HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna start today with a bit of a controversial thought.
MARCUS PARKS
Please.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Obviously we're gonna get to some of the corrections.
MARCUS PARKS
The various many corrections.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's been a week.
ED LARSON
What happened? People were wrong?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. Never me. I blame society mostly for me.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All right. Which is honestly, it's right on, right on task.
ED LARSON
Is Anders Andrew? Like is that their Andrew?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I don't know.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he did use Andrew as a pseudonym but we'll get to that.
ED LARSON
Okay, cool. Are we sure?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god. Oh god. But this is my thinking, right. He was a bad kid, sure. Andrew Breivik, bad kid, naughty boy.
MARCUS PARKS
Naughty boy, yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Naughty boy. Punched hard for a four year old, extremely dangerous. No one knew what to do with him. But imagine if there was just one magical afternoon where Michael Jackson could have chosen Anders Breivik, right. That's how you actually pronounce it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Brought him to Neverland Ranch one time.
ED LARSON
And had the monkey rip him to shreds?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That would be incredible either way. But think about what good it would have done-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For that little boy to play with a llama.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go on the train. I was looking at a bunch of old pictures of Neverland Ranch. And let's say it did fall into disarray.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it seemed that he was distracted by a lot of stuff going on. Obviously he was trying to go back on tour, he was feeling super sleepy.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was getting his, (Michael Jackson voice) I get my milk every night. But man, I just think about that. Like maybe he needed some of that joy. I watched the old Michael Jackson Super Bowl performance that he did and when he had all of those kids dancing in unison at his whim, I just thought man, Anders Breivik should have been there.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And like man, I just feel like a little bit of joy, a little bit of (humming) could have like helped him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I bet he wouldn't have liked it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He looks like a Macaulay Dulkin.
MARCUS PARKS
Welcome to the Last Podcast on the Left, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Marcus Parks here with Henry Zebrowski.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're not Marcus Parks. I'm Marcus Parks.
MARCUS PARKS
That's fun!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, don't try to forget-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning) I'm Marcus. Henry, you're wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
All you're trying to do is take all the shit you got wrong last week and put it on me.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You got shit wrong too!
MARCUS PARKS
Meh.
ED LARSON
I love not... It's fun not knowing anything.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, isn't it nice to stay ignorant?
MARCUS PARKS
And the know nothing is Ed Larson.
ED LARSON
Hello! I'm an idiot!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And thank you for saying it.
ED LARSON
Boogers are delicious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You shouldn't say that anymore because you blew my fucking mind to the top of Side Stories last week.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do you know that picking your nose is giving people Alzheimer's? Yeah, I saw that fear.
ED LARSON
91% of people with Alzheimer's pick their nose.
MARCUS PARKS
I love picking my nose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We all do.
ED LARSON
I love picking my nose.
MARCUS PARKS
I love it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Yeah, man. It's bacteria from your finger.
ED LARSON
Wash your hands first before you pick your nose.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wear gloves.
ED LARSON
Use sanitizer.
MARCUS PARKS
No but that's the thing is that's the great thing about picking your nose, it's an absent minded thing.
ED LARSON
I know but now you gotta think about it just a little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Unfortunately. One more thing to hyper focus on. And I'm just, thank god I am gifted with the superpower of OCD hypervigilance that allows me to really dig in.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
I've just been snorting fucking antibacterial soap and everything's fine. Really, it gets you fucked up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Here we are at Anders Breivik part two. I don't like saying Bray-vik. It makes me feel weird because I don't like putting the word 'brave' into his name because he's a fucking coward.
ED LARSON
Fuck him. Also we can call him whatever the hell we want.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Call him Mr. Tushypants.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He should be Mr. Tushypants. I would actually then go as far as to call him Panders Breivik. But it's hard because Awn-ders Brev-ick, that's how you get it Norwegian.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah but I'm not gonna sit here and say-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also Iceland is not Scandinavia.
MARCUS PARKS
I talked to my friend Addi this morning who is an Icelander and I ran it by him and he said that Icelanders are culturally Scandinavian but not geographically.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh my god. This sounds like I'm in the middle of somebody else's manifesto.
MARCUS PARKS
And that was from a man named Aðalsteinn Jörgensen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I believe him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I got several strident, wooden emails from people saying that it is not Scandinavia.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And then he went on to talk shit about the Norwegians and the Swedish for them bastardizing the fucking Icelandic language because the Icelandic language is the original language of Scandinavia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm starting to see what's going on here. I'm starting to see an interstatehood kind of rivalry happening and we are now in the center.
ED LARSON
Yeah, they got the three little droopy dicks. That's Scandinavia.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yep. Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
Culturally but not geographically.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just don't... I'm with everyone.
ED LARSON
Yeah. What are you gonna do?
MARCUS PARKS
So by the time Anders Breivik turned 30, he'd almost disappeared into the world of online right wing extremism completely but he still had tenuous connections to the real world. According to former friends, when they took him out for his 30th birthday, the only topic of conversation Breivik wanted to spend time on was the book he was writing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He was such an overbearing bore and piece of shit 24/7. And it's hard because I did some reading into online radicalization after this because like that idea of someone going away-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
For five years and then coming out of a room full of farts like a different guy is interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it really shows that a lot of times online radicalization is so much faster than in-person radicalization.
MARCUS PARKS
It is.
ED LARSON
We've watched it happen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But for a long time I didn't understand why. I was like but why? And it's really, there's like a... I might be talking a little bit out of school here so feel free to correct me, sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com. But the idea that our biological brains, sort of the meat in our heads are not supposed to be subject to so many different thoughts at any given time and this so much information at any given time.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that you truly, like back in the day they used to have, because we talk about when hate went online. They were like first up.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Oh yeah. Stormwatch is one of the oldest sites on the internet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, like they were right in and as soon as the internet started, there were hate groups online. And it started in forums but they always viewed offline evangelism as like crucial. Like you have to go to a gun show, you have to go to a place, you have to do these things, you meet up with people.
MARCUS PARKS
Someone has to hand you the protocols of the elders of Zion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because again, that's how you know locally sourced. But it's also, we joked about it last time about how like even members of Al Qaeda would like hang out.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? They would go and have barbecues and shit like that. And there was like a social contingent to the offline evangelizing of hate groups.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then like basically it shows that if you're online, it's so much easier to... Because there's no side quests online, there's no hanging out, there's no joking around. You guys are all just talking hate all day long, getting pumped full of ideology. And it ramps up the effects of being in this echo chamber where you have no other thought outside of your little world.
MARCUS PARKS
Well basically it creates, it shifts your reality.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like you have this own bubble of reality. And that's what Henry was telling me earlier today is that the more you ingest this information, the more it becomes oh this is what the world is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Like this is it completely because our brains are trained to do that.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well before the internet, there were like checks and balances on what we read a little bit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well it's also our reality is created by the information that goes into it and the data. So eventually if that's the only data that's going into it, that's how you're going to see the world. And then he's going out, right. So now he's spending all day inside.
MARCUS PARKS
Anders Breivik.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anders Breivik. He's going out, he's fucking playing World of Warcraft 24/7. He's got no job, nothing going on. But when he goes out with his so-called friends, they all are like, when he starts spouting off his horseshit, all of his buddies are like you know that's fucking wrong, right? They're like that's stupid or we don't like you anymore.
MARCUS PARKS
Well his buddies at this time, like he's keeping all this shit hidden.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
When he's at 30, he's going out for his 30th birthday, he's not talking about the Eurabia theory, he's not talking about Muslims. He's just talking about the Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Because that's the thing-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It sounds like me.
MARCUS PARKS
Because he didn't tell his friends that the vast majority of the book he was working on was extremist right wing rantings.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He told his friends I'm working on a book about the Crusades and specifically I'm focusing on the Battle of Vienna in 1683. But focusing on this battle was a potent right wing Islamophobic dog whistle if you knew the story behind the battle. Like his friends could probably infer when he started talking about the Europeans defending themselves against the Muslim hordes that he's probably got some bad opinions.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But he's not out and out openly talking about this shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just find it interesting.
MARCUS PARKS
He's a coward.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He is a coward. And I just find it interesting that he did have to hide his right wing views because he knew that they wouldn't be into his right wing views. And so every single time he would try to, he began to be more and more separated from society because he's isolating himself. Because he's going back to the same places that'll make him feel good about the horrible things that he's saying.
ED LARSON
Do you think if he did it like without a gun or without a weapon at all, like hand to hand, would that make him not a coward?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'd think about it more.
MARCUS PARKS
He's just walking around town beating people up.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He'd just be another local psycho.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's punching at people, kicking a baby, pissing on a water fountain.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the Battle of Vienna, the thing that Anders Breivik was focusing on, that has become a legendary milestone in the minds of extreme right wing radicals due to the fact that it involved a Muslim force invading a European city and failing. The way the right looks at it, the Islamic Ottoman Empire attempted to take the Holy Roman Empire city of Vienna. But because Europe came together to repel the Muslim hordes, never again did a Muslim empire attempt an invasion of Europe. Now the reality of the Battle of Vienna is naturally not so simple.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No way! All of Anders Breivik's writings were you a fucking grandation of horseshit?
ED LARSON
Were the Muslims just excited to ride the ferris wheel?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes, the Holy Roman Empire did include Vienna but the empire itself was not a country in modern terms. Instead it was a collection of hundreds of territories throughout central Europe that each had its own ruler, with the single emperor ruling over the large, albeit decentralized, confederation. Got it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. All right.
MARCUS PARKS
As a result, only about half a dozen out of the 1800 territories of the Holy Roman Empire participated in the Battle of Vienna. Although it must be said that a lot of these territories were tiny estates ruled by imperial knights rather than major kingdoms or duchies. But even so, half a dozen isn't a lot. And the only European powers outside of the empire that joined the Battle of Vienna were Poland and a smattering of other Eastern European territories like Transylvania.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh shit, Dracula! Oh damn, I guess the Muslims can't be Dracula!
MARCUS PARKS
I'm gonna be so mad if Dracula becomes like a right wing figure.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm gonna be really upset. (Transylvanian accent) I do not drink Jewish wine! What?
MARCUS PARKS
Put away the Manischewitz, Dracula's coming. Well in other words, while different powers did come together, this was by no means the great gathering of the white race that the extreme right believes it to be. Nevertheless, it has become a potent symbol to the Islamophobic authors that Anders Breivik was consuming on a daily basis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They're literally just like hacky tropes within the world of right wing thought.
MARCUS PARKS
Well they're looking at it like an action movie>
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, true.
MARCUS PARKS
Everything is simplified and yet highly convoluted at the same time. Now around 2009, Breivik spent less time playing World of Warcraft and more time on either a smattering of extremist right wing websites or badly written self published books by authors who didn't even have the balls to use their real name.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of course. I find it interesting that they all have to hide something that they're all so supposed to be proud about.
ED LARSON
Well it's the same thing with the Klan. It's like if they knew they were right, they wouldn't wear the fucking hoods.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they were safe against COVID. And honestly I think that's one of the nicest things that the Ku Klux Klan could have done for themselves.
MARCUS PARKS
Well among the more odious writers was a guy who went by the name Fjordman, real name Peder Jensen. And most of his writing outside of his most popular self published book, 'Defeating Eurabia', could be found on a hate blog called Gates of Vienna, named after the aforementioned battle. Fjordman was Anders Breivik's favorite writer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Oof, oof, I love this guy. I want to do a meet and greet. Apparently it is a dour meet and greet.
MARCUS PARKS
Now Breivik didn't reach out to Fjordman immediately. Instead Breivik cut his extremist teeth on the comment section of a far right website called document.no. There, Breivik found that writing hate filled conspiracy rants about Islam and the Western media's complicity in its own destruction, that chick got a lot of positive attention.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is where I'll get into my little anti shitposting rant. I did read a very interesting article from George Washington University that was like, I keep seeing this, what seems like a one of those like your children may be in danger, watch at 11 to find out! You know what I mean? Like that style.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I was reading this article that talked about how shitposting really helps the right wing like terrorism.
ED LARSON
Oh for sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because in my mind like we were all black pilled 4chan people.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
In the very early days of 4chan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, we were all like anything that was like the most awful like I'd laugh at. Because in your head you're like oh I'm exercising an ironic understanding of horrible things. But it really does create this amazing smokescreen for actual terrorists and actual like people that are gonna go and do fucked up shit inside of these worlds because they have that release valve of like we're just fucking around, it's just a joke, like we're just doing it, it's like a funny thing, it's a meme.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is that Marshall McLuhan, the guy who coined the term meme, the original definition of the word 'meme' is a unit of information. And so you get enough units of information that are saying the exact same thing over and over again, then again, that becomes your reality.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And the other thing about 4chan is that, the old saying is like if you act like an idiot, don't be surprised when idiots show up thinking that they found people of like minds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Because half of these guys are just shitposting from their mom's basement. But the other half of these guys are wishing they could get out of their mom's basement and go kill a bunch of people.
MARCUS PARKS
And falling into right wing ideological rabbit holes is actually pretty easy even when you're not actively searching for it. And it's even easier today than it was back when Breivik was searching the internet for those said like minds.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Because they discovered they could make a lot of money on it. So now they just let it run unfettered.
MARCUS PARKS
I myself, for example, innocently mentioned a band that I'd been enjoying at the end of a Side Stories episode a couple of weeks ago.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Traitor!
MARCUS PARKS
Henry said something about a band he liked and I was like hey, I'm listening to this other band. It's pretty good. Now the album, that was just something I was listening to while I was playing with my Legos.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's something that was on a list of albums to listen to from 2023. I was just going through it and just having fun.
ED LARSON
We know about your condition.
MARCUS PARKS
And I'm having a grand old time because the album has a fun 90s vibe with a modern twist, I'm bopping along trying to figure out which pieces go with what.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, where do you put the dead bodies? This is from the Titanic set.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well actually I was working on the Lego lighthouse by this time.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh good, good, good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you didn't have a naked Willem Dafoe in it?
ED LARSON
So you should have built the lighthouse before the Titanic then it wouldn't have fucking crashed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do something! Not just sit there idling by!
MARCUS PARKS
But I'm listening to the album and I'm not really paying attention to the lyrics because they're being sneered, they're being screamed, like every once in a while you hear like I'm a girl, I'm a girl! Like cool, whatever. And the Lego lighthouse was using the bulk of my concentration. I even thought hey man, I'll fucking look it up. Next time they're in LA, I'll go out and see them. But lo and behold, as soon as I publicly said I liked this band, I was informed that they were pretty much the modern 4chan version of Death in June. Death in June were a post-punk turned neofolk band from the 80s who claimed that the insane amount of nazi symbolism in their music and imagery, that was just misunderstood.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, oh yes. It was. It really was misunderstood. No, it is nazis.
MARCUS PARKS
Because most punks back in the day wore swastikas or named bands after nazi atrocities, ie Joy Division. They were doing it for either shock value or to draw attention to all of the horrible shit that happened in the holocaust that everyone was trying to forget.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well ironic acceptance of horrible imagery.
MARCUS PARKS
Exactly. Death in June however were more of the opinion that nazism was a good idea that went awry with the nazi purge of officers who weren't loyal enough to Hitler, the Night of the Long Knives. Death in June was so dedicated to this event that their name is a direct reference to the date in which the night occurred. But you'd never be able to tell that just by listening to their music until of course you really get into it. And if you really get into it, you just might be swayed by that ideology.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just a slippery slope kind of. You don't understand that you're just kind of... I did notice that Marcus was sieg heiling like a lot. But I thought-
ED LARSON
Secret heils.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I thought he was just pointing to where the dishes were.
MARCUS PARKS
But this band, this band that I'm talking about, they're not nazis, they're kind of updated for the times. This band that I listened to while playing with fucking Legos, super fun, super energetic, fucking sometimes I drive around LA, la la la, fucking great, blasting out my windows. They have a song about the Christchurch shooting except they're pro shooting.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah!
ED LARSON
Ah!
MARCUS PARKS
And as you may already know, Christchurch was directly inspired by Anders Breivik. That's all to say that this shit is everywhere. And it's extremely easy to twist your ankle in a right wing hole if you're not being careful out there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was like last week. 'll issue my correction is that I said the term 'left wing fascism', right. Which is technically a fallacy, it cannot exist because fascism is technically a right wing philosophy. But I should have used the term of authoritarianism.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure.
ED LARSON
Or lunatic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Are they really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really close? Yes. But I understand the concept of not getting, if you don't look into the words, this is how right wing guys operate. You know what I mean? It wasn't until... Because for a while I did think, I was like well what's the big deal about confusing the terms? Until I did get deeper into the manifesto with Anders Breivik and saw the term 'left wing fascism' and watched that pop up quite a bit. Because he is trying to equate the terms. Authoritarianism is no better.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's the same other side of it, but it's just this interesting thing of like it's the terminology. You don't understand you're using the terminology and then all of a sudden you're put in a position where you're like arguing for semantics. That's like the one issue about like the left wing side of the political argument is like a bunch of people inner arguing with each other while then all of a sudden like some right wing dude's gonna come up and shoot you in the back of the fucking head while you're all fighting over terminology.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I also get it. I understand that that's how you slide into something accidentally.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. Now as far as what Breivik wrote in the document.no forums, he took Fjordman's lead and heavily discussed the Eurabia theory that we talked about in the last episode in which Muslims were on track to replace Europeans with the help of the European elites. The problem with the Eurabia theory is that none of these people can give any plausible reason why the notoriously secular European Union would wanna turn their continent into an Islamic caliphate.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It doesn't track.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
No.
MARCUS PARKS
Really, the only theory they can come up with is that the forerunner of the European Union struck a deal in the 1970s with the Middle East to trade oil for refugees. And these supposedly all powerful European elites have been stuck in their Faustian bargain ever since.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just... That shows it's just about money!
MARCUS PARKS
Well it doesn't work, it doesn't make any fucking sense.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Now after Breivik got popular on the document.no comment section-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Such a happening place. One of my faves. It's better than having love.
MARCUS PARKS
Which is still going by the way.
ED LARSON
Yeah?
MARCUS PARKS
And still extraordinarily Islamophobic. Breivik decided to use those comment sections to write an open letter to Fjordman. It read quote:
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Fjordman, I've now worked full time for over three years on a solution- oriented work compendium written in English. I have tried to concentrate on areas a little to one side of your main focus. A lot of the information I have gathered is not known to most people."
MARCUS PARKS
Bring it back, bring it back.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. (Nordic accent) "A lot of the information I have... A lot of the information I have gathered." I tried to do Norwegian and it went straight to Irish.
MARCUS PARKS
No, you tried to do Norwegian, you sound like a leprechaun.
ED LARSON
Do Swedish Chef. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "A lot of the information I have is not known to most people, including you. If you email me at year2083gmail.com, I will send an electronic copy when I am finished it."
MARCUS PARKS
Now I'd imagine Fjordman wasn't the busiest of bees because two days later he sent an email to year2083@gmail.com, the meaning of which we'll soon discuss. He wrote, (Nordic accent) "Hello, this is Fjordman. You wanted to get a hold of me."
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I feel like he is so bored.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like, (Nordic accent) "Hello, this is Fjordman. I heard that you want to get to get a hold of me."
MARCUS PARKS
Ugh. Well excited beyond belief and damn near thunderstruck-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh!
MARCUS PARKS
Anders immediately replied, saying that the book was ready but it would take a few months to quote "prepare the practicalities for dispatch". Whatever the fuck that means.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's got to wrap up the deal memo.
MARCUS PARKS
Ah. Anders then said that he was choosing free distribution of the book to penetrate the censorship of the publishing industry.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Exactly.
MARCUS PARKS
And it seems like as soon as Fjordman heard the word 'free' his interest dried up and Breivik never heard from him again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Free hate? That's what I deliver!
MARCUS PARKS
Undeterred, Anders continued posting on document.no, blaming his former political party's election defeats on the Norwegian media and classifying the Arab Spring protests of 2010 as quote "Muslim riots".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's just so funny that all of these guys take strategies from people that they so-called are filled with hate for.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? That they look at the Arab Spring and they see Twitter working for the Arab Spring movement and then they're like oh great, we can use that for hate!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We can use that for our shit. But it's just weird, like you're stealing their tactics but you hate them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, of course.
ED LARSON
I'm much more of a fan of Irish Spring.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He smells like it.
MARCUS PARKS
Well to that point, Breivik then started spamming the Facebook accounts of cultural conservatives and immigration critics, sending the maximum of 50 friend requests a day to build an email database for when his book was finished. About half of those people said yes to Breivik's request, meaning that there were a lot of conservatives all over the world who were Facebook friends with Anders Breivik on July 22nd, 2011. And considering how most people don't purge their friends list on a regular basis, a lot of them probably still are.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go check.
ED LARSON
They didn't kick Breivik off of Facebook?
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
What are you kidding me?
MARCUS PARKS
Well maybe they did. I don't know. At least not until he was Anders Breivik.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Do you have any idea how difficult it is to delete your account? I'm trying to save all my pictures of all my favorite flags and I cannot, I cannot save them!
MARCUS PARKS
They won't let me. They still have a fucking horrible Facebook page up and they won't let me get rid of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Technically you can download the pictures you put up. So Anders could get all his flags and the pictures of him and his uniforms. He could get those.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But thankfully because Anders Breivik was probably never tagged in a photo ever by a friend, he actually won't be missing those.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's what's hard to get.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
We should start tagging him in like pictures of like fucking vaginas and stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Ew. Yuck! I do not trust any being born with a chasm.
MARCUS PARKS
Well really the only people in the right wing space that Breivik didn't want to associate with were people who had obvious nazi symbols anywhere on their Facebook page. He didn't want neonazis as friends because apparently they were a bridge too far and way too obvious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's confusing to me because you read this fucking manifesto, god I hate this fucking piece of shit, I'm so sick of reading about it. And it's this weird thing of like I'm not racist, I'm not a nazi. It's just like then what are you? Why are you killing 77 people though? Obviously you're not a chef. You know what I mean? You're not a fucking, you're not in the bobsled team for Norway.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he's one of those people that are like I'm not a racist, they just don't belong here.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well that's what that is.
MARCUS PARKS
Yes.
ED LARSON
But he also fucking sieg heiled in the middle of a courtroom!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did that for, again, theatricality.
MARCUS PARKS
Well he actually put a fist up.
ED LARSON
He did both, didn't he?
MARCUS PARKS
Well he did the sieg heil I think recently but during his original trial, he just did the fist up. Which some people say that picture of him with his fist up in the air is the best piece of propaganda that he ever produced. Because he looks good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess. No, he doesn't! He's got a chinstrap beard.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anybody with that beard is gross.
MARCUS PARKS
In the context of the right wing shitheads that look up to him, they can look at that picture and say that guy looks badass.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
Their bar is very low.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know. It's true, it's funny. It's true.
MARCUS PARKS
But when it came to paramilitary organizations, the one that Anders Breivik respected the most had been destroyed hundreds of years before. More than anyone, Anders Breivik idolized the Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(British accent) The Knights Templar! Honestly I love the Knights Templar.
ED LARSON
It's a cool name.
MARCUS PARKS
It's a cool name. Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But it is a subject that we're gonna-
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well you love the subject of the Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now put very, I wouldn't say, you shouldn't say that you love the Knights Templar.
ED LARSON
You look too bashful right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
What do you mean? Well it's because they got a bad rap.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It's like you think they're cute or something.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're nice. Are you a Knights Templar? Okay.
ED LARSON
Can I see your arms?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ooh wow, so strong from holding your lance. They are misunderstood.
ED LARSON
Are they?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Are they? They were dedicated mostly to protecting pilgrims who were trying to take over the holy land and dedicated to slaughtering Muslims.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they were murdered on the whole, they were executed in the name of being Satanists. They did all these rituals-
MARCUS PARKS
You only like them because they were accused of being Satanists.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. It's because they had all the money.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They took all the money and then they got... I'm just saying I appreciate them.
ED LARSON
You like them because they're rich Satanists.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But before that, they were a bunch of god-fearing shitheads who slaughtered innocents.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were fucking like wow! (metal guitar riff)
MARCUS PARKS
They were the thing you hate the most.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Nah, man, dog. Not back then, man.
MARCUS PARKS
They were killing people in the name of god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they were also, a lot of them were paid. So a lot of them, it was just a job.
MARCUS PARKS
So because they're mercenaries, that's cool?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So what do you think about Blackwater? They were fine?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, I wanna thank you to our recent sponsor, Blackwater. It has been an incredible working experience with them. And if you need a private mercenary, you can use the code lastpod at blackwater.com.
MARCUS PARKS
Now put very simply and briefly, the Knights Templar were a band of warriors who had participated in the Christian Crusades against Muslim lands in the medieval period. The Templars and others like them were seeking to reclaim Jerusalem from Muslim control and expand Christian influence through a holy war against the Muslim infidels. Now there were of course plenty of other people who participated in the Crusades for the treasure. But the Knights Templar, at least at first, swore oaths of poverty, chastity, and obedience to the lord, renouncing all worldly pleasures while they protected pilgrims and slaughtered Muslims.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But they had to agree to that to get to go kill people for money.
MARCUS PARKS
Within a century though, the Knights Templar had become a bloated, corrupt, and extremely wealthy organization that developed an early form of modern banking. They created checks and in the process became in essence the first evil multinational corporation.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
See you say evil, I still think that they're... So the way they kind of were was like... A very oversimplification of it in my understanding of it is that they were kind of like the Whacking Hut of the Crusades.
ED LARSON
Okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where like a part of what they did was that you'd go and they'd kill a bunch of people for you in the Crusades. And then what they would do is they'd get all the treasures, all the booty, right, all the loot after killing all these people. And then they would be like... So the parties they represented, they'd be like (mafioso voice) so what we're gonna do is we're gonna take your precious items and we're gonna safely carry them back to the homeland. And then they'd bring it back and then you go to show up, you're like okay, where's all the loot that you guys are gonna give me from all the stuff? And you're like (mafioso voice) here's the thing about it is that we kill people on the whole like real fucking good, right? And we have all your money. So now you're gonna have to figure out how to get it back. And so they were essentially like an armored car service.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then eventually when they went to go get it back, they were all like nah.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you have to do the leap from the lion's head and choose wisely and all that shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing, it was a slow progression because at first they were these very noble, at least they thought they were noble knights that were protecting pilgrims, and then they started getting lands because they needed to have like kind of rest stops along the way.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And then once they got lands, then that's when the treasure started coming through and then that's when they started holding onto it. And before long, they're a corporation and they're there to exploit people. Now by the early 14th century, the king of France was deep in debt to the Templars. So he along with the Pope accused the Templars of worshiping Baphomet and licking each other's buttholes and such and such.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They probably were licking buttholes.
MARCUS PARKS
Maybe.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But I think that just because of the closeness of men in the trenches-
MARCUS PARKS
The brotherhood.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel like for a while, wasn't there like a concept in ancient history of wanting gay men to be like soldiers because they would fight for your lover?
ED LARSON
Trojans, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
ED LARSON
Am I wrong on that? They'd fight naked together and then if they killed their lover, then they'd fight harder.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, right?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's cool.
MARCUS PARKS
That's super cool, yeah.
ED LARSON
Nothing's like honestly, like what's more manly than fucking a dude in the ass?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Truly. Having another man go (moaning) is extremely manly.
MARCUS PARKS
Well before they knew it, the head Templar, Jacques de Molay, was being burned at the stake in the middle of Paris on the king's say so. And the Knights Templar were soon after disbanded, thereby erasing the French king's debts.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's about money.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's the end of the Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But I just like them because they were viewed as like a magical group.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were just mad because-
ED LARSON
They're hitmen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, they're hitmen.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now all the later corruption and dirty dealings are of course ignored by the far right because in their eyes, the Knights Templar are the model of noble Europeans who slaughtered the Muslim hordes because it was god's will.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whatever.
MARCUS PARKS
Anders Breivik would go on and on about the Knights Templar in his book. But he was by no means the first right wing extremist to use the Knights Templar as a symbol, nor was he the last.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just think they like the name.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
The Knights Templar? Well the imagery is very cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
When you think of a medieval knight, a lot of times you're thinking of a Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And the Order of the Solar Temple.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, of course.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They were obsessed with the iconography.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Did they kill any dragons?
MARCUS PARKS
Nah, no, no. That was George. There was a guy named George, he killed the dragon.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. They probably killed a couple fat guys.
MARCUS PARKS
Well for a recent example, the wannabe Nuremberg nerds with the tiki torches at the fucking Unite the Right rally in Charlottesville, they showed up with shields bearing the red cross of the Crusades. At that rally and online, they also appropriated a rallying cry from the Crusades, deus vult, which means god wills it. Deus vult has of course since become an alt right catchphrase and somewhat of an obscure dog whistle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So sick of these fucking nerds.
ED LARSON
There's so much cooler shit in the world.
MARCUS PARKS
I know, man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Like you know what's a cooler thing for not hate group is going Maud'Dib, Maud'Dib, Maud'Dib. From Dune.
MARCUS PARKS
Super cool.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's cool.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Further back in the past, the KKK have always referred to themselves as white knights and they published their own newspaper not so subtly called The Crusades. And let's never forget that George W. Bush, just after the 9/11 attacks, explicitly referred to the invasion of the Middle East as a crusade just before plunging us into the forever war.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's like we never learn.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. But when it came to Anders Breivik and the Knights Templar, he, along with all the others, really only cared about the iconography of the order and of course the broad implications of attaching themselves to an organization that was explicitly dedicated to the righteous slaughter of Muslims.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is there a German word for the intense devotion to... What do you call it? It's like deep research that's still shallow as fuck.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like he does... That is a lot of fucking manifesto.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is pages and pages and pages and pages of horseshit. But you watch-
MARCUS PARKS
I mean there's an English word for it, it's called cherry picking.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I guess that's what it would be.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you look at the way he writes it, because then you read it, because in his mind it's all hype, it's all reasonable and it all makes sense. But I'm looking at it immediately like oh no, this is a definite interpretation of facts that you have twisted into all these non words.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like cultural Marxism, all this kind of stuff which is like empty airheaded bullshit.
MARCUS PARKS
No, it's cherry picking. It's the same way that a pastor can have the bible memorized and know shit backwards and forwards but can still ignore every single thing that Jesus ever said.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And it's just weird, like someone will convince himself of something and then just search on the internet for days until they finally find one article that proves them kind of right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I do it every day.
MARCUS PARKS
Now the quote unquote "book" that Anders Breivik quote unquote "wrote" is in a word terrible. Very little of the political theory is of his own making and much of it is plagiarized from right wing extremists like Fjordman.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Tedium is the medium.
MARCUS PARKS
In fact, Breivik copied and pasted large swaths of Fjordman's works and repeated them multiple times to make sure his point was very clear. But like his hero Fjordman, Breivik was too cowardly to release his book under his own name, instead choosing to use the nom de plume of Andrew Berwick.
ED LARSON
There it is.
MARCUS PARKS
But throughout the book, Breivik blamed most of the problems facing Europe on the left, using a term still popular with right wing talking heads like Jordan Peterson. Specifically, Breivik used the term cultural Marxism. Cultural Marxism is yet another antisemitic conspiracy theory claiming that there is a massive academic and intellectual effort to undermine western society and replace traditional conservatism with liberal values.
ED LARSON
Yeah. I hate cultural Marxism means like I never learned how to share my toys.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Well he also uses words that mean nothing. Multiculturalism. We see it now, Alex Jones, globalists, right. Like this concept of this giant conspiracy to destroy all national identities.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And first of all, who cares? I don't fucking, who fucking could possibly fucking care? But two, the terms are all like mysterious and they all like don't mean what they say that they mean. Like cultural Marxism makes no sense. Like I know that they do sort of like in Marxist thought there is like a culture idea in it but not like this.
MARCUS PARKS
No. Well cultural Marxism is all an attempt to destabilize western society for reasons that are unclear and constantly changing. As far as the antisemitic angle goes, these ideas allegedly sprouted from an institute for social research called the Frankfurt School. And the intellectuals who created them were allegedly Marxist jews. Basically, cultural Marxism is an umbrella term for anything the far right doesn't like.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
To them, anything that isn't based in traditional western values and doesn't place the white man at the top of the heap is in effect cultural Marxism.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't even like belly rings.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Kosher hot dogs.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't handle it.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They don't wanna see... To be honest if they could, they would take Zendaya and they would cut her up into 1000 pieces.
ED LARSON
Dude, leave Zendaya out of this!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm saying that this is what they want.
ED LARSON
This is America's princess!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know! We must protect her!
ED LARSON
Yes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We have to find out where she lives.
ED LARSON
Let's go to her house!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We need a post in front of her house to protect her. And if she comes out and if she asks us what we're doing, we're saying we're protecting you from the Knights Templar.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Madam Zendaya.
ED LARSON
Yes, I have my sword!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And I have my axe!
ED LARSON
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And my bow.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Where did you come from? I was in your bathroom.
MARCUS PARKS
Feminism, for example, is a prominent feature of cultural Marxism, as they say. It's the reason why you can't find an obedient housewife.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's the reason!
MARCUS PARKS
But it's also why you can't get a job and why you don't do well in school.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Wow.
MARCUS PARKS
And why you don't feel masculine.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Man, it fixes everything.
MARCUS PARKS
In other words, the theory of cultural Marxism tells you that it's not your fault that you're a fucking loser, while also telling you that you're a superior specimen by virtue of being born a white man.
ED LARSON
It reminds me of the Mandela effect. It's like oh it's an excuse why I'm an idiot.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not that I just remembered wrong and I didn't know the information.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Paradoxically though, they aren't quite superior enough to figure out a way to not be a fucking loser.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's curious.
MARCUS PARKS
Isn't that the weirdest thing?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Instead, Anders Breivik and other men of his ilk become focused on simple destruction instead of the hard work that goes into actually creating something, into actually making something of yourself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just want, I'm gonna give you a little slice of what I had to read to kind of understand a little bit more where Anders Breivik comes from.
ED LARSON
How much did you read of it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
A couple hundred pages.
ED LARSON
Wow!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
ED LARSON
He does not deserve that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I just pounded through. I try, I go in there, I try to walk the walk of some of these pieces of shit.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then you'd be surprised what goes in and what comes out. But so he did his own questionnaire of himself, his own personality questionnaire at the bottom of this. And he was just like, in it it was like an interview with the head of the Knights Templar, an organization, blah, blah, blah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we're gonna get to that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. But this is his answer to... "Question: But doesn't it worry you that 95% of all Europeans will openly detest you and call you a murderer and a terrorist? Answer: (Nordic accent) It's human nature to be selfish, to seek admiration, love, and affection. This is why very few people have the self insight, the ideological and moral confidence and strength to act selflessly on behalf of their own countrymen on their own initiative without a solid hierarchical organization or country supporting and encouraging them." And that's why he shot a bunch of teenagers in a park.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Cool.
ED LARSON
Now is there even like anything close to humor in it?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Except if you go through his favorite bands.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He does do his likes and dislikes.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we'll talk about that later.
ED LARSON
Oh I can't wait.
MARCUS PARKS
The cultural Marxists however were only a part of the problem, the ones who let the so-called barbarians through the gates. In Breivik's view, the barbarians were the Muslims that were insidiously replacing Europeans simply by out-fucking them. In reality though, while immigrant birth rates are high, that's how immigration has worked in every country forever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's because fucking's free.
MARCUS PARKS
But just like every other instance throughout history, the immigrant birth rate drops heavily with each successive generation and eventually matches the birth rate of their new home. Now all this bullshit goes on and on and on for a few hundred pages-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(moaning)
MARCUS PARKS
And leads into part two of the book, Europe Burning, in which Breivik copies, pastes, and repeats multiple essays from Fjordman while also complaining that he's been forced to write this book by society. This method however is the same propaganda technique used by a right wing extremists for decades. By repeating his arguments over and over, Breivik was aiming to inspire others to take up his declaration of war against Muslims. And as evidenced by the 51 Muslim bodies at a mosque in Christchurch, New Zealand, it did work at least once. And that's not even counting all the people who read his shit, believe it, and don't kill anyone. Above every other repetitive phrase however was the Thomas Jefferson quote about the tree of liberty being refreshed by the blood of patriots and tyrants. This was the same quote Timothy McVeigh used before murdering 168 people including 19 tyrannical children in Oklahoma City in 1995.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I hate him so fucking much.
ED LARSON
Which one?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just all of them, I hate them so fucking much.
ED LARSON
I don't think we've talked about one cool person this entire episode.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hey, Ahmed?
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah, Ahmed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ahmed.
MARCUS PARKS
But we only talked about him last episode. We haven't talked about him this one. We're about to talk about him right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ahmed seemed fine. But the ideological part of the book is where he fucks up. Because I think, truly this may sound like a bit, but if you really wanted it to be effective, he would have been making memes. Because memes are a way to kind of catch people. It's bait.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this is before memes really became mainstream.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was like 2010.
MARCUS PARKS
He's doing this around 2009-2010.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
It's not quite there yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not quite there yet. But still, like he could have been at the top. If he did Pepe, there'd be like nine of these.
ED LARSON
I honestly feel so vindicated for hating memes my entire life right now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Wait til you see what emojis do.
MARCUS PARKS
The third part of Breivik's book though, what everything was leading up to, was his bloody, severe manifesto. Made entirely of his own writing, Breivik described exactly who he was gonna kill and how he was gonna do it. He wrote that he was going to perpetrate a bombing followed by a mass shooting, with the targets being not Muslims but Norwegian journalists and cultural Marxists, ie a bunch of white people. These people, he said, were being charged with complicity in the cultural genocide of the native inhabitants of Europe by allowing a Muslim invasion. And punishment of these so-called traitors would depend on a ranking system that Breivik designed himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Why do they all have a ranking system? It's these fucking nerds!
MARCUS PARKS
Because they have no clue of subtlety, everything's black and white to them.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Everything's black and white, everything can fit into a category, that way they don't have to use any of their critical thinking skills.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also it kind of matches a little bit like the concept of like racial sciences where like if you put it in all these kind of brackets and graphs and data and statistics, it looks like it's official.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Do you think he didn't go after Muslims because he was like actually kind of scared of them?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Absolutely. But he also-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He wanted to go after a bunch of unsuspecting people.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. He went after kids.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well class A traitors were leaders of political parties, unions, cultural institutions, and the media, their sentence was death. Class B traitors were the less important cultural Marxists, also sentenced to death.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The comedians!
MARCUS PARKS
Class Bs, those are the teenagers and young adults he would slaughter on Utøya Island. Class C however would be those who aided and abetted those in classes A and B, those people would receive prison sentences and fines unless they capitulated before the deadline, January 1, 2020.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) COVID. How did he know?
ED LARSON
(whispering) Oh my god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(whispering) The Knights Templar. Secrets of the Knights Templar.
MARCUS PARKS
That day, Breivik imagined in his fantasy world, would be the date when the mass deportations of Muslims would begin, unless they converted to Christianity, got baptized with a Christian name, and never spoke their native languages or celebrated their native culture ever again.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that's where Anders Breivik said the nazis went wrong is because in the manifesto, he said that the nazis had a really big grand plan of deportation and they were gonna do mass deportations. But we as the avenging Allied powers, we didn't allow them to leave. See we were too busy fighting them.
MARCUS PARKS
I've heard that argument before.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so there was nowhere for the refugees to go. And then the nazis, their hands were tied and so they had to kill everybody. But all they wanted to do was ship them out. Which I don't think was real.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Now Breivik imagined that his attack on Norway would kick off a civil war in which autonomously functioning secret cells would perpetrate shock attacks. These secret cells would be who else but the new Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa! New formula, same great taste.
MARCUS PARKS
This civil war would go until the year 2030, which is when phase two would be begin. From 2030 to 2070, the Knights Templar would begin collaborating on more advanced tactics to prepare for the final coups of all the governments in Europe. All of them. Phase three, after the coups, would feature the executions of class A and class B traitors, which is not coincidentally also the endgame of QAnon. All this shit touches tips. But in Breivik's war, these executions would go on for 13 years until the year 2083, which gave him the name of his book, '2083: A European Declaration of Independence'. From 2083 on, there would be peace and the revolutionary brigades of cultural conservatives could finally build the ideal society. Which sounds like a fucking nightmare.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
As it always does.
ED LARSON
I love killing people in the name of peace.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. This is the thing he constantly says. I don't know if that's always a right wing thing, like if it's always this concept of we are saying the crimes that we're doing out loud, that we are the guys we are the guys. We said in a text exchange before it's like it's hard when you have to keep telling everybody you're a good guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because like most of the time it means you're a bad guy.
MARCUS PARKS
Almost always when you're saying like we're the good guys, that means you're the bad guys.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Always.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he's wrong. The lone actors in digital environments is this paper I read which has a lot of this stuff in there. But I also find it because often I'm a lone actor in a digital environment.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You're talking about your failed Zoom auditions?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(crying) You don't understand, each opportunity to get in a room I'm thankful for.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? Even if it's digital.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you're not in a room.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm in my room.
ED LARSON
Yeah. Zoom and gloom.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in Anders Breivik's society, actual factories of surrogate mothers would be set up in countries where rent was cheap. And unsuitable parents would lose their children to patriots who would raise them correctly. This is almost exactly like the nazis Lebensborn breeding program, down to the requirement of producing at least 10 blonde-haired, blue-eyed children. A couple of members of Abba are a result of the Lebensborn experiments.
ED LARSON
Well they're very attractive.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Super talented. It's the same shit though because he then called nazism an effect of left wing politics, which is what they do. Where it's like it's the same shit!
MARCUS PARKS
Well that was exactly what that band Death in June were saying is that like before the Night of the Long Knives, there were some pretty good SA officers that were into some left wing stuff that was pretty good.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
It was like fucking Christ, man.
ED LARSON
He's just like Hitler though, he doesn't have blonde hair.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. No, Anders Breivik does.
ED LARSON
I thought it was more like brown.
MARCUS PARKS
It's sandy blond.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Blond enough I guess.
MARCUS PARKS
Blond enough, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Shitfuck brown is what I'd call it.
ED LARSON
That's what I have!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
Well in Breivik's world, society would be chaste and sexual abstinence would be the norm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lame.
MARCUS PARKS
Divorce would be penalized and fathers would be the defaults for custody of children.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I say only women should have the children and divorces should be mandatory.
ED LARSON
Yeah. How are you gonna have more kids if you're not fucking?
MARCUS PARKS
Well that's the thing is that all of the kids are produced by the factories that are probably in like fucking Slovenia or something.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Well all of this of course, the fucking chaste society, the sexual abstinence, fathers having default custody of children, this just sounds like Breivik's own fantasies for what he wished would have happened when he was a child, even though his father fucking despised him. Finally though when it came to his new society, every country would have its own version of Las Vegas where they would be free sex, free marijuana, and uninhibited partying for those incapable of containing themselves.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He can't be all wrong.
ED LARSON
Well the marijuana in Vegas is definitely not free.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No.
ED LARSON
I'll tell you that much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It is very expensive.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well this, Breivik said, was where the liberals and apolitical types could live. Bookstores and brothels, in other words.
ED LARSON
Oh okay. Sounds fun.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's a fun Airbnb difference.
MARCUS PARKS
Bookstores and brothels?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, I love that idea. Get your dick sucked while reading a comic book.
MARCUS PARKS
Now anyone who joined the conservative side would automatically become a part of the brotherhood. But Anders assigned himself the highest rank, that of Justicius Knight Commander.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fucking god, I just fucking this big fucking granny panty piece of shit.
ED LARSON
What does Justivius mean?
MARCUS PARKS
Justisius.
ED LARSON
Justisius.
MARCUS PARKS
That means he's a judge.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
He is a very justisuius.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jushtishiush.
ED LARSON
Juztiziuz.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jushtishius. It is not a word.
ED LARSON
This justicius motherfucker put me in jail for two nights.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's literally not a word.
MARCUS PARKS
No, justicius is a word, I looked it up. Or maybe I'm-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's judicious is the word.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no. It's justicisius, that's what it is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Jushishisius.
MARCUS PARKS
Justicisius.
ED LARSON
Just a sissy.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Whoa, that's him!
MARCUS PARKS
Justicisius. Damn, oh man, my computer doesn't wanna say it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Don't worry. I'm looking it up. Jushtishiush. I'm looking at it now.
ED LARSON
Am I concentrating on the wrong part of the story here?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe.
MARCUS PARKS
Not 'just delicious', justiciarius?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's not a word.
MARCUS PARKS
Justiciarius is the word. Nah, he made up a new word for himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
But what he's playing off of is justiciarius.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Justiciarius?
MARCUS PARKS
It means judge or justice. It's another one of those fucking old Englihs medieval terms.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Lame.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dumb.
MARCUS PARKS
Well additionally, he also formulated the enrollment rituals for new members which is pretty much stolen from freemasonry. All one needed was a darkened room, a large stone is an altar, a candle, a skull or replica skull if no real skull was available, and a sword. New members would then recite a passage from Breivik's manifesto and boom, the conservative army's got a new knight.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And always instead of amen, remember you have to end with no homo.
MARCUS PARKS
Like the KKK, Breivik also came up with neat names for his knights. There was the distinguished destroyer of cultural Marxism, distinguished saboteur master.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Not a single mustache in the group. It's all chin beards.
MARCUS PARKS
Yep. He would also give out awards for intellectual excellence and dole out uniforms based on freemason and military designs of Breivik's own making.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is where I see the internet person in him, where he made fun of freemasonry openly. After he went through his process and he did his initiation rite, he thought it was super lame and he told everyone it was lame and it was boring and he didn't want to go and it was a waste of his time. But then you see, oh no, he actually was obsessed with it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He just didn't... But because it was hard and you don't just show up, you have to go to meetings, you gotta do all this fucking horseshit, that's lame. But it's just funny that he then takes the stuff that he finds lame otherwise but he's a massive fan of it.
MARCUS PARKS
But while much of the manifesto is goofy and easy to mock, something that Anders himself foresaw, a large part of it is deadly serious. It gives instructions to would be knights on how to maximize death and destruction, instructions that Breivik himself would later put to practice to great effect. He wrote about how to purchase the guns you need, how to send anthrax by the mail, and how to use chemical weapons. Chillingly, he outlines the exact plan he would use on July 22, 2011, writing that one needed to make a loud sound in the east, then strike in the west, all while wearing a disguise. And indeed on that day, Anders would use a bomb to distract authorities and cause chaos while he committed his mass shooting miles away, dressed as a police officer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I feel that this is like the ultimate expression of this lone wolf terrorism idea that has been floated because like it was Louis Beam talked about it. He was a white supremacist, like the idea of leadership terrorism. And then everybody else, like ISIS was super into this idea of, what I think they call it, the term stochastic terrorism. More of that, the idea of like you flood the market with a bunch of stuff that kind of like hints that it would be cool if you could do these types of things.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. It'd be nice if somebody killed a bunch of democrats, that sort of thing.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well the point Breivik emphasized though was the need for everyone to write and post a manifesto before committing a terroristic act, giving each and every reason why you did so. This should be paired with good photos that should be kept on your person for easy distribution, so the media won't choose to release photos that make you look stupid. Ironically though the photos Breivik chose for himself made him look dumber than any of the media could have chosen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because there's nothing like a doughy fuck in a military uniform acting like he's legit.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like that is one of the saddest things of the manifesto.
MARCUS PARKS
If you were to die a martyr though, Breivik recommended that you also design your headstone ahead of time, making sure to include a lot of angels, pillars, arrows, birds, lions, skeletons, snakes, crowns, skulls, leaves, and/or branches.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
This is the kind of guy who just loves character creation but he hates the game.
ED LARSON
It's really weird. It's like he's talking about fashion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
He's like designing like tombstones. It's like all things that, it just seems like very flamboyant.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does. He tried to get involved in a bunch of hate groups and then when he shows up with this whole plan, it's kind of like when you pitch a show on television and they want you. And my way I started was like oh you gotta show up with a show bible and drawings and blah, blah, blah. And then it was like but all of the stuff I've actively moved ahead was like a funny random thing I said in a meeting and they're like that's the thing you gotta do. Where it's like if you show up sometimes too prepared, especially at one of these establishments, they don't want you to change the DNA of the organization.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well finally, if you decide to become a martyr, be sure to treat yourself beforehand. It's a lot like the 9/11 terrorists did in the week leading up to their attack on the World Trade Center. Like 9/7 was awesome. 9/7 was like-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We were talking about 9/11 was horrible but if you were with those guys on 9/7 in Florida at the strip club, that would have been a fucking blast.
ED LARSON
For sure.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik, for example, bought himself three extraordinarily nice bottles of wine as a little treat before carrying out his attacks. But unable to go too long without making a total fool of himself, Breivik also included instructions on how to avoid exposure before your plan came to fruition. He wrote that one needed to tell your peers something embarrassing, like you're addicted to World of Warcraft or you're gay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hypothetical things that didn't apply to him. Like just super crazy stuff out of thin air.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Breivik himself used both of these tactics but he found the second method, the coming out gambit, to be hilarious.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
He said it was hilarious because he made sure to say in his manifesto that he was most definitely, absolutely, without a doubt-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Without a doubt.
MARCUS PARKS
No questions asked-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
None asked!
MARCUS PARKS
100% hetero.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Hetero dude!
ED LARSON
Yeah. So much that he doesn't want to be around women ever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he doesn't believe in premarital sex. Yeah, and he thinks that women should be dressed in like sacks.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Let's make a society where no one has to have sex with women ever again.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And they only have to because the state is making them.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because then he would be forced to.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Heterosexual people tend to like women in my experience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
In my experience.
MARCUS PARKS
No, no. Not all. There are plenty of heterosexual men who fucking despise women. But not a lot of them think that women are icky.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But a lot of time-
MARCUS PARKS
Because it seems like Anders Breivik thinks that women are very icky.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why I made a comment last episode about like he might be gay.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But then I do understand why like obviously being gay is not like a part of his crimes and it doesn't mean anything necessarily.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I'm just saying it because I hope in some way he hears this and that he gets... Because I know he's gonna be really, really mad about it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because he takes himself very, very seriously.
ED LARSON
Is this show available on PlayStation?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean it's available in Norway and he has full internet capabilities. He literally can. Someone send this to him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Please.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If someone can send this to Anders Breivik, that'd be great. I think his email is like AndyB@hotmail.com now.
ED LARSON
And if you're listening, I wanna lick your asshole.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Let him just suck your dick. Listen, if he fucks you, you're not gonna be filled with hate anymore. You're gonna be filled with cum.
MARCUS PARKS
But speaking of personal traits, Breivik ended the manifesto with a small self-serving biography in the form of a conversation with himself called interview with the Justicier Knight Commander of the PCCTS Knights Templar.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's extremely so sad.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's so sad.
MARCUS PARKS
This interview with himself begins with his own version of his family history in which he obsessively talks about the sex lives of each of his family members. This included his sister's alleged chlamydia infection, his stepfather's proclivity for Thai sex workers, and his mother's herpes infection. This was paired with estimates for how many sexual partners each family member had, ranging from 40-500. As far as his stepfather went, even though he'd given Breivik's mother genital herpes, Breivik thought he was quote "a very likable and good guy, if a primitive sexual beast".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fascinating because he changes his childhood. He adds all like... And it's the way he views Jens or Yens, I forgot how he pronounces it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like his stepfather, like the one that he always wanted to be with. Or his father, that is his biological father.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, Jens is his father. Yens.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yens. He wanted to be with Jens and he was so in there. I never feel sympathy for him but his delusional version of his past about how like his mom wouldn't let his dad be with him and how his dad would have chosen him. Like they had some disagreements back in the day but it was like mostly kind of talking about how he was this great man. Meanwhile like his father fucking despised him.
MARCUS PARKS
Hated him.
ED LARSON
His father's publicly said that he wished he killed himself.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. In his manifesto, he rewrites it in this like fantasy world that like all of these things that kept them from being together and maybe they could have been together. And there was one moment of being like you sad little orphan.
MARCUS PARKS
Moving through his history, Breivik backtracked his childhood friendship with Muslim immigrants, specifically his time with Ahmed. Breivik made wild claims, writing that Ahmed had participated in a gang rape in a park and had cheered every time a Scud missile was fired at the Americans during the first Gulf War. Weird shit. To explain why Breivik was friends with so many immigrant kids when he was younger, he claimed that he only made alliances to avoid being robbed and beaten. This, Breivik wrote, is why he knew that Muslims were dangerous because he spent time in their inner circles.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Little fucking traitor. And these guys were all, because those were the only people that accepted him too.
ED LARSON
The only people that ever were nice to him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He then also bragged about his hip hop connections. Because he goes into this long bullshit thing about like dealing with Muslim gangs and like all this crazy gang writing. And it was like you did none of this. But this is the question. (Nordic accent) "Violent Muslim gangs in European cities are not exactly a new phenomenon. We hear about indigenous European youths getting harassed, beaten, raped, and robbed quite often. Tell us about your experiences during your vulnerable years, 14-18, growing up in the urban multicultural streets of Oslo." You know how fucking multicultural those streets are. Answer: (Nordic accent) "Since I was 12 years old, I was into the hip hop movement. For several years. I was one of the most notable hip hoppers from Oslo's west side. It was a lot easier to gain respect and credibility in Oslo West because of the demographic factors. Oslo West was the privileged and predominantly native side of Oslo with very few immigrants in contrast to the east side, which was less peaceful. Graffiti and breakdance was an important part of our life at that time." It's just like you didn't do jack shit!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "I was the most active tagger, graffiti artist in Oslo as several people in the old school hip hop community can attest to. Our standard graffiti raid consisted of going out at night in groups of 2-3 with our backpacks full of spray cans. We took our bikes, we bombed city blocks with our tags, and if you wanted girls and respect, it was all about the hip hop community at the time. And the more reckless you were, the more respect and admiration you gained." And he was just talking about how everybody loved him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
It literally was east side/west side in his manifesto?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. In Oslo.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, he didn't talk about Morg's squeal, did he?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh. Well he talked about how Morg, like how popular Morg was.
MARCUS PARKS
But he didn't talk about him fucking ratting on all of his friends twice.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Absolutely not. No, no, no, no. He blames the state.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Oh of course, yeah. Well concerning Breivik's tagging days, I did discover an interesting addendum this week. Apparently Breivik would plan his graffiti bombing raids with the precision of a general, looking at them like military operations. This of course would be the same way Breivik would plan his attack on July 22, 2011.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one asked him to do this.
MARCUS PARKS
No.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So he showed up with all these big crazy plans and they're all like Anders, this is fucking dumb.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We hate this.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. This is awful, you're taking all the fun out of it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You also just got here. You're acting like... You're a toy acting like a king.
MARCUS PARKS
But to top off his 1500 page manifesto, Breivik aped the profile format of celebrity magazines. He named his interests like snowboarding, fitness, bodybuilding, running, and women's beach volleyball.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He liked women's beach volleyball!
MARCUS PARKS
He never, he didn't even watch Top Gun, he hated men's beach volleyball so much.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, that's 100% hetero I am. I watch ladies volleyball and I love when they get covered in sand.
MARCUS PARKS
When he asked himself to describe himself in five words, he wrote that he was (Nordic accent) pragmatic, ambitious, creative, hard working, and optimistic.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, he's super optimistic.
ED LARSON
Six words, by the way.
MARCUS PARKS
Now remember, the entire time that Anders is writing all this, he was living in the spare room at his mom's duplex. And since he'd isolated himself from whatever friends he'd made in his 20s, the only person he spoke to face to face was his mother.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also one of the other truly saddest things was the fact that he kept writing as if the Knights Templar was real.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And that his group was like he met with the secret guys that trained him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he went and they had to like do a background check on him, see if he was legit. And he went to all these like recruiting areas when he was like 15 years old.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And it's not real.
MARCUS PARKS
None of it's real, yeah. Reportedly he'd go on and on about his manifesto and the upcoming civil war in conversations with his mother, although he made sure to leave any mentions of violence out of these conversations. Nevertheless, he began having extreme mood swings because he started taking steroids. That did make him violent, in addition to being surly and distant. In those last couple of years in his mother's duplex, Breivik would demand that all his meals be brought to his fart room and he'd leave his dishes outside the door when he was done so his mother could clean up after him. When he did leave the fart room, he'd sometimes cover his face so his mother wouldn't look at him. But other times he'd prance around the house wearing his military man costume, his Knights Templar cosplay, or his special ops suit, all of which he designed himself.
ED LARSON
Where did he get the steroids if he has no friends?
MARCUS PARKS
Well he does have acquaintances and he did have friends all throughout his 20s. I mean that's the thing is that the Progress Party, he was friends with those people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
With the right wing, the far right wing party.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Like he knew people.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I would still go as far as to say they standed him.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They allowed him to exist amongst them.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know, man. Because I read plenty of testimonies where people would say like we tried getting him out, like we tried getting this guy out of his room into the real world and he just refused, he just retreated further and further into the internet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But you know what I would tell Anders Breivik? To have a friend, you need to be a friend.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And so you need to show up for people.
MARCUS PARKS
That's right. Weirdly though, at times Breivik would suddenly become very intimate with his mother by following her around the apartment or sitting too close to her on the couch.
ED LARSON
Living that dog life.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Ja, I love to lick. I love my cuddles and scritches, mommy.
MARCUS PARKS
Most inappropriately, when his mother broke up with her boyfriend, Anders bought her a vibrator, then asked her again and again if she'd used it yet.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Mommy, are you using baby's fuck machine?
ED LARSON
Yeah. He knew she had used it. He's staring through the keyhole. (Nordic accent) I have noticed that you have not used the pussy annihilator that I got you.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Do you not want your pussy to be fucking annihilated, mommy? Mommy, I know you pussy. I was inside of it and I know it needs a shellacking.
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) I bought you the rabbit, it's the most popular one on Sex and the City.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) It hits the clitoris and the gooch.
MARCUS PARKS
But once Anders decided that it was time to begin planning for his ultimate assault, he did so with terrifying patience and a meticulous eye for detail. In May of 2009, a full two years before his murder spree, Anders incorporated a small business called Breivik Geofarm. See Breivik knew that he wanted to build a bomb, a massive bomb, something comparable to what Timothy McVeigh set off in Oklahoma City. But he knew that something of that size, using all the chemicals you needed to use to build one, could not be constructed in the fart room. His idea was that he could use Breivik Geofarm as a cover to rent a secluded piece of farmland, claiming that he planned to grow sugar beets. This would also give him license to purchase large amounts of fertilizer for his bomb.
ED LARSON
Knew that was coming.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And so after almost a year of earnest searching, Breivik finally found a rundown farm a couple hundred miles north of Oslo. He rented that farm from a guy who'd just gone to prison for operating a hash plantation. This arrangement was even better than Breivik could have planned because it meant that nobody was going to check up on what he was doing. His mother was also proud that her son was finally doing something with his life. And she was so relieved that he was leaving the duplex that she didn't ask questions either.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because he was a nightmare to be around.
ED LARSON
Finally, I can masturbate in peace.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know my son has excellent taste in vibrators. But she'd tell her friends, because they'd all ask what does Anders do? She's like well first it was like (Nordic accent) he is writing his book and he is very engaged in it. He is too busy writing his book. But then finally when he left, it was this weird... I feel like she was like aloof medically. I don't know what that term is but there was something about her just being like (Nordic accent) now Anders is on the farm now, he's a farmer. He always wanted to be one. Like saying like weird shit about like him just going off and farming for no reason.
MARCUS PARKS
Well she was also also extraordinarily self absorbed.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. Yeah, her head was up her ass.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And people with troubled children, once they show any kind of initiative in bettering their life-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I bet.
ED LARSON
They're just so excited that they're just ready to believe anything.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Especially you're out of my house.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But that move was still a ways away. Beginning in October of 2010, Breivik began preparing for the assault with an increased bodybuilding regimen and more anabolic steroids. He also picked World of Warcraft back up when a new expansion pack came out and he played it so he could quote "get his courage up".
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Just imagining him in his shitty fucking little made up military uniform playing World of Warcraft in his fart room makes me want to stick his head in a fucking toilet.
MARCUS PARKS
I know.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And then that's what gets his nut up? Is WoW? That's ridiculous.
MARCUS PARKS
He also bought tons of protein powder and Muscle Milk to strengthen his liver and mitigate the damage the steroids were doing to his body. And he combined classes at the Oslo Pistol Club with marathon sessions of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare to improve his aim.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's straight up said in the manifesto, he gave a big plug to Call of Duty.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And yeah, if you want to be a lone wolf terrorist, he's like (Nordic accent) Call of Duty really helps you dial in your your aiming speed.
ED LARSON
He's like the worst fucking troll of Norwegian history.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Of almost world history.
MARCUS PARKS
He also began ordering elements for his bomb, using YouTube videos as instructional aids. Sourcing the myriad ingredients from multiple countries to avoid suspicion, he also began ordering elements for the bomb from multiple countries to avoid suspicion.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He almost did too much.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. And he also used YouTube videos as instructional aides on how to build the bomb. But inbetween building the bomb, Breivik continued the narcissistic documentation of his journey, his struggle if you will.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh.
MARCUS PARKS
By editing a quote unquote "film" that advertised his plans and his manifesto. Long, boring, and pointless, Breivik reportedly cried when this so-called film was shown in open court during his trial. But after he had enough materials to begin constructing the bomb, Anders moved to his farm on April 5, 2011, three months before his attack on Norway. Over the coming months, Breivik would work day and night on his bomb, breaking only to eat at local restaurants and to marathon episodes of True Blood, Rome, Dexter, and The Shield of all shows.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The Shield was his favorite show.
MARCUS PARKS
He loved The Shield.
ED LARSON
Really?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Was it Michael Chiklis?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, The Commish.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Was that The Shield or Michael Chiklis, was he NYPD Blue?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No. No! That's Franz, Dennis Franz.
ED LARSON
I did like Rome. I will say that.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh Rome was incredible.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's fine. Rome, honestly when I'm building my bomb, that is really kind of what I go to distract myself because I can't just be work, work, work all day long.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
The FBI is coming to your house now.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's full of food.
MARCUS PARKS
If they haven't come by now, they ain't coming.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly yeah. Just fucking take the computer.
ED LARSON
Yeah, feed them.
MARCUS PARKS
Breivik however didn't take to farm life all that well. Because if you've ever lived in the country, you know that you're gonna have to deal with a lot of bugs and a lot of spiders. One night, Breivik admitted that he found a spider in his chocolate and he screamed like a little girl.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(screaming)
MARCUS PARKS
And he thereafter killed every insect he found. (Nordic accent) Because there are spiders in my gloves!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) There's spiders in here! True terrorists of the insect world.
MARCUS PARKS
Now eventually Breivik got a hold of six tons of fertilizer, although he made sure to only order three tons of the detonatable variety ao as to not arouse suspicion. As far as how he paid for all of this, Breivik maxed out every credit card that approved him. Now the work was difficult, granular, and full of frustrations. So by the end of May, he decided that he would settle for a bomb that was half the size of what he had originally planned, which is a fucking godsend because the bomb he did build did enough damage on its own.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
But in June, a very Anders Breivik type tragedy struck. That month, a thunderstorm caused a power surge and his PC got fried. And it was this that caused Anders to pray to god for the first time in years. This is what he wrote in his log book about the experience.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) "Dear god, it's me, Anders. I explained to god that unless he wanted the Marxist-Islamic alliance and the certain Islamic takeover of Europe to completely annihilate European Christiandom within the next 100 years, he must ensure that the warriors fighting for the preservation of the European Christiandom prevail. You must ensure that I succeed with my mission and as such contribute to inspire thousands of other revolutionary conservative nationalists, anti-communist, and anti-Islamists throughout the European world. Thanks god. Yours in hate, Anders Breivik."
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. His big setback, his big struggle was that he couldn't play World of Warcraft anymore, couldn't watch True Blood anymore.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He couldn't get his fucking blood up without seeing the incredible body of what's her name? Anna...
MARCUS PARKS
Paquin.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, she's hot.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I guess he also needed the internet for his bomb instructions and such. But I think World of Warcraft was the biggest loss for him.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes, it must have been. And yeah, losing Michael Chiklis at this point?
MARCUS PARKS
At this point, that fucking big pointy head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. Without?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean if you're talking about a great example of the white race, that fucking pointy head on Michael Chiklis...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Michael Chiklis, have you seen his butt?
MARCUS PARKS
No, that was Dennis Franz.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean either way, same butt. That's is a cop's butt. That is a man's butt.
ED LARSON
His head kind of looks like a butt.
MARCUS PARKS
It does.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It does.
MARCUS PARKS
His head looks... I mean it's very much a penis head.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's a half a butt.
MARCUS PARKS
You just put that one slit down the middle.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
And that's gonna be a big cock.
ED LARSON
Both of them, by the way.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also though but if Michael Chiklis does want to come by the show, I don't think you look like a penis.
ED LARSON
I think you look like a strong cock.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Isn't that cool? That's cool. I think it's great.
ED LARSON
Yeah, you're like a throbbing cock of a man, Michael Chiklis.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. You look like Leto II, the god emperor of Dune.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Well predictably, god did not answer Breivik's prayers.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Fuck you, Anders.
MARCUS PARKS
And the PC did not miraculously spring back to life. But nevertheless, Anders continued his work and he set off his first test bomb two days later, a few miles away from his farm.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It cannot be overstated how hard he worked on the bomb.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Like that is also-
MARCUS PARKS
I mean I'm skipping over quite...
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
There's chapters and chapters.
MARCUS PARKS
In the book there's so much technical talk about how exactly he made these bombs. Like he used blenders, he crushed up aspirin. I mean he really did, he was on that farm for three months. Well I guess 70 days.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he worked up until that point amassing all of the stuff and then it took 2.5 months.
ED LARSON
And learning how to do it and shit.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. And doing all that kind of shit. Yeah. It's always like the people you don't want to work hard to do. Like you could have worked hard on anything else.
MARCUS PARKS
There was so many ways that he could have used this initiative. So many.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Anything else!
MARCUS PARKS
So many different avenues that he could have used.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You could have been a competitive World of Warcraft player and have made money.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't think they do competitive World of Warcraft.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
They absolutely do.
MARCUS PARKS
For money?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah. Anything that can be played.
ED LARSON
Now is this gonna be, do you think if the computer doesn't crash, he just plays World of Warcraft forever and never does any of this shit?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Maybe. Or maybe he... Ugh god.
ED LARSON
Do we blame the weather?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
If he met the correct man that just could have kissed him the correct way.
ED LARSON
God.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
God. Who knows? He could have been a fashion designer.
ED LARSON
This could have been... Jens could have done that for us.
MARCUS PARKS
What do you know? Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. 2024 Arena World Championship.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's big money.
MARCUS PARKS
Wow. They compete for their share of $900,000 in total prizes every year.
ED LARSON
Good god.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He literally was good enough at it. That was like the one thing he could have done.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't know if he was that good though. I got a feeling he was a grinder. Like I said last episode, he just ground and ground and ground until he was overpowered enough.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Can I ask, is there an inherent skill in World of Warcraft that you would need to have?
MARCUS PARKS
Strategy.
ED LARSON
Patience.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. I mean if you're the head of a guild, then like you really do gotta know, he did know strategy. And that's the thing about it is that he used that strategy to commit his fucking horrible crimes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ban these games!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The game should be banned!
MARCUS PARKS
That's the thing, he did have an incredible mind for... I mean at the end of the day, he did have a incredible mind for strategy which could have been used for anything else.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Honestly we could use him for our marketing team.
MARCUS PARKS
That'd be nice. Now on July 2nd, Breivik's mother Wenche visited the farm. But all Breivik did was complain that he was an (Nordic accent) ugly boy, so he needed more cosmetic surgery, he needed veneers for his teeth. I'm so ugly, mama. He then drove her home and they shared a cigarette on the balcony.
ED LARSON
Finally he's right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, yeah. Can you imagine sharing a cigarette with your mom like that? Like you just had sex with a sex worker and you're both French and you're just like sucking on either end. It's weird.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's weird. Well on that balcony he demonstrated just how fragile his masculinity really was when he told his mother don't stand too close to me, people are gonna think I'm mentally challenged.
ED LARSON
In the middle of nowhere?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
No, they're in the city, they're back in Oslo.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
MARCUS PARKS
They're at his mother's place.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah because you lived in Greenpoint, you know the example of I'm talking about. It's always like a 90 year old woman with a cart and then she has some like weird homunculus man next to her-
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Going like you want me? You want me help, mama?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? Like that style. I could see Anders filling that role.
ED LARSON
Yeah. And they keep him dumb so they never leave.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I mean no, or they just stay dumb and they just love life.
MARCUS PARKS
Yup. But speaking of being at least socially challenged, Breivik reportedly got into an altercation with a well meaning Norwegian less than two weeks before his killing spree. While on a train to Oslo, Anders started talking to a guy next to him about the Eurabia theory. This poor man responded politely with reason and actual facts. But Anders quickly lost his patience and began screaming on the crowded train that this guy was a communist.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're like yeah, it's Norway.
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) Yes, I'm card carrying member of the Communist Party.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) I do not feel that it is wrong.
MARCUS PARKS
(Nordic accent) I vote communist in every election. When they arrived in Oslo however, Anders gave the man his email address and phone number so he could help him quote unquote "learn the truth". Incredibly, the man actually felt like he could help Anders and he did try calling the phone number. But since Anders had such terrible handwriting, the good samaritan wasn't able to reach him and promptly gave up.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
So you're saying that calligraphy could have fixed all this?
MARCUS PARKS
I mean he was probably too far gone at this point.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. I don't think a fun quill is gonna get him back in the game.
ED LARSON
Imagine screaming at someone for like 10 minutes. He'd be like take my phone number!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) Now you will have my email!
MARCUS PARKS
I wanna shake your hand! I wanna shake your hand! Now over his last 20 days on the farm, Anders put the finishing touches on his bomb, although he discovered way too late that he should have been wearing protective gear the entire time because he was working with so many caustic chemicals.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
All I hope is that he gets riddled with cancer soon.
MARCUS PARKS
He will. Eventually I think at a young age he will absolutely be riddled with cancer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Great.
MARCUS PARKS
He also rented a van to transport the bomb and decided upon his murder weapons: a rifle, a shotgun, a pistol, and 3000 rounds of ammunition.
ED LARSON
Fuck.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Then on July 21st, the day before the spree, Anders left the farm in the van carrying the bomb and parked it at a garden center in Oslo. Now ideally Anders wanted to capture a former Norwegian Prime Minister named Gro Harlem Brundtland and make her read part of his manifesto live on television. He would then make her beg for her life before beheading her on camera. This plan however proved to be too complicated.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
(Nordic accent) It's quite a bit of moving parts.
MARCUS PARKS
So Breivik decided that the next best thing would be to set off a bomb around the time that the former Prime Minister was going to give a speech and that would kill her. Then while authorities were distracted by the bomb and the dead Prime Minister, Breivik would calmly travel to what he believed to be a hive of cultural Marxists, a summer camp for politically active left wing youths.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Didn't Gro Brundtland, wasn't that the person that was in charge when he was a kid?
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And he blamed Gro.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That was like a part of it, he blamed-
MARCUS PARKS
Yes. He had a personal vendetta against Gro Brundtland.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He's saying that she fucked up his neighborhood essentially, like made it so that they couldn't get benefits or some horseshit.
MARCUS PARKS
I mean she served three terms throughout like the 80s and 90s. Yeah. So yeah, she was very much the primary, she was like... You know how Clinton was the president of our childhood?
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. She was his Clinton.
ED LARSON
Oh okay.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh wow.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
My president was Jay Leno. Have you seen this?
MARCUS PARKS
Well at this summer camp he would commit what was at the time the world's deadliest killing spree. And that's where we'll pick back up for the conclusion to our series on Anders Breivik.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yay!
MARCUS PARKS
It's gonna get rough next week, ladies and gentlemen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
We'll just say this ahead of time that next week's gonna be full gold star. We're gonna be going through a lot of details, talking about how this all went down. And it's still just sad that this is the result of extreme mediocrity. This is the plans of a loser manifest. And it's hard because I was saying this with Natalie earlier, it's just so hard when you meet a diligent loser.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You know what I mean? Like these guys are the worst.
MARCUS PARKS
Well so many times it just comes down to a lack of imagination.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because that requires empathy in many ways I think. I think having a true imagination requires you to maybe walk in other people's shoes and he refused. He is absolutely the entire world is only for Anders' benefit or not.
ED LARSON
Yeah, he was too stupid to find any entertaining or funny.
MARCUS PARKS
That's true.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He did not like comedy. He didn't like music with lyrics. He didn't like singers.
ED LARSON
Rap is all lyrics.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
But he dropped all the rap, then he got into something called like trance electronica.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It wasn't trance.
MARCUS PARKS
(beatboxing)
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It was like something else. It was very European.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Because you used to see those coming out of Greenpoint all the time, especially Astoria, big huge Polish guy with the cans on at 6:15 in the morning. All you hear is (electronica sounds).
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And you're like isn't this killing your brain?
MARCUS PARKS
You have a very like 2009 view of Greenpoint. I love it. I miss that Greenpoint.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I miss that Greenpoint.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. The true Polish Greenpoint.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why we need to keep Greenpoint Polish!
ED LARSON
Oh no!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And we need to go, yeah, let's make it-
MARCUS PARKS
No, no, no.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ah, my ankle! My ankle! I twisted my ankle in an ideological hole.
MARCUS PARKS
You can still eat at Karczma whenever you want.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I love Karczma.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. If you ever go to fucking Brooklyn or New York, if you want the best Polish food in America.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Karczma was the best.
MARCUS PARKS
Karczma.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Also I love Little Poland. I'm still partial to Little Poland but I also love Karczma. I think Veselka is a tourist trap.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah.
ED LARSON
It's Ukrainian.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Is it?
ED LARSON
Yep. Veselka is Ukrainian.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh I didn't know that.
MARCUS PARKS
I love Veselka.
ED LARSON
Veselka is wonderful.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think it's all right.
ED LARSON
It's open 24 hours.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I know but Little Poland, Karczma.
ED LARSON
I really like Little Poland.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go to Karczma.
ED LARSON
I don't know what Karczma is.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's in Brooklyn.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, it's on Greenpoint and Manhattan Avenue.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It's good.
MARCUS PARKS
It's fucking incredible, yeah.
ED LARSON
Oh okay. I feel like you might have taken me there.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think I did take you.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Did you get a big pile of meat?
ED LARSON
Yeah. Well that's Polish food.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, you get the Polish sampler.
MARCUS PARKS
But was it an unreasonably large pile of meat?
ED LARSON
That's what you get when you go to a Polish restaurant.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why it's good.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's why we gotta keep Greenpoint Polish!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. Christine's, overrated though.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I think that anybody can be Polish, it's about your attitude.
MARCUS PARKS
Sure. You say this as a Polish man.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes. All right, now check out LPN Deep Dives Dune. This week you will be energized by a special piece of material we're putting out next week with somebody who's intrinsically part of the new Dune and also is a friend of the show. But I want you to go check out the LPN Deep Dive Dune, there have been a lot of people talking about it because Dune's in the air, you can smell it.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah.
ED LARSON
(singing) Dune man!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dune man!
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, all you rude Duners out there-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Duners rise up!
MARCUS PARKS
LPN Deep Dives has its own feed now. So you can go check it out, just type in LPN Deep Dives Dune.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Dune!
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Wherever you get your-
ED LARSON
(singing) Dune man!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Do it, dude.
ED LARSON
(singing) Coming for me with your worms!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
It doesn't rhyme. It doesn't rhyme.
ED LARSON
(singing) Sand me!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're ruining the memory.
ED LARSON
(singing) Spice me up within your butt!
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
You're ruining it. And then also check out Gud Pud because it has already been live and now it is on our YouTube and you want to check it out. And it is also in the VOD on our Twitch, twitch. tv/lpntv.
MARCUS PARKS
All right.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
And also if you want to see what we look like being big, go to our Patreon, donate the money, and you see we you got ad free episodes.
ED LARSON
I got my sweat rag.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He got his sweat rag. And then you can see our faces jiggle as we talk about honestly extremely difficult subjects.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. You can go to patreon.com/lastpodcastontheleft. And I have been told by the people who say that we need to make more money that we give a lot of shit for very little.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I don't know. I like it.
MARCUS PARKS
I love it too. But yeah.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
I want you to be so jam packed full of content that you lose yourself. And then you are indoctrinated.
MARCUS PARKS
Full episodes-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Slowly but surely.
MARCUS PARKS
Full episodes, interviews. We're soon gonna be having some behind the scenes footage. There's gonna be a whole bunch of cool stuff over on our Patreon.
ED LARSON
Yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
So be sure to go over there to get access to all that.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The LPN labs are bubbling.
ED LARSON
Yeah. You can watch Henry work on his manifesto.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah. It's great because you can see a lot of it's very physical.
MARCUS PARKS
And follow us on TikTok and Instagram @LPontheleft. Go to twitch.tv/lpntv to check us out.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
And check out our YouTube channel for a ton of cool stuff. We got about 10 episodes of the No Dogs in Space livestream over there on our YouTube channel. So you can go check those out.
ED LARSON
Yeah. There's a bunch of Brighter Side as well. So go check that out. Lots of fun shit. Everything's great. Tiers of a Clown is killing it.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Things are really good, we make good stuff.
ED LARSON
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah, we make good stuff.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Go check out that shit.
MARCUS PARKS
And email us at sidestorieslpotl@gmail.com for whatever.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yeah, with your grievances. Yeah, yeah, all your grievances and corrections.
ED LARSON
Yeah. They actually read all the shit you complain about.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Sometimes.
ED LARSON
So go ahead, go for it.
MARCUS PARKS
I don't.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
He doesn't. I have seen some.
MARCUS PARKS
I get fun stuff forwarded to me. And thanks to everyone at the Moog Factory out in South Carolina-
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Yes.
MARCUS PARKS
For the amazing shit that they sent me. So thank you very much. It's so nice to know that so many synthesizers over the years have been put together while listening to our voices.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
That's awesome.
MARCUS PARKS
Yeah. So if you got a Moog that's been made in the last few years, there's a little bit of us in that synthesizer.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Ugh. It just sounds like it's laced with our cum. Hail Satan!
MARCUS PARKS
Hail Gein.
ED LARSON
Hail Anna and Elsa for Norway, the true heroes.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Oh Frozen, that's what he's talking about.
MARCUS PARKS
Oh yeah. Frozen.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
At least you didn't say fucking what's his name?
MARCUS PARKS
Who?
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
The stupid snowman.
ED LARSON
Olaf? I don't like Olaf.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
No one does.
ED LARSON
Olaf, not a fan.
HENRY ZEBROWSKI
Cut him out!