HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've got a death wish. It's me, Charles Bronson. You've never heard my Charles Bronson?
MARCUS PARKS
I've never heard your Charles Bronson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's me, it's Charles Bronson.
MARCUS PARKS
It sounds like Bob Dylan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, hey.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm Charles Bronson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's you being Bob Dylan.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm from Hibbing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, now you're making me Bob Dylan. I'm Charles Bronson.
ED LARSON
What did you do to my wife?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What did you do, Jeff Goldblum? What did you do to my wife? That's my resolution.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm from Hibbing, Minnesota.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm from Hibbing, Minnesota. That's Bob Dylan!
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, it's different. You're doing sing-songy.
ED LARSON
I thought he was from Duluth.
MARCUS PARKS
Hibbing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hibbing, yeah. But more it's now like this, now Bob Dylan talks like this more often.
MARCUS PARKS
We can do this all day. Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. I'm gonna do my New Year's resolution is to perfect my Charles Bronson and to separate it from my Bob Dylan.
ED LARSON
Wow. I think that's great. I would love to do a Death Wish watch party.
MARCUS PARKS
That'd be nice.
ED LARSON
Just go through all six of them.
MARCUS PARKS
Well before we get to that, that's Ed Larson. That's the man who wants to watch all the Death Wishes.
ED LARSON
Yes, I have a death wish for Death Wish.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does.
MARCUS PARKS
And we've got Henry Zebrowski who's working on his-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Charles Bronson. I'm Charles Bronson. I'm trying to get into, that's how you lock it in.
MARCUS PARKS
And my name is Marcus Parks and my New Year's resolution is to get more in tune with the earth.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
ED LARSON
Whoa.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You mean like bury yourself alive?
ED LARSON
You already dig daily.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. How much more? Are you gonna be rolling around in soil?
MARCUS PARKS
No, that's the problem though is that my house only has so much dirt.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And you can only dig so much. Because that's the thing, I planted a lot of stuff and it's all like doing really well.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like my flowers are blooming, they're beautiful. Everything's going great. But now I can't dig no more.
ED LARSON
Marcus Parks' community garden.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You are slowly but surely-
MARCUS PARKS
Ooh.
ED LARSON
Think about it, think about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly the more connected you are to flowers, you're becoming Kate Bush. This is becoming real.
ED LARSON
More of bush than Kate Bush.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Oh you don't think she's got... Oh.
ED LARSON
Well I'm talking about an actual one that you plant in the ground. Not the one she sits on every day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm talking about pubes. I'm talking about big, crazy pubes, brothers. Come on, man! Come on, Jack! I'm talking about pubes, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
Well today we got a true crime round up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
MARCUS PARKS
But it's also a Relaxed Fit. We're gonna be talking about various sundry, strange things.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
We're gonna be talking about some stats that have come in that I think say a lot about this country and a lot about the States.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do. Honestly and you don't know what is revealed by the tippity taps on your computer. And I have Eddie's little computer today because I forgot it.
ED LARSON
Yeah, it's very decorated. Henry isn't this friendly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Because then we were actually talking about this before the show, you could have just kept the computer and I could have not had the computer but it feels weird cause I'm the other guy with the computer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah but I also planned nothing so you should have the computer.
MARCUS PARKS
He also planned nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I planned nothing.
ED LARSON
Ah, take the computer. Get it away from me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's nice because-
ED LARSON
Answer some emails while you're in there actually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I will just say I'm afraid. I don't like being inside someone else's computer because I don't wanna know what goes on inside of the back of your fucking lizard brain.
ED LARSON
It's surprisingly boring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, it's just mostly like... WHat's your main porn search?
ED LARSON
My main porn search? Tits?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Like he's a man who just arrived in a time machine.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't even need to search, it's just whatever's in front of me.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I ain't all that particular.
ED LARSON
I like what's popular.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Wow, you do Top 40?
ED LARSON
Yeah, I do Top 40 porn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
I did the Taylor Swift of porn.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's on our minds. Before we get into some crime, let's get into some stats.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Pornhub, okay yes, they are, there's quite a bit of crime going on on Pornhub.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a lot of crime on Pornhub, there's a lot of crime just in general. But I feel like this tells you a lot about members of our constituency.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course. So you know they released all the stats for the year, what the top searches are. I mean it's not anything that surprising. MILF, hentai.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
So on and so forth. Android made a 1000% gain on search.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now did you go, I mean it, did you go on Pornhub and look up android and see what that even means? Cause I don't know if it's just like... Because part of me wonders about android- friendly VR porn.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it is just the search term android. So what comes up is something different.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you care if I do this on here?
ED LARSON
There's the private search there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
If you wanna throw that on that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just wanna see because I've never heard of that category before and I just wanna see what happens.
ED LARSON
I've never heard of it either. Yeah, is it people fucking robots? Or is it like people filming from their phone?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, this is for work. All right? And I want Rob, I want everybody who's an employee to mark this as for work, it shows up on the thing, this is research for the goddamn show.
ED LARSON
Yeah. This isn't anything we talked about in the office not into a microphone.
MARCUS PARKS
Well android is often combined with video game searches.
ED LARSON
Oh interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So they want like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lesbian sexy robot, Android 18.
MARCUS PARKS
Android cosplay, android roleplay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. All right, that's enough.
MARCUS PARKS
So they want somebody dressed up as a beep-boop robot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But no tin foil.
ED LARSON
I mean we're past tin foil, bro.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do you mean?
ED LARSON
They look like people now.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, they don't yet.
ED LARSON
Well I mean when you put the fake skin on them they look like people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well we have like Real Dolls but they're not doing anything, it's not like they can go out and get a job or whatever, they can't protect the house. They just lay there, get fucked, and then have to be washed out.
ED LARSON
Arguably a job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess.
ED LARSON
Arguably a full on job.
MARCUS PARKS
Pay for room and board. Paid in room and board.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's mostly a service.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well the most interesting part of these stats is the United States' top relative searches. And these are terms searched more often in each state when compared to all the others.
ED LARSON
Okay. It's not like which relative they wanna fuck.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. But there is that, there is quite a bit of that as well.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what's funny is that there's not a lot of states that have that relative fucking, like the whole-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stepbrothers.
MARCUS PARKS
Stepsister, incest, all that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You never hear stepfather. Why is that?
MARCUS PARKS
You hear it in gay porn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It shows up in gay... They also have the gay searches, it shows up in gay porn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Daddy' is also very large, very tall on the list. I was about to say very long on the list.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was a fucking video that I was searching for for the stream that I found and someone deleted, I was looking for it for a long time. I didn't think about the connotation. And so the video, again, if you know what this video is, please send it to sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.
ED LARSON
Your computer is gonna explode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the video was of a man, and this is real, he was caught masturbatng in public and there's a video of him masturbating but like real lazily, just masturbating in public. Then you see him being arrested and he's continuing to masturbate and then he gets into the cop car and someone's filming him trying to suck his own dick inside of the cop car, right, fully erect.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He must have been-
ED LARSON
You're already in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He must have had a Red Bull. But then I looked all that up, I looked up 'man masturbating caught by police'.
MARCUS PARKS
That's gonna be a lot of different-
ED LARSON
That's a lot of people, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's really like very graphic and a lot of it is not that video.
MARCUS PARKS
Because one of the top searches is also both in gay and straight is uniform. Cops, firefighters.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure. Sure, that makes sense.
ED LARSON
Yeah, that's popular for all time. Dudes show up dressed like a cop, they take their clothes off.
MARCUS PARKS
Everyone loves it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And then everyone parties and fucking practices blowing them.
MARCUS PARKS
But there's no state that has any of those top searches-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What you considered.
MARCUS PARKS
One of those top searches, one of those things that you would consider like all right.
ED LARSON
No blue lives matter?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god. Blue balls matter.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's stuff like for example, okay some of them do make sense. Utah, Mormon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Utah searches Mormon more than anyone else. New Mexico, Native American.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
More than anybody else. Wyoming, goth.
ED LARSON
Really?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I could see-
ED LARSON
They like the outsiders. They like a little something special.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I could definitely see some ranch goth.
MARCUS PARKS
Here's also another interesting one, in Nevada the top search term is Vegas.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're already there.
ED LARSON
Well that's where all the debauchery is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
So if you're in Henderson, you're not gonna search Henderson.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's right, you gotta get away from it.
MARCUS PARKS
If you're in Hibbing, Minnesota, you're not gonna be searching Hibbing. But you know if you search Vegas, you kind of get a little charge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I search Las Vegas when I go to Pornhub, I'm Charles Bronson.
ED LARSON
I remember some of the weird porn I used to get. I used to go to Vegas and they would just straight, back in the day in the 90s, they would just hand you porn in the street.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I remember that, they stopped doing that.
ED LARSON
There would be like little stars on the nipples and stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I remember being 12 and being like what?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess I can look it up again on his computer.
MARCUS PARKS
West Virginia, they'd be into that. Nip slip. That's their biggest one.
ED LARSON
Really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow, that's interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
There's some very, very specific ones. Like for example Texas, creamy.
ED LARSON
Really?
MARCUS PARKS
Just simply 'creamy'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean they like ranch. That is where ranch is mostly a condiment is in Texas, right?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or Wisconsin.
MARCUS PARKS
Ranch is also a very heavy condiment in Texas. We also love Miracle Whip.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
And a lifestyle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it very much is, yeah. Often put the two together. North and South Dakota are strange because they have different search terms but they're similar. South Dakota, their top is sour sex... Shower sex.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because sour sex is bad too.
ED LARSON
That's Pet Sematary sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes dead is better.
ED LARSON
She done turned sour.
MARCUS PARKS
But North Dakota, loud wet sex.
ED LARSON
Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
So it's similar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But is that like, I don't know.
ED LARSON
I would have never guessed them to be so clean.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But wet sex is kinda, like yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Loud wet sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's just more like are they-
ED LARSON
That's so specific.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, are they in a swamp?
MARCUS PARKS
Some of them are very specific.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is it like that, like muck?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know what loud wet sex is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've never typed that in.
MARCUS PARKS
I have never typed that in either.
ED LARSON
All the space in South Dakota, I bet they all got real nice showers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, good water pressure.
ED LARSON
Yeah, good water pressure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They've got stuff that we're not allowed to have here anymore legally.
ED LARSON
Yeah, those special shower heads and stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, blows your fucking asshole open.
MARCUS PARKS
Here's a very interesting one. Ohio, some of the other ones have big dick. Big dick was a big search term this year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Good. Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Huge search term.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure, sure, sure.
ED LARSON
big dick energy probably.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Ohio, small dick.
ED LARSON
Interesting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Ohio, very interested in seeing men with small dicks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Explains a lot.
ED LARSON
Yeah. That's where all of my new family is from, so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It really does explain a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ask your father-in-law.
ED LARSON
Yeah, that's right. We're planning a call, a Facetime on Christmas.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like this is a good time. Being like hey, Papou. Do you call him a special name?
ED LARSON
No, Bob.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, I didn't know. Cause that's one of those weird things about calling your wife's father a thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause it's like we don't do Dad, right. Dad is weird.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
I barely called my dad Dad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like what do you call Carolina's father?
MARCUS PARKS
Roberto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You call him Roberto?
MARCUS PARKS
It's his name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You don't call him like Señor Hidalgo?
MARCUS PARKS
No, no. I just call him Roberto. We're n a first name basis, we're friends.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We should make a new name for that guy. Like you call him like you do with your grandpa, you call grandpa like-
ED LARSON
Pop is cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Pops. Hey Pops.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Being like Wifemaker.
MARCUS PARKS
That's terrible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're a wifemaker.
MARCUS PARKS
Hi, Wifemaker. No, that's what you say the first time you meet him.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I changed my dad's name from Dad to Pop when I got a little older.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Pop is good.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I do take my earlier statement about no cops being on the most searched, relative searched list. The District of Columbia, big ass cop.
ED LARSON
Big ass cop?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A cop with a big ass.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's a cop with a big ass. I think there's a cop in-
ED LARSON
There's gotta be a guy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's gotta be one guy.
MARCUS PARKS
I think there's a woman. I think there is a woman in the District of Columbia, there is a police officer-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do I have to look this up?
ED LARSON
Chocolate city, baby.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not doing this again, I'm not looking it up again.
ED LARSON
Go ahead, keep the safe search on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. We're at work.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I mean it's fine. If it breaks, you buy me a new computer.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
New York has a weird one. Body swap.
ED LARSON
Body swap.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like that is like a convention. Cause there's certain-
ED LARSON
Like Freaky Friday?
MARCUS PARKS
I think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's foreign conventions that we're outside of, right, that we're not as interested in. Like the idea of the term free use.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a common term I guess that is on the thing, that is on the pornography systems.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like stuff like that feels like one of those, that's like a category that we don't understand as a category.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The one, and I love our people in Oklahoma, you know I love you so much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We do.
MARCUS PARKS
My family's from Oklahoma.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I got friends in Oklahoma, you guys are great. But the term, what they googled in relative to everybody else was 'sex dick'.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
Sex dick?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it?
ED LARSON
That seems uneducated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Sex with dick. Cause I know how I google search is always that. It was like that's how I did that one video, it was like 'man masturbating is caught by police, continues to masturbate while caught by police'.
ED LARSON
Too many details.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a lot of details but it's that thing of just typing, you just need that dick, you're looking to see dick having sex. And so you just go like I need sex dick.
MARCUS PARKS
Sex dick. Mississippi is the biggest furry state.
ED LARSON
Oh really? I would have guessed it was peepee. For P-P-I.
MARCUS PARKS
I liked it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But do you think it's got anything to do with the river? That old man river.
ED LARSON
I would never guess Mississippi to be furries though. I would never expect them to go out and buy costumes in Mississippi. I imagine Halloween is boring in Mississippi. But now not anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You'd be surprised. I do find that a lot of our listeners that have talked about being in those types of lifestyles, they do kind of actually come from a place where there's less stuff to do. Because it's a beautiful hobby if you're into it, right. You get to make all the costumes, you get to figure out... Because again, we've been chastised many times before, it's not just sex.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A lot of furries-
ED LARSON
It's like rubbing and just hanging out too.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a lot of just hanging out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just not being a person.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's being a sexy fox.
ED LARSON
I had a very interesting trip once in Boston, we were doing the cop roast. And we were staying at the Hilton. And during while I was at the Hilton, there was like a video game convention there and a furry convention and WWE was in town so the bar was nuts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, buddy.
ED LARSON
It was like a bunch of cops, wrestlers, furries, and nerds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In one bar. Seriously.
ED LARSON
And everyone was just getting hammered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just one bar of deodorant for the entire thing.
ED LARSON
Ric Flair was a mess, I don't give a shit. He was a disaster. Everyone was staying away from him, he was being real scary.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is scary.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He also continues to be a very large man.
ED LARSON
Yeah. But the furries were all over the place and I gotta say they were all sweet.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh of course.
ED LARSON
They were all so kind.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course they're kind, of course they're sweet. I would imagine there's a bit of a Venn diagram between the furries and the video gamers.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. And the video gamers were doing like a Magic card game. I don't think it was magic though.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And they were like, I'd never seen it. There was like 100 people surrounding them in the lobby and these two dudes were battling and people were just fucking screaming and shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
I can only imagine there's like thousands of dollars in Magic cards getting put back and forth.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're gonna end up, understand-
MARCUS PARKS
Tens of thousands.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're gonna experience a lot more cons in the next couple of years and you begin to see all the flavors.
ED LARSON
It's fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's many, many flavors. Because I find that the anime cons are interesting. They're more genuine fans but they are a little bit more reserved.
MARCUS PARKS
And it also depends on which kind you go to. Some cons are more fun than others. WonderCon is more fun than San Diego Comic-Con because WonderCon is more focused on like nerdom and like getting together and talking about-
ED LARSON
Where's that?
MARCUS PARKS
That's in Anaheim.
ED LARSON
Oh cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's great.
MARCUS PARKS
That's where I found like the Star Trek Society and like sat and talked with them about Deep Space Nine for like 30 minutes. It was fantastic.
ED LARSON
Oh that's so nice.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's what a comic book convention is supposed to be.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm about to do Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell panel in Raleigh at the, I think it's called, it's like the Animate Con or something like that, January 5th-7th I'm gonna be there.
MARCUS PARKS
Hell yeah.
ED LARSON
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
And while you're there, make sure to search bubblebutt, that's the number one for North Carolina.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See that makes a lot of sense.
ED LARSON
Now is that like shitting from too much barbecue?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, bubblebutt. You don't know what a bubblebutt is?
ED LARSON
I know what a bubblebutt is but I also know what bubble guts are.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And so I feel like they could be both.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, a bubblebutt...
ED LARSON
I know what it is. Something you could slap going straight down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. But I'll say this to our listeners, a lot of times it's fake.
MARCUS PARKS
Sometimes it is.
ED LARSON
So what?
MARCUS PARKS
Hey, mine ain't.
ED LARSON
That's goddamn right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
BBLs.
MARCUS PARKS
I got a big old bubblebutt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the difference is unfortunately you don't have a bubblebutt. You don't. Because you just got the bottom.
MARCUS PARKS
Many comments I've have throughout the years disagree.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Desperate, desperate men. You actually have a good lower half of butt. A bubblebutt, sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com.
ED LARSON
You think it's up top.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It also connotates the round at the beginning.
MARCUS PARKS
That is true, I have more of a rump than a bubblebutt. I have an ample rump.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You've got an ass.
ED LARSON
You've got a butt, like to me a bubblebutt, like yes, I agree with what you're saying but you do have... The greatest test is if you slap straight down from the back, you'll hit it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's a lesson straight from Tallahassee, Florida.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And Henry's, you just miss, you fall over.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. You'll hit mine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's my ultimate trick. All right, well I'm glad that we did-
ED LARSON
Florida. What's Florida? Come on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Florida is very broad. Fantasy.
ED LARSON
Fantasy, really? Because they seem so uncreative.
MARCUS PARKS
Fantasy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's so weird.
ED LARSON
Oh maybe it's Disney World.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
ED LARSON
That's fucking crazy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's what it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's a lot of Disney-based porn.
ED LARSON
Of course!
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
You kidding me?
MARCUS PARKS
And I also take it back, there is one stepmom, however it's s specific stepmom, it's California, it's here. Asian stepmom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
ED LARSON
Yeah well we're on the Pacific coast.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man. They see it a lot.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Makes sense. And Idaho is dildo ride, Oregon is nudist, and Washington is sensual sex. So that takes care of the entire west coast.
ED LARSON
Thank you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just typing in sensual sex.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What are you, Luther Vandross?
ED LARSON
Well they're so emotional, the suicide rate is so high, it's raining all the time. They just want to love.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(humming Careless Whisper) And he puts the saxophone down.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They like looking in the eyes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then he's like sensual sex, I want a soft curtain.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's mostly just that the backgrounds are nicer, there's not as much pounding. There's not enough like (moaning) fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they produced the sounds, they got a sound guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, softer lighting.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Isn't the whole thing like porn for ladies? It's like the whole thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Sensual sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, where it's not just, yeah, ripping and gaping.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Some of it's petting and kissing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And you know who loves ripping and gaping? That's Connecticut. Double vaginal was their-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!
ED LARSON
Double vaginal. There we go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh!
ED LARSON
Good for them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Commuter state.
MARCUS PARKS
A lot of time in the car for you to let your mind wander.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
WHat's Alabama?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I've bet two could get in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Alabama, fingering myself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
ED LARSON
Fingering, just do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a long-
ED LARSON
What is wrong with you guys? How lazy are you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's also a very, very long search term.
MARCUS PARKS
Kentucky's is really fun. Bouncing boobs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
ED LARSON
As long as it's not horses anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Udders.
ED LARSON
I'm sorry, I just have to know.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
ED LARSON
Hawaii?
MARCUS PARKS
Hawaiian.
ED LARSON
Good for them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Very proud. I love that shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like that's kind of selfish.
MARCUS PARKS
Selfish?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Why?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Surrounded by it.
ED LARSON
Love yourself!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's an island country, think about outside the box, man.
MARCUS PARKS
No man, love yourself. Love your people. Be your people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know, I'm just saying they keep it local there a lot in Hawaii.
MARCUS PARKS
Alaska, loneliness, sex doll number one.
ED LARSON
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, you would go online to watch somebody else fuck a sex doll?
ED LARSON
Well you can't afford it.
MARCUS PARKS
That's true.
ED LARSON
They're expensive. A good one is very expensive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not a cheap one. If you're just typing in sex doll-
ED LARSON
You can get a car for a sex doll price.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You really can.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. Because the highest end is like $14,000.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That sounds like you need one.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I do also love Nebraska. Nebraska's is very simple, it's very innocent.
ED LARSON
Cornhole.
MARCUS PARKS
Rub.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Rub!
ED LARSON
Rub.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly it sounds like it's more about barbecue. Also now I wanna get a fucking bumper sticker which we should sell as merch, My Other Car is a Sex Doll. That is a great bumper sticker.
ED LARSON
Trademark!
MARCUS PARKS
That's fantastic. Trademark. Mailing the episode to ourselves, we own it now, it's ours. Trademark, trademark, trademark. All rights reserved. Let's get to some true crime.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes please. Speaking of shooting in the butt, we gotta do it.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah, good joke.
MARCUS PARKS
A newly filed report by the Food and Drug Administration describes an incident in a Wisconsin hospital where a woman was shot in the buttocks after bringing a gun into a room with an MRI machine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you ever had an MRI?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. But when I was 16, I did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
I've had so many of them.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You know what? I thought I was gonna hate it more than I did.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
ED LARSON
Yeah, I really did. It's just like one of those things where it was like all right, I'm doing this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They pump in the thing where they're like (singing Orinoco Flow by Enya). That's the type of music that drives me into a homicidal rage.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, like massage parlor music?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate it.
ED LARSON
Lofi beats?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate lofi beats. Or the worst is Delta, like when you're waiting on the plane, Delta. That waiting music where it's trying to like relax you where it's just so like (weak singing).
MARCUS PARKS
Drives me fucking crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna fucking take off the fucking top of this plane!
ED LARSON
Virgin was always cool, they played like Michael Jackson and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But is that cool?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he brought-
ED LARSON
If on Halloween. On Halloween it was.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So do you think she brought the gun in there just because she felt unsafe?
MARCUS PARKS
I think she forgot she had the gun on her.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How can you-
ED LARSON
Lots of people just fucking carry guns everywhere they go, it's crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't frisk you at the hospital?
ED LARSON
Dude, there's these old Jewish guys I know in South Florida, they're always strapped.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You would never think it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My dad was, my dad was always strapped.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So many people... It's become such a crazy thing in our society. So just assume everyone has a gun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The 57 year old woman brought the concealed handgun into the room, the gun was attracted to the magnet of the MRI and fired a single round which hit her in the right buttock. Small and superficial wound however and she was healing well shortly afterwards.
ED LARSON
Yeah but now she's gotta buy a new fucking MRI machine.
MARCUS PARKS
Well no, she just shot herself.
ED LARSON
Oh okay. Thank god.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My question too is like well fuck that, honestly you're the moron, you deserve whatever bill you fucking get. But she's just extremely lucky it didn't hurt somebody else.
MARCUS PARKS
She really is. And she had been asked throughout the screening process
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You packing?
MARCUS PARKS
She's like do you have any objects containing iron? And the woman said no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I got mine from a 3D printer. I'm gonna fool everyone. Because I feel like that's a part of it, it's like you can't...
ED LARSON
But what does she think is gonna fucking happen? She's getting an MRI!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But don't you have a hospital gown on?
ED LARSON
You gonna cap the fucking nurse?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have this big diaphanous flappy thing on your body. Your ass is hanging out. Where is the gun attached?
MARCUS PARKS
Last time I got an MRI I didn't have to put on the hospital gown.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You didn't have to get your underwear?
MARCUS PARKS
No, not the last time I had one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just go in clothes?
MARCUS PARKS
That's what they put me in there for, I was in that fucking thing because they were trying to figure out the long COVID and trying to figure out the headaches and trying to figure out if any of my fucking nerves weren't working.
ED LARSON
What about like your zipper? Was that a problem?
MARCUS PARKS
They said it wasn't a problem.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they go in there and they were like well your lungs don't work but you got a real long skinny dick. Thank you.
MARCUS PARKS
Thank you, thank you. It stays long but it gets thicker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does get thicker. But it's the idea of, oh god, you got this fucking... I guess you're just scared. You're paranoid, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, man. The gun becomes a sort of safety blanket to you where you just have it on you at all times because you never know what might happen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And they just need to have it.
ED LARSON
She probably brushed her teeth with the fucking thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is my brother, my babysitter. I love my gun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that'd be cool, you just leave the gun home with the kids, right.
ED LARSON
Yeah. That could watch the kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So if they're ever in danger, they use the quote unquote "babysitter".
MARCUS PARKS
That's how most children get shot. Because they find the gun when the daddy's not home. Because I found my dad's gun when we were at home alone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not a father. Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Real lucky I didn't kill anyone with that thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Because it was a big gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You played with it a lot, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. I definitely played with the gun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course, yeah. Because you know why I found it? Because they kept it right next to where they hid the Christmas presents.
ED LARSON
You can't hide the Christmas presents next to the gun!
MARCUS PARKS
I always knew where they hid the Christmas presents and so like I looked up there and then there was the gun and so I grabbed the gun and I played with the gun and the gun was definitely loaded. It was a big revolver.
ED LARSON
Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is a good notice to all you parents. Guess what? In case you've forgotten being a child, they know where the presents are.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They look for everything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They know where they are, they've already found them. They found whatever garbage, whatever horrible pictures you and your wife took back when you were fun. They found them. They found the drugs, if you got drugs hiding somewhere, they found them. That's just how it is.
ED LARSON
You need a safe.
MARCUS PARKS
You gotta have a safe, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have to have a safe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But then he wanted to have it fast.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well then he should be packing. If he's got that gun on him, it should be on his belt.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
It is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In his sock.
ED LARSON
You know what I always said for that? Because Julie and I were like legitimately talking about getting a gun and trying to figure out what it was. And I figured if we ever did get a gun, I would get a shotgun and sand pellets.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Like that way if I ever, god forbid I ever had to shoot somebody, they would live.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the rock salt.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why I'm getting one atomic bomb. So as long as I have one, if I just have one atomic bomb, I don't have to do anything ever again.
MARCUS PARKS
It would be nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know? Non negotiable. Henry Nonnegotiable Zebrowski.
ED LARSON
You could sell it. You'd probably get some good money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The lord of brinkmanship. No, buddy. As soon as you don't have the atomic bomb, you lose all those wonderful atomic bomb fucking... What you get from it, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
Leverage.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Leverage.
ED LARSON
Leverage.
MARCUS PARKS
Well let's move on to the next story. This one is one of those accidental death stories. In a shocking incident, a 36 year old man died after he was punched in the nose by his wife after he refused to take her to Dubai for her birthday celebrations.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It tracks. If you feel like you need to promise-
ED LARSON
Was this here?
MARCUS PARKS
No, India.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is India. But the idea you have to promise your wife to go to Dubai, which is actually it doesn't sound like it's super great.
ED LARSON
No, I mean it's very expensive. Well the fish tank looks great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a city built on modern slave labor.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is kind of hard. And then they they pump a lot of stuff in there. And it's weird, you can't drink.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can't really hang out unless you go into these like private clubs. But I do believe that means you were also subject to being arrested at any point.
MARCUS PARKS
Quite possibly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know, I don't really know how that work.
ED LARSON
It just seems like a headache to have a decent time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well you have to know somebody, you have to be connected.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Long Beach is right around the corner, just fucking go there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
But yeah, so what happened? Did the nose thing go into his brain? I thought that was a myth.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as for the primary investigation, it's been revealed that the couple had a fight because Nikhil, that's the husband's name, did not take Renuka to Dubai to celebrate her birthday and did not give her expensive gifts on her birthday and anniversary. Renuka was also upset that Nikhil was not giving a favorable response to her wish to go to Delhi to celebrate the birthdays of some relatives. The police further informed that during the fight, Renuka punched Nikhil in the face, the impact of the punch was so hard that Nikhil's nose and some teeth were broken.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jeez.
MARCUS PARKS
With heavy bleeding. Nikil lost consciousness and died.
ED LARSON
How fucking strong is this woman?
MARCUS PARKS
Incredibly strong.
ED LARSON
That's insane.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the positioning. It's good to remind our audience that you have to be really careful when you punch somebody in the face. Because I actually think it's not even as strong as you think, it's more about an angle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Just like not hit the honey spot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It hit the honey spot at the right angle with the right amount of force. And surprising somebody, like popping them in the face, you'd be surprised what can happen.
ED LARSON
Do you think she had brass knuckles?
MARCUS PARKS
No, it just said he was punched, I don't know if she had brass knuckles. They said just fucking straight full on fist.
ED LARSON
Man, she's gonna have a weird time in prison.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Everyone's gonna challenge her and try to get punched by her and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she kills another.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like then she becomes One Punch Woman.
ED LARSON
Oh man, Stone Hands. Yeah or she becomes like the lady Roberto Duran.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh, Stone Hands Khanna, that would be her name. Yeah. Her name is Renuka Khanna, so like Stone Hands Khanna sounds fucking badass.
ED LARSON
It does, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They tried to say that you would have to... So apparently in Dubai, traveling Dubai as a woman... What? I'm now obsessed with this. I guess tourists can just wear regular clothes but for the most part if you're going to any form of mosque you have to dress traditionally.
MARCUS PARKS
Well yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Especially as a woman.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's just weird because it seems like it's a schizophrenic lifestyle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where they profess to adhere to the rules.
ED LARSON
There's camels next to Lamborghinis. I don't even know how to deal with that.
MARCUS PARKS
Well it's schizophrenic in the fact that they want to bring in western tourists, they want to bring in the western element while also maintaining that they must live by Muslim values.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they're in a theocracy.
MARCUS PARKS
It is a theocracy, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yes. Now where is Dubai? It's not it's own country.
MARCUS PARKS
It's in the United Arab Emirates I believe.
ED LARSON
Okay, okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
And it's a city in the UAE.
ED LARSON
Okay, okay. Yeah, I just don't... There's no reason. There's so many cooler places.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, than Dubai.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So tourists are allowed to go. So you can drink in Dubai but you have to go to a special place, like literally you have to go find a place.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It's like when I drank in Baghdad, it was on the base.
MARCUS PARKS
I always forget you went to Baghdad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I brought you dirt.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it was great. I got the dirt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He went to Baghdad but Baghdad never left him. Look at him, scarred forever. The mortar shells.
ED LARSON
I made a mental choice to not make a joke there.
MARCUS PARKS
You look like a guy whose been to Baghdad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They're watching the video right now, you can see.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
The name of the bar, you ready for this? Baghdaddies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh that's cute.
MARCUS PARKS
I was gonna guess Baghdaddies!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's cute. Apparently they do brunch on Fridays in Dubai.
ED LARSON
Those fucking weirdos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's fucking weird, dude. That's not when it's supposed to be done.
ED LARSON
Do you think they have different weekends than us?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! And they got Abu Dhabi! That's where Nermal went.
ED LARSON
Nermal went to Abu Dhabi?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he mailed him to Abu Dhabi.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what Garfield was always trying to do is that he was always trying to send Nermal to Abu Dhabi.
ED LARSON
That's a great joke.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, great.
MARCUS PARKS
He put this cat, he put this living creature in a box with no holes and they always caught him right before the mailman picked it up.
ED LARSON
It still gets me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, I don't wanna fucking go.
MARCUS PARKS
That crazy cat, Garfield.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does whatever he wants, dog.
ED LARSON
Yeah, go to Monaco. You know where's a dangerous place I wanna go? Cairo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do wanna go to Cairo.
MARCUS PARKS
I wanna go to Cairo so fucking bad.
ED LARSON
I wanna go to Cairo and I wanna go to Morocco too.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I'd love to go to Morocco.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I hear both those places are fucking great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I also definitely want to do the Passion of the Christ tour.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how I view it. Go down there, it's my view, I view it like it's a-
ED LARSON
It's hard. You gotta get the cross on you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. I'm just going ow, ow. Feel sorry for me.
ED LARSON
This hat sucks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you know who my father is?
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. Yeah, the one punch kill, it doesn't happen often.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it does.
MARCUS PARKS
But it does happen. 80 people between, and actually this is in India, 80 people have lost their lives from one punch since 2007.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
ED LARSON
Damn.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean there's a lot of people in India though.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah, they're like number 2.
MARCUS PARKS
Number 1 now.
ED LARSON
Oh they're number 1 now?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, they're the most populace nation in the fucking world.
ED LARSON
Way to get them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That's crazy, man. Cause one punch is one thing, sometimes like someone will punch you and then you fall and hit your head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
That's one thing. But this is just a punch kills you.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's number three is that like it happens in one of three ways. First, fatal damage can be caused to the brain, the force of impact can cause the tearing of veins to the brain leading to fatal internal bleeding. Which it sounds like what happened to this guy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Secondly, a person who has been knocked out can stop breathing and they die of asphyxiation. Or third, even a relatively ineffectual punch can knock somebody over and cause them to bang their head and sustain a fatal secondary injury.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
So it seems like this guy, considering the amount of blood they mentioned in the story, he probably died from the first.
ED LARSON
Fucking wild. This is crazy. Do you think she just looks at her hands and it's like what are these?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm a mankiller.
MARCUS PARKS
With these hands.
ED LARSON
With these hands.
MARCUS PARKS
I hold the fates of millions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, you know it says here Dubai is not as conservative as you thought.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
That sounds like a travel website.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. It's in no way... Eddie, it says here being like go, you can leave your belongings wherever you go. Because yes, some people might find their government administrators strict but they said that, yes, it was sort of they do use the term 'ruled the city with an iron fist'. But what that means is that there's no crime.
MARCUS PARKS
It sounds a lot like Scientology. Unless you've heard it from us, don't believe it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Curious?
MARCUS PARKS
Curious?
ED LARSON
In Iran I remember they have the finger chopping machine.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Where they put your finger in and they chop it off if you get caught stealing something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And I always thought the ultimate thing to steal would be the finger chopping machine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be awesome! Now see what you do with it. Now see what you can do! Meanwhile it's just being like we will just use a scimitar.
MARCUS PARKS
We have more than one. So yeah, this woman, she has been charged with murder. And we'll see if there are any developments in the future.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh you're not allowed to swear in public.
MARCUS PARKS
In Dubai.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
How?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They fucking, if they hear you, they arrest you. And then also no public displays of affection.
ED LARSON
This is Demolition Man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, man. No. It is not as conservative as you think, I read this somewhere. It says here it's an enjoyable experience. Go experience the ease of the slave driver lifestyle. That's incredible.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I got a fun story that hearkens a little bit back to our necrophilia episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great.
ED LARSON
Please.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not necrophilia, it's necro theft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
ED LARSON
Oh okay, okay.
MARCUS PARKS
An investigator with the Los Angeles County medical examiner has been charged with stealing a gold necklace and rare coins from two dead people while on the job.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fucking Johnny Doe.
ED LARSON
I mean that's gotta happen daily, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it happens all the time. They just don't get caught.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't get caught. It's also like I still feel like it's frowned upon because what if the spirit of the thing follows you?
MARCUS PARKS
I would imagine that these people don't really think a whole lot about the spirit world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have some stories coming up in 2024 that I'm very excited for.
MARCUS PARKS
Me too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That will teach you a couple of lessons about stealing things and removing objects from the dead that don't belong to you.
ED LARSON
I think that what they should do is just get a bunch of fake necklaces and just always have them so you can switch them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you're talking about what my mom used to do where she was like Henry Thomas, you gotta make sure to have two wallets and then you have one wallet, keep your money in your shoe. Then you keep a spare wallet that has just one card in it so they don't think that that's fake. But then you have another empty wallet in case you have to run, Henry Thomas. Because then what do you do is you throw the wallet and then you run in the opposite direction.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but didn't you get mugged four times?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very much so.
ED LARSON
You should have listened to her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was before I did that. I had no money. I had a Discman.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I had nothing.
ED LARSON
I can't believe they took the Discman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They didn't.
ED LARSON
It was like the last month that a Discman was like a thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They didn't take the Discman. I always remember the guy's face because he literally was like what am I gonna do with this?
ED LARSON
Yeah, because he asked for your iPod, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like where's your iPod, man? I was like I have a Discman. And then the look of disappointment in me that he had, just being like damn, you don't have a fucking...
ED LARSON
It's like I live in your neighborhood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, bro. I'm here, dude. I'm fucking, I'm scared, man. I'm just like you, dude. You and me together, let's go rob some motherfuckers. We don't have anything, man. Let's just fucking go, dude. Let's go. I'll show you where the rich people are. It's not here.
MARCUS PARKS
The Los Angeles County District Attorney's office announced Wednesday that Adrian Muñoz, 34, had been charged with one felony count of grand theft and one misdemeanor count of petty theft. Prosecutors said he stole a gold crucifix necklace off the body of a warehouse worker who died of a heart attack on the job this January.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unbelievable.
ED LARSON
That's fucked up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's fucked up.
ED LARSON
That bothers me actually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Because as much as I don't believe in god at all-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, hate the cross.
ED LARSON
Let this fucking warehouse worker and his family know that he has his necklace.
MARCUS PARKS
Let him be buried with his gold necklace.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's his necklace.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. After the family reported the theft, investigators searched Muñoz's desk and found antique coins along with a receipt that belonged to a man whose death he had investigated in November of last year.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the beginning of a horror movie.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, this is just a guy rifling through the pockets of the dead and taking... I mean who knows what else he took.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because if you believe back in the day, there are some people that purposefully have left money with the dead because you know the old way when you'd leave the coins on the eyeballs.
ED LARSON
The Irish.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, so they can pay the man on the river Styx, the ferryman on the river Styx.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Charon. You pay Charon.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And then because if not, your soul wanders the planet earth.
MARCUS PARKS
It wanders the banks of the river Styx.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then it shows up at your fucking house, steals your belt. Like I had to deal with.
MARCUS PARKS
Still on the fucking belt thing, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's still one of the weirdest things that's ever happened to me.
ED LARSON
The more interesting story to me is like who died with a bunch of ancient coins in their pockets?
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing, man. If you collect coins, there's a chance you fucking die on the way home from the coin store.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Which there is one around here.
MARCUS PARKS
You know what? That's one of the things-
ED LARSON
It's kinda cool.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm trying to not let myself get into ancient coin collecting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't do it, Marcus.
MARCUS PARKS
Because I feel like it's something that I would really enjoy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't do it.
ED LARSON
How much is a doubloon?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know, I haven't started the collection yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gonna become a numismatist?
MARCUS PARKS
Is that what a man who collects coins is?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you fucking nerd.
ED LARSON
Coins are great for burying. Not to talk you into this but they're really good in the ground.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How much is an old doubloon? This is what I'm looking at. How much is an old doubloon?
MARCUS PARKS
Actually I do have a bunch of pennies and maybe I should bury those in my garden.
ED LARSON
Why not?
MARCUS PARKS
That sounds like a way to kill three hours.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A standard Spanish doubloon has an average US price of $4000.
ED LARSON
Damn. Park your money in some doubloons.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh absolutely, yeah.
ED LARSON
The government's gonna come after you, they don't know you got this fucking bucket of doubloons.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're slowly becoming Coast to Coast AM. We're just selling gold for cash. But we don't even have a service attached to it, we're just telling people to do it. Whoa, this one's $45,000.
ED LARSON
Damn.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is 1972. Not 1972, 1712.
ED LARSON
I remember when I got my mom's life insurance money, my buddy's dad was like buy a bunch of silver, put it under your bed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is all the old New York people that was around my mother just being like what if you just put it all in one giant gold frame? And then you put a family picture in it and no one knows that all of your wealth is in one gold frame in your house.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the most fucking stupid Queens idea I've ever heard in my life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very fucking stupid.
ED LARSON
What happens if the house burns down?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well the gold melts and then you get that puddle.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right?
MARCUS PARKS
Go find the puddle. You tell the firefighter look for a golden puddle.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just so you know, that's fake. But it's got a lot of emotional importance to me. Okay? No man, you get into doubloons. I feel like if you get into coin collecting... We talked a little bit about this, you and me, the other day about like you do obviously like collections.
MARCUS PARKS
I love collections. Yeah, we went to the Rose Bowl flea market the other day together. It was nice. We had a boys antiquing day.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah. That's very sweet. I like that.
MARCUS PARKS
It was nice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Still, this shit's fucking expensive. This is $18,000 for a fucking coin? Walking Liberty half dollar.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't have to pay $18,000 for a coin. I could just be like hey, you got any of those Kennedy half dollars?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well yeah. It's fucking what's his putz. Wow, this is a fucking $17,000 quarter.
ED LARSON
It must be two-sided or something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I gotta go through my old fucking change.
ED LARSON
Oh yeah. No, you've given away thousands of dollars without even knowing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we all have.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I told you what happened with my niece.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where like she found my old baseball card collection. And she opened it up and she was like Uncle Henry, can I have this? Like all the kids at school think baseball cards are like fun now. And I was like yeah, sure, all right. And then I was like hold on a second. And I pulled it out and I went through some of it and I found this Bobby Bonilla rookie card from the Pittsburgh Pirates.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I fucking looked it up and it was like $750, right. And I was like give me those fucking cards back. I was like this is a game, this is a game you're playing, you know I'm stupid. She was just like I didn't know that they'd be worth a lot of money. I was like this is fucking... Yeah, I didn't know.
MARCUS PARKS
She knew.
ED LARSON
I remember when I tried, I got all my cards back. I had like two giant tupperware bins of cards. I'm like what the fuck am I gonna do with these things? And I called up a couple of card stores and they all were like it's worthless.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Most of it is worthless. The rest of it's probably worthless. Most of it is because-
ED LARSON
Because in the 90s and 80s they overprinted everything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
But the old shit still is a lot of money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
See that's the thing, I got a Michael Jordan rookie card that was given to me by a pedophile because he was grooming me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
But that means I also have a Dominique Wilkins rookie card.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it was worth it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And the Michael Jordan, I mean-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you never had to suck his dick!
MARCUS PARKS
I never got molested.
ED LARSON
The Hawks, another predator. But Andre Johnson, oh, he's the human highlight machine. Fuck!
MARCUS PARKS
But no, but I never got molested but I did get a very valuable basketball card out of it that I still have.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are you gonna sell it?
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe someday, I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd take it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'm not gonna give it to you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Michael Jordan.
ED LARSON
You gotta buy it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll fence it.
MARCUS PARKS
You can buy it from me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let me fence it from you.
MARCUS PARKS
No, buy it from me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, give me a vig.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm not gonna give you a vig.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Right, give me a little vig. I'll go and I got a guy, I'll go down by the fucking wharf.
MARCUS PARKS
I can get a guy. I don't need... Baseball cards are very easy to sell.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got your guy.
ED LARSON
What's his name?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I got the guy. Let's just say his name is... Let's just say his name's Tony.
MARCUS PARKS
Tony. Tony the baseball card dealer down by the wharf.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, my guy.
ED LARSON
Yeah. So San Francisco?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Because that's the only wharf I can think of in California.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's Little San Francisco in LA. Have you ever been to Little San Francisco? It's called Skid Row. Downtown.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's pretty much all we got with the guy. He stole the gold cross, he stole the coins. But now they're in the process of investigating like what the fuck else did this guy steal?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
ED LARSON
Oh I'm sure all kinds of shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's no way that's the only thing he stole. But that's the beginning of a horror movie. Never steal from the dead.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know that is like one of truly, I have very few rules, and that's one of them.
ED LARSON
What if they've been dead like a long time?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Then definitely no.
ED LARSON
What if they've been dead for 100 years?
MARCUS PARKS
Then it's archeology.
ED LARSON
Ulysses S. Grant. You can steal from his shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I think yeah, that's why archaeologists don't get paid a lot of money because they're cursed.
ED LARSON
Then they should get paid a lot of money.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's the opposite. You get your jollies, right. That's all they're doing, they're doing it for the sexual pleasure.
ED LARSON
So are all museums like haunted then?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I find that... You've seen-
ED LARSON
Indiana Jones?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Night at the Museum.
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's scary to be in a museum at night.
ED LARSON
And I've seen The Relic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But yeah, it's scary to be in a museum at night. Fucking Ben Stiller's in there. These things come alive. I would find the energy to be haunting. When we had the private tour of the British Museum-
MARCUS PARKS
The British Museum is definitely haunted, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's just a concentrated energy there that is... It's wild.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The museum that I went to in Stockholm that had the entire remains of an entire medieval battle, like all of their skulls and bodies and like they showed a dude's skull with the wound and it showed you exactly how he died. Like this was the weapon that they used, this was how the fucking angle came down.
ED LARSON
God was he embarrassed already.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
If he knew that that was all the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My whole life.
MARCUS PARKS
At all times, people just filing through.
ED LARSON
This fucking guy refuses to defend himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This wussy. Yeah, now he's blazing throughout the ages.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I got a story. It's a bit of a blast from the past that somebody's finally paying for.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
The former mayor of Osceola Mills. Do you know Osceola Mills?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
It's in Pennsylvania.
ED LARSON
No, I don't know it.
MARCUS PARKS
She was sentenced to prison time after-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Osceola Mills.
MARCUS PARKS
Osceola Mills.
ED LARSON
Osceola, that's a Florida word.
MARCUS PARKS
I figured it was-
ED LARSON
That's an indigenous word, Osceola.
MARCUS PARKS
But it happened in Pennsylvania. She was sentenced to prison time after firing a gun at Pokémon Go players in 2022.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, in 2022?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was after the craze.
MARCUS PARKS
It was.
ED LARSON
People still do it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, of course.
ED LARSON
People are still Pokémon Going.
MARCUS PARKS
Ida Reams was sentenced Monday-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Mayor Reams? That's great.
MARCUS PARKS
Mayor Reams was sentenced Monday, December 11th to up to one year in jail plus 18 months probation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it?
ED LARSON
One year for attempted murder?
MARCUS PARKS
Well for her 2022 outburst against two people playing Pokémon Go-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Outburst? It'd be different if you drove past somebody... I don't know what a good slur is for Pokémon people but the idea of driving past, just going nerds! Than shooting at them.
MARCUS PARKS
The incident happened at the community food bank on Lingle Street. In the original criminal complaint, police listened to the 911 call and said that Reams audibly told the duo to get out right now and that she would quote "fucking kill them".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the food bank?
MARCUS PARKS
At the food bank on Lingle Street.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just-
ED LARSON
She worked there?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She was just there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well community food bank is probably where she was volunteering.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the man said that he and his friends were playing Pokémon Go when Reams came out of the community food bank noticeably intoxicated and started yelling at them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
ED LARSON
It is kind of offensive to be like running around a food bank trying to catch Pokémon with your iPhone. I will say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess so.
ED LARSON
Not saying that she did the right thing.
MARCUS PARKS
It seems like it was public land.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you get fucking liquor at the food bank?
MARCUS PARKS
I think she brought liquor to the food bank.
ED LARSON
She probably got it at the liquor bank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. I went to the fucking liquor grocery store or whatever.
MARCUS PARKS
But after the people called 911 and heard her saying that she'd fucking kill them, they heard two gunshots and the call disconnected.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
So they thought that they were, the police thought these kids were fucking dead.
ED LARSON
Yeah. She's lucky she didn't get killed when they showed up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you know what? She respectively stood down as mayor of Osceola Mills in 2021 because she said basically she won enough.
ED LARSON
Hold on, hold on. She was the actual mayor?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
She was the former mayor.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Two term.
ED LARSON
Former mayor? Two terms?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Popular.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Osceola Mills, wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Won in 2013, won in 2017.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like her because she's real.
ED LARSON
I think there's more to the story.
MARCUS PARKS
You think so?
ED LARSON
I think these kids did something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he's blaming the kids.
ED LARSON
I think these kids set her off and we're not learning about something else that happened.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that Mayor Reams should have taken the opportunity to be above.
ED LARSON
She is out of line, yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She shot at children.
ED LARSON
Yeah but I think that-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you know Gurney, our beloved PA here, Tierzo, they're a Pokémon Go person.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Of course. And there's nothing wrong with being a Pokémon Go person.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you think that Kelly deserves to get shot at by a mayor?
ED LARSON
I'm not saying that these kids deserve to get shot at.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, Rob doesn't think so. I don't think so.
ED LARSON
I think there's more to the story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The thing is they're following the Pokémons, right, they're going after the Pokémons.
ED LARSON
What if they were like grabbing her pussy and shit? Being like what's up, bitch? Yeah, you used to be the mayor but now you're nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would have been in the article.
ED LARSON
Yeah but we don't know, it's all hearsay so they didn't put it in the article.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also I believe you do need permission from the Pokémon people to put a monster inside of your pussy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Here's what's interesting though, I found another report that said that referred to the two people playing Pokémon Go as two men. So I don't know if they're kids or not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is misogynist.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Men can play Pokémon Go.
ED LARSON
Absolutely.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm just saying that they might be a little older. Because we're talking about them like they're a bunch of kids.
ED LARSON
They could be 18.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But guess what, man? Whatever gets you out of the house, it's just Pokémon Go.
MARCUS PARKS
And they were just in a parking lot.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
So you're allowed to be in the parking lot. It's not like they're frolicking on the front steps of the food bank.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't businesses have to approve, isn't that real? With the Pokémon Gos? Like don't they have to do a thing, be like yeah, you could have one of the Poké monster things in my establishment, like that's okay.
MARCUS PARKS
I think you have to have if you go inside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So the outside it's fine. It's a parking lot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's a parking lot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they're just walking through looking for the monsters?
MARCUS PARKS
They're just wandering around the parking lot looking for the monsters, yeah.
ED LARSON
I find it offensive how many are at Pearl Harbor.
MARCUS PARKS
Are there a lot?
ED LARSON
I don't know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lemme look that up. Pokémon Go. Pokémon Go to Pearl Harbor. There has to be, right? Don't they have them everywhere?
ED LARSON
Yeah but they're just in the water.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Pokémon, okay here we go. Okay, Pokémon spawning on military base question. As is well known, Pokémon did not spawn on most if not all military bases without a lure module at a PokéStop. Because something must have changed because I just caught three within five minutes that spawned without a lure and not at a PokéStop on a base where they never spawned before. So these Pokémons are jumping into our military bases. We gotta fucking stop this fucking shit.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is not good. We're getting invaded from the inside. From Pokémons.
MARCUS PARKS
I have some interesting further information about this case and you were right, Ed, it might be a little more complicated than we thought at first. In January 2023 a plea required she served seven days to one year in the county jail for these charges. After this was rejected, she was back in court in March for a sentence of four months home detention. By the way, she's got cancer, she wants to die in peace.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
This was also rejected in the case schedule for jury selection.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh she doesn't wanna die in war?
MARCUS PARKS
But when the trial was set to begin in October, officials discovered neither of the victims were available to testify. One had been subpoenaed but didn't show up for court and the second could not be located after he was released from state prison in an unrelated case.
ED LARSON
These are bad dudes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That might actually be, wow, you actually might be right. They might actually be bad guys.
MARCUS PARKS
At that time, District Attorney Ryan Sayers commented that the victims had been hostile since the beginning of the case, which was one of the reasons they withdrew two counts of aggravated assault at that stage and offered the other two plea agreements.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
According to the affidavit, Reams called police saying she was in the parking lot at the corner of Curtain and Lingle Streets. She claimed to, oh okay, this is where it gets a little dicey. You don't really know with this. She claimed two men were looking suspicious. So she asked where they were from and why they were there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What was the-
MARCUS PARKS
Do not know the races of the people involved here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But she explained that she was quote "receiving a lot of harassment in this town" and she was quote unquote "done", adding that quote, "it's gonna be bad".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
And she was clearly intoxicated.
ED LARSON
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
So I think this may have more to do with her being just a paranoid person thinking that the town's out to get her and being like really fucking drunk.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sounds complicated.
MARCUS PARKS
And then I think there might be a lot of assholes in this story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think everybody's... I think the only person that's okay in this whole thing is Pikachu. Because there's a lot of rules here. Apparently they were showing up on military bases, Pokémon Gos were showing up on military bases and they were having problems because people were getting in car accidents on military bases while playing Pokémon Go and actively serving in the military.
MARCUS PARKS
Ah, I see. That's a bad idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, but it's also a data aggregator!
ED LARSON
Yeah. Free training, I'd say. Capture.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See I think it'd be cool because I think Poké Balls, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, that's a thing. That's part of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not poke bowls? That's what I like.
ED LARSON
Poke bowls or something else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I like a poke bowl.
ED LARSON
Of course, who doesn't?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah but a Poké Ball. I mean is that what that is? Is that what they call it?
ED LARSON
A ball?
MARCUS PARKS
A Poké Ball? Yeah. They have balls.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they capture the monsters in them?
MARCUS PARKS
Do they, Rob?
ROB OKEY
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Okay. And there we are.
ED LARSON
There we are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know anything about these Pikachus, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I got one last story.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
You can find anything inside a worn couch, including a Florida fugitive who spent weeks on the lam for a probation violation for the sale of fentanyl.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Police had been searching for Stacy Usher, 39, since early November for allegedly breaking her probation by selling fentanyl and unlawfully using a two way communication device. So apparently she was barred from using a cellphone. She was recently named the sheriff's office's warrant of the week with her mug and charges posted on social media. On Tuesday her game of hide and seek came to a crushing end when she was found stuffed tightly inside a couch where she tried to evade capture by burying herself under the cushions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just a bunch of M&Ms. Sounds like what's his name, Danny Devito from Always Sunny.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I wanna show you a picture.
ED LARSON
Lemme see this woman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just M&Ms.
ED LARSON
Oh she's in there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow!
ED LARSON
Yeah, they got her.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hide and seek champion has been felled.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that's a hard way to go. How long she thought... I guess with the fentanyl-
ED LARSON
You gotta run out of air eventually.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When the fentanyl really comes into play.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's this idea of I'll just be a couch.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm a couch.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm a couch. You can't arrest me. I identify as a couch. As far as I was concerned, you're not the furniture police.
ED LARSON
What does fentanyl do to you? Like what is it like? What's the high?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It makes you super relaxed.
MARCUS PARKS
It's like codeine, oxycodone.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not necessarily a high as much as it is a numb.
ED LARSON
Then why do they put it in blow? Isn't that counterproductive?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's all bad.
MARCUS PARKS
There's a reason why, I can't remember exactly what it is but there is a reason why.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do they... Actually I'll look it up. I partially think it's because-
ED LARSON
I hate that you forgot your computer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Why is fentanyl in cocaine?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why is fentanyl awesome to cut cocaine with?
MARCUS PARKS
Well I know that the reason why they cut fentanyl with cocaine and why it's a big problem is because cocaine and heroin are both dependent on plants. They have to be made from Coca seeds or Coca beans or seeds or I can't remember which word, the Coca plant.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Or poppy seeds. Where fentanyl is like meth, it can be manufactured anywhere. So they can manufacture fentanyl, they can manufacture meth, but cocaine and heroin, that takes a lot more production.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
According to this ABC News article, it's because number one, fentanyl doesn't always kill people, just a lot of times kills people because it depends on what the purity of the fentanyl and what your tolerance levels are.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also apparently just straight up, fentanyl is cheaper.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so they use it like they used to use baby laxative.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But actually baby laxative actually sounds like a much healthier... It just makes you shit your pants.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
I never shat my pants and I was full of baby laxative in the late 2000s.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also I didn't even think you ate enough.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's when a fat guy does a bunch of cocaine that the diarrhea comes into play.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Look at Artie Lange.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, how many dogs can you put in your... You weren't doing that.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Seriously. Artie Lange, the only guy who got fatter on cocaine and heroin.
ED LARSON
It's crazy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That takes a feat.
ED LARSON
It's impressive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's probably what kept him alive to be honest with you is that he was actually eating food.
MARCUS PARKS
Could be.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you learned a lesson here today. We learned a lot. Your computer learned a lot.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I know.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, your search history has definitely been altered.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, which I'm really happy for. But just don't do it. And for this New Year's Eve, if you're going out there and you're gonna try to do a little of the powder there, all right, you're gonna be the nanny of your group. Get those testing strips.
ED LARSON
Get the test strips.
MARCUS PARKS
Get the test strips.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get the strips, get the NARCAN.
ED LARSON
It's a new day, it's a new day. You can get them on Amazon for fuck's sake.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I hate Amazon.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah. Or just don't do the coke.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yes. Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what works for me?
ED LARSON
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Espresso.
ED LARSON
Espresso, yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just one nice, so nice. You go, you have a little pasta. You know what I mean? That little espresso at the end.
ED LARSON
Sleep upside down.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you for joining us. A new year for all of us. And I think it's important, we're gonna fucking blaze the last year and then set fire to the new year. I think that's important. Where it's like everyone always says like 2024, this is my ear. Be like no, right. Be like no, this is no one's year.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be a real rough year.
ED LARSON
I mean they have been getting progressively worse even though the pandemic's kind of over.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But every day-
MARCUS PARKS
What are you talking about? We know like six people with COVID right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's true.
ED LARSON
It's true, you're right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's ripping through. It's out there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But 2024, maybe one positive take though is that every day is a new opportunity to fucking fuck something up.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah, man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you just choose what that is.
MARCUS PARKS
Or to build something up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Fucking create some shit.
ED LARSON
That's a great idea.
MARCUS PARKS
You can fucks some shit up while you're building shit up.
ED LARSON
That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the idea, man. Fuck other dumb shit up, make new good shit up.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
ED LARSON
Amen.
MARCUS PARKS
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is gonna be great.
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna be awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get through this year together.
ED LARSON
Oh god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we will. Australia, we'll be there.
ED LARSON
Australia, can't wait!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And we're also in the process of booking a shitload of dates here in America.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Merica.
MARCUS PARKS
In the next few months. So we will be announcing tour dates soon. I'm getting healthier. My fucking long COVID, it's still there, it's still fucking with me but I'm getting better.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Getting to where I can go out and perform.
ED LARSON
Well it's planning and doing right rather than insanely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Killing ourselves. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, rather than blindly going out without knowing exactly what's wrong with me and trying to do it and almost dying in the process.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, that was a bad idea.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also check out Operation Sunshine, our new comic book that's out there. Issue #3 had just come out.
ED LARSON
Yes. Is it out now?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please get it from your local comic store. It is out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go and check it out. We love it, we put a lot of work into it, we can't wait for you to read this entire fucking thing. We had a great show with The Knitting Factory, I know that we did.
ED LARSON
It was unbelievable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I think that's it for now. And then probably towards the end of January twitch.tv/lpntv is gonna have a full pantload of new material. We have new stuff developing. We're going to do a full-court press and I can't wait for you guys to see what is cooking up in the LPN laboratories.
ED LARSON
Hoop-A-Goo-Goo-Game is coming, baby.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's gonna be fucking sweet. A bunch of new shit. So hail sweet Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
And Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail Mayor Reams!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah! Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh. I don't think we know-
ED LARSON
I love her!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The jury is out.
MARCUS PARKS
We don't know enough about Mayor Reams and who she considers suspicious and why.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The views of Ed Larson do not reflect the views of the Last Podcast Network.
ED LARSON
I love you. You literally say hail Gein. Who cares what she did?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She gave us some excellent content.
MARCUS PARKS
I explained that in our book. I explain it in our book. It's explained.
ED LARSON
Which would make a great Christmas present if you forgot to get someone a Christmas present.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, 'Last Book on the Left'. You can order it, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's still out there. I've only seen it on a couple of discount shelves.
MARCUS PARKS
I think there's a fair amount of remainders out there so go to AbeBooks and get it on discount.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Get it. All right, bye everybody!
ED LARSON
Bye!
MARCUS PARKS
Bye!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See you next year.