HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like how today's episode was supposed to like not be heavy or scary, right. Because it's a true crime roundup.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we like to see some fun true crime stories and get into it. And then you showcase the scariest story I've read in months.
MARCUS PARKS
Really? I would guess that would be the mushroom trip one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! That's a scary ass story.
MARCUS PARKS
It's terrifying.
ED LARSON
Okay. Well I don't know anything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you not read any of these?
MARCUS PARKS
No, I wanted it to be a surprise. I wanted to bring it to him Roundtable style where he doesn't know anything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's great. I like to keep you a virgin.
ED LARSON
I'm just gonna go sleep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What a great function. What a great third mic.
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Marcus Parks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm Henry Zebrowski.
ED LARSON
And I'm Ed Larson! What's up, baby?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, who, whoa. Ed Nation going wild.
ED LARSON
Woo! Woo!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can hear them.
ED LARSON
Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. I got shot! But this story, this is not gonna be pleasant for you, Eddie. Because this is horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you afraid of flying?
ED LARSON
No, I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No but it's not about it. I'm not afraid of flying.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I'm afraid of people.
ED LARSON
Of course!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And what they do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This is very much a story about the human element.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The human element gone wrong. How one guy can really fuck things up for a lot of people.
ED LARSON
Like that German bastard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And also probably the guy with the Malaysian flight. But we don't really know, that's still a mystery.
ED LARSON
You think so?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're saying that they do believe that it was purposefully downed but we don't know why.
ED LARSON
Maybe the blindfold got in the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I tried to show everyone how good of a pilot I am! I could do it by sticking his hand out the window like feeling the air drift.
MARCUS PARKS
Let's do it. The off duty pilot who almost brought down a passenger jet while tripping on magic mushrooms has broken his silence over the quote unquote "imaginary journey" that almost ended in tragedy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't believe he's allowed to break his own silence. This is a scary ass story and also he wasn't currently tripping on mushrooms.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean it is debatable as to whether he was still suffering from the effects of hallucinogens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He ate it six days earlier.
MARCUS PARKS
Two days earlier.
ED LARSON
That's still no. For mushrooms? This is giving mushrooms a bad name. This guy is a psychopath and he's fucking calling it out on the mushrooms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll get there, we'll find out.
MARCUS PARKS
We'll get there. Joseph Emerson, 44, said he took the psychedelic drugs two days before the fateful flight on October 22nd while on a weekend getaway to remember his best friend.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And that I think, we always talk about with psychedelics set in settings. This guy was out on somewhat of a trip with his buddies to remember a buddy, like the best man at his wedding had died.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, in 2018.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
One of his best friends died and even his wife said he was the same. But he is a true blue pilot. Joseph Emerson was this guy that dreamed and trained to be a pilot his whole life. He was really, really excited about it. But I guess I was sort of reading because in the New York Times article that was about this man, talking about the interview with him, one of the things that came out was that I guess with pilots, they're not... Well how do you put it? You can go and say you're having mental health issues to your boss. But if you go on medication or if they decide to, for a while, for a long time you were not allowed to have any sort of mental health issue that involved medication and be a pilot at the same time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They didn't allow it. But then he went in, he was like I've been sad ever since my friend died. And so like well we could get you on medication but that grounds you. Now they put you on a period of sort of like they watch you for a while. But it turns out he was sad for like a minute and then didn't really do anything about it because he didn't want to lose his momentum in his career.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I mean it's hard to find pilots too these days. There's a pilot shortage. They're always going on fucking strike. They're underpaid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. Honestly I went to the Barney's Beanery and I met like 15 of them.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the Alaska Airlines pilot and father of two says he was in a sleepless stupor for the next 48 hours after taking mushrooms, questioning reality while suffering repeat panic attacks. In an interview with the New York Times from county jail, Emerson offered a disturbing glimpse into the bizarre near catastrophe where he almost killed 83 people, urinated on himself, stripped naked, tried to masturbate to break him out of his own stupor-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've done it before and it works.
ED LARSON
Get the devil out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got to.
ED LARSON
Yes. It's evil in your body, you gotta fucking let it leak out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let your penis be your guide.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he tried to flee custody. He's facing 83 counts of attempted murder, one for everyone on board.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh he's fucked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's very fucked. So apparently he took these mushrooms and he was hanging out with his buddies and he said that in the middle of it he became, which I know this very feeling, he said that they did a big bonfire. And they did the very classic, it's six days before he was going to be on a plane again. And they were sitting with him and they're like we're here for this weekend, you should try mushrooms. And he had never done mushrooms. He said he even voided when guys were smoking weed, he'd leave.
MARCUS PARKS
44 is way too old to do mushrooms for the first time like with buddies.
ED LARSON
Especially a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
I know like right now mushrooms are doing really well with sort of, what do you call it? Psychiatric help.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
But that's like under the care of a doctor.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's great. But just doing it with your buddies while you're laser focused on the death of your best friend, it's a bad idea.
ED LARSON
And like your random bro doesn't exactly know, because every bag of mushrooms is different.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All of them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
So you never know how much to really take. Here's a little tip for you people. If there's a lot of blue in there, that's gonna be a wild ride.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. And a little one that is all blue is way, way stronger than a big one that is mostly white.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Gold flakes are good too, gold flakes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how you know it's gonna be fucking killer. Like fuck yeah, bro. But we're talking about when it goes wrong. Now this guy, the problem is I actually push back. I don't think that the age is the issue, I think it's what you're saying, it's amount.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that you when you go and you go get microdose treatment from an actual psychiatrist, they measure it out, it's all ground out, it's grown in a lab, it's like made specifically for it. And they do it in very precise amounts. And is what we also know, which we'll say about any drug, take less than you think because you can always take more.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can't undtake what you've already taken.
ED LARSON
That's right.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so it sounds like he took the drugs and he was like this is cool, this maybe helped me. And then he became fixated on the flames and then got deep into the bonfire.
ED LARSON
Well I mean looks cooler than a bunch of fire when you're on mushrooms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then he said he started to slide, started going being like this is groovy. It's cool. But then he did the thing where he thought about every mistake he's ever made.
ED LARSON
Never a good idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But again, it's hard, it's hard to do it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because again, it's a psychedelic. You don't know where that horse is gonna go sometimes.
MARCUS PARKS
Well especially if your buddy is just sort of leaving you alone to stare into the fire. And also you gotta tell people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta use your words.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you gotta tell people but not-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm freaking out here. Use the words. I'm freaking out here, man.
ED LARSON
Yeah. The thing I always tell people is like if you start to freak out, remind yourself you have taken drugs and you can think about this again in 4-6 hours.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's gonna be over. This whole drug experience is gonna be over unless you're Joseph Emerson and then it lasts for a bunch of days and you try to kill everybody in a plane.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He was off duty and should have had an easy flight to San Francisco ahead of him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
He sat up in the cockpit, so he wasn't actually flying the plane. But the other pilots said he quickly showed signs of erratic behavior and as the plane reached cruising altitude, I don't know why I relate to this so much, I know this moment, he threw off his headset and declared 'I'm not okay!'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Oh no, I know the exact feeling. So he said he walked into the airport. The first thing was, and this is also a good for you to know when you know whether or not it's good for you to start driving after a party. When he walked into this airport, he was like everything's different but it's wrong. And then they're saying like security is like doing it wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is not the way, they're doing it out of order, they're saying weird things to me. He started saying I'm not understanding what people are saying to me. He keeps texting his wife just being like I'm not doing good. Which I've been in a panic state where being like I just want to fucking be back with you, baby.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And she's just like ugh, it's getting intense. And he goes into the airport, he said nothing was done right. And then he got on and then he was texting with his wife on the plane.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Basically. And then he said something to his buddies being like, going back forth, I think something's going on with me, blah, blah, blah, one of the last messages. And then finally he just threw the headphones off.
MARCUS PARKS
Well what happened is that he got a text to voice message in his... He had AirPods on and he got a text in and it read the text over his AirPods and for some reason that freaked him out. I don't know what it was.
ED LARSON
That pisses me off as well.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't like it. either.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't like it either.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't like it. And it's probably one of those like Google news alert, colon, like a long headline. You have those ones where it just sends you some weird spam one and it reads every letter of it and then you're-
ED LARSON
Microplastics are consuming your body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is me, Andrea Schmitz, and I'm asking you for your donation. The only thing that stands between us and tyranny is $4 sent to me, Andrea Schmitz.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's always I'm sitting there like listening to something and having a really good time, really getting into it, and it'll be like message from Ed Larson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey fuck, you want big meat?
MARCUS PARKS
Look at this crocodile. It is big. Would you like to respond?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, stop! Get away from me!
ED LARSON
It's very accurate.
MARCUS PARKS
Well suddenly Emerson grabbed the plane's overhead emergency fire suppression handles, leading to a desperate struggle between himself and the pilots to keep the jet in air.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he said that he felt he was caught in a dream.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he didn't know if anything was real or not. And then he was going being like you're not real, you're not real. Bad. That's two times this year we got people calling people not real on a plane.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not good.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it says something about the election cycle coming up.
ED LARSON
The air madness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, air madness. Can't wait to start going back on tour. And so he said you're not real. And he said the way to prove that this was not real was to try to kill himself and everybody in this plane. So that pull handle is what cuts the gas immediately to the engines in case of fire.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he pulled it, they all freaked out. They called in a medical emergency.
MARCUS PARKS
He tried to pull it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He tried to pull it.
MARCUS PARKS
He didn't pull it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then he begged to be tied down.
ED LARSON
Well yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well first, before he begged to be tied down, he started walking up and down the aisles of the plane. He's like nobody's bothered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nobody's bothered.
MARCUS PARKS
Nobody's bothered, nobody's paying attention to me. I think this is still a dream.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like he still hadn't yet fucking realized it.
ED LARSON
Was he dressed like a pilot?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I think you do have to have your-
ED LARSON
If you're gonna sit in the cockpit.
MARCUS PARKS
If you're gonna sit in the cockpit, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe, which is again, I'm seeing a pilot just fucking stress pace around the body of an airplane, I'm pulling the fucking emergency handle. Get me off this fucking plane.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I need my pilot to literally be unflappable.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I understand that 'tie me down' thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure.
ED LARSON
Yeah because if you're flipping out and you know you're flipping out, I remember, not to go back into the whole getting arrested thing, I remember when I was getting arrested by an undercover cop. He like had a gun in my face-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go limp!
ED LARSON
And he got me on the ground and I went on the ground, he's got a gun pressed against the back of my head. And then I see them storm my friend's apartment and I hear a gunshot. They shot a dog. I'm like are you a cop? And he's like yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes, actually yeah.
ED LARSON
He's like yeah. I'm like then cuff me because I'm flipping out. Because I'm gonna do something stupid if you don't fucking cuff me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what he did.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well this guy said he had that sort of thing that you have. I had thought a lot of traumatic things in that time where I was like am I dead? Is this hell? And guess what, guys? You're never dead.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
It's never hell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Because you won't be thinking those thoughts.
MARCUS PARKS
It's your buddy's room.
ED LARSON
You don't have thoughts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You'll be dead. Wherever you are, you ain't thinking like Joe anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in the timeline, what happened next, it's alleged that the pilots grabbed hold of his wrists after he pulled the emergency stop and shunted them back into place before the engines cut off in a terrifying near miss. So I guess he did pull it but they were able to put it back in place. Emerson then left the cockpit quickly and walked down the plane where he still thought he was dreaming, as nobody on board seemed to be aware of or have any reaction to his attempt to bring the plane down. On the ground, police rushed the Portland runway after a pilot warned we've got the guy that tried to shut the engines down out of cockpit. He was cuffed and restrained to the jet but had enough space to move around that he chugged straight from a pot of coffee as he continued to act erratically.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
That's exactly what he needed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a perfect time to announce Spring-Heel'd Jack's new coffee line Reptilian In The Morning. And just in case you too are looking for the strength to defy an entire flight attendant team, have Reptilian In The Morning and you'll be ready to go.
MARCUS PARKS
And apparently that did wake him up because he said he he was able to reach his phone and send a text to his friend from the getaway where he told them 'I'm having a mental breakdown and tried to turn off both engines on my flight home'. In a separate text to his wife, he simply said 'I've made a big mistake.'
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See? That shows clarity began to set in. But he did remove his clothes and he had covered himself in his own piss, right?
MARCUS PARKS
He tried to jump out of a window, he urinated on himself, and attempted to masturbate in crazed efforts to wake himself up.
ED LARSON
How do you jump out of a window on an airplane?
MARCUS PARKS
He was on the ground.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
By then they got him, yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Once he was on the ground, he stripped naked, he tried to jump out of a window.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
They had him in a holding room and he tried to jump out of a window. Then he urinated on himself and he tried to like jerk himself awake, which is a weird way.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But he's on shrooms so his pathways are running differently.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been days! He's no longer on shrooms.
MARCUS PARKS
But seriously, some people, psychedelics, they're not for everybody.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no.
ED LARSON
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They're not.
ED LARSON
Especially a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And that's the thing. Do they say in the New York Times article how much he took? Did they just say it was-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Too much!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A buddies amount. Yeah, obviously too much.
MARCUS PARKS
Obviously way too much.
ED LARSON
He saw the fear, man. He got the fear.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He got the fear and it did not leave him. Again, one cap.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then build.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Build it!
MARCUS PARKS
You start with a bit. This is the most interesting part. His wife, Sarah Stretch, added that when he called her from custody, he was so out of his mind he began singing Boyz II Men's hit song It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean that is one of those. That's a scary song in that context. You know what I mean? Like that's a good...
MARCUS PARKS
How does that song go again?
ED LARSON
(singing) It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're not gonna be able to-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wait, are they here?
MARCUS PARKS
We can't hit Boyz II Men harmonies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are they here?
ED LARSON
I love sending that video to people on their birthday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love that.
ED LARSON
That's my go-to move.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually can't believe that's one of the only Boyz II Men songs that I'm not that familiar with.
ED LARSON
Oh really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It was like the most popular one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe if it just hear it again.
ED LARSON
It's all about dead people.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's a funeral song, right?
ED LARSON
It's a funeral song.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I know the, what's it-
ED LARSON
Graduations?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(singing) Do we come to the end of the road!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They sang a lot of songs about dead friends. Down On Bended Knee is about dead friends.
MARCUS PARKS
Is it?
ED LARSON
Motownphilly. Everyone dies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Everyone dies.
ED LARSON
I think that we need, not air marshals, but every flight should have a bouncer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Psychiatrist.
MARCUS PARKS
I think the bouncer is a really good idea.
ED LARSON
Like an MMA bouncer, the pilot has a direct line to the bouncer, we need this guy restrained.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That guy's gonna get laid.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Him up there, tatted out, just being like yeah, my job is to make sure you're safe. He's got the kind of Vin Diesel tattoos.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You make sure he's the only guy on the plane who never sits down.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He always stands at the front with the bouncer look where he's crossing his arms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's see your ID.
ED LARSON
Yeah, exactly. You strap his legs in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
IDs on the other side, IDs on the other side, you wanna cross to the other side.
ED LARSON
Just your loading the plane, he's like ID?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are you gonna do tonight? How are you feeling tonight? You good? You got too much? You got too much? Looking back and forth. That'd be incredible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, cutting people off when they drank too much.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
We need bouncers on flights.
MARCUS PARKS
He's just another flight attendant.
ED LARSON
Yeah but his job is to just make sure no one gets outta hand.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's huge.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And I could actually see a very large woman as well.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh absolutely.
ED LARSON
Man, nothing's scarier than the small bouncer though.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh you never know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well small bouncers have got training.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They can put you in like a scissor hold or whatever that's called.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Arm bars and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you just put it like in the fine print every time you buy an airline ticket that you maybe restrained on this flight if you fuck up.
ED LARSON
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're like yes, please.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You see those guys, being like I'm being bad. I'm a bad little guy on a flight. I'm gonna need to be restrained.
ED LARSON
I had a lady next to me have to get restrained once. She came on hamemred on pills. I started drinking at the bar and I was like oh this woman is hammered. And then I started walking on my plane, I was like fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
She sat across the aisle from me and then at some point in the flight from LA to New York, she decides to fucking just start screaming and like scratching the girl in the middle seat, like scratching her face, like she's like bleeding out of her face and shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Jeez.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When was this?
ED LARSON
This was like a year and a half ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
ED LARSON
And then literally some poor flight attendant had to go over there and literally hold her down for three hours so we didn't have to land early.
MARCUS PARKS
Jesus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a good flight attendant.
MARCUS PARKS
That's a very good-
ED LARSON
That's a great flight attendant!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And I told them, I'm like I saw her drinking at the bar and she got hammered, it's her friends in the back. Because I saw she was getting hammered with a friend and I ratted her out and they gave me 50 bucks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Hell yeah! You got a stool pigeon coupon.
MARCUS PARKS
That's amazing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's hilarious.
MARCUS PARKS
I saw the strangest video the other day of like this dude that was nodding off on an airplane and was barely conscious and he just pulled out a pack of smokes and just lit up a fucking cigarette right on the airplane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man!
MARCUS PARKS
And he's sitting there and he's like smoking. And someone comes up, like the flight attendant comes and like taps him on the shoulder and just sort of points and he goes... Like he just got really scared.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He forgot where the hell he was. He literally just forgot where he was.
MARCUS PARKS
No idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was just in a chair someplace else.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he was in a chair someplace else. He's like fuck, fuck, fuck, starts putting it out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
ED LARSON
That's like $1000 mistake, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's suck a huge mistake. Aw man, it's such a massive fucking mistake. This guy says I don't know if I'll ever fly an airplane again. I really don't.
ED LARSON
I'm pretty sure you're done! You are done!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that if he doesn't get booked for 83 counts of attempted manslaughter, he probably should at least not fly again.
ED LARSON
Not in America.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Send him to Malaysia.
MARCUS PARKS
Well at this point he says he's trying to be as transparent as possible as to what happened.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
He's trying to tell everybody, hey, this is what happened.
ED LARSON
I put the transparent in transportation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you know what Ms. Stretch definitely said? It wasn't the Joe I knew.
MARCUS PARKS
Nope.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think that's always good because can you imagine if it was like yeah, that's Joe. What did he do? Let me guess, let me guess. Was it Joe? Yeah, I figured it was Joe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He's always trying to crash the car.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's him, that's his thing.
MARCUS PARKS
And he kept asking is this situation real? Is this real? He'd ask the flight attendants, he was just asking everyone like is this real? And then when he was told what he had done, he responded if this is real and all of that was real, then I have done something that is unfathomable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, very much so. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because it really did scramble his brains.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh it did. It was bad for him.
MARCUS PARKS
It scrambled everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And again, you can't, you gotta know your limitations.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah also I'd put this on his friends too.
MARCUS PARKS
I put this 100% on his friends.
ED LARSON
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You never know.
ED LARSON
Every time I give a new person drugs, I sit there, I talk to them about it before they do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You know, this is what happens if it goes wrong, like I'm here for you. Like no. And you give him a little bit and you ease them in. His friends fucked him up. They probably thought it was funny.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're all adults. Who fucking knows? I think that if you're in there and you decide to take mushrooms, you just have to understand. If you're a pilot-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, we're comedians. Technically is I go insane for a while-
ED LARSON
Nothing really happens.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one will know. You won't even know.
ED LARSON
Henry was on fire last week.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, exactly. When I have dementia, no one's gonna know. Everyone's gonna think it's a funny bit that I'm doing, I show up when they wheel me out to a retrospective in memory of podcasts 2006-2035. It's gonna cut to me and I'm gonna go hail Satan! And that's all I'm gonna be able to say.
ED LARSON
I made my pants my shirt. Look, that's his old bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, that's his bit! You don't know it's a cry for help. I need to be at home, they need to take my driver's license away from me.
MARCUS PARKS
He stretched all of his fingers out in a dementia-ridden rage and now he's Big Hands.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is Big Hands.
MARCUS PARKS
Look at his massive hands!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a pilot needs to really keep your head on tight.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, especially if you gotta fly. Like if you are on a three week vacation and you're on day one, then yeah, mushrooms are good. But if you gotta fly in two days?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, man.
ED LARSON
Nah, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no, that's not good at all.
ED LARSON
That's a little close.
MARCUS PARKS
That's really close.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's close.
ED LARSON
Even for drinking, that's close.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah. 8 hours is the cut off for pilots.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I mean it should be 12.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But that's the thing, I wouldn't even take like a big dose of mushrooms if we had a big show in two days because I'd know it could possibly-
ED LARSON
It throws your brain off.
MARCUS PARKS
Your perspective could shift for a little while.
ED LARSON
It's a vacation drug.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah and you also do it, I believe that we should be taking it more seriously and more pointedly.
ED LARSON
With the mushrooms?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Doing psychedelic trips with intentions in mind. Taking boomers for parties are fun but I think it's important to think about your spiritual health.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I agree with that.
ED LARSON
I did it for three days straight last week, it was great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he was loving it.
ED LARSON
I went to a jazz festival. I was fucking having a great time.
MARCUS PARKS
That's incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's a jazz festival. That's what you're supposed to do.
MARCUS PARKS
But you're also an extremely experienced psychedelic user.
ED LARSON
I'm very good at it, yeah. Yeah, I know. I love my mushrooms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I started at 16, I'm fine.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have a layer of mushrooms around your belly like you're a giant beef wellington.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you have a very strong mind. You have a very strong will.
ED LARSON
Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
Which is what makes you very good at doing magic mushrooms. But if you're like grieving for your best friend-
ED LARSON
I would never.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Not
ED LARSON
the time. I remember one time I did mescaline after one of my good friend's mom died. It was awful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's really rough.
ED LARSON
It was awful. I was like never again. But that was like a learning experience that you do in your 20s.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
Not 44 when you're a fucking airline pilot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very hard.
MARCUS PARKS
But on the other hand he wasn't flying, he was only supposed to ride.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I know.
MARCUS PARKS
But even then I'd feel weird about doing a bunch of mushrooms and then going on a plane for a while.
ED LARSON
I could see how we chanced it though.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean I did have a good friend, my friend Tom in college, we came up to New York for CMJ, the big College Music Journal, there was a big festival they used to do. And right before, like we got on the plane in Dallas and right before, he looked over at me, his pupils were like the size of fucking saucers and he's like I just took a lot of acid. But the thing is that Tom was an extremely experienced psychedelic user.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He was an older student.
ED LARSON
Yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
He was older than us, he was great at what he did. But he just sat there and just looked out the window for four hours and then like at the end of the flight, he looked over at me and he was like that was incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jesus Christ. That's only a quarter of the time left you have on acid.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No but that's the thing, as we landed, it was the first time any of us had been to New York City, we landed, we took the fucking shuttle from Queens into Manhattan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And the vibes were so good, all of us were like so excited and so cool. And he just like, the van stops and he just gets out and just goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
Like he just fucking goes. And he like comes back with weed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You can work magic when you're on acid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. You just ask questions.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're just curious.
MARCUS PARKS
And I saw him like, because he brought a fair amount with him, and I saw him like two more times the five days that we were there. And then like we got back, we met, he showed up on time, we met. I was like man, how was New York? He's like so fucking good, man! So fucking good!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a rare story.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a rare story, the fact that he showed up back on time. A lot of those stories end with being restrained in a currently downed airplane while two people-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're covered in your own piss and you're trying to ejaculate to get yourself out of a dream.
MARCUS PARKS
Tom was a rare bird though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He was the first one who gave me mushrooms. And he guided me on my first psychedelic trip.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got to.
ED LARSON
That's what you do, it's your responsibility.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what I did with Wendy. When I took her through her first trip. I'm a great dog shaman.
MARCUS PARKS
Are you guys ready for a Polish story?
ED LARSON
Oh yum yum, gimme some!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, this is fucking... Yum yum.
ED LARSON
Daj mi buzi. Daj mi buzi. That means give me a kiss.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. This is a really funny, stupid story.
MARCUS PARKS
A Polish man has been arrested after he pretended to be a mannequin in front of a store window before stealing from the shopping center after it closed. This was in Warsaw.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at this, look at this pose. I love this man.
MARCUS PARKS
He's a regular man, he's holding a shopping bag out with his arms stretched.
ED LARSON
He had to give himself such a hard... Just put your arms to the side, you Polack.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so funny. But it's also such a dumb Polish idea too. The idea of like-
ED LARSON
I'mma stand still.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one will notice. But no one did notice!
MARCUS PARKS
Well no one noticed until the fucking... There were CCTVs everywhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the thing is that you could stand there still all you want, right, and people walk past you and be like why's that guy acting like a mannequin? But no one's gonna bother you. Meanwhile he thinks, he's sitting there like (Polish accent) these fuckers all think I'm a fucking mannequin. And being like I am crushing this.
ED LARSON
Like you are breathing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You're smoking.
ED LARSON
You smell like sausage, sir. And the sweat, you have your arm out for that long? The sweat that has been pouring off of you.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just drinking a Żywiec, what is the name of that Polish beer in New York?
ED LARSON
Oh. Żywiec. Yeah, Żywiec.
MARCUS PARKS
Żywiec, yeah. Well police said the man went on to rob a jewelry stand once the shopping center had closed. On another occasion, he went into a restaurant to eat before slipping under the roller shutters at the entrance to a store to swap his clothes for new ones. After he returned to have some more food. And he was eventually spotted by security personnel who called the police because there's just a guy wandering around the fucking mall stealing shit and like breaking into the food court.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) How is no one surprised and scared of new living mannequin? How can no one see? Have you not seen Mannequin 3? This is me.
ED LARSON
(Polish accent) I am the first mannequin with driver's license.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) First one to go to the grocery store to push a bucket. First mannequin to spend this time stealing jewelry from outside store in which he is in his home.
MARCUS PARKS
Police also allege the man stole from another shopping center where they say he took money from cash registers and tried to steal other items after it closed. So he tried it once and it worked.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) I am just an innocent of mannequin. I do not understand your rules and your laws. How can I be held subject to this when I have recently been plastic and now I am flesh?
ED LARSON
(Polish accent) I was princess in ancient times!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The two Polish robbery investigators are like (Polish accent) you know this is new realm of rules. We have never dealt with magical creature who has done petty thefts. How do we reason with him?
MARCUS PARKS
(Polish accent) Do we have any scientists in Poland left?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) Can you please show me how you go back to mannequin? Oh my god. Wake up! Wake up!
MARCUS PARKS
(Polish accent) Well he's not waking up so I guess maybe we can just go home now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) No, no. We should really prove if he is mannequin or not. Play with his balls. Let us have sex with this mannequin.
ED LARSON
(Polish accent) Oh my god, he is hard!
MARCUS PARKS
That's it. That's the whole story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Dude's facing 10 years in prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, 10 years.
ED LARSON
That's a lot for pretending to be a mannequin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the stealing.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's all the theft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Still, that's a lot for theft.
MARCUS PARKS
Grand larceny. Because he stole a lot of jewelry.
ED LARSON
Oh come on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what it was too? I think it was the many stores.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I feel like in Poland too, it's way more being like (Polish accent) we need to discourage this type of fake mannequin activity. Because once they see this happening in this one way, in successful way, because technically he had incredible night. And they will all do it.
ED LARSON
10 years is way too much. Couple months.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also feel like Polish prison is not where you wanna be.
ED LARSON
No. No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh man. You never know with those Eastern European countries. Sometimes they do it right, sometimes... Is Polish prison bad?
ED LARSON
The Polish prison is probably just a mansion. They don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Polish accent) Oh my god, look at this.
MARCUS PARKS
Inmates at a prison in Poland have faced physical and mental torture including beating, suffocation, and waterboarding.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But we do that here too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not in comparison.
ED LARSON
My Polish uncle was a jail guard in New Jersey and I imagined that was probably brutal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I guess non-violent... They said if you're violent it's more incense obviously. The fact that less cells causes attention, the better guards just need to do a count...
MARCUS PARKS
Prisons in Poland are generally overcrowded and underfunded, the conditions in many facilities are poor with inadequate sanitation and medical care. Again, not different from American prisons.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's not that different. But still, I wouldn't wanna do it.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I absolutely would not. The overall situation in Polish prisons is a cause of concern for human rights organizations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh sure, sure.
ED LARSON
Where do you think prisons are worse? In Georgia the country or the state?
MARCUS PARKS
I'll say the country.
ED LARSON
I don't know, the state's pretty bad. That guy just got eaten to death by bedbugs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's right. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that is bad. That is a bad one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a long process.
MARCUS PARKS
So how much do we not know about what happens in Georgia?
ED LARSON
Oh nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't know anything about a Georgian prison. And I don't think that they're doing like Shakespeare plays. I don't think they're teaching them how to cut hair.
MARCUS PARKS
No, John Waters isn't coming in to teach them how to write screenplays.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I don't think so. At least we have that in some states.
ED LARSON
Yeah. John Waters.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. Georgia prison crisis worsens amid federal investigation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yes, very much so.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not good. None of it's good.
ED LARSON
Which one? State or country?
MARCUS PARKS
State.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they won't tell me about the country at all. Because there's quite a bit of news about Georgia the state.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's pushing all the country down.
ED LARSON
Oh man, they were still using floppy disks for all their medical records. My buddy was like fucking fighting them.
MARCUS PARKS
Jeez.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unbelievable.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It's all backlogged and they refuse to fix it.
MARCUS PARKS
My god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta do it. And we're gonna fix it.
ED LARSON
I would love to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Last Podcast on the Left is going to do it with our Last Podcast army. We're going down there, we're gonna open up these floppy disks, and we're gonna do it ourselves.
ED LARSON
You get down there, Stacey Abrams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, Stacey Abrams. Cause she listens. I get a message all the time. She actually had a lot to say about how you can buy sex worker shit and mail it.
MARCUS PARKS
She did?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, Stacey Abrams.
MARCUS PARKS
And did she tell her personal opinion or what the statute is in Georgia?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She says what she's always dealt with, she said it barely makes the envelope because she's too busy just eating like loaves of bread. I love her, I'm so glad to have her as a listener. What an inspiring woman. She is. she is. You remember when we did the show before her?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She was in the same venue as us the next night.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
MARCUS PARKS
We were doing a show in South Carolina, or no, was it Virginia?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That might have been Des Moines.
MARCUS PARKS
No, maybe, no. It was east coast. Anyway, long story short-
ED LARSON
Georgia maybe?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
But it was around Georgia. Long story short, we did a show, like it was our name on the marquee and it was like tomorrow Stacey Abrams.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But those Abrams heads were still like lining up, they had the foam fingers. Great night of entertainment. Her new fucking, have you seen her new special? Canceled. It's crazy. Just caution tape over her mouth. It's amazing. Now here's another guy who wasn't built for prison. I love this story.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like talking about prison and when it's bad to be in prison, sometimes though if you're in Italian prison, it doesn't sound that bad. Remember bunga bunga rooms?
ED LARSON
Oh yeah. Well he's dead now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Berlusconi died a while back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The sexiest president.
MARCUS PARKS
A judge recently released a 35 year old man from prison over health concerns with one concern being that the 430 lbs murderer would not be able to obtain a low calorie diet while incarcerated in an Italian prison. He ate his way out of prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the hero!
ED LARSON
Wow, that's a goal, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the fucking hero, man.
ED LARSON
Holy shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Talk about how fat you gotta be in Italy.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well Italy is surprisingly thin people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they look good.
MARCUS PARKS
He was in jail for stabbing his girlfriend 57 times because she reprimanded him for leaving too many crumbs on a hotel bed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then he ate himself up and out of prison.
ED LARSON
Goddamn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's all coming up, Dimitri Fricano.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Dimitri Fricano.
ED LARSON
So Dimitri, he couldn't get in and out of his cell anymore?
MARCUS PARKS
Well they just weren't able to take care of him. They weren't equipped to deal, because he had to use a wheelchair. He went from a little over 250 to 430. He had to use a wheelchair and crutches to move and the prison's layout is not well equipped for those tools. So they figure instead of retrofitting the entire prison-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For him.
MARCUS PARKS
For him. Just fucking put an ankle bracelet on him, send him home.
ED LARSON
Ankle belt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so fucked because so the family of the murdered woman, they're devastated, they can't do it. But don't worry, the Italian, I love this, the Italian prison system has promised the victim's family the day his weight drops enough that we can fit him back into prison, he's going right back in. And they were all like (Italian accent) he gonna stay a-fat now. You know he's gonna stay fat now.
ED LARSON
Should have said nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You should have said nothing because you can just see him all day (gnawing sounds). (Italian accent) It's so difficult to stay so fat when you cannot do... It's all the walking.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, do you think Italian prisons serve Italian food?
ED LARSON
Yeah!
MARCUS PARKS
It is just like fucking pasta and spaghetti?
ED LARSON
When I was in Italy for 10 days, I was like can I not eat spaghetti?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You moron!
MARCUS PARKS
It's a Three Amigos joke. Do you have anything besides Mexican food?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well no, it's just food there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We call it Italian food. Those guys, they're just like that's food.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The bugatelli.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man. Can you imagine how fun that is? You saw Goodfellas. He sliced the garlic paper thin so that it melts into the sauce.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, with the razor blade.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Little razor blade. These guys are fucking... Honestly I bet you the food in prison there is not bad.
ED LARSON
Oh I imagine it's great. What else they got to do?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got fresh bread, best ingredients on the fucking face of the planet are in Italy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Woo!
MARCUS PARKS
According to the outlet-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yum, yum, yum.
ED LARSON
We should go to prison in Italy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, let's go. Italian tax evasion. Which means paying taxes.
MARCUS PARKS
The court ruled that Fricano is incompatible with the prison regime and that his incarceration makes it impossible for him to follow a weight loss diet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Italian accent) There's no way, there's simply no way for me to get thin in here, what am I supposed to do? Just covered in croissant dust.
ED LARSON
Just don't feed him.
MARCUS PARKS
Well they actually treat their prisoners like human beings. The judges added that his chain smoking along with his quote unquote "massive" size put him at an inevitable risk of death.
ED LARSON
He's a murderer!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean you treat one. They really do go for like you gotta treat one this way, you gotta treat everyone this way.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It is very much equal. As far as I know. I might be totally talking out of my ass there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who knows?
ED LARSON
Oh my god, everyone's gonna start getting so fat in Italy now. Everyone's just gonna be so excited for this, all the prisoners.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In the end I think that they're so concerned with not being slovenly.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not throwing judgment on fat people. But in Italy I do think that the concept is like they are not.
ED LARSON
They are beautiful people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're very thin. And I don't know what it is, I don't know how.
ED LARSON
It's because they don't eat processed food.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know but it's more than that. There's something else.
ED LARSON
They're walking everywhere.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know.
ED LARSON
There's no air conditioning.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I watched that stupid fucking Blue Zone show Natalie made me watch.
ED LARSON
I don't know anything about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's this show that's all about areas where the most people that live to be 100 like live. And each one, they're like we don't know how they have such longevity. Oh it's in Southern Italy where they don't have to have a job.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where everybody takes care of themselves and it's all walking and eating fresh, fucking the most delicious food directly from the ground. And you're like yeah!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're fucking fine!
ED LARSON
You either fish, sell fish, or eat fish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it!
ED LARSON
Those are the three jobs in Sicily.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you wonder why we're all stressed and working ourselves to death?
MARCUS PARKS
And in Italy, even their prisons are fucking beautiful tourist attractions. Some prisons in Italy are located in historical buildings such as old fortresses or monasteries. Regina Coeli, the best known prison in Rome, was previously a Catholic convent built in 1654.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Holy shit.
ED LARSON
That doesn't sound nice.
MARCUS PARKS
But still.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you're visiting it's nice.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean when we were in Paris, I did go visit Marie Antoinette's cell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
And it was awesome but it also was not super comfy.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it was weird. Especially when they told the story about the head and all that. We'll get into it with our French Revolution series.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't wanna fucking ruin that cause it's like one of the best stories in the entire French Revolution.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is a good story.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But yeah, prisons in Italy, they have kind of a bill of rights, they have to have healthy food.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's amazing.
MARCUS PARKS
They spend at least two hours outdoors every day.
ED LARSON
Aren't these guys supposed to be fascists?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well-
MARCUS PARKS
That was a long time ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They are now, they're far right. Well they're not technically fascists, they're just far right that are leaning towards fascist.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because when we were in Italy a couple of years ago, they did have fascists in charge.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then nobody seemed to care. Everyone was just like... I remember that one guy who was like (Italian accent) we have been run by the fascists, we have been run by the communists, it does not affect the people of Italy. And you're like where are you from? You're touching my wife's leg.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Italy's current government is considered the most right wing since Mussolini.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. It's as close as it gets.
ED LARSON
Yeah. That was like the first time I ever saw like lots of antifa graffiti was when I was in Italy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a very interesting country because it seems to be disorganized because the people don't really reflect what's going on with the government.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
ED LARSON
I still can't wait to go back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I can't wait to go back.
MARCUS PARKS
I've never been. I wanna go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got to go!
MARCUS PARKS
I gotta go. I'm gonna go to Roma.
ED LARSON
Oh Rome's the best.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you're gonna love that fresh piss smell.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean I lived in New York for 16 years, I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the same exact smell, it's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
I know fresh piss. I know it from old.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I lick it everyday.
ED LARSON
You gotta go to the Capuchin, what is it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Capuchin.
MARCUS PARKS
The monastery?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The monastery.
ED LARSON
They got all the bones in the basement.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was awesome. I wasn't allowed to take pictures but I took one on the sly. But then I didn't wanna show anyone.
ED LARSON
I was there and there was a lady there, like a French lady, and I saw she was trying to sneakily take a picture. I was like I'll block, I'll block. And I went and stood like this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's like I must take a picture before this bear of a man, he steals me.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I got a very interesting grave robbing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay! Back into it.
ED LARSON
On point.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I got very much back into it. Not a necrophilia story but this is a very interesting grave robbing story for one reason that sort of goes under the headlines, it goes under the radar as to why this story is so interesting.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
St. Louis county prosecutors say two men are facing charges after they tried to dig up one of their grandmother's remains from an area cemetery.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, so far I understand.
MARCUS PARKS
These guys, their names are Jimmie Allen and Zebulun Nash.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
But what's interesting about them is that they're digging up their grandmother but they're both 73 years old.
ED LARSON
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They just wanna ask how heaven is. Where should they park?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean their grandmother had to have died 20-30 years before, maybe more. So why are they digging up the body? Was it that she was buried with some jewels?
ED LARSON
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well according to this, maybe Nash apparently he told the police that he was trying to recover his grandmother's remains to relocate her and my boy was just helping me.
MARCUS PARKS
But they were both the same age.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They're brothers.
MARCUS PARKS
I guess he calls his brother his boy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, he didn't say that.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I'm just saying he was a boy, he came out, he was helping me. But the thing is, yeah, you were saying to relocate the ashes. I feel like this is a long story that we are just now like at the end of, like if we met Zebulun Nash, this is gonna be a long night.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where he's gonna explain why.
ED LARSON
At that point, why not just get her exhumed?
MARCUS PARKS
I think it costs money. Why pay for it when you can do it yourself?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Does it cost money to get someone to...
ED LARSON
It has to.
MARCUS PARKS
It has to.
ED LARSON
Someone's gotta dig her up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah because if you did it for free, people would be doing it all the time.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Seriously, like I'm moving from St. Louis to Minnesota.
ED LARSON
I wanna bring mom.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I wanna bring mom. I don't wanna have to come all the way back here. So yeah, I imagine it takes a lot of cash.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why you're gonna need to save on each paycheck. So if you look at this, these costs tend to range between $5000-$15,000.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So yeah, that's how much it costs to exhume a body. It says right here, the exhume a body process, you can buy the form to do it I guess from attorneydocs.com for only $25.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can fill out that form, get your momma exhumed, let's see them dead ass titties.
MARCUS PARKS
They're gonna be gone. Long, long gone by then.
ED LARSON
Unless they're fake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's how long it's been.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, unless they're fake. Then they're just gonna be sitting comfortably on the fucking skeleton.
ED LARSON
See that's valuable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You could reuse those, those last for a long time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well a lot of the silicone ones are being thrown out because of the leaking. The old ones are stopping, now they're doing saline. And the truly uncommon one is the borscht ones.
ED LARSON
Borscht?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, borscht.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cold beet soup.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's in Ukraine. Yeah, Ukraine and Poland.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You'd be surprised how lifelike it is. You guys were in sketch comedy for a long time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And you found those weird things-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That are analogous that work.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that work. It's like oh yeah, blood, corn syrup and food coloring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You wouldn't think that would work, you wouldn't think that looks real.
ED LARSON
But it does.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you imagined a woman's breasts as two bags of a more thicker consistency borscht, I think honestly number one it'll help some people that are afraid of commitment get past that fear. And I think the other side is just understanding no matter what happens with you and your wife, if you got to, you just cut off one of the nipples and you got sweet delicious borscht if you're starving.
ED LARSON
I can't tell if you're lying to me or not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am lying. Do you really think, honestly Eddie, that they fill-
ED LARSON
I don't know. If it works!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Breast implants with borscht.
ED LARSON
Borscht.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It can't be.
ED LARSON
See I've only had borscht once or twice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't like it.
ED LARSON
I loved it.
MARCUS PARKS
I love borscht.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But that does raise an interesting question. You ever seen that Herschell Gordon Lewis movie Gore Gore Girls?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
It's an exploitation classic. But there is one scene in which the killer comes in and he cuts off a woman's nipples, or not he, I mean I don't wanna spoil it but it's like they cut off the woman's nipples. And out of one shoots a bunch of milk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And the other one chocolate milk.
ED LARSON
Oh interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
I think I sent a text to you once of the scene.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Only in my dreams. Only in my dreams, man. Nah, it don't work like that.
MARCUS PARKS
And then the killer like boiled the victim's head and the victim was like boiling a bunch of French fries on the stove. And so she got her face shoved into the French fries. Yeah, Herschell Gordon Lewis, he's a sleeper. You should check him out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's great.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Except for The Gruesome Twosome, that one's just okay. That's one about like a guy and his crazy mother and they run a wig shop together. And so they lure college girls into their wig shop so they can kill them and shave their hair and sell their hair as wigs.
ED LARSON
You're the busiest person I know. How do you find the time to watch-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
These are over all the years.
MARCUS PARKS
I spend a lot of time alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Honestly I watch a lot of movies.
MARCUS PARKS
Or me and Carolina, this is what we do together.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
We fill our time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was the guy who did Blood Feats which I believe was the first movie that had like visible blood effects.
MARCUS PARKS
Like a lot of gore, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, a lot of gore.
MARCUS PARKS
Blood Feast is an absolute classic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's funny because now you watch it, it's kinda boring.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's fun.
MARCUS PARKS
But Gore Gore Girls, because Gore Gore Girls also has a cameo by Henny Youngman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
ED LARSON
Oh now I have to see it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta see it.
MARCUS PARKS
You have to see it, yeah.
ED LARSON
I love Henny Youngman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Take my wife's nipples, please.
ED LARSON
There's an old fun story from Jeff when he was going to the Friars Club all the time and he was behind Henny Youngman one day and Henny had no idea he was there. And a pigeon just flew in front of him, he was like ah, hold my messages. He's literally just doing bits on the street, it's an ode to birds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I understand. I understand. I live with this disease. That's so funny.
MARCUS PARKS
But yeah, The Gore Gore Girls, there's some problematic parts but for the most part it's pretty fun. If you're into exploitation horror and you know what exploitation horror is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Means, what it actually means.
MARCUS PARKS
What that means and what it is. Then yeah, it's a great one. It's a classic.
ED LARSON
Man, I used to watch, we rented Bloodsucking Freaks so many times when I was a kid and I don't think I remember a minute of it. But I remember we rented it constantly.
MARCUS PARKS
I've never seen Bloodsucking Freaks. 1976.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very old.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Interesting.
ED LARSON
We should do a watch!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly that could be cool.
ED LARSON
I'd love to relive that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Put it up.
ED LARSON
And Microwave Massacre too, I need to rewatch that one. We had this place called 16,000 Movies. And like 8000 of them are horror movies.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
So we used to go there all the fucking time.
MARCUS PARKS
Great, yeah. We need to watch Red Meat again too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah!
ED LARSON
Oh that was a good one!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was a good one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
It's a slow burn but it ends great.
MARCUS PARKS
It really does. It's Donald Pleasance, it's got everything that you want.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's do it again.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's do it together. It's nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Cause that's my thing is 70s horror movies. I love, love, lov 70s horror movies.
ED LARSON
I need to get back into that more. The new shit's fun but the 70s are the best time for movies.
MARCUS PARKS
And why would that not follow for horror?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The 80s though... Horror in my estimation has only gotten better in terms of it's the last bastion of independent films.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there's really fun ideas coming out in horror. But what I love is the legacy of all of these, like the entire genre is so huge.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's so much stuff and there's stuff for anybody.
MARCUS PARKS
Just with modern horror, I just cannot watch one more fucking movie where grief is the main-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the idea-
ED LARSON
I love Babadook!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hereditary started that and then kept it going.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It could come back.
MARCUS PARKS
I think Babadook started it. Because Babadook-
ED LARSON
Babadook was before Hereditary.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then Hereditary like shot that up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Hereditary is unbelievable.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's an unbelievable movie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Talk To Me is great.
MARCUS PARKS
Talk To Me is great. I did love Talk To Me.
ED LARSON
I'm scared of that one, I haven't seen it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's great.
MARCUS PARKS
You would love it, it's so good, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's one of the first zoomer horror movies that I've come to enjoy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very, very good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Have you ever seen Don't Look Around or Don't Look Back or Don't Look Around?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Don't Look There? Donald Sutherland, it's great.
ED LARSON
Oh really?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Don't Look Back.
MARCUS PARKS
No, the title actually-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't Look-
MARCUS PARKS
Away!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
At me!
MARCUS PARKS
Don't look Away! Nope, that's not it.
ED LARSON
You've met Donald Sutherland, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh man, I was on a flight-
MARCUS PARKS
Don't Look Now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't Look Now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, and you know where it's set? Italy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's set in Venice. It's another very, very slow burn but I think it's right up your alley.
ED LARSON
Those 70s ones all are.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a grief movie, I'll admit that, that's why I thought of it. But yeah, it is a grief movie but I think you'd like it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was on a plane, it was first class, I was coming back from work, doing Pretty Face. And next to me was Donald Sutherland and he had a big air tank, right, so he had a big tank one, he was struggling. He came in and he sat there and again, I wasn't gonna say anything. No one's saying anything to Donald Sutherland.
ED LARSON
But he's so cool.
MARCUS PARKS
He's a legend.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's fine. He leans over and he's like these bastards expect me to work until I'm in the grave. It was like the first thing he said. So I was just like what? And he's just like they think I'm a young man, doing these Hunger Games. Out here tied to a pole, all sorts of weather, cold, heat. I'm an old man. I shouldn't be doing this anymore. I'm just sitting there like... He's like my son brings home these women, I'm sick of these women. And I was just like Kiefer Sutherland? Your very famous son?
ED LARSON
He's like oh you know him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kiefer, always disappointing. I'll be dead and they'll all be laughing.
ED LARSON
I named him after the yogurt I have to eat now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Kiefer! Get the acidophilus.
MARCUS PARKS
My god, if I was sitting next to Donald Sutherland and he like approached me, I would open up his IMDB and just start going through and being like what about this one? What about this one? What about this one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The problem was he monologued at me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For like an hour. But I didn't want to say anything because he was just talking, he was literally just being like got this tank now because I can't breathe. How am I supposed to do the hours they expect me to do?
MARCUS PARKS
Like when you were on The Simpsons, like how cool was that? Because I love that. It's one of my favorite. Lisa the Iconoclast is one of my favorite Simpsons episodes. Did you have fun?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm an old man. Why are you playing games if you're hungry?
MARCUS PARKS
You were brilliant MASH. You were so good in MASH, I just love you so much in MASH, you were just so good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There used to be shorter time before there were meal breaks. Now it's 6.5 hours, these unions. Jesus, Donald. I don't know, he didn't say that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. And in Don't Look Now, I mean it's like full nudity.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Donald Sutherland.
ED LARSON
Donald Sutherland?
MARCUS PARKS
Donald Sutherland, yeah. And Julie Christie.
ED LARSON
Julie Christie's beautiful.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, full nudity. And the story behind that is that they had to do the sex scene the first day of shooting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There he is.
MARCUS PARKS
They hadn't met each other at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See, that's his butt.
ED LARSON
Well he shows his butt in Animal House.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh god. Wow, I typed in Donald Sutherland nude and it went straight to... Oh man, even when he was an old guy. And wow.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I bet he's got a long one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My son didn't get my genes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Not thick but long.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well this has been an exciting episode.
MARCUS PARKS
Has it? Are we to the end?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess no, we do have one more story we can cover. We have this other one.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean we have one. Do you want to do desecration or sex doll?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sex doll!
MARCUS PARKS
Sex doll!
ED LARSON
Sex doll.
MARCUS PARKS
Because this does somewhat work into our necrophilia episodes tangentially.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
A funeral home worker responsible for transporting dead bodies in Nebraska County is suspected of having an intimate encounter with a life size sex doll he found in the apartment of a deceased person. This was one of those like $10,000, extremely real, talk to me, like putting the limbs in different silicone.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You really know how to turn me on. Thank you, Marcus, for all of the pleasure you're giving me.
MARCUS PARKS
Marcus, you have such a big one.
ED LARSON
So who complained?
MARCUS PARKS
Well investigators say Ryan Smith, 41, and a colleague were dispatched last week to a home at the Rock Creek apartments in Omaha to collect the body of an individual who died there. An investigator reported near the body on the bed was a very real life-size sex doll. Police allege that Smith subsequently called the property manager and claimed that the local sheriff had asked him to remove the sex doll to collect swabs for biopsy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know how normally they ask a funeral home assistant to come in and clear evidence out of a room? The police directly. Yeah, I gotta get in there because you know how it is. They don't want to deal with all this nastiness.
ED LARSON
How did the person die?
MARCUS PARKS
It doesn't say. But Smith's strange request was denied by the manager who later returned to the apartment to discover that Smith was still inside the unit which had been locked with a dead bolt and chain. After Smith exited the home with his shirt untucked and his pants in disarray, the property manager called the cops who later busted Smith on a felony burglary charge. A post arrest examination revealed the sex doll to be quote unquote "sticky" and it appeared that quote "something had rubbed her inner thighs".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And a deputy collected the sex doll, he said so that I could have her processed for DNA. He did more work on the sexually assaulted doll than he might do for a human being.
MARCUS PARKS
They're doing far more to see if this man fucked the doll than they did... I think what they're looking for is like cause.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like they have to prove that we can fire this guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well think about this, right. You're a funeral home worker. You got all these sexy ass corpses just laying around, right? All day long teasing you tempting you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right. And they're just laying there, right, sexy. And then all of a sudden you go into some other place where some guy died. Boring, right? And you're like I already seen his fucking dick, right, he's dead. Then you see just laying right there in the same exact position, you're like oh mama, I can't get in trouble for fucking that one. Right? I get to go fuck that doll.
MARCUS PARKS
Well to his credit, he did try to remove it, he did try to lie his way into getting it into his own apartment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To his credit?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That he tried and he lied.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean it's gonna go in the fucking trash.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It's not like his nephew wants this thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's not gonna be passed down from family member to family member as a treasured heirloom. It's gonna go in the fucking dumpster.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why not though?
ED LARSON
That's your grandmother!
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean what he should have done is he should have staked out the dumpster behind the apartment complex because that's where all that shit's gonna go.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's just gonna go right into the dumpster, stake it out. I used to know a guy who used to stake out the dumpsters at the mall back in Lubbock so he could steal all the Victoria's Secret cutouts when those went and he would take them to his home and put them on the wall.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is just the saddest.
MARCUS PARKS
You meet some interesting people when you work at a comic bookstore.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh, god. But this is the thing is that the guy, this sex doll, they're not gonna throw it out. The hotel staff is gonna take it as a funny joke.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not a hotel, it's this guy's apartment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But someone's gonna take it as a funny joke.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
It's filled with someone else's cum!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not if you get the hose! And you shoot it out. You take the pussy, you spread it out, you shoot the fucking cum out the pussy.
ED LARSON
It's so hard to dry out the insides of this thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're already doing it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you already were like-
ED LARSON
I guess there has to be a cleaning process.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Marcus?
MARCUS PARKS
as far as fleshlights and all these sorts of things-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of them have removable vaginas.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. My fleshlight, you could pull it out and you could really... I mean you could wash the fuck out of that thing. You need to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna go look it up. Real doll cleaning-
ED LARSON
Process.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Process. Cause I think-
ED LARSON
I think it has those butt flaps that just pulls down-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, sex doll maintenance and how often do I need to clean my doll...
ED LARSON
Every time!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I would go in there, yeah. How do I clean my doll's body?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you take it and you rinse it.
ED LARSON
Also do your best to pull out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It says clean every 14 days.
MARCUS PARKS
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! What am I doing here?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm fucking this thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm coming inside of it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you pull it out-
ED LARSON
The cleaning process isn't worth it.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not that hard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay, here we go. Okay. How do I clean my doll's holes? Cleaning her vagina, anus, and mouth is a delicate process with several techniques to expose these areas for cleaning.
MARCUS PARKS
No bleach!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
Of course not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Coat a small swab sponge with warm water and antibacterial soap. You're gonna use this sponge to clean the orifices, insert the sponge using medical pincers into the orifice until it is clean. You can now...
ED LARSON
So you started reading this-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, because if you don't clean it, it gets pretty bad.
ED LARSON
Real fast!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can dispose of the sponge and now repeat steps one and two above again. After two swabs, the orifices should be clean, allowing you to insert a second dry sponge to remove any excess soap or moisture. Once you have successfully dried the doll, you can apply talcum powder to the exterior of the orifice. All done. Your doll should not be clean and free from any bacteria or dirt.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You can move its head and wig, you work on it's head.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You have to shake the cum out of its neck.
MARCUS PARKS
But the problem with it though is that I would imagine if you have a real-life sex doll, you're not gonna have a roommate. But with a fleshlight, the problem is that to clean it, you gotta take it to the bathroom.
ED LARSON
Or the kitchen sink's probably better.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you don't want to do the kitchen sink because that's a shared... You want to use the bathtub.
ED LARSON
Oh yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Because in the bathtub, everything goes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just want to go away. You just want to go far away. You want to go to a motel and do it there.
MARCUS PARKS
Well you just can't carry it past your roommate. That's the problem.
ED LARSON
One of those laundry sinks would be perfect.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. A laundry sink. Oh yeah, I got one of those in my garage.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big plastic tub with the fucking long nozzle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That would be perfect.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Jam it right up in there. Let it run right through.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh god.
MARCUS PARKS
In New York we didn't have that though.
ED LARSON
No, no, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This whole thing... After enjoying your happy time with the love doll, be sure to take a bath with her. Please rinse with water and cold water. I guess that's what you do, you just bring it in there and you just wash it with yourself. God, it's so lonely.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna get sweaty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This part of Quora is bad. This part of Quora is not good.
MARCUS PARKS
No part of Quora is good. Thanks for listening, everyone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god. I don't mind it if you want to have sex... Honestly it would be kind of cool to do, it might be fun, Last Podcast on the Left real dolls.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Either cryptid pussies, cryptid buttholes. My friend Doug Sakmann was working on monster dicks for a long time.
ED LARSON
I think it should be you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh god, can you imagine?
ED LARSON
Send those out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My horrendous butthole. God, call ti ah yes-
ED LARSON
You ever wanted to take Henry from behind?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you ever tried the Polish challenge? Ah yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But your butt's so flat though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's why it makes it unique.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you get right to the hole.
MARCUS PARKS
That's true. No, if anyone's getting a butt made it's me.
ED LARSON
Oh that's a good idea.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I say we give them what they deserve, not what they want.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. I agree. I agree. But I'm just talking about QC, quality control.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you're gonna have sex with me, you have to find the scenes from Deliverance like sexy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? Cause I got a Ned Beatty back half.
MARCUS PARKS
You do.
ED LARSON
You do have a Ned Beatty body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. And so if you wanna go to town on Ned Beatty and make him squeal and scream, I guess Last Podcast on the Left real butt is for you. So go down to lastpodcastmerch.com and try it out for Christmas or Thanksgiving. Get that rushed to your house right now, try the Polish challenge.
ED LARSON
Strap that Henry ass to your chair and you can go ass to ass with Henry Zebrowski whenever you're doing your work.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, listen, just to keep you stress free in the holiday season, you go ass to ass with Henry Zebrowski.
MARCUS PARKS
No, I think it's so flat what it'd be really good at is like the little gel thing on a mousepad, where you rest your wrist.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You use that.
ED LARSON
Just glue some hair to that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Try Henry Zebrowski carpal tunnel butt. Nothing will make your word day more at ease than the soft, slow, low slope of Henry Zebrowski's Polish butt. You're gonna love it. Well this has been a great episode.
MARCUS PARKS
It has been.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Happy fucking Thanksgiving.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Happy Thanksgiving.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's coming next. Oh god. All right, go to Operation Sunshine-
ED LARSON
If you want to baste Henry-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If you want to baste him, go to lastpodcastmerch.com. We're gonna have a sale.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then you go to your local comic book store and ask for Operation Sunshine #2 by name. They are there they are ready to go.
MARCUS PARKS
It's out right now, I saw a copy of it-
ED LARSON
The new ones?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I saw a copy at Earth-2 yesterday, it was so cool to see.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd also like to make an announcement because I can now. I was in a movie.
ED LARSON
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I want you to go and see it. It is a Christmas movie. Obviously people are already giving me shit about the fact that it's a Christmas movie even though I dislike Christmas. But the best part, I play somebody who hates Christmas in a Christmas movie.
ED LARSON
Good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is really fun. It's called How To Ruin The Holidays. And right now it is out-
ED LARSON
It's at the Laemmle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's at the Laemmle NoHo. So if you're in town, if you're in Los Angeles, go check it out. This is another guilt side of this, uf you don't even care about the movie, go support the Laemmle because they're fucking destroying all of them.
ED LARSON
They're closing soon, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's horrible. So maybe give them a reason to maybe stay open, which would be nice. Love the Laemmle.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love all those theaters. But it's also at the Plaza in Atlanta. And it is going to be, it's not a national run but a pretty big run and then in December we're going to go VOD. So I'm gonna put it out there. It's called How To Ruin The Holidays. I think it's really funny. It's an R rated comedy.
ED LARSON
It looks fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That is directed by Arlen Konopaki and written by my good friend Kevin Gillese who was one of the artistic directors of Dad's Garage.
ED LARSON
How is Colin Mochrie?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The best.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's great. Very funny.
MARCUS PARKS
Can't believe you've kept this under your hat this whole time that you did a movie with Colin Mochrie. You never told us.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was very nice.
ED LARSON
I love Colin Mochrie!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the best.
MARCUS PARKS
He's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's as funny as you think he is.
MARCUS PARKS
Whose line was it anyway?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
His.
MARCUS PARKS
Cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's the lead. But he did a great job and I want you guys to go check that shit out.
ED LARSON
Let's go watch it together.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we can.
ED LARSON
I would love that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're little actors!
ED LARSON
Look at you.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm an actor. I got a letter from SAG-AFTRA begging me to give them money and I said no.
ED LARSON
Oh wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You might have to.
ED LARSON
I just sent them money finally.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got to. You got to because it's a union town, bubby.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I know but I'm not an actor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you do act everyday, don't you? In a way.
MARCUS PARKS
Not in movies or TV.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The whole world's a stage.
MARCUS PARKS
Not in movies or TV. No, this is a studio that we pay for.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
I got no money from studios to build this. I never got any investment from a studio.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we're looking for it. So Paramount, we're ready for you.
MARCUS PARKS
The moment that I have to, I will.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm not a scab.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're looking for it!
MARCUS PARKS
The moment I have to, I will. But until that day comes, I'm keeping this as a nice little souvenir.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think you're right.
ED LARSON
I just got good with SAG. I'm excited to get my DVDs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I want my DVDs back.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh, the DVDs that are already streaming?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my god it's so annoying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So annoying.
ED LARSON
They send all these elaborate Netflix movies on DVD.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like why are you doing this? All right, hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail ham.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Goodbye. See you soon. Oh yeah, when we come back we're gonna have a fucking big old series, we're doing a big dark history series and we got a bunch of weirdness coming up in January. I'm very excited.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be cool.
ED LARSON
Rock and roll, baby.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bye!
MARCUS PARKS
Bye.