HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was working on, honestly just to prep this entire show, all I did was watch Tár.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Three or four times in a row.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And guess what, man? It sucks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah? You didn't like Tár?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It really, really sucks. But one thing is... Have we begun? Are we recording this? You wanna record?
ED LARSON
Are you ready for the sequel? ReTár.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly we probably could learn more from that. But you know what's nice, I'll say what's nice about reading somebody else's manifesto is that it gives me a break from mine.
ED LARSON
You taking notes?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just so nice to step back because you look at Anders Breivik's works, you look at it and you're like what can I do better? Because this is the worst shit possible.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But also less is more. That's what Anders Breivik's manifesto taught me is that less is more, I could use more pictures. But he does in the preamble of it, he talks about all the various ways it can be distributed. So he gives you permission to distribute it for him. And so he puts a whole thing in there about how he would have included a lot more (Nordic accent) pictures of diagrams but they would have made the file too big to share on just an email. And I don't want to have all these different Dropbox links floating around because this is sensitive materials. And it's like fuck you, fucking piece of shit.
MARCUS PARKS
1500 pages of that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of just whining.
ED LARSON
So annoying.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's complicated whining.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the worst kind. I keep it simple.
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Marcus Parks. I'm here for the complicated whining with Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(giggling) (Nordic accent) It's me, Anders Breivik. It's Bray-vick.
MARCUS PARKS
Bray-vick.
ED LARSON
Bray-vick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I was listening, oh my god, hours yesterday. I was driving to Venice Beach. It was back and forth and I was just listening to the audiobook of 'One of Us' and he gets it in there. It's Awn- das Bray-vick.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik.
ED LARSON
He has an audiobook of his manifesto?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no. That's me reading it aloud to people on the street.
ED LARSON
This is a great idea on the Patreon! You reading people's manifestos.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's Ed Larson with the million dollar ideas.
ED LARSON
Hey, what's going on? I'm currently working on my manifeasto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly that's our restaurant.
ED LARSON
Yeah, Manifeasto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Manifeasto.
ED LARSON
Fucking 10 page menu.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You gotta go through my screens and then you have to read every one of my shout outs.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Anders Breivik, it's Bree-vick?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Bray-vick.
MARCUS PARKS
Bray-vick. Anders Breivik was a Norwegian spree killer who murdered 77 people over the course of one long afternoon in July of 2011. While 8 people were killed in a bomb blast Breivik set off in downtown Oslo, 69 were shot at a summer camp for politically active youths on the nearby island of Utøya.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now we can't talk about how unfortunately with that number, no matter what we do, no matter what I do-
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I see the number and even in the most solemn moments and I'm reading the most incredibly serious-
MARCUS PARKS
We said we wouldn't do this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. It's just incredibly serious diagram-
MARCUS PARKS
We explicitly said we wouldn't do this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm not. I'm not doing it. But I was just talking about it, it was commentary on it.
MARCUS PARKS
Commentary on the thing that we said we wouldn't do that we said was just for you and me and we weren't gonna share with anyone else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nice.
ED LARSON
What are you talking about?
MARCUS PARKS
Well as far as his reasoning went for committing one of the deadliest one man shooting sprees of the 21st century, Breivik had convinced himself that he was fighting against the tide of Muslim immigrants by murdering those he felt responsible, the so-called cultural Marxists. That was a self-made term by the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Why can't they all be like World of Warcraft where everybody shows up at a designated time and it all happens. And everybody's asking me where do we have our potions and where do I go? I don't understand!
MARCUS PARKS
But in targeting the island, Breivik went about his one man war in the most cowardly way possible. Instead of targeting anyone who might fight back, he went for unarmed Norwegians between the ages of 14-25, ie political enemies who posed no physical threat.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who also had no idea that they were his political enemies. This guy... I also wanna make sure up top because Anders Breivik loves the concept that he is a freedom fighter and a terrorist and that is why he loves the moniker of terrorist. Like he tried to earn the moniker of terrorist. That's why we wanna make sure what he actually is is a big, floppy, Norse fucking pussy. That is a street killer. Well he's a spree killer. So we wanna make sure we put him in that context.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he's a spree killer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just because he's got a stupid manifesto doesn't make you some kind of high falutin Osama Bin Laden type. Okay? I know you think you want that but you don't have the infrastructure. As a matter of fact, Bin Laden had friends.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He doesn't. That's how unlikable Anders Breivik was.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. At the end of the day, Al Qaeda is still hanging out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're having barbecues, they're hanging out, they're doing shit, they're playing games, they're playing soccer and shit. There's a lot of stuff besides terrorism that Al Qaeda does. It's kind of got, they have a community outreach program trying to get more guys in there. That's the term. But this guy, Anders Breivik, he couldn't even convince other haters to like what he hates.
ED LARSON
Piece of shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Indeed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Correct.
MARCUS PARKS
To make matters worse, the immediate response by the Norwegian authorities to Breivik's killing spree was bungled on a level that nearly surpasses what happened at the elementary school in Uvalde, Texas in 2022, where a shooter with no experience in firearms managed to kill 21 while police waited outside.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, those cops were scared. And you need to think about the cops.
MARCUS PARKS
They were scared. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think about those cops and those kids just started life. And those cops knew what they would lose. So it's so hard. I will not defend those children.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik spent well over an hour on that island, casually murdering teenagers and young adults before police finally managed to make their way out there to stop him. This was despite the fact that Breivik actually tried giving himself up twice, basically telling authorities over the phone okay, I'm done. Come get me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Come get me.
MARCUS PARKS
But when they didn't, he resumed killing anyone he found by first shooting them with a rifle, then putting two pistol bullets in their head, all in the pursuit of a misguided and misinformed quest to rid Norway of those he held responsible for their increasing Muslim population.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And let's be clear, Norway's still pretty white.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I don't really know what he's talking about. A lot of the stuff he made up and a lot of the stuff obviously he made up from his fart-filled gaming chair while playing World of Warcraft.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he made up a lot of it himself, other people made it up for him. A ton of it's made up. We'll get into a little bit of statistics later on to dispute all this fucking horseshit that these guys peddle every single day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's all white. White people, white snow, white everything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Food's white.
ED LARSON
Yeah, the herring, pickled herring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's all white.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very interesting because he's like, again, it's just an example of somebody who has not stepped past his computer screen that believes he has a full read on the entire society at large. Where it's like no, dog. You sit inside all day.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You don't do jack shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Don't talk to anyone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're not a part of society.
MARCUS PARKS
No. You can't judge society based on simply reading shit on the internet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because guess what, man? It's wrong. And all of this, especially this right wing, what they do to sort of like... We were talking a little bit before the show because there are obviously left wing fascist ideas along with right wing fascist ideas. There is left wing fascism. But I never understand why right wing fascists think that the only thing that you could do to combat left wing fascism is to replace it with another type of fascism.
MARCUS PARKS
But the thing is that this guy isn't even, there wasn't even left wing fascism.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, there wasn't.
MARCUS PARKS
He's fighting against nothing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's ghosts.
MARCUS PARKS
He's fighting against ghosts. Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He hates Muslims and he killed white kids.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Now as far as his personality went, Breivik was a narcissist of the highest order, a failure in everything except the act of murder, a continued blight on society from the moment he was born and tragically pathetic in every way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you seen his chin strap beard? I feel like that's the first example that you're not the Ubermensch. If you cannot grow the connectors from the mustache to the beard, I don't think you're gonna be the king of Norway. The Norwegians have big thick-ass beards.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Famously.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Up until he began earnestly preparing for his assault, Breivik lived with his mother and spent most of his time online in a location he himself dubbed the fart room. And he was so off- putting and repellent that he was kicked out of every real life organization he tried to join.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of other miscreants!
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like literally he would specifically go to where it's pretty easy to be included and specifically get cut out.
ED LARSON
Fart room does make me kind of... That's funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
That's funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's the only time he actually had a sense of humor in his entire life.
MARCUS PARKS
The one time, yeah. And in Norwegian it's fartsrom. It's even funnier, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just makes it sound funnier, it's fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it makes it even funnier. As a result, Breivik became a creature of the internet. In his later years, he spent most of his time either playing World of Warcraft, voraciously reading extremist right wing blogs and message boards, or taking pictures of himself cosplaying as a Knights Templar or a special forces op while wearing his trademark vacant stare.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has that copyrighted. And actually if you try to do a Norwegian vacant stare, which is like I will not, just to try to get sued by Anders Breivik, I'll try it now.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You can't see it, it's only visual. You can't see it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You have to go to our Patreon to see that trademarked vacant stare.
ED LARSON
That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Come for me, you Norway lawyers. I don't know if they even... Do they have lawyers over there? Don't they have to sit in a bucket or something? Don't they talk to a duck?
ED LARSON
Yeah, they throw a penguin and if it lands on its belly, he's guilty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa!
MARCUS PARKS
Well if Breivik wasn't spending his time online, he was writing his rambling, plagiaristic, highly repetitive manifesto, which ran a staggering 1500 pages.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You feel each page.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you really do.
ED LARSON
So who did he plagiarize? Just out of curiosity.
MARCUS PARKS
Other right wing dickheads.
ED LARSON
Okay, cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he said his was the ultimate compendium of right wing thought.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well this quite possibly makes it the longest spree killer manifesto in history, although the tedious nature of the text certainly reflects the tedious personality of the author.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tedium is the medium in which he works. Natalie asked me this morning because I was like ugh this fucking manifesto, been reading it the last two days. She's like well has there ever been an entertaining manifesto?
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I said well from our episodes, Chris Dorner.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Chris Dorner. Great manifesto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Never put Dorner in a corner. Great manifesto. You remember.
ED LARSON
Oh my god, that was the fucking bane of my life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It was terrifying when it happened.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Going around killing people, he drops Jeff Ross's name, I'm working for him at the time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
We're shooting his TV show.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
He's running around LA killing cops, he's like I love you. We're like what the fuck?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey man, never turn away a fan.
MARCUS PARKS
But before we get to the formative years of Anders Breivik, let's acknowledge our main source today. For this series we're relying on the definitive and pleasantly exhaustive book 'One of Us' by Åsne Seierstad, which could have just as easily been titled Portrait of an Asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's this episode title immediately. Now this book is really fucking good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it really does place the context of Anders Breivik and where he came from. It's really step by step and a very interesting read. And also very funny because she fucking burns him in every corner.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. I mean the subject can be tedious, Anders Breivik himself can be tedious, but the book never is. I mean it's props to the author for writing a story in such a way as to make it like fascinating.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
To look into like how does one become an Anders Breivik?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'll tell you how, don't get good at anything. That's the first obstacle.
MARCUS PARKS
And so let's get into that portrait by exploring the family that produced one of the most abhorrent people of the 21st century. Now when it comes to the biggest influence in Breivik's home life, it was undoubtedly his mother who helped make Breivik into the type of person who was capable of doing what he did.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, mom of the year.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Her name was Wenche Behring, born in Norway just after WWII in 1946. After spending most of her early years in an orphanage because her mother was part paralyzed by polio, Wenche was eventually brought home where her mother beat her mercilessly and blamed Wenche for cursing her with a debilitating illness.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well she was right or...?
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know. I don't know how, I guess maybe she thought that she caught polio from her daughter and that's what paralyzed her. I have no idea.
ED LARSON
How bad could the beatings have been?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Seriously.
ED LARSON
She has polio.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean if she gets the wheelchair over there and your upper body still works.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Isn't it weird?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean FDR could still punch you in the arm real hard.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
FDR is a strong motherfucker.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah! He's got jacked arms.
ED LARSON
Yeah. He has this wooden elevator in his house that he would like pull up by himself. It was fucking badass.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It makes him strong. Is it weird that polio turns you into a rolio?
MARCUS PARKS
Because of this misplaced blame, Wenche's mother forbade her from having friends to make life even more miserable. And the members of the Behring family were described by neighbors as gloomy and creepy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And perfect. Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly as ordered. Anders Breivik does not disappoint.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
This is like the land of gloom.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. No, this is a gloomy and creepy land. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They kind of did talk about that. It was funny because I actually kind of thought that the weather in Norway might actually be very good. But they said like I guess that is a stereotype that even in the summertime it's very depressing in Norway.
MARCUS PARKS
I could see that.
ED LARSON
It's beyond the wall. It's fucking upsetting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Game of Thrones.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh, oh, oh. Now I understand. I was like Berlin? Then I was thinking about David Hasselhoff. Then I was thinking about Hitler.
ED LARSON
No, they're all White Walkers.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Game of Thrones again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I view them as Gimlis. I think there's Gimlis... It's like when we went to Stockholm. I met Gimlis and I met Legolases.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there was the two. And the Gimlis came to our show and they said that the Legolases wouldn't come to our show because they're all-
ED LARSON
Too busy fucking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The strong people live in the mountains and they come from the north.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then they came down to our shows.
MARCUS PARKS
Our show was in Sweden.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yar. But that's what I mean. I still view them as Gimlis and Legolases.
MARCUS PARKS
I've had a lot of experience with the Scandinavians. I know the Icelandic people quite well and they're quite jolly.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are they considered Scandinavian?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Definitely. Absolutely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
100%.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I thought it was just that cluster. I thought it was Norway, Sweden, Finland.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean they do see themselves as somewhat apart. But yes, they're very much Scandinavian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because the Icelanders, they're like island people. They eat puffin and they live on lava. You know what I mean? Norway is the land of like, not clocks, but it's something like clocks.
ED LARSON
That's right. It is like cold Hawaii.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well after Wenche Behring, Anders's mother, after she left home at 17, she was actually well liked by most of the people who knew her. She was described as quick, clever, and considerate. But all that changed when she began having children. After having a baby with a Swedish man, Wenche married a cold and remote Norwegian named Jens Breivik. Soon after she gave birth to Anders, although Anders came very close to being an abortion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, so close!
ED LARSON
Oh man!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, just right there, almost. Wenche, after rushing into the marriage, noticed that Jens was distant at best with adults but he was even worse with children.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Why do you think if you're not good with adults, you're definitely not gonna be super great with kids. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know.
ED LARSON
Dogs are probably fine.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean, you know.
MARCUS PARKS
But maybe thinking that Jens would act differently with a child of his own, Wenche went forward with the pregnancy anyway, giving birth to Anders in 1979.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's always been my advice. If you find that your marriage isn't working and you're having problems there in the center of your relationship, throw a kid in there.
ED LARSON
Always works.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, always.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It always does. Because you know what's nice? You guys, it gives you a chance for you both to focus your rage and your bitterness on a third party. You know what I mean?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who didn't ask to be here.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Scapegoats.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
It's perfect.
ED LARSON
And you know what's a baby goat? A kid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Her fears however were soon realized when Jens showed no interest in the infant Anders. And Wenche became even more distant and inconsiderate of anyone's feelings but his own. In other words, the apple didn't fall far from the tree, being an asshole can be genetic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh it was definitely in the DNA.
ED LARSON
Yeah. He looks like a skinned apple.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He really does. You know what is with these guys that all believe they are the aryan... They always think that they're the pinnacle of white people.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you look at them, it's like have you seen Tom Brady? Like have you seen like-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like you're not. Because he was maybe, even though I'm not into heightism, that's what I call it-
ED LARSON
Oh yeah?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
When people say that against me.
ED LARSON
People say that about you?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well they say call me a short king which I find to be infantilizing.
ED LARSON
Well king is very much a compliment.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it is because it's-
MARCUS PARKS
I've heard you refer to yourself as a prince more than once.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I am! I'm different. I actually am a short king. Others are not.
ED LARSON
You're like the prize pig at the farm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It doesn't know it's about to get killed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it's studded right before he's murdered, which is the only thing I ask for. But why do these guys who all think that they're the fucking... Like you look like a guy who orders paper for the office.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the old cliche is that the biggest champions of the white race are always the worst fucking examples of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Always. And so over the next few years, Wenche fell into a depression that she'd struggle with for the rest of her life, in addition to a myriad of other untreated mental problems that were only made worse by the fact that her son seemed to be born bad.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We don't talk about that a lot on the show because I do feel like it's difficult to say that children are born bad. But Anders Breivik deserves that, he deserves that moniker. He was a piece of shit. I bet you he was a bad egg in the pussy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bet you that like I think his sperm was a dickhead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he is such an absolute utter total dickhead since day one. And he was scary as a four year old.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. After only a year, Anders turned from a fairly placid baby to a clinging, whining, moody, violent toddler. Meanwhile Wenche had filed for divorce from Jens and seemed to be changed by the utter failure of her marriage. Subsequently she became strange and aggressive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Which are two, it's a terrible combination to be strange and aggressive.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well what happens when your baby turns into Alfred Molina from Boogie Nights? Like what do you do when you're scared of it? Your baby has become Tom Sizemore and it's walking back and forth, throwing shit over, going like (Nordic accent) what are you going to do, mama? What you going to fucking do? Do you want to get the knife, mama? And you're like Jesus fucking Christ.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You were just sucking on me.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You know he fucking ruined her nipples, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. (growling)
ED LARSON
Those nipples are like at least a foot and a half.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's hard when you turn a breast into a fjord.
MARCUS PARKS
See in Norway, single parents can apply for something called respite care in which children spend time with another family to give overwhelmed caregivers a chance to catch their breath. It's a great fucking program.
ED LARSON
That's fucking awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
It's there to give a human being a healthy amount of leisure time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
To take holidays, connect with friends and family.
ED LARSON
God forbid.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, god forbid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God forbid honestly.
MARCUS PARKS
You have a fucking single parent that has time to fucking relax for goddamn second.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh you mean like a... Because you know what, man? Fuck you. How dare you have freedom?
ED LARSON
I'd borrow a kid.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, I totally would borrow a kid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Be like I'll teach him how to pickpocket and then like we'll go down there and teach him how to hotwire cars. I'll get a Kia boy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Roll this blunt.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That'd be incredible.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Anders and Wenche were approved for respite care and Anders was assigned to visit a more stable family twice a month. Wenche however couldn't help but make bizarre and patently illegal requests to the family helping her out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I don't know like we obviously can't go into the full details of it but Wenche, she was weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She was very, very strange.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they just kind of let him to his own devices. Because like she just told everyone just straight up like my baby scares me, like it's scaring me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like he's encompassing my entire life.
MARCUS PARKS
And his father has left.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Checked out. He's checked out.
MARCUS PARKS
He like lives in London now and they're in Oslo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he was a lower level diplomat.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which I think just means he fucks people in other countries.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Reports back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Not good, soggy vagina. Painted hair, good conversation.
MARCUS PARKS
But for an example of Wenche's strangeness, she was obsessed with her son's sexuality and therefore paradoxically insisted that Anders be allowed to quote "touch his weekend dad's penis" on the regular.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think there was a series of movies called Touch Your Weekend Dad's Penis.
MARCUS PARKS
No but she would ask him like (Nordic accent) so do you mind, like he doesn't really have a father figure around. So do you mind that maybe when he's around he could maybe touch your penis?
ED LARSON
Like what was the reasoning for this?
MARCUS PARKS
The reason was that if he wanted to be straight, he had to be familiar with how a male body worked because he only saw girls crotches.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I didn't know what it was like to be a man-
ED LARSON
That doesn't make any sense!
MARCUS PARKS
No, because he was fucking insane!
ED LARSON
I know my penis. At 12 I knew my penis. Vaginas still a box of wonders.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You just weren't trained right, man. You weren't trained right. I am the perfect man because I jerked off my grandfather once a week. And he taught me... He was in WWII!
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's important to see a Greatest Generation cock once.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In order for you to understand what it's like to have a penis that beat Hitler.
ED LARSON
Nice gray...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He used to wear like three feet long underwear too. I do remember that about my grandfather, he was covered in powder.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was the old days.
MARCUS PARKS
Incredibly, the weekend family didn't report Wenche for these nonsensical and abusive requests simply because they were just too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just weird. I guess in other countries they don't have cannoli Sundays.
ED LARSON
Please, sir. Please let my boy touch your penis. I beg of you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's just like-
MARCUS PARKS
I don't... I don't think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Okay. (Nordic accent) I'm just the weekend daddy but maybe we could have some sort of compromise where I go pantless and I stand like 10-15 ft away from him.
MARCUS PARKS
Strangely though, while the weekend family described Anders as a sweet boy, he was a mildly psychopathic terror to his mother. Breivik would hit both his mother and his sister, he would smirk when he was punished, and he would shout 'it doesn't hurt, it doesn't hurt' when his mother wrongly shook him out of frustration.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he was specifically very aggravating. And they did say that for a four year old, he punched hard.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well I guess a four year old... Four year olds I guess don't have the intention to hurt a lot of times. But man, I guess if you have it-
ED LARSON
Man, I don't know about that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, four year olds can fuck you up.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They got the sharp nails and shit and they fucking laugh at you.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't give a shit, man. They fuck you up, dude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
This seems like a question that's gonna get me in trouble. When can you start shaking somebody? What's the age?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I say you can shake an 18 year old boy.
MARCUS PARKS
Man, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you turn 18.
MARCUS PARKS
Once you turn 18. Before that, you can't shake him.
ED LARSON
Happy Birthday! Earthquake test!
MARCUS PARKS
But worst of all, Anders would crawl into Wenche's bed at night and press himself against her, forcing his burgeoning and confused sexual desires onto his mother, creating a sort of vicious cycle of increasingly bizarre behavior on both their parts.
ED LARSON
Are we still talking about four?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He's like four, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Four or five.
ED LARSON
He's trying to bang his mom?
MARCUS PARKS
He's just getting real weird with it. He's just getting real weird with it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You've never done the caterpillar game on your relatives? No, it's fun to do. No, it's also like I maintain Anders Breivik is homosexual.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so I think that this is not an actual... I don't think he actually liked women. I don't think this was a woman thing. I think this was a strange mixture of it is a search for affection in a way.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he does not know how to receive affection and she does not know how to give affection.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well outside of the home, Anders was described as clingy and difficult, aggressive with how much attention he demanded from adults. But with children he was remote, described as invisible, silent, and scared, neighbors began calling him the mechano boy because of the stiff, angular way in which he both acted and carried himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was obsessed with being neat and clean. You couldn't touch his stuff, if you took his toys, it's not that he wouldn't share, it's that they would take the toys and he'd just sit there silently unmoving as you played with his toys.
ED LARSON
It's fucking creepy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He had one sister?
MARCUS PARKS
One sister, yeah.
ED LARSON
And that's it, just the two of them?
MARCUS PARKS
Like a younger sister, yeah.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Wenche meanwhile was approaching manic in her behavior. From recollections, she ignored social cues in conversations and jumped from one subject to another, speaking inappropriately about sex constantly and laughing at her own stories while the person she talked to politely and awkwardly listened.
ED LARSON
Laughing at your own stories, I don't know what that's like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I never heard anyone...
MARCUS PARKS
I've never done that in my entire life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not once.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no nervous laughter.
ED LARSON
What a C-word.
MARCUS PARKS
Finally though, Wenche and Anders were referred to the Center for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry for evaluation when Anders was four. Their specialist found quote "a boy who took no joy in life, who couldn't play, take part in games, or pretend anything".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that would go for the rest of his life. Anders Breivik is medically unable to have fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And there's something about that that makes a little Nazi.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know what it is. We were talking again, it was one of those conversations we were having before the show of like because Anders Breivik is the same type of nerd as the Nazis, right, like just the same type in terms of like real aggressive and also proactive. Like it's a proactive hyperfocus shithead.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And a lot of it has got to do with the fact that they physically can't have fun so they don't want anybody else to ever have fun. So I guess they decide that like fascism is the only way.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I found out something really interesting about Nazis, specifically Joseph Goebbels, the head of propaganda. I was watching this documentary about this jazz band that played for the Nazis, played like propaganda songs. Like (singing) don't trust the Jews, the Jews are bad!
ED LARSON
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
And they'd like broadcast it to fucking England and America and all over the place. But one of these guys in the jazz band said he once watched a screening of The Great Dictator, the Charlie Chapman Hitler movie with Joseph Goebbels.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Said he was laughing his ass off the entire time, slapping his fucking knee.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus tells me about this right before the show. He's like you know Goebbels was a funny guy?
MARCUS PARKS
No, I didn't say it like that. What I said was that I was also reading last night 'In the Garden of the Beast', it's an Eric Larson book about American diplomats in Nazi Germany-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
While listening to music that was forbidden by the Nazis. It's for the CAN series we got coming up on No Dogs in Space. And the people that were the diplomats to America actually did say, they said in their letters Joseph Goebbels was funny.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a funny guy!
MARCUS PARKS
They said he was witty, he was good company.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They actually said that he was the Carrot Top of the Nazi party. I was like that's wild.
MARCUS PARKS
But how insane is that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Charlie Chaplin didn't wanna make that movie.
MARCUS PARKS
Really?
ED LARSON
Yeah. No, he was real worried about it and then he hit up the president, FDR, and then FDR was like yeah, no, do it. This is your job as an American, as a hilarious American. You have to make fun of Hitler.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like you will do this film or I will kick your ass! That's a funny joke.
MARCUS PARKS
Well as far as Breivik's personality went, he had no language for expressing emotions and he was unable to empathize with others, which honestly it's not the craziest thing because kids around four years old, they're notorious for pointing out physical abnormalities, loudly and in public.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, of course, I've had a kid just be like you're ugly! And you're like I understand and then obviously you beat the living shit out of this child and then everything moves on.
MARCUS PARKS
My god, I'm so glad neither one of you have children. You're just talking constantly about beating children.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We would never beat him in real life because of all the fucking implications.
ED LARSON
I'm shaking them. I'm not beating them, I'm shaking them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Psychological.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Psychological warfare.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what you wanna do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you're slapping them like a hysterical...
MARCUS PARKS
But eventually though, as we'll see later, Breivik would drop any pretense of living in the outside world in favor of a custom made reality in which he was the savior of European purity. Now as far as his mother Wenche went, she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and could often be heard screaming at a four year old Anders that she wished he was dead. So that couldn't have helped either.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
But as a result, the center recommended that Anders be put into the foster care system so maybe someone could turn this kid around.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I've always heard the foster care system is really where kids go to blossom.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know how it is in Norway. In Norway I would imagine it's far better than the foster care system here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean who knows? I mean you're seeing the advantages of a truly liberal government.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is like but on the other hand, it is interesting, no matter how good people got it anywhere else or how any system works, there's always like... In 'The Kybalion' they talk about magical principles, about polarity. If there's one extreme, there's always gonna be the other extreme. So you have the most liberal, open-minded, socially-minded country in the world, like of course you're gonna have this like little enclave of absolute shithead Nazis in the center of it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well soon Breivik's father Jens heard about the center's recommendations and demanded emergency custody. But after a court determined that Anders was not in immediate physical danger, the request was denied. Maybe recognizing that she was a hair away from losing her son, Wenche began putting up solid fronts during social worker visits and Anders soon gave the appearance of being a pleasant, relaxed, and likable child. Therefore the case for putting Anders into foster care was also dropped.
ED LARSON
What's up with the sister at this point?
MARCUS PARKS
Sister doesn't get mentioned a lot really.
ED LARSON
Were they gonna take her too?
MARCUS PARKS
I think the sister sort of fades into the background a little.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually wonder if there was a conversation because a lot of this comes from the... I looked it up online, I couldn't find a lot about his sister. And I think the author probably had an agreement probably to not heavily feature what was going on with the sister at some point.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Probably because everybody that was associated with Anders Breivik wants nothing to do with him now obviously.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so it's because like the sister didn't ask for this.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But this is also probably one of those fucked up things where like a lot of times the problem child of the family sucks up all the psychological resources of the family. And then the poor other kids kind of get left to the side.
ED LARSON
Just on their own, raising themselves.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
With the Natalia Grace case, you kind of kind of see that where you're like those other kids kind of just rotted on the vine unfortunately because all of this malicious attention went to Natalia. Where like this was like, I mean I hate the word toxic but it's toxic.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But just a couple years later, something interesting happened to the Breivik family. When Anders was seven years old, a Chilean family seeking asylum from the brutal Pinochet regime moved into the apartment below. Now while one might think that this is the origin story of Breivik's later hatred of immigrants and refugees, that one of the Chileans bullied him or made him feel inadequate, the exact opposite occurred. The young Anders became close friends with the Chilean family's youngest daughter Eva and the two of them would play together, listen to pop music from America, Madonna, Prince, all that shit. Really it was Breivik's Norwegian peers that found him disgusting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I actually think that that's a feature, not a bug, with these types of haters. Because I think that they, like how do you put it? They did embrace him? He viewed himself as a fringe person or an outsider always, he's the ultimate outsider in his own mind. And so he commiserated with these other outsider groups and wanted to be a part of them. And it was as we'll see, he fucking blew it up each time, he was bad at it. And I think there's something about that there, there's almost like a revenge, there's like a subconscious revenge against these people that were the only people to open their arms to him. Like all these places he went, all these other like quote unquote "refugees", like literal refugees opened their like homes to him and connected with him. And there's something about after the fact of because he's a total homicidal maniac, it's like killing that guy too.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that when he becomes Anders Breivik manifesto Knight Templar Anders Breivik, it's essential, it's killing old him as well.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is connected to all of these people. The very people that were only the only people that were nice to him.
ED LARSON
Yeah. He wants to fit in so bad.
MARCUS PARKS
I think it's closer to that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he's empty.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He wants to impress, he wants the approval of the Norwegians. It's like he's protecting the Norwegians even though they hate him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's what he wants to be. That's who he wants to be, that's where he wants to belong.
ED LARSON
Yeah, he's ready to ditch these other people whenever.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well as we'll see.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're gonna do through a lot of this because he does it again and again and again.
MARCUS PARKS
Well his fellow countrymen later recalled an intense child who had an imagination not for play but for cruelty towards animals. In one case, Breivik kept rats in a cage just so he could poke them with pins. And he would bizarrely catch bumble bees just to drown them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fairly stereotypical serial killer behavior.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And while there are no specific stories, pet owners would warn their kids to keep their dogs and cats away from the Breivik boy. In addition to animal cruelty though, Breivik began making himself an all around public nuisance.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's like Steven Urkel if Steven Urkel was serious.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He'd wander through neighborhoods snapping the heads off flowers, he'd throw rocks into open windows, and he'd urinate into mailboxes and on doormats. As he got older though, his main targets were the mentally challenged and any kid who didn't speak Norwegian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, anybody lower on the rung.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. That's what LBJ said, if you could teach the lowest white man to hate, or put somebody else below him then you have them in your pocket. It's kind of like that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. Did LBJ say that?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe that is what LBJ said.
MARCUS PARKS
Really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I might be wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know, I'm just wondering.
ED LARSON
He said all kinds of awful things.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Huge cock.
ED LARSON
He was definitely wiping his ass when he said it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
In the worst example, Breivik attacked a boy from Eritrea, rolled him up in an old rug, and jumped up and down on the kid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Who's a burrito? You're a burrito!
ED LARSON
Oh my god. Man, Eritrea, Eritrea. It's fucking horrible.
MARCUS PARKS
Eritrea, it gets bad out there.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It is a very scary, scary place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Really?
ED LARSON
Yeah and this kid had to fucking deal with him when he got there.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I feel so bad for him. He finally got out.
MARCUS PARKS
And then you-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you meet Anders Breivik. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But interestingly, if he was caught and scolded by a woman, he'd take revenge with the aforementioned urination. But if he was reprimanded by a man, he'd show respect and cease his delinquent behavior.
ED LARSON
It's a mailbox, not a female box.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank you! But again I feel like that's my implication, it's like he puts it under this idea of like a patriarchy that he respects men. But I think it's just because he likes them a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
You think it's because he's gay? No, I don't think it's because he's gay that he does what men say.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's a projection of the uber man, like people that are misogynists, evil-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Andrew Tate style.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh certainly. I think it's just because he's a misogynist. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. But I think that in my mind, I know it's common, it's not just that homophobia means that you're gay on the inside and you don't want to tell anybody but there's just something to it. Like the idea of respecting a man so much, like the body and ideals and all that stuff of men and they fight and they grapple and they wash each other ina stream. And they go to war together and they hold each other for warmth in the cold. There's something about that that just seems a little cuddly.
ED LARSON
I think he's just a fucking pussy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, of course.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He's scared of men. I think if he loves anyone, it's himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh absolutely. He's an utter narcissist.
ED LARSON
I don't think he's actually turned on by anybody it seems like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He might not be.
MARCUS PARKS
When it came to role models though, Anders chose the oversized Fantastic Four villain Galactus, Galan of Taa-an himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh!
MARCUS PARKS
Whose trademark was consuming whole worlds for nourishment. That was Galactus' whole thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. That's his thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Galactus, the world eater.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's a hungry guy. Gonna be played very bravely in the new movie by Melissa McCarthy.
ED LARSON
Oh man, when the moon hits your eye it is a pizza pie.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (singing) That's Galactus!
MARCUS PARKS
In particular though, Anders loved Morg the executioner, who took over as the herald of Galactus after the Silver Surfer decided he could no longer do the job. As a result, Anders took the nickname of Morg when he actually began making friends in his early teens. Again, very interestingly, Breivik's crew was mostly made up of immigrant kids, including a Pakistani refugee named Ahmed whom Anders was quite close with. See when Oslo had a large influx of Pakistani refugees in the early 90s, Anders bullied Ahmed in particular until Ahmed fought back. After that, the two became friends and before long almost all of Anders friends were immigrant kids.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he had friends for a very short period of time.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
He had kids that followed him because they needed someone to talk to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I believe that they did... Because as a nerd, I feel like there needs obviously, I think that I need to remove nerd from Anders Breivik because I think it's an insult to nerds.
ED LARSON
Yeah. No, he didn't study shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did, unfortunately he did.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But there's something past nerd. But I know as a nerd as a child, the nerds did group for protection in a way. But like we were fun. You know what I mean? Like I had fun with all my nerd crew. Eventually yes, we were forced into a coalition but then we did enjoy the coalition when we got there. Because like it wasn't just nerds, it was like me, it was a couple of kids who didn't speak English very well, like a couple of kids that now you probably would say probably had autism. I was in that collective and it was fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean that's the only one we could be with.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it was nice.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean Anders was actually in the social strata above that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now at the high school that Anders and his friends attended, they had four cliques that every kid supposedly fit into. The majority were of course the so-called straights, just regular kids in polo shirts. Just fucking normal Norwegians.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We call them preppies.
MARCUS PARKS
Preppies, yeah. After that, you had the shaved heads, the ones who wore camouflage pants and black boots, sometimes flirted with neo-nazi beliefs while listening to metal.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you always flirt with neo-nazi beliefs. You know what I mean? There's always that, it's always a flirt. I don't know why. Why is it always that?
MARCUS PARKS
A flirting?
ED LARSON
Cause you gotta turn it on.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh okay. Nice uniform.
ED LARSON
Is that Boss?
MARCUS PARKS
But concerning metal, remember that this was Oslo in the early 90s, meaning that Breivik quite possibly was going to high school with some of the members of the Norwegian black metal scene that we covered so many years ago, the church burners, the murderers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need to get some kind of like high school of shitheads Norway cartoon where you have like Varg Vikernes and Euronymous, like all these guys like hanging out in one. It's black metal babies.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Anyone else think that that church looks very flammable?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Ooh, ja.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik was also in high school during the murder of Øystein Aarseth, AKA Euronymous, who died at the hands of the highly racist musician Varg Vikernes. Interestingly, when Breivik sent out his 1500 page manifesto years later, one of the recipients was who else but Varg, who had recently been released from prison.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he definitely was like (Nordic accent) too long, didn't read.
MARCUS PARKS
He released a statement. He's like (Nordic accent) I don't like this Anders Breivik, he's kind of stupid. I think he's stupid.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anders Breivik couldn't even get Varg Vikernes to like him. Can you imagine that? Varg Vikernes is more likable than you.
MARCUS PARKS
Varg's stupid fucking YouTube account. Let's find out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let's find out. Ugh. Pisses me off. I hate this fucking guy. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him so much.
MARCUS PARKS
But back in 1992, Anders Breivik was not one of the metal kids, nor was he a neo-nazi. Instead Anders was deep into the hip hop scene.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And he was one of the few white kids at his school to be a part of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah man, he got full on into rap.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean rap was huge in Europe. Like it got bigger there, it was bigger there than it was here for a long time.
ED LARSON
I've seen lots of racist people love hip hop. It's really weird. It always blows my mind every time.
MARCUS PARKS
Me too, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very interesting. But Anders Breivik went full on like, he was like what they call the rolling walk of the urban artist. Where he would like walk like a black guy, dress like a black guy, do the whole thing, like listen to big cans and shit, like big pants.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. What was even weirder is that he actually had good taste. I mean it's 1992.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Chronic doesn't come out until December of 1992. So at this point, it's mostly New York guys. And of course he was listening to, in 1992, KRS-One, DJ Marley Marl, probably Eric B & Rakim.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like fucking classics. But as a result of being into rap, Anders and his other friends got into hip hop culture. They would try to breakdance, they would try to rap themselves.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just, god...
ED LARSON
This is why usually I hate social media and so happy it didn't exist when we were kids, but it would have been great to see these little fucks like fall on their heads and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Trying to think they were cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Well think about, this is the level of nerdery where they broke it down, right, Anders Breivik broke down. It's like (Nordic accent) so it's hip and it's hop, right? So hip means I'm keeping up with all of the local shenanigans and all of the different vernaculars. And so like he would use Pakistani words and stuff like that, he'd throw something like what they called-
MARCUS PARKS
Slang. It's just slang.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Slang.
MARCUS PARKS
It's just Pakistani slang.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) But then there's also hop, where you learn how to move your body in a syncopated fashion in the most funky way. It's kind of like, you go like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And your shoulders go up and down. But my problem is I'm mostly just shrugging and sometimes it feels if my shoulders are getting attached to my earlobes. And I just simply cannot... And I start to cry. I cannot do this. The bass is too much.
ED LARSON
So now hop is when I skin a rabbit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (Nordic accent) Oof, unhop.
MARCUS PARKS
He couldn't breakdance, he couldn't do the head spin, couldn't do the back, he couldn't do any of the spins.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No because his head is the shape of a fucking pin.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And his voice was too high and soft to emulate the Bronx rappers that he somehow felt had similar life experience to his own.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) (rapping) A hip, a hip, a hippity hop and you don't stop rockin til the wigs come rocking. Is that what it is? There's so many words in fast succession and I don't know how they understand them all and they memorize them.
MARCUS PARKS
There were some European like rap guys out around that time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, there's Stinkerstein and you had fucking, yeah, Ronnie the Herring.
ED LARSON
Was Snow American?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Canadian.
ED LARSON
He was Canadian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
Thank god. I didn't wanna claim him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Nah, there was some fun stuff like (Nordic accent) (singing) we are going on a summer holiday, if you want to go, oh Sven. We're going to London and New York City and we bring a little piece of Amsterdam.
ED LARSON
Is this The Sound of Music?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, what is this? Yeah, I don't understand.
ED LARSON
That's rap?
MARCUS PARKS
It was European rap.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It sounds like a poem. It sounds like it's not good.
MARCUS PARKS
They weren't really that great now that I look back on it, yeah. Now that I'm singing it out loud.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's not good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah. (singing) We gonna ring reng a dong for a holiday.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's not what we brung, that's not what we did.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right? America did make things much cooler in that fashion.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, well we invented it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. America did. Well bereft of talent and body or voice, Anders and his friends formed a tagging crew, going by the names of Spock, Wick, and Morg, after the executioner. From there the crew haunted the city of Oslo by night, tagging buildings and bus stops. But in 1994, the Winter Olympics were coming to Lillehammer. So the city of Oslo cracked down on graffiti. So Anders and his friend Ahmed were arrested while tagging a bus station. But since they had no priors, they only had to wash buses for a couple of weeks as punishment. That was however strike one.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's really weird about how seriously they took graffiti as a crime.
ED LARSON
The whole world's coming! You gotta make the place look good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck it!
ED LARSON
It's Lillehammer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck the stupid fucking Olympics! Who cares? They're focused on the graffiti, how are they gonna bobsled? Like they need to be dialed into the game. I feel like that helps, it shows how strong your mental game is.
ED LARSON
There's nothing else for the cops to do.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's relatively safe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, it's very safe.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not like the Bronx at this time. This is Oslo 1992, it's fine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You mean to tell me Anders Breivik didn't understand, he actually didn't experience the same hardships as the urban centers of America during the 1980s and 90s?
ED LARSON
I mean washing a bus in the middle of winter has gotta be a fucking nightmare.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were used to it.
MARCUS PARKS
Pretty soon though, Anders was arrested again. Strike two. And as a result, his father Jens began to get highly annoyed with his son. And Jens slowly began to go no contact, mostly because he didn't really care about Anders in the first place and I think he was looking for a reason to disown him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He hated his son.
MARCUS PARKS
He hated him. Then for reasons unknown, Anders did the second worst thing a tagger can do. He painted over not only the tags of another tagger but the tags of two members of his own crew.
ED LARSON
Ugh.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No this guy, he's a true piece of shit. So this is going to be the running, the main running theme of Anders Breivik's life. So within the graffiti world, I don't know if it's always like this across all of them, but this is what the way they contextualized it in Norway was that they have what they call toys, which is what you're called when you start. So like you're supposed to go put in some face time in these various graffiti groups, you only get invited in, right? So somebody, because again it's highly illegal in Norway. So you get pulled into these like kind of cool fringe groups and largely you're supposed to show up and work your way up the ranks to king. King is what's considered the number one position in the graffiti tagging community. Which is like essentially toys, you're supposed to kind of go to places where it's on your own, places that you go and you just write your name, right, and then you start to expand. It turns into colored pieces, stuff like that. A king is the one that goes and does the big crazy, what they call going bombing rates, where you'd see it like up on a big high bridge or you'd see it on the side of a bulletin board. And it's a big thing. And so what they would say is that he decided that he wanted to jump to king because Anders Breivik believes, and this starts from him as a very young child right here, that he's the best, nobody understands that he's the best yet. And as soon as they see that he's the best, all of these communities, well established, are going to fall to their knees and thank him for being there. And they're gonna be like so excited that Anders Breivik is a part of their community. But then he decides to just act like he's in charge. And guess what a lot of people that are already in charge of a well established like group do and how they react to you acting like you're better than them? They don't like it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you get kicked out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Did they beat the shit out of him?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
no, they just kicked him out of the crew. They were like-
ED LARSON
You're too nice. If this was the Bronx, they would have fucked his ass up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is Norway.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so they were like (Nordic accent) we will frown. We will frown. But yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's just we're not friends with you anymore. That's the big thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So him being a toy and acting like a king is going to be the thing that he does again and again and again.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It's him playing by his own rules. It's like oh everybody needs to bow down to what Anders is doing because Anders is the smartest boy, the best boy out there and he knows what's best for everyone. He's a fascist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I'm such a destructive genius-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That everybody, I'm gonna blow the parameters open. Which is again why I'm not on Saturday Night Live.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I understood if they let me in there, they're gonna have to change the whole thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the whole thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's gonna become the Henry Zabowski Night Live.
MARCUS PARKS
It really is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I didn't want to do that to them.
MARCUS PARKS
Which we all appreciate you not destroying an American institution.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why I walked away.
ED LARSON
It would have had to have been on Friday if you were on it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They would have to be because they'd have to have their own show and then I'd have my own hour the night before.
MARCUS PARKS
And they tried that, it was a show called Fridays and it got canceled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Larry David. Kramer.
ED LARSON
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
Well for this, Anders was kicked out. But when he began tagging alone, he was soon arrested for bringing dozens of cans of spray paint back from Denmark because they were a quarter cheaper in Copenhagen than they were in Oslo.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's like a backseat driver thing because he was telling all these fucking guys, he was like (Nordic accent) you don't understand, the spraypaint is cheap in Copenhagen, we can go there and get it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they're all like but the problem is is that it makes you super vulnerable, which is how he was arrested both times was that he would go on the train as a moron teenager with these giant heavy duffel bags-
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Filled very obviously, if it's not spraypaint, it's explosives. It's just like this big fucking thing.
ED LARSON
(clinking)
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so he was immediately picked up both times because he's a fucking moron.
ED LARSON
I remember in Tallahassee they didn't have 40 ounces, they only had 32 ounces. So we had to drive to Georgia if we wanted to get some 40 ounces.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's exactly like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's exactly like that. That's how we lived our lives.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this arrest though was strike three for Anders. So to avoid any real jail time, he did the worst thing a tagger can do, he ratted out all his friends. Pretty soon all anyone could talk about at school was how Morg had squealed and he got nothing but shit until the day he graduated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As he should have.
MARCUS PARKS
While he spent much of his time isolated and lifting weights, kids ganged up on him, mocked him, and drew caricatures of him with an exaggeratingly large nose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Because I've never sent pictures of his original nose.
MARCUS PARKS
Because he got a fucking rhinoplasty like soon afterwards. But that's the thing is that you can see from pictures taken at his last hearing that his schnoz, it's actually growing back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's growing back? Yeah. It's rejecting, it's rejecting the change.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well if you look at his picture, yeah, he did sort of have a large nose.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But still, yeah, I mean he is a big nose freak. I hate this fucking guy.
ED LARSON
Yeah, knock him out. I hate that rhinoplasty is called rhinoplasty. I feel like that's mean.
MARCUS PARKS
Of course.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's like calling liposuction-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fatty sucky.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Unwhaling.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Have you been through your unwhaling yet?
MARCUS PARKS
Well Anders back in his high school years was savagely if inexpertly roasted in his high school yearbook.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh he is... Fuck him. Fuck him.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I'm not saying that he shouldn't be, it's inexpertly. The roasts are not the best.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But apparently yearbooks in Norway are far more aggressive than yearbooks in America.
ED LARSON
They're allowed to talk shit?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I guess so.
ED LARSON
That's amazing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean on his they were.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It wasn't just people writing in his yearbook?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
It was like in print?
MARCUS PARKS
This was in print. Yeah. They like roasted him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Anders used to be part of the gang but then he made enemies of everybody. Anders has staked it all out on getting a perfect body but we have to say he still got quite a way to go. Apart from that, Anders spends a lot of time in Denmark getting materials for his art. Anders often does stupid, unprovoked things such as hitting the head teacher." Which is true because he did smack his teacher as a little kid.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they all remembered it. There's something about being a snitch, obviously is a quality that nobody likes. But there's something too because like what he didn't understand, this is like an essential social thing that he, obviously he's got a lot of issues. But I feel like this is one of those like social misunderstandings he doesn't get which is like how you become a king in the graffiti world is to take your time. What they do in mafia, right? Going to college, right. You do your time. A lot of times that's how guys get made in the mafia.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is that you go to jail, you come back out, you don't say anything. Everybody's happy to see you. They set you up. Technically one of the number one ways to become a king in the graffiti world was to go to jail for your buddies and come out because how long would you be in jail for?
MARCUS PARKS
Six months, maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe.
ED LARSON
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You would come out and you would be-
MARCUS PARKS
In Norwegian jail.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which is like essentially-
MARCUS PARKS
The best jail in the world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They give you like pasta making classes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You go on a trampoline recess. Like there's a lot of shit in a Norwegian jail.
ED LARSON
They send you all your reading from school.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you go to school. He would have come out a king.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's very ironic. He's a moron.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the piece then ended, the piece in the yearbook then ended by saying that Anders was now a part of the much maligned fourth clique in school, the losers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Then to add insult to injury, Jens Breivik disowned his son because of his third arrest and the two never saw each other face to face ever again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I never agreed with an absentee father more before. He's right. Anders sucked.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean you could also make an argument that maybe if he wasn't an absentee father and did his job, that maybe Anders would have just become like a guy who ruins people's days on the regular.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Instead of like being a guy who like ruined a country for a long-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, destroyed the heart of an entire nation.
MARCUS PARKS
Devastated. Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, maybe, I guess. I don't know. I think Anders was special.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that you could see why he was a fucking shithead and everybody hated him.
ED LARSON
Some people just don't need to be on earth.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. He should have been in the abortion. That should have been a part of the liberal Norwegian government's incredible female health program. This is the result.
ED LARSON
This is a great advertisement for abortion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But perhaps because Breivik graduated high school at the bottom rung of the social ladder and was despised by all, he sought refuge in an arena where he probably thought people had to accept him. At the age of 18, Anders Breivik got into politics.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
MARCUS PARKS
He joined the youth-focused wing of Norway's ultra conservative Progress Party, which defined itself through principles of smaller government, less immigration, and a more restrictive welfare state.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is it with right wing politics? Maybe educate me. Why do all the losers go there? Like it is very interesting. I guess it's because like you get rejected from so many other groups that you just assume like well fascists have to like me.
MARCUS PARKS
Well I mean because at the end of the day, a lot of the people migrate towards the right wing because that's where they're told that it's not their fault that they're a loser, that it's somebody else's fault that they're a loser.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh. It's the state's fault.
MARCUS PARKS
It's the system's fault, it's somebody else. You should be a winner but somebody else has made you a loser.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's also exactly because then he's gonna get his validation of like technically I'm a white Norwegian man, the whole world should, every door here should be open for me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I should have a much easier time of doing anything than somebody that's from outside this country.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Everyone hates somebody who wants to be in charge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Because of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
And it's like I feel like if you're gonna become a politician, signatures of like 20 people saying they're your friend.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I wanna see it.
ED LARSON
I wanna see 20 people-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like on Tinder.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want to see a picture of you hanging out, I wanna see you at a trivia night, I want to see you on a rowing team.
ED LARSON
I don't care if they're cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, none.
ED LARSON
Just prove to me that anyone likes you.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I do believe our government should be like a scientist, a philosopher, a singer, a general, and that we put them all in one room and have them decide everything.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Breivik also gave to his vanity and began declaring himself to be a metrosexual, which is a term our younger listeners may be unfamiliar with.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It was big in the early 2000s. It was something in which straight men unapologetically paid as much attention to makeup and clothes as a woman or a stereotypically gay man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it was continuing to sort of make fun of people who take care of themselves. But metrosexuality was different for him because he really put, he went deep in.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. Started wearing makeup, bought really nice clothes, he would use Rogaine for his rapidly receding hairline. He lost that battle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Rogaine is also like... I tried it for a while and it's so gross.
ED LARSON
It's sticky goop, right?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's just a liquid-
MARCUS PARKS
Doesn't that make you just feel bad too? right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's liquid that goes on your head. No, it didn't make me feel bad.
ED LARSON
It makes you feel bad because you're doing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it stained my hats and stained the pillowcases.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And it doesn't it also like abort-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Immediately sterilizes a woman if she touches it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it aborts babies. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Which honestly the best part about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But the rest of it's bad. But it was like he put on concealer. Now these guys, like in Norway, even the guys he was hanging out with, it feels like there is a real machismo streak in some of these Scandinavian countries.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he's putting on full makeup like he's fucking John Stamos. And they zero in on this and of course he's very like (Nordic accent) it is not makeup, it is concealer.
ED LARSON
I am naturally tan!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I am naturally tan. Because he used to put bronzing powder on every winter, he used to bronze himself up like one of our favorite presidents. He was always right ahead of the curve.
MARCUS PARKS
And finally he topped it off by getting cosmetic surgery on his nose, chin, and forehead, which created the unsettling, expressionless potato face that we've come to know over the years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's absolutely a potato face.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I mean more upside down squash also maybe kinda thing.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, I can see that too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Albino peanut.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Definitely vegetable. A tuber.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He's definitely a tuber.
ED LARSON
All those surgeries, man. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
You know what I'm saying?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you could make chicken shit salad.
ED LARSON
Dude looks like his own dick pic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does. Yeah, he does look like the top of a fucking Scandinavian uncut penis.
ED LARSON
It's like Smee if he worked out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Hot bodied Smee is actually, I can see that popping up on Tumblr.
ED LARSON
That could be your thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's me!
MARCUS PARKS
That really could be your thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's me.
MARCUS PARKS
Now at first Breivik seemed to be successful in his reinvention. He became a popular member of the Progress Party, he learned how to smile, and in the work realm-
ED LARSON
(creaking) Got it.
MARCUS PARKS
And in the work realm, he became a relatively successful telemarketer. But eventually Breivik's trademark overconfidence in his own abilities tripped him up. He left his steady telemarketing gig to try his hand at a number of unsuccessful business ventures, including a mobile advertising business that nearly killed someone.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, it's this example of like, I don't know how to put it. He's a toy acting like a king. Every single time he enters into a new sphere, it kind of works for a second.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It always, every time he arrives somewhere, everyone's like yeah, Anders, he's all right, I like that guy. And then it just-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the mask.
MARCUS PARKS
And then it falls apart.
ED LARSON
Hours later.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Literally. And then he joins in these businesses and he becomes obsessed with becoming a millionaire. Like that's his new thing. Because that's why he's in the Progress Party ostensibly to begin with, which is this idea of... Because it starts light. Because at first he's kind of apologetic, he says stuff like, or conciliatory. Where like not everyone in Islam is bad. Not every refugee is bad but there's side effects to their religion and what they do, right. That's one side. And then the other side was like it was really more so oh in Norway they hate millionaires. They don't want us to make money like they do in America, because he looked up to American conservative writers and this concept of unfettered capitalism. He was just like we should be able to be allowed to be super rich in this country.
ED LARSON
They get free college!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They do, that's the whole point. That's why it worked out. Also there's plenty of rich people in Norway, it's very expensive. But again, there's something about this that was like you can't just be good in business, he has to quote unquote "outsmart" everybody.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He has to undercut people. Every single thing has to be like a scheme and a fucking heist. I don't get it. Where it's like you can-
MARCUS PARKS
And get rich quick. It's all get rich quick.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's all get rich quick. He's just obsessed with this like wanting to cut line and I think that's a part of it is a concept of like I should be able to cut line. I am a quote unquote "straight" white Norwegian man.
MARCUS PARKS
Not only that, not only should I be able to but I deserve to.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I'm a genius and nobody understands me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'm the one that's supposed to be able to cut the line. In fact, the line shouldn't exist for me at all.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And that's again, that's why I'm not on this, I never wrote for The Simpsons.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because I never wanted to get in there and I didn't want to disrupt that. They've been working for decades in there and I don't want, again because I don't want it to become the Henry Zebrowskimpson's. Which is why I don't want to do this to people. I don't put that on people.
ED LARSON
Now I don't like to backtrack at all but can I ask a question?
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
How did his advertising company almost kill somebody? That makes no sense to me.
MARCUS PARKS
I was about to get into that.
ED LARSON
Okay good.
MARCUS PARKS
He planned to take unemployed academics and make them cycle around the city with an advertisement placard fixed to a trailer. It's not unlike a scheme Kramer and Newman tried in an episode of Seinfeld.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's very Seinfeld.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik's prototype however was badly built and the advertising placard blew over on the first day and almost killed a woman.
ED LARSON
Oh jeez.
MARCUS PARKS
This huge gigantic placard just boom, probably in the Norwegian fucking winter.
ED LARSON
Fucking moron.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he did it cheap. But it was also pointed because he specifically wanted academics to do it. Because he already had this sort of like implicit bitterness and anger towards people that did more things than him or have achieved more things than him. And he was always being like (Nordic accent) it was good for these academics to have a day job to work on. It was like a weird thing where you're like oh you're trying to punish quote unquote "smart guys" with a menial job.
MARCUS PARKS
But speaking of women, Anders had not surprisingly no luck with the ladies. Like many men who haunt the extreme right fringes, Breivik complained that Norwegian women were too liberated and none of them would make the good housewife that Breivik wanted. So he went the way of the mail order bride and purchased contact details for 10 Ukrainian women in December of 2004.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Which his boys obviously made the living fucking fun out of him, they roasted him to the end endlessly.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they're like Norwegian women are everywhere. Like you're literally gonna be with one at any point. Because he was young.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was like 18, 19 when he was doing this.
ED LARSON
And they're like famously the hottest.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Norwegian women. Scandinavian women.
ED LARSON
Yeah, the Swedish bikini team.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I guess. It's so cold. Why would they have it there?
ED LARSON
I don't know. They're growing them strong.
MARCUS PARKS
Well by 2005, Anders had settled on the most stereotypical Eastern European mail order bride possible, a woman from Minsk named Natascha. She was real, she did exist. And even though there was an initial spark, the couple soon hit the 90 Day Fiance problem which is that they got to know each other beyond infantile communications on messenger programs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
After Natascha visited Anders in Oslo for an extended period, she was soon calling him a chauvinist and he was calling her a gold digger.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bet you they didn't even kiss.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe not.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like he's maybe done four kisses in his life.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
And three of them were his mother.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
The other was the weekend parents.
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) This one time! One time.
ED LARSON
So did he have money?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he was fairly successful.
ED LARSON
Wenche, his mom had money or...?
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no. He didn't grow up rich or anything like that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that was one of the things, he grew up in a fancy neighborhood because his diplomat father kind of paid for things but they had no money.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he always kind of felt like-
ED LARSON
The slums of Beverly Hills.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Gotcha.
MARCUS PARKS
Soon after, Anders bought Natascha her plane ticket home and Breivik thought that his dreams of love were through. I'm never gonna be with a woman ever. But as he invested more time into the Progress Party, he fell in love with a fellow conservative named Lene Langemyr.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I still will say love, I would not call it love. I would say he viewed, I don't think he experiences a human emotion. I think that he-
ED LARSON
Tolerates.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that he viewed her as useful to him.
MARCUS PARKS
Like we can be good partners together.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We're good partners.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because she was also very interesting because she was a dark-skinned woman from outside who was a conservative.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in the years since high school, Anders Breivik had cultivated a strong hatred for Islam, although it's hard to really pinpoint the exact reason behind his Islamophobia, especially when you consider that his first real friends were Muslim immigrants.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's in the manifesto technically where it talks about how like if family from Norway in the 1950s visited now... It's all the same things you see on Fox News.
MARCUS PARKS
It's also abstract.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Because it's fake, it's made up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's right before the recipe for chocolate chip cookies.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Honestly because I didn't need the 1000 pages before that. And that has been my criticism about recipe websites from the very beginning.
MARCUS PARKS
Now as we said earlier, Anders Breivik was a racist child which almost always stems from racism at home. But while he seemed to get over it or at least hide it in high school, it may have come raging back after he was kicked out of his crew, which was made up of immigrants. This hatred might have been amplified after he ratted out his immigrant friends because it was for this reason that Breivik was thoroughly shunned. But from what it seems, his Islamophobia was solidified during his relationship with Lene Langemyr and his time with the Progress Party.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what it is. Lene Langemyr did grow up in Norway and that's why he liked her, right, the idea that because she was dark-skinned. But she is an ardent conservative to this day.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And has severely downplayed her relationship with Anders Breivik up to this point. But they definitely were like boyfriend and girlfriend for like a year, whatever they were.
ED LARSON
She's the only person that's had a relationship with him it seems like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Basically. But yeah, she doesn't advertise it a lot.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
She's the mayor of Grimstad.
ED LARSON
You mean she doesn't bring that up? Is she really a mayor?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
What?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Deputy mayor.
MARCUS PARKS
Deputy mayor, that's...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, for Anders Breivik... Anybody who's seen Anders Breivik's penis on purpose-
ED LARSON
Debatable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean?
ED LARSON
Debatable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Who knows?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, debatable.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just saying saw.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he washed once.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
See the Progress Party was a deeply Islamophobic organization. And Lene Langemyr was among the most ardent racists in an already racist organization. Together, Lene and Anders formed an echo chamber in which Lene would rant about Muslims and Anders would lecture her on what else but Ayn Rand novels.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(gagging)
MARCUS PARKS
On top of everything else, he's a fucking Ayn Rand fan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(gagging) It's just this shit too of like-
MARCUS PARKS
Well they're just the most tedious, infuriating couple on earth. Like you couldn't imagine being stuck on a fucking double date with these people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What is with, like I understand, I do know I can't even say this anymore, I know that technically politics are supposed to be like interesting, right? Like people are supposed to hang out and it's supposed to be like... But I've never understood this sort of like, so you guys hang out, all you do all day long is talk about how there are too many Islamic people in the country. And it's literally how you guys hang out. And you talk about conservative politics and conservative screeds and you read all these like dumb shit long form political garbage manifestos that you're just into. And it's just like why? Why?
ED LARSON
Because they finally found a person that kind of agrees with them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. But then yeah, it's just like-
ED LARSON
Because no one else wants to fucking hear it, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. Because they would say, they would let Anders Breivik, like his friends at the time would let him drone on about his conservative politics but eventually at some point they're just like just shut up, dude.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Just stop talking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just shut the living fuck up.
MARCUS PARKS
And at the end of the day, there were a lot of female nazis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There was.
MARCUS PARKS
There were a lot of female nazis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because they're all pick-me nazis. They're literally like now I'm special, I get to go right to the top of the class.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. They get together, people get together and talk about shit no matter how fucking awful it is. You're gonna find somebody out there who's into it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh no, I downloaded, I was at the Rated R speakeasy last night in Glendale and I gave someone a lot of information about Anders Breivik. And I talked about Anders Breivik and I talked about Richard Ramirez and the cult he was forming from behind bars. And I got on a long thing about John Wayne Gacy's father. And then I realized I as talking and they were just looking. It's just me talking and I was like oh we should go, there's like a sexy circus woman here, we should of look at that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well pretty soon Anders and Lene gained membership at the Oslo Pistol Club. And while Lene was already a pretty good shot from her time in the military, mandatory in Norway, Anders had to start from scratch because this portrait of patriotism had never even served. See Anders had been ruled exempt from military service because he'd been registered as his mother's caregiver after she'd supposedly contracted such a serious case of genital herpes that a drain had to be inserted into her head to suck out the pus.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Think about this. He couldn't go serve in his beloved Norwegian military. He couldn't go.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he had to go and drain his mother's fuck sores. That is the ultimate-
MARCUS PARKS
From her head!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
From her head.
ED LARSON
Man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It had traveled, they had jumped from her vagina up to her face. And he couldn't go to war because those fuck sores were so full they had to be drained by her son.
ED LARSON
Oh man.
MARCUS PARKS
But predictably the romantic feelings between Anders and Lene began to cool after Lene was tapped as a possible candidate for office by the Progress Party, while Anders didn't even make the list.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That whole story is very interesting too because it was very much like she kind of liked him and he worshiped her or believed he worshiped her. And then she was immediately like a superstar.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like immediately a political superstar. And the writing on the wall was like they wouldn't even look at his application. She showed up like every day in these suits and he wrote this like big, obviously as we can see, quite prolific personal essay. And they were literally like, they wouldn't even read it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like again, he just thought that everyone was gonna just flip out. Like he's gonna be the new white nationalist Barack Obama. And he just wasn't.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean by this point Anders had begun his slow descent into the internet. While Lene knew how to be a politician by networking, getting to know the right people, playing the game, Anders spent most of his time on the Progress Party online forums, arguing with people in posts peppered with emojis and exclamation points. As a result, he was never considered to be a serious member of the party and when he was passed over, he went again to the message boards to complain that those who gained power were not the most competent people, people like him-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like him!
MARCUS PARKS
But the ones who were the best at networking, people like Lene.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But at first he was writing about how, he was doing the well you see to be a politician, you must have public skills, policy skills. Lecturing a bunch of people on a bunch of shit he has no idea what in the living fuck he's talking about.
MARCUS PARKS
But just on online forums.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Remember when you read something in an online forum who writes it sometimes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But as soon as he's passed over, of course these fucking idiots, they don't understand. So before he's talking all confident and telling everybody the skills you need to have and then when he doesn't have the skills that you need to have, it's all like that's fucking stupid, it's fucking stupid.
MARCUS PARKS
Well by the summer of 2003, Anders posted for the last time on the Progress Party message boards to write that there was gonna be a civil war once Muslims were the majority in Norway.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where have we heard that?
MARCUS PARKS
He soon after abandoning the party, broke up with Lene, and became even more isolated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He didn't even try twice. That's the thing is that like-
MARCUS PARKS
He never tried anything twice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You gotta put your, I just want to remind that to people all the time because we do have frustrated people, I have people message me all the time wanting to get into stuff, wanting to do the entertainment business or getting into podcasting and stuff. And it's like unfortunately you have to keep showing up until someone tells you to leave. Like that's the thing. You have to keep showing up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You have to keep trying, you have to apply again. You have to look, rejudge what you've done, pivot, and do something else.
MARCUS PARKS
Work on it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Work on it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you gotta work on it. You can't just keep applying and banging your head and doing the same thing over and over and over again. You gotta fucking work on it and then try again.
ED LARSON
Right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nobody's going to roll out a red carpet for you unless you are Dakota Johnson. They're not gonna do it.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You're Eddie Murphy or it takes a decade.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's it, that's how it is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But before-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're not Eddie Murphy.
ED LARSON
No, no, no.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm sorry, if you're listening right now, you're not Eddie Murphy.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
None of us are. You know what I mean? Because you'd be too busy, you'd be extremely busy.
MARCUS PARKS
But before Breivik disappeared entirely up his own ass, he gave one more shot at a get rich quick scheme that actually worked, although it was entirely unethical and entirely internet- based. In the fall before he quit the Progress Party, Anders Breivik created a service called diplomaservices.com which for the price of $100 or $295 for the deluxe package, one could obtain high-quality, fake diplomas from the institute of their choosing. These were of course sold as decorative diplomas to avoid charges of fraud.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he acted like he was so fucking clever thinking of this decorative diplomas thing.
MARCUS PARKS
He made a lot of money doing it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it did run out fast because legitimate-
MARCUS PARKS
After like five years.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But in America, they were already declaring this illegal and coming for him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was quick. He spent a lot of that time being pursued.
ED LARSON
Oh my god. You try and steal money from universities.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they figure it out. That's who they sent to kill fucking Jeffrey Epstein. That's who it was, it was Harvard.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Hired by Harvard.
MARCUS PARKS
Using a young man in Indonesia that Anders paid $700 a month, the service could provide diplomas for medical schools, doctorates, engineering qualifications, and prize certificates. And he made hundreds of these a month and made a lot of money doing it.
ED LARSON
I bet people still have jobs from this shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Well because ostensibly it's supposed to be if you lost your diploma in a move or it got destroyed, that's like what you're supposed to do, you get it replaced by one of these services. Which is I don't think that's legal.
ED LARSON
You call the college, you say print me a fucking copy!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But he would say that as long as they didn't put the official stamp on the diploma, then it was fine. It was for novelty purposes only. But after three years, the orders for fake diplomas became too much for Breivik's man in Indonesia to handle. So Breivik hired an art student named Mads Madsen to double check the work and fix the numerous mistakes the man in Indonesia was making. Shit was going out with like Harbord.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
MARCUS PARKS
Yule.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. So you went to Christmas University?
ED LARSON
Jingle bells, baby.
MARCUS PARKS
But in the summer of 2005, Madsen got bored and quit. And it's assumed that Breivik shut down his website soon after because the Justice Department was investigating the legality of fake diploma mills. But while Breivik had given up on making headway in politics, he still wanted power, and it just so happened that his mother's second cousin, Jan Behring, was a member of the Freemasons.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he had some idea, a very antiquated idea of the Freemasons.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause it's like we view it as, obviously in my mind I'm like with the illuminati and shit like that. But let's say that the Freemasonry like stature has lowered since the beginnings of the Bavarian Illuminati.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Since Prescott Bush, it's gone down a bit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's where old men go to pray and blow each other. And so he was thinking in his head the Freemasons are gonna get me into the circles of the elite.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, the super secret places where the white men truly ruled.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
He was probably just in it for the spankings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he didn't know that there were spankings because you don't know. And most of the time you're getting blindfolded, you don't know the spanking.
MARCUS PARKS
Problem was Jans and Anders had never met. But that all changed during the Christmas holiday of 2005. But Jans was highly reluctant to sponsor Anders as a member of the Freemasons because, well, Anders was Anders. Eventually though Jans did agree to sponsor Anders as a member of the Freemasons. But the master of Jans' lodge told Anders after a tour of their local headquarters that his membership would quote "take some time".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So this is the thing is that... But weirdly though everybody kind of helped him. He went to his second cousin who was like (Nordic accent) I'll see what I can do. And so then the head of the Freemasons like sat him down-
MARCUS PARKS
Well the head of a local lodge.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the local lodge where he was trying to go to. Like because normally there's a bunch of processes, you're supposed to have like two people vouch for you and then two people from the inside also like be your mentor.
ED LARSON
You gotta ask to join three times before anyone's allowed to... Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like a thing you have to do. But technically yeah, it took a long time, but still he kind of fast tracked his application because he liked the second cousin. He's like, this is just an example of it was another group of people saying like okay, we'll open ourselves to you. This actually is white privilege. You literally are experiencing it and then he blew it up.
MARCUS PARKS
But he didn't get in immediately. It took like a year for him to get in.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
As it should!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
They're all criminals! They're gonna screen his ass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a secret society where they have sex with each other.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But he saw that, because he didn't get it immediately, he saw that as being rejected again. And so he retreated again into the internet where he would find one of the most seductive online escapes in history.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) A perfect world. The only world that makes sense where finally orcs are cool.
MARCUS PARKS
He looks like an orc.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does.
MARCUS PARKS
He looks so much like an orc.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa.
MARCUS PARKS
You just give him the bottom tusks and that's a fucking orc.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's Orc from Mork.
ED LARSON
Just dipped in glue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The year was 2006. And just a couple of years before, Blizzard Entertainment had unleashed a pox upon the world called World of Warcraft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
And once Anders fell into the fantasy, it was a long time before he poked his head back out to take a look at the real world.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't blame video games for anything.
MARCUS PARKS
No! No, no, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I'm close on this one. I'm a little close.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
I mean how many fucking horrible people has World of Warcraft kept from like running for sheriff?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's true. But it's also, it really has ruined a lot of people's lives.
MARCUS PARKS
It's ruined a lot of people's lives.
ED LARSON
So has lots of games.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know but there's something about the structure, that's what they talk about is that it's the structure of World of Warcraft. There's so much stuff in there. Like it's really easy to lose yourself.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it really is. No, it's designed with the same-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
To suck you in.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
To suck you in. It's the same as social media. It uses the same sorts of techniques to like bring you back and make sure that you're always there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I also know that World of Warcraft has created a social environment for a lot of people that wouldn't normally have one.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure. Which is great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I'm not besmirching that, I'm mostly joking but still. It's Anders Breivik.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in World of Warcraft, the most popular massive multiplayer online RPG in history, Breivik played as a human mage under the name Andersnordic. And he found that the routine of WoW, World of Warcraft, WoW, kept him busy and calmed him down. Because the thing about WoW is that it does not reward casual players.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, buddy. So don't even think about it, Eddie.
ED LARSON
I don't want to pop in for an hour.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't even fucking... No. No! Because you're not a real gamer unless you are there for five or six hours.
ED LARSON
Now what is a mage?
MARCUS PARKS
A mage is a magic user.
ED LARSON
Okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a wizard but I believe a mage is... What is actually the difference between a sorcerer and a mage?
ED LARSON
Sorcerers sound cool?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
How am I gonna do it? I got laid last night. Knowledge left me.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh cool. Oh how cool are you? Got laid last night. I went to speakeasy and got laid, look at how cool I am now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I had the exact opposite evening that Anders Breivik has ever had.
ED LARSON
Yeah. It was Valentine's Day, it was scheduled sex.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You can't brag about it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, what are you talking about? Scheduled sex gets derailed all the time, my friend.
MARCUS PARKS
See if you really want to get anywhere in World of Warcraft, you have to log in and play every day like it's your job. You also have to team up with other players to go on raids and if you want to get really serious with it, you gotta join a guild of other players who would band together to defeat high-level challenges. Now at first Anders joined a guild but he was one of the quiet guys, didn't say much. But he soon became known as an affable, talkative fellow who was known for his cheerfulness. In fact, some players called him "a tonic to depression". That was an actual quote.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how sad they were.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's how sad. They're like oh a wizard is a more learned mage.
MARCUS PARKS
But in real life, Anders embodied the very spirit of depression. He lived with his mother, he spent 16-17 hours a day playing World of Warcraft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A day.
ED LARSON
God. He's just cooking his balls.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And rarely left his gaming room, which he himself dubbed the fart room, which as I said, Norwegian, fartsrom.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And that's the funniest thing he's ever said.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's the only thing he said that was funny ever.
MARCUS PARKS
Except I can imagine he said it over and over and over again until it wasn't funny anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yes. Very much so.
ED LARSON
Just disgusting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it probably did smell like farts. And they also talked about the view from his place, like it looked out onto this sort of Scandinavian prison yard style housing that he lived in.
MARCUS PARKS
Brutalist architecture, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Brutalist architecture. And then he'd just like... There's just something about it.
ED LARSON
I mean he probably didn't see shit. If he's in a basement, they got those windows that are up top-
MARCUS PARKS
Oh no, he's not in a basement. You just assumed he was in a basement.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. He's like on the second floor. I'm not supposed to come after people who live like this because people get upset. But how do you expect to get better or do anything in this life if you're sitting and playing a video game for 15 or 16 hours a day? Like he's like in his late 20s. Like he just, he rotted himself to death.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I think 15 hours a month is like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well I don't need like 15 hours a week. I would even say is like-
MARCUS PARKS
A week? 15 hours a week is great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's a hobby.
MARCUS PARKS
I'd say I play video games sometimes 10-15 hours a week, depending.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, people play even every day, I don't care. I'm not anti video game. But just this concept of... It's not good.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's not good at all. Eventually though he earned the title of Justa Tiarius and became the leader of a guild called Virtue.
ED LARSON
The Lollipop Guild.
MARCUS PARKS
His guild was called Virtue. Justa Tiarius, Virtue, these are all like right wing dog whistles.
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he demanded that every guild member be present for mandatory raids every night from 7-11 pm. But finally in February of 2007, after he'd spent a year in the fart room-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A year. Like a solid year in his room.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Anders finally got a letter from the Freemasons telling him that he'd been accepted into the St. John Lodge. Now Anders of course turned off everyone at his first meeting by immediately asking how he could acquire wealth and power and what his responsibilities were as a knight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
His sponsors meanwhile were just there to hang out at the club and they did not have any interest in answering this off-putting young man's questions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well what he did was that he, again, straight to how do I get to the giant circles of power?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like literally how do I get to -
MARCUS PARKS
First day.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where's the fool like lord here, like who can I get in? And they're like this is all about improvement of the self.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is an inward search. And he's just like yeah, I'm already up my ass though. And so like I've already done quite the inward search. But they're like no. And then he went through like technically you the initiatory ceremony of the Freemasons. If you're a nerd, it's kind of like Scientology or Mormonism where it's like kind of fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like you go in a super secret room, they blindfold you, you gotta talk to this guy, he's got a cape on and a big hat.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You go into another place, they put you in another room, you ask these questions three, you do all this kind of shit. Which actually like again, for a nerd, you'd think you'd be like cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's a secret. But then it turns out he was like bored by it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because it wasn't World of Warcraft.
ED LARSON
Imagine if he like got in and like climbed the ranks and then he was like initiating people. What a disaster that would have fucking turned into.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or it would have been a direction in his fucking life.
MARCUS PARKS
Who knows?
ED LARSON
He should have tried to become a cop.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No!
MARCUS PARKS
No!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God.
ED LARSON
But he's got like cop attitude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, I know. That's the problem!
MARCUS PARKS
That's the problem is that these guys become cops.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You don't want him to become a cop.
ED LARSON
I don't want him to become a cop. I'm just trying to think of anything to make him not kill all these people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A chef.
MARCUS PARKS
A chef, yeah. Because chefs are out of their fucking minds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you do nice things.
MARCUS PARKS
Megalomaniacs.
ED LARSON
Up their own ass.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Sure. Make him a chef. Well after Anders was made a brother of the first degree in the formal ceremony which bored him, he only attended one more meeting the following year in which he only complained about how slow it was to move up the ranks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) In World of Warcraft I did it very fast. Because in his mind, World of Warcraft was a perfect society.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well I mean he's just grinding and leveling up. There's nothing-
ED LARSON
It's the only time he worked hard his whole fucking life.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not even working hard. He's just a grinder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, it's not. It's World of Warcraft, it's not a fucking... I know to some people it is a job but it's not though. It's a video game.
ED LARSON
Well I'll take your word for it.
MARCUS PARKS
I would imagine he's the type of player who grinds and grinds and grinds his XP until he gets to a level in which it's very easy to-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's overpowered.
MARCUS PARKS
He's overpowering everything. I would imagine that's the type of player he is. Yeah, where he doesn't actually do any skill, it's just repetition until... It's like people who cheat in PVP, where it's like what the fuck are you doing? It's one on one. Why are you fucking using your bullshit on me when I'm trying to go in and have fun and you're just coming in and cheating all the fucking time. What's the point? It's Elden Ring, it's supposed to be fun!
ED LARSON
So you've played before.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Marcus, it's me, Carolina. I hear you yelling again.
MARCUS PARKS
No, Carolina is sitting right next to me on the couch. She's doing her crosswords, I'm playing Elden Ring. It's a wonderful way to fucking live life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I do think she's putting the noise counseling on just because it's like he likes to yell at his men.
MARCUS PARKS
Why are you so intent on portraying Carolina as this poor put upon woman?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause I'm-
MARCUS PARKS
She loves me!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I gotta get outta here.
MARCUS PARKS
But around that same time, as it always happens with Anders, his rejection caused a significant change in attitude.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Because-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He wasn't even rejected.
MARCUS PARKS
Well Breivik's cousin just stopped inviting him to meetings.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because he was blowing them off. He called in all his fucking Freemason favors to get your ass in the Freemasons.
MARCUS PARKS
But in Anders' mind, he was supposed to be allowed to blow it off.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course.
MARCUS PARKS
He was supposed to be brought in and then he just eventually stopped getting calls. And where before he was the so-called tonic to depression for his fellow WoW players, he was now rude and aggressive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was the tonic of depression.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. Eventually he left his guild and joined another. But all they did was make fun of him and make fun of his stupid username, Andersnordic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because he put his name, his real name and his location in his internet identity.
ED LARSON
It's fantasy!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Anything, choose anything!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you could be like Lord Claxor from Nagarthian.
ED LARSON
Yeah, Frank's more creative.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Yeah, I usually use Borax in my fantasy games.
ED LARSON
Ooh, that's fun.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Gorax?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Borax is one that I use. Goronia is usually what I use for the female characters.
ED LARSON
Borax makes Gak. I remember.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Gak's pretty good too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In Baldur's Gate I was Fart. It was just one name, Fart.
ED LARSON
I remember in, what was it? In Chess with Friends I was BlowYourDad56.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Very good. Very good.
MARCUS PARKS
Now that's great.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, and in the spirit of true competition. Ah yes.
ED LARSON
I always thought it'd be great to beat someone and just be like ah yeah, I blew your dad too.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I'm sucking your father, I'm ruining your family.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. I'm a man.
MARCUS PARKS
But the thing about Breivik's World of Warcraft phase was that it wasn't just a year or two, whether he was the leader of a guild or a follower, this was Breivik's life for five years from 2006-2011.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's really like, in that way obviously we see where it led to. But it's kind of frightening. Like I have-
MARCUS PARKS
That you can just fall into that for five years?
ED LARSON
Longer than college.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just gone.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just gone. Like he was gone for five years. And then in there he became fucking what he became.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, I had friends that, the big one when I was in college before World of Warcraft was Everquest. And I have friends that, it was the first MMORPG, it was before World of Warcraft. Yeah, I had friends, I had two or three friends fail out of college because of Everquest.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God.
MARCUS PARKS
And just fucking... And you know where they ended up? Iraq.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What, selling hot dogs or...?
ED LARSON
I think hot dogs are illegal over there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On tour with the USO?
MARCUS PARKS
No, suffering from PTSD.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because I went to college from the years 2001-2006.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But that being said, the more social bridges he burned in his fantasy world, the more time he spent on extremist right wing websites and message boards. Particularly, Anders focused on texts that were obsessed with the so-called Islamization of Europe. This is also known as the Eurabia theory in which it said that Muslims are actively working to replace Europeans in European countries with the help of left wing politicians.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now isn't it based off of one battle in the Crusades that they use as an example? Like there was something I remember that we talked about how... I was reading something, I forget what it's called. But there was one battle where it was basically one of the big tenants in the manifesto is that the crusades were defensive, not offensive.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the Crusades are episode two.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, we'll get to that.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But this concept of they use that as the first example of the Muslims have always been trying to take over Europe.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well these ideas were spread through horribly written books and blog posts that rival even the most sane 9/11 conspiracy tomes in terms of incomprehensibility. You never want to read the most dangerous secret.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so bad. The most dangerous secret, we'll get to. Oh, you'll see. But that is fucking another one where I'm like my eyes want to fall out of my fucking head.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It therefore might not come as a surprise that their overly simplified yet still extremely convoluted claims are utter horseshit. But while these right wing writers are insisting that Europeans are being replaced, Muslims only make up 5% of the entire European population and that number is expected to rise to 8% by, wait for it-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What? What? When?
MARCUS PARKS
2050!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My god!
ED LARSON
That's when they empty the prisons.
MARCUS PARKS
Moreover, Breivik's precious Norway isn't even in the top five for refugees or immigrants. Really, influxes of Islamic immigrants in Europe are a sort of optical illusion because Muslim immigrants, like a lot of immigrant populations, they concentrate in certain cities and certain districts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or they put them in certain cities and certain districts.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
England's population, for example, is 6.3% Muslim. But 37% of those Muslims live in London.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cause it's London.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Therefore if you go to London, you'll see a fair amount of Muslims. But they by no means make up a countrywide invasion force.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Again, we've driven across the UK twice. And I tell you what, it's a lot of white people.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I didn't really see a heck of a lot. I felt urban in a lot of places.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. When we were there last Christmas visiting family, like London, yeah, very diverse. Oxford, very white.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Not quite so diverse. Norway is of course very similar. Even today, as of 2023, Muslims make up a paltry 3.3% of the Norwegian population.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're coming for our kids!
MARCUS PARKS
It's less than 200,000 people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But 55% of those people live in Oslo and Viken. And Oslo was where Anders Breivik lived. Lastly, it's not like all these Muslims come from some mysterious Muslim land where they all get along.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly Muslimland, if you're gonna go, get the fast pass.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so difficult to see everything.
MARCUS PARKS
They come from a variety of countries, cultures, and sects that in some cases fucking despise each other.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And it's these differences that sometimes cause wars in the Middle East that create the very refugees that are immigrating to European countries.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Now if you could, you were gonna do your explanation of the Middle East.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So if you could...
ED LARSON
Where did it go wrong, Marcus?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What happened now?
ED LARSON
Was it Jesus?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My thing is what are we gonna do about it?
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's episode two.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh great, yeah. Where we wrap it up?
MARCUS PARKS
We'll wrap it up and I'll really wrap up the whole Middle East thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In my mind it's like the Jets and the Sharks-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are like the Shiites. The other guys, and then there is somebody else in there. And Mohammad comes in.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the point is there's not a monoculture here. It's not like all Muslims are the same and they're all working together in some massive conspiracy to take over Europe.
ED LARSON
They're there because another Muslim fucking-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Started it there. Yeah, yeah, that's where they are.
MARCUS PARKS
Or because America may have came in and fucked up their country.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No! Restructured from a distance wisely.
MARCUS PARKS
There may have been a destabilizing force somewhere in their country that might have fucked everything up for everybody. But the point is that it's not a monoculture in any way whatsoever. Really as one writer put it, the life of a Muslim immigrant in Europe is the fucking same as most people's lives, work, kids, sleep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
That's it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
95% of society.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. But as far as Anders Breivik and his compatriots were concerned, Muslims were on track to force every white Norwegian to live under Sharia law within a generation or two. This was not only being allowed to happen in their view but it was actively being encouraged by socialists, Marxists, and somehow feminists.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's because they won't date him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. I think so.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why.
MARCUS PARKS
But most importantly when it came to Anders Breivik, he was not rejected by the people he connected with on these sites like he'd been rejected by his tagging crew, the Progress Party, the Freemasons, and his World of Warcraft guild.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also remember, each one he did things to reject his fucking self.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So it's again, everyone rejected me but he was the one that did all of the shit.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It seems like there's one thing in common with all these fucking things and it's your fucking ass.
MARCUS PARKS
It's Anders Breivik, yes. No, he always fucked up his own life. But in this world he was accepted immediately because Anders Breivik had finally found the place where the dickhead reigned supreme. And the bigger of a dickhead you were, the more popular you became, at least amongst the bottom feeders.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, amongst the bottom feeders.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. That's on the right wing extremist blogs and message boards. And so Anders began less time playing World of Warcraft. Instead he dedicated himself to adding another extremist book to the pile. And that book consumed him completely.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Hate University.
MARCUS PARKS
That book of course contained a fair amount of rambling history.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A fair amount? How about in its entirety.
MARCUS PARKS
Particularly, Anders Breivik was becoming obsessed with the medieval Crusades fighting force known as the Knights Templar. And that's where we'll pick back up next week for Anders Breivik part two.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We are gonna get into, it's just gonna get real nasty. The next couple episodes are like, we're gonna obviously go deep into his ideology next week which everyone loves. And then we're gonna get into some real, truly harrowing violence. His mass shooting spree was truly horrible. He's fucking one of the worst guys to ever live. And we're gonna get real into it. But we're gonna have laughs along the way.
ED LARSON
It's just crazy that someone who did like one of the most insane, evil things of all time can be so boring.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But that is common.
MARCUS PARKS
Very common.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because these guys are all insufferable fucking assholes. Look at the nazis. I use it as a direct comparison because of the area of the world and what he believed in. But those guys, Dr. Mengele, we had a hard time when we were doing (singing) Mengele! Like it was hard to like pinpoint this man. The man himself was a very blasé kind of empty canvas man.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Because there's an entire interior world with these people. Because that's the thing, you don't know how much of their interior world is truly consumed by thoughts of violence.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And I think that's where they spend most of their time is in a world of violence within their own head until it finally breaks out and touches everyone else.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah. Because he was just by himself the whole time, no one paying attention to him. And that's why the cops did not see it coming.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Stay tuned for more of that next week on Last Podcast on the Left. You're gonna go and check out our Patreon, go to patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft and you can see all of these episodes. You're going to see it in full flesh and blood. See me be pink. See me be chubby.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And sweaty.
ED LARSON
Yeah, this red light really brings out your pinks.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It really does.
MARCUS PARKS
Like a bunch of piggy boys here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We really are very, very, a bunch of piglets. But we are told by our young staff to go and check out TikTok. Oh man, it's a website. Go to @LPontheleft. And oh man, you're gonna see so many-
MARCUS PARKS
Clips.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep.
MARCUS PARKS
It's clips and you'll get to see fun clips and then those fun clips will take you to our Patreon where you can see the full episodes. Don't just live your life by clips, don't live your life by TikTok little by little. Spend some time, settle into it. Really get sweaty.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, man.
ED LARSON
But join the TikTok.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But join the TikTok and then go somewhere else for the bigger smell.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you join a TikTok?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, you join. I don't-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Or you follow a TikTok.
MARCUS PARKS
I have never looked at it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But I hear ours is fun.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, it's good!
MARCUS PARKS
And our Instagram is great too, @LPontheleft. And be sure to check out LPNTV on Twitch. Twitch.tv/lpntv.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, the Gud Pud is back next week.
ED LARSON
Nice!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
On Thursday.
ED LARSON
Hell yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm excited. We're beginning a plot, you'll see.
ED LARSON
A plot?
MARCUS PARKS
That's nice.
ED LARSON
Like a burial plot?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
Really? You and Jackie?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Honestly I would love to purchase a burial plot, I think it'd be fun.
ED LARSON
Yeah? Are you gonna get buried?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want a tomb.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
You want a tomb.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I wanna be frozen in a tomb, I wanna be like Lenin.
ED LARSON
Oh.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I'm gonna get buried.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I want people to pay money to go see me.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So I'm always fucking getting them tickets, dog.
MARCUS PARKS
I'm a tombstone, just free.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Free baby, yeah. Gimme a tombstone, put me in the ground, I'm good to go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'mma throw his body out on the freeway. How are you gonna be buried?
ED LARSON
Bodies exhibit. I already told you this.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You watching TV or you doing the lawnmower.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Podcast body.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Ah yes.
ED LARSON
Yeah. $39.99 if you wanna come pay your respects.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can you see how thick his wrists are from surfing the web? All right, that's it. Hail Satan.
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail none of these motherfuckers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
None.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hail anybody but them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Hail people who played fair on fucking Elden Ring PVP.
ED LARSON
There you go.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, thank you.
ED LARSON
There you go, guys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Thank god somebody said it.