Relaxed Fit - My Other Car is a Sex Doll

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I've got a death wish. It's me, Charles Bronson. You've never heard my Charles Bronson?

MARCUS PARKS

I've never heard your Charles Bronson.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's me, it's Charles Bronson.

MARCUS PARKS

It sounds like Bob Dylan.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, hey.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm Charles Bronson.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's you being Bob Dylan.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm from Hibbing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, now you're making me Bob Dylan. I'm Charles Bronson.

ED LARSON

What did you do to my wife?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

What did you do, Jeff Goldblum? What did you do to my wife? That's my resolution.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm from Hibbing, Minnesota.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm from Hibbing, Minnesota. That's Bob Dylan!

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Again, it's different. You're doing sing-songy.

ED LARSON

I thought he was from Duluth.

MARCUS PARKS

Hibbing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Hibbing, yeah. But more it's now like this, now Bob Dylan talks like this more often.

MARCUS PARKS

We can do this all day. Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes. I'm gonna do my New Year's resolution is to perfect my Charles Bronson and to separate it from my Bob Dylan.

ED LARSON

Wow. I think that's great. I would love to do a Death Wish watch party.

MARCUS PARKS

That'd be nice.

ED LARSON

Just go through all six of them.

MARCUS PARKS

Well before we get to that, that's Ed Larson. That's the man who wants to watch all the Death Wishes.

ED LARSON

Yes, I have a death wish for Death Wish.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He does.

MARCUS PARKS

And we've got Henry Zebrowski who's working on his-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Charles Bronson. I'm Charles Bronson. I'm trying to get into, that's how you lock it in.

MARCUS PARKS

And my name is Marcus Parks and my New Year's resolution is to get more in tune with the earth.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa.

ED LARSON

Whoa.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You mean like bury yourself alive?

ED LARSON

You already dig daily.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah. How much more? Are you gonna be rolling around in soil?

MARCUS PARKS

No, that's the problem though is that my house only has so much dirt.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

And you can only dig so much. Because that's the thing, I planted a lot of stuff and it's all like doing really well.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Like my flowers are blooming, they're beautiful. Everything's going great. But now I can't dig no more.

ED LARSON

Marcus Parks' community garden.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You are slowly but surely-

MARCUS PARKS

Ooh.

ED LARSON

Think about it, think about it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Honestly the more connected you are to flowers, you're becoming Kate Bush. This is becoming real.

ED LARSON

More of bush than Kate Bush.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. Oh you don't think she's got... Oh.

ED LARSON

Well I'm talking about an actual one that you plant in the ground. Not the one she sits on every day.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm talking about pubes. I'm talking about big, crazy pubes, brothers. Come on, man! Come on, Jack! I'm talking about pubes, dog.

MARCUS PARKS

Well today we got a true crime round up.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yay!

MARCUS PARKS

But it's also a Relaxed Fit. We're gonna be talking about various sundry, strange things.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sure.

MARCUS PARKS

We're gonna be talking about some stats that have come in that I think say a lot about this country and a lot about the States.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I do. Honestly and you don't know what is revealed by the tippity taps on your computer. And I have Eddie's little computer today because I forgot it.

ED LARSON

Yeah, it's very decorated. Henry isn't this friendly.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No.

MARCUS PARKS

No, no, no.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No. Because then we were actually talking about this before the show, you could have just kept the computer and I could have not had the computer but it feels weird cause I'm the other guy with the computer.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah but I also planned nothing so you should have the computer.

MARCUS PARKS

He also planned nothing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I planned nothing.

ED LARSON

Ah, take the computer. Get it away from me.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, it's nice because-

ED LARSON

Answer some emails while you're in there actually.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I will just say I'm afraid. I don't like being inside someone else's computer because I don't wanna know what goes on inside of the back of your fucking lizard brain.

ED LARSON

It's surprisingly boring.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I know, it's just mostly like... WHat's your main porn search?

ED LARSON

My main porn search? Tits?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. Like he's a man who just arrived in a time machine.

MARCUS PARKS

I don't even need to search, it's just whatever's in front of me.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

I ain't all that particular.

ED LARSON

I like what's popular.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. Wow, you do Top 40?

ED LARSON

Yeah, I do Top 40 porn.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow.

ED LARSON

I did the Taylor Swift of porn.

MARCUS PARKS

Well it's on our minds. Before we get into some crime, let's get into some stats.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

Pornhub, okay yes, they are, there's quite a bit of crime going on on Pornhub.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's a lot of crime on Pornhub, there's a lot of crime just in general. But I feel like this tells you a lot about members of our constituency.

MARCUS PARKS

Of course. So you know they released all the stats for the year, what the top searches are. I mean it's not anything that surprising. MILF, hentai.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sure.

MARCUS PARKS

So on and so forth. Android made a 1000% gain on search.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Now did you go, I mean it, did you go on Pornhub and look up android and see what that even means? Cause I don't know if it's just like... Because part of me wonders about android- friendly VR porn.

MARCUS PARKS

Well it is just the search term android. So what comes up is something different.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Do you care if I do this on here?

ED LARSON

There's the private search there.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ED LARSON

If you wanna throw that on that.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I just wanna see because I've never heard of that category before and I just wanna see what happens.

ED LARSON

I've never heard of it either. Yeah, is it people fucking robots? Or is it like people filming from their phone?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Again, this is for work. All right? And I want Rob, I want everybody who's an employee to mark this as for work, it shows up on the thing, this is research for the goddamn show.

ED LARSON

Yeah. This isn't anything we talked about in the office not into a microphone.

MARCUS PARKS

Well android is often combined with video game searches.

ED LARSON

Oh interesting.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. So they want like-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Lesbian sexy robot, Android 18.

MARCUS PARKS

Android cosplay, android roleplay.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. All right, that's enough.

MARCUS PARKS

So they want somebody dressed up as a beep-boop robot.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Interesting.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But no tin foil.

ED LARSON

I mean we're past tin foil, bro.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

What do you mean?

ED LARSON

They look like people now.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, they don't yet.

ED LARSON

Well I mean when you put the fake skin on them they look like people.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well we have like Real Dolls but they're not doing anything, it's not like they can go out and get a job or whatever, they can't protect the house. They just lay there, get fucked, and then have to be washed out.

ED LARSON

Arguably a job.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I guess.

ED LARSON

Arguably a full on job.

MARCUS PARKS

Pay for room and board. Paid in room and board.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's mostly a service.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Well the most interesting part of these stats is the United States' top relative searches. And these are terms searched more often in each state when compared to all the others.

ED LARSON

Okay. It's not like which relative they wanna fuck.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No. But there is that, there is quite a bit of that as well.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

You know what's funny is that there's not a lot of states that have that relative fucking, like the whole-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Stepbrothers.

MARCUS PARKS

Stepsister, incest, all that.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You never hear stepfather. Why is that?

MARCUS PARKS

You hear it in gay porn.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

It shows up in gay... They also have the gay searches, it shows up in gay porn.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Daddy' is also very large, very tall on the list. I was about to say very long on the list.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There was a fucking video that I was searching for for the stream that I found and someone deleted, I was looking for it for a long time. I didn't think about the connotation. And so the video, again, if you know what this video is, please send it to sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.

ED LARSON

Your computer is gonna explode.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But the video was of a man, and this is real, he was caught masturbatng in public and there's a video of him masturbating but like real lazily, just masturbating in public. Then you see him being arrested and he's continuing to masturbate and then he gets into the cop car and someone's filming him trying to suck his own dick inside of the cop car, right, fully erect.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He must have been-

ED LARSON

You're already in there.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He must have had a Red Bull. But then I looked all that up, I looked up 'man masturbating caught by police'.

MARCUS PARKS

That's gonna be a lot of different-

ED LARSON

That's a lot of people, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, it's really like very graphic and a lot of it is not that video.

MARCUS PARKS

Because one of the top searches is also both in gay and straight is uniform. Cops, firefighters.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sure. Sure, that makes sense.

ED LARSON

Yeah, that's popular for all time. Dudes show up dressed like a cop, they take their clothes off.

MARCUS PARKS

Everyone loves it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

And then everyone parties and fucking practices blowing them.

MARCUS PARKS

But there's no state that has any of those top searches-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

What you considered.

MARCUS PARKS

One of those top searches, one of those things that you would consider like all right.

ED LARSON

No blue lives matter?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh my god. Blue balls matter.

MARCUS PARKS

No, it's stuff like for example, okay some of them do make sense. Utah, Mormon.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sure.

ED LARSON

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

Utah searches Mormon more than anyone else. New Mexico, Native American.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

More than anybody else. Wyoming, goth.

ED LARSON

Really?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I could see-

ED LARSON

They like the outsiders. They like a little something special.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I could definitely see some ranch goth.

MARCUS PARKS

Here's also another interesting one, in Nevada the top search term is Vegas.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You're already there.

ED LARSON

Well that's where all the debauchery is.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

So if you're in Henderson, you're not gonna search Henderson.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's right, you gotta get away from it.

MARCUS PARKS

If you're in Hibbing, Minnesota, you're not gonna be searching Hibbing. But you know if you search Vegas, you kind of get a little charge.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I search Las Vegas when I go to Pornhub, I'm Charles Bronson.

ED LARSON

I remember some of the weird porn I used to get. I used to go to Vegas and they would just straight, back in the day in the 90s, they would just hand you porn in the street.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, I remember that, they stopped doing that.

ED LARSON

There would be like little stars on the nipples and stuff.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

I remember being 12 and being like what?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I guess I can look it up again on his computer.

MARCUS PARKS

West Virginia, they'd be into that. Nip slip. That's their biggest one.

ED LARSON

Really?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow, that's interesting.

MARCUS PARKS

There's some very, very specific ones. Like for example Texas, creamy.

ED LARSON

Really?

MARCUS PARKS

Just simply 'creamy'.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I mean they like ranch. That is where ranch is mostly a condiment is in Texas, right?

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Or Wisconsin.

MARCUS PARKS

Ranch is also a very heavy condiment in Texas. We also love Miracle Whip.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

ED LARSON

And a lifestyle.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, it very much is, yeah. Often put the two together. North and South Dakota are strange because they have different search terms but they're similar. South Dakota, their top is sour sex... Shower sex.

ED LARSON

Okay.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah because sour sex is bad too.

ED LARSON

That's Pet Sematary sex.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes dead is better.

ED LARSON

She done turned sour.

MARCUS PARKS

But North Dakota, loud wet sex.

ED LARSON

Interesting.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Okay.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

So it's similar.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But is that like, I don't know.

ED LARSON

I would have never guessed them to be so clean.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But wet sex is kinda, like yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Loud wet sex.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's just more like are they-

ED LARSON

That's so specific.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, are they in a swamp?

MARCUS PARKS

Some of them are very specific.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Is it like that, like muck?

MARCUS PARKS

I don't know what loud wet sex is.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I've never typed that in.

MARCUS PARKS

I have never typed that in either.

ED LARSON

All the space in South Dakota, I bet they all got real nice showers.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah, good water pressure.

ED LARSON

Yeah, good water pressure.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They've got stuff that we're not allowed to have here anymore legally.

ED LARSON

Yeah, those special shower heads and stuff.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, blows your fucking asshole open.

MARCUS PARKS

Here's a very interesting one. Ohio, some of the other ones have big dick. Big dick was a big search term this year.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Good. Sure.

MARCUS PARKS

Huge search term.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sure, sure, sure.

ED LARSON

big dick energy probably.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Ohio, small dick.

ED LARSON

Interesting.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow.

MARCUS PARKS

Ohio, very interested in seeing men with small dicks.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Explains a lot.

ED LARSON

Yeah. That's where all of my new family is from, so.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. It really does explain a lot.

MARCUS PARKS

There you go.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Ask your father-in-law.

ED LARSON

Yeah, that's right. We're planning a call, a Facetime on Christmas.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I feel like this is a good time. Being like hey, Papou. Do you call him a special name?

ED LARSON

No, Bob.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah, I didn't know. Cause that's one of those weird things about calling your wife's father a thing.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Cause it's like we don't do Dad, right. Dad is weird.

MARCUS PARKS

No.

ED LARSON

I barely called my dad Dad.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like what do you call Carolina's father?

MARCUS PARKS

Roberto.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You call him Roberto?

MARCUS PARKS

It's his name.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You don't call him like Señor Hidalgo?

MARCUS PARKS

No, no. I just call him Roberto. We're n a first name basis, we're friends.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

We should make a new name for that guy. Like you call him like you do with your grandpa, you call grandpa like-

ED LARSON

Pop is cool.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Pops. Hey Pops.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like Wifemaker.

MARCUS PARKS

That's terrible.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You're a wifemaker.

MARCUS PARKS

Hi, Wifemaker. No, that's what you say the first time you meet him.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I changed my dad's name from Dad to Pop when I got a little older.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, sure.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Pop is good.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. I do take my earlier statement about no cops being on the most searched, relative searched list. The District of Columbia, big ass cop.

ED LARSON

Big ass cop?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

A cop with a big ass.

MARCUS PARKS

I think it's a cop with a big ass. I think there's a cop in-

ED LARSON

There's gotta be a guy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's gotta be one guy.

MARCUS PARKS

I think there's a woman. I think there is a woman in the District of Columbia, there is a police officer-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Do I have to look this up?

ED LARSON

Chocolate city, baby.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, that's right.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm not doing this again, I'm not looking it up again.

ED LARSON

Go ahead, keep the safe search on.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I know. We're at work.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

I mean it's fine. If it breaks, you buy me a new computer.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No.

MARCUS PARKS

New York has a weird one. Body swap.

ED LARSON

Body swap.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I feel like that is like a convention. Cause there's certain-

ED LARSON

Like Freaky Friday?

MARCUS PARKS

I think so.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's foreign conventions that we're outside of, right, that we're not as interested in. Like the idea of the term free use.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's a common term I guess that is on the thing, that is on the pornography systems.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I feel like stuff like that feels like one of those, that's like a category that we don't understand as a category.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. The one, and I love our people in Oklahoma, you know I love you so much.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

We do.

MARCUS PARKS

My family's from Oklahoma.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

I got friends in Oklahoma, you guys are great. But the term, what they googled in relative to everybody else was 'sex dick'.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow.

ED LARSON

Sex dick?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's it?

ED LARSON

That seems uneducated.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. Sex with dick. Cause I know how I google search is always that. It was like that's how I did that one video, it was like 'man masturbating is caught by police, continues to masturbate while caught by police'.

ED LARSON

Too many details.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's a lot of details but it's that thing of just typing, you just need that dick, you're looking to see dick having sex. And so you just go like I need sex dick.

MARCUS PARKS

Sex dick. Mississippi is the biggest furry state.

ED LARSON

Oh really? I would have guessed it was peepee. For P-P-I.

MARCUS PARKS

I liked it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But do you think it's got anything to do with the river? That old man river.

ED LARSON

I would never guess Mississippi to be furries though. I would never expect them to go out and buy costumes in Mississippi. I imagine Halloween is boring in Mississippi. But now not anymore.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You'd be surprised. I do find that a lot of our listeners that have talked about being in those types of lifestyles, they do kind of actually come from a place where there's less stuff to do. Because it's a beautiful hobby if you're into it, right. You get to make all the costumes, you get to figure out... Because again, we've been chastised many times before, it's not just sex.

MARCUS PARKS

Yes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

A lot of furries-

ED LARSON

It's like rubbing and just hanging out too.

MARCUS PARKS

It's a lot of just hanging out.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's just not being a person.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's being a sexy fox.

ED LARSON

I had a very interesting trip once in Boston, we were doing the cop roast. And we were staying at the Hilton. And during while I was at the Hilton, there was like a video game convention there and a furry convention and WWE was in town so the bar was nuts.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah, buddy.

ED LARSON

It was like a bunch of cops, wrestlers, furries, and nerds.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

In one bar. Seriously.

ED LARSON

And everyone was just getting hammered.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Just one bar of deodorant for the entire thing.

ED LARSON

Ric Flair was a mess, I don't give a shit. He was a disaster. Everyone was staying away from him, he was being real scary.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He is scary.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He also continues to be a very large man.

ED LARSON

Yeah. But the furries were all over the place and I gotta say they were all sweet.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh of course.

ED LARSON

They were all so kind.

MARCUS PARKS

Of course they're kind, of course they're sweet. I would imagine there's a bit of a Venn diagram between the furries and the video gamers.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah. And the video gamers were doing like a Magic card game. I don't think it was magic though.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

And they were like, I'd never seen it. There was like 100 people surrounding them in the lobby and these two dudes were battling and people were just fucking screaming and shit.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah.

ED LARSON

I can only imagine there's like thousands of dollars in Magic cards getting put back and forth.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah, dude.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You're gonna end up, understand-

MARCUS PARKS

Tens of thousands.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You're gonna experience a lot more cons in the next couple of years and you begin to see all the flavors.

ED LARSON

It's fun.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's many, many flavors. Because I find that the anime cons are interesting. They're more genuine fans but they are a little bit more reserved.

MARCUS PARKS

And it also depends on which kind you go to. Some cons are more fun than others. WonderCon is more fun than San Diego Comic-Con because WonderCon is more focused on like nerdom and like getting together and talking about-

ED LARSON

Where's that?

MARCUS PARKS

That's in Anaheim.

ED LARSON

Oh cool.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's great.

MARCUS PARKS

That's where I found like the Star Trek Society and like sat and talked with them about Deep Space Nine for like 30 minutes. It was fantastic.

ED LARSON

Oh that's so nice.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, that's what a comic book convention is supposed to be.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm about to do Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell panel in Raleigh at the, I think it's called, it's like the Animate Con or something like that, January 5th-7th I'm gonna be there.

MARCUS PARKS

Hell yeah.

ED LARSON

Cool.

MARCUS PARKS

And while you're there, make sure to search bubblebutt, that's the number one for North Carolina.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

See that makes a lot of sense.

ED LARSON

Now is that like shitting from too much barbecue?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, bubblebutt. You don't know what a bubblebutt is?

ED LARSON

I know what a bubblebutt is but I also know what bubble guts are.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

And so I feel like they could be both.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, a bubblebutt...

ED LARSON

I know what it is. Something you could slap going straight down.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes. But I'll say this to our listeners, a lot of times it's fake.

MARCUS PARKS

Sometimes it is.

ED LARSON

So what?

MARCUS PARKS

Hey, mine ain't.

ED LARSON

That's goddamn right.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

BBLs.

MARCUS PARKS

I got a big old bubblebutt.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But the difference is unfortunately you don't have a bubblebutt. You don't. Because you just got the bottom.

MARCUS PARKS

Many comments I've have throughout the years disagree.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Desperate, desperate men. You actually have a good lower half of butt. A bubblebutt, sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.

ED LARSON

You think it's up top.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It also connotates the round at the beginning.

MARCUS PARKS

That is true, I have more of a rump than a bubblebutt. I have an ample rump.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You've got an ass.

ED LARSON

You've got a butt, like to me a bubblebutt, like yes, I agree with what you're saying but you do have... The greatest test is if you slap straight down from the back, you'll hit it.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And that's a lesson straight from Tallahassee, Florida.

ED LARSON

Yeah. And Henry's, you just miss, you fall over.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah. You'll hit mine.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's my ultimate trick. All right, well I'm glad that we did-

ED LARSON

Florida. What's Florida? Come on.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Florida is very broad. Fantasy.

ED LARSON

Fantasy, really? Because they seem so uncreative.

MARCUS PARKS

Fantasy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's so weird.

ED LARSON

Oh maybe it's Disney World.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa.

ED LARSON

That's fucking crazy.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

That's what it is.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's a lot of Disney-based porn.

ED LARSON

Of course!

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah.

ED LARSON

You kidding me?

MARCUS PARKS

And I also take it back, there is one stepmom, however it's s specific stepmom, it's California, it's here. Asian stepmom.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yep.

ED LARSON

Yeah well we're on the Pacific coast.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah man. They see it a lot.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Makes sense. And Idaho is dildo ride, Oregon is nudist, and Washington is sensual sex. So that takes care of the entire west coast.

ED LARSON

Thank you.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Just typing in sensual sex.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

What are you, Luther Vandross?

ED LARSON

Well they're so emotional, the suicide rate is so high, it's raining all the time. They just want to love.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

(humming Careless Whisper) And he puts the saxophone down.

ED LARSON

Yeah. They like looking in the eyes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And then he's like sensual sex, I want a soft curtain.

MARCUS PARKS

Well it's mostly just that the backgrounds are nicer, there's not as much pounding. There's not enough like (moaning) fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

ED LARSON

Yeah, they produced the sounds, they got a sound guy.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, softer lighting.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Isn't the whole thing like porn for ladies? It's like the whole thing.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Sensual sex.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, where it's not just, yeah, ripping and gaping.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Some of it's petting and kissing.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. And you know who loves ripping and gaping? That's Connecticut. Double vaginal was their-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Ugh!

ED LARSON

Double vaginal. There we go.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Ugh!

ED LARSON

Good for them.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Commuter state.

MARCUS PARKS

A lot of time in the car for you to let your mind wander.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

WHat's Alabama?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I've bet two could get in there.

MARCUS PARKS

Alabama, fingering myself.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yep.

ED LARSON

Fingering, just do it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's a long-

ED LARSON

What is wrong with you guys? How lazy are you?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's also a very, very long search term.

MARCUS PARKS

Kentucky's is really fun. Bouncing boobs.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh wow.

ED LARSON

As long as it's not horses anymore.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah. Udders.

ED LARSON

I'm sorry, I just have to know.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah?

ED LARSON

Hawaii?

MARCUS PARKS

Hawaiian.

ED LARSON

Good for them.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Very proud. I love that shit.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I feel like that's kind of selfish.

MARCUS PARKS

Selfish?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Why?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Surrounded by it.

ED LARSON

Love yourself!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's an island country, think about outside the box, man.

MARCUS PARKS

No man, love yourself. Love your people. Be your people.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I know, I'm just saying they keep it local there a lot in Hawaii.

MARCUS PARKS

Alaska, loneliness, sex doll number one.

ED LARSON

Wow.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Man, you would go online to watch somebody else fuck a sex doll?

ED LARSON

Well you can't afford it.

MARCUS PARKS

That's true.

ED LARSON

They're expensive. A good one is very expensive.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Not a cheap one. If you're just typing in sex doll-

ED LARSON

You can get a car for a sex doll price.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. You really can.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I guess.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah. Because the highest end is like $14,000.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That sounds like you need one.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. I do also love Nebraska. Nebraska's is very simple, it's very innocent.

ED LARSON

Cornhole.

MARCUS PARKS

Rub.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Rub!

ED LARSON

Rub.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Honestly it sounds like it's more about barbecue. Also now I wanna get a fucking bumper sticker which we should sell as merch, My Other Car is a Sex Doll. That is a great bumper sticker.

ED LARSON

Trademark!

MARCUS PARKS

That's fantastic. Trademark. Mailing the episode to ourselves, we own it now, it's ours. Trademark, trademark, trademark. All rights reserved. Let's get to some true crime.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes please. Speaking of shooting in the butt, we gotta do it.

ED LARSON

Hell yeah, good joke.

MARCUS PARKS

A newly filed report by the Food and Drug Administration describes an incident in a Wisconsin hospital where a woman was shot in the buttocks after bringing a gun into a room with an MRI machine.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Have you ever had an MRI?

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah. But when I was 16, I did.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They're horrible.

MARCUS PARKS

I've had so many of them.

ED LARSON

Yeah. You know what? I thought I was gonna hate it more than I did.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah?

ED LARSON

Yeah, I really did. It's just like one of those things where it was like all right, I'm doing this.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They pump in the thing where they're like (singing Orinoco Flow by Enya). That's the type of music that drives me into a homicidal rage.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, like massage parlor music?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I hate it.

ED LARSON

Lofi beats?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I hate lofi beats. Or the worst is Delta, like when you're waiting on the plane, Delta. That waiting music where it's trying to like relax you where it's just so like (weak singing).

MARCUS PARKS

Drives me fucking crazy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm gonna fucking take off the fucking top of this plane!

ED LARSON

Virgin was always cool, they played like Michael Jackson and shit.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. But is that cool?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So he brought-

ED LARSON

If on Halloween. On Halloween it was.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So do you think she brought the gun in there just because she felt unsafe?

MARCUS PARKS

I think she forgot she had the gun on her.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

How can you-

ED LARSON

Lots of people just fucking carry guns everywhere they go, it's crazy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They don't frisk you at the hospital?

ED LARSON

Dude, there's these old Jewish guys I know in South Florida, they're always strapped.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

You would never think it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

My dad was, my dad was always strapped.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many people... It's become such a crazy thing in our society. So just assume everyone has a gun.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. The 57 year old woman brought the concealed handgun into the room, the gun was attracted to the magnet of the MRI and fired a single round which hit her in the right buttock. Small and superficial wound however and she was healing well shortly afterwards.

ED LARSON

Yeah but now she's gotta buy a new fucking MRI machine.

MARCUS PARKS

Well no, she just shot herself.

ED LARSON

Oh okay. Thank god.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

My question too is like well fuck that, honestly you're the moron, you deserve whatever bill you fucking get. But she's just extremely lucky it didn't hurt somebody else.

MARCUS PARKS

She really is. And she had been asked throughout the screening process

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You packing?

MARCUS PARKS

She's like do you have any objects containing iron? And the woman said no.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, I got mine from a 3D printer. I'm gonna fool everyone. Because I feel like that's a part of it, it's like you can't...

ED LARSON

But what does she think is gonna fucking happen? She's getting an MRI!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But don't you have a hospital gown on?

ED LARSON

You gonna cap the fucking nurse?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You have this big diaphanous flappy thing on your body. Your ass is hanging out. Where is the gun attached?

MARCUS PARKS

Last time I got an MRI I didn't have to put on the hospital gown.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You didn't have to get your underwear?

MARCUS PARKS

No, not the last time I had one.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Really?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You just go in clothes?

MARCUS PARKS

That's what they put me in there for, I was in that fucking thing because they were trying to figure out the long COVID and trying to figure out the headaches and trying to figure out if any of my fucking nerves weren't working.

ED LARSON

What about like your zipper? Was that a problem?

MARCUS PARKS

They said it wasn't a problem.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And then they go in there and they were like well your lungs don't work but you got a real long skinny dick. Thank you.

MARCUS PARKS

Thank you, thank you. It stays long but it gets thicker.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It does get thicker. But it's the idea of, oh god, you got this fucking... I guess you're just scared. You're paranoid, man.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah, man. The gun becomes a sort of safety blanket to you where you just have it on you at all times because you never know what might happen.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

And they just need to have it.

ED LARSON

She probably brushed her teeth with the fucking thing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is my brother, my babysitter. I love my gun.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Because that'd be cool, you just leave the gun home with the kids, right.

ED LARSON

Yeah. That could watch the kids.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So if they're ever in danger, they use the quote unquote "babysitter".

MARCUS PARKS

That's how most children get shot. Because they find the gun when the daddy's not home. Because I found my dad's gun when we were at home alone.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm not a father. Oh yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Real lucky I didn't kill anyone with that thing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Because it was a big gun.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You played with it a lot, right?

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah. I definitely played with the gun.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Of course, yeah. Because you know why I found it? Because they kept it right next to where they hid the Christmas presents.

ED LARSON

You can't hide the Christmas presents next to the gun!

MARCUS PARKS

I always knew where they hid the Christmas presents and so like I looked up there and then there was the gun and so I grabbed the gun and I played with the gun and the gun was definitely loaded. It was a big revolver.

ED LARSON

Oh my god.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is a good notice to all you parents. Guess what? In case you've forgotten being a child, they know where the presents are.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

They look for everything.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They know where they are, they've already found them. They found whatever garbage, whatever horrible pictures you and your wife took back when you were fun. They found them. They found the drugs, if you got drugs hiding somewhere, they found them. That's just how it is.

ED LARSON

You need a safe.

MARCUS PARKS

You gotta have a safe, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You have to have a safe.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. But then he wanted to have it fast.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well then he should be packing. If he's got that gun on him, it should be on his belt.

MARCUS PARKS

Yep.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yep.

MARCUS PARKS

It is.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

In his sock.

ED LARSON

You know what I always said for that? Because Julie and I were like legitimately talking about getting a gun and trying to figure out what it was. And I figured if we ever did get a gun, I would get a shotgun and sand pellets.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Like that way if I ever, god forbid I ever had to shoot somebody, they would live.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, the rock salt.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's why I'm getting one atomic bomb. So as long as I have one, if I just have one atomic bomb, I don't have to do anything ever again.

MARCUS PARKS

It would be nice.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You know? Non negotiable. Henry Nonnegotiable Zebrowski.

ED LARSON

You could sell it. You'd probably get some good money.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

The lord of brinkmanship. No, buddy. As soon as you don't have the atomic bomb, you lose all those wonderful atomic bomb fucking... What you get from it, dog.

MARCUS PARKS

Leverage.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Leverage.

ED LARSON

Leverage.

MARCUS PARKS

Well let's move on to the next story. This one is one of those accidental death stories. In a shocking incident, a 36 year old man died after he was punched in the nose by his wife after he refused to take her to Dubai for her birthday celebrations.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It tracks. If you feel like you need to promise-

ED LARSON

Was this here?

MARCUS PARKS

No, India.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is India. But the idea you have to promise your wife to go to Dubai, which is actually it doesn't sound like it's super great.

ED LARSON

No, I mean it's very expensive. Well the fish tank looks great.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's a city built on modern slave labor.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Which is kind of hard. And then they they pump a lot of stuff in there. And it's weird, you can't drink.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You can't really hang out unless you go into these like private clubs. But I do believe that means you were also subject to being arrested at any point.

MARCUS PARKS

Quite possibly.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I don't know, I don't really know how that work.

ED LARSON

It just seems like a headache to have a decent time.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well you have to know somebody, you have to be connected.

ED LARSON

Yeah. Long Beach is right around the corner, just fucking go there.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

But yeah, so what happened? Did the nose thing go into his brain? I thought that was a myth.

MARCUS PARKS

Well as for the primary investigation, it's been revealed that the couple had a fight because Nikhil, that's the husband's name, did not take Renuka to Dubai to celebrate her birthday and did not give her expensive gifts on her birthday and anniversary. Renuka was also upset that Nikhil was not giving a favorable response to her wish to go to Delhi to celebrate the birthdays of some relatives. The police further informed that during the fight, Renuka punched Nikhil in the face, the impact of the punch was so hard that Nikhil's nose and some teeth were broken.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Jeez.

MARCUS PARKS

With heavy bleeding. Nikil lost consciousness and died.

ED LARSON

How fucking strong is this woman?

MARCUS PARKS

Incredibly strong.

ED LARSON

That's insane.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's the positioning. It's good to remind our audience that you have to be really careful when you punch somebody in the face. Because I actually think it's not even as strong as you think, it's more about an angle.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Just like not hit the honey spot.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It hit the honey spot at the right angle with the right amount of force. And surprising somebody, like popping them in the face, you'd be surprised what can happen.

ED LARSON

Do you think she had brass knuckles?

MARCUS PARKS

No, it just said he was punched, I don't know if she had brass knuckles. They said just fucking straight full on fist.

ED LARSON

Man, she's gonna have a weird time in prison.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Everyone's gonna challenge her and try to get punched by her and shit.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, she kills another.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Like then she becomes One Punch Woman.

ED LARSON

Oh man, Stone Hands. Yeah or she becomes like the lady Roberto Duran.

MARCUS PARKS

Oh, Stone Hands Khanna, that would be her name. Yeah. Her name is Renuka Khanna, so like Stone Hands Khanna sounds fucking badass.

ED LARSON

It does, right?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They tried to say that you would have to... So apparently in Dubai, traveling Dubai as a woman... What? I'm now obsessed with this. I guess tourists can just wear regular clothes but for the most part if you're going to any form of mosque you have to dress traditionally.

MARCUS PARKS

Well yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Especially as a woman.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But it's just weird because it seems like it's a schizophrenic lifestyle.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, it is.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Where they profess to adhere to the rules.

ED LARSON

There's camels next to Lamborghinis. I don't even know how to deal with that.

MARCUS PARKS

Well it's schizophrenic in the fact that they want to bring in western tourists, they want to bring in the western element while also maintaining that they must live by Muslim values.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, they're in a theocracy.

MARCUS PARKS

It is a theocracy, yeah.

ED LARSON

Yes. Now where is Dubai? It's not it's own country.

MARCUS PARKS

It's in the United Arab Emirates I believe.

ED LARSON

Okay, okay, okay.

MARCUS PARKS

And it's a city in the UAE.

ED LARSON

Okay, okay. Yeah, I just don't... There's no reason. There's so many cooler places.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, than Dubai.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So tourists are allowed to go. So you can drink in Dubai but you have to go to a special place, like literally you have to go find a place.

ED LARSON

Yeah. It's like when I drank in Baghdad, it was on the base.

MARCUS PARKS

I always forget you went to Baghdad.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah, I brought you dirt.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, it was great. I got the dirt.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He went to Baghdad but Baghdad never left him. Look at him, scarred forever. The mortar shells.

ED LARSON

I made a mental choice to not make a joke there.

MARCUS PARKS

You look like a guy whose been to Baghdad.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. They're watching the video right now, you can see.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

ED LARSON

The name of the bar, you ready for this? Baghdaddies.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh that's cute.

MARCUS PARKS

I was gonna guess Baghdaddies!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's cute. Apparently they do brunch on Fridays in Dubai.

ED LARSON

Those fucking weirdos.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah. That's fucking weird, dude. That's not when it's supposed to be done.

ED LARSON

Do you think they have different weekends than us?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa! And they got Abu Dhabi! That's where Nermal went.

ED LARSON

Nermal went to Abu Dhabi?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, he mailed him to Abu Dhabi.

MARCUS PARKS

That's what Garfield was always trying to do is that he was always trying to send Nermal to Abu Dhabi.

ED LARSON

That's a great joke.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, great.

MARCUS PARKS

He put this cat, he put this living creature in a box with no holes and they always caught him right before the mailman picked it up.

ED LARSON

It still gets me.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Man, I don't wanna fucking go.

MARCUS PARKS

That crazy cat, Garfield.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He does whatever he wants, dog.

ED LARSON

Yeah, go to Monaco. You know where's a dangerous place I wanna go? Cairo.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I do wanna go to Cairo.

MARCUS PARKS

I wanna go to Cairo so fucking bad.

ED LARSON

I wanna go to Cairo and I wanna go to Morocco too.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, I'd love to go to Morocco.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

I hear both those places are fucking great.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I also definitely want to do the Passion of the Christ tour.

ED LARSON

Oh yeah?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's how I view it. Go down there, it's my view, I view it like it's a-

ED LARSON

It's hard. You gotta get the cross on you.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah. I'm just going ow, ow. Feel sorry for me.

ED LARSON

This hat sucks.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Do you know who my father is?

MARCUS PARKS

Wow. Yeah, the one punch kill, it doesn't happen often.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But it does.

MARCUS PARKS

But it does happen. 80 people between, and actually this is in India, 80 people have lost their lives from one punch since 2007.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow.

ED LARSON

Damn.

MARCUS PARKS

I mean there's a lot of people in India though.

ED LARSON

Oh yeah, they're like number 2.

MARCUS PARKS

Number 1 now.

ED LARSON

Oh they're number 1 now?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, they're the most populace nation in the fucking world.

ED LARSON

Way to get them.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, man.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

That's crazy, man. Cause one punch is one thing, sometimes like someone will punch you and then you fall and hit your head.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

ED LARSON

That's one thing. But this is just a punch kills you.

MARCUS PARKS

Well that's number three is that like it happens in one of three ways. First, fatal damage can be caused to the brain, the force of impact can cause the tearing of veins to the brain leading to fatal internal bleeding. Which it sounds like what happened to this guy.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Secondly, a person who has been knocked out can stop breathing and they die of asphyxiation. Or third, even a relatively ineffectual punch can knock somebody over and cause them to bang their head and sustain a fatal secondary injury.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

So it seems like this guy, considering the amount of blood they mentioned in the story, he probably died from the first.

ED LARSON

Fucking wild. This is crazy. Do you think she just looks at her hands and it's like what are these?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm a mankiller.

MARCUS PARKS

With these hands.

ED LARSON

With these hands.

MARCUS PARKS

I hold the fates of millions.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa, you know it says here Dubai is not as conservative as you thought.

ED LARSON

Oh yeah?

MARCUS PARKS

Oh yeah?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

That sounds like a travel website.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No. It's in no way... Eddie, it says here being like go, you can leave your belongings wherever you go. Because yes, some people might find their government administrators strict but they said that, yes, it was sort of they do use the term 'ruled the city with an iron fist'. But what that means is that there's no crime.

MARCUS PARKS

It sounds a lot like Scientology. Unless you've heard it from us, don't believe it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Curious?

MARCUS PARKS

Curious?

ED LARSON

In Iran I remember they have the finger chopping machine.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Where they put your finger in and they chop it off if you get caught stealing something.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

And I always thought the ultimate thing to steal would be the finger chopping machine.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That would be awesome! Now see what you do with it. Now see what you can do! Meanwhile it's just being like we will just use a scimitar.

MARCUS PARKS

We have more than one. So yeah, this woman, she has been charged with murder. And we'll see if there are any developments in the future.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh you're not allowed to swear in public.

MARCUS PARKS

In Dubai.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No.

ED LARSON

How?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They fucking, if they hear you, they arrest you. And then also no public displays of affection.

ED LARSON

This is Demolition Man.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, man. No. It is not as conservative as you think, I read this somewhere. It says here it's an enjoyable experience. Go experience the ease of the slave driver lifestyle. That's incredible.

MARCUS PARKS

Well I got a fun story that hearkens a little bit back to our necrophilia episode.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Great.

ED LARSON

Please.

MARCUS PARKS

It's not necrophilia, it's necro theft.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yay!

ED LARSON

Oh okay, okay.

MARCUS PARKS

An investigator with the Los Angeles County medical examiner has been charged with stealing a gold necklace and rare coins from two dead people while on the job.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's fucking Johnny Doe.

ED LARSON

I mean that's gotta happen daily, right?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, it happens all the time. They just don't get caught.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They don't get caught. It's also like I still feel like it's frowned upon because what if the spirit of the thing follows you?

MARCUS PARKS

I would imagine that these people don't really think a whole lot about the spirit world.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

We have some stories coming up in 2024 that I'm very excited for.

MARCUS PARKS

Me too.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That will teach you a couple of lessons about stealing things and removing objects from the dead that don't belong to you.

ED LARSON

I think that what they should do is just get a bunch of fake necklaces and just always have them so you can switch them.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, you're talking about what my mom used to do where she was like Henry Thomas, you gotta make sure to have two wallets and then you have one wallet, keep your money in your shoe. Then you keep a spare wallet that has just one card in it so they don't think that that's fake. But then you have another empty wallet in case you have to run, Henry Thomas. Because then what do you do is you throw the wallet and then you run in the opposite direction.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah but didn't you get mugged four times?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Very much so.

ED LARSON

You should have listened to her.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It was before I did that. I had no money. I had a Discman.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I had nothing.

ED LARSON

I can't believe they took the Discman.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They didn't.

ED LARSON

It was like the last month that a Discman was like a thing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

They didn't take the Discman. I always remember the guy's face because he literally was like what am I gonna do with this?

ED LARSON

Yeah, because he asked for your iPod, right?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

He was like where's your iPod, man? I was like I have a Discman. And then the look of disappointment in me that he had, just being like damn, you don't have a fucking...

ED LARSON

It's like I live in your neighborhood.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, bro. I'm here, dude. I'm fucking, I'm scared, man. I'm just like you, dude. You and me together, let's go rob some motherfuckers. We don't have anything, man. Let's just fucking go, dude. Let's go. I'll show you where the rich people are. It's not here.

MARCUS PARKS

The Los Angeles County District Attorney's office announced Wednesday that Adrian Muñoz, 34, had been charged with one felony count of grand theft and one misdemeanor count of petty theft. Prosecutors said he stole a gold crucifix necklace off the body of a warehouse worker who died of a heart attack on the job this January.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Unbelievable.

ED LARSON

That's fucked up.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's fucked up.

ED LARSON

That bothers me actually.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Because as much as I don't believe in god at all-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, hate the cross.

ED LARSON

Let this fucking warehouse worker and his family know that he has his necklace.

MARCUS PARKS

Let him be buried with his gold necklace.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's his necklace.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. After the family reported the theft, investigators searched Muñoz's desk and found antique coins along with a receipt that belonged to a man whose death he had investigated in November of last year.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is the beginning of a horror movie.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, this is just a guy rifling through the pockets of the dead and taking... I mean who knows what else he took.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Because if you believe back in the day, there are some people that purposefully have left money with the dead because you know the old way when you'd leave the coins on the eyeballs.

ED LARSON

The Irish.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, so they can pay the man on the river Styx, the ferryman on the river Styx.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes. Charon. You pay Charon.

MARCUS PARKS

Yes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes. And then because if not, your soul wanders the planet earth.

MARCUS PARKS

It wanders the banks of the river Styx.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And then it shows up at your fucking house, steals your belt. Like I had to deal with.

MARCUS PARKS

Still on the fucking belt thing, man.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's still one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me.

ED LARSON

The more interesting story to me is like who died with a bunch of ancient coins in their pockets?

MARCUS PARKS

That's the thing, man. If you collect coins, there's a chance you fucking die on the way home from the coin store.

ED LARSON

Yeah. Which there is one around here.

MARCUS PARKS

You know what? That's one of the things-

ED LARSON

It's kinda cool.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm trying to not let myself get into ancient coin collecting.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Don't do it, Marcus.

MARCUS PARKS

Because I feel like it's something that I would really enjoy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Don't do it.

ED LARSON

How much is a doubloon?

MARCUS PARKS

I don't know, I haven't started the collection yet.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You gonna become a numismatist?

MARCUS PARKS

Is that what a man who collects coins is?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, you fucking nerd.

ED LARSON

Coins are great for burying. Not to talk you into this but they're really good in the ground.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

How much is an old doubloon? This is what I'm looking at. How much is an old doubloon?

MARCUS PARKS

Actually I do have a bunch of pennies and maybe I should bury those in my garden.

ED LARSON

Why not?

MARCUS PARKS

That sounds like a way to kill three hours.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

A standard Spanish doubloon has an average US price of $4000.

ED LARSON

Damn. Park your money in some doubloons.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh absolutely, yeah.

ED LARSON

The government's gonna come after you, they don't know you got this fucking bucket of doubloons.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

We're slowly becoming Coast to Coast AM. We're just selling gold for cash. But we don't even have a service attached to it, we're just telling people to do it. Whoa, this one's $45,000.

ED LARSON

Damn.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is 1972. Not 1972, 1712.

ED LARSON

I remember when I got my mom's life insurance money, my buddy's dad was like buy a bunch of silver, put it under your bed.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is all the old New York people that was around my mother just being like what if you just put it all in one giant gold frame? And then you put a family picture in it and no one knows that all of your wealth is in one gold frame in your house.

MARCUS PARKS

It's the most fucking stupid Queens idea I've ever heard in my life.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's very fucking stupid.

ED LARSON

What happens if the house burns down?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well the gold melts and then you get that puddle.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Right?

MARCUS PARKS

Go find the puddle. You tell the firefighter look for a golden puddle.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Just so you know, that's fake. But it's got a lot of emotional importance to me. Okay? No man, you get into doubloons. I feel like if you get into coin collecting... We talked a little bit about this, you and me, the other day about like you do obviously like collections.

MARCUS PARKS

I love collections. Yeah, we went to the Rose Bowl flea market the other day together. It was nice. We had a boys antiquing day.

ED LARSON

Hell yeah. That's very sweet. I like that.

MARCUS PARKS

It was nice.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Still, this shit's fucking expensive. This is $18,000 for a fucking coin? Walking Liberty half dollar.

MARCUS PARKS

I don't have to pay $18,000 for a coin. I could just be like hey, you got any of those Kennedy half dollars?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well yeah. It's fucking what's his putz. Wow, this is a fucking $17,000 quarter.

ED LARSON

It must be two-sided or something.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I gotta go through my old fucking change.

ED LARSON

Oh yeah. No, you've given away thousands of dollars without even knowing.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, we all have.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I told you what happened with my niece.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Where like she found my old baseball card collection. And she opened it up and she was like Uncle Henry, can I have this? Like all the kids at school think baseball cards are like fun now. And I was like yeah, sure, all right. And then I was like hold on a second. And I pulled it out and I went through some of it and I found this Bobby Bonilla rookie card from the Pittsburgh Pirates.

MARCUS PARKS

Wow.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And I fucking looked it up and it was like $750, right. And I was like give me those fucking cards back. I was like this is a game, this is a game you're playing, you know I'm stupid. She was just like I didn't know that they'd be worth a lot of money. I was like this is fucking... Yeah, I didn't know.

MARCUS PARKS

She knew.

ED LARSON

I remember when I tried, I got all my cards back. I had like two giant tupperware bins of cards. I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do with these things? And I called up a couple of card stores and they all were like it's worthless.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Most of it is worthless. The rest of it's probably worthless. Most of it is because-

ED LARSON

Because in the 90s and 80s they overprinted everything.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

But the old shit still is a lot of money.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

See that's the thing, I got a Michael Jordan rookie card that was given to me by a pedophile because he was grooming me.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Cool.

MARCUS PARKS

But that means I also have a Dominique Wilkins rookie card.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So it was worth it.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. And the Michael Jordan, I mean-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And you never had to suck his dick!

MARCUS PARKS

I never got molested.

ED LARSON

The Hawks, another predator. But Andre Johnson, oh, he's the human highlight machine. Fuck!

MARCUS PARKS

But no, but I never got molested but I did get a very valuable basketball card out of it that I still have.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Are you gonna sell it?

MARCUS PARKS

Maybe someday, I don't know.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'd take it.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. I'm not gonna give it to you.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Michael Jordan.

ED LARSON

You gotta buy it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'll fence it.

MARCUS PARKS

You can buy it from me.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Let me fence it from you.

MARCUS PARKS

No, buy it from me.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, give me a vig.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm not gonna give you a vig.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Right, give me a little vig. I'll go and I got a guy, I'll go down by the fucking wharf.

MARCUS PARKS

I can get a guy. I don't need... Baseball cards are very easy to sell.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I got your guy.

ED LARSON

What's his name?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I got the guy. Let's just say his name is... Let's just say his name's Tony.

MARCUS PARKS

Tony. Tony the baseball card dealer down by the wharf.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, my guy.

ED LARSON

Yeah. So San Francisco?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

ED LARSON

Because that's the only wharf I can think of in California.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's Little San Francisco in LA. Have you ever been to Little San Francisco? It's called Skid Row. Downtown.

MARCUS PARKS

Well that's pretty much all we got with the guy. He stole the gold cross, he stole the coins. But now they're in the process of investigating like what the fuck else did this guy steal?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Of course.

ED LARSON

Oh I'm sure all kinds of shit.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's no way that's the only thing he stole. But that's the beginning of a horror movie. Never steal from the dead.

MARCUS PARKS

No.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I know that is like one of truly, I have very few rules, and that's one of them.

ED LARSON

What if they've been dead like a long time?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Then definitely no.

ED LARSON

What if they've been dead for 100 years?

MARCUS PARKS

Then it's archeology.

ED LARSON

Ulysses S. Grant. You can steal from his shit.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But I think yeah, that's why archaeologists don't get paid a lot of money because they're cursed.

ED LARSON

Then they should get paid a lot of money.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, it's the opposite. You get your jollies, right. That's all they're doing, they're doing it for the sexual pleasure.

ED LARSON

So are all museums like haunted then?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I find that... You've seen-

ED LARSON

Indiana Jones?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Night at the Museum.

ED LARSON

Yes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's scary to be in a museum at night.

ED LARSON

And I've seen The Relic.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But yeah, it's scary to be in a museum at night. Fucking Ben Stiller's in there. These things come alive. I would find the energy to be haunting. When we had the private tour of the British Museum-

MARCUS PARKS

The British Museum is definitely haunted, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

There's just a concentrated energy there that is... It's wild.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. The museum that I went to in Stockholm that had the entire remains of an entire medieval battle, like all of their skulls and bodies and like they showed a dude's skull with the wound and it showed you exactly how he died. Like this was the weapon that they used, this was how the fucking angle came down.

ED LARSON

God was he embarrassed already.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

If he knew that that was all the time.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

My whole life.

MARCUS PARKS

At all times, people just filing through.

ED LARSON

This fucking guy refuses to defend himself.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This wussy. Yeah, now he's blazing throughout the ages.

MARCUS PARKS

Well I got a story. It's a bit of a blast from the past that somebody's finally paying for.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

The former mayor of Osceola Mills. Do you know Osceola Mills?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No.

MARCUS PARKS

It's in Pennsylvania.

ED LARSON

No, I don't know it.

MARCUS PARKS

She was sentenced to prison time after-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Osceola Mills.

MARCUS PARKS

Osceola Mills.

ED LARSON

Osceola, that's a Florida word.

MARCUS PARKS

I figured it was-

ED LARSON

That's an indigenous word, Osceola.

MARCUS PARKS

But it happened in Pennsylvania. She was sentenced to prison time after firing a gun at Pokémon Go players in 2022.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Man, in 2022?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That was after the craze.

MARCUS PARKS

It was.

ED LARSON

People still do it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh yeah, of course.

ED LARSON

People are still Pokémon Going.

MARCUS PARKS

Ida Reams was sentenced Monday-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Mayor Reams? That's great.

MARCUS PARKS

Mayor Reams was sentenced Monday, December 11th to up to one year in jail plus 18 months probation.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's it?

ED LARSON

One year for attempted murder?

MARCUS PARKS

Well for her 2022 outburst against two people playing Pokémon Go-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Outburst? It'd be different if you drove past somebody... I don't know what a good slur is for Pokémon people but the idea of driving past, just going nerds! Than shooting at them.

MARCUS PARKS

The incident happened at the community food bank on Lingle Street. In the original criminal complaint, police listened to the 911 call and said that Reams audibly told the duo to get out right now and that she would quote "fucking kill them".

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is the food bank?

MARCUS PARKS

At the food bank on Lingle Street.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I just-

ED LARSON

She worked there?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. She was just there.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Well community food bank is probably where she was volunteering.

MARCUS PARKS

Well the man said that he and his friends were playing Pokémon Go when Reams came out of the community food bank noticeably intoxicated and started yelling at them.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa.

ED LARSON

It is kind of offensive to be like running around a food bank trying to catch Pokémon with your iPhone. I will say.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I guess so.

ED LARSON

Not saying that she did the right thing.

MARCUS PARKS

It seems like it was public land.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Can you get fucking liquor at the food bank?

MARCUS PARKS

I think she brought liquor to the food bank.

ED LARSON

She probably got it at the liquor bank.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah. I went to the fucking liquor grocery store or whatever.

MARCUS PARKS

But after the people called 911 and heard her saying that she'd fucking kill them, they heard two gunshots and the call disconnected.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Wow.

MARCUS PARKS

So they thought that they were, the police thought these kids were fucking dead.

ED LARSON

Yeah. She's lucky she didn't get killed when they showed up.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But you know what? She respectively stood down as mayor of Osceola Mills in 2021 because she said basically she won enough.

ED LARSON

Hold on, hold on. She was the actual mayor?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

She was the former mayor.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Two term.

ED LARSON

Former mayor? Two terms?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Popular.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Osceola Mills, wow.

MARCUS PARKS

Won in 2013, won in 2017.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I like her because she's real.

ED LARSON

I think there's more to the story.

MARCUS PARKS

You think so?

ED LARSON

I think these kids did something.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh he's blaming the kids.

ED LARSON

I think these kids set her off and we're not learning about something else that happened.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I think that Mayor Reams should have taken the opportunity to be above.

ED LARSON

She is out of line, yes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

She shot at children.

ED LARSON

Yeah but I think that-

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Because you know Gurney, our beloved PA here, Tierzo, they're a Pokémon Go person.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Of course. And there's nothing wrong with being a Pokémon Go person.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Do you think that Kelly deserves to get shot at by a mayor?

ED LARSON

I'm not saying that these kids deserve to get shot at.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

No, Rob doesn't think so. I don't think so.

ED LARSON

I think there's more to the story.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

The thing is they're following the Pokémons, right, they're going after the Pokémons.

ED LARSON

What if they were like grabbing her pussy and shit? Being like what's up, bitch? Yeah, you used to be the mayor but now you're nothing.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That would have been in the article.

ED LARSON

Yeah but we don't know, it's all hearsay so they didn't put it in the article.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Also I believe you do need permission from the Pokémon people to put a monster inside of your pussy.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. Here's what's interesting though, I found another report that said that referred to the two people playing Pokémon Go as two men. So I don't know if they're kids or not.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is misogynist.

ED LARSON

Okay.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Men can play Pokémon Go.

ED LARSON

Absolutely.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm just saying that they might be a little older. Because we're talking about them like they're a bunch of kids.

ED LARSON

They could be 18.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But guess what, man? Whatever gets you out of the house, it's just Pokémon Go.

MARCUS PARKS

And they were just in a parking lot.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

So you're allowed to be in the parking lot. It's not like they're frolicking on the front steps of the food bank.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Don't businesses have to approve, isn't that real? With the Pokémon Gos? Like don't they have to do a thing, be like yeah, you could have one of the Poké monster things in my establishment, like that's okay.

MARCUS PARKS

I think you have to have if you go inside.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So the outside it's fine. It's a parking lot.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, it's a parking lot.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But they're just walking through looking for the monsters?

MARCUS PARKS

They're just wandering around the parking lot looking for the monsters, yeah.

ED LARSON

I find it offensive how many are at Pearl Harbor.

MARCUS PARKS

Are there a lot?

ED LARSON

I don't know.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Lemme look that up. Pokémon Go. Pokémon Go to Pearl Harbor. There has to be, right? Don't they have them everywhere?

ED LARSON

Yeah but they're just in the water.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Pokémon, okay here we go. Okay, Pokémon spawning on military base question. As is well known, Pokémon did not spawn on most if not all military bases without a lure module at a PokéStop. Because something must have changed because I just caught three within five minutes that spawned without a lure and not at a PokéStop on a base where they never spawned before. So these Pokémons are jumping into our military bases. We gotta fucking stop this fucking shit.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is not good. We're getting invaded from the inside. From Pokémons.

MARCUS PARKS

I have some interesting further information about this case and you were right, Ed, it might be a little more complicated than we thought at first. In January 2023 a plea required she served seven days to one year in the county jail for these charges. After this was rejected, she was back in court in March for a sentence of four months home detention. By the way, she's got cancer, she wants to die in peace.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

This was also rejected in the case schedule for jury selection.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Oh she doesn't wanna die in war?

MARCUS PARKS

But when the trial was set to begin in October, officials discovered neither of the victims were available to testify. One had been subpoenaed but didn't show up for court and the second could not be located after he was released from state prison in an unrelated case.

ED LARSON

These are bad dudes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That might actually be, wow, you actually might be right. They might actually be bad guys.

MARCUS PARKS

At that time, District Attorney Ryan Sayers commented that the victims had been hostile since the beginning of the case, which was one of the reasons they withdrew two counts of aggravated assault at that stage and offered the other two plea agreements.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Interesting.

MARCUS PARKS

According to the affidavit, Reams called police saying she was in the parking lot at the corner of Curtain and Lingle Streets. She claimed to, oh okay, this is where it gets a little dicey. You don't really know with this. She claimed two men were looking suspicious. So she asked where they were from and why they were there.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

What was the-

MARCUS PARKS

Do not know the races of the people involved here.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

But she explained that she was quote "receiving a lot of harassment in this town" and she was quote unquote "done", adding that quote, "it's gonna be bad".

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Whoa.

MARCUS PARKS

And she was clearly intoxicated.

ED LARSON

Wow.

MARCUS PARKS

So I think this may have more to do with her being just a paranoid person thinking that the town's out to get her and being like really fucking drunk.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Sounds complicated.

MARCUS PARKS

And then I think there might be a lot of assholes in this story.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I think everybody's... I think the only person that's okay in this whole thing is Pikachu. Because there's a lot of rules here. Apparently they were showing up on military bases, Pokémon Gos were showing up on military bases and they were having problems because people were getting in car accidents on military bases while playing Pokémon Go and actively serving in the military.

MARCUS PARKS

Ah, I see. That's a bad idea.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, but it's also a data aggregator!

ED LARSON

Yeah. Free training, I'd say. Capture.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

See I think it'd be cool because I think Poké Balls, right?

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, that's a thing. That's part of it.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's not poke bowls? That's what I like.

ED LARSON

Poke bowls or something else.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I like a poke bowl.

ED LARSON

Of course, who doesn't?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah but a Poké Ball. I mean is that what that is? Is that what they call it?

ED LARSON

A ball?

MARCUS PARKS

A Poké Ball? Yeah. They have balls.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And they capture the monsters in them?

MARCUS PARKS

Do they, Rob?

ROB OKEY

Yes.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Okay. And there we are.

ED LARSON

There we are.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I don't know anything about these Pikachus, man.

MARCUS PARKS

Well I got one last story.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

You can find anything inside a worn couch, including a Florida fugitive who spent weeks on the lam for a probation violation for the sale of fentanyl.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Cool.

MARCUS PARKS

Police had been searching for Stacy Usher, 39, since early November for allegedly breaking her probation by selling fentanyl and unlawfully using a two way communication device. So apparently she was barred from using a cellphone. She was recently named the sheriff's office's warrant of the week with her mug and charges posted on social media. On Tuesday her game of hide and seek came to a crushing end when she was found stuffed tightly inside a couch where she tried to evade capture by burying herself under the cushions.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm just a bunch of M&Ms. Sounds like what's his name, Danny Devito from Always Sunny.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. I wanna show you a picture.

ED LARSON

Lemme see this woman.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm just M&Ms.

ED LARSON

Oh she's in there.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Wow!

ED LARSON

Yeah, they got her.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Hide and seek champion has been felled.

MARCUS PARKS

Yup.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Because that's a hard way to go. How long she thought... I guess with the fentanyl-

ED LARSON

You gotta run out of air eventually.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

When the fentanyl really comes into play.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's this idea of I'll just be a couch.

MARCUS PARKS

I'm a couch.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I'm a couch. You can't arrest me. I identify as a couch. As far as I was concerned, you're not the furniture police.

ED LARSON

What does fentanyl do to you? Like what is it like? What's the high?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It makes you super relaxed.

MARCUS PARKS

It's like codeine, oxycodone.

ED LARSON

Okay.

MARCUS PARKS

It's not necessarily a high as much as it is a numb.

ED LARSON

Then why do they put it in blow? Isn't that counterproductive?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's all bad.

MARCUS PARKS

There's a reason why, I can't remember exactly what it is but there is a reason why.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Why do they... Actually I'll look it up. I partially think it's because-

ED LARSON

I hate that you forgot your computer.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, yeah.

ED LARSON

Why is fentanyl in cocaine?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Why is fentanyl awesome to cut cocaine with?

MARCUS PARKS

Well I know that the reason why they cut fentanyl with cocaine and why it's a big problem is because cocaine and heroin are both dependent on plants. They have to be made from Coca seeds or Coca beans or seeds or I can't remember which word, the Coca plant.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Or poppy seeds. Where fentanyl is like meth, it can be manufactured anywhere. So they can manufacture fentanyl, they can manufacture meth, but cocaine and heroin, that takes a lot more production.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

According to this ABC News article, it's because number one, fentanyl doesn't always kill people, just a lot of times kills people because it depends on what the purity of the fentanyl and what your tolerance levels are.

ED LARSON

Okay.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Also apparently just straight up, fentanyl is cheaper.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And so they use it like they used to use baby laxative.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But actually baby laxative actually sounds like a much healthier... It just makes you shit your pants.

ED LARSON

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

I never shat my pants and I was full of baby laxative in the late 2000s.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But also I didn't even think you ate enough.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

I think it's when a fat guy does a bunch of cocaine that the diarrhea comes into play.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Look at Artie Lange.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah, how many dogs can you put in your... You weren't doing that.

MARCUS PARKS

No.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Seriously. Artie Lange, the only guy who got fatter on cocaine and heroin.

ED LARSON

It's crazy.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That takes a feat.

ED LARSON

It's impressive.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

It's probably what kept him alive to be honest with you is that he was actually eating food.

MARCUS PARKS

Could be.

ED LARSON

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

So you learned a lesson here today. We learned a lot. Your computer learned a lot.

ED LARSON

Yeah, I know.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, your search history has definitely been altered.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes, which I'm really happy for. But just don't do it. And for this New Year's Eve, if you're going out there and you're gonna try to do a little of the powder there, all right, you're gonna be the nanny of your group. Get those testing strips.

ED LARSON

Get the test strips.

MARCUS PARKS

Get the test strips.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Get the strips, get the NARCAN.

ED LARSON

It's a new day, it's a new day. You can get them on Amazon for fuck's sake.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

ED LARSON

I hate Amazon.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, yeah. Or just don't do the coke.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yes. Absolutely.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

You know what works for me?

ED LARSON

What?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Espresso.

ED LARSON

Espresso, yeah, yeah, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Just one nice, so nice. You go, you have a little pasta. You know what I mean? That little espresso at the end.

ED LARSON

Sleep upside down.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Thank you for joining us. A new year for all of us. And I think it's important, we're gonna fucking blaze the last year and then set fire to the new year. I think that's important. Where it's like everyone always says like 2024, this is my ear. Be like no, right. Be like no, this is no one's year.

MARCUS PARKS

It's gonna be a real rough year.

ED LARSON

I mean they have been getting progressively worse even though the pandemic's kind of over.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But every day-

MARCUS PARKS

What are you talking about? We know like six people with COVID right now.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's true.

ED LARSON

It's true, you're right.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, it's ripping through. It's out there.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But 2024, maybe one positive take though is that every day is a new opportunity to fucking fuck something up.

ED LARSON

Hell yeah, man.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And you just choose what that is.

MARCUS PARKS

Or to build something up.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

ED LARSON

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Fucking create some shit.

ED LARSON

That's a great idea.

MARCUS PARKS

You can fucks some shit up while you're building shit up.

ED LARSON

That's right.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

That's the idea, man. Fuck other dumb shit up, make new good shit up.

MARCUS PARKS

That's right.

ED LARSON

Amen.

MARCUS PARKS

Hell yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

This is gonna be great.

MARCUS PARKS

It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get through this year together.

ED LARSON

Oh god.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, we will. Australia, we'll be there.

ED LARSON

Australia, can't wait!

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah. And we're also in the process of booking a shitload of dates here in America.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Merica.

MARCUS PARKS

In the next few months. So we will be announcing tour dates soon. I'm getting healthier. My fucking long COVID, it's still there, it's still fucking with me but I'm getting better.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Getting to where I can go out and perform.

ED LARSON

Well it's planning and doing right rather than insanely.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Killing ourselves. Yeah.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, rather than blindly going out without knowing exactly what's wrong with me and trying to do it and almost dying in the process.

ED LARSON

Yes.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah, yeah, that was a bad idea.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

But also check out Operation Sunshine, our new comic book that's out there. Issue #3 had just come out.

ED LARSON

Yes. Is it out now?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Please get it from your local comic store. It is out.

MARCUS PARKS

Yep.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Go and check it out. We love it, we put a lot of work into it, we can't wait for you to read this entire fucking thing. We had a great show with The Knitting Factory, I know that we did.

ED LARSON

It was unbelievable.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

And I think that's it for now. And then probably towards the end of January twitch.tv/lpntv is gonna have a full pantload of new material. We have new stuff developing. We're going to do a full-court press and I can't wait for you guys to see what is cooking up in the LPN laboratories.

ED LARSON

Hoop-A-Goo-Goo-Game is coming, baby.

MARCUS PARKS

Yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

It's gonna be fucking sweet. A bunch of new shit. So hail sweet Satan.

MARCUS PARKS

And Hail Gein.

ED LARSON

Hail Mayor Reams!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah! Ugh.

MARCUS PARKS

Ugh. I don't think we know-

ED LARSON

I love her!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

The jury is out.

MARCUS PARKS

We don't know enough about Mayor Reams and who she considers suspicious and why.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

The views of Ed Larson do not reflect the views of the Last Podcast Network.

ED LARSON

I love you. You literally say hail Gein. Who cares what she did?

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

She gave us some excellent content.

MARCUS PARKS

I explained that in our book. I explain it in our book. It's explained.

ED LARSON

Which would make a great Christmas present if you forgot to get someone a Christmas present.

MARCUS PARKS

Yes, 'Last Book on the Left'. You can order it, yeah.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Yeah, it's still out there. I've only seen it on a couple of discount shelves.

MARCUS PARKS

I think there's a fair amount of remainders out there so go to AbeBooks and get it on discount.

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

Get it. All right, bye everybody!

ED LARSON

Bye!

MARCUS PARKS

Bye!

HENRY ZEBROWSKI

See you next year.