy. They were both inches away from each other and they could feel their breath from each other's lips and Henry's hands still on Marcus' neck, his thumb kneading lightly into the muscles there."
BEN KISSEL
How did the Nicorette smell Henry?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pungent.
BEN KISSEL
Pungent.
MARCUS PARKS
Hey, I've been off it for weeks, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"What was that for? Marcus whispered, afraid to talk any louder and break the warmth spreading in his chest. He watched as a barely there blush bloomed on Henry's cheeks, almost hidden behind the man's beard. I was worried. He gaze darting away just for a moment before coming back to land on Marcus again. But if I didn't do it now, I'd be too afraid to ever do it."
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"Marcus could hear the slight waver in Henry's voice. The anxiety that he must have felt up to this point mounting, rising like a tidal wave."
BEN KISSEL
It's really nice that you were able to explore that side of you though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"You're thinking about it, Marcus murmured, leaning forward, pressing his lips to Henry's again, eyes closing again once more. Don't think about it."
BEN KISSEL
Don't think about it, yeah. All right well I'm just happy that you guys are having fun.
MARCUS PARKS
I've 180'd, that was fantastic, you did a great job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was really good!
MARCUS PARKS
You did wonderful. Yeah, that was pretty good.
BEN KISSEL
To your previous point though it would ruin the relationship, it would ruin the show because I'm a little pissed off I wasn't in the story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is what I'm saying.
BEN KISSEL
So now you guys are out there kissing each other, you're flirting with Marcus and then Marcus is like, 'Yeah I'm already into it.' And then what are you guys not even thinking about me?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
BEN KISSEL
Fuck you guys.
MARCUS PARKS
No, not really. But I mean Ben if you like I do know that there is a really nasty creepypasta, really nasty shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh that was the one my body, it felt like when someone says that you can reject a liver. When I read I was like I cannot see this, I cannot see the words on the page.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This actually kind of like...
MARCUS PARKS
It's nice, yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It was sweet. I hope everyone enjoyed this creepypasta.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you know what's creepy about it is the vulnerability.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
It really is. And isn't that the most sensuous thing of all?
MARCUS PARKS
Scariest thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is. The precipice of love. The tentative little gasps of first two people trying to understand what they are. And if this makes us new men or are we the same old men, we've always been this way.
BEN KISSEL
Absolutely. Well either way I think it's fantastic and I just think that's great. And thank you all so much for enjoying this macabre macaroni with us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hope you did.
BEN KISSEL
And now again, if you did divorce your husband now you have to go back and you say we're married, we're married, we're married. And now you guys can go back to having your relationship. Of course now that you're all horned up, please go have sex with each other.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want some bigos.
BEN KISSEL
I kinda want a pierogi.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You should go to Karczma's tonight.
MARCUS PARKS
Actually we probably will go to Karczma's tonight, I was just thinking that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes!
MARCUS PARKS
I'll get myself some of the hunter's stew, get myself the fucking meat sampler platter, just get fucking everything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That sampler platter is so good.
MARCUS PARKS
Kielbasa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Their draught beer is also fantastic, they got great draft beer.
MARCUS PARKS
It's amazing. Oh it's so good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm kinda hungry.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that got that big Polish draught beer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm starving, man!
BEN KISSEL
I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They got none of that shit here, man.
BEN KISSEL
Well I know you all are hungry for content, check out our Patreon, it's fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
BEN KISSEL
And thank you all so much for supporting that. And also Z2 the comic is out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get out there, order it.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah, purchase that.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not out yet. But it's coming out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's coming.
BEN KISSEL
Coming out soon and then Soul Plumber.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Soul Plumber hardcover collection, that's also apparently going to be offered soon. I saw a notice for that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that will be soon. I don't know when.
BEN KISSEL
And speaking of Patreon, we had a great interview with PJ Holden, one of the amazing artists that worked on Soul Plumber. So check out that interview and we have so many. If you want to hear two men get taught lessons, check it out, you guys will love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, seriously. And again June 18th we're going to be at the Ryman Theater in Nashville. All of LPN is going to be there. It's gonna be a fun ass show, I can't wait to fucking do that. I don't know what the show's gonna be!
BEN KISSEL
Grand Ole Opry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's gonna be a bit long, it's gonna be three hours but you're gonna see everybody. So you roll in there, you're gonna settle up, we're gonna have intermissions so you'll be able to go walk away and get more beers and come back. It's gonna be a big old show.
BEN KISSEL
Also when it comes, this is a this is a lesson that I think all of us have had to learn both in our personal lives and then when it comes to the audience, I got a text being like 'We're pre- partying!' at 8am. No need. Come to the Ryman, just get drunk, start drinking when the show starts and then by the end of it you'll be nice and loosey goosey.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
6pm if you want to have a couple of beers because if you pre-party 12 hours before the show, you're gonna end up being removed from the show. We have seen it happen time and time again.
BEN KISSEL
Whether it be falling asleep or taking your shirt off and starting to fight.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Or get into a fight with a cop. There's many things.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Many ways.
MARCUS PARKS
Many bad ways that that could end.
BEN KISSEL
We're getting back to being together.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's nice to have that back because for a while even the audiences were kind of hesitant to even just be in the room. But now seeing people so comfortable enough that they can take off their shirts and fight the police-
BEN KISSEL
Start to disrobe, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly we're back.
BEN KISSEL
We are back. Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
We're back. We're in it. And by the way the Soul Plumber hardcover will be coming out October 11th.
BEN KISSEL
Awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So look forward to that.
BEN KISSEL
20 days before my favorite holiday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good.
BEN KISSEL
October 31st.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good quick math.
BEN KISSEL
Thank you. July 4th, October 31st. My two favorite days.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
BEN KISSEL
All right everyone. Thank you all so much for listening. Hail yourselves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
BEN KISSEL
Megustalations everyone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, I'm even sad that I read the first paragraph of that other erotic story. It's not good for us to see.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like meeting your father in time travel. That's how I feel, like I disrupted something that I shouldn't have been a part of.
BEN KISSEL
Yeah it's for them. It's not for us.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. locking eyes with your sister at an orgy. Not fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Ugh!
BEN KISSEL
Ugh! Thank you. Fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!