MARCUS PARKS
He's a chutney farmer. Come and eat his clag nuts. Come and have a can smacker. Up his curry bongo, take it up the bum. Up me, prick sombrero.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Prick sombrero, that really works, I'm a council grifter. I'm a council grifter.
MARCUS PARKS
Gritter. Council gritter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Come and suck me clinkers. Which is another good one.
MARCUS PARKS
Lovely, lovely, lovely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, Jimmy Savile really could put together a nice song.
MARCUS PARKS
Turn of phrase. He's a man who really knew how to do a turn of phrase. It's incredible. And he's one of the men that we'll be talking about here today on Last Podcast on the Left. My name is Marcus Parks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am Henry Zebrowski.
ED LARSON
I am disgusted with both of you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good. I'm so excited to finally-
MARCUS PARKS
That's Ed Larson with us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm finally... This is a true old fashioned Last Podcast on the Left subject.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been a minute. Because again, it's relatable because who doesn't like to crack open a couple of cold ones after work? Come on, guys. Come on, you fuckers.
MARCUS PARKS
Woo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's about to get fucking nasty.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh man.
ED LARSON
My first question is like how illegal is this?
MARCUS PARKS
Well it varies from state to state and I will answer your questions as we go along.
ED LARSON
I was more talking about us talking about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. This is commentary.
MARCUS PARKS
Free speech!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Free speech! I'm out of jail, baby! Nah man. Ooh yeah. Come on!
MARCUS PARKS
Today's we're talking necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
MARCUS PARKS
We're getting deep into this subject.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. That's another good turn of phrase.
ED LARSON
Did you go to the Necrophilia Museum in Los Angeles?
MARCUS PARKS
Necrophilia Museum?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Liza Minnelli's house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He got them!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Got 'em!
MARCUS PARKS
Now to the uneducated-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god.
MARCUS PARKS
Defining necrophilia seems like it would be a simple task, ie a necrophiliac is someone who has sex with dead bodies. But in having this frankly unenlightened opinion, you'd be oversimplifying a massively complicated and fascinating paraphilia that has no less than 10 distinct subdivisions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't put your record collector eyes on this. All right? This ain't about like what's the most hipster version of having sex with a corpse. All right. Because it sounds like it's just you that views it as a complex gray rainbow.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It is not just me, it is also the author of the textbook 'Necrophilia: Forensic and Medico-legal Aspects' by Anil Aggrawal. Also the person who really breaks this down is the author of 'Grave Desire: A Cultural History of Necrophilia', that's Steve Finbow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was going through a couple of academic papers because I was trying to find some more like why? Answers like why, how do we get here? And it's funny because there really isn't a lot of like sort of academic pursuit of the subject. And one author wrote this thing and being like it is absolutely fascinating and I just can't believe there's not a lot more directed study on necrophilia. And it's like it's necrophilia. And so it's not popular, it's not super popular, it's not on the trending topics.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We are not gonna hit the top of TikTok. I don't know if they have NecroTok.
ED LARSON
Yeah, TikTok as in seconds to live.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There must be some kind of NecroTok. I'm gonna look that up.
MARCUS PARKS
All right. While you look it up, I'm gonna read you a delightful passage from 'Grave Desire'.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
"The necrophile becomes a mythical monster in order for society to maintain a moral status quo. Necrophilia becomes the ultimate fetish, the last paraphilia, the weather gauge for society's moral storm.'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fucking a corpse. You know what I mean?
ED LARSON
You can't make it pretty, you can't pretty it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one's doing it cool. There's no Elvis of necrophilia. Like there's nobody who's bringing it to the masses. There's no Taylor Swift bringing it from country to pop.
ED LARSON
Yeah. If you were cool, you'd fuck the living.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's the idea.
MARCUS PARKS
Most cool people do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This story, let's just say it lacks charmers. You know what I mean? There's nobody in here... Even every serial killer we've covered, we've always kind of found, not always, but sometimes there's like a relatable point.
MARCUS PARKS
Something, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we're gonna get into why, like what we're talking about here today. But these are people that make their whole nut fucking corpses.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because a necrophile, when you say the word necrophile, it just sounds like a guy who opens up a corpse butthole and starts smelling it and he's like I'm getting woodsy, I'm getting tennis balls, I'm getting cedar.
MARCUS PARKS
Well if we must put it into a box, necrophilia in its purest form-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You mean a fucking casket?
ED LARSON
Yeah. No, vagina, Henry. Come on, think.
MARCUS PARKS
Necrophilia in its purest form is sexual gratification that comes from having an encounter with the dead. If you want to get granular with it, the act itself is called necro-coitus, while the more Greek among you might call it thanatophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you ever seen Nekromantik?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think so. I know the Band Nekromantix.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's cool. No, it's one of those movies that when I was a younger man, I was always looking for whatever was the single most fucked up thing I could see.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right? I loved it. I was fascinated with it. And it was about six months ago, I'd never seen Nekromantik before and it's on the list of all the most fucked up movies ever. Because it's about like a guy that we'll cover today, a truly romantic version of necrophilia.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Tom Petty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But I couldn't watch it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's really gross. I was like oh man, I'm getting fucking soft. And it's not the same.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow, you really are. Getting soft in your old age. What's happening?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Well maybe I can toughen you up with some of this shit because it's gonna get fucking awful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's do it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well often but not always, necrophilia is coupled with other transgressive acts like sadism, murder, cannibalism, vampirism, and necrophagia. Necrophagia is different from cannibalism because necrophagia is the act of eating the flesh of the dead raw for sexual gratification. Often cannibalism is cooked, like it's prepared.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
There's more often like rituals accompany cannibalism.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also because a lot of times it's tagged on to other crimes.
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is, somebody eating raw is called Suzy Sashimi.
ED LARSON
Now what if the person's still alive when you eat part of them?
MARCUS PARKS
That would be cannibalism.
ED LARSON
That's cannibalism?
MARCUS PARKS
That's definite cannibalism.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Because necrophagia is specifically flesh from a dead body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because there have been people that have been willingly cannibalized.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. There's also necropedophilia and necrobestiality, both of which are self-explanatory.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, they aren't. I don't understand.
ED LARSON
Sex with dead children, sex with dead animals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
ED LARSON
Thank you so much.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the spectrum for necrophilia runs wide, from a mere obsession with corpses to the act of murdering to obtain, mutilate, and possibly eat corpses, àla Jeffrey Dahmer or Dennis Nilsen. But for today-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were the closest we have to an Elvis of necrophilia.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Dahmer I suppose would be the closest to an Elvis of necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Or Ted Bundy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Ted Bundy also necrophiliac.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good work, you did the reading.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But for today, we're going to shift our focus away from the more infamous necrophiliacs to some of the lesser known practitioners, the ones who seek out bodies that are already dead or those who have a romantic attraction to specific dead bodies they had previous relationships with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also think this is, how do I put this, pure necrophiliacs.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are guys who are not doing it just because they're curious after they killed somebody and they're a serial killer. Because they're a serial killer first, necrophiliac second, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are guys that focus in on this because again, it's its own art form.
MARCUS PARKS
It is. But although I would argue that Jeffrey Dahmer was a necrophiliac first and a serial killer second.
ED LARSON
Cannibal third?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure. Yes. Well yeah, that's a long conversation we can have that would ruin many people's afternoons.
MARCUS PARKS
Thanksgiving's coming up, people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will save it. My mom's in town. We can do it at the smokehouse.
ED LARSON
Oh god, yes. Do you think they would do it for us? Just walk in with half an arm. It's like we have a special request.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes, yes. Don't worry, it's kosher.
MARCUS PARKS
Tell them it's her birthday, they'll do it.
ED LARSON
They'll put a candle in it.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as you might imagine, 95% of necrophiliacs are men. Or at least 95% of necrophiliacs who are caught are men. But that 5% of female necrophiles can be quite chatty when they want to be. They like to talk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When we were talking on the phone, I think partially it's that too where it's most of the time you have to hear from the necrophiliac if they've done it.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And the thing about being a dude is that we leave shoot, right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We leave the spider webs. A lady, yeah, you can leave a slug trail but it's harder to see.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It is harder to see. However the necrophiliac we're gonna talk about right now, Karen Greenlee, did leave behind a bit of a trail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Karen Greenlee, whom we've mentioned in the past is covered in Carla Valentine's paper 'Dead Inside: Female Necrophilia, UK Law, and the Penetration Paradox'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Penetration Paradox is gonna be my DJ set. That's my album.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Karen Greenlee was a self described morgue rat and she claimed to have had sex with somewhere between 20-40 men.
ED LARSON
Big difference. That's a big difference.
MARCUS PARKS
Between 20-40?
ED LARSON
It's either double or... Like it's crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a fucking whirlwind in there, man.
ED LARSON
If they say 20-40, it's 60.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Especially necrophiliacs.
MARCUS PARKS
Well she said that she would spend hours in the morgue riding bodies cowgirl style. And her version of a male orgasm during these riding sessions would be when blood or other fluids would spill from the mouth of the deceased during necro coitus.
ED LARSON
That's why you don't let them get on top.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why, exactly why.
MARCUS PARKS
Ah! It's in my hair!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's in my hair! She said that she really liked 69. Shed rub the clit on the nose. And then she also said she found the odor of death extremely erotic. (British accent) Oh now you've got your body that's been floating in the bay for two weeks or a burn victim, that doesn't attract me much. But a freshly embalmed corpse is something else.
MARCUS PARKS
Why are you giving her that voice? She's from fucking Sacramento.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) Ah I love the dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Karen, she would even attend the funerals of the corpses she defiled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would get to mourn ride along with the family at the loss of that loved one, except I was groaning in a little different tone. I was coming! Oh you're crying, Mommy?
ED LARSON
Going to the funeral is a little more respectful than just banging a random corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
You're gonna see a lot of people who go to the funeral. It's a pretty common practice.
ED LARSON
Good, good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You say respectful, it think honestly it's more into the paraphilia. It's building up tension.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're being a part of this process, you're making it personal in your way. This paraphilia to us, like we're making fun of it and making fun of necrophilia. To them, this is extremely personal and romantic and complex and they view it as legit.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So in that realm, that's like a date for them, going to their funeral.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. By 1979, Greenlee's obsession had reached a fever pitch. One night she stole a hearse with a body inside from the mortuary in Sacramento where she worked. She then used the body for sex for two days before she was found overdosed on codeine in the back of the hearse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think the codeine probably had something to do with some of the necrophilia.
MARCUS PARKS
The codeine addiction?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know. Codeine makes you sleepy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And from how she describes it, her sex life was quite active.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I get horny when I'm sleepy.
ED LARSON
You get horny when you're sleepy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Weird.
ED LARSON
That is weird.
MARCUS PARKS
I get hungry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good.
ED LARSON
I get sleepy. I go to sleep.
MARCUS PARKS
But since there was no law on the books in California against specifically necrophilia at the time-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man.
MARCUS PARKS
She was only fined $255 and sentenced to 11 days in jail for interfering with the burial and illegally driving a hearse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know that's a frustrated ass judge.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Being like I want to figure out what to do with you, ma'am. And meanwhile she's going like I can't wait til you die, I'm going to fuck your bones!
ED LARSON
It's legal!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's legal!
MARCUS PARKS
You'll be pleased to know however that a section of the California Health and Safety Code was amended in 2004 to explicitly forbid necrophilia. And this was signed into law by none other than Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know why? Because he loved muscles. And muscles require blood.
ED LARSON
Or he thought he was gonna do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. I've got to stop! I've got to terminate necrophilia!
MARCUS PARKS
Well this delay in outlawing necrophilia specifically is actually pretty common because most states are reticent to put necrophilia on the books until they absolutely have to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you think it's because like partially, is it giving people ideas?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think it's giving people ideas because only about 40 states have gotten around to making it specifically illegal. There's still 10 states out there, I'm not gonna tell you which ones, where you can still legally be a necrophile.
ED LARSON
Wisconsin!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I don't understand-
ED LARSON
New Mexico!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why is it so hard? Like truly, why is it so hard to get them to come down on necrophilia?
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's because, I mean there's no federal statute-
ED LARSON
Because we don't wanna lock up Biden's wife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Yeah! Got 'em!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me be clear, I am not dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Well there's no federal statute forbidding necrophilia because I think no senator wants to be known as the guy who put the necrophilia provision in the latest crime bill.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know my constituents love to fuck the dead. I know that.
ED LARSON
I will keep it legal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know they do. Have you heard the term, the necrophiliac term for what they are as a group of people? Like mostly they want meat on the bone but there is a group that love just fucking skeletons and coming all over skeletons.
MARCUS PARKS
I think coming all over skeletons would be the operative word. It's masturbating-
ED LARSON
When is the meet up, Marcus?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You're not catching me! You're not catching me out!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You could put it through the ribcage, you could put it through the pelvis hole.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I guess you could put it through the ribcage. That's a pretty small opening though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's more like rubbing, it's rubbing.
MARCUS PARKS
Friction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They call it porking the bone.
MARCUS PARKS
Who's they?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This guy.
MARCUS PARKS
But if you're wondering about the aforementioned penetration paradox when it comes to female necrophile, some use erectile dysfunction vacuum pumps to manually generate an erection in deceased men or so they claim.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Others say they use hydraulic pumps that are attached to thin plastic tubes that are inserted and sutured into the dead phallus. However I'm inclined to agree with author Carla Valentine when she brings these claims into question.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would agree.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because again, that takes a lot of time. You're talking about a lot of time in a room with cameras, if you're getting at a corpse that's in a hospital, it'll take some time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. If you're in that situation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But Karen Greenlee, I mean she was doing her shit in the 70s, not a lot of surveillance cameras in the morgue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And she said that she would have hours with the corpse. And if you have a penis pump, like that's just, you're done in five seconds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of bush hair in that time period.
ED LARSON
Risk of sounding like an idiot, what about rigor mortis?
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly. Well everyone talks about the so-called angel lust in which a dead body achieves an erection postmortem. You heard of that?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You heard about this?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You heard about this? Have you seen this?
ED LARSON
Well I didn't know it was called angel lust but I knew you get hard when you die.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that true? I actually didn't know that?
MARCUS PARKS
You didn't know about angel lust?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I don't get Angel Lust magazine, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone knows that if this podcasting thing didn't work out, I was gonna go to mortuary sciences school.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
MARCUS PARKS
I know this stuff.
ED LARSON
That's very good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
MARCUS PARKS
But Angel Lust usually only happens in hanging deaths or other forms of death in which there is intense pressure on the cerebellum. It also doesn't happen hours or days after death. And it doesn't just happen to men either. When women are hung, their vaginas will also engorge, the clitoris will also engorge and in some cases,blood shoots out of the vagina.
ED LARSON
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So my question... It just gets big?
MARCUS PARKS
It engorges.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like Homer Simpson mouth? I've seen those, have you seen that meme?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. But it doesn't happen hours or days after death, it's something that happens in the immediate, in the immediate time right after death. Maybe our coroners or mortuary workers could help us out with this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. So please email sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.
MARCUS PARKS
But Valentine says that the claims of pumps, hydraulic or manual, are dubious at best considering the amount of congealed blood contained in a dead penis. On this subject, I will defer to the professionals and we shall give an update on Side Stories.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
I do know that a penis after a certain period of composition does blow up like a balloon until it bursts, much like the stomach.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Gasses, various insects, of course maggots are gonna be everywhere by that time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you want more of the cornbread stuffing, Marcus? You like dark meat, right, Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
Now speaking of coroners and mortuary workers, you may not be surprised to know that certain jobs attract necrophiliacs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But some of these professions are less obvious than others.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, guys who work at toll booths, anybody at a DMV, the IRS.
ED LARSON
I worked at a Buffalo Wild Wings and we had a couple.
MARCUS PARKS
While we expect the grave diggers, cemetery employees, and mortuary attendants to have a higher percentage than other folk, necrophiles are also prevalent in the ranks of soldiers, ambulance drivers, and volunteer firefighters.
ED LARSON
Because they got the freshies.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They get the freshies. And then think about white pedophiles are attracted to being teachers, priests, senators, like partially what that does is it gives you... Because again, it's built into your role that they trust you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh man. Now, crazy thought. What if like an EMT doesn't save somebody just so they can fuck them?
MARCUS PARKS
Very possible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
That's crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
It's very, very possible. Yeah, basically any profession in which a corpse is likely to show up. And if the urge is strong enough, then yeah, they might not give CPR to that corpse in order to touch... Well that's the thing, we'll get into what EMTs are mostly into and firefighters.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
They're not really into the actual fucking of the corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not all of them. Not every EMT, not every firefighter.
MARCUS PARKS
No, not every-
ED LARSON
Just the volunteers. Why do you not get paid for this? Oh I get paid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh don't worry, I get mine.
MARCUS PARKS
Well we'll get to their area of necrophilia later.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Now while we think of necrophilia as a lowly crime committed by subhuman beasts, this transgression occurs with fair regularity in the ancient histories amongst the great men. According to the Babylonian Talmud, composed between 306-100 CE, King Herod the Great sentenced his second wife to death for committing adultery. Then he had her body embalmed in honey and stored for seven years where quote "his sexual desire for his mellified wife remained as strong as when she was alive."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is one of those you don't know because King Herod the Great was like, not super popular.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you find out later on why. You don't know what's a rumor or what's not rumor.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just keep seeing Alice Cooper because he played King Herod in Jesus Christ Superstar.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Well there was also the psychopathic tyrant Periander of Corinth, one of the seven sages of Greece. He accidentally killed his pregnant wife when he threw a footstool at her head. He then defiled her corpse, burned his concubines alive, and sent two of his sons away to become eunuchs for reasons that are unclear.
ED LARSON
What did the concubines do?
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly. That's also unclear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what's hard about concubines is that they have all the secrets and they're the ones that are a lot of times, the wife or queen or whatever will be in a more political position and then the concubines are actually the ones getting to know the man himself.
ED LARSON
Gotcha.
MARCUS PARKS
And it could also be some sort of weird expression of guilt. I accidentally killed my pregnant wife, now I have to get rid of my concubines and I have to... But that's the thing is that none of it actually hurts him.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It only hurts the people around him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's an interesting guy because he is a tyrant, which at the time was also weird because it was about taking the land away from the rich. So who knows?
MARCUS PARKS
However Greek historian Herodotus did give my personal favorite euphemism for necrophilia. Concerning the defilement of Periander of Corinth's pregnant wife's body, Herodotus wrote that quote: "Periander baked his bread in a cold oven."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh that's good.
ED LARSON
That makes sense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a freezer.
MARCUS PARKS
Now surprisingly, great and lowly men alike are not the only organisms to engage in necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
The act of having sex with the dead is quite common in the animal kingdom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Particularly in birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Crows, penguins.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't trust birds.
MARCUS PARKS
Ducks.
ED LARSON
Well ducks got the corkscrew penis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Those are the worst.
ED LARSON
Maybe it's easier for them to have sex with another dead one.
MARCUS PARKS
You just fucking put it in-
ED LARSON
Yeah and wind them up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tick-tick-tick. I also don't know how far does a necrophiliac go? They just rubbing their bird dicks on it? Or are they really fucking whatever hole they can get at?
MARCUS PARKS
They're penetrating.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
In one nature study in the Netherlands, drake mallards were seen copulating with a dead male drake for almost 75 minutes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we should know, I timed the whole thing. Keep going! Interesting!
ED LARSON
I was like why does he not want my bread?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I see, he is baking his bread.
MARCUS PARKS
In a cold oven. Additionally, necrophilia is quite common amongst the marine mammals. Sea lions, sea otters, and especially the sea's worst sex offender, the dolphin.
ED LARSON
Hey man, come on. Leave them alone, all right? They're just from Miami.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They learned from watching us.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as far as why people become necrophiles, it's hard to pin it on any one factor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because if there was one factor, I think we could nip that bud.
MARCUS PARKS
Most believe it's about control, the absence of conflict, the higher likelihood of getting away with the crime, the impossibility of rejection. There's a lot of things that go into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The impossibility of rejection is what every pop psych, any one of these other papers I was reading, they all just say that. It's because they can't say no.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's much more complicated than that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do too.
MARCUS PARKS
Most fascinating however is the relationship between necrophilia and the perpetrator's sense of smell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now I'm gonna say this is a warning right now because I know I have met several listeners over the years that do not have a sense of smell.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
I got a cousin with no sense of smell and I love farting around him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? But the thing is that Marcus has a theory.
MARCUS PARKS
I have a theory.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He believes-
MARCUS PARKS
Well I have a theory because in general a far higher percentage of necrophiliacs suffer from a diminished sense of smell when compared to the general population.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We don't think you as a listener with no sense of smell are maybe... We don't think that you're more like able to be a necrophiliac.
ED LARSON
But you are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just might have been born with a certain set of skills.
MARCUS PARKS
That's not my theory at all. My theory doesn't go against the people with no sense of smell, my theory goes against the rest of humanity. Because I think this begs the question as to whether or not more people would be necrophiliacs if they didn't have the instinctual repellent reaction that's hardwired into our brains concerning decomposing flesh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What's funny is that I think that that's actually like a theist point of view of like why are we all raping everybody if god isn't there to tell us no.
MARCUS PARKS
No. I'm talking about pure biological reaction.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like there's a lot more in the room besides just smell! It's a dead body.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I have had to break into a morgue. There's a dead body on the table. It's got an autopsy scar down the middle of it, it's got like shit. It's got the face, it's got the look of horror on its face because it died in it's sleep.
ED LARSON
Unless it's a freshie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, the freshies, because then it's got a ruddiness. It's also I would say your sight affects you from having sex with corpses. I would say your emotions, it's an emotional factor. I don't think it's just like, I don't smell a dead corpse then go like yeah excellent, this one I can get at, it still smells like perfume. No, I think that there's an emotional quotient that might keep you from having sex with a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Perhaps.
ED LARSON
Yeah. So you have to have no sense of smell and be insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it helps.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but there are many insane people out there. And I also wonder if necrophilia has recently been on the uptick because of long COVID infections.
ED LARSON
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Considering how many people lost their sense of smell-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are you confessing to?
MARCUS PARKS
And considering the number of people who came out of their infection with a scrambled brain.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait. People saying that we have blamed necrophilia on COVID. I can't wait for the responses from the various doctors. Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. How do you feel about COVID causing rampant necrophilia amongst the world?
ED LARSON
Do you suffer from dong COVID?
MARCUS PARKS
Now the term 'necrophile' was coined in the year 1850 by a psychiatrist named Joseph Guislain to replace the previous charge that would sometimes be placed on those who interfered with the dead. Before people could be charged with necrophilia, they would sometimes be charged with vampirism. It was an actual crime in certain countries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
France, England. They add it on the books. The vampirism charge brings us to our first case, that involving Sergeant François Bertrand, AKA the vampire of Montparnasse. This will also bring the first of many, many, many French necrophiles covered on today's episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I will say it's a very European thing vs a lot of American necrophiles, again, we're multitaskers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We work really hard and we never stop. We don't know how to not monetize.
MARCUS PARKS
We're also a land of freedom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're a land of freedom here. Okay? But our necrophilia, a lot of times, big cases of necrophilia we see are tied to serial killing. Where it seems like Europe really has the no kill, like was it catch and release of necrophilia? Like way more than we do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's all those extra vacation days.
MARCUS PARKS
Idle hands are indeed the devil's plaything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get back to work!
MARCUS PARKS
Now according to Bertrand himself, he had a strong desire to mutilate corpses from a young age but he never killed to obtain those corpses. In fact only one person that we'll cover today actually killed anybody. But what I'll also say is that the majority of our stories today also come from the 18th and 19th century. If I were to say why, I'd guess it was because fresh bodies were easier to obtain then.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
See embalming bodies didn't become common practice until it was perfected during the American Civil War when transporting the bodies of soldiers from far off locations back to their home soil came in high demand. Before then, where you died was where you were buried.
ED LARSON
So that's probably the second best thing that came from the Civil War.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Necrophilia.
ED LARSON
No, embalming bodies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh.
MARCUS PARKS
Embalming bodies and the abolition of slavery is what he's trying to say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Actually yes. I would say yes. This meant that fresh corpses unsullied by unnatural chemicals, seemingly the necrophile's preference, were far easier to obtain prior to the proliferation of embalming. Therefore a man like François Bertrand never had to kill anyone to obtain a fresh body. But the reason why I say that he might have killed someone if he had to was because he followed the same track that many serial killers we've covered in the past have gone down when it comes to escalating behavior.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you will call his behavior escalating but I actually think it's pretty fucking extreme.
MARCUS PARKS
From the beginning?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. We'll get to it.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean you can start it extreme and get to like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
More extreme.
MARCUS PARKS
Super extreme.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, Doritos. That's what they do.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
But then he plateaued for a little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then where else do we go?
MARCUS PARKS
Well starting at a young age, Bertrand would masturbate to the corpses of horses, dogs, and cats.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is what I'm saying.
MARCUS PARKS
Which I'd imagine were far more common in the mid 19th century. Dead animals everywhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure. It's just that, you know...
MARCUS PARKS
It's extreme.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's masturbating at a dead horse, which actually does sound like a new turn of phrase.
MARCUS PARKS
Masturbating to a dead horse, yeah. You need to stop, you're masturbating to a dead horse here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I don't know. I mean again, I just don't understand what's so sexy about it.
ED LARSON
Yeah but is it really a problem?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not yet.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean that's the thing, not yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would say yeah. I mean if I found out that you were doing that, I'd have a hard time hiring you as an editor. Like I'd have a hard time hiring you as like anything. Anything. I wouldn't want you to deliver Instacart to me.
ED LARSON
No, no. Well at least hand sanitizer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But right now we're at cool Ranch Doritos extreme.
ED LARSON
Sure, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
We're not to like Axe body spray extreme yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, not yet.
MARCUS PARKS
We're not getting up to that point.
ED LARSON
It's a gateway drug.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But in 1842, Bertrand joined the French army which allowed him more access to a variety of dead animals because he spent more time traveling. The more you walk down the road, the more dead animals you're gonna see. And I'd also imagine that regular battle produced a lot of dead horses.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But by 1846, dead animals that Bertrand simply happened upon were no longer doing it for him. So he began to capture and mutilate living animals for masturbation purposes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You see, now we're at that-
ED LARSON
Yes, it's getting worse, you're right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cheeseburger flavored Lays.
MARCUS PARKS
That habit however evolved again the next year when Bertrand happened upon a cemetery in the city of Douai. According to what he later told doctors, he came across some grave digging tools that had been left next to a freshly dug grave.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(French accent) What is this? Wait a second, I have an idea.
MARCUS PARKS
His head began to throb violently and his heart began to race, which would thereafter be the feeling that would precede any of his foul deeds. And before he knew it, François Bertran was shoveling dirt away from a freshly dug grave in a race to the coffin. Once he unearthed the body, he began to strike it with the shovel over and over again. And the sound of metal tearing into flesh made him quote "delirious with lust and violence" for two hours.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shit.
MARCUS PARKS
That's a long time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wish we could cut to our Hims commercial during this.
MARCUS PARKS
A couple of nights later, the urge came upon him again. So he returned to the cemetery in the middle of a rainstorm, heavy with atmosphere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(French accent) Oh, this is the time for me. Yeah, very romantic.
ED LARSON
(French accent) Yes, whenever it rains, it washes your sins away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(French accent) It washes your sins away.
MARCUS PARKS
This time however the grave diggers hadn't left their tools behind. So Bertrand dug up the first freshly buried female corpse he could find with his bare hands. Far easier when the soil was broken up with the rain.
ED LARSON
You would know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, you wet the ground if you really want to do some good digging.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Have you not gotten your spring issue of Angel Lust magazine?
MARCUS PARKS
Eventually Bertrand got the lower half of the body uncovered which he repeatedly hacked out with a knife. Before long, Bertrand was digging up bodies and cutting off pieces for later masturbation purposes. And to satisfy his self described erotic compulsion, he was soon breaking into one of the most famous cemeteries on earth, one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to in my life, Père Lachaise Cemetery.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, you just go to those, it's just like breaking into the Louvre just to fuck a painting. You know? Just to come on a hot dog.
ED LARSON
That almost makes sense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it does, right? But this is what I'm saying. Like it's interesting that he started with mutilations. He just would see a dead body and stab it a bunch with a knife. And then he'd get horny from that and then he'd go masturbate.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he was just taking off chunks.
MARCUS PARKS
Started taking off chunks. But much like Ed Gein, Bertrand claimed that the grave digging was never premeditated. He would never say like I'm gonna go dig a grave on Thursday, I gotta clear up my schedule. Instead he said that when the attack got possession of him, whether it be noon or midnight, he had to go. It was in his words impossible to postpone the urge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he was like Ryan Stiles.
MARCUS PARKS
How is he like Ryan Stiles?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His improv?
ED LARSON
Oh improv.
MARCUS PARKS
Improv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He's making it up, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Zip zap zop.
ED LARSON
Shout out to Ryan Stiles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, what's going on, buddy?
MARCUS PARKS
Love you, Ryan.
ED LARSON
You're great.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know if you fuck corpses. You're just Canadian.
ED LARSON
But if you did, I'd let you get away with it because you're that funny.
MARCUS PARKS
He really is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One time.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You get one.
ED LARSON
But you get to pick it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me be clear, I am the president of the United States, I will not be fucked by Ryan Stiles.
MARCUS PARKS
But in Père Lachaise, Bertrand dug up the corpse of a 40 year old woman, disemboweled it, and cut the entrails into quote "a thousand pieces". Every night for two weeks, Bertrand returned to Père Lachaise to dig up and mutilate bodies until he reached orgasm. Then he would rebury the body so no one would be the wiser.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm always very curious in those moments after because like when I jerk off it's like three minutes of flurry and then it's over and then it's like oh. You know? Like ugh, what have I done? Or all right, move on with my day. Like you've dug open a grave in a very fancy cemetery.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You've cut up a woman's entrails a bunch. In that, you're probably going like ah! Yes, yes, yes! And then you're jerking off and then you go (grunting in French). He comes. And then you're just like well... Is that it? What do you do for that day?
MARCUS PARKS
You put the dirt back on the grave.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Well François, you did it again. Like is it just that?
ED LARSON
It's like when a kid plays with their toys too much and then you gotta make them put it away as a lesson.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. True.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just like that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, just like that. No, he was unrepentant to the end.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like ah yes!
MARCUS PARKS
But no, I would imagine he would see it as the same as you feel after a good meal. Nice full belly and then...
ED LARSON
Take a nap.
MARCUS PARKS
Take a nap.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You get all tuckered out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow, yeah. Makes sense.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Finally though, Bertrand's reign at Père Lachaise came to an end when he drank too much and fell asleep at the cemetery. A guard discovered him and took a shot with his pistol but Bertrand was able to escape. That place is kind of off limits after that. Now by the next year, Bertrand became overwhelmed with the desire to actually have sex with a corpse, which was an urge that he had thus far withstood. And so he began digging up women of all ages, from old ladies all the way down to toddlers. But it must be said that after Bertrand dug up a three year old, he realized that he did indeed have a line. So he reburied the corpse without defiling it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(French accent) You know what? Honestly right now, this is gross. I did not see until now but this is gross. Coming for you, Brenda!
MARCUS PARKS
Now from August to November in the year 1848, Bertrand disinterred and defiled 15 corpses. When he couldn't find the fresh corpse of a woman though, he'd dig up a man instead, only to angrily slash and stab at the body without masturbating.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Seems like he's more of a digger than anything.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just don't understand. They got tombstones.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They tell you what's in them.
MARCUS PARKS
But it's gotta be a fresh one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You gotta look around, you gotta see the dirt mound.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And sometimes they won't have the tombstone if it's fresh honestly because sometimes they're carving it and then they drop it in later on.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, absolutely. But much like a serial killer, Bertrand's methods became more brutal and experimental as time went on. He began splitting the mouths of corpses, cutting their bodies into ribbons, pulling the limbs out of the sockets, and twisting the bodies into grotesque shapes in an attempt to thoroughly destroy the cadaver. Finally though, Bertrand's frequent visits to the cemetery got noticed. And in March of 1849, after three years of digging up corpses, authorities set up a trap at Montparnasse Cemetery to ensnare their mysterious ghouls.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just a fucking freshly filled in grave but just a butt hanging out of the top of it. Like how they bury their dead in Poland because they have a place to park their bikes.
ED LARSON
Yes. Very nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Sergeant François Bertrand was shot and taken to the hospital where he confessed everything. He was quickly charged and found guilty of vampirism which soon after came to be known as necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wasn't this the case that got it to be known as necrophilia?
MARCUS PARKS
I believe so. Although I don't know if the dates match up because I think it was, I have to look, 1848. Yes it was. It was absolutely the one that they looked at like (French accent) we gotta call this something else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is something else.
ED LARSON
His last words were (French accent) if I die, please fuck me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be incredible. Use my mouth.
MARCUS PARKS
He was jailed for one year and became a lighthouse keeper after his release.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly that is perfect.
ED LARSON
That is the job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That is the job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Perfect for him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now several psychiatrists and criminologists have worked for years to help classify necrophilia. Although admittedly, as you said, it's about a paper a decade.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's about a paper a decade. It doesn't generate a lot of like research funding.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But Anil Aggrawal, author of the necrophilia textbook, aggregated all the studies available to create an in depth, 10 level classification system.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, we just need to teach our necrophilia class.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Set it up.
ED LARSON
Imagine having to tell your children what your book was about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, Brian. Do you know that there is 10 different ways to fuck a corpse?
MARCUS PARKS
Eventually I'm gonna have to do that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, you will.
MARCUS PARKS
I wrote a fucking disgusting book.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's absolutely foul.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait. No, all of our friends who have kids, they're gonna listen to everything we've ever said.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I'll tell 'em.
MARCUS PARKS
Cool, great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let Uncle Eddie sit you down.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, I think my brother actually hides his copy of our book in a special secret place so his children can't see it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was the goal.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, exactly. Aggrawal however makes an important distinction between genuine necrophilia and pseudo necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For posers.
MARCUS PARKS
Pseudo necrophiles-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is an actual technical term, pseudo necrophilia.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Pseudo necrophiles have a transient attraction to a corpse but are not actually attracted to the corpse itself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Oh, you fuck corpses? Name three.
MARCUS PARKS
Instead they like their partner to merely pretend they're dead, which brings us to the class one necrophile: role players.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Barely make it to the fucking classification.
ED LARSON
Yeah, this is fine.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but that's why they're class one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's weird.
ED LARSON
They're responsible about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well do you ever do that thing... I do that with Natalie sometimes where I pretend to be dead until she gets scared and mad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I do that. But if she got horny and jumped on me, I mean again I'd take it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But afterwards we'd talk.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You'd have a frank conversation about what's happening.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it'd probably be more like so if I just do this, I get laid every time?
MARCUS PARKS
Anytime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Like well...
MARCUS PARKS
Are you gonna make that trade?
ED LARSON
It's kind of romantic though, get one more in before you get all soupy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I say this to Natalie all the time. I'll pretend to be dead, I was like just play with my balls one last time. She gets all upset.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
God. You know, goddamnit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These fucking women. I don't fucking understand anything.
MARCUS PARKS
Well these people will ask their partners to play dead by painting their face to look like a corpse-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
Or cover themselves in a plastic sheet while wearing a toe tag. Or they ask them to take baths in ice water prior to sex to give themselves that old fashioned corpse coldness.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Others have what's known as the Sleeping Beauty fantasy in which sex brings the quote unquote "dead lover" back to life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the original story of Sleeping Beauty. She got railed while she was asleep and then she was pregnant while she was asleep and then she popped open when she fucking...
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This is also discussed in the song the Monster Mash to a certain extent, wherein the narrator's monster is brought back to life through the soul power of the mash.
ED LARSON
Yeah, through mashing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But again-
MARCUS PARKS
When suddenly to my surprise-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did the mash. But the Monster Mash, again, we have to remind our audience is no the monster mash, it is a song about the monster mash. In the song they don't know, they talk about the monster mash but the song itself is not the monster mash.
MARCUS PARKS
It's titled the Monster Mash.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's about the monster mash.
ED LARSON
Now what about when Frankenstein's monster fucks the bride of Frankenstein, how would you classify that? Cause they're both dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's love. He was gay. Frankenstein's monster was gay, they actually never touched. He wasn't into it.
ED LARSON
Oh really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You remember the scene?
ED LARSON
I've never seen it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly Bride of Frankenstein is one of my favorite horror movies of all time.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a great movie.
ED LARSON
Really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's great.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's fantastic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But Frankenstein's monster had more of a tender emotional maybe physical connection with the blind man that he met.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The blind man who fed him. There's a lot of talk about how that was a gay love scene, they were having sex in that scene. Bride of Frankenstein never wanted to have anything to do with Frankenstein's monster. She was just born mad like a lot of ladies.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
So this class one fetish isn't always harmless, nor is it always practiced by harmless people. The worst example is Joseph Fritzl.
ED LARSON
Fretzel's pretzels.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Fretzel's pretzels.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what? That company loves that. They love that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Fritzl was the guy who held his daughter captive for 24 years and produced seven children with her.
ED LARSON
I remember.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you remember. You remember. Fritzl is technically a class one necrophile because he would hire sex workers to pretend they were dead during the transaction. But while class one necrophiles are all about sex, class two necrophiles are defined by their emotional attachments. These are the so-called romantic necrophiles, also known as necromaniacs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's cool. (metal guitar riff)
ED LARSON
Hell yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
These people can't bear separation from their loved ones and often refuse to accept that their wife or lover is actually dead. Sometimes these people will clothe the corpse of their loved one, move them from room to room throughout the day, and prop them up for normal activities like eating dinner or watching TV. Interestingly though, romantic necrophiles rarely have sex with the corpses they keep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Probably because the actual sexual act will more so remind you that the person is dead.
MARCUS PARKS
It'll dispel the fantasy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Where I think this is the one, if there's one of these I vaguely understand-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's this concept of you don't want to let them go. And so you just kind of try to press on like everything's normal by dressing up a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
This is Mary Jane's Last Dance, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Which Tom Petty was a gravedigger, by the way.
MARCUS PARKS
Was he?
ED LARSON
Yeah. Before he was... In Gainesville he was a gravedigger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh really? Wasn't there someone else who was a gravedigger? Wasn't like Danny Devito or like some famous actor? Harrison Ford might have been.
MARCUS PARKS
Harrison Ford was a carpenter.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Was it Kevin Bacon?
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Too handsome.
ED LARSON
He's too nice. Yeah, he's too tiny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's small. Yeah, you gotta have long arms.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It's gotta be like John Candy or something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jon Stewart was a grave digger.
MARCUS PARKS
Rod Stewart.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Rod Stewart!
MARCUS PARKS
And he's tiny.
ED LARSON
Yeah, he is tiny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He looks like a grandmother now.
MARCUS PARKS
He does. But have you seen his new little shuffle dance?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Still has one of the best voices in rock 'n' roll. Go listen to some early Faces stuff.
ED LARSON
Oh my god, and Jeff Beck.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't like it.
ED LARSON
It's great!
MARCUS PARKS
Rod Stewart's very... He's not just If You Think I'm Sexy, there's a lot more to Rod Stewart.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like John Fogerty better.
ED LARSON
Ugh. He's got a very Robert Plant voice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, well he does have a very...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kind of like he was ripping him off.
MARCUS PARKS
I'll talk to you later about Terry Reid, he's the missing link between all this. It's fantastic, you're gonna lose your mind when you listen to this guy.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah, I love it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Born on the bayou!
ED LARSON
The midnight special is when you fuck a corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. That's when you order it from Instacart.
MARCUS PARKS
One of the more interesting examples of a romantic necrophile is an eccentric British aristocrat named Sir John Pryce who hails from the mid 18th century. After his first wife died, his cousin by the way, he had her embalmed and kept her in his bed even after he remarried. See while the first wife was of aristocratic stock, the second was a local farmer's daughter who was kept a secret from the rest of the aristocracy. The power imbalance meant that wife number two had to put up with the dead body of wife number one while sleeping and having sex in her marital bed.
ED LARSON
You said none of these guys were charming.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Hey there Mary, you are disturbing Beryl. You're disturbing her. Keep your knees close to me when you're riding me.
MARCUS PARKS
But when the second wife died, some say of shame, Sir Pryce embalmed her as well and he slept between the two corpses, or should I say betwixt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now that's a lot. I got two dogs and a wife in the bed and I'm already clinging to one side, the very corner of it. I can't imagine having two dead women in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. Well I would imagine two dogs equals one dead woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm talking volume-wise.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This episode really shows the very small but gulf, there are gulfs inbetween us.
ED LARSON
Imagine a dog just running off with your ex-wife's foot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I could see it.
MARCUS PARKS
But when Sir John Pryce married his third wife, she insisted that he remove the corpses before she would agree to marry him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
One source says he refused and she reported him for his crimes. But another that is backed up by documentation says that he agreed to get rid of the bodies. He did not however let go of wife number three when she died as well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh she knew that was coming.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well I mean this is different though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because then it's kind of out of jealousy.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a little bit different what he did with his third wife. Well what do you mean a little... She wanted him to get rid of the corpses out of jealousy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Do you think it's out of jealousy?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You love these corpses so much, why didn't you marry them? Oh you did and they died? Well it's fucking over.
ED LARSON
When she married him, he had the corpses in his bed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she knew. Yeah, I guess that's what it is. She knew.
ED LARSON
She knew what was up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that's the thing, never get into a relationship with somebody expecting to change them.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
ED LARSON
Also is no one talking about this guy is probably killing his wives?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
MARCUS PARKS
This is the 1700s, mid 1700s. People just died.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, people just died willy nilly.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not uncommon for a man to have three dead wives.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you sprain your ankle, you die.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when this third wife died, Sir Pryce wrote a letter to a well-known faith healer named Bridget Bostock, AKA the Cheshire Pythoness. He invited her to his estate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wouldn't invite her. Your name's the Cheshire Pythoness.
MARCUS PARKS
Cheshire Pythoness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know if I want you in my home.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it's like the Cheshire cat but like a giant snake.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A giant snake.
ED LARSON
That's fucking awesome.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's really cool.
MARCUS PARKS
He invited her to his estate for the purpose of resurrecting his third wife. This was of course unsuccessful. And Sir Pryce finally died himself in 1761.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Slap her pussy again!
MARCUS PARKS
This inability to let go however is not limited to men. And make of this what you will, but class two necrophiles are the group that contains the highest percentage of women amongst their ranks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because the romantic contingent.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. As a way to I suppose never be apart from their deceased husbands, two women in the 18th century, one French and one Belgian, cut off the penises of their dead husbands and carried the phalluses around as treasured relics in expensive cases. The Belgian chose a silver case, while the French chose gold.
ED LARSON
I'm putting this in my will.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, honestly though. But like that's a lot of love for a cock. And when it comes to husband cock, it's not always the biggest and best cock you ever had.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's hopefully the last.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the most loving cock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the one that's attached to the guy that you're into.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. It's the cock of love.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because I don't want to know the old ones.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, I'm not asking about those.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
(singing) Cock of love makes you feel good!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Another example is the case of Joanna of Castile, AKA Joanna The Mad, who is interestingly the older sister of Henry VIII's first wife, Catherine of Aragon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, that is interesting!
MARCUS PARKS
It's incredibly interesting. She's a massive character in British history.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow!
MARCUS PARKS
And this is her older sister.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Holy shit!
MARCUS PARKS
It's fascinating no matter what you say. Joanna The Mad's husband, Philip The Handsome, died of typhus at the age of 28 in 1506. Instead of burying him though, she kept the body for a year, pretending he was merely asleep in his casket. She would talk to him as though he were alive, complimenting him on said handsomeness while forcing her servants to treat him as if he was a living being.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It says Joanna The Mad but it's more like Joanna The Extremely Traumatized.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now while class two necrophiles are all about emotional connection, class three necrophiles, necrophilic fantasizers, are where we get back to purely sexual motivations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just the interviews this author had to do and to sit and talk about all this. Like did you fuck it? How deep? Did you use your fingers? You use your mouth? You use your penis?
MARCUS PARKS
No, you get a questionnaire and you have them fill it out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
These necrophiles will masturbate to pictures of dead bodies and sometimes even manage to masturbate at funerals. They are however the necrophile most likely to escalate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because to be honest this sounds like this is just a baby necrophile.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, this is the first towards becoming a true necrophile.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do wanna pay several people to jerk off at my funeral. Cause they're just so sad that they wanna get one last go in.
ED LARSON
Yeah. We gotta get a lawyer in here and do our wills on day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I've been thinking about that a long time about doing a long form series where we have a lawyer make up all of our wills for each other.
ED LARSON
That's a great way to do it for free or at least have the business pay for it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, business expense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow, you're thinking like a businessman nowadays.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Especially when it comes to our eventual deaths.
MARCUS PARKS
Well one interesting case that stayed in fantasy land involved a necrophilic blind man whose desire to kill a woman to obtain a corpse only grew as he aged. But that desire was stymied by the obvious obstacles that prevented him from doing so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why I feel like it's nice now because it's probably much more able for a blind man to kill a woman and have sex with her corpse.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You can't play Marco Polo with a corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also with your stick, you don't know where she is because you need the stick for her to go like ow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Although this may fly in the face of my smell theory.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Literally.
ED LARSON
People who lose one sense could lose another.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, like Daredevil. It's like you lost the power of sight, now all he wants to do is fuck corpses. And save New York. And be Catholic.
ED LARSON
And a lawyer.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this blind man's fantasies mostly revolved around breasts and included sucking quote "cream" from breasts and biting breasts open to find a quote "unlimited flow of creamy milk". His necrophilic fantasies were even more bizarre, involving a baby suckling at a dead woman's breast that would burst open and swallow the child.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus, do you want cranberry sauce? Your grandmother made this delicious gravy. We just love that you're in town.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what this gravy reminds me of?
ED LARSON
We were so close to like losing the thought of this man from earth until you just brought it up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he almost faded into obscurity.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he almost finally just left. Because that's when you actually die, when no one remembers your name anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And now this man is going to live until the fucking solar flare wipes out the internet. Strangely though, because this blind man could never hope to kill a woman or even obtain a corpse for himself, he began fantasizing about a more realistic goal.
ED LARSON
Oh good.
MARCUS PARKS
Instead of a human, he began to fantasize about killing and/or obtaining the corpse of a horse. Horses show up a lot.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it's weird. Why not sheep?
MARCUS PARKS
I think horses because there's more meat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's because they're bigger.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're bigger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess. And they got huge... I mean he likes women. I guess they had huge tits when they have milk?
MARCUS PARKS
There's also dead horses like fucking everywhere in the olden times.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So I guess it's just lowering the bar.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like when you stay at the bar until 4 AM and it's whoever's there.
MARCUS PARKS
And at the end it's a fucking horse corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
A horse walks into a bar, he dies and gets fucked by a blind man. That's the end of the joke.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where did I get this joke book? Dad, I found this in your room.
ED LARSON
Bartender says why the long dick?
MARCUS PARKS
But logically if we're making small steps here, the next thing to do after fantasizing about fucking a corpse is to actually touch a corpse. Which brings us to class four, the tactile necrophile These necrophiles touch, stroke, or lick dead bodies to obtain full release but never go further than that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would never fuck a corpse. I just pick its nose. I play with it's tits a little bit, yeah sure. But I would never fuck it.
MARCUS PARKS
You just touch it, you stroke it. This is where you find your mortuary attendants, your EMTs, your volunteer firefighters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is where you always find them. It's where we find our brave volunteer firefighters.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's basically anyone who's in fleeting proximity to dead bodies. That's where we get, we were talking earlier about the EMTs but they're only in the presence of a dead body for a short period of time. So that's where you get the touch touch and so on and so forth.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Then you throw them in the van, shut the door, and shut the blinds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. That does happen.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Quite unfortunate but it does happen. Remember that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know, I'm dead. Who cares? We'll talk about that.
MARCUS PARKS
But some tactile necrophiles actually believe that since they go no further than touch, they're really not doing any harm at all and they should be accepted for their desires.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Answer is no.
MARCUS PARKS
Answer is no, it's a hard no across the board. A hard no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, we'll talk about this when we do our wills. Must be written in documentation of go ahead, fuck that corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Or touch that corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you could touch my dick and balls if that's what you want.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean if you go to a funeral, technically anybody who goes to the funeral can touch the corpse. I mean it might be frowned upon if you're a stranger but you can touch any corpse you want.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
There's no law against touching a corpse at a funeral.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're one of those guys who was like can I or may I? Oh I can do it.
ED LARSON
You should be asking should, should I?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, it depends on the funeral.
MARCUS PARKS
But while tactile necrophiles are aplenty in professional situations, including medical students who get erections while dissecting cadavers, some are regular joes who have to get their kicks at, as I said, funerals. One man who went by the initials W. R. to maintain anonymity said that he would follow obituaries, get dressed up in his Sunday best, and attend funerals where he might be able to see a dead body and maybe get in a touch or two so he could masturbate to the memory.
ED LARSON
You know they must have had armed guards around Anna Nicole Smith's body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, man. Just guys going like huh, like it's the defensive line. You just see them being like hey one! Hey one! Can't jump the line in scrimmage.
MARCUS PARKS
But while W. R. did claim that he would never engage in necrocoitus because he knew it was wrong-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He did admit after much prodding that he did fantasize about killing if the funerals in town were running a bit low that month.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See this is the problem. Again, dress somebody up, put them in a bunch of ice, play with them like they're a corpse but they're alive and everybody's agreeing on it. You know?
MARCUS PARKS
It's hard to get someone to agree to that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Sex dolls, wouldn't they be like a good substitute?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God, there was a whole spread on it in the Christmas issue last year of Angel Lust Magazine. But it's because they're not filled with blood and cum and shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's not real.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because part of it is is the transgression.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course. That's what makes it a paraphilia, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
What about taxidermy? Like a taxidermied person with a fleshlight in them?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's actually extremely difficult to get that going though.
MARCUS PARKS
Well we'll get to that later.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
It's illegal to taxidermy a person.
ED LARSON
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
I know.
ED LARSON
But it's still legal to fuck them in ten states.
MARCUS PARKS
Technically.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just another way, man. Another way that our freedoms are held down.
MARCUS PARKS
Well on the more extreme side of things when it comes to tactile necrophiles was a 30 year old sales clerk who went by the initial D. His thing was fellating corpses. Now there was something about abnormal fellation with this guy because before corpses he would fellate bulls or so he claimed. Now that's actually more of a stretch than anything for me personally.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I know from experience that bulls are quite a handful even when you're not trying to fellate them. He may however have had access to tame bulls and might not have minded the activity. That's the only way this would have worked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
At some point if you're getting your dick sucked across the animal kingdom, you begin to calm down.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's the thing, you gotta get close. The bull doesn't know you're going in to fellate it. And also most animals don't have sex for pleasure. So to him it's nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
How big was his mouth?
MARCUS PARKS
Well a bull cock is not that...
ED LARSON
It's not as big as you think it is?
MARCUS PARKS
It's not as big as you think it is, it's not like a horse cock.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This is the reason why we say horse cock instead of bull cock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Or donkey dick.
MARCUS PARKS
Donkey dick, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well bull cock sounds gross.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, bull cock sounds real awful, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Horse cock, sign me up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but cow dick?
ED LARSON
Weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cow dick is what you call a guy who's like fucking animals.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm an old fashioned cow dick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Horse cock is my Uncle Kevin.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
ED LARSON
Bullshit.
MARCUS PARKS
Not a man in your family. Not a man in your family!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, we are Irish-Scottish.
MARCUS PARKS
But when it came to corpses, D initially had a fear of dead bodies until someone suggested that he could cure his fear through immersion therapy, ie touching a corpse. That however kicked off a whole new avenue of fellatio for our young subject.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you even believe how many different ways I can suck dick?
MARCUS PARKS
Well after realizing that fellating corpses was his thing, he started hanging around a mortuary so he could slowly gain the trust of the undertaker. I feel bad for the undertaker. Once he made friends, this guy got access and he regularly began putting the floppy members of dead men into his mouth until he was finally caught and sentenced to three years in prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I must tell you, D, I have never met anyone else so enthusiastic about the science of the dead. And I... Oh my god D, you're just sucking their dicks? I told you to do their makeup and put metal rods in their spine! All right.
MARCUS PARKS
This is a corkscrew you must put it into the anus to keep all of the fluids from leaking and upsetting the family.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh you're sucking its dick? That's disgusting!
MARCUS PARKS
I feel so bad for him. The undertaker just thought he made a friend.
ED LARSON
It's so hard for undertakers to make friends.
MARCUS PARKS
I imagine so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah because everywhere you go doors open without you touching them and then there's always organ music playing.
MARCUS PARKS
Now if you doubted my earlier statement that necrophilia is far more complicated and nuanced than what we've been led to believe, keep in mind that we're about to talk about the fifth class of necrophiles and we still haven't even gotten to penetrative of sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we're at the G of the ROYGBIV of the rainbow of necrophile.
MARCUS PARKS
Class fives are the fetishistic necrophiles, although the definition of fetish in this case is not its most popular usage. Instead this is a fetish as an object.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Specifically a body part that has been removed from a corpse for sexual purposes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So they just like the little chunks. That's what the other guy was slowly graduating through.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. These necrophiles will cut off fingers, breasts, or they pop out an eyeball for later usage. Some of them even go as far they shave and they save a corpse's pubic hair.
ED LARSON
That should be allowed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait a second, someone made grandma look sexy?
MARCUS PARKS
It is however important to keep in mind that in order to be a class five, the corpse has to be already dead from something other than a necrophile's own hand when the necrophile mutilates it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because then it's just mutilating a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Jerry Brudos for example shoots right past class five because even though he did remove breasts and keep them as fetish objects, he killed the women whose breasts he removed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. This is not farm to table.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is you're going to the store.
MARCUS PARKS
This is foraging.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is foraging.
ED LARSON
Harm to table.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
But the most interesting fetishistic necrophile is a man who yes, did have sex with corpses, but did not choose body parts for his fetish object. Instead Jean Baptiste of Salt Lake City collected burial clothes from the corpses that he'd already buried once in the course of his job as the local grave digger. Now the evidence for Jean Baptiste being a penetrative necrophile is circumstantial but one can extrapolate from how his fetish was discovered that he probably did engage in sexual intercourse with at least one corpse before he was caught.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
See for about three years in the late 19th century, Jean Baptiste was a devout Mormon. He'd been recruited by missionaries in Australia and had been brought to America on an LDS immigration ship. Mormons used to do that all the time. They'd go out to Australia, England, wherever, they'd get a bunch of people together like hey, you want to go to America? Great. You can do it for free. You just gotta become a Mormon and go to this place called Utah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause I remember they did that big time in the UK.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The UK was big but they also apparently did it in Australia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Once arrived and established in Salt Lake City, Jean Baptiste became acting choir leader for his ward and he moved into a small house near the cemetery after he was hired as a grave digger.
ED LARSON
And then he eventually graduated from working for Stephen Colbert.
MARCUS PARKS
But this also put him closer to the objects of his affection. Now Jean Baptiste's fetish might have remained a secret forever had it not been for a criminal with the ridiculous name of Moroni Clawson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, that's a big pressure to be named Moroni.
MARCUS PARKS
That's big Mormon energy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. It's like being named Jesus Christ Sullivan.
ED LARSON
Or I'm An Idiot. Moron-I?
MARCUS PARKS
Do you know about Moroni?
ED LARSON
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's the guy that delivered Mormonism to Joseph Smith.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he he's the guy that brought the golden plates to Joseph Smith. He's a major, major figure in Mormonism.
ED LARSON
Okay, cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's like the second Jesus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a ghost.
MARCUS PARKS
Number two behind Jesus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's not real.
ED LARSON
Oh he's not real.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no. He's not. In 1862, Moroni and another man were accused of beating up the governor of Utah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's awesome. Wow. You could get to him back then.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you really could. And Moroni was shot and killed by police in the ensuing chase. But since nobody came forward in Salt Lake City to give Moroni a proper burial, the policeman who I assume was responsible for Moroni's death, an officer named Heath, agreed to pay for both the burial and a new suit for Moroni to take to the afterlife.
ED LARSON
A gentleman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's generous.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're very generous.
MARCUS PARKS
Very Mormon thing to do, I would say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Not long after though, Moroni Clawson's family in Draper, Utah got word of his death and they requested that the body be exhumed and move to their family plot. Once the casket was unearthed however, Clawson's found saw that not only was Moroni completely naked but he was also facing down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh. Yep.
ED LARSON
Take the time to flip him over.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just put the clothes back on.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean I would imagine with this one, well the clothes-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's down there, you know?
MARCUS PARKS
Well the clothes are all a part of it. But I'd imagine with this one, this was probably a let's get it covered up, let me get my shame covered up as fast as possible. I don't wanna spend anymore-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh once he came.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, once he came.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he was like oh no.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Moroni's brother then went to complain to Officer Heath whom he knew was responsible for the burial. And Heath was puzzled because he knew that Moroni had been buried in a suit that Heath had paid for himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I knew it was a special occasion so I went down to the store and I got him a birthday suit. I don't understand.
MARCUS PARKS
So Heath and Moroni Clawson's brother went to the local grave digger's home to see what was what. That grave digger was of course Jean Baptiste.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I have no idea what happened to his clothes! He's like wearing all of his clothes. I have no idea!
MARCUS PARKS
Now Jean was out digging a grave when the police arrived. But while questioning Jean's wife, Officer Heath noticed that there was a conspicuous amount of boxes containing soiled clothing stacked about the Baptiste living room. Upon closer examination, it became obvious that these were the clothes of the dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It sounds like he just became a very, very gothic version of a reseller.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well no, it's more of a hoarder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, gothic hoarder. After counting the pieces of clothing, it was surmised that Jean Baptiste had robbed over 300 graves of their clothing. Now there were no court records or newspaper articles concerning Jean Baptiste's punishment but this was Salt Lake City during the reign of Brigham Young. And Young actually spoke about the Baptiste case during a sermon that was written down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus Christ. I do think he's more mad about the stealing.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it was big news in Salt Lake City.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like this was a big, big deal.
ED LARSON
It's crazy how it's bigger than fighting the governor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. They beat up the governor.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Apparently the people of Salt Lake City wanted to hang Baptiste. But Young said that this would be too easy of a punishment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And life in prison would likewise quote "do nobody any good". So Young decided that the best punishment for Baptiste would be exiled to a small island on the Great Salt Lake where he would either survive or die.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just left him on an island?
MARCUS PARKS
They exiled him like he was fucking Napoleon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just sitting on that island. But is that it? With a tent and shit? There was a house?
MARCUS PARKS
They just put him out there and said survive or die. But the problem with this punishment is that Fremont Island was being used by a family to graze their cows.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's not the middle of the Pacific, it's the middle of Utah.
ED LARSON
Yeah but it's giant. Salt Lake is huge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's huge.
MARCUS PARKS
Massive, yeah.
ED LARSON
It's huge. And you need freshwater to live.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But there was freshwater there, there was a small shack on the island stocked with basic provisions. Therefore within six weeks, Jean Baptiste, living off of these provisions, he dismantled the shack and used the height of a heifer that he'd killed to build a raft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I gotta get back to these corpses! They're not gonna fuck themselves.
MARCUS PARKS
That raft then took Baptiste off Fremont Island. And while some claim that his skeleton was found the next year near the mouth of the Jordan River, Officer Heath had it on good authority that Baptiste had made his way to a mining camp in Montana, where he'd been heard bragging about his escape to the locals. Although I do not know if he was bragging about why he was sent to the island.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's one of those where if you're in jail and you pull your card, you just go well you know, things got complicated.
ED LARSON
It's the prequel to Cast Away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
Different Wilson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's a severed fucking butt.
MARCUS PARKS
This is Mr. Wilson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My father's Mr. Wilson.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as we progress along the necrophile classes, the bloodier the necrophiles are going to become. That's brings us to class six, the one with the coolest fucking name. That's where we find our necro-mutilo maniacs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(metal guitar riff)
MARCUS PARKS
(metal bassline) This is exactly what it sounds like. I gotta work on my metal bassline.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
(beat boxing)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(beat boxing)
MARCUS PARKS
No, that's funk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's funk.
MARCUS PARKS
This is exactly what it's like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It needs rumble. I just think of Jason Newsted.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is that most metal bands, the bass is turned pretty far down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually like when metal has more bass more pronounced.
MARCUS PARKS
I like the more pronounced bass as well. Oh yeah, there's this band that does awesome lofi stuff, they're called Poison Ruïn, they got this album called Härvest, it's so fucking good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna look it up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, anybody out there that's in Poison Ruïn that listens to this show, get a hold of us. I fucking love what you do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Fuck yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well necro-mutilo maniacs are exactly what they sound like. And while they are disturbing and violent, they again only commit these acts on cadavers that have died from some means other than murder at the necro-mutilo maniac's hand.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're doing good with the word.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Necro-mutilo maniac.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean it rolls off the tongue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does.
MARCUS PARKS
Well what you gotta do is you gotta make a little song of it like necro-mutilo maniac, necro- mutilo maniac. I did that for quite a long time yesterday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus, you want some pumpkin pie?
MARCUS PARKS
Necro-mutilo maniac.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We just love you're successful in Los Angeles.
ED LARSON
Domo arigato, necro-mutilo maniac.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (singing) Domo arigato, necro-mutilo. I can't do it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the worst of these that I read about was again in France. There, a young man discovered the dead body of his mother after her sudden death. Almost immediately he had sexual intercourse with the body, then pushed his arm deep inside through the vagina. He broke through to her abdominal cavity where he grabbed onto a handful of intestines and pulled out 2 meters worth.
ED LARSON
It's a lawnmower, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He then went back in and grabbed the liver amongst other various organs and parts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or you're not gonna wanna forget the liver.
MARCUS PARKS
After this blood orgy of destruction, the subject then got a bit tuckered out and he fell asleep wrapped in his mother's intestines. When he woke up, he was quite stupefied in his words over what he done. And while he was examined by a doctor, he was never charged with a crime nor was he ever confined to an asylum.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just were like all right, you can't do this again.
MARCUS PARKS
I only got one mother! How am I gonna do this again, I only got one mother.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, what am I gonna do? What do you want?
ED LARSON
Now do you think he loved her too much or not at all?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Too much.
MARCUS PARKS
I'd say too much, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
If you're falling asleep wrapped in your mother's intestines.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you're gonna have some Ed Gein vibes.
ED LARSON
That's why they gave him a pass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think so. They'd be like well he loves his mother.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I think the memory, they figured like maybe the memory of what he's done is gonna be bad enough. You gotta live with that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Take some pictures. So he sees kind of what you're looking like right now.
MARCUS PARKS
Now this guy is absolutely a class six but he could also be put into class seven, that of the opportunistic necrophile. These are people who like having sex with the living but would absolutely have sex with a corpse if given the chance. These are your world class perverts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
This is the anything goes group.
ED LARSON
The Duchovnys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. David Duchovny. The David Duchovny of necrophiliacs.
MARCUS PARKS
And this includes who else but disgraced UK media personality and all around monster, Sir Jimmy Savile.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we've been begged many times to do a series on Jimmy Savile.
MARCUS PARKS
And I think that's gonna be a case of be careful what you wish for.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One day I do want to do it but it is rough.
MARCUS PARKS
It's real rough.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And for those of you who don't know, because Eddie didn't know who Jimmy Savile was before the show-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is important to know, remember Jimmy Savile was an extremely popular media personality in the UK up until his death in 2011.
MARCUS PARKS
A cultural institution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, he was huge. He had a show called Jimmy Will Fix it.
MARCUS PARKS
Jim'll Fix It.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jim'll Fix It where kids would come on and they'd have some extravagant wish and he'd make it real. He also was deeply involved in the UK's government, he had all of these various charitable associations. He was everywhere. And then it turned out he was an absolutely rampant sadistic pedophile.
MARCUS PARKS
Every single thing that he did was all feeding into his sexual deviancy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Everything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But now what we now have discovered all of these fun cheeky ass jokes that he made about all of these things that he did, now you kind of re-look at stuff and you're like oh he might have been absolutely serious.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he was hiding in plain sight the entire time. He was absolutely serious. But that's the thing is that people still knew. I mean hell, back in like I think it was like 1978-79-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Johnny Rotten went on the BBC and said like you guys know Jimmy Savile is like a horrific monster, right? He's a pedophile. He got banned from the BBC for years for that.
ED LARSON
Crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was important. He knew the fucking queen.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he was a sir.
ED LARSON
That's our second knight on this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, oh yeah.
ED LARSON
We're dogging the French but this is our second knight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm saying, man. Europe has got some tastes, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Savile told hospital staff at Broadmoor Hospital where he quote unquote "volunteered", and this is an example of him just saying shit and people only later realizing like oh he was being serious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or he might have been, I mean who knows? But he was definitely under the guise that he was joking, he's joking, he's a funny guy.
MARCUS PARKS
He told them that he posed with corpses in lewd positions, took selfies with them, and stole their jewelry. He also had a really horrific Christmas song called Jingle Jangle Jewelry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what we were doing at the top.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's what we were doing at the top.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Come and suck me clinkers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, come and suck me clinkers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Choke your chicken up me charlie-hole.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lovely, lovely jingle jangle jewelry. Time to chuck your muck over your sister's jubblies.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, chucking your muck I think is-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cumming.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the worst euphemism for cumming that I've ever heard in my life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, on your sister's tits? Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's real bad. Christmas song.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's cold out.
MARCUS PARKS
Gimme some nice warm goo! Come on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See Savile was friends with the chief mortician at the Leeds General Infirmary Mortuary. And that mortician gave Savile unsupervised access to the dead for 20 years.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
One nurse claimed that Savile would sometimes perform oral sex on corpses, an act that Savile disgustingly called gamaroosh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he sucked enough corpse dick to have a nickname for it.
MARCUS PARKS
No, he just called oral sex in general gamaroosh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!
ED LARSON
You think he was sucking dick or eating them out?
MARCUS PARKS
He was eating them out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was eating pussy, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's pretty common amongst necrophiles, they start with cunnilingus.
ED LARSON
Okay, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They just bury their fucking faces right in there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do I feel like I'd end with cunnilingus?
MARCUS PARKS
You'd end with cunnilingus?
ED LARSON
Because it's already filled with your cum.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it depends on what you do with it. Ugh.
ED LARSON
So you would end it in cunnilingus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you not feel that cunnilingus is a more intimate exercise than just penetrative sex?
MARCUS PARKS
I feel like it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I'm saying.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like just going nose deep into a fucking dead woman's corpse, into her vagina, is more intense than fucking.
MARCUS PARKS
I think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Touching boobies is probably the first way, then more.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you start with that.
ED LARSON
I imagine that's where everyone goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I like to bathe my corpse-
ED LARSON
If they left me alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I like to bathe her in milk and I brush her hair and then I play the violin for a couple hours.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You'd be like an Egyptian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I will dispel a rumor. There was a rumor going around that ancient Egyptians used to have a ritual to keep the embalmers from having sex with the dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
They would just make sure like okay, let him decompose for a few days before you really let the embalmers around him because sometimes they'll fuck the dead. But that's not true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's like having, yeah, a creepy uncle.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where you're like don't let the kids near Uncle Peter but he's hilarious.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they used to fuck the cats.
MARCUS PARKS
The Egyptians, you're saying. I don't think they ever fucked the cats.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. Did Ancient Egyptians fuck cats?
MARCUS PARKS
Any of our egyptologists out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They worshiped them. I know they worshiped them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I don't know if they fucked them.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know if we can tell. I don't know if it's in any hieroglyphics out there.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll find out.
MARCUS PARKS
Another witness said that Savile would brag about stealing glass eyes from corpses. And while showing them off, he would say quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"You know what they are? They're glass eyes from dead bodies in Leeds. I wheel the bodies around at night and I love that."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he says these things and I guess I feel like people thought at the time, I mean it's extreme, he's talking about mutilating corpses and stuff.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you think like oh, Jimmy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's always oh, Jimmy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're funny as hell. Oh you're being cheeky, innit? And then he just might not have been.
MARCUS PARKS
And he got away with it completely scot free.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It didn't come out until after he died.
ED LARSON
Yeah. He passed it all down to Jimmy Carr.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
We stayed at the same hotel as him once and he looked very perturbed the entire time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He looked very upset.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I've hung out with him a bunch, he's all right.
MARCUS PARKS
8 Out of 10 Cats is a good show.
ED LARSON
I never saw it.
MARCUS PARKS
It's in England, it's like a panel show. It's quite fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is it about cats or...?
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's a whole panel, it's one of those panel shows where all the Brits have fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, sure. And they're like (unintelligible nonsense).
MARCUS PARKS
It's exactly like that, yeah. But after all that, we finally arrive at class eight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah dude.
MARCUS PARKS
This is where we find our classic necrophiles, those who actually have sex with corpses but don't kill to obtain the bodies they copulate with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally we're in an hour and change into the episode and we just got to fucking a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
It is a rainbow! I'm telling ya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. This is the indigo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They do however go to great lengths to obtain these corpses which separates them from class sevens. One class eight admitted that he would attend funerals and pose as a mourner so he could get a good look at the corpse to make sure that she was quote unquote "worth digging up later".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very Mr. Bean-y.
MARCUS PARKS
But the necrophile who has the most famous quote attached to him is yet another Frenchman named Henri Blot, AKA the vampire of Saint-Ouen. Now Blot, a young Parisian waiter by day, wasn't actually that prolific because he got caught after only his second corpse. But Blot became famous for what he said in court after the judge expressed his horror concerning Blot's actions. From records, Blot said "Que voulez-vous, chacun a ses passions. Moi le cadavre, c'est la mienne!" Translated to English in which Henri sounds much different, that means:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"What do you want? We all have different desires. Mine's corpses!" Sue me!
ED LARSON
Henri turned into Henry.
MARCUS PARKS
Another more prolific necrophile, yet again French, was Victor Ardisson, the vampire of Muy, who was captured in 1901. Perhaps the most disgusting necrophile we'll cover today, buckle in on this one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is saying a lot.
ED LARSON
So this is the worst.
MARCUS PARKS
This is the worst, yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay, cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's close to it. I'd still... There's a couple...
MARCUS PARKS
This one I would say. Well I'll refresh your memory on this guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And I think by the time we get to the end, you may agree with me that this one is the grossest one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not fighting.
MARCUS PARKS
Well perhaps the most disgusting necrophile we'll cover today, Victor was aroused by a number of paraphilias including kids, incest, blood drinking, and particularly big urine fan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh it should be the vampire of pee.
MARCUS PARKS
Instead of Muy. Vampire of pee. It's very good. It's very, very good. Supposedly when he was a young boy, he would lick the urine from the toilet seats of his classmates while masturbating in full view of anyone who cared to watch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Vampire of pee.
MARCUS PARKS
He also drank his own semen after masturbation, saying quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
"It's a pity to let it go to waste." Not a charmer in the bunch.
ED LARSON
In France though they use semen as coffee cream.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They make it into cheese.
MARCUS PARKS
Now in 1882, the town grave digger died and since there were only four or five burials a month in Victor's town, it wasn't a well paying job. That's why it went to Victor Ardisson's stepfather, Honoré Ardisson. And Honoré often took Victor, then ten years old, out on the job. Years later though after Honoré had a frightful experience in which he fell into a grave, injured his foot, and couldn't get out, the town decided to give the job to the local deviant, Victor Ardisson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll do it!
ED LARSON
Fine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you!
MARCUS PARKS
He'd grown in the profession, he'd been going out with his father for years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love to do it!
MARCUS PARKS
And over the next few years, Victor would violate over 100 corpses. Now Victor did have some aspects of a romantic necrophile, as he would often talk to the corpses he had sex with and would be genuinely upset when they didn't talk back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't act like I am not talking to you! That's why it's so much fun. Just you're in the cemetery just like...
MARCUS PARKS
He also became a bit of a cemetery pest, asking mourners from what disease the recently deceased had died. He didn't want to catch anything.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's curious.
ED LARSON
So far the most responsible of the bunch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's just asking questions.
MARCUS PARKS
More than anything though, Victor was also a horrific necro-mutilo maniac. In one case, he dug up the recently deceased corpse of a 13 year old girl. But upon finding her body too heavy to carry back home, he detached the head with the help of a pocket knife and kept the head at his stepfather's house.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a part of the things they don't talk about with, I think we talk a little bit with the series and on the book with Ed Gein about how physically strong you kind of have to be to be a grave robber.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's really difficult.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He needed to do some like deadlifts.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean, carrying 100 lbs of dead weight is really difficult.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They were all deadlifts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. The first ones.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he then kept the head for kissing purposes until it putrefied and neighbors began to complain of the smell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sorry, it's my girlfriend. She's from France.
MARCUS PARKS
In his most disgusting venture, and this is where I think he gets put on top, Victor disinterred the corpse of a toddler and used it for so-called oral sex until the body completely putrefied into goo. According to Victor, he was hoping that he would bring the corpse back to life by having sex with it. But this corpse was also the one that got Victor caught.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't think it's good.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Since he couldn't bear to get rid of the toddler's corpse, he kept it in the attic and neighbors began to complain of the smell. For some reason though, Honoré, Victor's stepfather, was also keeping garbage in the attic. So he assumed that was the source of the odor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but a rotting toddler, not that I know, but I don't think it smells like garbage.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it smells like any other thing. Anything, any kind of rotting flesh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But when he entered the attic to remove said garbage at the urging of his neighbors, he discovered the remains of the toddler lying on a straw bed that Victor had made himself. Honoré did not however immediately recognize the small pile of putrefying flesh as a corpse. Since the attic was dark, Honoré assumed that the corpse was some kind of animal. So he struck it with a shovel and splattered the remains all over the room and himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta check that.
ED LARSON
This poor old man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. I mean why is he keeping garbage in the attic?
ED LARSON
He doesn't know anything. I'm just surprised he can still get upstairs.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean he wasn't that old, he was in his 50s.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But just randomly whacking something with a shovel.
MARCUS PARKS
And also Victor Ardisson, he wasn't born in a vacuum. He came from a long line of psychopaths and deviants.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, everyone's fucked.
MARCUS PARKS
All of the Ardisson's were fucked up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're hoarding garbage.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're hoarding garbage in the attic. And this is in the days when garbage is just rotting shit.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it's just fish heads and shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But once Honoré realized what it was that he had thwacked with the shovel, he reported it to the authorities and Victor was placed under arrest. And to my previous point, it was soon discovered that the vampire of Muy had no sense of taste or smell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I mean I could tell by his shirt.
MARCUS PARKS
He also showed no sign of remorse or regret, although he did promise to never have sex with a dead body ever again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I promise! And that's as good as jail.
MARCUS PARKS
That promise however was not good enough. Victor Ardisson was sentenced to life in a psychiatric hospital where he died in 1944 aged 71 years old, 43 years after he was captured.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, never had a boring time in the lunchroom.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's for certain. Any time you sat by him, he had something horrible to say. Yeah, so far he's bad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's in institutions. I mean he's kind of like how Ed Gein was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
After Gein was captured he lived for another 30 years in an institution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually did I ever tell you that I had a listener that sent an email, we were talking about that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who had worked with Ed Gein, whose family, I believe father was working with him as one of the mental asylum like assistants.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And he was apparently very sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone said he was a model, Ed Gein was like the sweetest guy around again.
ED LARSON
He loved his mama.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah he did. Again, he loved her too much.
MARCUS PARKS
He never fucked his mother. I don't know how many times I have to tell you this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was inside of her tits. I think it's enough.
MARCUS PARKS
He never dug up his mother! I've told you this like dozens of times. He never dug up his mother.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I won't. I'm letting him get in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Ever! He was too afraid of her.
ED LARSON
So he never buried her.
MARCUS PARKS
No, she was buried.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she was interred. He would then go after people that looked like his mother.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He dug up the grave next to his mother.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And many more besides that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The women he killed kind of looked like her.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Like a gentleman.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now it's easy to see how Victor Ardisson could have made the jump from necrophilia to murder. And that brings us to class nine, the type of necrophile that we're all most familiar with. These are the homicidal necrophiles. Your Bundys, your Dahmers, and such and such.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they look down on the other classes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah because these guys are baking their own bread.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like I make opportunities for myself.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But for an example of this type, we're gonna go for a lesser known criminal from the UK named David Fuller.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I put him near the top of like the idea of your full necrophiliac, right. Like he is fully into necrophilia and also he is a murderer. But those are kind of like he started with murder.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then just was like this is a lot for me, I just like these fucking, I just gotta get these corpses. And I will say like it's gotta be a lot to see yourself. There was a documentary called Monster in the Morgue: David Fuller and there's a lot of like footage of him and kind of what he was talking about. And just that poster of like you never wanna find yourself on a poster for a movie.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where it's you outside of a morgue like with a smile on. Because nothing happened good.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But yeah, you didn't get the Heisman. You know what I mean? If you're the monster of the morgue.
ED LARSON
Well it sounds like he did get the Heisman of killing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just having sex with corpses.
MARCUS PARKS
Now while David did kill two women in 1987 in separate attacks in their homes to do with the bodies what he would, he wasn't caught for the crimes until the year 2020 when DNA finally matched him to the crime scene. I think it was one of those, wasn't it one of those sort of like 23andMe, kind of like how they caught the original Night Stalker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, that's how they got him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. When police searched his home computer though, they found a massive trove of images that capture his many crimes against the dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
See Fuller had access to the local hospital morgue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was an electrician.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And his hard drive was filled with over 4 million images of obscene and illegal acts, including thousands of pictures of him performing sexual offenses on corpses ranging in ages from 9-100.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they try to get him, he was married uh multiple times. He was married, he cheated on his wife which is also really interesting because I also think like that's one of his biggest crimes is adultery.
ED LARSON
Amen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because think about that, you can't even stay loyal to your wife and you're also fucking multiple corpses?
MARCUS PARKS
Faithful married men, all three here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yes, that's right. That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what keeps us, that's what makes us hold the line. But he hid his hard drives filled with this stuff in a, like he had a desk, it was against a wall and he carved a hole in the wall. So the hard drives would go, they were in a pocket, they were put behind a desk and the hard drives would go up against the thing. They finally went in, they talked to his family, fully kind of like quote unquote "normal" life. He would do all the stuff but it wasn't just... It was pedophilia, beastiality.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was all of it in one go. He was busy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He was sending it to Bin Laden.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's just go ahead and say yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes he was. David also kept meticulous records of each victim, detailing the name and age of each one, which helped police identify no less than 80 victims.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See one of the worst parts of them trying to identify everything is that you basically had to watch the video of him fucking a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you had to try to capture, like this is what the cops are talking about, when the camera would catch a toe tag or catch an identifying mark. Because he also knew, it was a lot of like on his face, like (moaning) I'm about to arrive! And then back to corpse. It wasn't great cinematography.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it wasn't good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was more like a found footage film.
MARCUS PARKS
It was for him.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well they asked him. They're like why did you film this? And he sat and he was like I don't know.
ED LARSON
I'm sure those cops saved a lot on lunch that year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys wanna get another Sweetgreens? Oh. Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Ironically though, Fuller was able to carry on his photography hobby for so long because he knew which parts of the morgue were covered by CCTV and which ones weren't. So he was able to continue taking pictures of himself committing unspeakable acts on corpses just so long as he stayed out of the sight of the hospital's cameras. But when it comes to being a little too on the nose, David Fuller was also the quote unquote "unofficial photographer" for the UK band Cutting Crew in the mid 80s. Now David followed Cutting Crew on tour with his wife, which is strange considering how they were a one hit wonder. But that number one spoke to David in a way that say Rock Me, Amadeus, Two of Hearts, or any other 1986 hit could. This is David's song. (I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight by Cutting Crew plays)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's such hack bullshit.
MARCUS PARKS
(singing) I just died in your arms tonight!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Walk away!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Have you seen the video for this?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's great.
ED LARSON
Do you think he's in... Because the video is just them photographing the band.
MARCUS PARKS
The video was shot in Australia.
ED LARSON
Oh okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I checked. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why that song?
MARCUS PARKS
I just died in your arms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he liked that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they died hours ago. You know what I mean?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I know. I think he just liked someone dying in someone's arms and it being romantic. (singing) Must have been something you said!
ED LARSON
I should have walked away.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa. Guilt.
MARCUS PARKS
Guilt, guilt. Now after class nines you have the final category, the class 10. That is the exclusive necrophile. Which that's actually the name of the magazine, it's not Angel Lust.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh that's good. Exclusive Necrophile.
MARCUS PARKS
Exclusive Necrophile. That's the kind that can't have any sexual experience with the living and must exclusively use the dead for their sexual needs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a gold star necrophile.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, these are the rarest. This is your Andrei Chikatilos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Red Ripper. Yeah. He's a class ten.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He literally couldn't get hard unless they were dead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
You should read the book, I wrote a whole chapter on it.
ED LARSON
I like the coloring book.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then they come in and be like I paint all these little uteruses pink, right?
MARCUS PARKS
But instead of covering Chikatilo yet again, if you want to know about Chikatilo you can go read The Last Book on the Left, wrote a whole chapter about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we don't need to cover Chikatilo again.
MARCUS PARKS
We don't. I put that man behind me. We thought that we'd leave you with one of the nicer necrophilia stories, relatively speaking.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
We're gonna go all the way back to class two, the romantic necrophiles, for the story of Carl Tänzler.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is again, if you think you're in love, I don't know if you are.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Tänzler is a very necrophiliac last name.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well his real name is Carl von, that's what he was known as, Carl von Cosel.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Well Tänzler was like his American name because he was German, he was a German immigrant. He was a radiologist in his mid 50s, he'd immigrated to Florida, set up in Key West.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of Germans moved to Florida.
ED LARSON
Yeah, there's so many extra people in Key West. People just disappear all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this was back in 1931.
ED LARSON
Oh so he knew Hemingway.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah! I bet him and Hemingway-
ED LARSON
They definitely got hammered one night.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Best buddies.
ED LARSON
(slurring) So how many toes does your cat have?
MARCUS PARKS
Well he began working at a local tuberculosis ward. And it was there that he became obsessed with a 22 year old Cuban tuberculosis patient named Maria Elena Milagro de Hoyos. Tänzler had arrived in America five years earlier with his family. They had settled in Zephyrhills. Do you know Zephyrhills?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
ED LARSON
It's the spring water.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh cool.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But don't buy the Zephyrhills spring water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't.
ED LARSON
It's Nestle brand. Nestle owns it. They're just stealing the water and selling it back to us, those fucking sons of bitches. Ruining the good name of Zephyr Hills along with Tänzler.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he's not helping.
MARCUS PARKS
But Tänzler soon left his wife and child behind to romantically pursue the young dying Cuban. Now there's no word on Elena's feelings concerning any of this but we do know that Tänzler showered her with jewelry, clothing, and affection for 18 months until she finally succumbed to tuberculosis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please, will you please stop giving me necklaces and bring me medicine? I do not need more chocolate, what I need is medicine. (coughing) I do not know why you keep doing this.
MARCUS PARKS
Death however did not end Tänzler's obsession.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Finally.
MARCUS PARKS
Using his own money, Tänzler built a massive mausoleum for Elena de Hoyos and preserved her body in formaldehyde. For the next two years he visited her corpse to talk to it and even went so far as to install a working telephone in the mausoleum to complete the fantasy that she might one day call back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now this is not that bad yet.
ED LARSON
Can I ask a question?
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
So was she like a big jar?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Like a jar of formaldehyde?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, she wasn't in a big jar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She wasn't?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
They just filled the coffin with formaldehyde?
MARCUS PARKS
I think he just dabbed her with formaldehyde.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I actually don't know for sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But I don't think it was in a big jar. It wasn't like (knocking) honey?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Either way, she wasn't in there long.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well she was in there for two years.
ED LARSON
God, it's so hot down there too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man.
MARCUS PARKS
Inside an unventilated mausoleum in Key West.
ED LARSON
Oh my god!
MARCUS PARKS
And he went there almost every day.
ED LARSON
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well maybe that's why he finally decided to cut the commute and he brought the body to his own home. The corpse though had decomposed past the point of recognition because it's fucking Florida, bodies decompose fast in Florida.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, buddy.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And if you look at her too, wow. You look at her.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Beautiful makeup job.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well Tänzler effectively restored the body. Using piano wire and coat hangers to keep the corpse's bones together, Tänzler also gave it glass eyes and a wig.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(German accent) Ah, there you are. Your curls are restored once again!
MARCUS PARKS
The rotted skin was replaced with silk and the putrefied organs were removed and replaced with rags. The pièce de résistance was a paper tube that replaced the vagina so Tänzler could have sex with the corpse.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. If these paper straws are anything like that tube... You might as well. I mean like who cares about the turtles?
MARCUS PARKS
I would imagine he would have to replace it with fair regularity.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, I see it this whole time of the month.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this went on for seven years until Elena's sister finally discovered what Tänzler had been doing to Elena's corpse. The sister reported Tänzler to the police and the body was buried in an unmarked grave while Tänzler was in jail, all so he could never find and disturb the body ever again. This however didn't stop the fantasy. Tänzler replaced the corpse with a life size doll replica of Elena using her death mask and he lived with it until his death in 1952.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not bad.
ED LARSON
See that's what they all should be doing. He seems like the most tame of everybody.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean he did steal and defile the corpse of a woman who may or may not have been extremely annoyed with his constant advances.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We don't know.
ED LARSON
I didn't say he was great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, not a charmer.
MARCUS PARKS
That's why I said relatively. It's relatively sweet. It's definitely sweet compared to the guy who ripped his mother's guts out through her abdominal wall.
ED LARSON
Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Actually I understand that too in a way.
MARCUS PARKS
In a way?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just he's gotta be sad.
MARCUS PARKS
He is sad. Well let's leave you with the seemingly romantic words of Carl Tänzler which show the depths of his madness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(German accent) "Long I lay thus, holding her closely to me. The living and the dead united in love. The sweetness of this was divine. Never had I dreamt that she had preserved so sweet and intense a love for me after being in the grave for so long. Was it possible? I could hardly grasp or believe it. But here was the undeniable evidence. Life and death united together, eye to eye." Cool.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man. You gotta write something Julie now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, that's a good idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Meet you at Sloppy Joe's.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How I love your boobies and the way I get access to them. Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep, that's necrophilia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good work, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Thanks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was really excited about this topic, I think we really did it.
MARCUS PARKS
I think we did it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Like you mentioned it to me yesterday and I felt the same way, I am pleasantly not that upset.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it is? Again, we talked about this. I don't care what you do to my corpse.
ED LARSON
A body is trash when you're done with it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then it's just more like then you gotta deal with that guy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like it's the guy-
MARCUS PARKS
It's not behavior you want to encourage. I think that's the thing about the law is that we don't want guys having sex with corpses in a society in general.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
we just don't want it.
MARCUS PARKS
We just don't want that to happen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because I don't mind. Again, I believe that we are over policed.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we are over punished. But I think that in this case they might need to make an example out of some of these guys.
MARCUS PARKS
It needs to be discouraged.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Discouraged.
MARCUS PARKS
It needs to be greatly discouraged.
ED LARSON
If you were gonna do it, do it in Oklahoma where it is legal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They need to be sprayed, you know how you keep a cat? You get the spray.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta put lemon juice on the corpse or something. Something he's not gonna be into. Spray with Axe body spray, make it not smell like a corpse.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well maybe yeah, some of them do have a sense of smell and they like the smell of death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do. Some of them do.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm sure some of them very much do.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's what what's her name, Greenlee talked about how she liked the smell of the corpse. And she only liked it when the fucking blood was coming out of the mouth, that was her version of cumming.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I'm glad we leave it like that. Now we have a lot of shit coming down the fucking pipe. Next week we're going to announce our new brand of coffee. It's fucking tasty. I made it for my mother this morning and she straight up said Henry Thomas, I gotta say this is very delicious coffee. And then she proceeded to put four Sweet'N Lows in it. And so she did. But she did originally taste it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it was very, very good. I'm very excited.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're not coffee snobs here. You can have your coffee however you like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. But you know, I like it just with milk.
ED LARSON
Should we really be advertising food right now?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's coffee.
MARCUS PARKS
Coffee is very food safe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's not like it's Last Podcast on the Left stroganoff. You know what I mean? That would be a difficult sell. Jarred stroganoff.
ED LARSON
I think it'd be good to hide a body in a bunch of coffee beans.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. In coffee grounds?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think that's a great idea.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well let's ask Colombia.
ED LARSON
Yeah, say how much how much coffee do you have for sale?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
10 million lbs. But then we also have Operation Sunshine. It is now out. It is released next week, Operation Sunshine #2 is going to come out to your local comic book store. Go and check it out.
MARCUS PARKS
Go check it out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then we just reminded everyone we are for certain coming to Australia next summer.
ED LARSON
Fuck yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna figure out what that is. I don't know what it is. But that's just the beginning of a bunch of new shit. Very, very excited. What the fuck else?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Just all kinds of cool shit going on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Streams!
MARCUS PARKS
Don't forget to go to twitch.tv/lpntv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Twitch.com/lpntv.
MARCUS PARKS
We have a new address for our Twitch channel, it's twitch.tv/lpntv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And we got No Dogs in Space every other Monday. GUD PUD is coming back, we're gonna do another GUD PUD right before we leave for our little Thanksgiving break, November 16th.
MARCUS PARKS
And starting this week the Last Stream on the Left is gonna be moving times.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
So if you out there on the east coast or beyond, if the last time was too late for you, we're now gonna be doing it at 6pm PST.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
9pm EST.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's our new live.
MARCUS PARKS
I imagine we're gonna have a lot more people watching it live. Go join our Patreon if you wanna watch that live. It's a good time, there's a bunch of people in the chat. It's a lot more fun interacting with people live. So come on out, check it out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fun as hell, come see the shows.
ED LARSON
That's right. And you can watch us do the episode on Patreon as well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. You'll see all the videos of us slapping around and fucking around, being fucking big idiots and shit.
ED LARSON
Every other Wednesday The Brighter Side on LPN TV.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
And I'll be in Brea on November 17th & 18th opening for Jeff Ross, so come check it out. I'm doing a nice healthy set. So come check it out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Is that the Brea Improv?
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
The Brea Improv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, go check it out, man.
ED LARSON
I don't think they do comedy anywhere else in Brea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. The rest of it's just angry people about the vaccine. Well hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
And I love all of you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail me.
ED LARSON
Especially the ones that have sex with dead people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? We're looking at you, volunteer firemen we're looking at you!